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Trout and Kokanee Pursue Refugee Status

(Gunnison) After years of dry conditions culminating in serious drought even the water is dry. Trout and salmon in local rivers have applied for emergency refugee status demanding to be relocated to wet environs even those experiencing flash floods and deluge.

The fish reportedly feel helpless under present conditions and prefer to tough it out in extreme conditions so long as the water is there to serve their needs. Most are good swimmers. A decrease in the number of refugees accepted into the country, while not adversely affecting fish in turmoil, has dominated thinking on the matter and leaves the cold-blooded vertebrates without a champion to advance their position.

One Department of Interior spokesperson at Almont responded to the desperate plea by saying that the fish “knew what they were getting into when they took the bait. Maybe they should set up offshore locations like we do. It sure beats following the rules established for the mainstream, Get it?”

– Small Mouth Bess

White Neighbor Calls Cops on Black Teens For Listening to Country

(Abundance Hails) An elderly woman called 911 on Saturday after “shocking behavior” in her alley. She says the intrusion, allegedly by Black youths, left her in fear of her life.

As she describes it: “Those kids, those noisy, c-c-col…Black kids were out in their alley garage playing Merle Haggert and Tammy Wynette real loud. I said to myself, “That ain’t rap or hip hop…so something must be wrong.  They are guilty of something. I better call the law. They take over the alley. The have those big handlebar bicycles. Some even drive cars and go to school. They talk funny to my cats…”

The police arrived moments later and determined that the youth were not disturbing the peace and tranquility of the landscape. They searched the garage anyway while flashing lights threw the bouncing beams of serve and protect. All they found of interest was a Miles Davis CD which they kept as evidence of having responded on the scene. After a stern warning the heat dissipated and the kids went home.

Meanwhile the neighbor, whose name was not released because she is quite wealthy, is under observation at St Roscoe’s Commercial Hospital. She is said to be worth in the deep millions and does not pay taxes because she’s been declared incontinent.

Her 17 cats, that she claims are not hers, were captured inside the house using snake charming techniques digested on the erotic Irrawaddy earlier in the century. Most are incarcerated inside the ATM machine at the woman’s bank. Customers report receiving a kitty with their withdrawal, a development that moved some and angered others.

Friends say the woman who called the cops does not leave her house and has not for 20 years since the death of Billy Ed, her favorite milking goat. It was the ravenous appetite displayed by Billy Ed that convinced her to give up trying to grow a lawn and instead cover her impressive expanse with paper clips in 2009. She stays inside watching TV news, talk shows, professional wrestling and pharmaceutical commercials, then goes to bed.

“No wonder she’s nuts,” said one resident. “She even gets her groceries delivered from over in Saskatoon and doesn’t drive anymore thank goodness. She began to go downhill fast when she gave up liquor. There are lots of people like her all over this great culture waiting for the last bus ride up the hill. What a waste.”

Meanwhile the father of one of the Black youths was reportedly floored by the accusations.

“It could have been worse. They could have been listening to Carrie Underwood , Hank Williams Jr. or even Elton John. Now that’s white music,” he said.

“Country has its place. I listen to Patsy Cline everyday. Now that music has soul. Some weekends I have a serving of Johnny Cash right alongside my Charlie Pride,” he said.

(Editor’s note: Reported Miles Davis tunes emanating from the lit up police cruiser caused onlookers to wonder aloud if this was somehow connected to what promises to be an ongoing investigation.)

Erectile dysfunction up 37% since January

(Minneapolis) Despite the passive-aggressive machismo, the nation is full of inept and clumsy lovers say doctors at the renown Mao Clinic here. Data collected, linking age to alcohol intake and after-dinner affections to thee-martini bed burner acrobatics, suggests that the situation is quickly deteriorating in an arena that few are willing to discuss openly.

“This performance was enabled when a top-ranking politician paid for sex and then lied about his escapades,” said one resident behavioral physicist on loan from Cal Polygamy Institute in Toronto. “We cannot clearly determine what that darkness might have generated when tossed out like pigeon feed to an already shell-shocked male population. When people easily accept what has always been immoral behavior as normal behavior they give up a part of themselves.”

Dr. Grace Ballgame fears that the situation is growing worse by the day. She warns of rampant denial, society’s acceptance of foreign stimulants, guilt, selfishness, expectation and the assorted hard copy of computer porn.

“All the fake bravado spewing up from Hell’s well is shaking the very foundation of what it means to be a functional male,” she continued. “Replacing love with lust is like replacing patriotism with slogans and jingoism. Even these people know the difference. They just want to blame someone in and out of the bedroom.”

Detractors of this and any other studies say it is simply a coincidence that the numbers jumped so dramatically in January in conjunction with feeble, unsubstantiated White House threats aimed at minorities, aliens, traditional allies, liberals, journalists, gays, Democrats, China, women, Canada and unions.

Sources inside the White House chose not to comment on the haunting analysis.

– Gabby Haze


“Well your blessed I guess

from never knowin’ which road you’re chosen.

To you the next best thing

to playin’ and winnin’ is playin’ and losin’.”

– from “The Lucky One” by Alison Krauss

Ouray News Legend First Turned Down Laker Offer

(Elk Meadows) Recognized as the best player in the world by many Labrawn James penned yet another lucrative contract this week but many say he was second fiddle to a Ouray County scribe.

Confirmation that former Plaindealer publisher David Mullings had scoffed at an offer sheet from the Los Angles Lakers has leaked out through the forest up here. His rejection of a 4-year $54 million contract stunned friends and colleagues but Mullings remains unmoved by the proposal.

Clear disclosures that Mullings received the offer first have rocked the usually stable basketball hierarchy. Stark realization that Cleveland Cavalier great Labran James only signed after the journalist rejected the deal, may shed light on the future of the sport

And in the ashes of what is evolving into a bigger drama Mullings says he might opt to play bocce ball in Colombia at a fraction of the pay. His best-selling novel “Roll”, which chronicles the sport from its beginnings in Calabria, is already in its second printing.

Mullings’ agent, Rebecca Pencilskirt, a Medellin attorney told reporters in Denver that her client would be a welcome addition to any one of the city’s squads.

“He was afraid that the money would taint his way of life and put him out of touch with the common man,” said Pencilskirt, like Mullings a former Lobo.

“Sometimes windfalls hit you up the side of the head and other times they just blow by, she shrugged. “Pro bocce ball is played only on Sunday in the Antioquian Leagues which would then allow more free time for other pursuits on the field of play.

– Rocky Flats

Montrose High grads drink beer through straws

Innovative Montrose natives, Adam Thompson and Meghan Haley experiment with cutting edge drinking tools on a hot day in the nation’s capital . Good golly Miss Molly —  What will they think of next?

November, 2018

“The backlash is coming. It is the deserved consequence of minority-rule government protecting the rich over everybody else, corporations over workers, whites over nonwhites and despots over democracies. It will explode , God willing, at the ballot box and not in the streets.”

                                  Dana Milbank Columnist Washington Post