Congress Agrees to Salary Cuts

Washington) Breaking ranks with its predecessors of 225 years, the United States Senate today ratified a bill that calls for deep salary cuts and sweeping changes in how the legislative body does business.

Setting precedent that completely defies tradition, both the House and Senate the law makers agreed to a 35% salary cut starting in 2021. Along with the adjustment the elected officials will also see a decrease in benefits, travel allowances, expense accounts and retirement packages.

According to unreliable sources within the governing body the move comes as an attempt to undress the growing deficit which is expected to go through the roof over the next four years.

“The economy has been manipulated by an administration with no sense of fiscal responsibility,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “Bandwagon tax cuts and deficit spending at a time of rising inflation and a weakened dollar will inevitably spell disaster for the nation. We have to do something. Whether it’s going to have an impact or be parked on a side street as only a gesture, at least it’s a move in the right direction.”

Critics on both sides of the bouncing ball say the action represents too little, too late.

“Where were the Republican critics when they rode the President’s coat tails to victory in November?” asked Trump financial analyst Hector Yuro, one of several millionaire minorities named to the Trump team last month. So what if the Euro is becoming the fiscal standard. It’s all just on paper anyway and there’s a war going on!”

One high ranking Democrat praised the move in that his party must take the initiative to avoid an embarrassing government bankruptcy.

“If the GOP was running an oil company or a baseball team he’s be out of business,” said Jacqueline B. Quicke, who, in an eleventh hour plea for votes, agreed to take her entire constituency to Las Vegas in November. “Unless of course some powerful Saudi family has reserved all of the hotel rooms.

House Republicans slammed the salary cuts calling the move grandstanding on the part of Democrats who want to make Donald Don Trump look bad on television.

“These un-American ideologues want to make The President look like an idiot on television when in fact he is our savior,” wept one former pest exterminator now legislator from Houston. “Don’t they know he’s got a direct line to the Lord?”

Cynics within both governing bodies say Trump should go to a higher power to borrow the money to pay off the rising deficit.

“Surely with his new religious connections he could obtain a few trillion and give us a surplus with which to keep on keepin’ on,” said one urban Democrat who predicts chaos in his precinct with the eminent collapse of social programs due to economic bungling.

“The joke around here goes something like this,” he laughed: “Donald goes to God for the money to pull us out of this mess and God says: Ask your dad.”

“The current quagmire revolves around the fact that the President has already borrowed vast sums from his father, during the Party Years, and has never paid any of it back,” said the source. “The real problem is that government is nothing but a money pit. We ought to shut the whole thing down and go back to living in caves.”

Although there have been spotty threats to filibuster, the bill appears to have the support needed to become law. The action has been applauded by bankers and economists all over the country especially in light of findings that almost all of those affected are already wealthy and don’t need the money anyway. Besides, throngs of lobbyists are expected to make up the difference with incentives and give-aways aimed at gaining the approval of law makers.

“This is just another charade aimed at convincing the American people that someone is actually in charge here,” added Quicke. “The money saved through these salary cuts won’t even be enough to pay Congressional limo drivers for a month. Maybe our leaders should consider public transportation. Now that would be something.”

In a related development Vice President Mike “Six” Pence orchestrated a surprise visit to the Senate today urging that body to come to its senses on the matter. Saying that a dangerous precedent was already in motion Pence petitioned members to rethink their actions and give themselves a raise.

“If rich people like us start giving away our money we’re all going down the tubes,” he all but whispered. “We can’t let on that there’s a problem or we’ll have chaos in the streets like they have in Paris and Caracas. We don’t need (that kind of) democracy here. We have the Electoral Collages, flat-screen TVs, cheap gas and Wal-Mart.”

    – Kashmir Horseshoe

“You still have the soul of a heathen, even though you speak like a Christian and don’t go around naked,” Sister Angelica said. “It isn’t just that it doesn’t bother her, Mother, but she helped them to escape because she wanted them to go back to being savages.”

-From The Green House” by Mario Vargas Llosa



Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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