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Ouray News Legend First Turned Down Laker Offer

(Elk Meadows) Recognized as the best player in the world by many Labrawn James penned yet another lucrative contract this week but many say he was second fiddle to a Ouray County scribe.

Confirmation that former Plaindealer publisher David Mullings had scoffed at an offer sheet from the Los Angles Lakers has leaked out through the forest up here. His rejection of a 4-year $54 million contract stunned friends and colleagues but Mullings remains unmoved by the proposal.

Clear disclosures that Mullings received the offer first have rocked the usually stable basketball hierarchy. Stark realization that Cleveland Cavalier great Labran James only signed after the journalist rejected the deal, may shed light on the future of the sport

And in the ashes of what is evolving into a bigger drama Mullings says he might opt to play bocce ball in Colombia at a fraction of the pay. His best-selling novel “Roll”, which chronicles the sport from its beginnings in Calabria, is already in its second printing.

Mullings’ agent, Rebecca Pencilskirt, a Medellin attorney told reporters in Denver that her client would be a welcome addition to any one of the city’s squads.

“He was afraid that the money would taint his way of life and put him out of touch with the common man,” said Pencilskirt, like Mullings a former Lobo.

“Sometimes windfalls hit you up the side of the head and other times they just blow by, she shrugged. “Pro bocce ball is played only on Sunday in the Antioquian Leagues which would then allow more free time for other pursuits on the field of play.

– Rocky Flats

Montrose High grads drink beer through straws

Innovative Montrose natives, Adam Thompson and Meghan Haley experiment with cutting edge drinking tools on a hot day in the nation’s capital . Good golly Miss Molly —  What will they think of next?

November, 2018

“The backlash is coming. It is the deserved consequence of minority-rule government protecting the rich over everybody else, corporations over workers, whites over nonwhites and despots over democracies. It will explode , God willing, at the ballot box and not in the streets.”

                                  Dana Milbank Columnist Washington Post

Lake City Rumor Mill Shut Down

(Capitol City) One of the last vestiges of the San Juan mining era was closed today, dislodging a chunk of the population and leaving others shocked but still quite clueless.

The termination of activities at the mill, located up Henson Creek adjacent to the Yellow Snow Mine is clearly due to erratic production, general neglect and ground pollution. According to people in ties, clipboards and white shirts from the Euphemistic Pro-Con Agency the mill presented a danger to the health and harmony of the town.

“The Environmental Protection Agency has confirmed the forced closure of the celebrated Lake City Rumor Mill,” said a source within the agency. “Tomorrow we bring in the bulldozers and dynamite. There will be hundreds, maybe thousands of us on site. Soon all traces of that pimple on the landscape will be gone.”

The former rumor mill, thought to be haunted, will become a destination spot for daredevil extreme RVers, due to landslide potential and shear cliffs on the sunny side of the mountain.

For decades the rumor mill churned out juicy stories involving everyone from the mayor to the town drunk. Attempts to pump life into the facility have been futile due to its remote status and distance from civilization. National historic distinction has done little to generate operating funds and potential wilderness status which could encourage outside funding, is still up in the air.

“I remember kissing Margaret Hatchmorrison in front of the mill in my ’54 Chevy back in 1953,” said Old Man Pritchard of the Hinsdale Pritchards. “When her daddy got wind of my intentions he chased me all the way to Spar City with a chainsaw. What time those were — Everybody in town knew the details thanks to the rumor mill which was running overtime.”

The rumor mill’s popularity as a make-out spot soon came to the attention of local law enforcement agencies who carried out countless SWAT team excursions into the area in the Sixties and Seventies.

“We were convinced there were guerrillas hiding in the tunnels out there,” said one deputy, “but all we found were a bunch of hippies and their goats.”

     Despite a sadness lingering over the town most people have accepted the closure and have gotten back to the business of talking about each other without the convenience of a local mill. Malcontents have threatened to build a “secondary gossip facility aimed at preserving chit-chat and tittle tattle.”

“Plowing over a few acres of rock will never stop the rumors from flowing,” said one resident credited with starting tattle on such hot topics as geological lake polygamy to UFO landings on the Cannibal Plateau. “After one particularly creative session we had hundreds of tourists out looking for Slumgullion’s Treasure as far south as the Weminuche when everyone here knows that the peg-legged, murdering, alpine pirate’s stash was deposited in a local snowbank back in 1979.”

According to gov’ment agencies jockeying for fetal position above town, mounds of tailings, the residue of the mill, will be hauled to the Ronald Reagan Re-Education Camp at Powderhorn. Rumor has it that it will then be spun into gold by political prisoners currently incarcerated there. But that is only a rumor at this time.

– Fred Zeppelin

Morality Dips with Summer Visitors

(Montrose) The Department of Ethics and Dogma has extended a rigid and didactic storm warning for the entire Western Slope from now until September 15. The seasonal caution comes simultaneously with the arrival of the first summer tourists to the region.

According to the warning, many of the visitors do not operate within the same moral guidelines that residents live by and therefore create problems relating to virtue and conscience.

The many diversions of the 21st Century have distorted the thinking and dictated the questionable actions of many party animals and ravers that come here looking for a good time. Those awaiting major events like floods, fires and the Second Coming have been urged to take precautions and decide where to locate during epic developments.

The official alert did not undress rumors that a former mayor, and father of 16,  had run off with a circus performer and that elements in the city council had slept with Michael Jackson.

Uruguay routes Russia 3-0 to Advance in World Cup play

Celebration after striker Edison Cavani knocked in the third and final goal against Russia giving Uruguay a 3-0 victory. The South American team did not give up a goal in the first three games of competition. Uruguay will play Portugal Saturday.