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Monsanto will distribute medical marijuana in most states

(Washington) In an attempt to get a grip on the citizen demands to legalize marijuana in more than 20 states the White House has announced a merger with the Monsanto Corporation that would clear the way for the chemical giant to sell pot. We have designated our friends over at Monsanto as exclusive agent  for cannabis production and distribution.

“We are pleased to put this controversial drug in the hands of a responsible party that sincerely cares for the health of our constituents,” said a press release found under the office door this morning.

In what is estimated to be a lucrative, billion dollar contract Monsanto agrees to grow and distribute marijuana through exiting channels and add more convenience stops as the year progresses. Whether options will be available in states where the drug is already legal is slated to be discussed Wednesday.

“We see ourselves much like the Starbucks cartel,” said a source at Monsanto, self-described champions of genetically produced crops. “People are gobbling up our fake tomatoes and high fiber rice now. We can’t wait to see the herds lining up for scientifically induced bud.

On Wall Street Monsanto has already moved to secure many satellite companies that manufacture junk food and hopes to soon dominate the Munchie Exchange with the bullish dumping of fertilizer stocks for recreational commodities.

-Fred Zeppelin



“Religion is no substitute for morality”

– Manfred Alabaster Krone

Employing the Traditional Columbium Pull-Away

Russian President Vladimir Putin meets with China’s Central Military Commission Vice Chairman Zhang Youxia at the Novo-Ogaryovo state residence outside Moscow. Employing the Traditional Columbium Pull-Away on an unsuspecting Vladimir Putin, Zhang enjoy a little chuckle. The common Latin America joke is kin to the German Schadenfreude. and the dry humor of Northwest Europe. It is however, thought to be a putdown in Russia, especially in St Petersburg, the birthplace of the Russian boss. Zhang later told reporters he learned the trick from Irish magicians, probably pirates, on the island of Providencia in the 70s. It was not immediately clear what this questionable gesture might do to Sino-Russian relations just as they were thawing out over what to do with North Korea.

Snoring Decathlon Jogs Ancient Dilemma

(Pitkin) With an approving nod to all world-class snorers arriving here this weekend, we present some background and yes, some drivel, in an attempt to educate the populace as to what goes on around them.

Cabin fever undressed! Safety nets be damned. Rattling windows and the sawing of logs will soon fill the February air.

But what of these VIP snoozers, who many experts in the field say represent the best on the planet? Are they disruptive monsters or are they visiting angels? Are they human at all? Is snoring a gentle blessing or a raging plague of nocturnal grunting? Is it a sign of ultimate relaxation or does it telltale of a respiration challenged malady?

We hope to answer a plethora of other questions while presenting well-researched data as well as calming misnomers about the peculiar sounds and contortions associated with the art*** itself.

Ed note: Do not call our offices for tickets since the entire competition is free. All events

begin at bedtime. For a digital scorecard see the tall man in the cowboy hat just outside Ohio City.

Snore Survival and Sound Sleep

The peaceful snoring man is an anomaly to many and sure, women snore too but they usually sound like a bird or a small herd animal and not a polar bear. Put a sock in it is only an expression and can bring on suffocation or worse. In the strawberry twilight of a new love affair she says “Oh I love your snoring. When you purr like that it makes me feels secure.” After a month or so it’s “Stop it or I’m going to sleep in the gate house.”

According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders until the 1950s, most people thought of sleep as a passive, dormant part of our daily lives. We now know that our brains are very active during sleep. Moreover, sleep affects our daily functioning and our physical and mental health in many ways that we are just beginning to understand.

Rip Van Winkle, who some say slept for 50 years,  didn’t miss much as far as he can remember anyway  “…what with dirt and rain and sunshine washing and drying him, he was quite the natural specimen with rodents building nests in his pants legs and shit birds living in his shaggy beard*

From -“The I Can’t Sleep Book” by Melvin Toole. Riveting sequel to both Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings and Breakfast at Stockmen’s.

Sleeper Cells – Who are you sleeping with anyway?

On average 1/3 of one’s life will be spent sleeping.

Support groups such as Sleep Walkers Anonymous undress the concept of sleep as a desired destination. Snoring is seen as a tool toward that particular goal or in rare cases a deterrent to the normal body flow that leads to sleep (especially for others). “My name is Martin and I snore. No coffee – No cigarettes – No saved. I just want to stop snoring.”

From the time your noggin hits the pillow to the crusted morning dream debris in your eyes you should be one with the mattress. There are no loud noises in the Land of Nod. There are no sudden emergencies while resting in the arms of Morpheus. Shut-eye is definitely the gateway drug to snoring.

When searching for the termination to your own particular brand of snoozes interruptus several primitive solutions come to mind. The most common is counting sheep. If you have no sheep go and get some. Livestock rustling is better after dark and, since you are awake anyway, why linger?

Between the sheets – Will making the bed end the chaos?

We are often faced with more serious issues like sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, weight gain, heart failure, stroke and even increased risk of premature death. No need for guilt – Step up to the plate. A little early morning courage has a  major impact on wrong side of the bed syndrome. Making the bed – sweeping dreams under the carpet? A sense of order after the chaos of sleeplessness? Rarely. It is just another fruitless exercise in self-denial

Fortunately most people are awake for sex. Reference to the comforts of non-sexual foreplay is no more than a pretentious bedtime for bozos. Be sure to take out dental mouthpiece apparatus with tongue straps, can the chew and turn off the television before engaging.

The sleeping chamber should be welcoming even to the head case who worries about falling asleep. Try music to sooth. A bottle of wine works for some but not every night.

Routine bed times, relaxation remedies such as yoga and meditation are invaluable. Exercise during daytime hours allows the sleeper/snorer to get on top of the situation and enjoy those magic moments before slumber advances. What one wears to bed is also a consideration. Avoid loud colors and intricate patterns on clothing. Dress down or get up! Go with simple or go with nothing at all.

Sleep can be defined as the natural periodic suspension of consciousness to restore. Snoring, although an audio demonstration of restfulness, can deprive one of deep sleep and may also be distracting to others who are trying to snooze. Oddly enough, many chronic snorers do not snore during siesta. Researchers remain puzzled as to why.

Take our little test

Define the following words:

1. nepenthean

2. soporific

3. poppied

4. comatose

Would you rather watch paint dry of catch a baseball game to fall asleep?

Multiple choice: Which of the following are beneficial to falling asleep?

1. arms to the side blood flow

2. stretch slightly then relax

3 clear head of all that might be unpleasant or demanding

4 see yourself sawing logs

5. landing a job as an air traffic controller

What is the difference between somnambulism and noctambulism?

Name 25 Hibernation techniques.

Which of the following has been proven most effective in prevention of low, guttural noises in the middle of the night?

Go for a walk on a miserable evening.

Work on a boring project.

Spend the night in a jail cell.

Spend the night in the stables or garage – comfort of own bed will be more enticing.

Duct tape your mouth to your nose.

Pray before bed, realizing that you will no doubt be saved while so many others will spend eternity in hellfire.

Further Fears

Bed wetting sounds a different alarm creating victims from the ranks of snoring – Reptile oil may actually work here but can cause victim to shed skin twice a year. (Patent filed Dec 6, 1927)

Fear of falling out of bed does not merit its own phobia. Fear of falling is listed as basophobia or acrophobia. Wear a helmet if you’re sleeping in the top bunk, employ a net and always keep a night light in reach for those pissing matches that arrive before dawn.

Hypnotism encourages mommy syndrome where someone else is telling you when to go to sleep. Blinders may help one sleep but will do nothing to alleviate snoring unless the mask is mounted on the mouth’s pallet which can be uncomfortable and highly toxic.

 *Epimenides snoozed in a Grecian cave for 57 years and that boy woke up smart. But he started telling everyone how to live, explaining the secret of life, until someone got pissed off at his pontificating and killed him. Sleeping Beauty was a virtual snoring machine until Prince Charming wiped her brow and rescued her from an eternity of drowsiness accompanied by a slight headache. Vishnu snored away the heat of South Asian nights with the help of 18 slaves with palm leaves going in a circular pattern at 12-hour stints.  Gods often do well in sleep-related scenarios.
**Famous snorers, insomniacs and people who got by on little sleep include Einstein, King Xerxes, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Saint Lucille, Mario Andretti, Damon Runyon,  Jezebel, Mickey Mantle, Aaron Burr,  Mother Cline, Molly Brown, Ambrose Bierce, Floyd Little, Maradona, Napoleon and Joan of Arc.
***slumber / industrial snoring. Surreal visions of pharaohs and funeral pyres.

Quickie Seasonal Tips

with Muffy Hollandaise

Brew sun vodka for cold winter nights

On sunny days while you’re out skiing or poaching, whip up a batch of authentic potato sun vodka just like you’d brew sun tea. It’s fast and easy and costs next to nothing. First, place two or three peeled red potatoes in a ten gallon glass jar. Cover with water and add just enough more for evaporation caused by that Colorado winter sunshine. Cover mixture with oil cloth and secure. Place in the direct sun. Allow to reach a boil. Brew hooch for eight hours, poteen for 12. For a smoother, better tasting vodka try distilling for 12 years. When friends stop by, invite them to try a ladle of fresh Colorado potato vodka. Won’t they be impressed! (Offer not good in Utah).

Help for wood floors from the unlikely tail wagger custodians

Sick of cleaning hardwood floors. Here’s a trick that removes dirt and dust and gets some work outa the dog. All it takes is a can of tennis balls (one will do if you are not in a hurry) and a slobbering pet. In my experience German Shepherds and Border Collies work best because they are more intense and will retrieve the tennis ball until they drop, no matter what. They are very engaging, silly animals which quickly extracts the likelihood of a competent work force. While the breed is not known for obsessive drooling, saliva glands, excited by the prospect of chewing a soggy tennis ball, will easily compensate for any genetic flaws. Wear gloves if you are easily offended by water at the mouth. Continue exercise for two hours and note clean floors, free of dust wads, dirt and even dog hair.

Keeping cold air out

If you are trying to maintain a warm house this winter remember: Keep cold air out. This provides comfort just as well as keeping the warm air in. Bearing this in mind ALWAYS close exterior doors and windows on cold days and always after sunset when there is no solar advantage to having them open. Screen doors are not advised. Following this simple procedure will guarantee a warmer house and lower heating bills. You will be amazed by the heat that stays in the structure by just shutting off the outside elements. This application, while effective to a fault, will not keep a house warm on its own merit. A heat source, ventilation and fuel are also necessary. We’ll talk about them next time. Bye now.

Life – What you need to know

by Pepper Salta

Many Suburbanites Plan to Live off the Land in Emergency

(Denver)  A disturbing number of suburbanites and to a lesser extent, a host of city dwellers, say they will simply live off the land if the excrement hits the air circulation device any time soon.

Almost fifty percent of Americans living in or near high population areas when polled, say they could rough it if need be while only twelve percent declared themselves ready and fit for an uncertain adventure. Of this control group more than half contend that there is really nothing to worry about. Twenty eight percent insist it is too late to be concerned while a paltry six percent say the government will save them in the event of mass chaos and its running mate, pandemonium.

Sadly none expressed concern that a large chunk of the population will also be seeking ways to survive a major disaster or that most of the farmland has been blacktopped, severely hampering efforts to grow food or raise domestic animals.

Sources in rural parts of the country, often alarmed by large crowds and mass migrations, would fare better due to proximity to food sources, water and primitive fuel.

“We could survive a siege for more than six months while our uninvited guests freeze their hungry asses,” said a former beautician from Silt.

“Living off the land sounds romantic to someone who watches television, washed his car and mows his lawn for excitement. These folks aren’t in touch with nature,” said Dr Simon Lackluster, a research fellow at Cal Polygamy, the sponsor of the survey. “What are they going to do? Pick berries? Dig for edible roots? Shoot a rabbit at the mall?”

Experts warn that a population used to nice houses, snap-finger convenience and instant access won’t last more than a few days off the land and out of their comfort zones, due to what could turn into an ugly arrangement.

“They are too far from the food sources,” continued the doctor. “Credit cards don’t usually work in cornfields.”

Although far from completed, an ongoing investigation hinges on probabilities related to the current state of the world.

“Chances for survival at a time of bedlam rely on the distinct knowledge of what was once necessary and what is still wild and a majority of us have lost connection there,” he cautioned.

– Earl “The Pearl” Macadoo


(Mars) A growing movement calling for the displacement of political refugees and the great unwashed to the outer regions of the galaxy has been stopped in its tracks due to an overwhelming response here.

The simple enough rocket maneuver, projected to take only three years to complete, is now burdened by the number of applicants for a limited number of seats on the designated spacecraft.

“We are pretty tired of all the whining and the desperation,” said one former Farmland Security official, speaking with a degree of anonymity. “These hordes arrive in masse like a flock of shit birds in the Ceiba trees. They have no wings only a hand outstretched. I can speak for the entire agency when I say we will be happy to be rid of these needy and bothersome creatures.”

According to sketchy details, more than 7 million persons have completed lengthy dossiers and posted hefty non-returnable deposits just to get on the celestial dance card. Academics had expected no more than 500,000 potential exchange students at the commencement of the relocation syllabus.   

Meanwhile those who continue to embrace the mundane and glorify stupidity have banded together with the bored again to form a powerful lobby pushing for the colonization of Venus while she’s not looking. That planet, the femme fatale of the Milky Way, has filed an official protest with the Office of Astronomy Raw Materials Intergalactic and Space Exploration (OARWSE)

Efforts to secure pillows, sheets and blankets for the voyage have faltered, leaving assorted palms up and most bungling bureaucrats with their pants down.

– Attila Diggins