Colona man returns from Great Beyond

“It’s a mirror of this world. A bright, enchanted mirror. Everything is the opposite, a perfectly reproduced reflection. The abyss rather ominous, no?  No more madness – No more twisted sense of self.”

These are the words of an adventurous Colona man who claims to have visited another world after this one and returned to tell about it. It’s no surprise that skeptics have emerged, frowning and scoffing at the very idea of astral travel or out-of-body encounters.

Ripple van Winkle claims that he spent two weekends “up in the clouds” where he met with good souls and bad ones in an attempt to document the existence of afterlife locales and resting places along the road to our final destination.

“I came back in early September to get a fish-eye lens and some sox for all my new friends” smiled van Winkle. “It’s been chilly in the Evermore. “I will depart tomorrow by clicking my heels together and then hurling myself off the Butter and Egg National Bank Building on the Wimpton Roundabout. There are still good seats left.”

Despite the old adage: You can sleep when you’re dead…van Winkle says the saved may not get much shut-eye. “It’s no picnic out there. Someone has to haul water, chop wood, do the dishes, feed the dog, mow the grass, trim the clouds and perform guard duty.

“My travels have not exposed the dystopian or the utopian but rather a place similar to earth without guilt, jealousy, greed or expectations,” he explained. “I have tattoos to prove my story.”

Van Winkle said we should prepare for the arrival of highly intelligent aliens and that many are already here on earth as well as Mars and Neptune. He then shocked the assemblage by then sharing a “Message from the heavens”:

Hold on tight little fleas – the big dog is shaking her booty and wagging her tail. Mother Nature’s stark increases in crude bodily functions such as stooping over, bad teeth, bad hygiene, limping, cursing, chronic sneezes, farting, grumpiness, coughing and spitting, vomiting, nervous ticks, stroke, heart, murmurs, sporadic tears, hair loss and way more. Better get your money, canned goods, ammo and water in your bunkers!

The episode is seen by many as the first credible instance of departure from and return to a verified metaphysical ball that is orbiting through space. Whether it corroborates or discounts popular beliefs on the subject is anyone’s guess.

Van Winkle, who has no known motive for making up stories, is nowhere to be found this morning. A search was called off at noon before it began.

– Susie Compost

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