Colossal Wildflower Smuggling Ring Nailed

(Crested Butte) An international smuggling ring concentrating on fragile wildflowers has been brought to its knees according to agents of the Treasury Department and the U. S. Forest Service. At present over 200 arrests have been made and a subsequent roundup is expected over the weekend.

     An excited Treasury Department source said the ring had been responsible for the illegal export of over 5000 wildflower bouquets per week since May. The flowers usually end up in places like Los Angeles and New York where shady florists buy them cheap in bulk and often turn them the same day.

     “Despite the perishable nature of the contraband the smuggling is very profitable due to a low overhead and a constant supply of product through the summer,” said one agent. “We have caught people strolling out of the state with a just a handful of flowers and have busted massive refrigeration trucks. In the final analysis there’s really no way to determine how many criminals are engaged in the conspiracy.”

     Some local residents even think the incarcerated Unibomber, Ted Kaczynski, is the big kahuna in the heralded flower heists.

     “Why wouldn’t he be?” asked one horticulturists attached to the Rocky Mountain Biological Warfare Laboratory at Gothic. “We see people that look like the Unibomber driving through town every day. We think he’s in cahoots with Charlie Manson who may be orchestrating the entire scam from his jail cell.”

     Operatives often pose as simple tourists who, despite laws prohibiting this kind of activity, pick wildflowers to take home to transplant in their flatland gardens. Canned excuses for the behavior run from “I’m only going to take a few” to “They’re going to die anyway.”

     Residents who observe any questionable behavior in the field are asked to call 911.

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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