RSSAll Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Bears Waking Up in High Country

Black bear all over the Rockies are waking up for the summer. Many need furniture. If you have anything to donate please drop it in front of any bruin-proof debris container in your town. And please hold the noise down until 7 since the animals often like to sleep in on weekends.


High Altitude Blues

(Dallas Divide) Reading gardening magazines this time of the year can lead to serious depression according to a local psychologist. People who habitually peruse these glossy periodicals run the risk of embracing serious doldrums after looking at pictures of colorful flowers and green grass, then glancing outside at leftover, often discolored, windswept snow.

“The safest way to handle this potential problem is to wait until about May or even June to examine these magazines,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a local circuit shrink whose practice spans an area from Lizard Head Pass to Sargents. “Every year, despite our frank warnings, we treat more and more people for this malady.”

Pennywhistle says that the condition often surfaces as early as February, after the first warm weather descends on the area.

“These spectacular days are nothing but teasers, as most of us know,” he said, “but somehow our subconscious convinces us that winter is over and summer is on the way. This is dangerous ground on which to proceed, even if it is beginning to thaw out.”

Pennywhistle suggests that gardening enthusiasts pull the drapes and stay inside if they feel compelled to expose themselves to these drastic contrasts. He suggests daily sessions with all kinds of of fertilizer followed up by nightly soil inhalants.

Adding that the practice of sending more chronic cases to the Amazon for a month has worked in the past but that newer, more potent, cases of the blues have began surfacing a few years ago.

“Geographical therapy is less and less effective. This depressed state is not good for other people and plants who have to deal with this sadness on a day to day basis either. It affects entire communities. If the truth be known, I prefer that my clients stick to snowmobile and skiing magazines until at least the Fourth of July .”

– Fred Zeppelin

“Would that the Roman people had a single neck” (to cut off their head)  – Emperor Caligula (Gaius Caesar)

Water Off at White House

Trump Rescinds Obama Era Edict on Toilet Seat Responsibilities

(Warshington) Service personnel and Administration collaborators arrived at a dry White House this morning in the midst of a torrential rainfall that closed golf courses and prevented lobbyists from getting to work in the nation’s capital.

The parched mansion’s faucets stopped flowing due to the actions of the local water utility. That public concern admitted to the disconnection saying that despite three late notices and several phone calls there had been no response from the White House.

“As is and has been our strict policy when dealing with deadbeats, we will turn the water back on when the bill has been satisfied.”

The municipal water source did not say whether a deposit would be required to insure continued service but did remark that this was the first time they had had to interrupt services to “a standing President that failed to put the seat down” since prohibiting Andrew Jackson’s jacuzzi use before and after the Trail of Tears way back in 1830.

Oddly the office of the EPA was flooded during the previous evening leading Congressional camp followers to demand a thorough investigation. Many said privately that it was a “clear act of sabotage by persons wishing to further embarrass the President.”

“Heads will roll,” exclaimed Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who also be high a dry these days.

Sanders has been out of the limelight after accusing her boss of textual harassment on more than one occasion in March. Although those charges have yet to be countered it is expected that she will be replaced by one of the President’s caddies, a graduate the Hearst School of Yellow Journalism at San Simeon, who is an ardent admirer of illustrious showman, P. T. Barnum.

The current Press Secretary, a graduate of Ouachita Baptist University (and Little Rock High) was forced to confirm that no one had been tagged with the periodic task of paying the White House water bill. What other duties, missions and daily responsibilities have been left unmonitored was muddled.

“If they can’t pay the phone bill each month what can we expect on follow-up domestic priorities and in the international arena,” asked Les Spine, a Democrat from the Provinces. “I can assure you that Russia, China, Iran, Turkey and yes Syria and North Korea each have paid phone bills due this month. I know because I did the research.”

Whether Huckabee would return to her Annie Get-Your-Gun ministry near bad-country-music-loving Branson, Missouri was not clear.

“It could have happened to any Administration,” she said, moving on the next question before it could be reviewed on instant replay. “The President is mentally fit,” she clamped down clumsily and out of context.

Concurrently Trump has threatened to hold back paychecks at the water department still headquartered in clammy, liberal Washington.

“No water –No checks!” was the despotic Trumpian retort, presented in familiar candor “becoming to this frightened, pampered bully” according to a slew of former employees.

Close aides — quick to remind their tufted idol that the people at the water office did not work for Trump Industries or the federal government — were quick to defuse the threat lest it be manipulated by the evil leftists at CNN or MSNBC.

This seemed to ease his tirade although the Commander in Chief flew into another self-induced spasm when told his television connection would be disconnected in the morning if funds were not received by the end of the workday.

Emergency water supplies have been forwarded and Marine helicopters will water the lawn starting Friday. All White House dependents are in the process of relocating to Trump International Hotel near Freedom Plaza. The American taxpayer is expected to cover for the undetermined tariff.

“All this because job descriptions were not made clear, said a Trump loyalist. “This is a unavoidable  occurrence when we see such turnover.”

Detractors say the water bill thing is nothing compared to the diplomatic snafus coming down all over the world due to a dangerous marriage of arrogance and incompetence residing within the current gov’ment.

In other news President Trump has rescinded an Obama-era decree that calls for White House toilet seats to be returned to seating mode after use.

Saying that none of his female staffers were fence sitters on the issue, architects of the move suggested that indoor plumbing would become a thing of the past anyway soon to be replaced by the Dark Age privies of Plutocratic parlance.

-Fred Zeppelin

Pot Plants Threaten Colombian Villages

A giant, aggressive ganga strain is kilometers away from three defesneless villages in Quindio this morning. The rapidly reproducing cannabis stalks appeared, as if overnight in many of these remarkably beautiful valleys. Authorities, hard-pressed to take action, said they hoped the dryer weather would slow the plants’ progression. Local police fear that the swooning weed may be detrimental to humans and wreck havoc on their communities. “We should have listened to Jeff Sessions,” said one mayor sipping coffee downtown.

Sorry to have mislead you…

In last night’s edition we erroneously reported that our man was Toole chased through Bogota (Colombia) Airport by small, unidentified men wearing Jeff Sessions masks. This may not be entirely true: After cross-examination it turned out to be just a dream enabled by late night arepas with sardines, aguardiente and chocolate ice cream.

We hope that our reader will continue to trust us to provide only the truth herein, as standard bearer for what is clean, concise veracity in the dissemination of information. We pledge fidelity, integrity and dedication with regards to the Truth of the Day despite the fact that it often runs the gamut between bad fish and stale upside-down cake.


Toole Boasts About Bluffing to His Readers

“The inside of my head is far more interesting than city council meetings and gov’ment press releases. I prefer to make up the news.”

That’s what one man told us when asked about the ethics of spreading mistruths.

Satire is often based on some ridiculous twist of fate or departure from reality. It only wants to entertain. Lies or fake news is an attempt to change one’s behavior and opinions by presenting falsehoods on which to base future action.

Citing “Trump vs Trudeau” Toole argued that the court had found for the plaintiff and therefore dictates similar actions with regard to mistruths and misrepresentation. He added that the similarity of consonants at the beginning of the leaders’ names clearly indicates previous collusion.

Unable to read or write, the longtime copy editor made friends easily despite constantly stretching the truth for profit.

“One of the least confrontational chaps in a world full of ambush and pettiness.,” said longtime friend, Arthur Stanley Blurts, who was incarcerated from 2009 to 2011 for lying to his mother.

“I could bamboozle anyone from a sheik to a shoeshine boy,” whelped Toole. “I particularly enjoy lying to special counsels and public libraries.”

Making up statistics and gift wrapping them as the truth creates victims on both sides of the maneuver. The liar starts to believe his own lies while the lied to is thrown into a no-man’s land where no one could be trusted. Healthy human beings learn to embrace honesty in second grade.

“He not only creates all of this mindless intrigue in his head but he tells everyone it the real deal. People are so confused at this point that no one knows the square root of 49 anymore. That’s my lucky number so beat it. I’m on my way to see my sugar,” said Blurts.

Toole did not return our calls Friday. A close aide said he was quite busy on the driving range and afterward was expected at a liar’s poker tournament in the greenskeeper’s shed.

-Gabby Haze