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Gunnison close to gold

The Gunnison River rolls through changing colors along Highway 50 west of town

Champion Fly Swatter in Town

(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin Toolefly is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.   

Toolefly’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.

Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during a recent interview with The Gunnison Times.

“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” praised the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands. No electric zappers, no fly paper, no SWAT team…He just did it with perseverance and guts. Lots of guts.”

A bit jumpy, Toolefly sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.

– Rocky Flats

Highway Crews Lay Asphalt Backwards

(Montrose) Crews building a new stretch of highway south of here have apparently poured some 400 tons of asphalt on the road upside down, according to a supervisor at the Colorado Department of Transportation in Denver. The asphalt, which covers about two miles of new highway, will have to be pulled back up and reapplied right-side up.

     Scuttlebutt on the job site suggests that the asphalt may have arrived from Denver in this topsy-turvy condition and without ample directions for use. One worker even went so far as to say that the asphalt had been previously employed on the “interstate to nowhere” between the metro area and Fort Morgan along I-76 in Northeast Colorado.

     “Hey, we all know that the boss has a squeeze over in Olathe,” said a burly heavy equipment operator. “I think he purposely sabotaged the job to ensure himself another week or two of courting.”

     Meanwhile, crews are faced with the tedious chore of pulling up the asphalt over the weekend. it is estimated that traffic will be held up

But were they made in China?

Now you can wear mask just like the President wears. The real human hair composite alone is worth the purchase price.

FCC STEPS IN DOG BUSINESS

(Lake City) The Federal Communications Commission has joined the debate over canine privacy on the web today promising to legislate, placate and procrastinate, then go for a long walk. For months the sensitive subject of pet rights on the Internet has been fodder for heated discussion here.

“My dog bought some bones and some other scented material, which she occasionally rolls in off the web and now they won’t leave her alone,” said June July, a local resident. “We get at least 30 marketing E-mails every day and, let’s face it, Sarah (July’s black lab) has little resistance to this aggressive sales approach. I wish I’d never arranged for her to have her own credit card.”

Classified ads, generally considered harmless a few months ago, can also be a source of trouble for unwitting dogs and cats.

“Spot answered a classified ad regarding a potential mate from Eastern Europe (an Afghan transplant) and now we find little charges on his card generated from places like Sofia and Bucharest, even Prague,” said Jake Arrowhead, of town. “He’s never been there that I know of. One day I came home and there were three mongrels hanging around my living room looking for a free lunch. When I offered tomato soup they got surly. It’s time we undress this annoyance once and for all.”

Dogs were once thought to be deities in ancient Hinsdale County and are still considered a priority in the good life.

“We don’t want our pets manipulated by computer chips or the arse holes behind them,” said July.

State Representative Ernie Woole has taken the matter all the way to the Supreme Quart asking that the law makers act. Speaking on Name That Neurosis talk show Woole threatened to expose the Internet charlatans to the rabies virus unless they police themselves.

“We will not have our dogs be made the victims of this electronic tyranny,” said Woodes, who is running for dogcatcher in October.

-Rocky Flats

Magnesium Chloride Savior of Civilization

(Ouray) Layers of Magnesium Chloride hitting the highways in Colorado not only effectively melt ice and snow but keeps the encroaching pine and aspen jungle at bay.

According to sources at the Colorado Department of Transportation, the secondary advantages of the chemical application comes as a bit of a surprise and may outweigh the initial benefits associated with dry roads and safe motoring..

“We can’t have the savage forests of Western Colorado dominating town streets and areas of higher population,” said an organic chemist at CDOT who is regarded as the folcrum behind most road treatment projects.

The trees, which threatened to engulf most communities only a few years back are now under control. Many along the highways have died due to the exposure to mag-chloride, which, according to a slew of tests and surveys conducted in Denver, is in no way harmful to humans.

“We don’t know what the overall, long-term effect will be on deer and elk,” said the chemist, “but the magpies seem to be healthy enough.”

When road crews first began applying mag-chloride to the highways it seemed to be the most logical approach to the problem of winter conditions here. Now, after criticism from environmental groups and others who say the winter sun melts the snow in good time.

“Did the Town of Ridgway get a good deal on the stuff?” asked one local critic of the program which she conceded does keep dust down in summer. “I’d rather have a little dust than dead trees and the negative impact on my vehicle. Somebody’s making money on this operation and I don’t mean the average highway worker. It still is not clear how the whole arrangement came down and we fear that someone is being bought off at the upper levels of the existing hierarchy.”

A spokesman for the state transportation agency called the accusations total nonsense saying the mag-chloride is necessary to stay on top of record snowfalls and below average temperatures which “turn the roads to skating rinks and impassible routes to nowhere.”

But now with the realization that mag-chloride kills bad trees and vegetation, the issue is once again on the table as well as up in the air.

“We’re not talking Agent Orange here, or even a less potent defoliant. It’s just mag-chloride,” said the spokesman. “It’s as safe as any other chemical currently in use. Besides, without those trees clogging up everything it’s far easier and cheaper to carry out mowing operations.”

One environmentalist organization, calling itself Western Wilderness Warriors has called for the closure of all highways until the matter is resolved. They insist that the trees have rights and deserve consideration.

“We already see loss of pristine forests to logging and to the construction of subdivisions,” said a release from WWW. “Why do we have to jeopardize our resources just to melt the snow faster. We have lost touch with what is natural on the planet and she is going to come back with a vengeance, just wait and see.”

CDOT sources say that they would prefer building fence and mowing to the application of the chemicals but that, much like nuclear waste, they wouldn’t know what to do with the unused gallons already on site.

“We can’t just dump it in a hole and walk away,” said one worker.