(Denver) “Sorry but you don’t look a day over 50. I’ll have to see some ID.” Silly as it may seem that could be familiar chant if HB 4559-K passes next week, heralding in a new relationship between Puritanism and alcohol consumption for most Coloradans. The bill, called extreme by detractors, requires that a person be at least 55 years of age to buy beer, wine or spirits.

Sponsors of the bill, including firebrand Rep. Oral Noise says the concept is solid and will benefit everyone by introducing the concept of maturity to the drinking table.

“Everyone agrees that alcohol creates the breakdown social order when abused,” explained Noise, who reportedly consumed up to three quarts of flavored vodka per day for 40 years before getting on the temperance wagon in March of this year. “And who among us does not have sinful tendencies when moderation is questioned. This bill defines the legal side of the question. Let the sociologists fight for the thirsty masses.”

When asked about the failures inherent to Prohibition and the War on Drugs Noise told a semi-coherent audience here that these were good programs that were subverted by immoral values and weakness.

“I don’t care about the scientific statistics. All I know is that if booze was harder to buy there would be fewer people imbibing,” he offered. “Here on Colorado they all have mounds of cannabis and lord knows, bags of magic mushrooms. Why, pray tell, do they need fire water with which to wash it down? On my hope of heaven, I had to act and I am proud of my efforts,” he trembled.

Alluding to the continued presence of drunks on the highways Noise blamed the crude availability of alcohol that works like a woodworm on the brain. By the time people reach 55 they are either too tired or disinterested to create problems for others by their drinking.

Noise says 55 is appropriate since it matches what was once the national speed limit and is easy to remember. In addition he says 55 is a rounded number that can be quickly identified by even that quasi-interested, somewhat doltish liquor clerk.

“We have yet to see conclusive numbers indicating the arrests by the police on our highways has improved the situation,” continued Noise, now accompanied by a full orchestra pumping out a 1930’s German ditty. “If they were successful in the attempts to keep drinks off the road they would have installed billboards all over hell praising themselves for serving and protecting.”

The liquor industry has poured millions into a campaign to defeat the bill saying that its passage would only succeed in creating a population of criminals and that it would destroy the livelihood of millions worldwide.

“No one is in favor of drunks on the road but this crackdown is about money and little else. People will do what it takes to escape the hum-drum that often exists in daily life,” said one opponent of the measure. “Draconian legislation such as this implies that it is the drink itself that threatens the social system when we all know it is the abusive drinker.”

Many of the state’s residents have already are plans to immigrate to Utah where liquor laws are more liberal, if the bill passes the Senate.

– Fred Zeppelin

Filed Under: Soft News


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