CHILDPROOF CONDOMS APPROVED BY MAO CLINIC

Doctors at the prestigious Mao Clinic have given final OK on a new breed of childproof condoms, which are slated to hit the market by fall. The feds have granted preliminary approval despite the ranting of consumer groups that say the product is already often too difficult to negotiate as it is.

“We realize the inconveniences but we can’t have these devices falling into the wrong hands,” said one physician.

The condoms, wrapped in layers of materials thought to be beyond the engineering grasp of a three-year-old, will not be a security issue with children but adults often find they cannot open the product at that special moment.

“It’s like trying to march a herd of elk through the eye of a needle,” or something Biblical like that,” said Rock Cracker, who invented the carefree liner that boasts of quality and ultra-security.

“We have to protect our children from sins of the flesh,” said Senator Oral Noise (Dupe-TX) who has taken credit for insuring the products’ acceptance by the male population actively engaged. “Our kids come first,” he said reaching for a righteous slogan to pin on the donkey.

The term “child-proof” may be adding to the confusion herein since lawmakers have not yet decide on complete approval of the condoms.

“Are these things childproof in the arena of pregnancies or are we talking about childproof in that they cannot be accessed by toddlers?” asked Cracker. “Until we rebrand we will continue to have chaos in a realm that has been a continuing source of amusement and complication since we came down from the trees.”

Experts suggest that parents provide children with other toys like balloons so as to redirect their attention. If that fails they recommend locking condoms (or children?) up in a rifle case, a safety deposit box or disguising them as dreaded turnips or icky Brussels sprout and storing them in the refrigerator.