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Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days

Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days

(Washington) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2018 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.

The plan, dubbed the Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.

“If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together, he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”

The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.

“Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take all of their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.

These guys took a string of earned stupid days off and spent their leisuret time chasing a herd of elk from Blue Mesa to Lake City. (Dolores Alegria Photo)

According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1972. In fact, most of the major decisions that have been made since then were formulated over the phone by top level officials who had called in stupid.

“It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rat race or a crap shoot.” 

-Dinty Moore

     

Rare Asian Termite Eating Wal-Mart

(Montrose) One of this city’s cultural delights, the Super Wal-Mart, is at risk. The culprit is a rare Chinese termite that was most likely delivered in a shipment of Chinese goods pegged for sale at the discount spot.

Despite eternal claims to the contrary, the merchandising giant that anchors the bright lights of South Townsend Avenue, sells more foreign made products than American goods. The termites reportedly eat them all without prejudice…plus the bricks, the light fixtures, the ceiling and maybe the shoppers too.

County building inspectors are hesitant to declare the store a disaster area fearing loss of tax revenue and repercussions from Wal-Mart attorneys. Insiders say the place could collapse any time citing problems with the foundation and a growing number of caverns in the cirque huge parking lot which graces the front of the complex.

Local fumigators who have isolated the termite’s position promise to have the area sealed off by tomorrow or so. A comprehensive spraying campaign is expected to rid the town of the pest but it’s probably too late for Wal-Mart. Early warnings by insect control sources were ignored by middle management and several employees who blew the whistle on the termites were suspended without pay. Some face execution.

“We just hope the spray is effective in killing these destructive intruders,” said one technician. “If not we’ll have to use nuclear weapons. We have them over in Branson.”

Termites digest wood, paper and other products containing cellulose, with the aid of protozoa in their bodies. It is not known if a high incidence of cellulite in the consumer population  attracted the pests or if the insects were just plain hungry after the 30-hour flight from Asia.

– Margot Rotweiller

Field hippies needed to monitor subsidized farms according to the Agricultural Adjustment Act of 1938.

Martian Web Site Detected

(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the renown Viking they did it from a home computer.

Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.

“What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”

The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet that has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything. When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.

“It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.

Meanwhile sources within the Caligula* Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “we believe the world to be flat.”

Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.

“We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”

Government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if it’s a hoax have taken the two boys into protective custody. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space. If you plan to travel to Mars please refer to www.statedepartment.us/travel in foreign countries for an update on safety and political climate.

*As called in the New York Times

CLUB DE FORMAS DE ENTUSIASISTAS

(Gunnison) Los entusiastas de los autobuses locales han organizado el primer club de autobuses de la nación aquí, según un comunicado de prensa recibido esta mañana. El club, fundado para la promoción y preservación de la cultura relacionada con los autobuses, intentará educar al público mientras combate las dudas comunes sobre este tipo de viajes.

Además, el club se encargará de registrar la jerga de los autobuses y la crónica de la historia de los autobuses en la región de Western Slope. Presentaciones de diapositivas sobre la tecnología más reciente y sugerencias para hacer giros a la izquierda se presentarán cada viernes por la noche en las ruinas históricas del Hotel LaVeta en South Boulevard Street.

“Haremos excursiones a los campos locales y nos encontraremos con el autobús cuando llegue en su caminata diaria desde Pueblo y puntos más allá”, dijo Ralph Cramdenot de Almont. “¿Por qué el otro día tuvimos un autobús justo aquí en Gunnison que vino desde Kansas City. Pequeño mundo, ¿eh?”

Los miembros sienten que el público obtendrá nuevas perspectivas en el viaje en autobús a través de los esfuerzos descritos aquí.

“Con el Congreso arrastrándose en la aprobación de los proyectos de ley de la gasolina, pronto todos podríamos viajar en el autobús”, sonrió Cramdenot, “Estamos aquí para educar. No hay nada peor que un novato sosteniendo la línea buscando un cambio o haciendo preguntas estúpidas al conductor “.

– Paula Parvenue

Montrose Man Talks to Potatoes

(Spring Creek UPS) Melvin R. Toole hasn’t been the same since the Spanish American War. Having been wounded and separated by his regiment at San Juan Hill, he claims to have survived three months in the jungle on a crop of rogue Irish potatoes.

“I don’t know who planted the spuds but I’d sure like to thank them,” said Toole, who withstood the ordeal as a young man of 17. “He has visited Ireland and Peru (where potatoes were first established as a crop) in search of answers.

“People just stare at me,” he whined.

Today the veteran is satisfied carrying on extended conversations with local spuds.

I can’t really call them dialogues,” said Toole. “but one never knows what’s around the next corner. I just want to find someone to thank and all eyes are on me.”

– Princess Irm Peawit

“News of a runaway sent them (The Patrol) into cheerful activity. They raided the plantations after their quarry, interrogating a host of quivering darkies. Freemen knew what was coming and hid their valuables and moaned when white men smashed their furniture and glass.”

– from The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead”

REGIONAL SNORTS

Mosquito Negotiations Break Down

(Ridgway) Negotiations between local residents and mosquitoes have been terminated due unresolved issues here. Both sides accuse the other of underhanded manipulation and distorting facts and statistics. In one of the later meetings human representatives even went so far as to swat mosquitoes just outside the conference room itself.

Calling the mosquito contingent “nothing more than bloodsuckers” one of the more vocal humans suggested “eradicating the species once and for all.

“That’s rather brutal, isn’t it,” buzzed a mosquito spokesman. “Think of all the good things we do for them. If they don’t want to share the planet they should cowboy up or just stay indoors for the summer.”

Experts say that unattended pools of stagnant water are the breeding grounds for trouble. Talks, held every summer have failed to alleviate the problem on shared existence. This is difficult when the basic priorities of each group create conflict for the other.

“There are lots of people and lots of mosquitos out there,” said a sprayed-down human from the shade. “Some will win and some will lose.”

Emperor’s New Clothes Missing From Free Box

(Telluride) As of early this morning the emperor’s new clothes are still missing here. Efforts to identify the clothing have been hampered by the weekly post-festival status of the much renowned charity closet.

“We think the clothing in question was mixed in with the clothing that had already taken up residence there, said Buffy Hollandaise of the local inquisitor’s bureau. “We are up against a very perplexing dilemma in that emperor’s clothes are difficult to see.”

Hollandaise did not comment on conjecture that there are other invisible clothes in the Free Box. When last seen she was busy e-mailing herself regarding an afternoon meeting.

Meanwhile the emperor, bare as an imperial prune, remains in semi-hiding at an undisclosthe  Pandora shed and breakfast. Faced with the choice between certain arrest for public nudity and growing fines for delinquent parking fines, he has limited his fiscal sojourns to evening and early morning. In some cases friends have dropped coins into the meters in support of his majesty and his predicament.

– Zorro DePlants