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Traditionalists Yolked Over Alleged Cover-Up

(Montrose) More than a two weeks after a massive search and seizure operation nationwide, many Easter eggs remain missing. This chilling information has surfaced amid an official gov’ment position that all of the brightly colored eggs have been located and are in custody at press time.

Of the more than 4.3 billion eggs estimated to have been hidden in the United States alone on Saturday, April 19, an impressive 4 billion have been recovered, mostly by small children, leaving roughly 3 million listed as missing in action. Gov’ment sources would neither confirm or deny details gathered and placed at their feet. None would return phone calls as of the weekend.

“What we have here is an attempted cover-up, an evil game of hide and seek,” said citizen’s advocate Bertie Libb, known more for her rosy red hair and bottle blonde complexion than for her ability to count. “Despite vacancies at all levels we will continue to embrace the Bill of Rights.”

That document, one of the American artifacts falling victim to Patriot Act looters of late, has been attributed to the stinging pen of the Easter Bunny, a known meglo-maniac and member of the Rhode Island Communist Party. He is reportedly being held in a black and white room at the Guantanamo Gulag awaiting trial on charges of treason and littering.

“He tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000,” said a former supporter who now heads up the Pea Green Homeland Security Agency “Terrorism comes in all shapes and colors. We must be ready to defend our freedoms and kill people who disagree with us.”

Gov’ment officials prefer to use the term undetermined when dealing with eggs, as well as collateral civilian battlefield casualties, because more and more Americans don’t care and cannot do simple math.

“Why hit them with staggering figures on the evening news and ruin their supper,” said one of the President’s college buddies, now Ambassador to Kuwait. “Undetermined is a softer, more gentle approach to calculations that will only be forgotten when tangled up with the real life interaction common to the evening’s popular sit-coms.

Critics of the Easter Egg hunt say it’s just an attempt to divert the nation from a top-heavy, crumbling economy.

“Accusations that the Easter Bunny has links to rodent groups is poppycock,” said Libb. “Sure he dated Yassar Arafat’s younger sister but that doesn’t dictate his politics. It’s the whistle blowing over Enron scandals that has gotten his cotton tail in hock. By the time he gets out of jail he’ll be one old rabbit.”

Security forces have promised to kick down doors from California to Maine in search of the missing eggs.

In a related piece the entire Democratic wing of the United States Congress has also been reported missing since the War on Terror was stepped up following the 9/11 attacks. According to surviving pages in the Senate, the Democrats are keeping their collective heads down so as to avoid fall-out from manufactured public opinion and claims of glorious victories over world terrorism.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“It will be a war between the elephant and the tiger. If the tiger ever stands still the elephant will crush him with his mighty tusks. But the tiger does not stand still. He lurks in the jungle by day and emerges only at night. He will leap upon the back of the elephant  tearing large chunks from its side and then he will leap back into the deep, dark jungle. Then slowly, the elephant will bleed to death. That will be the war in Indo-China.”

– Ho Chi Minh to American journalist, David Shoenbrun, September 11, 1946.

Animal Advocates Up In Arms Over Llamas As Caddies

(Ridgway UPS) Members of the Colorado Butane Society and the ASPCACA are planning a demonstration to protest the use of llamas as caddies at a nearby golf course. The groups will stage a sit-in on Highway 62 on Saturday mornings during tourist season, Tuesday evenings during moose season and both Saturdays and Tuesdays during combined owl season. Coffee and brownies will be served.

“Imagine, if you will,” said Honey Melborne, of the highly flammable Butane group, “innocent llamas being forced to carry golf clubs around with only a drink of water and some oats for their trouble. It’s unfair! We abolished slavery in 1863!”

An unreliable source at a Cedaredge pro shop told the Horseshoe that a visibly disoriented Melborne got on the wrong bus in Boulder, back in June, headed west and has been hanging around Delta since then.

“The woman is nuts,” he said demanding animosity. “The llamas really enjoy their new chores here. Why do these people want to ruin it for them anyway?”

Melborne, who claims she is perfectly sane, says her group will keep up the pressure until they liberate the llamas.

“It’s bad enough the town allows llamas to tend bar and sell real estate,” she countered, “but the blatant use of llamas as pack animals is a crime against nature.”        – Kashmir Horseshoe

Did you know…

“Gunnison was named after some drunk that abused the natives. Meeker was named after a twisted preacher who attempted to convert the Utes to the ways of the white man. Olathe was named after a town in Kansas after Chief Colorow fell from favor with the honkies. This is pathetic enough, but when one considers that Montrose was named after a minor character in a Sir Walter Raleigh novel the dirty laundry emerges. How could people be so lethargic what with all the great politicians and country & western celebrities to choose from.”

– Small Mouth Bess, in her book Misunderstood Small Towns of the American West

“If you don’t go to their funeral they won’t come to yours.”

      -Yogi Berra


(Montrose) With more than 7,000 persons currently employed, the pizza delivery industry has overtaken agriculture as the number one industry on the Western Slope. According to recently released records, some 44,712 pizzas are delivered between Hiawatha and Pagosa Springs, placing the western half of the state 16th in national pizza consumption per capita, and the industry itself 20th in overall gross national product.

     “That don’t count the pizzas that is picked up at the counter neither,” said one recent high school graduate enrolled in a local management program.

“I send the rockets up; where they come down is not my business.” – Werner von Braun

Colorado man runs fishing boat into White House


(Washington) Melvin Toole started out the day fishing for breakfast in the Gunnison River and ended up catching hell for dinner on the White House lawn. Now he can barely recognize his crumpled 1943 Henway tuna boat, which mysteriously crashed into the White House yesterday. The incident, which took place on the heels of a similar intrusion last month, has sent shockwaves through the inner sanctum of the Secret Service and left local police baffled.

“I don’t have any answers either,” flinched Toole as he was questioned by authorities last night. “One minute I was cruising the Gunnison in my extended cab, double-barrel, aluminum tuna boat and the next I was on the East Coast. I must have taken a wrong turn at Leaps Gulch, but I don’t remember crossing the Rockies or the Mississippi either.”

Questions over White House security, voiced after a renegade airplane crashed into the same building in September, have once again been asked with all sorts of government agencies denying blame for this recent episode.

“The Department of Transportation blames the Secret Service while the Secret Service blames NASA, who in turn is pointing the finger at the local DC cops,” said on White House aide. “Meanwhile nobody around here is getting anything done. What else is new?” he laughed.

Toole, a former daredevil trapeze artist turned sous chef, is being held in lieu of bond at an undisclosed location. He is expected to be tortured tomorrow.

Fortunately for some, the First Family were not at home at the time of the crash

Some 30 healthy kokanee, which had been snagged by Toole prior to his departure from Colorado, were presented to a throng of homeless persons gathering on Pennsylvania Avenue. These unfortunates had assembled to listen to some self-proclaimed prophet sing the praises of pyramid marketing. The fish, which fed some 200 people, was a bonus

Toole, who is wanted in Wyoming for impersonating a damp bale of hay, told authorities that he would fight any charges brought against him. If convicted, the intruder could face harsh sentencing: His choice of either 30 lashes or a four-corpse dinner with the president.

“I’m not a terrorist!” he bellowed, adding that he hoped the Trumps had collision insurance.

– Small Mouth Bess


(Montrose) The National Rack Association today condemned trophy hunters as heartless brutes who are more interested in decorating their walls than harvesting food or the romance of the hunt. The organization called on all bucks and bulls in the region to resist the temptation to fraternize with hunters of all kinds.

“It’s often an ego thing on the part of the male of the species,” explained one NRA organizer. “The animal imagines himself adorned on the wall, admired by all, but forgets that he must make some mortal sacrifices to get there.”

The NRA, a non-profit, just like the National Rifle Association, was formed in 1977 in an attempt to help herd animals deal with the annual fall stress. In its charter it clearly states that “although we find carnivores repulsive we cannot change our degrading status on the food chain. We are not naive enough to expect to end centuries of this ritual but rather we are in business to preserve the honor of our species and promote mental health within the ranks of the survivors.”

It’s simple enough, according to a former taxidermist who is now active within the NRA: “Although not an easy task most of the herd animals can deal with humans cooking them up with potatoes and carrots. It’s the mutilation for decoration mentality that the animals find offensive.”

-Gabby Haze

The Kerry Man Cannot Be Fooled!

An American balloonist took off from London and headed west over the Irish sea as planned. He passed over Dublin, then Kilkenny but when he attempted his descent he was pushed and pulled by gusty winds and sent farther west of his destination. Concerned, he made the proper adjustments but still continued to flow west. Soon, after dropping some elevation he found himself over what appeared to be County Kerry, drifting out in to the open Atlantic and big trouble.

Just as he passed over what he thought was the Dingle Peninsula he saw a Kerryman out working in his fields. As a last resort he yelled down to the man: “Excuse me sir but…but where am I?”

The man looked up, surprised and responded, “You can’t fool me. You’re up in that little basket hanging from a hot air balloon.”