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Lukewarm Reception Greets Biblical Cliff Notes

The recently leased Cliff Notes on The Bible could allow easier, immediate access to the scriptures for the untrained and semi-literate. It could also encourage cherry picking and one-upmanship say detractors.

Now, rather than plowing through the Old Testament to locate supporting passages, the quasi-evangelist can scan the outlined forms and go right to the source. Later, after arming himself with the treasures of the ages, he can go back and study in context and form conclusions.

“We have enough strip mall reverends and mega money preachers already,” said Joshua Leviticus, a theological historian who managed the initial editing of the Bible, Guru Grath Sahib, Avesta, The Vedas, Torah, Tripitaka, The Book of Mormon, The Quran, and The Agamas.

“Nobody really knows who wrote all of these books, all of which contain heavy dogma and preferred methods of control,” he continued. “Most are stories about people and survival. Where the divine comes in is anyone’s appraisal.”

Saint Cliff’s Notes and the King Donald editions offer an extended index but few shortcuts to salvation while other pretenders rely on exclusivity, fear and distrust. Along with flag waving and xenophobia, adherence to these beliefs often leads to violence.

“Blind faith, a major component of all of these creeds, is no more than substitute for morality and love of fellow man,” added Leviticus. “It can be a dangerous thing in the hands of the less than trustworthy.

“You can tell me about atheists in fox holes and I can tell you that you don’t see pagans blowing up churches, synagogues and mosques.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Trump hit by pitch

(Washington) President Trump, appearing at the plate at a Congressional softball match, was struck in the forehead by a wayward pitch last night and is recovering in the Green Room at the White House. He reportedly has the blues and doctors are giving him reds.

His decision not to wear a batting helmet was lauded by his quasi-macho base. They still think he’s tough. Trump has been hit in the stomach several times in softball matches since his election but never in the noggin. Trump refuses to wear elbow pads, batting gloves or knee pads (even around Putin). He normally employs  glove but can not catch worth a damn according leaks pouring forth from the keystone.

“He didn’t even try to get out of the way of the ball,” said the catcher for the Democrat squad. “He just stuck out his head and collided with the ball.”

Trump is currently batting .125 in intellectual circles while leading the league in stolen dreams and unfounded bravado. He is most likely bound for the minors although injuries to starters may dictate a different scenario in 2020.

In a related development the Topps Baseball card company say it will terminate the Donald Trump card since no one collects them. Experts say the data on the back of the card is all lies.

– Dolores Alegria

Attractive female arm wrestler needed to sell ads for Horseshoe website in Durango and Telluride. Good pay. sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net

Police Brace for Super Moon

The first known Super Moon is slated for September 20 in front of 1800 Pennsylvania Ave. Some 7000 people will pull down their pants and aim at the White House as a sign of their distaste for “El Mentiro de La Frontera”

Catered by Capital Meats, Pressed Ham on Glass, Depends, Arlene’s Cosmetic Surgery and other elitist Washington entities the event is invitation only. Participants must be cleanly dressed, quiet and show proof of lunar ascendency.

“Vendors are welcome. Drive-by photos will not be tolerated,” compressed Wardine Culo, Executive Director for Moonlight Serenades Ltd. “No fireworks, glass or dogs will be admitted. Air cover is will only be called in if we are overrun.”

Extremists on both sides have threatened to disrupt the event, listed in the Top Ten Things to do in Washington This Week flyer. If mooner numbers are higher than Trump’s 2017 Inaugural figures a grandstand and a second shift will be added.

Anal-retentive protesters are reminded not to climb trees or attempt trespass on White House grounds during the production and when the mooning draws to a close.

Billed as The New Boxer Rebellion by media outlets in support of the Republican agenda, the Super Moon will be duplicated at each of Trump’s Casinos and golf corpses every Sunday until November of 2020.

“Mooning is socialist,” said Republican senate leaders. “It would never be tolerated in Moscow.”

In other blockbuster summer news: Yes, Jesus is coming back this summer but he’ll be staying in Canada due to gun violence in the United States. After a rally in Vancouver a two-day visit to the child holding tanks on the Mexican border will replace a previously scheduled stop at the White House.

Meanwhile many Americans still believe Richard Nixon was innocent of all counts in the Watergate Scandal of 1973, says a recent Faux Nuze poll. Of these some 21% say liberals railroaded the man, 13% don’t recognize the name and 6% think he’s still in office.

In concurrent polls: 93% of FOX viewers believe that Donald Trump (of windmill cancer fame) is Don Quixote. (82% of those pronounced the name Quicksote, had never heard of Cervantes. Of that control group more than half said La Mancha is a giant burrito at Taco Hole.)

“Jousting with those evil leftist windmills is a great diversionary tactic and the entire Trump Administration has been armed with 9-irons to do just that,” says Faux defiantly.

Then there was the blown newscast that reported ICE was defeated – They meant to say ISIS. It could happen to anyone.

And I thought The Horseshoe was stupid.

-Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole

“How to Pick Up Neanderthals”

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Neanderthals, Denisovans, Home Sapiens were mixing it up 450,000 years ago! Dolores Alegria’s infamous read: Missing Links in the Bathroom tells the reader step-by-step how to attract and maintain a meaningful relationship with all kinds of sub-per creatures. How to shave your partner’s back and how to avoid destructive domestic encounters. Potty training, limiting broken furniture and drinking from the appropriate glass are all examined. Are these early humans better in the sack or they have nicer cars? Are they bigger? What is the common shirt size or do they even wear shirts? Blending caused the Neanderthals and Denisovans to disappear, leaving us with Homo sapiens. Now it’s your option to turn back the clock with a no-nonsense reference book like this you could be dating by the weekend.

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Cannabis Grove to Vote on Softball Team Name, Logo

Changing its street name from Mañana to Yesterday isn’t the only thing that’s kept this elderly colony viral and vital. Later this week the award winning coed softball team will be faced with a nail-biting election that would determine a new team name and logo. It’s a big deal since the retirement village has fielded powerful league-leading teams since the inception of competitive athletics in the 70s.

Since January the retirees have discovered an assortment of odd names for minor league baseball teams across the country.

“The classic marijuana leaf logo and the name “Potheads was already taken by the Hallucination Farms in Loveland while another favorite Sativa Sluggers is the name of the squad fielded by the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita in Western Montrose County. Mushroom Mollies was deemed too political and evokes visions of disorder from field assignments, base stealing to bathroom breaks.

Cannabis Grove Retirement Village needed more than just a name and trademark. It needed something that said heart and soul.

 “That’s what the team means to these folks,” said Earl MacAdoo, the longtime coach here at The Grove. Most still wear spikes to breakfast and sleep with their baseball gloves and caps. These are not sunny day patriots!”

MacAdoo told players that they had about a week to decide on uniforms too since the El Paso Chichuhuas have threatened legal action over copyright infringements with the current uniform.

“The same thing has happened every time we agree on what is the appropriate message the team will project on the field,” continued MacAdoo. “That means colors, uniform design, trademarks, logos and name all wound up together, ready to take ether field. We have received threatening letters from The Wichita Wingnuts, the Akron Rubber Ducks, and The Hartford Yard Goats this week alone. One particularly angry note came from my old infield mate, ball and chainer Kid Gravy of the Montgomery Biscuits who challenged Grove fund raisers, domestic staff and our head social worker to a dual over the alleged infringement.

The Traverse City Beach Bums, the Topeka Train Robbers, the Albuquerque Isotopes and the Toledo Mud Hens said they don’t care about color conflicts and disjointed information associated with recreational franchises and hot dog sales.

“Why would we care what a bunch of old hicks in Colorado are doing?” scoffed a joint letter from an inter-league source.

MacAdoo’s jugular response was swift and cutting.

“We don’t give a tinker’s damn about trademark violations and copyrights anymore. What are they going to do? Put us in jail? We’re already in jail most of the day and night here at Cannabis Grove. Sticks and stones may break turbines but names can never hurt us,” he lashed out defiantly.

Anyone wishing to take the leap into this think tank is welcome to present names and attaches. The winner could win two seats for an Amarillo Sod Poodles game in August.

– Rocky Flats, Sports Editor

Somewhere Over the Back Fence

Ground Still Wet, Moist Says Extension Service

(Pitkin) Most public ground above 12,500 feet is still wet according to Gunnison County Extension Services. Hikers, campers and especially picnic enthusiasts should be aware of these conditions and act appropriately, planning ahead and informing friends and authorities of their whereabouts.

Campers are reminded to bring tents and sleeping materials as well as basic equipment to ward off possible discomfort. The harsh reality is, according to this press release that the present conditions could last through the weekend.

Pretty wet, often moist ground is common throughout the summer or at least until the natural draining of the Stream of Consciousness occurs in late August.

The application of simple tarps, employing folding chairs and/or using picnic tables when possible should help alleviate any potential stress. Outdoor enthusiasts are also warned to hang food up in trees, conserve ice and not to shoot rodents or carve their names on trees.

DOW TO POST NEW SIGNS

(Crested Butte) The Colorado Division of Wildlife will begin posting signs in and around the known habitats of trout and kokanee warning the fish of likely drought conditions. The brown and white USFS-looking signs will be hammered into the still-wet ground in the Elks, West Elks and in other strategic environs this summer.

Local environmentalists, who say the cautions will do no good since the fish can’t read, have threatened to filet a class action suit on the part of the fish if “the condescending and inappropriate program isn’t terminated before spawning season”.

“If one of them fish gets the message he’ll tell all the others,” said Orwell Freemango, DOW biologist and former gang member turned new age greenie and sworn naturalist.

“Progressive elements within this otherwise honkey organization think our slimy little friends should be told the truth about drought. They have grown tired of the lies. They don’t even get kickbacks from the Snatch and Release Programs anymore. If their swimmin’ holes are in danger of drying up they should be the first to know. We owe them that in spite of the fact that there is no effective response to this threat. The signs may be only symbols but they are symbols of our resolve,” stressed Freemango.

Blow to head propelled Toole

(Lake City) Recently retired scribe, Melvin Toole, credits his swift rise to fame in the news world to a blow on the head received in a bar here many years ago.

“I remember sitting there at the Log Cabin when a bar stool was hurled through the air in the direction of the men’s room. It was aimed at a man who ducked right there in front of me,” Toole explained. “Well, I was engaged in conversation and did not see the flying chair and the seat portion struck me flat-smack dead in the forehead.”

The stool knocked the hapless Toole to the floor and when he woke up some three hours later at Gunnison Hospital he began spouting headlines, captions, obituaries, press releases, news briefs, eyewitness accounts and full-length feature pieces.

“He wouldn’t shut up, but the copy was crisp, the style was original and he was first to file it!” said one of the nurses on duty that day. “But we just thought he was another reporter and we damn sure didn’t trust him.”

It would be only a month before Toole won the Werlitzer for his composition “How To Get Rid of Pack Rats”. Later that same year he was chosen to play right field for his college bowling team.

“Success measures success,” said the elderly journalist who lives on tamales, corn whiskey, and an occasional twist of Maalox. “Once it catches up to you it won’t let go.”

When asked which was his favorite award he said, “Oh I don’t know…maybe the Honorary Wichita Falls Cheerleading Squad Slumber Party Plaque…or my blue ribbon for passing audio-detectible wind at Thunder Mountain Speedway.

Readers wishing to converse with this living legend can find him at the Pea Green Rhubarb Festival where he fills in as Archie-The Human Punching Bag on Tuesdays.

“It’s a dollar a punch and a grand time for everyone especially the kiddies!” he laughed.

For a related story turn to Many al Qaeda cell phones inside U.S. on Page 40