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Baby Eats Software, Grandparents Held

Grandparents in hiding after software malfunction

(Montrose) a 2-year-old toddler who ate a large quantity of computer software Monday while visiting his grandparents, has been released from St Roscoe’s For Profit Hospital this morning.

Doctors say the child will be fine. They prescribed an assortment of drugs and suggested a change of diet. A minor surgical application removed the alien programs and replaced it with healthy data. No viruses were reported.

It was not clear if the grandparents would be charged with negligence or complicity in that they were asleep at the time of the alleged incident. All have been in seclusion since the weekend. It is not known if the parents were on the premises when the incident went down. Police are investigating.

All responsible parties are warned to keep software in a secure child-proof location.

Hot dog contest champion explodes

(Mañana) A Maher man, Rufus Maxwell, 95, has exploded after eating 87 hot dogs in under 40 minutes during a Myopic County Fair contest. The feat represents 3 dogs shy of the existing record established in 2010.

The annual exposition had not seen anything like this before, unless one counts the high-wire, two-headed chicken act from Uravan that brought down the house in 1952. Then, of course, there were the full-contact digital quilting clashes on the cliffs high above Horsefly Canyon just last year.

None offered the drama and terminal depth of Maxwell’s sudden demise.

It all began quite innocently. A hot dog eating contest – what could be more tranquil, more American? Then, while firmly in the lead, contestant Maxwell, a Wimpton undertaker, gobbled down his 87th tube steak he puffed up, blasted off and dropped dead right in front of grandma and the kiddies who had come to watch the festivities.

“He didn’t choke or nothing. We think he just filled up and detonated,” said Arlo Kasket, Assistant Coroner from over in Pinkyville. “Rufus never weighed more than 135 pounds even after winning the pie eating bout in 2017.”

Others finishing the ingestion match were Julianne Pettifogger, the first woman to swim from Utah to California; Cuerdo Gordo, a decorated bait trimmer from LaSal Junction and the timeless “Patron” Manual Flushe, who raises thoroughbred vienna sausages on his palm-laden manor near Colona.

Judges will conduct a secret lottery to determine who would be declared winner on the night before Maxwell’s funeral.

Onlookers agreed that the enduring struggle with hot dogs was reminiscent of Paul Newman’s predicament in Cool Hand Luke (arguably the best film ever made),

where the hero bragged that he “could eat 80 eggs”.

The upcoming Mañana County Fair, slated for Labor Day Weekend, will feature an alternative vegetarian hot dog eating contest and solar barrel races in honor of the deceased.

Myopic County officials were virtually impossible to reach after the incident. Local scuttlebutt strongly suggests they are attempting to minimize collateral damage to the seasonal carnival which brings in over 4.5 billion dollars to the local economy each August.

Did you know…?

For centuries a term of endearment, Toots (or Tuts, even Tutz in the old Sicilian) was blacklisted as “politically incorrect and offensive” in 2018 for alleged sexist innuendo.

Despite the rejection, the term is still in use in poly-ethnic/geographical pockets, most notably from New York to Boston and in noted Gumba enclaves of Greater Los Angeles.

Next Month: Whadayanuts? – is this word really only two syllables?

Saguache, Uncompahgre isolated in alien codebook

The Four Corners Department of Spacemen and Strange Visitors has issued a warning for Saguache County and the Uncompahgre Valley after intercepting coded messages from outer space. The hacked correspondence references these specific places in Colorado seemingly using them as poles, landing zones or even assault points.

“We are no more than Belgium in 1914 and 1940,” dramatized a bitter Lake City resident. Our two arrogant neighbors get all the press and we sit here with more landing zones than a three-legged sky diver.”

The decoded message has emerged as a coherent document from a crowded agenda of infantile babbling to power point plotting to jigsaw cross-referencing over the past 10 years. The clear reference to more remote locales on the planet suggests that potential visits from space personnel are not far off.

“Maybe they can make some sense of this mess,” said a Saguache cattleman. “Even the cows don’t know what’s expected of them and that isn’t much,” he spat.

– Dolores Felicidad

Bad roads lead to denture damage

Washboards, bar ditches and chuckholes are often devastating to a set of store teeth according to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, of the Fourth Republic Dental Junta in Mañana.

“All the flossing in the world cannot change ugly.” – Dr Efram Pennywhistle DFD, LSD, LSMFT

“Just once over a rough landscape masquerading as a roadway is enough to do damage, but a regular diet banging and vibration can be the undoing of dentures altogether,” said Pennywhistle, “if not to mention grinding, clenching and the popular biblical gnashing on drop-offs and tight curves.”

When asked if humans faced the same predicaments with their original bicuspids Pennywhistle retorted angrily, “I only do dentures. I don’t know anything about real teeth but I can’t imagine it helping them.”

The doctor, who claims to have 57 different teeth in his head, suggested wearing a mouth guard and/or simply staying on pavement.

“The dust is nobody’s sweetheart either,” he flinched. A mouth full of dirt tends to yellow the dentures and cause gums to become puffy, enhancing the perception that the wearer needs immediate medical attention.”

– Pepper Salte


In a departure from our rigid policy of ignoring those currently residing in the White House we present a recap of recent aggression and sociopathic behavior there.

Trump Nominates Self For Supreme Quart

In an attempt to create what he describes as continued job securiy in the federal government president Donald Trump today nominated Donald Trump for the vacant seat on the Supreme Court. “Think of the deals I can make from the high seat,” he smiled. “I look terrific in black.” Close aides showed their loyalty to this flim-flam chief executive by enthusiastically backing his choice. Rumors circulating Pennsylvania Avenue say he hopes to have a planet named after him before leaving the post.

Trump backtracks on golf lessons for refugee children

(Key Lardass) Despite promises to teach every detained Latin child the insides of golf, Donald Trump has now rescinded the offer saying none of them had clubs or shoes. Even their parents (many who have not seen their kids for weeks) have proper golfing gear. Initially the president would have been joined by daughter, Ivanka and son-in-law Jared Kushner but they have been scratched off the members list…persona non grata to a two-faced father.

“The President fears that the two will be in jail and prefers his heralded go-it-alone posture on the links,” said one spineless Republican, who demanded anonymity. “I’ve got to give it to him: Anyone who can play that much golf and still run the country has my blessing. Heck, even Ike didn’t accomplish that feat.”

In what may be a related link the White House has yet to confirm that Donald Trump would caddie for Vladimir Putin if the latter visits the US this fall.

Panic in Chinatown

(San Francisco) The impact of the much publicized trade war has caused erratic behavior here as the price of egg rolls had tripled. In the rest of the country: Bud Lite will soon cost $35 for a 12-pack, and NASCAR tickets will cost 60% more. “Make America Great” caps (made in China) will be out of the reach of most Trump supporters who will be the first to suffer from the imposed tariffs. Big Macs are expected to follow suit with burger heads paying up to $15 for their non-nutritional fix.

Guns and ammo prices will stabilize since they are currently made in the U.S. That too may change if the companies flee the country to stay in the black. Harley-Davidson manuals will be printed in French and German only as the company relocates to Europe due to tariffs on imported steel.

“We’re holding out own for our supportive base,” said White House Mess Secretary, Sarah Serra Huckleberry.

A hurriedly hatched billion-dollar federal program to bail out soybean farmers after prices crashed has been lambasted from every side and, according to financial experts “shows no understanding of high school economics which may appeal to Trump loyalists.”

Late last night a tweet from the White House said “Only losers eat soybeans.”

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him.

It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

Some insects, like flies, give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient most insects, leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet.

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: “Accelerated growth in spring – watching them die in the fall.” Don’t miss it!