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GOP Takes Mulligan on Health Care Bill

Despite arm twisting by leaders in the Republican controlled House and Senate and threats made by the Tweeter President, the Congress is expected to take a mulligan on health care reform in 2017.

Whether it is a “must” or “provisional” mulligan the result is still much the same since the action is a result of a bad shot off the tee in the first place.

Falling short of admitting defeat Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that taking a mulligan is a simple safety net that allows participants to “redefine the their stance and level out the playing field.

“We will not redefine the rules or fudge on our scorecards,” said the Speaker, “but rather expand the fairway and sink a long putt or two for the betterment of all Americans.”

Critics of the action say the entire repeal effort is masked in the burning desire to give the rich a tax break while cutting existing medical benefits for the people who need them the most. Some within the lawmaking body have gone so far as to call the proposed legislation “evil and fraudulent”.

The last time the governing body took a mulligan was back in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency. Ike, a voracious linkster had finished 18 scorching holes scoring a scandalous 12 below par. Lawmakers had then settled on a mulligan out of respect for the Commander in Chief.

– Ragamuffin Man

Post Office Loitering Bill Goes to House

(Denver) A controversial recommendation that would limit the amount of time legally spent retrieving the daily mail has survived a preliminary hearing and will now go the House for consideration.

The proposed legislation which calls for time limits imposed in and around a federal facility has angered many residents in Colorado who say the bill is an infringement on their rights to peacefully assemble and socialize with friends and neighbors.

“They’ve already cut out what was warm camaraderie at the local pub,” said one frustrated boxholder. “Hey, nobody wants drunks on the road but let’s be reasonable. We all need a little relaxation at the end of the day and the legal alcohol levels are ridiculous. It’s looking like some more of the same with regards to limiting our post office visits. I like to hang out in front of my box and chat. Sometimes I spend all afternoon but that’s my business.”

Many across the state are echoing like sentiments saying that potential legislation, like the present seatbelt and DUI laws are only another means of controlling the population.

“They have nothing to do with protecting anyone,” said a postal sitter from Olathe.

“They’re just about money. The rulers of this country don’t like people talking either. They see it as inciting rebellion or some such nonsense when in actuality most people are only talking about the weather or the price of gasoline. Whether its over a beer or over a book of stamps they see these kinds of exchanges as a threat to their power base.”

Although the legal time allotted for mail pickup had not been established when the bill was introduced on the floor it is thought to be in the neighborhood of not less than fifteen minutes.

Despite extensive lobbying on the part of such organizations as AARP and the ACLU exemptions for retired persons or the nation’s unemployed have yet to be discussed. Neither have the needs of the handicapped been considered.

“That fifteen minutes should be enough to throw away junk mail, sift through bills, stand in line for stamps, read the wanted posters and fill out any other forms necessary for general correspondence,” said one postal official. “Any more time invested in this simple procedure is wasteful and unproductive.”

It was not clear how this proposed ruling might effect mail delivery as most Americans do not currently congregate around extension facilities such as mail trucks or rural boxes. At present federal loitering laws take precedence over state and local ordinances undressing the same behavior patterns.

– Small Mouth Bess

UFO REPORT

by Zelbrat Acknor, Astral World Three

Welcome children of the universe and our new readers in the Twor and Hakka Bennie Galaxies. As you all are aware we have been observing the residents of the planet Earth since the first Sputnik entered what they refer to as outer space. To update you on the situation here, we must first describe the daily rituals of humans living in a country called the United States. This culture has succeeded in not only destroying most of the atmosphere, but it has also exported its moral justification to other parts of the planet.

The result of all this is the choking off of the air supply and the termination of millions of indigenous species.

In short, the planet earth has achieved the status of damaged goods in comparison to the more progressive planets and stars. All this destruction has occurred within a very short time span, even in earthling terms.

These things have come to pass so as to acquire what these creatures call worldly goods. The amazing thing is that, although the planet is shared by all beings, only a small percentage of these people control most of the wealth. An innate ability deep in the heart of this phenomenon called rationalization allows these beings to perform in this way. Ironically, it is this same ability to rationalize that is said to separate these humans from the other primates and lower forms of plant and animal life there. According to human mythology, that difference designates the human as clearly superior and accounts for the miserable treatment handed down.

The average human here begins his day with an assortment of legal drugs, rushes off to a job, and, according to some remote norm, spends the greater part of his/her day at that often tedious pursuit. After that time, or, as the humans say, when the whistle blows, they are set free to endure hours of electronic entertainment via an evil invention affectionately called television.

Another recent human invention, the Hubble Telescope, has been busy taking pictures, like one massive intergalactic Japanese tourist. Luckily, due to some twisted sense of vanity, most of the snapshots are of the earth itself and scientists there still don’t know we’re out here.

One saving grace is that the temporary occupants of this planet have shown themselves to be rather charming on a one-to-one basis and I have to admit that I find them generally warm and amusing if not loving and creative.

Although there has been talk of condemning this planet to the stellar wrecking ball, observers, including the 4 million space travelers now residing there, suggest that we take a wait-and-see approach to this mindless planetary doodling. Later, when another century or two has passed, we can decide on the final fate of this former Eden.

It is our fervent hope that we can open up lines of communication with the rat and the cockroach, two harmless groups who have exhibited the ability to withstand brutal human assaults since the last hurrah of the dinosaur. These two species have not been guilty of this stumble-bum ecological suicide and should be treated with respect by those who would intervene at a later stage. These scurrying survivalists, it is supposed, might even withstand a nuclear annihilation the type that has not been seen since the Cosmos Forty War, which, like a good bump on the head, seemed to corral stubborn mavericks throughout the Universe.

That’s about that for this month. We’ll be back again unless the earthlings accelerate their activities and cease to be, thus solving another riddle in our scattered megacosm and giving me a well-deserved day off.

EPA bigwig says oil spills are good for us

(Washington) Despite longstanding clean water and toxic air limitations the newly restructured Environmental Protection Agency has broken ranks with former colleagues and presented mounds of data to support its get tough relationship with the host planet, Earth..

Calling oil spills “organic” one EPA bureaucrat who came to work today likened the man-made disasters to good grooming in people. He eluded to tree huggers jumping the gun saying that oil floating on the sea kills harmful bacteria and detours predators like sharks and jelly fish from contact with humans.

EPA spokesmen storms the Potomac beach at Montross, Virginia to discuss oil spills and sand with local media.

“These spills are like Vitalis or medicinal hairspray for your scalp,” explained the agency spokesman. “Oil cuts salt content in the sea making it better to drink the water. It’s kind of like petro-salinization without all the work. Oil spills are completely organic and stress on wildlife and water quality are simply collateral damage.”

The source went on to describe the infinite benefits of modern petroleum drilling and transport of crude. He suggested that citizens would not be happy if they can’t buy gasoline or embrace petroleum-based products such as plastics and many recreational goods.

“Oil-stained fur on bunnies and petroleum-feathered birds are not our concern at this time,” said a recent EPA press release. “We have other fish to fry.”

“In a world of black and white this is clearly black and white,” said an activist quoting the current Clean Air Act which blames industry for 93% of all oil-related accidents since 1990. “Will we stand idly by as these wealthy derrick pumpers dictate policy?”

The activist went on to say that the combination of money and arrogance has created a dangerous climate where safety and competence take a back seat to expediency and often a blind eye.

“These oil companies think they are bullet-proof because they have been exactly that over the past two decades. They would rather be fined than spend money up front on prevention.”

An undetermined number of EPA employees vocally support the agenda empowered by the Trump Administration but none is willing to put opinions in writing. Others acquiesced, mumbling about paying lip service to keep their jobs through the next 3.5 years. 

In closing, the EPA says it will not undress accusations that a Congressional white wash spill has closed commercial ports all along the Atlantic Seaboard, bringing maritime commerce to a stunning halt on Monday.

– Fred Zeppelin

“God must love stupid people – He made so many of them.”

– Abraham Lincoln

Local bear given equal time on KBUT

(Editor’s note: This story will be easier to digest if one believes that animals converse in the local vernacular).

(Created Butte) KBUT Radio has launched a pilot program to allot air time to local black bear. Although details are still sketchy it appears both the station and the bruins are jumping foursquare into the fray.

“The bear are misunderstood and just want to tell their side of the story,” said station manager Jackson Petito. “We see ourselves as a community radio station and, like it or not, the animals are part of that small town pecking order.”

Solid public relations has turned human perception of the bruins from noisy, clumsy intruders who want to eat your garbage into intelligent, calculating pests who want to eat your garbage.

The entire movement has gone viral encouraging other progressive communities to act rather than coil in the face of bear intrusions. Local planners hope that the intrinsic fear of bear will counteract the fascination with rustic political negotiations and not create more publicity for a town struggling to deal with the rising tourist population.

“Just as long as they don’t touch the board and use the headphones, “ said one KBUT source who remained skeptical of the plan. “The last time we let them on the air over at the old studio we had three broken chairs and our controls were whacked out for a month. They didn’t even put the CDs back in their right sleeves.”

Some residents of the remote/urban Crested Butte zone do not understand that lazy bears are always hungry. The live on the fringe, out here in the forest watching for a chance the dine on people food. Surprisingly many are accomplished beer drinkers as well but are rarely brand conscious.

“You try hibernation…for just one winter,” said a black bear rights advocate who lives in a solar-friendly cave in Dark Canyon. “It changes one’s perception of time and of overall survival. It changes an animal.”

While generally docile black bear do pose a threat to humans in some cases. Exceptionally large males reach 500 pounds while smaller females can be overprotective of young cubs. Both tend to be cranky when hungry. In short, most confrontations do not lead to violence although the situation is highly unpredictable.

They are expert tree climbers, very adaptable and can move through the woods or meadows much faster than people. The smallest of the three bear species in North America, black bear forage over great expanses of country, filling up on fruits, nuts, insects, rodents and an occasional young deer or domestic calf.

“Hey, we don’t want no trouble.”

“We don’t take up parking spaces on Elk, linger too long in popular cafes or drive the price of real estate through the roof,” said one bear in sign language. “We are good, respectful neighbors and take good care of our young. It is sad that our detractors are spreading rumors that we are course animals and that we spend each night eating garbage, leaving scat, and making a mess,” said the sow.

The town has even considered dropping bear treats (organic and gourmet garbage) at remote spots on off Kebler Pass and above Irwin but that plan, kind as it may have been, was squashed by realists on the town council due to concerns of creating dependent animals and congregations of bruins close to population areas.

Once residents started tying up dogs and prohibiting firearms in town it opened up the garage door wide for these beasts of the shadows.

Bear fully support leash laws.

The majority of omnivores suggest that are waiting to be formally invited to one of the station’s popular fish fries but would show up at to Disco Night after the berries are exhausted and they start spending more time in town.

Bear don’t appear all that interested in people either way. It’s the people’s garbage that they’re after. Elk Avenue is over the top with summer tourists wandering and waddling. The bear issue threatens to the social flow which is already over the top. The eco-system here is quite fragile and cannot support increased grazing by any species.

“Hey we realize we can be intimidating and some of us enjoy it,” admitted one bear.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Fish Alarmed by Cyclical Drought

Turncoat trout and Cock-eyed salmon have filed a lien on Colorado Department of Snow and Raindrops stipulating that docks and levees do not comply with drought specifications. The two species, along with longtime whipping boys, the rainbows, natives and browns, are demanding first water rights in the event of a drought.

Sources linked to water usage say the demands, disguised as a passing concern by some, are unfathomable and that the fish need to get a grip. They reminded voters that water storage costs money and the budget was stretched beyond belief.

“We can’t get a grip for them,” explained one DOW source. “They are far too slippery.”

Colorado fish pay no taxes and create a documented strain our social resources. Fiscal conservatives along with liberals suggest that the DOW divert funds from license sales to help the needy in rivers and streams. These pleas seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

Of corpse counseling is available but there are cultural and linguistic barriers to contend with and often the limbless, cold-blooded vertebrates bring a bad attitude to the sessions.

“They all think they are the Big Fish when in fact they are insignificant whiners, said one local angler who baits his own hook and makes hush puppies in his bathtub.

“These slimy bastards think they have a right to water just because they have dorsal fins,” said a CDSR spokesman who commented off the record. They have even threatened to sabotage our crumbling infrastructure. Maybe we should start jailing trouble makers and undesirables under the Zero Tolerance Act like they do over at the War on Drugs agency.”

Private prisons have expressed little interest in including fish or animals of any kind in their prison population. Issues such as security and violence in the exercise yard are blamed for that hesitancy, even though an increased inmate count could be quite lucrative. The lack of legs and arms appears to be the dilemma.

“Very few of these creatures smoke anything or drive drunk so we have no means of punishing them for unpatriotic meanderings,” said the spokesperson. “I wish that people would stay in their homes and fish would stay in the water. Our gov’ment is doing the best it can do and doesn’t need rebellious input,” he gasped. “If the fish don’t like it here in America maybe they should swim to Mexico or Canada.”

– Uncle Pahgre