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Mosquito Luncheon Planned for Grand Mesa

(Ward Lake) An annual mosquito luncheon, sponsored by the Colorado Mosquito Legions, will be held Saturday, October 12 from 10 am to 3 pm on Grand Mesa. Mosquitos from all over the state are expected to be in attendance. Following a brief welcome picnic a host of parasitic field games will be held in the afternoon with a showing of the film Count Dracula in the evening under the stars.

“It was a successful summer and we’re here to let our hair down and reflect,” said Myrna Bloode, a longtime standout in the parasite arena.

According to one organizer the luncheon will most likely stretch into the dinner hour with lots of buzzing and munching going on. Out-of-state mosquitos needing directions or transportation should call the CML by July 21. Interested humans are encouraged to attend and need not bring anything but themselves.

– Blanco du Sangre


(Gunnison) Local bus enthusiasts have organized the nation’s first bus club here according to a press release received this morning. The club, founded for promotion and preservation of bus-related culture, will attempt to educate the public while it combats common misgivings about this kind of travel.

In addition the club will be responsible for recording bus lingo and chronicling history of buses in the Western Slope region. Slide shows on the most recent technology and hints on making left turns will be presented each Friday night at the historic ruins of the LaVeta Hotel on South Boulevard Street.

“We’ll be taking field trips to local fields and meeting the bus when it arrives on its daily trek from Pueblo and points beyond,” said Ralph Cramdenot of Almont. “Why just the other day we had a bus right here in Gunnison that came all the way from Kansas City. Small world, heh?”

Members feel that the public will gain new perspectives into bus travel through the efforts described here.

“With the Congress dragging its feet on passing gas bills we could all soon be riding the bus,” smiled Cramdenot, “We’re here to educate. There’s nothing worse than a rookie holding up the line looking for change or asking the driver stupid questions.”

– Paula Parvenue

Lukewarm Reception Greets Biblical Cliff Notes

The recently leased Cliff Notes on The Bible could allow easier, immediate access to the scriptures for the untrained and semi-literate. It could also encourage cherry picking and one-upmanship say detractors.

Now, rather than plowing through the Old Testament to locate supporting passages, the quasi-evangelist can scan the outlined forms and go right to the source. Later, after arming himself with the treasures of the ages, he can go back and study in context and form conclusions.

“We have enough strip mall reverends and mega money preachers already,” said Joshua Leviticus, a theological historian who managed the initial editing of the Bible, Guru Grath Sahib, Avesta, The Vedas, Torah, Tripitaka, The Book of Mormon, The Quran, and The Agamas.

“Nobody really knows who wrote all of these books, all of which contain heavy dogma and preferred methods of control,” he continued. “Most are stories about people and survival. Where the divine comes in is anyone’s appraisal.”

Saint Cliff’s Notes and the King Donald editions offer an extended index but few shortcuts to salvation while other pretenders rely on exclusivity, fear and distrust. Along with flag waving and xenophobia, adherence to these beliefs often leads to violence.

“Blind faith, a major component of all of these creeds, is no more than substitute for morality and love of fellow man,” added Leviticus. “It can be a dangerous thing in the hands of the less than trustworthy.

“You can tell me about atheists in fox holes and I can tell you that you don’t see pagans blowing up churches, synagogues and mosques.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Trump hit by pitch

(Washington) President Trump, appearing at the plate at a Congressional softball match, was struck in the forehead by a wayward pitch last night and is recovering in the Green Room at the White House. He reportedly has the blues and doctors are giving him reds.

His decision not to wear a batting helmet was lauded by his quasi-macho base. They still think he’s tough. Trump has been hit in the stomach several times in softball matches since his election but never in the noggin. Trump refuses to wear elbow pads, batting gloves or knee pads (even around Putin). He normally employs  glove but can not catch worth a damn according leaks pouring forth from the keystone.

“He didn’t even try to get out of the way of the ball,” said the catcher for the Democrat squad. “He just stuck out his head and collided with the ball.”

Trump is currently batting .125 in intellectual circles while leading the league in stolen dreams and unfounded bravado. He is most likely bound for the minors although injuries to starters may dictate a different scenario in 2020.

In a related development the Topps Baseball card company say it will terminate the Donald Trump card since no one collects them. Experts say the data on the back of the card is all lies.

– Dolores Alegria

Attractive female arm wrestler needed to sell ads for Horseshoe website in Durango and Telluride. Good pay.

Police Brace for Super Moon

The first known Super Moon is slated for September 20 in front of 1800 Pennsylvania Ave. Some 7000 people will pull down their pants and aim at the White House as a sign of their distaste for “El Mentiro de La Frontera”

Catered by Capital Meats, Pressed Ham on Glass, Depends, Arlene’s Cosmetic Surgery and other elitist Washington entities the event is invitation only. Participants must be cleanly dressed, quiet and show proof of lunar ascendency.

“Vendors are welcome. Drive-by photos will not be tolerated,” compressed Wardine Culo, Executive Director for Moonlight Serenades Ltd. “No fireworks, glass or dogs will be admitted. Air cover is will only be called in if we are overrun.”

Extremists on both sides have threatened to disrupt the event, listed in the Top Ten Things to do in Washington This Week flyer. If mooner numbers are higher than Trump’s 2017 Inaugural figures a grandstand and a second shift will be added.

Anal-retentive protesters are reminded not to climb trees or attempt trespass on White House grounds during the production and when the mooning draws to a close.

Billed as The New Boxer Rebellion by media outlets in support of the Republican agenda, the Super Moon will be duplicated at each of Trump’s Casinos and golf corpses every Sunday until November of 2020.

“Mooning is socialist,” said Republican senate leaders. “It would never be tolerated in Moscow.”

In other blockbuster summer news: Yes, Jesus is coming back this summer but he’ll be staying in Canada due to gun violence in the United States. After a rally in Vancouver a two-day visit to the child holding tanks on the Mexican border will replace a previously scheduled stop at the White House.

Meanwhile many Americans still believe Richard Nixon was innocent of all counts in the Watergate Scandal of 1973, says a recent Faux Nuze poll. Of these some 21% say liberals railroaded the man, 13% don’t recognize the name and 6% think he’s still in office.

In concurrent polls: 93% of FOX viewers believe that Donald Trump (of windmill cancer fame) is Don Quixote. (82% of those pronounced the name Quicksote, had never heard of Cervantes. Of that control group more than half said La Mancha is a giant burrito at Taco Hole.)

“Jousting with those evil leftist windmills is a great diversionary tactic and the entire Trump Administration has been armed with 9-irons to do just that,” says Faux defiantly.

Then there was the blown newscast that reported ICE was defeated – They meant to say ISIS. It could happen to anyone.

And I thought The Horseshoe was stupid.

-Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole

“How to Pick Up Neanderthals”


Neanderthals, Denisovans, Home Sapiens were mixing it up 450,000 years ago! Dolores Alegria’s infamous read: Missing Links in the Bathroom tells the reader step-by-step how to attract and maintain a meaningful relationship with all kinds of sub-per creatures. How to shave your partner’s back and how to avoid destructive domestic encounters. Potty training, limiting broken furniture and drinking from the appropriate glass are all examined. Are these early humans better in the sack or they have nicer cars? Are they bigger? What is the common shirt size or do they even wear shirts? Blending caused the Neanderthals and Denisovans to disappear, leaving us with Homo sapiens. Now it’s your option to turn back the clock with a no-nonsense reference book like this you could be dating by the weekend.