RSSAll Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Peace Treaty with Bad Angels in Jeopardy

(Hell) An antediluvian agreement, allegedly signed in the primeval dust of angelic battle, has been destroyed by fire according to demonic sources here.

“It is a tragedy of epic proportions,” said a prepared statement from downstairs.

The loss of the original pact between Good and Evil leaves that classic truce hanging by its ears. It’s destruction casts doubt on the validity of contracts, grants and leases written and signed before or since it was reduced to Hadean ashes. It also puts the Two Eternal Powers toe to toe and could dictate a return to hostilities.

Heaven, hesitant to mobilize for fear of offending its most favored trading partner, has declared a nationalemergency so as to give attorneys time to respond or find a copy of the initial peace treaty.

Both sides have shared little, preferring to jockey for godly position, one eye on the saints and the other on the sinners. Meanwhile the entire salvation mechanism has broken down as bureaucrats ignore daily chores so as to more effectively measure adversaries on the power pole.

One celestial expert is quick to dismiss the crisis. “…rusty-saber wing flapping by a bunch of old-fart arch-angels that would be better off playing golf.”

“Good and Evil have been co-existing for so long that it is often hard to tell one from the other…like right and wrong,” she flinched. “They are comfortable together.”

Sociable scientists in Purgatory say the entire episode is politically motivated and that morale is particularly low in hell this time of the year.

“The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, warns a Purgatorial proverb,” she quipped.

“By now the place must be overcrowded with sinners of all shapes and sizes. Seriously, I’ve heard the food ain’t half bad the service is inhumane.”

– Daddy Longlegs

Bears Blamed For Donut Hole Heist

(Colona) Black bear, believed to have descended from Log Hill Mesa, are being blamed for the disappearance of over 6000 gourmet donut holes since the beginning of summer. The pilfering, which coincides with the opening of Zona de Colona Coffee House, had not been a problem in town since the railroad days.

Even though the holes are meticulously separated and stored in “bear-proof” containers the bruins come in at night and by morning they have run off with the glazed and sugared apertures. Law enforcement has been ineffective since the animals simply wait for stepped up patrols to pass through town then go back to their dirty work.

“We respect nature and all,” said one principal at the donut oasis, “but the nightly losses are killing us. The bottom line remains the same. Even a numbskull knows you can’t have donuts without donut holes!”

Many Colonese are at odds with Fish and Game, who they say coddle the bear. They like their morning ritual when dough becomes donut and do not appreciate the heavy-handed intrusion.

“When’s the last time one of these fury pests brought a box of donuts into work?” chided a local ranger. “People do it all the time. Bears get away with a lot of things because they are bears. Same goes for the moose but they don’t give a damn about donut holes, at least for now.”

– Patty Pettifogger

Baseball to Expand to Eleven Players

(New York) Major League Baseball has announced that it will expand on-field rosters in 2018 so as to make the game more interesting. The decision to go from the traditional nine players to a bulked up eleven was received with mixed reviews by baseball’s loyal followers.

Many say Major League Baseball is eager to capitalize on the popularity of football while distancing itself from the more violent sport. Architects of the plan insist that 2 more players on the field will pique interest in the stands and at home on television.

Proponents of the changes say their decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the rabid popularity of football, the darling of TV and a sport that employs eleven players on the field at a given time.

“A lot of us are still getting over the designated hitter clause in the American League,” said Spike Mulroony, a Baltimore Oriole fan who lives in Washington DC. “Now they want to augment the current rosters by going to eleven players on the field.”

O’Toole said the move would further dilute the already dwindling pool of talent that now exists.

“Just so long as they don’t increase the number of pitchers used at one time,” suggested ” Mulroony. “It’s important to keep the 150-year legacy intact but with the price of a hot dog at the ball park who’s going to notice another outfielder or two?”

Actually the specific expansion will affect two newly created positions on the diamond. The first will be a logical fourth fielder who will play short center field or be pulled in to the infield to cut off the run at the plate. The second will be a super-utility player who might find himself filling the hole between first and second or backing up the catcher.

“We feel that the addition of two new positions will make the game more competitive,” said former Florida governor, Jeb Bush, soon-to-be appointed Commissioner of Baseball. “There was far too much offense last year and the serious fan wants a return to the pitcher’s duel and the one run difference.”

Bush added that football has eleven men on the field at once and baseball has nothing to fear in embracing that numerical relationship.

Republicans in Congress are skeptical as to the move. Some say it is nothing more than another poorly disguised jobs bill aimed at employing more people on at least a seasonal basis.

“Presumably the size of the entire roster will increase” said Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). Teams will be forced to add four players to play the two extra ones. This reeks of monopoly and we will consider anti-trust legislation to protect the integrity of professional sports.”

Product endorsements and the sales of professional team gear should not be affected.

– Rocky Flats

Who called for all the rain? Maybe these guys? Sun flowers stand at attention on a summer day near Olathe.

Brain food cafe shuts doors

(Montrose) The Upper Story Bistro, a longtime fixture here, closed down today. Citing competition from fast food restaurants and rising costs in doing business, the owners described their 15-year history as “a good run” and wished former customers the best.

Specializing in foods that encourage healthy brain cell growth the cafe may reopen in another community here or go to the Pacific Northwest where, due to a higher population might dictate a higher demand for this kind of cuisine.

“We hope our clientele will continue to embrace good health habits in their kitchens at home,” said one former owner.

One competitor, who opened a burger franchise right next store in 2015 said she was tired of all the whining.

“Nobody cares about macrobiotic dining and improving their mind when they can catch a delicious burger and fries on the run and wash it down with a giant soda pop,” she said. “These people need to get a clue about life in the modern world.”

“Having choices is important but not when they conflict with city sales tax numbers,” said one city councilperson. “Once our master plan is fully integrated and we have every known chain represented there will be no choices, except in that unhealthy, methodical realm. We don’t hear a lot of complaints from the mainstream and all those health nuts out there on the fringe don’t amount to a hill of beans. Maybe they should all move back to Boulder.”

– Alfalfa Romero

Supreme Quart bans Democrats and Republicans

(Washington) The United States Supreme Quart voted unanimously today to ban Republicans and Democrats from these North American shores.

Despite the decision that disallows the use of the longtime labels in public life, the former party affiliates will have until October to remove their elephants, donkeys, banners, straw hats, slogans, bumper stickers, lapel buttons, fund-raising machines, campaign offices and inspired supporters from the country or face imprisonment.

Otherwise the verdict is effective immediately.

Saying the political parties are an obstruction to democracy and true voter choice, the lawmakers concluded that both of the pork barrel entities were extremely wasteful, expensive and arrogant. They further warned that graft and corruption were rampant at all levels of politicizing within both hierarchies.

“These scalawags are quick to quote the Constitution, perform puppeteer feats and find the little pea clam shows (colorful diversions) for their constituencies while lining their own pockets,” said the highest court in the land. “They are destructive to our hard-won freedoms and what is left of our plutocrat republic. Most never even read the proposed bills that lopsidedly land on their desks. We fear that many have not read the Bill of Rights either.”

Three of the justices went on to say that forbidding these special interests from conducting business on American soil may curtail the downward spiral in the quality of life enjoyed here.

The exclusion of the country’s two most influential political entities is sure to leave a void that the dark robes hope to fill with broken promises, scandals and hand waving common to the disgraced politicians.

It was not clear how the action would affect lucrative Congressional health and retirement status, or lobbying opportunities for retired legislative loungers.

“We expect to see more political parties on the ballot in 2018 and a healthy number of potential registrants by 2020,” said one justice. “Although this suspends the current methods of bureaucratic vote counting over a hot fire it should steer the electorate away from mindless lever pulling in the booth.

Democrats and Republicans expressed bipartisan shock at such swift action saying they do not enjoy such expediency in Congressional chambers. They say they won’t take the affront sitting down.

“We’ll bet on the greed and apathy of our countrymen to put us back in the driver’s seat pretty damn quick,” said one party standout. “We’ll just change our names to Whigs or Know-Nothings and be back in our limos before you can say Henry Clay.”

– Rufus Maxwell