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Dependence on foreign toilet paper nets dire proviso

Dependence on foreign toilet paper nets dire proviso

(Washington) The White House this morning warned Americans of the inherent dangers lurking when trade imbalance and personal hygiene clash.

Toilet paper trees in Colombia

Sketching a dark future, President Trump told supporters that everything was terrific minus this one small caveat. He urged people to conserve stockpiled rolls and produce twice as much as last year. He praised the oil and linoleum industry and sang praises for those brave pioneers extracting the popular product by clear-cutting trees and drilling holes into the earth.

“And here’s to all of my compatriots sitting in public stalls, trapped in unfamiliar plumbing schematics, waiting in the rain for toilet paper,” he said, blasting the Chinese once again. “We are firmly in control here.”

A formal press release (on a roll of toilet paper) is expected by tomorrow. Critics are calling for a plunging on the domestic crisis and a complete flushing of initial response brokers and curious stock portfolios.

When asked by a reporter if he could reassure his constituency Trump responded by smiling, “Ask the Chinese”.  This reference to China was the latest promo for a coming installment of The Oriental Scapegoat, a new virtual TV drama where contestants shoot out the eyes of tin Chinese bogeymen who are spinning around in a circle while Trump looks on. The pilot program has received rave reviews in television audiences from Naples to Naperville.

You say Corona, I say Colona

Who would you most like to be quarantined with for three weeks? What a question. How about for three months? That might be a bit taxing. How much toilet paper would one need to encourage a pleasant ambience?

The Federal Government has released new procedural implementations:

Wash your car 3 times a day that way your hands are clean.

Pray with Mike Pence for guidance

No gum chewing in public

Wear clean underwear at all times (you know why).

In the event of nuclear germ fallout get under your desk and cover your head.

Stay at least 800 yards away from strangers

Self-quinine for three weeks or so

Sell unlatching sox before the market crashes

Terminate all international travel since the airlines aren’t operating anyway.

Avoid touching yourself.

Apply snake oil when anxiety peaks

Don’t call us – We’ll call you

Read Quarantined With Your Ego. How to deal with your self-conceptions in a world facing apocalypse.

Update: Several leading opinion polls indicate that less than .01% of all Americans who has raved on about creeping socialism will turn down a stimulus check when it arrives in their mailbox. This includes churches that have lost millions in tithing with closures and social distancing.

*After earlier hopes were dashed, it appears that virus does not affect pine beetles.

In closing you are all invited to the Corona Beer Rebranding Party scheduled for July 4 at the Manana Grange. Suds and Social Distancing is the tantalizing theme and risqué costumes are encouraged. CEOs of the beverage company will reach out into the country’s pocketbook with their team. Many will have recent bonus checks stapled their foreheads.

Tainted currency source of virus in US

Bulletin: Deep State of Emergency

Citizens are urged to avoid unnecessary contact with paper bills of all denominations. Higher denomination currencies seem to carry germs more contagious than ones and fives. Get ride of them all. Credit and debit cards are not completely safe either. Treasury notes and gold are the most lethal.

Bag it up and drop it at Department of Fiscal Fermentation, Mirrors and Security, 33 Whinnerah Ave, Colona, CO 81403. You should receive a receipt for the transaction in 300 days or so.

Who’s Afraid of The Ides of March?

Today is, or begins, the Ides of March depending on which interpretation one follows. While the only person in recorded history whose demise is connected to the date (s) Julius Caesar, there is no reason for any of us to take chances what with spring just around the corner.

The initial problem with The Ides is grammatical in that the term is singular and can be used only with a singular verb. The Ides is is correct while The Ides are is hillbilly talk.

When attempting to examine The Ides, most reference is to the assassinated Roman Emperor brought back to life by William Shakespeare in his tragic 1600 play, Julius Caesar.  Here he coined the term The Ides of March in order to amaze and frighten the English peasantry, who populated most of his weekend audience.

Along with all this ascribing to Caesar, we found little mention of much else: a Thornton Wilder novel and the website of Ides Inc., a plastic materials information managements company. Despite the fact that Czar Nicholas abdicated on March 15, 1917 Julius Caesar has corned the market on The Ides which have become synonymous with the offing of this particular dictator 2050 years ago.**

Robert Krulwich, of National Public Radio suggests that the hit men themselves celebrated the successful coup by singing Roman beer drinking songs such as 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall using Roman numerals. The thought of swooning Roman senators belting out mathematically challenging tunes at what he calls an “Apres Slaying Party” is certainly a possibility. However, did they do it before or after a trip to the vomitorium?

Precautions taken for The Ides should be simple and direct. Experts suggest that if one must leave the house he should not mingle with congregating bodies of politicians in strange haircuts. In addition, he should particularly avoid government buildings with marble steps and columns. Do not respond to invitations from anyone named Brutus, Cassias, Boomer, Portia or Bluto. Cease your power trips. They may provoke violence on the part of already, agitated colleagues.

And don’t go anywhere wearing only a flimsy toga. It may be starting to look warm outside but it’s still winter and you could freeze your arse.

Getting back to the scene at the Forum, it is apparent from his arrival from Gaul that Caesar is about to go under the knife.  It is likewise clear that Brutus orchestrated the murder with the help of Ligarius and Trebonius (who allegedly preferred piano wire to knives) while Cassias was only supposed to drive the getaway chariot.

The plan itself was childish. Had leaders like Cicero and Publius not been out campaigning or investigating the ethics of their colleagues in the senate they might have long in advance ferreted out the planned attack and called the Praetorian Guard. They might have blamed the whole attempt on Gaelic terrorists and bumped up the military ante. God only knows the Gauls had a motive to waste Caesar after all that reconnoitering up north.

But alas, poor Caesar.

*Hereafter we will refer to the Ides of March as The Ides because we want to. The Ides are the 15th day of March, May, July and October and the 13h day of the other months. The Ides of March is the first day of spring.

**Of note: there is the instrumental, The Ides of March, by Iron Maiden from the album Killer acknowledging the event.

Mobs Attack Science Fair

(Cajones, MO) Prompted by local climate deniers an angry crowd attacked an itinerant science exhibit here scattering participants and obliterating over 100 booths before disengagement.

The mob, leftover from an anti-immigration rally held here last night smashed displays and interrupted demonstrations of alternative energy and evolution before moving on to burgers and fries in a secure pavilion provided by a local soft drink concern.

The Earth Is Flat Society, the Know Nothing Party and several local religious sects denied involvement in the destruction although leaflets distributed before the assault bore the birthmarks of previous intervention.   

“It’s the devil’s workbook,” said one Calvinist preacher. “There is nothing about these secular postulates in our teachings. They are dirty like sex education and voting for a Democrat.”

Physics and chemistry are not offered in the mandatory public education curriculum…especially at the middle school level. As a result many of the zombies involved in the violence see these disciplines as witchcraft.

Progressive elements, busy cleaning up the mess, blamed the outburst on the use of Teflon in the kitchen, the constant exposure to talk radio and the daily consumption of trash food.

“It’s the standard xenophobic boilerplate,” said one chemist from Moline. “Up until now no one has successfully produced stupidity in a test tube but it is not for the lack of effort.”

– Juliene Pettifogger

Senator calls for more security on Wall

Senator calls for more security on Wall

(Sterile Sands, AZ)) More guards may be needed to protect the expanding Trump Wall from pilfering says Senator Quincy Chirpe (GOP) of West Virginia. The call for increased vigilance arrives as chunks of wall were reported missing this morning along the entire US border with Mexico.

Poor people south of the border are using the easily accessed material to build houses. The porous structure, haphazardly built and improperly aligned to prevent erosion and water damage is an expensive diversion that appears unable to stop refugees from crossing at will.

“The Wall will keep out airplanes too and boats and…socialism and bad people and…” – Senator Chirpe of West Virginia says wall will be built of coal.

“We see this monument to stupidity as just another Trump fantasy that was never meant to function at any level other than pandering the president’s shrinking base,” said Rep. Alice Carbonfoote, a Democrat from Charleston. “Wasn’t the control of migration the original idea behind this monstrosity?” she asked before being threatened by wall work crews, angry that they had not yet been paid promised wages and blaming their fiscal desperation on “swamp-dwelling liberals”.

“We will probably have to build a wall around the wall to protect the wall,” said Chirpe. “Fortunately we have Russian backing and an unlimited supply of bricks. We also have a horde of trigger-happy militias intent on blood,” he grinned.

The bird-legged Chirp has received much notoriety after promising his constituents that the entire border barricade would be built of West Virginia coal. A loyal Trump ally since the Obama Birth Certificate Scandal, Chirpe was the inspiration for the Gold Brick Program where enthusiastic supporters of non-existent immigration policies can write their name on the concrete barrier for posterity and $500 cash (no checks).

For more information on how you can support corruption, ignorance and racism go to and make a pledge.

“This beautiful, terrific and wonderful wall on the Mexican border has been so successful that we’re building another intergalactic wall to protect us from space creatures and comets,” bragged Chirp. “It will stretch from Venus to Pluto and be constructed of good ol’ West Virginia coal, too” said Chirpe. “But we won’t start on that one until after the 2020 election. Even President Trump can’t do everything for our country in so short a time.”

In a related development: fumigators were observed at the White House again Friday for the second time this week. A revolving administration staff source insisted the claim was fake news despite thousands of photographs to the contrary snapped by on-site security cameras.

– Sally Peaches

A finca in the sky

A finca in the sky

The wonders of Antioquia continue to unfold at a coffee finca at 7,000 feet. Looking down on flocks of birds and absorbing the rich greens as enhanced by the best coffee on the planet. Photo by Delinda Austin





Health and Stealth

with Melvin Toolstoy

Broken hearts not considered a pre-existing condition

In a blow to rejected lovers the House today voted in favor of the insurance cartel saying that lost love does not constitute a threat to life and therefore is not automatically included in basic medical or surgical treatment on most policies.

In addition, broken hearts could not be classified as a pre-existing condition but that persons with multiple love calamities and worn track records could still be denied coverage.

“This decision heavily favors those who embrace monogamy or who have not yet met the right person,” said Doctor Simon Lackluster of the Mao Clinic. “People who are not in touch with their libidos should not have to worry about emergency room etiquette and are free to seek treatment in more progressive cultures where medicine does not have a steep price tag.”

The announcement said nothing of exorbitant prescription costs and the absence of the Hippocratic Oath on medical balance sheets in the United States.

Any procedures compliant with freethinking and alternative care are not covered under Medifaire. Instead white tipped canes will be handed out to those blinded by emotion.

Executive insurance policies still promise “You can take it with you even though that has yet to be confirmed by anyone in a position of authority.