RSSAll Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Gorilla Glue “Spill” Foils Congressional E-Seating

An unexplained application of super glue, allegedly smeared and squirted by terrorists, has prevented a quorum in the House and Senate. The intrusive substance, thought to be Gorilla Glue due to its bonding quotients, was disbursed onto all doors leading in and out of the legislative chamber preventing lawmakers from taking their accustomed seats Monday morning.

The doors, now welded shut with the fast acting chemical compound, have thwarted attempts by leaders here to E-Seat themselves in apprehension of hearings on term limits and campaign financing.

The term E-Seat refers to the eternal and elite status of the average Congressman who is supposed to represent the citizens of this country but often opts for its own interests instead. Many think the glue, liberally applied over the weekend, is the work of obstructionists intent of derailing investigations and hearings on the subject of corruption at the highest levels.

According to a history censor, on retainer at the Horseshoe, “There is no precedence here. The glue may just be a practical joke or a warning as to tar and feathering to come. The barrels discarded near the Capitol certainly validate the seriousness of the felonious maneuvers.

In response to the attack the White House had threatened to cut off all exit visas issued by the New Deep State. These were aimed at domestic detractors, local critics and the disloyal. The response was shelved when close aides informed the president that the country does not now require exit visas for anyone especially US passport holders.

The Trump people want exit these highly visible controls and are pushing for them. On paper the law allows for the establishment of such controls but has shunned the idea due to the expense and impracticability of such a move.

“These people are very much like gorillas,” said one political analyst. “Considering the recent bi-partisan track record in these chambers many of us think we should leave well enough alone until after the mid-term elections.

– Pepper Salte

Catholic Church Adopts Wells Fargo PR Campaign

(Rome) The Vatican is about to unleash an aggressive ad campaign intending to spit and polish its tainted image after news of further sexual abuses on young children by priests in Pennsylvania.

The public relations attempts are closely modeled on an attempted cleansing by Wells Fargo Bank, a financial institution indicted for fraud and subsequently fined $185 million by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.

The church appears perched to embrace the bank’s struggle to regain credibility began earlier this summer with the slogan “Earning back your trust – Our Recommitment to You” which pleads guilty as charged but promises to be good in the future.

“We are reinventing ourselves,” said a spokesman for the Vatican.

Will the ad campaigns sound like this?

Wells fargo – Established 1852 AD  Reestablished 2018 – (Yes, we were crooks but forgive us and we’ll try to be honest the next go round.)

The Catholic Church: Established 1 AD  Reestablished 2018.

Wells Fargo was indicted for creating fraudulent accounts without the consent of clients. The bank could face another $1 billion in fines over fraud that forced customers to purchase unnecessary car insurance during the scam to bilk people of their money.

The Catholic Church has lost credibility due to continued sexual assaults on children and the powerless people they are in theory suppose to be helping.

Both could face further civil and criminal suits. Wells Fargo answers to few while the Church answers to no one (unless maybe all the fear-mongering about Heaven and Hell jargon is actually true).

The concept of “earning back your trust” is a relative term since many worldwide would never consider trusting known predators like these…persons of trust, no?

Wells fargo had planned a campaign including an endorsement by preachers on the payroll but they dropped the idea because lawyers feared legal action. Same with Church – only they planned to bring in the Price of Darkness himself to scare their flocks back into submission.

The bank’s new Victim Account pays back lost funds but does little to protect people’s credit rating often lowered as a result of the fraud. It looks to be another whitewash. Meanwhile the Church has done little or nothing to correct the sins a longstanding predators. Will the betrayals and cover-ups continue?

Our team will continue to work to redeem itself and salvage               the confidence of our designated flocks,” said an attorney working with both entities. “Trust may have gone out the window but in time people will forget and walk right through the front door again.”

One customer at Wells Fargo said it best: “I bank there because I like stage coaches.”

No convincing concern for victims. More sincere ad campaign might be Please excuse our sociopathic manner – We got caught but we’re trying to convince you that we are nice now.

Yes, life is good if you are on the top of the revolving egg.

These developments have left many of us wondering whether criminal deeds like these should prevent both of these institutions from doing business in the country at all.

What then is gained by dazzling the fool?

Wells Fargo has put on its dirty white hat and increased minimum wage paid to tellers and non-executive personnel.  Will the Vatican share it’s immense wealth with the poor of the planet? Most likely not.

Melvin Toolini

“I only drink to make others interesting.”  – Rahsaan Larry Kleenex

Incredible benefits of hemp (continued)

By now we have all heard about the wondrous benefits of THC, CBD oil and hemp. Are these claims valid? These people think so.

“My husband broke his arm during his high wire act on Monday and by Thursday it was just like new thanks to cannabis,” says Marcelle Pesterman. “He’s doing flips and working out on the rings just like before. What would he have done without it?”   

“I was on experimental pharmaceuticals  for ten years but now I just take two pills made of marijuana and coconut cream and no more pain. I give it to the cats and dogs and even my house plants.”

Neville Hoser, Manchester City

“I lost a toe to a lawn mower in 2017. Then I started taking hemp pills and in just three months it grew back as good as new.”

– Beyone Dynamite, Las Vegas, NM

“I fell 13 stories and bounced right back up because of my hemp clothing. It insulates and it kept me from zero tolerance with the pavement. I said goodbye to cotton and polyester. Imagine where I’d be today without a little THC!”

Chad Rammerbean, Delta, CO

“I used to get lots of speeding tickets but now with hemp I have slowed way down and can even smell the roses at 30 mph. Today I go with the flow. I don’t worry anymore.”

– Xeno Phobichek

Marianne Marvelous says it saved her from a life of crime. The former fracking model was headed down the path of alcohol and destructive drugs when she discovered the benefits of a bong hit in the morning. Today she sips an occasional glass of wine and hits the hay at dusk. “No more social trauma. No more frantic mornings. No more questionable people hanging in the parking lot. If there is a stairway to heaven its made of hemp,” she asserts. 

– Stoned in Oklahoma City

“I tried everything for hair loss but when I started eating specially prepared hemp and herbs daily I was a regular at the barber shop.”

Roscoe Sainte

See what cannabis can do for you!

Learn more: Pot Saved My Puppy!  She was housebroken in 2 days!

Trump Wall could be built from crumbling infrastructure

(Falfurrias, TX) Architects here agree that materials needed to build the proposed Border Wall between US and Mexico could be easily procured from fallen down and decaying bridges, potholed highways and dubious airport runways still standing, and/or abandoned within the United States.

They conclude that 25% of the concrete, rebar, barbed wire, piping, plastic, stones, fiber reinforced polymers and wood studs and could be easily gathered within a 50-mile radius between Laredo and Corpus Christi. All could be harvested from once vital and imperative physical edifices and configurations that have fallen into ruin and never replaced by any gov’ment.

The proposed Good Neighbor Wall on the US-Mexico border looks a lot like another infamous European wall but unlike its concrete cousin can be built with failed and discarded infrastructure.

When one considers the mass of dysfunctional infrastructure in the country it is easy to imagine it as material for a security wall. When people stop caring for other people and start building walls to keep some in and some out the matter of deteriorating transportation and communication systems takes a back seat.

“See those warped and twisted train tracks over there,” gestured one local builder. “We could make 20 lookout towers with just part of that stash of steel. Crumbling infrastructure like the bricks of low-income housing and tiles of poorly built shopping malls could come in handy too especially with tariffs and environmental red tape.”

Just who would build the wall was not discussed.

Meanwhile a reported 200 tons of Gorilla Glue has arrived near McAllen with more expected at strategic border sectors by the weekend. It was not clear if an accidental rollover of a Mega Lard dumpster was related to these incidents.

“We’re just waiting for that check from Mexico to pay for the erection,” said an anonymous White House Press Secretary who has never told a lie.

– Fred Zeppelin

Deadline nears to write off lost golf balls

The Internal Revenue Service reminds us that Friday marks the termination of an innovative program that allows golfers to deduct the cost of lost golf balls from their 2018 federal income taxes. You may cheat at golf but now you won’t feel compelled to cheat at income taxes.

It’s pretty simple. Golfers can now embrace legal linkster subtractions from their bottom line when filing 1040s. In that once shameful arena called tax loopholes we see law-abiding taxpayers where we once saw crooks.

Losses must be documented according to a loosely fitting national tax code, although three balls per hole is the limit. Empty boxes and lengthy searches will not be accepted as validation of deficit or shortfall. Insiders say it is a windfall for sportsmen…much like how anglers enjoy trout credits and skiers profit with tight boot points.

Critics here in Colona say the programs aid only the rich and elite who already have the money for these pastimes. They say poor people who are actually in need of financial relief will never engage in golf, skiing or fly fishing due to prohibitive costs attached to the sports.

Look what I found!

“We’ll just throw them a soccer ball with their daily meat allotment and they’ll carry on like before,” said the wealthy author of many entitlement programs benefiting upper tier.

In other news:

Tattoo bans lifted by many local courses.

Controversial tattoo laws that have clouded the fairways this summer may be a thing of the past. Today three leading courses said they would drop the ban on weekdays for the fall.

Tattoos are still prohibited on many public courses and often frowned on at high dollar, malingering private clubs in Colorado.

“If they are stupid enough to pay our annual fees they can come play golf in a frilly lampshade and pearl-studded flippers for all we care,” said Efram Pennywhistle, heir of the Want to Be Rubber fortune and veteran sand trap marshal.

Golfers playing through November are reminded that whack points awarded for hitting other golfers do not include those over 90 who are not really moving. These bonus gift points can only be accumulated in the summer and in no way reflect handicaps.

Also: Golfers who walk courses rather than ride carts could attain the coveted surfer status by the first snowfall whether it arrives in November or May. Although provisional, the recognition is final only after riding a slicing riptide across the Pacific to China.

-Alfalfa Romero

Baby Eats Software, Grandparents Held

Grandparents in hiding after software malfunction

(Montrose) a 2-year-old toddler who ate a large quantity of computer software Monday while visiting his grandparents, has been released from St Roscoe’s For Profit Hospital this morning.

Doctors say the child will be fine. They prescribed an assortment of drugs and suggested a change of diet. A minor surgical application removed the alien programs and replaced it with healthy data. No viruses were reported.

It was not clear if the grandparents would be charged with negligence or complicity in that they were asleep at the time of the alleged incident. All have been in seclusion since the weekend. It is not known if the parents were on the premises when the incident went down. Police are investigating.

All responsible parties are warned to keep software in a secure child-proof location.