Colorado will file charges against tomato purveyors

(Garden of the Gods) Colorado is finally confronting bad tomatoes that, like apples, can spoil the bushel. In an unsuspected reshuffling of produce priorities the attorney general’s office will pursue criminal charges against parties bringing tasteless fruit into the state.

A tomato that look like a tomato but tastes like cardboard is the target of the action. Besides sending a dangerous message to taste buds these pulpy nightshade phonies seriously protract and decelerate gastronomic advancements common to other cultures.

Acknowledging that these efforts is not meant as vague consumer protection or the adoption of cloudy restrictions on the import of other fruits and vegetables the prosecutors agreed that legislation alone will not improve taste. Harvesting the tomatoes while they are not ripe is the bugaboo that ranks shipping ease ahead of quality. Until this practice is remedied the problem will remain.

‘Past failures at setting the bar for what is a good tomato and what is a bad one have needlessly created a culinary emergency,” said a spokesman for the state. “Misappropriation in quality control, corporate expediency, mindless consumerism and outright fraud have all contributed to this mess,” she said.

“If people would simply refuse to buy these facsimiles and demand the real thing the market would correct itself overnight,” said a green grocer who refuses to sell fake produce. “These red herrings are nothing more than replicas, like the plastic offerings that inhabit non-perishable bowls in tacky kitchen displays and Dutch Master still-life paintings.”

Plans to subsidize organic gardens remains on the table with many lawmakers edgy that people have already accepted these impersonators as the real thing like they often do with so many other civic and clerical intrusions into their lives.

“At this point we are not looking at a blockade or of imposed sanctions against perpetrators but all options are still in play,” said a source from the attorney general’s office. “However we are monitoring public input which often turns resentful, even bitter as traditional summer salad season emerges.

– Pepper Salte

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk


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