Christmas Planned Again for 2019

(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding, it appears that consumers will again experience the holiday season next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.

Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.

“Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Halloween or Valentine’s Day, at least from an economic viewpoint,” said Melvin Toole, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘20. “We fully realize that these holidays are important but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”

Toole explained that year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.

“Yes, flowers and candy generate substantial dollars, but that figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have.”

Toole thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the lumber industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle Toole, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.

Although the exact amount of money needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been disclosed, conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2018.

“It’s just more expensive to pull off than it was back in the Fifties,” harped Toole. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids put the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.

Toole added that Christmas ’19 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.

“We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.

– Al Kahall

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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