Comic Pages Good For Mental Health

(Gotham City) According to a new federal study the daily digestion of the comics leads to a happier, better adjusted human being. Of the over 6,000 daily newspaper readers surveyed 65% said they read the comic pages daily. 48% said they read them first. Of that group, only three people complained of depression or said they felt displaced or disenfranchised from society.

“After digesting the front page and the editorials many people need to lighten up,” said one researcher, “and that’s where the comics page comes in. Completing the crossword puzzle, reading the horoscope, even consuming the sports pages doesn’t offer the inner peace found in reading the comic strips.”

For decades the feds have tried to manipulate the comics by sneaking propaganda and government agendas onto these pages. The attempt has failed however since federal agencies often lack a basic sense of humor essential to the common belly laugh.

“Veteran comic page readers see through all the hype,” said the source. “They’re looking for simplicity and escape. The diversity of humor found in the strips offers something for every interest and mental capacity.”

Experts liken reading the comics to soaking one’s bunions in a hot pail of water or daydreaming. Some even consider the behavior to have therapeutic value since it is not intellectually threatening. They even compare the practice to meditation or prayer.

“The comics offer a secure format with familiar characters who are usually predictable,” according to a 34,000-page report released this week. “Regular readers relate to the characters and accompanying predicaments, almost always resolved in a few frames. Perusers of the funny pages gain tranquil entertainment value without the noise and control of television or the demands of more serious reading.”

The study also implied that many people can’t tell the difference between the comics and the regular news, especially alleged TV news which is not generally meant to be comedy or even all that amusing.

“Anyone who has read the Sunday comix with a small child can verify the powerful bond that is achieved,” said one pencil pusher.

“Television is already so stupid that it doesn’t need comic relief,” continued the report that adds that boob tube addicts are one of the most hollow groups on the planet.

The cost of the study was just over $6.5 million.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

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