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Crested Butte Extends Liquor Licenses

(Gothic) In an attempt to relieve the tight housing crunch the Town of Crested Butte has issued 24-hour liquor licenses to many wet establishments here. The move is aimed at giving the suddenly homeless a place to spend the night.

“Let’s not confuse the houseless with the homeless,” said Blackie Browne, originator of the controversial plan. “These local poor souls are simply inconvenienced for the time being and will probably find accommodations by spring while the homeless are those other people who are not affected by seasonal considerations.

“We like to call them outdoor enthusiasts.” said Browne

The plan is expected to increase the tax base significantly while keeping folks off the streets on cold nights.

“Some people never knew when to go home before,” said a source at the Talk of the Town pub, “and with the new proposal that decision has been made much easier for them. We support the idea, even though we’ve been forced to put on another shift. It’s really quite astounding to watch a customer scarf down a chili dog at 4 o’clock in the morning.

 – Mel Toole

For related story please turn to:
Many Aliens Among Aliens at Mexican Border on Soft News.

“Strange as it may seem, it was accepted in West Cork that the paramount objective of any Flying Column, in the circumstances then prevailing, should be, not to fight, but to continue to exist.”

Guerrilla Days in Ireland by Tom Barry, on the psychology of the rebellion against British rule in 1920.


If a governing body spends more than 57% of its working hours campaigning and another 22% studying opinion polls and another 19% consorting with lobbyists how much time does that leave the elected official to respond to constituencies…you know like govern?

After stinging defeats in Vietnam and Afghanistan how many more military interventions are in the cards for the 21st Century? Should the US build more bombs? How many? Should the US stay home and count its own marbles? How many marbles are left?

Bonus Question: If John tells Mary she can’t be President of the United States because she is a woman, Mary might rightly: add, subtract, multiply or divide John right in the old square root?


Cheating at Golf Part One

“If I had my way any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.”                  – H.L. Mencken

We all get into trouble when we take ourselves too seriously. Nowhere is this reality more apparent than on the golf course. If we can’t even lighten up on the links then what chance to do we have in the workaday jungle? It’s sad. The game of golf has all the elements: A healthy flirtation with fate, a personal challenge, a sensual brush with nature, and a good belly laugh. So then why the frustration?

In 1771 Tobias Smallett observed in The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker that the game was becoming serious. “An Edinburgh foursome, all gentlemen of independent fortunes, had amused themselves at the pastime for the best part of a century, thus achieving a considerable amount of dexterity.” Tobias saw the golf as a precocious, yet peaceful pursuit. He may have said more had it not been for a brief encounter with a bolt of lightning, while single malt chipping on the 9th hole at St. Andrews that very afternoon. RIP Tobias.

Often a golfer cannot achieve peace on a fast talking green or in a bushwhacking fairway bunker because he’s dragged all of his daily problems into the sand trap with him. In short, he has chosen to play golf only on the surface level. He has chosen to go through the motions while his mind is elsewhere. He has chosen to follow another blueprint awarding himself with yet another report card for his efforts. In short, he has chosen the wrong club. That’s where cheating helps.

All golfers cheat. The ones who tell you they don’t are liars and cheats.

While fudging on a score, kicking the ball from the rough onto the fairway, taking countless mulligans and rearranging the landscape are common behaviorisms they are only manifestations of the inside game. They are as predictable as a wad of chew on the path between second and third base or lowered helmets at the goal line.

Combined with a competitive attention to detail, throat-slitting speed and an assortment of deadpan expressions, these sociopathic country club skills, often inherited, can allow the golfer that fleeting inner peace.

Cheating at golf is a game within a game, a subculture composed of honed athletic skills, an executioner’s concentration and a bounce in the right direction when nobody is looking. It is peppered with a brisk glimpse that nothing is sacred and that no micro human endeavor should ever be taken very seriously.

It’s all fair and square because everyone has an equal opportunity to be dishonest, even the caddies. Handicaps be damned…The novice swindler should take precautions to employ a caddie who is also a cheat. That way there’s no conflict of interest. In addition one should dress to blend. In other words: Flashy clothes draw the kind of attention that no self-respecting, flimflam golfer wants.

The deceptive linkster doesn’t cotton to laughing at other golfer’s outfits either. He practices the art of distraction at the appropriate times. For example he might be inclined to rigging his own pants to fall down at while competitors are putting for effect. Eating crunch snacks on the green can also achieve this same kind of objective. Remember: Always practice your methods of cheating. There’s no reason to go straight just because you’re on the putting green or the driving range prior to play.

One particularly successful golf cheat I know in Montrose is constantly giving advice and tips to his competition. This drives them nuts.

“Keep your head down and don’t move your head,” he says. “Keep your arms straight and your club face closed. Bend your knees!”

The result of this mental torture is the slow demise of his adversary. Soon these pathetic pawns are thinking way too much and the ball peters off the tee or hooks its way into downtown Olathe.

Noted American Presidents like Gerald Ford and Dwight Eisenhower engaged in techniques of harassment on regular basis. Ford aimed his shots at other golfers while Eisenhower often put fellow linksters to sleep with his legendary monotones. Jethro Clampitt, who was never elected president of anything, often yelled, “Whop it!” just as other golfers began their backswing. Or maybe it was Jed.

My favorite method is to offer assistance just as another golfer is about to drive.

“You just keep your head down, pal, I’ll stand back here and watch your ball for you,” I say.

After the drive I attempt to send my fellow golfer to a spot as far away from his ball as possible.

It’s really funny watching the fellow searching in the rough for a ball that lies right in the middle of the fairway. Ha! Finding one’s own ball may not be the most beneficial move either. Always frown while looking and keep a backup ball at bay. Storing a second ball in one’s cheek or behind the ear works well.

One particularly clever cheat over at Dos Rios, in Gunnison, has fashioned a kind of Steve McQueen/Great Escape pair of pants that allows for timely golf ball drops anywhere. The prisoners in the film used similar apparatus to get rid of dirt from their ill-fated tunnel. Try it on the golf course whenever the Gestapo ain’t lookin’.

The practice of lingering over one’s own ball for what seems like an eternity can also upset other players causing them to lose all sense of timing. Often they become distracted by other stimuli and then they are at the mercy of the cheater. This approach is very important if one is caught in a sand trap. After the other golfers have grown bored and stopped watching you take practice swings, simply stomp your ball down into the trap, kick up some sand and toss a new ball up onto the green.

Simple enough huh? If another trick is necessary, exercise the wild-eyed option of cleaning your ball for about five or ten minutes at a whack whenever you are within 30 yards of a ball washing machine.

Be very careful in the sand trap. We know of people who, having spent the afternoon there, emerged victorious, but never the same. “Titleist, Topflight…Maxiflight, Wilson Long Drive…. is their curious mantra. Heart breaking.

Other effective diversions include impersonating the sounds of the club hitting the ball. (The proper sound is Twaaack, not Clunk, Whoop or Plop). Losing one’s temper can work and often covers the real agenda. Sneezing, burping and chattering are also powerful tools.

Just remember: The golf club is designed to hit the ball and the golf course is designed for cheaters. Keep in mind that the ultimate reward for cheating is a favorable score. Many of us prefer to keep score after 18 holes have already been completed.

“I think I had a four on number five or was it a five on number four,” is a common conversational technique. Feel free to use our international conversion table found at the rear of this issue. Check out the section listed under Club Distribution of Body Weight and/or Driving While Impaired. It’s sure to shave a point or two.

If none of this works maybe one should consider that he/she simply sucks when it comes to golf. We suggest that a person faced with this stark realization turn to poker or billiards, two fine exercises for chronic cheats.

Kevin Haley, a duffer of some impressive stature throws clubs and refuses to check the oil on his golf cart. He thinks a consistent score of 18 or lower adds validity to an afternoon.

Surfing Club Liquidates

The last regular meeting of the Western Colorado University Surfing Club was held at the Aspinall-Wilson Center last night. The organization, chartered in 1919 by veterans of World War I, reached its peak in 1963 when it boasted some 300 members. That year the club brought the Beach Boys, Dick Dale and Jan & Dean to the campus. Over the years members have traveled to such exotic spots as Chile, Hawaii and the Canary Islands in search of the perfect wave.

The executive board decided to disband since nobody attends the meetings anymore. The last athletic scholarship awarded to a surfer here was shrouded in scandal over alleged inappropriate contact with surfing recruits in both Alma and Granby, two locales that often record temperatures lower than Gunnison measurements.

Other sore spots underscore long board disputes with Adams State University in frigid Alamosa, a row left unsettled for decades.

“Students are far more interested in snowboarding than surfing around here,” said a former member. “It’s the instant gratification thing. There’s a great ski area 28 miles to the north and good surfing spots the ocean are at least a thousand miles from here.”

Excess funds, leftover from operations, remain in a secret off-shore bank account and may go toward the further exhumation of ancient artifacts and fossils on W Mountain.

-Gabby Haze

Anchor found at bottom of Irwin

(Crested Butte) A well –rusted anchor has been salvaged from the bottom of Lake Irwin this morning according to local police divers. The discovery, which interrupted an illegal immigrant ice fishing competition for three hours, brought throngs of disinterested onlookers from as far away as Paonia.

A nautical smiling face plastered to the anchor’s face provided some comic relief in what was otherwise a solemn, chilling scene.

Although no positive identification has been made, authorities are quite sure the anchor is the infamous Theodore Headly, who had been missing from Denver’s KBOP-TV since late December. Although he hardly survived the incident, his hair was still in place at the time of the recovery.

Headly disappeared moments before 2019 after predicting that the world would end before the late news that evening.

-Syd Fahrdt

Eagles headed north

The last of the river eagles say goodbye to Colorado until next fall. Spending the summer in the Canadian Rockies ain’t so bad. We hear the fishing is excellent. Photo by MJ Martin copyright 2019