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DIVINE POWER RANKINGS

Week 86 (Perceived Armageddon)

1. Jesus Christ. Missionary network keeps the offense competitive. Home field advantage may curtail problems with simple playbook taken to extremes by fans. Righteous in the Red Zone will make the difference when push comes to shove.

2. Mohammed. Fan base, although greatest on planet, may not be enough in the Fourth Quarter. This franchise is hot and getting hotter despite radical element that favors the blitz and the long pass down field. Only current setbacks center around failure to control the line of scrimmage.

3. Buddha. Many veterans returning after previous lives. Despite trouble with Hindu running backs, the defensive line continues to please season ticket holders (ancestors). Good karma in defensive backfield may lead to a host of turnovers.

4. Moses. Back to back losses to the Egyptians and the Philistines should set the stage for a final showdown in the playoffs. Chosen people at tight end and special teams may have parted the Red Sea but can they contain a kosher running game? Sore arms and legs (from building pyramids in Egypt) may shorten career.

5. Gandhi. Hindu passing game coming on at the end. Will Gandhi be able to unite the elements and address the problems of the untouchables on the sideline? Too many minor deities in the huddle. Jain special teams unconvincing at season’s end.

8. Martin Luther. (Too borrow from a bad joke) If he can found Protestantism, why can’t he find an open receiver down field? Nailing play lists on the locker room door may not be enough to motivate in the last days of feudalism. Addition of John Calvin, George Fox, John Wesley and Mary Baker Eddy may muddy the solution to turnovers and mental lapses on special teams.

9. Abraham. Although first drafted by the Jews, the Muslims and Christians sought his services as line coach. Probably the best player ever to come out of Ur. Stone tablets a little too cumbersome for effective booth consultation. Beard may get in the way of Xs and Os.

10. Brigham Young. Just when things look the darkest a new quarterback emerges from the flock. Tough on home turf but does not play well to more sophisticated defenses. Settling for a field goal won’t win many matches.

11. St Paul. The other teams have figured out the flea flicker, the end around and the play action pass. Home sermons focused on Jesus and Martin Luther should determine who gains a bye and who hits the road. No beer in the fourth quarter originated here.

12. The Popes. Despite all the money, established rituals, extravagant uniforms and promises of the Promised Land it has grown increasingly difficult to field a team. Vatican squad losing fan base. Hail Mary not enough these days. Need a miracle to get back on track. – Dolly Lamar

“The clearest way to the Universe is through a forest wilderness.” – John Muir

Return Foul Balls or Beer Prices Go Up at Coors

(Denver) The Colorado Rockies announced today that unless fans begin returning home run and foul balls from the bleachers, beer prices would increase at Coors Field. Traditionally balls that land in the stands have been kept as souvenirs.

The move was not received well by many fans who see the change as restrictive and contrary to baseball tradition.

“This amounts to nothing short of an ultimatum,” said one season ticket holder. “The idea of returning a ball hit out of play in un-American, like forgetting the words to Take me Out To The Ballgame. “We will not be denied our day in the sun,” he said from a shady seat along the third base line.

Already a beer boycott is in the wings which threatens the fiscal health of the sports franchise.

“With high salaries and operating expenses we can no longer let fans walk away with baseballs,” said a spokesman for the club. “Between beers sold during the game and recycled balls we can pay for two utility outfielders and half a backup catcher. We’re just trying to balance the books. It’s nothing personal.”

In short,” said a source in the accounting department, “Rockies’ fans will have to return the balls or pay more for beer.”

The source would not elaborate as to the likelihood that mindless sideshows and promotions will be affected by the announcement.

“The Rockies could cut to the chase and terminate all the non-baseball events going on in the stadium between innings” said the fan from above. “We just want to hold onto our keystone culture in a world that increasingly sees these customs as irrelevant. Baseball defines us. It’s as American as catching a foul ball or sipping a cold beer on a hot afternoon and we haven’t even touched on peanuts and hot dogs.”

-Rica “Suga” Beets

Depends Intros Opinion Pants

“Everyone has one and it often gets messy”. That’s the slogan for Depenz new Opinion Pants that have only yesterday been approved by a slew of unnecessary federal agencies and echoed by floundering consumer protection eunuchs.

The pants, made of synthetic hemp, can be worn on the inside or the outside and are not just for older people. The wrap not only keep one’s sense of humor dry but it mutes and edits verbiage transmitted from vital organs according to a spokesperson for Depenz.

One could only expect to see a variety of applications from bar chatter to family dinners, and from city council minutes to law enforcement efforts.

Everyone needs a little control when it comes to relieving themselves through hasty or mindless opinions, according to the innovative company. These are apt to do the trick!

Despite all the excitement the release of the product is not expected until November. Interested consumers are asked to “just shut up” until then.

– Fred Zeppelin

Bears Waking Up in High Country

Black bear all over the Rockies are waking up for the summer. Many need furniture. If you have anything to donate please drop it in front of any bruin-proof debris container in your town. And please hold the noise down until 7 since the animals often like to sleep in on weekends.

GARDENING MAGAZINES CAN LEAD TO DEPRESSION IN HIGH COUNTRY

High Altitude Blues

(Dallas Divide) Reading gardening magazines this time of the year can lead to serious depression according to a local psychologist. People who habitually peruse these glossy periodicals run the risk of embracing serious doldrums after looking at pictures of colorful flowers and green grass, then glancing outside at leftover, often discolored, windswept snow.

“The safest way to handle this potential problem is to wait until about May or even June to examine these magazines,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a local circuit shrink whose practice spans an area from Lizard Head Pass to Sargents. “Every year, despite our frank warnings, we treat more and more people for this malady.”

Pennywhistle says that the condition often surfaces as early as February, after the first warm weather descends on the area.

“These spectacular days are nothing but teasers, as most of us know,” he said, “but somehow our subconscious convinces us that winter is over and summer is on the way. This is dangerous ground on which to proceed, even if it is beginning to thaw out.”

Pennywhistle suggests that gardening enthusiasts pull the drapes and stay inside if they feel compelled to expose themselves to these drastic contrasts. He suggests daily sessions with all kinds of of fertilizer followed up by nightly soil inhalants.

Adding that the practice of sending more chronic cases to the Amazon for a month has worked in the past but that newer, more potent, cases of the blues have began surfacing a few years ago.

“Geographical therapy is less and less effective. This depressed state is not good for other people and plants who have to deal with this sadness on a day to day basis either. It affects entire communities. If the truth be known, I prefer that my clients stick to snowmobile and skiing magazines until at least the Fourth of July .”

– Fred Zeppelin

“Would that the Roman people had a single neck” (to cut off their head)  – Emperor Caligula (Gaius Caesar)

Water Off at White House

Trump Rescinds Obama Era Edict on Toilet Seat Responsibilities

(Warshington) Service personnel and Administration collaborators arrived at a dry White House this morning in the midst of a torrential rainfall that closed golf courses and prevented lobbyists from getting to work in the nation’s capital.

The parched mansion’s faucets stopped flowing due to the actions of the local water utility. That public concern admitted to the disconnection saying that despite three late notices and several phone calls there had been no response from the White House.

“As is and has been our strict policy when dealing with deadbeats, we will turn the water back on when the bill has been satisfied.”

The municipal water source did not say whether a deposit would be required to insure continued service but did remark that this was the first time they had had to interrupt services to “a standing President that failed to put the seat down” since prohibiting Andrew Jackson’s jacuzzi use before and after the Trail of Tears way back in 1830.

Oddly the office of the EPA was flooded during the previous evening leading Congressional camp followers to demand a thorough investigation. Many said privately that it was a “clear act of sabotage by persons wishing to further embarrass the President.”

“Heads will roll,” exclaimed Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who also be high a dry these days.

Sanders has been out of the limelight after accusing her boss of textual harassment on more than one occasion in March. Although those charges have yet to be countered it is expected that she will be replaced by one of the President’s caddies, a graduate the Hearst School of Yellow Journalism at San Simeon, who is an ardent admirer of illustrious showman, P. T. Barnum.

The current Press Secretary, a graduate of Ouachita Baptist University (and Little Rock High) was forced to confirm that no one had been tagged with the periodic task of paying the White House water bill. What other duties, missions and daily responsibilities have been left unmonitored was muddled.

“If they can’t pay the phone bill each month what can we expect on follow-up domestic priorities and in the international arena,” asked Les Spine, a Democrat from the Provinces. “I can assure you that Russia, China, Iran, Turkey and yes Syria and North Korea each have paid phone bills due this month. I know because I did the research.”

Whether Huckabee would return to her Annie Get-Your-Gun ministry near bad-country-music-loving Branson, Missouri was not clear.

“It could have happened to any Administration,” she said, moving on the next question before it could be reviewed on instant replay. “The President is mentally fit,” she clamped down clumsily and out of context.

Concurrently Trump has threatened to hold back paychecks at the water department still headquartered in clammy, liberal Washington.

“No water –No checks!” was the despotic Trumpian retort, presented in familiar candor “becoming to this frightened, pampered bully” according to a slew of former employees.

Close aides — quick to remind their tufted idol that the people at the water office did not work for Trump Industries or the federal government — were quick to defuse the threat lest it be manipulated by the evil leftists at CNN or MSNBC.

This seemed to ease his tirade although the Commander in Chief flew into another self-induced spasm when told his television connection would be disconnected in the morning if funds were not received by the end of the workday.

Emergency water supplies have been forwarded and Marine helicopters will water the lawn starting Friday. All White House dependents are in the process of relocating to Trump International Hotel near Freedom Plaza. The American taxpayer is expected to cover for the undetermined tariff.

“All this because job descriptions were not made clear, said a Trump loyalist. “This is a unavoidable  occurrence when we see such turnover.”

Detractors say the water bill thing is nothing compared to the diplomatic snafus coming down all over the world due to a dangerous marriage of arrogance and incompetence residing within the current gov’ment.

In other news President Trump has rescinded an Obama-era decree that calls for White House toilet seats to be returned to seating mode after use.

Saying that none of his female staffers were fence sitters on the issue, architects of the move suggested that indoor plumbing would become a thing of the past anyway soon to be replaced by the Dark Age privies of Plutocratic parlance.

-Fred Zeppelin