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Anchor found at bottom of Irwin

(Crested Butte) A well –rusted anchor has been salvaged from the bottom of Lake Irwin this morning according to local police divers. The discovery, which interrupted an illegal immigrant ice fishing competition for three hours, brought throngs of disinterested onlookers from as far away as Paonia.

A nautical smiling face plastered to the anchor’s face provided some comic relief in what was otherwise a solemn, chilling scene.

Although no positive identification has been made, authorities are quite sure the anchor is the infamous Theodore Headly, who had been missing from Denver’s KBOP-TV since late December. Although he hardly survived the incident, his hair was still in place at the time of the recovery.

Headly disappeared moments before 2019 after predicting that the world would end before the late news that evening.

-Syd Fahrdt

Eagles headed north

The last of the river eagles say goodbye to Colorado until next fall. Spending the summer in the Canadian Rockies ain’t so bad. We hear the fishing is excellent. Photo by MJ Martin copyright 2019

Mud season bookings way up from ’18

Dirty Business Thrives on Sarcasm, Lilt

(Crested Butte) Forget about off-season. Bookings from mid-April to mid-May are up a whopping 35%. A newfound interest in what has historically been a dead time of the year here has provided encouragement to merchants and represents a boon to lodge owners.

“We can’t offer mainstream skiing or wildflowers,” said a spokesperson for the local chamber, “but we can offer them tranquility.”

Most of the visitors said they hope to spend their time in the backcountry where the skiing promises to be excellent all the way into June. Others told the Horseshoe that they just wanted to relax.

“This is a time of the year when we can enjoy the countryside without all the ski area sideshows,” said one visitor who first visited the Butte during Martian Ski Week in 2006. “I’m looking for solitude and time to reflect,” she said. “There are still plenty of restaurants open and the parking opportunities are incredible.”

These uplifting figures were tabulated on the heels of an ambitious plan to run Puritan squatters out of Washington Gulch and to pave Kebler Pass.

“A few hunhred scrawls o’ chaps with a couple o’ guns and Rosary beads, again’ a hunhred thousand thrained men with horse, fut an’ artillery…and he wants us to fight fair!”  – Sean O’Casey in The Plow and the Star (1926)

IRISH SHIPS LAND IN WALES

(Editor’s note: Last night I had a happy dream, as sweet as it could be. I dreamed that then brave Irish men had set old Ireland free).

(1644) A combined force of Irish, Highland Scots and Old English Cavaliers remains anchored just off the coast of Wales at Cardigan Bay this morning. As the sun rose thousands of well-armed Irish troops began their cross-country trek toward London.

As expected, Welsh regiments joined the Irish in their attempts to snuff out the abuses of the Roundhead element under Oliver Cromwell. Background: These forces, along with Royalists loyal to English King Charles I, had been embroiled in a bloody civil war since 1642. The year before Gaels in Ireland had arisen in an attempt to drive out the plantation settlers who were given large tracts of land in Ireland in return for loyalty to Elizabeth I. These lands were taken from the native population many of whom now lived an impoverished life in their own country.

Saying that they’d rather have the Irish than Cromwell or the King, for that matter, the Welsh were relieved to know that the Irish would not stay.

“We do not want England,” said Finn MacCool, a Celtic warrior. “We just want England out of Ireland. They’ve cut down our virgin oak forests and confiscated our farms while forcing the earls of Ulster from their lands. We don’t much like them.”

Despite these emotions the Irish promised not to harm the English peasantry, who they say are only pawns, victims as well in the evil masterplan to subjugate the world.

“We’d just like to teach them to read and about all the cultures of these islands,” said Hugh O’Neill, Earl of Tyrone. “It is through this kind of understanding that we can avoid future conflicts and live side by side in peace. Ignorance and fear are the enemy of all men. How do you think the Puritans rose to power in the first place?”

Many English cheered as Druids priests condemned the practice of witch burning and the harsh philosophies of these Puritans.

“These barbarians must be stopped,” said Brian Boru, victor of Clontarf. “There will be no peace with these religious zealots under arms.”

The Irish high command in Kinsale has offered amnesty to any Puritan soldier who surrenders. Those who do not will face the sword or a life of slavery in the Caribbean. Although both the French and Spanish governments had pledged assistance in the punitive action against Cromwell the Irish declined the offer.

“We ourselves can handle the situation,” said O’Neill.

– Finbar O’Haille 

“A trip to heaven is wasted on some, when a simple postcard would satisfy.”

– St. Roscoe of Paddlewheel

Mensajes de texto? No preocupada pero no pueden conducir un palo.

Más y más personas en el país no pueden conducir transmisiones estándar. Este terrible fenómeno, considerado como parte de la evolución humana del siglo XXI por parte de los fabricantes de automóviles, ha abaratado la experiencia de manejo y le ha dado al motorista menos control en caso de mal tiempo. También resume las estadísticas disminuidas para el consumo responsable de petróleo.

¿La disponibilidad de transmisiones estándar se basa en la oferta y la demanda o en otras oscuras manipulaciones económicas de la industria automotriz? ¿La introducción de motores con inyección de combustible hizo que la operación de un automóvil fuera demasiado fácil y condujera al deseo de mayor comodidad?

Durante décadas, desde el final de la era clásica / romántica, donde los conductores valoraban sus carros, los fabricantes de automóviles vieron a los consumidores como bozos tecnológicos que no quieren realizar tareas innecesarias mientras están detrás del volante.

Aparentemente, tocar la radio, jugar con las ventanas eléctricas y mirar hacia atrás en la vista trasera domina la capacidad de atención del fusible corto. Los nombres GTO o 442 o incluso cuatro en el suelo se pierden en estas personas, muchos de los cuales dicen que son fanáticos de Nascar.

“¿Es realmente tan difícil enganchar el embrague? sonrió un defensor del consumidor. “El conductor de un cambio de palo está más en sintonía con su vehículo y, a su vez, está mejor conectado a la carretera. Todo lo que uno tiene que hacer es dar un pequeño giro y estará convencido “.

Pero todos pueden enviar mensajes de texto mientras están al volante y manipular los teléfonos inteligentes como si fuera un asunto de nadie. Simplemente no pueden distinguir una segunda marcha de reversa que podría ser fatal en el flash entre una conducción segura e incompetente.

El desarrollo, aunque es un viento pasajero para la mayoría, perturba gravemente a los expertos en automoción que dicen que solo puede significar más reductores de velocidad a menos capacidad intelectual en la carretera.

– Alfalfa Romero

“Tenemos suficiente religión para hacernos odiar, pero no lo suficiente para hacernos amarnos”. – Jonathan Swift

Ghost of Elvis Sets Hot Springs Tour

(Ouray) An upsurge in reported sightings of the Ghost of Elvis is a clear indication that he about to embark on the annual Hot Springs Tour according to parapsychologists here. Some 30 appearances of the hip-swaying apparition have been chronicled since the first of the year.

“Elvis is the eternal showman,” said Dr. E. B. Tinkleholland, chair at the Table Mountain Institute in Boulder. “He knows better than to try to compete with the holiday hype when all kinds of other celebrity energy is in the air. In death, as in life The King seeks center stage,”

Residents here say Elvis has visited both Box Canyon and the Wiesbaden with short touchdowns at Orvis and the Hot Springs Pool after dark. Guests and staff at these facilities say that the phantom has yet to submerge itself into the water preferring to hover above dressed in a plaid tartan kilt, bow tie, black knee socks and white dress shirt. Although harmless to date the spirit has created quite a stir when popping up among unsuspecting soakers.

“We were sitting in the pool at about dusk when the wind picked up and some light snow began to fall,” said one guest at Orvis Hot Springs near Ridgway. “Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared across the water, maybe ten feet away. He was singing the familiar “Are you lonesome tonight?” to all of the ladies present. As one might imagine the visit created quite a stir and the pool emptied quickly.”

The Elvis Rubber Duckie is back!

Employees there say that upon closer examination they found nothing stranger  than usual going on and concluded that whomever was singing had vacated the premises.

“We’re up to our necks in celebrities, “said one woman at the front desk. “It’s a normal occurrence and most of them attempt to disguise themselves so as to avoid unwanted publicity or attention. Besides in the San Juans these days everyone is a celebrity of some sort.”

She went on to admit that arriving in such a cadaverous state was a nice touch and that the special effects were quite impressive.

“We just wish he would have paid like everyone else,” she frowned.

If the ghost follows the agenda of past years he will spend about a week hanging around Ouray County before traveling to Dunton Hot Springs in Dolores County and Juanita Hot Springs, east of Gunnison. By February fans may have an excellent chance to see Elvis near Valley View at Saguache and Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in the Collegiate Range.

“We can’t guarantee anything,” said Tinkleholland. “Elvis has always had a mind of his own.”

Experts say this year’s ghost seems quite different than the spirit that visited last winter.

“In 2018 the Ghost of Elvis was angry, even vengeful, presumably over the settlement of his estate and the continued pirating of recordings in Third World countries,” said Tinkleholland. “At present he seems to have put these annoyances behind him and is a more lighthearted apparition.”

Despite mounds of data collected over the years and surveys conducted all over the globe researchers remain baffled as to the attire of this year’s Elvis.

“Where’s the glitter? asked the doctor. “We’ve never seen him in kilts before but the name Presley is certainly of Scots-Irish stock.  “It’s either that or he’s developed a fetish for parochial school uniforms. And what’s with the knee socks?”   

-Paula Parvenu