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COLORADO MAY RAISE LEGAL DRINKING AGE TO 55

(Denver) “Sorry but you don’t look a day over 50. I’ll have to see some ID.” Silly as it may seem that could be familiar chant if HB 4559-K passes next week, heralding in a new relationship between Puritanism and alcohol consumption for most Coloradans. The bill, called extreme by detractors, requires that a person be at least 55 years of age to buy beer, wine or spirits.

Sponsors of the bill, including firebrand Rep. Oral Noise says the concept is solid and will benefit everyone by introducing the concept of maturity to the drinking table.

“Everyone agrees that alcohol creates the breakdown social order when abused,” explained Noise, who reportedly consumed up to three quarts of flavored vodka per day for 40 years before getting on the temperance wagon in March of this year. “And who among us does not have sinful tendencies when moderation is questioned. This bill defines the legal side of the question. Let the sociologists fight for the thirsty masses.”

When asked about the failures inherent to Prohibition and the War on Drugs Noise told a semi-coherent audience here that these were good programs that were subverted by immoral values and weakness.

“I don’t care about the scientific statistics. All I know is that if booze was harder to buy there would be fewer people imbibing,” he offered. “Here on Colorado they all have mounds of cannabis and lord knows, bags of magic mushrooms. Why, pray tell, do they need fire water with which to wash it down? On my hope of heaven, I had to act and I am proud of my efforts,” he trembled.

Alluding to the continued presence of drunks on the highways Noise blamed the crude availability of alcohol that works like a woodworm on the brain. By the time people reach 55 they are either too tired or disinterested to create problems for others by their drinking.

Noise says 55 is appropriate since it matches what was once the national speed limit and is easy to remember. In addition he says 55 is a rounded number that can be quickly identified by even that quasi-interested, somewhat doltish liquor clerk.

“We have yet to see conclusive numbers indicating the arrests by the police on our highways has improved the situation,” continued Noise, now accompanied by a full orchestra pumping out a 1930’s German ditty. “If they were successful in the attempts to keep drinks off the road they would have installed billboards all over hell praising themselves for serving and protecting.”

The liquor industry has poured millions into a campaign to defeat the bill saying that its passage would only succeed in creating a population of criminals and that it would destroy the livelihood of millions worldwide.

“No one is in favor of drunks on the road but this crackdown is about money and little else. People will do what it takes to escape the hum-drum that often exists in daily life,” said one opponent of the measure. “Draconian legislation such as this implies that it is the drink itself that threatens the social system when we all know it is the abusive drinker.”

Many of the state’s residents have already are plans to immigrate to Utah where liquor laws are more liberal, if the bill passes the Senate.

– Fred Zeppelin

’98 class reunion canceled

(Gunnison) A reunion of the class of 1898 has been canceled since all potential participants are no longer among the living. After repeated attempts to contact persons believed to have attended Gunnison High School during that period the organizers have given up.

“All we had to go on was a tattered list and a few songs and myths that have survived over the decades,” said one exhausted volunteer. “Although they had a written language and a slew of newspapers back in those days the information we sought was remote at best.”

Persons who might have graduated in 1898 would most likely have been born around 1880 that would make them 139 years old today.

“We found a few people in their early 100s but nobody any older,” said the same source. “It was a good idea in concept but in reality it fell quite short of the goal.”

The group has now focused on creating a class reunion for persons attending Gunnison High School from 1940-1970.

“We’ve located lots of these people still kicking around and have talked to some about attending our function,” said the volunteer. “The 1898 reunion would have been rather slow anyway. Sure, people are living longer these days but we were pushing the envelope.”

“Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.”

– Oscar Wilde

NEW READER SURVEY AND RESULTS

Solicited response from real people who have little to do

and even less to think about during the day.

Should Daylight Shavings time be on the Official 2020 Election Ballot?

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Please vote now while we still have a white majority.

BONUS QUESTION (Members only please)

Complete the sentence: If Al Gore had won in 2000…

Last month’s question: What is the opposite of Snowflake*?

63% said Slush; 19% said Acid Rain; 10% said Hail. 6% said Overweight, under-educated, xenophobic, frightened, gun-toting, homophobic, quasi-religious bigot. 2% had no opinion despite the fact that they are full-time residents on the planet.

*Term applied to progressives by throwbacks.

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15 seconds on fame on St. Stephen’s Green

Barman adjusts the Horseshoe masthead in the Horseshoe Bar at the Shelbourne Hotel in Dublin, Eire. Although the website display was limited to fifteen seconds some ladies from Usher’s Quay said they liked it. (Photo by Peter Kron)

Exhibitionist Falls From Bridge

(Manana, CO) A man seen exposing himself to motorists passing below has fallen from the Gabby Haze Memorial Bridge here.

More than 100 drivers observed the alleged misdeed during commuter rush hour Thursday. According to one eye witness the unnamed perpetrator was there one minute and gone the next. The distance of the fall was estimated at 26 feet.

“Out of nowhere a strong gusty wind came up and swooped the pervert off the bridge using him to crash on to the asphalt below, “ said Shirley Trench-Coate of Wimpton. “The whole deal was creepy but then a mindful wind finished the job.”

The suspect was cheated and released at St Roscoe’s Hospital and is in the slammer here. A trail date is set for August. Bail was denied.

(In keeping with editorial policies at the Horseshoe no one actually dies in these silly stories. The editorial staff did file to make an exception in this case. Response is pending).

WEST CORK, WEST SLOPE SIGN WEATHER ACCORD

(Montrose) County governments in Cork, Ireland and Montrose, Colorado have agreed in principle to exchange excess weather. In short, the Irish region would receive 10 more days of sun in trade for 10 more days of rain for the Rocky Mountain area.

A test run and other logistics are yet to be worked out but everyone involved seems optimistic regarding the innovative switch. Mutual benefits were noted while hiccups spelled out in last night’s meeting held in Brussels, for no apparent reason.

“Many could argue that West Cork gets an abundance of rain while Western Colorado continually flirts with drought,” said Mary O’Shaughnessy of Glandore.

“We could use a little more moisture around here while a few lost days of sun might be seen as a relief to our parched populace,” said Paddy O’Hurley, of Kinikin Heights.

Further weather exchanges may be in the works for such distinct climate zones as Russia and Alabama as well as Colombia and Indonesia. Some say this cooperation will lead to better diplomatic ties and understanding of other cultures.

This private agreement between two sovereign regions is in no way an attempt to undress monster weather patterns of the past few years.

“The extreme weather indicates that we are perched on an angry planet about to shake off its many fleas,” quipped Shaughnessy in Hiberno-English. “We are not here to hold back the flood just to make it a bit more pleasant while we await the paybacks of bad resource management.”

– Fred Zeppelin