Congressional Flag Football to Feature Vampires and Zombies

(Warshington) Partisan legislators hit their respective locker rooms on Friday in apprehension of a noon kickoff. First to arrive were the Republican Vampires*, out for blood after a loss to the Democrat Zombies** in last year’s match.

“We’re out to avenge the wrongs perpetrated the last time we took the gloves off. We have firmed up our right flank and added a few new plays that we signed into law in the middle of the night when no one was looking,” said House Majority Leader, Mitch “Wimp” McConnell, starting tailback for the Vampires.

The Democrat Zombies*, arriving by mass transit to little fanfare, quickly assembled in the locker room to the left. Those claiming to be in the know say the squad will have a full repertoire of defensive alignments and a splendid receiving corps that has been sitting on its hands since shocking losses in 2016.

But just as the coin toss was about to go up and then come down somebody noticed the integral little pocket flags were not in attendance. They were not where they should be.

“They were here a moment ago,” someone said. “Where could they have gone?” said Neil M. Gorsuch, a Supreme Court appointee and one of the day’s referees. “They were in the crate with the backup footballs,” said a worried equipment specialist.

Neither team will wear helmets so that lobbyists can easily recognize who is who when the ball is snapped and thus measure the impact of campaign contributions on gamesmanship. Both will don plastic mouth guards that elevate the art of double-talk and protect those winning smiles.

A few more moments of embarrassed searching netted nothing. Murmurs of blame began arising with each side blaming the other side for the blunder.

“This was no oversight,” said Sen. Michael Bennett, a Zombie who, despite spending lots of time on the field has had little impact on national politics. “They don’t want to play us because they know we’ll beat them again,” he said, ducking a large Rocky Ford melon hurled by a fan, presumably unimpressed with his jargon.

Vampire Senator Cory Gardner, wiping raw rotten egg from his jersey, will handle water boy duties due to a bone spur problem that will keep him out of action, retorted by insisting the Zombies took the flag.

“We could just play with this Russian flag,” he offered. “Then we’ll see who is best on a level playing field. Gardner, who cannot catch or tackle, but is a dynamic force on the bench, missed 5 of the 6 practices due to responsibilities in Colorado’s fracking fields, where he counts money.

The game, played at the Lester Maddox-Malcolm X Sports Complex on the city’s rougher NE side each year, was decidedly tedious to watch last year with little action and lots of trash talking. Both sides blamed the other for the lack of scoring, with Zombies calling on Vampires to end the logjam and Vampires beating their chests chanting the parasitic slogan “Make America Bait Again!”

The play-by-play, scheduled to run simultaneously with movement in the chamber, was shelved last night because there has been little to no engagement since the Dubya Years. The business of the nation is not on today’s lineup card replaced by infighting, pettiness and greed on both sides of the gridiron.

The American people, not invited to the game so as to make more room for lobbyists, continue to support these tired old teams, although the experts suggest that many younger players will fill the ranks in the coming year.

Odd footnote: Donald Trump was not invited to the football game. A Zombie spokesperson quipped that maybe the president had a conflicting tee time for that date. Vampires say it was a simple oversight. GOP analysts contend that his absence had to due with “his keen sense of geography”. (He did not attend because the game was played in a neighborhood he does not frequent due to a predominantly Black population in an area yet to be pacified.)

“The absence of the Commander and Chief, while bankrupting the affair, allows for more orderly sidelines since the other players do not have to jockey for position and create space between themselves and what many see as a sacked tweeter.

“If a flag surfaces it will be interesting to see if the Vampires play in blinders or if the Zombies take advantage of opportunities not afforded them last year.

*Vampires – Those who prosper and feed on the blood of others. These are usually corpses that don’t realize they are dead. These ruthless leeches exit their graves in the night to bite the necks of the living. They suck the lifeblood then disappear into their crypts in the morning light.

** Zombies – Persons deemed sociopathic or a threat to a group were ostracized and sometimes disabled intellectually. They are sentenced to roam the earth in a dream-near-death, irrational state until they show themselves to be worthy of reunion with their people.

“It’s not the media’s job to lure Trumpists out of their cult, but rather, to inform and earn the trust of those open to learning about reality.”

                                                                               – Jennifer Rubin, Washington Post  9/12/18

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