CONGRESS REPEALS VASELINE TAX

(Washington) Despite a threatened veto by President Trump, the Senate today repealed a controversial Vaseline tax of four cents per jar. Funds raised from this fiscal assessment are alocated for general infrastructure. Readers may recall that a hefty 25 cent surcharge-maintenance-jurisdictional-retrograde- fusion tax was implemented last month with the funds earmarked for roads, bridges, airports, urban transportation, police and fire departments.

Many see this recent action as double-dipping

Proponents of that tax were convinced that their constituents would gladly pay a small stipend of this kind in lieu of a more painful process of hand-me-down legislation. Many feared that the general fund attached to infrastructure spending is the perfect place to launder under-the-counter dollars. It is seen by many as an unmonitored money pit that is less than definitive and more secretive as the band plays on.

“Making up volumes of new laws every day isn’t easy and the President, of all people, should recognize this,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy Party-WY), author of the Vaseline Amendment. “It’s bad enough the voters have to listen to all that is generated in these sacred chambers without making citizens pay a another tax on top of it all.”

The Noise family owns more than 30 Vaseline Mines in the Wind River region and a series of open-pit Vaseline extraction operations near Sheridan, at Hair Tonic Springs.

Opponents of the amendment, issued this statement following the final vote:

“This new tax is highway robbery! Attempts to lubricate the executive and legislative branches of government in the late 20th Century deserve some credit, at least with reference to the hands-on process with which we have become accustomed. If the American voter will put up with Congressional shenanigans and pay that body to do nothing why should we be surprised that they are trying to make us as comfortable as possible while we are being manipulated. We feel that the Vaseline Tax was a valid assessment and that four cents not only guaranteed the free flow of commerce but also insured the ready availability of the product. The new tax, as was stated above is grand larceny.”

One television news anchor paraphrased the statement saying that the Congress has responded to public opinion and that it is clear that the American people will not pay any price for comfort. She then fell dead at her station, an apparent victim of over simplification and/or some bad sushi, purchased from a swarthy street vender in Soggy Bottom.

Meanwhile Vice President Bill “Hoosier Willy” Pence, fresh from a scrumptious kimchi and jeotgal and lunch with God, was busy feeling someone’s pain. An 12-year old aide, however, told reporters that the tax was valid.

     “Do you know how much Vaseline costs in Puerto Rico?” he asked.

– H.L. Menoken