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NRA BLASTS TROPHY HUNTERS

(Montrose) The National Rack Association today condemned trophy hunters as heartless brutes who are more interested in decorating their walls than harvesting food or the romance of the hunt. The organization called on all bucks and bulls in the region to resist the temptation to fraternize with hunters of all kinds.

“It’s often an ego thing on the part of the male of the species,” explained one NRA organizer. “The animal imagines himself adorned on the wall, admired by all, but forgets that he must make some mortal sacrifices to get there.”

The NRA, a non-profit, just like the National Rifle Association, was formed in 1977 in an attempt to help herd animals deal with the annual fall stress. In its charter it clearly states that “although we find carnivores repulsive we cannot change our degrading status on the food chain. We are not naive enough to expect to end centuries of this ritual but rather we are in business to preserve the honor of our species and promote mental health within the ranks of the survivors.”

It’s simple enough, according to a former taxidermist who is now active within the NRA: “Although not an easy task most of the herd animals can deal with humans cooking them up with potatoes and carrots. It’s the mutilation for decoration mentality that the animals find offensive.”

-Gabby Haze

The Kerry Man Cannot Be Fooled!

An American balloonist took off from London and headed west over the Irish sea as planned. He passed over Dublin, then Kilkenny but when he attempted his descent he was pushed and pulled by gusty winds and sent farther west of his destination. Concerned, he made the proper adjustments but still continued to flow west. Soon, after dropping some elevation he found himself over what appeared to be County Kerry, drifting out in to the open Atlantic and big trouble.

Just as he passed over what he thought was the Dingle Peninsula he saw a Kerryman out working in his fields. As a last resort he yelled down to the man: “Excuse me sir but…but where am I?”

The man looked up, surprised and responded, “You can’t fool me. You’re up in that little basket hanging from a hot air balloon.”

Daylight Saving Time Warning

(Ouray) Colorado residents are reminded that the change from Rocky Mountain to Daylight Saving Time could seriously distort normal cocktail hours this summer.

“People engaged in that sort of thing should be aware that a small adjustment may be necessary to alleviate confusion,” said Andrea Rotweiller, of Clockmosis, a troll Pueblo public relations firm hired to promote longer days and shorter nights.

Rotweiller suggests that imbibers start earlier in the afternoon and continue later into the evening at first to get comfortable with the new time and than drop back to a comfortable, robotic level by, say July or August.

People who do not recognize happy hour or those who tend to drink all day were not undressed by the warning and should go on about their business as if nothing had happened.

“So, let me get this straight…you allow these priests, these shamans, to speak to your gods on your behalf?”
   –  Potato Angel’s question posed to the Inca upon arrival in Cusco, January, 1491. in “Greetings From The Spanish Inquisition” by Melvin Garibaldi O’Toole. Testosterone Bros., Boston.

It’s just those progressives building another stupid pyramid

“Don’t pay these pyramid-building elitists any attention. We have far more important and better things to do: Let’s sacrifice a calf to the Sun God and make Egypt great again.”

—Retraction—

The legislative seat of the Roman Catholic Church will not be moved to the site of the Polo Grounds in New York as previously reported in the November issue of the now defunct Vacant Lot Review, a cash cow milked every morning by forest nymphs. Due to logistical disagreements it will instead be moved to Milwaukee County Stadium. The relocation comes after centuries of a Vatican presence in Rome (The Eternal City and all).

According to insiders a 2000-year lease will be up in the 2025 and the owners of the real estate plan to build a massive golf course and retirement village on the spot that is now Vatican City. A fiscal shift will begin in 2006 culminating with a drastic move by the following decade. The faithful are reminded to keep sending in donations and that the collection plate waltz will not be interrupted by the relocation. It is not known how these developments will effect a Wisconsin cult set on keeping baseball in Milwaukee. We apologize for any inconvenience created by the incorrect announcement.

CONGRESS REPEALS VASELINE TAX

(Washington) Despite a threatened veto by President Trump, the Senate today repealed a controversial Vaseline tax of four cents per jar. Funds raised from this fiscal assessment are alocated for general infrastructure. Readers may recall that a hefty 25 cent surcharge-maintenance-jurisdictional-retrograde- fusion tax was implemented last month with the funds earmarked for roads, bridges, airports, urban transportation, police and fire departments.

Many see this recent action as double-dipping

Proponents of that tax were convinced that their constituents would gladly pay a small stipend of this kind in lieu of a more painful process of hand-me-down legislation. Many feared that the general fund attached to infrastructure spending is the perfect place to launder under-the-counter dollars. It is seen by many as an unmonitored money pit that is less than definitive and more secretive as the band plays on.

“Making up volumes of new laws every day isn’t easy and the President, of all people, should recognize this,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy Party-WY), author of the Vaseline Amendment. “It’s bad enough the voters have to listen to all that is generated in these sacred chambers without making citizens pay a another tax on top of it all.”

The Noise family owns more than 30 Vaseline Mines in the Wind River region and a series of open-pit Vaseline extraction operations near Sheridan, at Hair Tonic Springs.

Opponents of the amendment, issued this statement following the final vote:

“This new tax is highway robbery! Attempts to lubricate the executive and legislative branches of government in the late 20th Century deserve some credit, at least with reference to the hands-on process with which we have become accustomed. If the American voter will put up with Congressional shenanigans and pay that body to do nothing why should we be surprised that they are trying to make us as comfortable as possible while we are being manipulated. We feel that the Vaseline Tax was a valid assessment and that four cents not only guaranteed the free flow of commerce but also insured the ready availability of the product. The new tax, as was stated above is grand larceny.”

One television news anchor paraphrased the statement saying that the Congress has responded to public opinion and that it is clear that the American people will not pay any price for comfort. She then fell dead at her station, an apparent victim of over simplification and/or some bad sushi, purchased from a swarthy street vender in Soggy Bottom.

Meanwhile Vice President Bill “Hoosier Willy” Pence, fresh from a scrumptious kimchi and jeotgal and lunch with God, was busy feeling someone’s pain. An 12-year old aide, however, told reporters that the tax was valid.

     “Do you know how much Vaseline costs in Puerto Rico?” he asked.

– H.L. Menoken