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From the Ballroom to Hell

Equally a sin for both sexes

by T.A. Falconer
Ex-Dancing Master

The most accomplished and most perfect dancers are to be found among the abandoned women. Why? Because they are graduates of dancing schools.

If any should wish to ascertain the truth of this, let him ask the girls themselves.

I have for several months been working in a Mission of Los Angeles, and where I have before seen causes at work, I have now had ample opportunity of seeing the effect, and I have often heard some of these unfortunate ones cry out in bitter anguish: “Would to God that I had never entered a dancing school.”

The following 200 were cases of girls who are today inmates of the brothel whom I talked with personally. They were frank to answer to my questions in regard to the direct cause of their downfall, and I gathered that these were ruined by

Dancing school and ball-rooms 163
Drink given by parents 20
Willful choice 10
Poverty and abuse 200

I know of a select dancing school where in a course of three months eleven of its victims are brothel inmates today.
I have, in preceding chapters, spoken chiefly of the harm that comes to women from dancing, and have shown how vile men make use of the privileges the waltz and its surroundings afford to lead once pure girls to impurity and often to crime. But do not think for a moment that because I have here thus spoken, that I hold the women blameless or the dance to the man harmless.

While the woman is more often disgraced in the sight of man, I believe that in the sight of God the sin o dancing is equally a sin for both sexes.

A girl is often ensnared into intoxication and thus into greater sin by vile men, but she is not wholly excusable. If she goes to a ball she must take the consequences. Every woman has a God-given instinct which teaches her right from wrong, and she cannot but know that to indulge in such emotions as the modern waltz fosters is wrong.

It is a horrible fact, but a fact none the less, that it is absolutely necessary that a woman shall be able and willing to reciprocate the feelings of her partner before she can graduate a perfect dancer.

So even if it be allowed that a woman may waltz virtuously, she cannot, in that case, waltz well.

It matters not how perfectly she knows and takes the steps, she must yield herself entirely to her partner’s embrace and also to his emotions. Until a girl can and will do this, she is regarded a scrub by the male experts.

I would that young women who dance could just once be “behind the scenes” when young men meet after an evening’s dance to discuss it together, and hear such remarks as “that Miss ….. is a perfect stick. I would not give a fig to dance with her. You can’t arouse any more passion in her than you could in a putty man. To waltz with such as she is not what I go for.”

Or, another says: “Ah, but that beautiful Miss Smith is a daisy. She is posted. This waltzing is the greatest thing in the world. While you are whirling one of these dear creatures, if you do the thing correctly, you can whisper in her ear things she would shoot you for saying at any other time, but she likes it all the same. They take to it naturally enough if they are properly taught. If you don’t know just how it is done, go to a dancing master, or any professional dancer. They know, and they will soon let you know.

You will soon become a waltzer, and this find out what there is in it.”

Such remarks, and worse than these (remarks unfit to publish in this plainly written book) are made, my fair young ladies, after the ball, about you by the very young men who, at the dance, you thought so nice and who are so considered. I am ashamed to say in by-gone days, I have been among these young men myself, and I know that to hear them give free expression, loose-tongued, to the lewd emotions and sensual pleasures in which they indulge while in your embrace is almost as common as the waltz itself.

I repeat what I have said before, that I do not refer to rough, uncultured men, but to those who are looked upon by society as most polished, refined and desirable young men.

If it be true that a woman, however innocent in thought, is the subject of such vile comment, if there is the barest possibility that it may be true, is it not also true that if she is possessed of a remnant of delicacy, she will shrink from exposing herself to such comment, and flee from places of dancing, as from a den of vipers?

County Line Roadhouse Opening Soon

The much awaited opening of the County Line Roadhouse is not far off, say sources in Colona.

Bad rosin bags blamed for losses

(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.

The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”

The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”

Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late that have left the club reeling. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured.

Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.

Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.

“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”

– Tony Perez

Indians Gearing Up For Final Thrust

(Wounded Knee — Taholah (Washington) Times — July 17, 2017)

Thousands of Native Americans, donned in war paint, are massing for one final assault into the heartland of White America. Warriors from the Lakota, Ute, Comanche, Nez Perce and Apache Nations made of the bulk of the force.

Rumors circulating many western state capitals warn that the group may have access to nuclear weapons and that they plan to recover the land that was taken from them beginning in the 1600s.

“We’ve been planning this maneuver since around 1890,’ said a tribal spokesman. “The government figured we’d cease to exist or assimilate along the way. Neither has turned out to be true.”

Sources here on the Quinault Reservation are predicting victories in Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Montana thanks to an engrained knowledge of the terrain. In Wyoming, Colorado Utah and New Mexico, the elevation is the Indian ally as warriors swoop down on the visiting flatland armies with the might of the Great Spirit in their tomahawks, according to a press release.

“We will refrain from the European practice of taking scalps and will not harm anyone who surrenders,” said the source. “Then with control of the high country we can repel and counteroffensive by the forces of Manifest Destiny. They must remember: We might have “the big one” stashed in our wigwam or under a loincloth. One never knows, does one?”

– Pahoo

“The world keeps ending but new people, too dumb to know it keep showing up as if the fun’s just started.”      – John Updike

And I never cheat on my score card either….


(Ouray) Despite the efforts of local law enforcement and summer vigilantes freed from the tedious classroom, magpies reign supreme in this box canyon town.

Since May police have arrested over 200 of the black and white squawkers and some 50 of their ravenous associates. Round-ups continue this afternoon with incarcerations centering around heaping dumpsters and bankrupt backyard gardens.

With the abduction of a spunky septuagenarian from her garden apartment early Monday the crows can now claim another victory in the struggle for the hearts and the minds of this very frightened town.

“Every time I hear that familiar caw I think of poor Mrs. Belfry, sitting out on her porch doing crossword puzzles. Then, without warning she is dragged off to who knows what horrible fate,” said investigating officer Anthony Flyfishe.

“The worst of them hang out in the back-alleys and on the power lines where they can keep an eye on what humans throw out,” said the officer who has subdued more than 100 of the pests single-handedly, using only regulation rubber bullets dipped in tailings water and common sense.

Gangs of youth, armed with sling-shots and pellet guns will continue keeping the infestation at bay through August. Then, when that brave contingent goes back to school the local militias are generally depleted, reinforcements nothing more than a chest-of-medals fantasy. Shells of their humvies and monster trucks still litter Main Street, a testament to the stark futility of it all.

“They run a regular little sewing circle every damn morning under my window,” added Irvine Toole of the Oak Street Tooles. “They caw at each other tirelessly. They curse like little beaked sailors. They arrogantly relieve themselves at will, dance suggestively in the street and even smoke cigars before breakfast.”

Toole added that at least the birds don’t have car alarms.

According to a controversial feature in The Pea Green Peeper, which appeared exactly one year ago today, pedestrians should feel fortunate that the birds can’t aim. In the article, Sewage Treatment and You, the subject of aggravated attacks from the sky and frontal assaults on windshields was undressed by artillery experts within the Colorado Division of Wildlife. These logistical engineers suggest that the city import or clone predators who might eat the crows.

“The only animal who will repeatedly eat crow is human,” said one DOW spokesperson, and employing that tactic would certainly open up a whole new can of worms.”

Residents began to smell a rat when they noticed the gradual disappearance of other birds in town. By now the classic variety of songbirds has been all but diminished. Even smaller garbage birds seemed to be avoiding the downtown areas, especially after dark.

“If one hikes up another 2000 feet the place is loaded with songbirds,” said Sarah Cera of the Butane Society. “Our committees will keep a close eye on this one to insure that crows, magpies and ravens are not the victims of discrimination. Species profiling is an ugly thing,” she flinched, cracking her badly deformed knuckles like dried Texas pecan shells.

Many Ouray residents display tacky, plastic pink flamingos on their property to discourage squatting flocks. Others have constructed patriotic scarecrows out of discarded Fourth of July parade floats. None of these methods works for long as the birds get wise and pooh-pooh the attempts of the land-locked humans, mocking them from nearby box elder trees, flaunting their feathered invincibility

Attempts to harness and redirect power surges when crowds of crows loiter on utility lines have been abandoned in the face of criticism by animal rights advocates from the Confront Range.

Even though the crows provide a source of protein to some residents during the winter months most people here agree that it’s time to run the winged bullies out of town, if it’s not already too late.

“We may as well admit it,” said Toole. “We are defeated. The entire town will soon be in the hands of scavenger birds. Oh, well, it could be worse. It could be the bears in charge and at least the birds have promised not to pave the side streets.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe