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Incredible benefits of hemp (continued)

By now we have all heard about the wondrous benefits of THC, CBD oil and hemp. Are these claims valid? These people think so.

“My husband broke his arm during his high wire act on Monday and by Thursday it was just like new thanks to cannabis,” says Marcelle Pesterman. “He’s doing flips and working out on the rings just like before. What would he have done without it?”   

“I was on experimental pharmaceuticals  for ten years but now I just take two pills made of marijuana and coconut cream and no more pain. I give it to the cats and dogs and even my house plants.”

Neville Hoser, Manchester City

“I lost a toe to a lawn mower in 2017. Then I started taking hemp pills and in just three months it grew back as good as new.”

– Beyone Dynamite, Las Vegas, NM

“I fell 13 stories and bounced right back up because of my hemp clothing. It insulates and it kept me from zero tolerance with the pavement. I said goodbye to cotton and polyester. Imagine where I’d be today without a little THC!”

Chad Rammerbean, Delta, CO

“I used to get lots of speeding tickets but now with hemp I have slowed way down and can even smell the roses at 30 mph. Today I go with the flow. I don’t worry anymore.”

– Xeno Phobichek

Marianne Marvelous says it saved her from a life of crime. The former fracking model was headed down the path of alcohol and destructive drugs when she discovered the benefits of a bong hit in the morning. Today she sips an occasional glass of wine and hits the hay at dusk. “No more social trauma. No more frantic mornings. No more questionable people hanging in the parking lot. If there is a stairway to heaven its made of hemp,” she asserts. 

– Stoned in Oklahoma City

“I tried everything for hair loss but when I started eating specially prepared hemp and herbs daily I was a regular at the barber shop.”

Roscoe Sainte

See what cannabis can do for you!

Learn more: Pot Saved My Puppy!  She was housebroken in 2 days!

Trump Wall could be built from crumbling infrastructure

(Falfurrias, TX) Architects here agree that materials needed to build the proposed Border Wall between US and Mexico could be easily procured from fallen down and decaying bridges, potholed highways and dubious airport runways still standing, and/or abandoned within the United States.

They conclude that 25% of the concrete, rebar, barbed wire, piping, plastic, stones, fiber reinforced polymers and wood studs and could be easily gathered within a 50-mile radius between Laredo and Corpus Christi. All could be harvested from once vital and imperative physical edifices and configurations that have fallen into ruin and never replaced by any gov’ment.

The proposed Good Neighbor Wall on the US-Mexico border looks a lot like another infamous European wall but unlike its concrete cousin can be built with failed and discarded infrastructure.

When one considers the mass of dysfunctional infrastructure in the country it is easy to imagine it as material for a security wall. When people stop caring for other people and start building walls to keep some in and some out the matter of deteriorating transportation and communication systems takes a back seat.

“See those warped and twisted train tracks over there,” gestured one local builder. “We could make 20 lookout towers with just part of that stash of steel. Crumbling infrastructure like the bricks of low-income housing and tiles of poorly built shopping malls could come in handy too especially with tariffs and environmental red tape.”

Just who would build the wall was not discussed.

Meanwhile a reported 200 tons of Gorilla Glue has arrived near McAllen with more expected at strategic border sectors by the weekend. It was not clear if an accidental rollover of a Mega Lard dumpster was related to these incidents.

“We’re just waiting for that check from Mexico to pay for the erection,” said an anonymous White House Press Secretary who has never told a lie.

– Fred Zeppelin

Deadline nears to write off lost golf balls

The Internal Revenue Service reminds us that Friday marks the termination of an innovative program that allows golfers to deduct the cost of lost golf balls from their 2018 federal income taxes. You may cheat at golf but now you won’t feel compelled to cheat at income taxes.

It’s pretty simple. Golfers can now embrace legal linkster subtractions from their bottom line when filing 1040s. In that once shameful arena called tax loopholes we see law-abiding taxpayers where we once saw crooks.

Losses must be documented according to a loosely fitting national tax code, although three balls per hole is the limit. Empty boxes and lengthy searches will not be accepted as validation of deficit or shortfall. Insiders say it is a windfall for sportsmen…much like how anglers enjoy trout credits and skiers profit with tight boot points.

Critics here in Colona say the programs aid only the rich and elite who already have the money for these pastimes. They say poor people who are actually in need of financial relief will never engage in golf, skiing or fly fishing due to prohibitive costs attached to the sports.

Look what I found!

“We’ll just throw them a soccer ball with their daily meat allotment and they’ll carry on like before,” said the wealthy author of many entitlement programs benefiting upper tier.

In other news:

Tattoo bans lifted by many local courses.

Controversial tattoo laws that have clouded the fairways this summer may be a thing of the past. Today three leading courses said they would drop the ban on weekdays for the fall.

Tattoos are still prohibited on many public courses and often frowned on at high dollar, malingering private clubs in Colorado.

“If they are stupid enough to pay our annual fees they can come play golf in a frilly lampshade and pearl-studded flippers for all we care,” said Efram Pennywhistle, heir of the Want to Be Rubber fortune and veteran sand trap marshal.

Golfers playing through November are reminded that whack points awarded for hitting other golfers do not include those over 90 who are not really moving. These bonus gift points can only be accumulated in the summer and in no way reflect handicaps.

Also: Golfers who walk courses rather than ride carts could attain the coveted surfer status by the first snowfall whether it arrives in November or May. Although provisional, the recognition is final only after riding a slicing riptide across the Pacific to China.

-Alfalfa Romero

Baby Eats Software, Grandparents Held

Grandparents in hiding after software malfunction

(Montrose) a 2-year-old toddler who ate a large quantity of computer software Monday while visiting his grandparents, has been released from St Roscoe’s For Profit Hospital this morning.

Doctors say the child will be fine. They prescribed an assortment of drugs and suggested a change of diet. A minor surgical application removed the alien programs and replaced it with healthy data. No viruses were reported.

It was not clear if the grandparents would be charged with negligence or complicity in that they were asleep at the time of the alleged incident. All have been in seclusion since the weekend. It is not known if the parents were on the premises when the incident went down. Police are investigating.

All responsible parties are warned to keep software in a secure child-proof location.

Hot dog contest champion explodes

(Mañana) A Maher man, Rufus Maxwell, 95, has exploded after eating 87 hot dogs in under 40 minutes during a Myopic County Fair contest. The feat represents 3 dogs shy of the existing record established in 2010.

The annual exposition had not seen anything like this before, unless one counts the high-wire, two-headed chicken act from Uravan that brought down the house in 1952. Then, of course, there were the full-contact digital quilting clashes on the cliffs high above Horsefly Canyon just last year.

None offered the drama and terminal depth of Maxwell’s sudden demise.

It all began quite innocently. A hot dog eating contest – what could be more tranquil, more American? Then, while firmly in the lead, contestant Maxwell, a Wimpton undertaker, gobbled down his 87th tube steak he puffed up, blasted off and dropped dead right in front of grandma and the kiddies who had come to watch the festivities.

“He didn’t choke or nothing. We think he just filled up and detonated,” said Arlo Kasket, Assistant Coroner from over in Pinkyville. “Rufus never weighed more than 135 pounds even after winning the pie eating bout in 2017.”

Others finishing the ingestion match were Julianne Pettifogger, the first woman to swim from Utah to California; Cuerdo Gordo, a decorated bait trimmer from LaSal Junction and the timeless “Patron” Manual Flushe, who raises thoroughbred vienna sausages on his palm-laden manor near Colona.

Judges will conduct a secret lottery to determine who would be declared winner on the night before Maxwell’s funeral.

Onlookers agreed that the enduring struggle with hot dogs was reminiscent of Paul Newman’s predicament in Cool Hand Luke (arguably the best film ever made),

where the hero bragged that he “could eat 80 eggs”.

The upcoming Mañana County Fair, slated for Labor Day Weekend, will feature an alternative vegetarian hot dog eating contest and solar barrel races in honor of the deceased.

Myopic County officials were virtually impossible to reach after the incident. Local scuttlebutt strongly suggests they are attempting to minimize collateral damage to the seasonal carnival which brings in over 4.5 billion dollars to the local economy each August.

Did you know…?

For centuries a term of endearment, Toots (or Tuts, even Tutz in the old Sicilian) was blacklisted as “politically incorrect and offensive” in 2018 for alleged sexist innuendo.

Despite the rejection, the term is still in use in poly-ethnic/geographical pockets, most notably from New York to Boston and in noted Gumba enclaves of Greater Los Angeles.

Next Month: Whadayanuts? – is this word really only two syllables?

Saguache, Uncompahgre isolated in alien codebook

The Four Corners Department of Spacemen and Strange Visitors has issued a warning for Saguache County and the Uncompahgre Valley after intercepting coded messages from outer space. The hacked correspondence references these specific places in Colorado seemingly using them as poles, landing zones or even assault points.

“We are no more than Belgium in 1914 and 1940,” dramatized a bitter Lake City resident. Our two arrogant neighbors get all the press and we sit here with more landing zones than a three-legged sky diver.”

The decoded message has emerged as a coherent document from a crowded agenda of infantile babbling to power point plotting to jigsaw cross-referencing over the past 10 years. The clear reference to more remote locales on the planet suggests that potential visits from space personnel are not far off.

“Maybe they can make some sense of this mess,” said a Saguache cattleman. “Even the cows don’t know what’s expected of them and that isn’t much,” he spat.

– Dolores Felicidad