Christmas Astro-Graph

Attention star gazers: When ordering from the following menu do so only by the adjoining number. Parties of more than one will be charged a 20% gratuity after digestion. If you are one of those people who actually believes that another mortal can actually dispense advice based on shuffling cards, reading tarots or throwing tea leaves up into the air we would like to talk to you about how you can achieve financial and political security just by letting us use your credit card. The following is just as valid as all the other astrological crap lines and it’s free.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Valuable knowledge acquired this morning may help you find your car tomorrow afternoon. Keep one eye on the hour glass and the other on your squirt gun. Hire a surrogate worrier and get on with the party. Turning a deaf ear to bothersome elves may result in blows below the belt. Jack Iron at twenty paces! Slide. Be happy that nobody is really paying attention. You may become a source of amusement to sanitation engineers in the wee hours. Tonight: Dilly dally.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Conditions in general could remain quite general through the 29th. You are far too impressed by lunch counter Santas and arch-angels in car washes. Stick to decorating your cave. Going in circles is a valid direction. Look at the planets. Don’t worry about the future. The gov’ment will feed you. Textbook descriptions fail in the light of a damaged attention span. Your business cents could net dollar signs in 2018. Define all goals before abandoning them. Tonight: Find a couch.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)

They say that everyone is good at something. What did you say you do for a living? That’s interesting. Is it legal? Conclusions may carry the heavy weight of finality in the mid-afternoon. Your game plan is solid: It’s just out of chips. You are highly motivated to do nothing. Previous experiences sleeping in your car may come in handy but always factor in the temperatures in December. Yeah, we know. It wasn’t your fault. The world is screwed up. Tonight: Sneak in the back door.

PISCES (February 20 – March 20)

Congratulations! Today is official Junk Day. It’s the day that you get to hang around with old things. Maybe it’s a person, maybe an attic. Either way, call in sick. Dress comfortably and surround yourself with junk. Why not? Are you gonna miss something important like the TV news? Focus on doing nice things for others and your problems will melt away to nothing. The chances of waking up healthy tomorrow are very good. Celebrate. Tonight: A close friend will get you off the hook.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Your life is beginning to resemble the 1956 Republican Presidential Convention on black and white TV with all those delegates in straw hats carrying I Like Ike signs. Richard Nixon is there too. Maybe it’s time to switch opiate-based perfumes or after shaves. Contrary to logic your personal star is on the rise. Hold on for the ride of your life. Go ahead, throw in the towel. You can always drip-dry. Put a lid on handy-man foul ups by taking an extended nap. Tonight: Sleep through it.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Asinine is and shall be your calling card. Money is only temporary. It’s credit cards and checks that are eternal. Mercury, the planet of communication, is about to launch a windy monologue. Find something to do outside of your sphere of affluence. Chafing at the bit is good for the digestive system. Intangible prospects will come into full view by Christmas. While somewhat innovative, there is no particular advantage to tapping your hands and wringing your feet. Tonight: Refreshment is a state of mind.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Making jello should not require artillery strikes. The transits of Pluto and Neptune will leave mounds of fresh manure at the barn door. What could it mean? You know you have to take them out for a walk in the morning but what would you wear? Atone for your previous sins through moments of emotional starvation. Never eat the last cupcake. Go eyeball to eyeball with house plants. You are your own Christmas Tree! Your fly is open. Tonight: Leftover rhetoric.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Your outfit is hypnotizing, especially the crystals, sparkles and moon boots. Ruling planets have requested that you take a substantial pay cut after the holidays. Go ahead…retreat back into your hermit’s cave but don’t forget to budget for cable. Considering your income you cannot afford the luxury of a prestigious mental illness and should simply settle for being comfortably crazy. Insignificance is it’s own reward. Tonight: A break from canned food.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

So you think you’re a candidate for the king/queen of the jungle. Where is your paperwork? Who did you pay off? Let’s hear your best roar! We’ll be in touch by the end of the week. Inability to trust others could be your finest asset. Benevolent mice pulling thorns from the feet of lions is a lot for cynical Leos to swallow. Dream your cat dreams in white sands by the beautiful sea. If you are invited to the spider’s house for dinner expect to eat fly stew. Tonight: Play a backseat roll, knickers up!

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Behind the facade of sub-par human intelligence lurks an ugly step-child. Don’t fret. There are plenty of round holes for square pegs to fill. Cogs in the machine are always better than frogs in the latrine. There is honor in solitude but drinking alone is still a no-no in polite society. You have the celestial body of a late model Plymouth. Avoid military incursions that involve your body. Stay clandestine but make sure you polish those combat boots. Tonight: A message from the heavens on laundry detergents.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Street sense don’t mean a thing on a far off asteroid. The very thought of a fiery comet crashing heartlessly into the mother earth is somewhat upsetting to you. Today is perfect for Christmas shoplifting. Rely on the courage of your convictions, at least the ones classified as misdemeanors. Distance yourself from nuclear waste. Your holiday fruitcake could be at risk. Counseling is a possibility. That big red nose will make it difficult to get away with little white lies through the 25th. Tonight: Add bleach.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 24)

Life is only a phase. Go ahead: Buckle under pressure. Your magnetic personality could leave you stuck to a tin building by January. Fantasy and reality blend well with rum and coconuts. Use your descriptive adjectives now or face angry participles later on in the day. Why would a lover expect you to make a commitment when you won’t even make the bed? You may just as well get used to the Christmas season. It will be here for a while. Tonight: Don’t count your chickens before the cows come home to roost.

– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist

Filed Under: Hard News


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