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(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of dealing with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.

The brave crew responsible for geographic miracles at sea. “Moving large islands has never been easy.”

These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.

“When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport.

“We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”

If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea to an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continue to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.

– Finn McCool

Pew Poll Robs Peter to Pay Paul

(Montrose) In the most recent Pew Poll, taken at local kneeling places over the weekend, Good holds a narrow margin over Evil. Principals in the polling admit that their survey is not entirely scientific since it targets faithful kneelers who are regular visitors and users of the religious apparatus.

“People with knees or feet sticking out cannot be counted, nor can people who are standing or sitting,” said one pollster. “Them that stayed in bed or don’t go to church at all have been written off and no consulted at all on these matters.”

Good, generally represented by a Supreme Power netted a 51% approval rating compared to Evil, represented by Demonic Darkness filed a 46% response. A surprising 3% remain undecided as of Monday morning.

“It’s difficult to comprehend how anyone could be undecided with all the publicity and everything,” continued the pollster who conceded that absentee ballots from beyond the grave would not be counted until after next week’s sermon entitled “Exporting Democracy”.

Although the polls have been conducted exclusively in Christian domains researchers insist they are valid.

“Some of the pagans have complained that the choices are far too limited,” said the poll source. “They’d like to see all the Hindu gods represented or maybe the Sun and the Moon as well. I’m just glad the enlightened are masterminding these returns or we’d have anarchy at the altar.”

At present respondents have the choice between God and Lucifer, with the other members of the metaphysical elite taking a back seat. Unless something major goes down between now and the final appraisal experts expect things to remain about the same.

“We’ve got a Supreme, all-powerful being who can’t seem to shake his adversary from the depths while the Evil One is impotent just so long as the Good Guy is on the heavenly throne,” said the pollster. “It’s a constant struggle that takes place in the heart of every human, every day. A stalemate of these proportions is unthinkable yet horns have been locked since First Light. It’s no wonder people are confused.”

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Reverend Lauds Valhalla as White Heaven

(Hell, Norway) A strip mall evangelist last night told his dripping flock that heaven wasn’t for everyone, especially if you happen to be of color. Rev Arthur H. Snow, a lifestyle polygamist and legendary cakewalk anchor, further contended that the name of the place was not Heaven at all, but was called Valhalla.

“Valhalla is definitely a gated community and only admits Aryans and other Northern Europeans,” he said, offering no further resource for his claims. “Jesus was a Visigoth and Valhalla is his home,” continued Snow. “Look at all the pictures of him. He’s white. He ain’t no Semitic. He’s not even Italian. He just has a nice tan from spending all that time preaching in the desert and such.”

At that a discomforting quiet came over the room as the assembled had never heard of Visigoths and were not sure they liked them. The name sounded evil.

“Don’t worry about marauding Visigoths,” Snow added quickly. “They were once barbarians but now their Christians and little buddies of the Lord.”

A sigh of relief was heard as the congregation smiled contentedly at the news that another pack of pagans had seen the light. They waited, arms folded in their faithful laps for another outburst from their favorite cleric. The collection plate made its way around the room and Snow cleared his throat for another go-round.

According to the reverend in a closing sermon, all this ashes-to-ashes and dust-to-dust status did not apply to the chosen assembled here.

“Sinners and non-believers will face the ashes and dust judgment,” he decried, “You bet…but the faithful can take their bodies, bank accounts, guns, even their cars to this promised land of milk and honey.”

-Jim Crow

WHO warns: Do not let politicians kiss your baby

(Brazzaville, Congo) The World Health Organization has released a statement warning parents as to the dangers of allowing their off-spring to be kissed by politicians.

The caveat, made public as part of a United Nation’s effort to control outbreaks of cholera, yellow fever, malaria and stupidity denounces the age-old custom of candidate affection toward persons too young to vote.

“Do you want someone who spends the entire day avoiding the truth and making up lies kissing your kid?” asked Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Panties Without Borders. “I for one choose to keep my off-spring away from these scalawags. I’d sooner brush lips with a water buffalo than one of these sycophants looking for an easy paycheck.”

– Estelle Marmotbreath


House passes legislation banning shootings at private schools

(Gunsmoke) The United States House of Reprehensibles today passed the first of many promised gun control measures aimed at curbing violence in the nation’s schools. Targeting private schools first, the lawmakers voted unanimously to outlaw shootings at these institutions of learning.

“We feel that the students of privilege should be protected first, then if there are funds available we will look at solutions for the rest of the citizenry and their children,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy-TX). “After all their parents used to pay more taxes than the parents of those students at public schools. We must protect the future leaders of the Fatherland.”

Whether the ban will have any affect has yet to be seen since mass murderers rarely follow the letter of the law. So far right-to-life advocates have remained mute on this life and death debate causing many to wonder how they define the terms.

“It’s just a gesture, said House Speaker Gerrymander Ryan-McConnell. “A move to let people know we care. My kids are in private school. Aren’t yours?” he smiled at a group of supporters present at the passage of the bill.

The NRA has recently taken issue with reported number of school shootings so far in the US in 2018 “Only 15, not 18 (as the mainstream press has reported)” says powerful gun lobby.

“Right there we can see the desperate propaganda spewed by these hateful liberals that want to take our country toward communism,” said Noise. Liars all. It’s a damn good thing NRA members are standing up for their rights.”

Related plans to arm teachers and mine playgrounds at public schools will continue with a final reading of the proposals in the senate on Friday.

“Hey, the liberals bitch because we pay for education with local taxes and the rich have good schools while the poor suck it up one more time,” added Noise. Let’s get real. It’s all about money. These people need to quit school and embrace minimum wage opportunities that abound out there.”

More than 90% of the current student body in the United States would be unaffected by the move. These public school children have fallen outside the safety net and will be dealt with when other more pressing issues such as gay marriage and legal pot are undressed.

Meanwhile sales of assault weapons are brisk in apprehension of the day when Democrat storm troopers will come for all flintlocks and pocketknives.

– Fred Zeppelin


Uncle Ben defects to China

(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin one removed to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “Uncle Ben” Brown has reportedly fled to the People’s Republic of China where he has already applied for political asylum.

The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret white rice recipes to the Chinese. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Peking via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.

“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”

The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Trump Administration who had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.

 A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.

“In no way should Ms Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for the anarchy in Liberia or the war in the Congo.”

 When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after dinner.

“There are substitutes for oil; there is no substitute for fresh water.”

– Paul Ehrich, from The Population Bomb, 1968