RSSAll Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Ghost of Elvis Sets Hot Springs Tour

(Ouray) An upsurge in reported sightings of the Ghost of Elvis is a clear indication that he about to embark on the annual Hot Springs Tour according to parapsychologists here. Some 30 appearances of the hip-swaying apparition have been chronicled since the first of the year.

“Elvis is the eternal showman,” said Dr. E. B. Tinkleholland, chair at the Table Mountain Institute in Boulder. “He knows better than to try to compete with the holiday hype when all kinds of other celebrity energy is in the air. In death, as in life The King seeks center stage,”

Residents here say Elvis has visited both Box Canyon and the Wiesbaden with short touchdowns at Orvis and the Hot Springs Pool after dark. Guests and staff at these facilities say that the phantom has yet to submerge itself into the water preferring to hover above dressed in a plaid tartan kilt, bow tie, black knee socks and white dress shirt. Although harmless to date the spirit has created quite a stir when popping up among unsuspecting soakers.

“We were sitting in the pool at about dusk when the wind picked up and some light snow began to fall,” said one guest at Orvis Hot Springs near Ridgway. “Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared across the water, maybe ten feet away. He was singing the familiar “Are you lonesome tonight?” to all of the ladies present. As one might imagine the visit created quite a stir and the pool emptied quickly.”

The Elvis Rubber Duckie is back!

Employees there say that upon closer examination they found nothing stranger  than usual going on and concluded that whomever was singing had vacated the premises.

“We’re up to our necks in celebrities, “said one woman at the front desk. “It’s a normal occurrence and most of them attempt to disguise themselves so as to avoid unwanted publicity or attention. Besides in the San Juans these days everyone is a celebrity of some sort.”

She went on to admit that arriving in such a cadaverous state was a nice touch and that the special effects were quite impressive.

“We just wish he would have paid like everyone else,” she frowned.

If the ghost follows the agenda of past years he will spend about a week hanging around Ouray County before traveling to Dunton Hot Springs in Dolores County and Juanita Hot Springs, east of Gunnison. By February fans may have an excellent chance to see Elvis near Valley View at Saguache and Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in the Collegiate Range.

“We can’t guarantee anything,” said Tinkleholland. “Elvis has always had a mind of his own.”

Experts say this year’s ghost seems quite different than the spirit that visited last winter.

“In 2018 the Ghost of Elvis was angry, even vengeful, presumably over the settlement of his estate and the continued pirating of recordings in Third World countries,” said Tinkleholland. “At present he seems to have put these annoyances behind him and is a more lighthearted apparition.”

Despite mounds of data collected over the years and surveys conducted all over the globe researchers remain baffled as to the attire of this year’s Elvis.

“Where’s the glitter? asked the doctor. “We’ve never seen him in kilts before but the name Presley is certainly of Scots-Irish stock.  “It’s either that or he’s developed a fetish for parochial school uniforms. And what’s with the knee socks?”   

-Paula Parvenu

FLOYD ROSADO TOMA EXCEPCIÓN AL SONDA LUNAR CHINA

(LONDRES) La popular banda de rock and roll Pink Floyd no tiene ningún problema con la gente que camina por la luna. Ya sea que sean estadounidenses, rusos, chinos o marcianos no hacen ninguna diferencia al grupo musical que reclama a millones de oyentes aquí en la tierra.

Lo que Pink Floyd no aprecia es la referencia al otro lado de la Luna que, según las fotos tomadas por el Chng’e 4 Rover, no es para nada oscura. Además de aplastar leyendas similares al queso verde y al hombre en la luna, el suave toque en la superficie lunar confirma la imposibilidad de comunicación directa desde la tierra.

“El otro lado de la luna siempre apunta lejos de la tierra, lo que hace que los primeros astrónomos se refieran a él como el lado oscuro de la luna”, dijo un astronauta chino que espera aterrizar en la superficie lunar en algún momento de 2019. “Amamos a Pink Floyd ¡Pero las letras en Dark Side of the Moon son incorrectas!

Al reclamar la licencia poética, Pink Floyd no quiere ser mentirosa o perder la lealtad de su base de admiradores debido a “pequeñas observaciones y la opinión de aquellos que desacreditarían la adaptación musical y la leve referencia a los conceptos mantenidos en nuestros corazones y aceptados”. en nuestra lengua vernácula.

Los Chang’e 4 aterrizaron en el Cráter Von Karman en diciembre, un punto de referencia ubicado en el lado más alejado del cuerpo celeste. Los científicos en Shanghai dicen que esperan estudiar más a fondo la tierra y el subsuelo circundantes y enviar fotos para demostrar que no hay un lado oscuro real de la luna.

Y esto después de que los exploradores espaciales del desarrollo lunar en la Misión K2 de Kepler dicen que han descubierto un mundo completamente nuevo fuera del alcance de nuestro sistema solar. Llamado K2288Bb, el proyecto ha detectado innumerables planetas y estrellas desconocidas para el hombre antes de esta fecha.

“Muchos de estos planetas podrían sustentar la vida”, dijo un portavoz de Kepler. “Este es un descubrimiento emocionante, aunque puede llevar siglos determinar lo que hemos encontrado aquí”.

-Tommy Middlefinger

SNOWBOARDERS MUST WEAR HAIR NETS

(Crested Butte) Snowboarders here will be instructed to wear hair nets while on the slopes as of March. The action comes on the heels of numerous complaints as to the behavior and activities engaged in by this developing minority group.

“It has nothing to do with personal hygiene or long hair,” said a spokesman for Crested Butte Mountain Associates. “It’sit’s a health department code thing, or something. We couldn’t ignore all the complaints. We almost lost a pizza and coke group from Moline this morning,” he gasped. “Hey, running a major ski area ain’t no stroll in the park.

Critics of the new regulation say that the kids are all right

“The snowboarders could be out robbing convenience stores or stealing cars,” said Moms Maplethorpe, 97, the oldest living telemark ski instructor. “These are nice kids out to have a good time. If they threaten the flatlanders by their lifestyles, that’s just tough guano, baby.

As of yesterday a lengthy compromise has been proposed which calls for separate but equal slopes for both the snowboarders and the skiers at peak times such as Christmas and Spring Break. Contact at Paradise Warming House would be limited and potential lift partners would be thoroughly screened by the lift-operators upon boarding lifts.

“Something has to be done before the situation deteriorates even further,” said the spokesman. “Our status as a multi-use recreation area is in jeopardy. If these two groups need contact after the lifts close there are plenty of bars open.

Other ski areas have undressed the problem simply by building bigger and better lifts, as in the case of Vail and Aspen, which have built support facilities such as Beavercreek and Buttermilk to handle the overflow caused by the separation of the two opposing concerns.

According to lawyers for the snowboarders, “We are taking a wait and see approach, hoping to determine the levels of enforcement before we file summer lawsuits.”

– Gabby Haze

OUT OF THIS WORLD

Extraterrestrial visits up 

(Silverton) The number of alien visitors to Western Colorado increased almost 40% over last fall according to watchdog groups focusing on non-traditional tourism. The biggest jumps came in the communities of Silverton and Ouray where extraterrestrials mobbed restaurants and shops sending sales tax figures through the roof of the cosmos.

“They especially liked western clothing, you know, cowboy duds,” said one merchant on Greene Street. “They bough hats and boots like they were going out of style. They bought everything on credit cards even if the duds didn’t fit their oddly-rounded heads and branch-like feet.”

A carnival atmosphere lingered in nearby Ouray all the way through December with alien couples. traveling without off-spring making up a majority of the crowd.

“They came to see the autumn colors and stayed hoping to catch the first snowfall,” according to jeep tour operators who added that the aliens were much more knowledgeable and far more generous than other traditional summer groups.

According to tourist information statistics one out of every three train passengers was from outer space while almost 90% of the above highway air traffic was composed of people from other planets and solar systems.

“Their nervous little dogs were a bit much,” quipped one information booth jockey, “and they were armed with the same questions as tourists from the flatlands of earth. Sure, the conversation gets old but they has cash in hand.

“Aliens are not cheap and compared to other visitors are not afraid to spend money,” said a bartender at the Miner’s Tavern. “They’d come through the door somewhat anxious at first but after they saw the scene here they were quick to relax and get into it. We even had a few in the Friday pool tournaments.”

While other communities reported a slight increase in inter-planetary sojourns San Juan and Ouray Counties appear to have benefited most from the stopovers.

“Many of them were on their way to Las Vegas or the Grand Canyon and we are a convenient call,” said the information specialist. “They look different to be sure but no stranger than a lot of our clientele over the years. Some have even checked out the real estate but were often run off by the prices.”

In a related incident the Executive Board of Spatial Profile and Redistribution of Wealth has concluded that the fastest way to peace on the planet earth is to remove greedy elements from the population. Most members of the Trump Administration are already gone and a master hit list has been circulated throughout the immediate region. To see if your name is on the list please call 1-800-HOW-MUCH.

Burger Giant Offers “Soylent Greens”

(Obesity Springs) Pop culture icon and fast food baron Ronald McDonald has announced a new menu item aimed at appealing to healthier Americans. The addition, called Soylent Green will replace salads and low-fat items currently offered in his restaurants.

Soy burgers and turnip fries have fallen on their respective faces, with consumers abandoning long held routines in search of less healthy experiences in the drive-up lane. McDonald and his cast of clowns feels strongly that soylent green will fill the void between fats and sugar while giving its customers something new to chew on.

“The availability of this innovative sustenance, a cutting-edge recycled organic substance, is a driving force in the decision to embrace this new age cuisine. The recent GOP provoked chucking of corpus delicti statutes hasn’t hurt us either.”

Nutritionists say that while the new food is soggy, it is quite green and, after continued exposure, will be accepted by hungry consumer robots much like the hot dog.

“Go West, young man. It smells like a feedlot around here.”

– Horace Greeley

SNOW GODS CONVENE

Continued from “The Long Underworld”

…and just leave it all in the hands of our North American couterpart, Awonawilona. The Pueblos know all about this part of the country.

Thor: I’m getting pissed off. This taking too long. Once again, I am not in favor of cloud seeding in any manner and would like to see a show of hands. All in favor of dumping on them say Yeah!
All gods: Yeah!

Balder: “That settles that. We’ll bury the Rockies in yards of snow until at least April. Six days and six nights of snow to start with, then some sun, then more snow. Every night and all night in March. And now the chair recognizes Ull, god of skiing, winter and hunting.

Ull: Are we going to let on to the humans that the big chill is about to befall them?

Odin: Let me answer that. If we tell the humans about all the snow they will just try to pile it up in the middle of their streets, or try to spin it into gold. I say keep quiet and let the flakes go their way. Sooner or later they will figure out that they’re in for quite a winter.

Thor: Agreed. Why tell them anything? They get it all wrong anyway. They think we’re mythological but that their gods are real. By the way, where is that guy in the sandals? You know the liberal one from down around the Dead Sea…I thought he’d be here.

Ull: But he does not know snow.

Balder: We don’t need his help with the weather but he could spend some time straightening out a few of his followers, and maybe he could have a little talk with Mohammed as well.

Vali: All in good time. When the great floods come in the spring they will have to recognize our legitimacy or be washed away. Did you have a question or comment, Aegir?

Aegir: Thank you Vali. I only wanted to ask “Is this some kind of Satyr?

Odin: Very funny, great god of the sea and brewing. But a better question might be: How can we get one of our guys appointed to the Supreme Court? Is anyone thirsty?

Thor: No mead until after business is concluded. Aegir attempts to steal my thunder and it’s making me very angry.

Odin: All right, that’s quite enough. We’re all snow gods here and we should be able to get along. To reiterate: Everyone is in agreement. We will bury Colorado in snows higher than the walls of Babylon, deeper than the ancient rivers of Mesopotamia…whiter than…

Ull: Excuse me Odin but you’ve made your point and we all need to be getting back to Valhala. Even though we’re gods it’s getting dark and the roads are full of reindeer and elk.

Odin: I’m not quite finished, Ull. Is the big, bad god of winter afraid of a few little deer? (Clearing his throat) So it looks like it’s time to get out the mukluks. In closing I would like to thank everyone for coming to our annual winter meetings and extend a special thanks to Cuchulainn and Finn MacCool for the delicious stew.

One good reason to enjoy winter

Mt Abram welcomes motorists to Ouray on Highway 550,