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Solar Cars Even A Moron Can Fix

Just open the hood and line up the Styrofoam-laced engine block with the joystick interface (See handy operator’s guide) and you’re halfway home. Then adjust for sunrise and sunset. Be sure your digital hair-brain is engaged and is set on the correct day of your monthly preventative maintenance or the cusp of your mechanical nightmare.

And you won’t need metric tools! No wrenches, no hammer and certainly no messy oil and gas. Just let the sunshine in, drop the pedal to the metal and proceed to your next destination in style.

Then look for the carburetor. There isn’t one. Nor is there a catalytic convertor, fuel injection or even a radiator! All you have under the hood is a solar collector, three industrial rubber bands and a small fan. First: Go to the solar bank (on the left side of the windshield wiper fluid container on most models) and check to see if there is enough sunlight stored to start the mobility process. Second: Check air in tires. Third: Adjust seat and windows.

Parking your solar car in the sun will charge the batteries faster than any other method. Usually exposure (with sunscreen) for three hours will net the driver 400 miles on uninterrupted travel.

On cloudy days, just stay home and work in the garden.

For a full disclosure with mounds of advice and mindless comment go to the Solar Cars chapter in “Origami Pursuits” and enter your password. Engine audio noises, screeching tires, diesel clouds and revving sounds sold under other wrapper.

– Alfalfa Romero

“(Our current government)…enjoys transferring wealth upward by subsidizing affluent individuals and large economic entities.” – George Will, Washington Post

China Cuts Off Chicken Feet

(San Francisco) China will suspend all exports of chicken feet until the spring it was announced this morning. Despite a seemingly cordial exchange during President Trump’s scheduled visit there, fiscal commentators fear the worst.

“He must have said or done something to piss them off,” said a news anchor at National Public Radio.

“The president got tough behind the scenes for a change and forced China to regulate trade deficits,” said a token colored analyst at FOX News. “How could he have offended them? He doesn’t even speak Chinese.”

In a tedious exchange, blending Pol Potesque social order with a menu of 16th Century Machiavellian personality disorders, China has agreed to accept 3 megatons of campaign litter from the United States if the Trump Administration will simply sit down to a formal kimchee dinner summit in Pyongyang.

The White House, which has reportedly denied already asking what dish it can bring to the talks, has promised a decision on this newest development by the weekend or maybe in 2020.

The Chinese prefer to use campaign litter, written in English, in their little ovens that churn out billions of inessential plastic objects for export.

“We only want fresh propaganda. We don’t want workers loafing around reading about Walter Mondale or Bob Dole when they are supposed to be making plastic,” said one factory supervisor through an interpreter.

-Ripple Van Winkle

IN DEFENSE OF THE MOUNTAIN LION

by Rex Montaleone and Pauline Parvenu

Now, let’s see…magpies, malls, misappropriations, moon pies, mountain lions…ah…mountain lions…much maligned mountain lions…These proud cats of the Rockies have been the victim of bad press for centuries even carrying a stiff bounty on their heads until recent years. The adult cat, known as a puma, panther, cougar, catamount or El Leon in other parts of the Western Hemisphere may be either a gray color or a reddish or yellowish color called tawny. Its hairs are fawn-gray tipped with reddish-brown or grayish. He has no spots and in this way is different from his cousin the jaguar. The throat, the insides of the legs and the belly are white, and the tip of the tail is black. Some mountain lions are solid black but they are quite rare in the Southern Rockies.

Despite years of bad publicity there is no conclusive proof that the graceful mountain lion is a threat to livestock, unless of course he is hungry.

A full-grown animal may be over five feet long not counting the heavy tail that is usually two to three feet long. The heaviest lion on record weighs in at about 250 pounds. The body is slender and the legs are long. The head is round and rather small. As one can quite well imagine the mountain lion is a formidable foe on physical prowess alone. Combine his high intelligence and sly, methodical nature and any adversary, even a badger or wolverine, could have a major donnybrook on his hands.

Mountain lions have from one to five cubs at a time, which can be very taxing for the female. If a hiker comes across a female lion with cubs the best approach is to wave his arms and make noise. You will then appear larger and fiercer. If this doesn’t work you might try running like hell even though the lion will probably see that as a sign of fear and attack immediately. One good idea is to bring along an ample supply of raw meat in your backpack that could serve as a diversion in a tight spot. Mountain lions are generally timid when in the proximity of man and are less likely to attack than other cats such as the smaller lynx or bobcat.

Although mountain lions go to great lengths to avoid contact with man the population has grown steadily since the animal has been protected. Most Western states have a season on the lions but they are severely restricted. More cats are killed attempting to rustle livestock than are shot during bow and rifle season combined.

The cry of the mountain lion is wild and terrifying. It sounds like a woman screaming in pain. The animal also has a soft whistle call that can be quite unnerving to potential prey. Mountain lions hunt at night. Its chief prey are deer, followed by elk. On special occasions it kills a bighorn and if hungry enough will feed on small mammals, rodents, even skunks and porcupines. The cat generally keeps under cover while stalking its prey then suddenly leaps upon the animal breaking its neck and dragging it to the ground. Unfortunately most herd animals, including domestic ones, don’t have access to all this information or they certainly wouldn’t go out after dark.

Imagine living life as a sheep, in the strictly literal sense. You have just finished grazing on the side of a hill and are set for some shut-eye. The shepherd is already asleep and the moon is full. Off in the distance you hear a shrill cry. The rest of the herd is tense. In the shadows you can see the silhouette of the predator, creeping his way toward your flock. What is he after? Surely the shepherd will protect his sheep. Wait! He’s looking right at you! No, this just can’t be. You’re too young to die plus you’re scheduled for shearing on Monday! Look at those biceps. Oh no. It’s too late. He’s stepped up his pace. His claws are extended. He’s in the air. He’s got you…

How often do you think this bloody scenario occurs over the summer season when the woolies are up high and the mountain lion has expanded its hunting radius? Every night? Once a week? Once a month? Wrong! There are far more sheep killed on the highways than by the cats. Everyone, especially the crafty mountain lion knows that elk and venison are way better tasting than mutton. Lions who engage in this kind of roguishness are usually too old to catch anything else and are badly in need of a snack.

The mountain lion is an extremely social animal and lives in a den with its family, or pride until the young cubs are old enough to hunt for their own food. Actually observing a mountain lion in the wild can be a thrilling experience depending on your ranking on the food chain.

The human reaction to mountain lion forays is to mount a hunting party or posse and go out after the lion. This generally results in a lot of senseless wandering around the hills at night with whiskey and loaded rifles. Which lion is to blame for the crime? Can these trackers distinguish between a lion who was home in bed at the time of the infraction and the feline rascal who raided the herd? It’s not likely. Therefore it’s the old solution of an eye for an eye and the only accomplishment is often one less lion and no increased security for the sheep. One of our neighbors placed a series of spotlights around her corrals in an attempt to discourage further onslaughts but the mountain lion in attendance simply used the light to scope out the fattest prize and then dined by simulated candlelight.

Animal behaviorists stop short of suggesting that the mountain lions should police themselves regarding this grave matter. However, that is not a valid approach to the conflict. Many ranchers have employed llamas, dogs and high fences in an attempt to spare sheep a gruesome death but the cats are just too smart and too powerful. The core of the problem is simple enough: a herd of sheep is clearly defined as lunch buffet by mountain lions.

The cats sometimes kill calves and young horses. The largest variety of mountain lion has been given the scientific tag hippolestes, which translates as horse killer. This is a heartless misconception as more horses die each year of jockey abuse and rattlesnake bites than from lion attacks. Nobody calls the rattlesnake hippolestes. This, like most other things evolving from the human factor, is not fair.

As the mountain lion population increases so do these scrapes with the law. Efforts to pay the ranchers for losses have not worked. A plan to designate certain low grade sheep and cattle as official mountain lion cuisine has never gotten off the ground nor have the construction of mine fields since sheep are way dumber than most wild predators.

Mountain lions do a lot of good when left to their methods. Many have helped control the poodle population even on redwood decks of our Front Range sprawl. That takes some guts all right! Unlike bears, lions aren’t proficient dumpster divers, unlike coyotes they won’t keep a camper up all night and unlike deer they do not loiter on the highways at dusk and dawn.

Probably the most important contribution of the big cat is his inherent wildness. At a point where man is polluting his planet and manufacturing stress upon more stress, the presence of a beast like the mountain lion succeeds in giving us hope. Long after our species (and its livestock dependents) has burned itself out, the mountain lion will still be prowling these forests looking for a hot meal.

-Kevin Haley

Earth is sole planet says VP

(Cheyenne de Vaquero) Vice President Mike Pence told a group of intergalactic oil drillers here that earth was indeed the only planet in the solar system and that their efforts at oil extraction in outer space were good for America.

Saying, “One of our Secretaries of State told me,” Pence went on to discount earlier findings that the solar system was crammed with heavenly bodies.

“Show me one place in the Bible where they talk about Mars or Martians invading the earth,” said Pence to a chorus of laughter. He quickly turned serious then added that with the Martian threat gone the administration could now focus wholeheartedly on the War on Terror. Silence.

The Hoosier, an Indian word hoosa for corn, denied allegations that his comments reflected a conflict of interest due to his presence on the government dole masked as civil service. Frowns.

“Back when I was at the helm of Indiana we were subjected to the same kind of harassment by narrow-minded people who think the earth was created to be preserved. What nonsense. I don’t remember reading about any environmentalists crossing the Red Sea or fighting with the Philistines.”

Again the Vice President got a throng of guffaws, mixed with tearful laughter.

When asked about Martian landings by unmanned spaceships and an assortment of high tech photos that have been collected over the past five years Pence said that he could not answer in that the activity in question was a matter of national security.

“I’ll say this: He smiled. “If I was a passenger on a United Airlines Flight to Disney World I’d be far and away more comfortable with Donald Trump in the cockpit than I would with these Democratic pretenders to the throne at the wheel.”

– Sergio Jingle

Mosquito Luncheon Planned for Grand Mesa

(Ward Lake) An annual mosquito luncheon, sponsored by the Colorado Mosquito Legions, will be held Saturday, October 12 from 10 am to 3 pm on Grand Mesa. Mosquitos from all over the state are expected to be in attendance. Following a brief welcome picnic a host of parasitic field games will be held in the afternoon with a showing of the film Count Dracula in the evening under the stars.

“It was a successful summer and we’re here to let our hair down and reflect,” said Myrna Bloode, a longtime standout in the parasite arena.

According to one organizer the luncheon will most likely stretch into the dinner hour with lots of buzzing and munching going on. Out-of-state mosquitos needing directions or transportation should call the CML by July 21. Interested humans are encouraged to attend and need not bring anything but themselves.

– Blanco du Sangre

BUS ENTHUSIASTS FORM CLUB

(Gunnison) Local bus enthusiasts have organized the nation’s first bus club here according to a press release received this morning. The club, founded for promotion and preservation of bus-related culture, will attempt to educate the public while it combats common misgivings about this kind of travel.

In addition the club will be responsible for recording bus lingo and chronicling history of buses in the Western Slope region. Slide shows on the most recent technology and hints on making left turns will be presented each Friday night at the historic ruins of the LaVeta Hotel on South Boulevard Street.

“We’ll be taking field trips to local fields and meeting the bus when it arrives on its daily trek from Pueblo and points beyond,” said Ralph Cramdenot of Almont. “Why just the other day we had a bus right here in Gunnison that came all the way from Kansas City. Small world, heh?”

Members feel that the public will gain new perspectives into bus travel through the efforts described here.

“With the Congress dragging its feet on passing gas bills we could all soon be riding the bus,” smiled Cramdenot, “We’re here to educate. There’s nothing worse than a rookie holding up the line looking for change or asking the driver stupid questions.”

– Paula Parvenue