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TV Doctors Isolate Comparative Gene

(Hollywood) Television doctors here have successfully isolated what some are calling the Lowest Common Denominator Gene. The illusive unit of heredity has been linked to general comprehension sways and positive sense of place in a shifting landscape.

Persons engaged in chronic television rituals such as electronic marathons and the embrace of local news programs often populate the sterile hallways of the quantum test cases transferred from easy chair to viewer. This control group has been the subject of much discussion since the inception of the intrusive medium in the early 50s.

“We have found that people who have no access to television are smarter and more qualified to survive than those who ingest the pablum of the airwaves,” said a researcher. “In short, many groups seen as primitive engage in more valid pursuits than those who stare at and respond to insipid movements inside the idiot box.”

While many social scientists agree with this perception, at least in theory, some are hesitant to condemn the entire industry without further cross-examination.

They conclude that genes make up a distinct sequence of nucleotides forming part of a chromosome, the order of which determines the order of monomers in a polypeptide or nucleic acid molecule which a cell (or virus) may synthesize.

The TV doctor team that created the breakthrough

This represents significant shift from the days when a television was a substantial piece of furniture with a tiny black and white screen. In the age of flat screens and bad public schools a majority recommends no more than 23 hours of television per day (not counting bathroom breaks and quality time with pets).

In preternatural observation the habitual TV enthusiast cannot tell the difference between real physicians and actors playing them on the tube.

“They all have white coats, clean hands and that air about them that makes it all but impossible to differentiate,” said the researcher, clutching a handful of opiates. “Even though most of it is voodoo there are distinct patterns developing that threaten to destroy the trust most have in the medical profession”

What remains as the quintessential question: Does one want to live life or watch it float mindlessly by, bookended by bad writing and violence.

“What we accept on TV generally conflicts with the basic food, clothing and shelter syndrome that dictates fear levels and morality,” continued our source, “It’s just another eternal balancing act with no net.”

– Gabby Haze 

CONGRESS TO VOTE ON 25-HOUR DAY

(Washington) The U.S. House of Reprehensibles has scheduled a vote on whether to add an hour to each day of the week. Despite the obvious inconveniences, a majority of the legislators seem to think the bill will become law this week.

“If passed the new bill would be even sillier than Daylight Savings Time, clean shave campaigning and the electoral process all rolled into one,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “If I didn’t hear the proposal with my own ears I’d have said it was a bad joke.”

Noise told The Horseshoe that increasing the hours in a day was nothing more than a smokescreen thrown up by members of Congress accused of ethics violations. He said it was an attempt to conceal questionable behavior by keeping the public off balance.

“If people don’t know what day it is they are less likely to notice our shenanigans,” he smiled.

Noise is currently under investigation on some 300 ethics charges which allegedly include the sale of weapons before breakfast, illegally dumping household trash in the Congressional dumpster and leaving the seat up in a unisex latrine at the White House. He is expected to plead no lo contesto sometime next week.

“If all the senators and representatives who are under the gun with regards to ethics violations vote for the 25-hour day you’d better buy a new calendar,” quipped Noise. “I myself prefer the hour glass which doesn’t require a battery or winding. All one has to do is turn the thing over and he automatically buys himself a little more time. That’s how government works.”

The Congress, only in session for about three months per year due to rampant absenteeism, trips to the bank and campaigning, The legislative body will also decide on other issues such as the validity of eclectric cars, a new logo for Supreme Court judge’s costumes, what to buy for Billy Joel’s new baby and whether the presence of women behind the wheel of a car in Saudi Arabia will drive up the price of crude oil.

 “Then we’ll have lunch,” snipped Noise.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

When we die do our passwords go with us?

Most of us, even those who fight it, are burdened with an assortment of internet passwords, many that have little clarity or purpose as to security or access. They seem to be just another embrace of the reality that tears us away from nature and forces us to become just a little more out of touch with being human. Doesn’t matter if we want them or not. They have become part of our lives just like crab grass and breakfast on the run.

Encountering breathless hyperbole of this dark nature is one thing whereas falling down the rabbit hole of mindless security is altogether different. Do we need a password to buy a loaf of bread or a new car? What if a person forgets his bathroom password or the password on his corkscrew?

Armed with pages of passwords humans are out of vogue, replaced by computer apps and robots. Futuristic predictions about chips in our foreheads are not so far fetched.

Next month: Was that saintpeterpearlygates.com? or beelzebub@hellshalfacre.org?

Trump Administration Passes Expiration Date

     An announcement this morning that the Trump Administration had dangerously passed its expiration date left staffers scurrying around and onlookers wondering. It was not clear if today was the day or if the throw away date had passed.

     “It’s clearly marked on the inside of president’s ties,” said one invertebrate Democrat. “He knew.”

     Most people agree that the doings of the current White House are just a distraction so that the rich people in this country can make more money on the backs of the poor. It seems to be working. In the Washington Post alone there were seven headlines showcased the T Word.

     Meanwhile a skimpy thong of protestors held signs reading: Do not sell after this date. It appears too early to tell if The Wall. repeal of Obamacare, tax reform, and Russian probes were enhanced by the publicity and echoes of the coming Apocalypse.

     “These have been familiar elevator tunes lurking n the background of the musical chairs performances over at the White House,” added the aforementioned Democrat. “Considering the madness about, we all might be soon surviving on whatever we can get our hands on at the time. Expiration dates mean little to the illiterate. I myself keep a full tank of gas and an overnight bag in my jet. I hear Mars is nice this time of the year.”

For related piece please turn to Congressional IQ Test Comes Back Negative

Stacking Wood For Winter May Require Building Permit

(Gunnison) If you plan to construct a wood pile for the coming winter first you might have to acquire a building permit from the city here. Stipulations as to the size of the structure and longevity of its very existence will determine the cost of such a license.

Residents are also reminded that they must own at least two lots and have utilities in place before the first piece of oak or aspen is chopped and stacked.

Although thought to be extreme by many, the new restrictions should raise nearly $5000 in revenues which will be earmarked for a Christmas party for local sanitation engineers in December. Known as the Garbageman’s Ball, the event fell out of favor with the local city council when it became apparent that 70% of the city’s population relies on garbage men rather than elected officials to get necessary information on city matters. Rumors of beer drinking at the ball further clouded the gullible public appraisal.

The council intends to follow through with this plan if it’s the last and only thing they do before the holidays, according to a source there.

“At least we’re the ones they show on TV, and not those garbage ruffians,” said one councilmember.

The weekly council meetings are shown on clothes circuit TV every Monday night, bookended by classic episodes of I Love Lucy.

Meanwhile in adjacent Crested Butte, leaders there praised themselves for restraint in this matter. In Telluride, politicos, bruised from accusations that they are far too bureaucratic for their own good, also lauded official moderation on the general subject of wood stacks.

Readers will note that both ski burgs have strict wood burning ordinances and the zones are virtually wood stack free as of press time. Anyone building wood stacks there would almost have to be doing it for the exercise.

– Rocky Flats

     

     

Regional Shorts

with Muffy Hollandaise

Use of Elk DNA chumming says DOW

(Norwood) Hunters using elk and deer DNA to aid in tracking specific animals could face up to $500 in fines says the Colorado Division of Wildlife. In addition using cow elk DNA to attract bull elk in the woods is likewise illegal.

The emergence of DNA as a legitimate tool in law enforcement in no way allows private citizens to employ the technology in their own lives adds the DOW.

“It’s basically chumming,” says Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, animal behaviorist and all around party fool who is employed by the Fish and Game this season. “It’s not fair. Everyone knows bear baiting with candy and tempting boy mountain lion with girl mountain lion urine is questionable but this DNA thing — It’s not sporting.”

Pennywhistle went on to say that hunting with the aid of deer and elk DNA is “like shooting coyotes from an airplane or ducks with a machine gun or chipmunks with hand-held missiles”.

The DOW will be checking hunters for signs of molecular detection devices of all kinds this season in addition to the normal course of checking other credentials.

 “Anyone we catch with elk DNA in their possession, without an accompanying animal, will spend the night in jail,” he warned.

Chamber to show Fall Colors

(Manana) The local chamber of commerce will present a slide show entitled Fall Colors for anyone afraid to go out in the woods this time of the year. The film will be shown every afternoon from 1:30 to 3:30 pm and is free of charge.

Highlights include aspen trees in full gold decor, oak in red (some imported)  and pine in green. Along with this spectacular sight will be blue skies and mountains dusted with early snow. Even a bear gets into the act as he chases photographer Melvin Toole down a one-way deer path near Twin Peaks.

Although the presence of hunters and international terrorists has created a sub-culture of Americans who spend 24 hours a day indoors, this slide show is for the rest of us…people like you and me who don’t have time to drive around looking at trees and bushes.

Fall Colors is available on DVD for $19.99. To order call Finn McCool over at the Manana Chamber.

Gelding Survives Lightening Strike

(Crested Butte) A six-year-old gelding is in good condition after a direct hit by a rogue bolt of lightening yesterday afternoon. The quarter horse, owned by Slim Tinkleholland of Quantum Sunset Ranch, said his charge is responding to oat therapy and seems to have regained his faculties after the traumatic exploit.

“Actually he doesn’t look any different than he usually does ,” said the rancher. “He spends almost everyday staring into space. We think he’s trying to recollect his days as a stallion when mares were fair game and all.”

Readers may recall a similar incident involving a Hereford cow last year when lightening struck her twice in the same pasture on the same afternoon. In that case the cow returned to work the next day with no measurable loss of mental capacity. The result was quite different back in 1996 when a Holstein bull was struck by lightening at the entrance to a metal barn while standing in a bucket of water holding a seven iron between his teeth. Although he survives to this day he has never been the same.

“People think cows are flat stupid,” said Tinkleholland, “and they’re right.”

Howardsville Votes Wet

(Silverton) Voters in Howardsville rushed to the polls Wednesday to cast their votes on whether to allow alcohol consumption within the town limits. The final tally: 7 for…1 against, succeeded in approving the measure which goes into effect immediately.

Almost upon cue hundreds of thirsty residents of nearby Silverton, Gladstone and Eureka descended onto the town and drank it dry in less the four hours.

“What good’s a wet district when we’re out of whiskey?” asked one old timer who voted for the measure.

Meanwhile voters in Hinsdale County have until the weekend to decide on the status of intoxicants in their neck of the woods. An amendment has been introduced calling for the termination of alcohol sales during the winter months. According to angry citizens, there the bill was first presented by a second home owner from Fort Worth who spends his winters in Sapinero, Florida..

“That flatlander drinks like a fish all summer then tries to ruin it for those of us that spend our winters here,” said Lake City native Bambi LaRue, a former Playboy centerfold model who lives alone in a plush crushed velour and marble double-wide near Lake San Cristobal.

Opponents of the dry county referendum hope that Hinsdale County will reject bluenose notions and join with locales in San Juan County who are now legally wet.

“If we all stick together we can form a voting block all across the San Juans which should in turn protect and insulate the miles of stills that currently grace Cinnamon Pass,” purred LaRue. “It’s nice to see all those thirsty people come out and do their civic duty. We certainly have deep throats in these parts.”

Poodle, eaten by bear, had just been to groomer

(Ouray) The toy poodle which was attacked and consumed by a hungry sow black bear last week had only that morning returned from an extensive grooming session. Although still in shock, the dog’s owner, Lucy Cannon, of Enid, Oklahoma told The Horseshoe that she was out walking her poodle named King along the Portland Trail when a large bear, estimated to weigh over 300 pounds jumped out from the brush, snarled, dragged the dog off and was gone.

Cannon intends to sue the Division of Wildlife for damages, hoping to recoup losses estimated to be in the neighborhood of $115.

“I spent that much having him clipped and shampooed and that doesn’t count nails and teeth,” cried Cannon. “Now I’m out my poodle and the groomer’s fees.”

Although the groomer, Fur Thee Well Paradise, a chain out of Buckeye, Arizona, did not return our calls we did speak to a ranger who patrols in that region.

“She didn’t have the dog on a leash so she was breaking the law anyway,” he said. “She’s lucky we don’t press charges. She’s damn lucky we’ve had rain and the bear have berries to eat. Last year she might have been the main course with her little dog as dessert.”

MATH TODAY

If your Uncle Sam saved $55.6 billion dollars by suspending operations in the wake of a flurry of hurricanes last month what tax cuts could be enjoyed by the already wealthy among us? How much could the rich then save if Puerto Rico or St. John experienced a tropical storm once a month? What about twice a month?

Write answer on a photo of Mike Pence and promptly discard.

Thanks for playing MATH TODAY