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TOBACCO EXECS `CALL THEIR MOMS, RARELY KICK DOGS’

(Winston-Salem, NC) The average tobacco company executive calls his mother on Sundays, never misses a family birthday and loves little puppies according to a recently released personality sketch by hired gun publicists for the American Tobacco Association.

The bosses dress nice, are well educated as to foreign markets, have never been involved in the White slave trade, did not vote for Joe Stalin, are not on welfare, have a strong interest in youth, and do not smoke.

The data was collected by polling the top tobacco executives in North Carolina.

In addition pollsters found that the average exec was trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.

The National Rifle Association and the Republican Party disavowed rumors that a similar survey may be exercised within the ranks of these entities.

– Jerry Mandering

“Democracy and stupidity just don’t mix.”  – Alex Hamilton

      

Broncos Break Tradition on Wide Receiver Corps

Dog lovers and revelers on the fringes reported to having spotted John Elway scouting the Meeker Sheep Dog Trials last September.  He was also seen interviewing some dog owners after the event, penciling down cell phone numbers of Basque herders, while spilling his gin and tonic on his new sheepskin boots.

Following up this story and leaving behind all common sense, multiple messages have been received for yours truly at the local pub, concluding that we can expect to see three of the swift furry Border Collies starting in the Denver lineup as wide receivers against Kansas City tomorrow.

Local hero and presidential candidate, Melvin S. Toole has reported that this story is true but the Collies still have to be broken of the habit of bringing wandering sheep back into the huddle after running long post patterns.

Tim Menger

ap,  upi, kfc

Idyllic view on way up Ohio Pass

UFO Continues to Hover Over White House

(Washington) A foggy cylindrical object the size of the national debt continues to float above the White House this morning leaving Pentagon officials aghast. The gray steel craft that many say resembles a Big Mac with tiny observation slits. Others describe what appear to be beaming capacities at the front and rear.

Secret Service agents on the scene say that the pesky spaceship has not shown aggression nor will it go away when we attempt to shoo it or threaten military action. It’s been four days now and although the president is away playing golf there is concern for his safety.

“We can’t be sure but we think the flying machine is loaded with tiny little green men intent on entering the country illegally,” said one White House security officer. “Everyone wants to live here you know.”

Astrologists predict that the craft has travelled billions of miles to complete its mission. One National Aeronautics and Space Administration strategist called the entire episode ambiguous since there are no photos of the flying saucer.

“It came within 20 yards of the West Wing this morning and I shot several photos. When I attempted to post them they were not there,” said the NASA Source. “We are dealing with a gap in technology. Even our Hubble Collection could not capture an image.”

Rumors that House and Senate leaders Mitch McDonnell and Paul Ryan have been abducted were confirmed this afternoon.

“We can only believe the president. Everyone (else) is a liar,” said that Huckabee woman. “He is on the 6th green and is expected back in Washington tomorrow. Just wait and see what these cowardly space creatures do when a real man is on the scene.”

Reporters, amused by the continued antics surrounding the administration, did not press Huckabee who spent the conference trying not to look up would not confirm the sightings.

The craft was first spotted in July at a Tacoma Park nightclub disguised as a pizza delivery truck carrying refurbished souls for Republican politicians and a cargo of synthetic spines for their Democrat counterparts.

“We figure the aliens have seen enough and have decided to intervene before we humans succeed in blowing the planet apart,” said one veteran reporter and enemy of the people. “I’d give my right arm to see their final guest list.”

It is not known if the visit from outer space is in any way linked to other bizarre occurrences of late. Readers may remember that yesterday a tornado touched down at the top of the Continental Divide and universal health insurance was established in the U.S.

Then this morning, in a classic logjam maneuver thought to be perpetrated by the aliens, an Amtrak computer malfunction sent hundreds of its trains on a mad dash to Utah.

– Gabby Haze

Senator Noise Called Dinosaur on Fossil Fuel Policy

(Gillette WY) Called “heartless” by many in his own party and “gutless” by others Oral Noise just doesn’t know when to zip it.

His recent claim that coal mining is beneficial to the environment has even right-wing advocates running for cover.

“Coal mines relieve stress on the planet by releasing carbon fumes and toxic gas into the air so they can then be safely blown away into space,” explained Noise. “Leaving these elements down inside the earth is dangerous and will lead to massive explosions and hurricanes.”

A further defense of fracking in relatively safe red state Wyoming, along with a tearful embrace of the oil industry has put him at odds with awakening fence sitters in the House and Senate that want cleaner air and even cleaner energy.

“These guys are so damn crooked,” said one former Republican who now works to promote alternative fuels. “They will say and do anything just to keep those campaign contributions flowing. “Even the honorable senator’s grand kids don’t trust him and he sees no need to bequeath a healthy planet to them.”

In accordance with the status quo Noise keeps getting reelected by stirring up racial distrust (in Wyoming?), dressing up like a cowboy and beating the Bible. Although these diversions have worked well in the past many rural voters are better informed today and keener on combating the negative affects of air pollution on the planet.

“A lot of these big oil puppets are linked to big pharmacy and big agriculture working like mad trying to grab every last cent of dirty money before the bottom falls out,” said the above source. “They are the swamp. I can’t wait to see them try to spend their fortunes from a prison cell.”

“There are no environmentalists in heaven,” said Noise. “Wind and solar are the work of the devil,” he stressed, fingering the Constitution. “It should be clear to all patriotic Americans that God wants us to drill.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Nature Conservancy To Purchase Africa

(Sawpit) In an attempt to reinvent Africa local environmentalists have announced the purchase of the dark continent. The closing took place in Nairobi this morning.

“We figured this is the only way to save the continent, plagued by disease, starvation and almost constant warfare,” said Muffy Hollandaise of the Nature Conservancy. “If Africans would only adopt our way of life they might be able to turn things around.”

Hollandaise, who admitted her knowledge of Africa was based on Tarzan movies, expressed surprise and muffled denial when it was suggested that most problems originated with European colonization in the latter 19th Century. The new landlords quickly began exploiting the vast mineral wealth and restructuring national boundaries based not on tribal considerations but rather to fit their own white agenda.

Some colonizers were inhumane. Most were harsh. None were benevolent

“We wanted to save the elephants and the rhinos from poachers, not to mention the mountain gorillas from the valley guerrillas,” added Hollandaise. “Many of the species there are endangered much like the African-American population on Colorado Avenue.”

The madness there today can be traced to that period of colonialism when that world was turned upside down. It is hoped that the purchase will allow residents there time to reflect on how better to employ resources, feed people and hammer out a lasting peace.

The price tag for the world’s second largest continent was not disclosed but one Placerville realtor, Hector Dusseldorf, told The Horseshoe that the commission “was substantial”.

-Uncle Pahgre

“Yerra mister, I wouldn’t start from here. Why don’t you go somewhere else before you try to get where your going.”

– common reply in Western Ireland when people ask for directions.