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The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

Brought to you in spectrum black and white by O’Hara’s Pink-Eye Ointment and Trough Oil. If it’s not O’Hara’s it’s not O’Hara’s.

(The scene: A tree house in East Africa, 1936)

Tarzan: Tarzan kick lion ass.

Jane: Tarzan, I’m surprised at you, using such vulgar language here in The Horseshoe. Don’t you know that our readers are sensitive and easily offended? Besides, you were lucky the lion backed off or you might be dinner for the whole pride.

Tarzan: What?

Jane: Now go and pick me some fresh bananas. It’s Cheetah’s birthday and I want to bake her a cake.

Tarzan: Tarzan call elephants, do job.

Jane: And that’s another thing. Who do you think you are exploiting the honorable elephant for your own ends.

Tarzan: Tarzan always call elephants…

Jane: Well those days are over, sailor. From now on we’ll be doing things the civilized way like they do in Britain. You do plan to wear a shirt for dinner don’t you? Boy and his wife will be joining us for tea…

Tarzan: Boy no care about shirt.

Jane: What? What did you say?

Tarzan: Tarzan kick lion ass good.

THE END

For top drawer analysis and further discussion of this segment please turn to Don’t tell me what I don’t already know on page 45.

Trump Middle East Club is no more

(Dubai) Drastic atmospheric pressure changes brought the tumultuous rains to the desert but a direct lightning hit and subsequent wild fire have been blamed for the colossal annihilation of the Palm Trump Towers here.

“There’s nothing left but sand and some red baseball caps,” said a former bookkeeper. The drastic phenomenon of intense rain and flooding led onlookers to ask if the world was coming to an end. Again, palaces, eateries and casinos next to the Trump property were untouched.

“It was if the tempest had eyes, its target clear in mind, when it let loose,” said the source. Trump was not on the scene. Aides told reporters he was hospitalized recovering from Puerto Rican Plague, a painful malady that causes the head to swell and the tongue to stop working. The family has blamed the episode on sullen employees, many of whom are recent immigrants.   

Meanwhile our White House is quite calm this morning

Avoiding the current drama of indictments and denials on Pennsylvania Avenue, our local White House Mountain appeared ultra-calm this morning, preparing to welcome the first real winter snow in the San Juans.

Champion Fly Swatter in Town

(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin O’ Toole is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.   

Toole’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.

Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during an interview with The Gunnison Times.

“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” said the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands.”

A bit jumpy, Toole sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.

– Rocky Flats

“The Maharaja of Gwalior killed over 1400 tigers in his lifetime and was the author of a work destined for a limited if select audience, “A Guide to Tiger Shooting.”  – from Freedom at Midnight by Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre.

Don’t dump it!

THE RAZOR’S EDGE: A short peek at shaving

In honor of NATIONAL HAIR MONTH

Stubble in the form of whiskers has been with us almost since the invention of the face. As cultures have changed throughout history, so have people’s attitudes toward whiskers. The early people of the Fertile Crescent wore their facial hair proudly. Artifacts have been uncovered that show a proud Sumerian man with his beard adorned with oil and chicken bones and bits of parsley, although some scholars suggest that these findings merely showcase sloppy ancient eaters.

An early legend tells of a man with his beard decorated with many bits of bread. The story says that, even though this was very attractive to ancient females, the man had a perplexing problem of birds swooping constantly upon his beard. This so annoyed him that he took to pulling large chunks of his beard out until the clean-shaven look was born. Today’s modern men (and even some women) would never consider this gruesome method to be a proper removal of unwanted facial hair.

Actual shaving was done some years later with pottery shards. Many archeological digs reveal literally truckloads of pottery shards. For years archeologists thought these were bits of broken ceramic vessels, but now many believe these shards to be, not broken bits, but original shaving tools. Some scientists believe that the shards even say, “bic” on the back.

As hygiene evolved, new and better tools came along. Finally, a sharpened razor blade with a handle was invented by a Greek inventor named Idios. Idios also invented an electric razor, but electricity was unfortunately not available for 2200 more years. But the razor blade was plenty exciting enough for people akin to using pottery shards.

In fact shaving got to be such a joy that even woman and children got into the act. Thus up until this century children were sometimes affectionately called “little shavers.”

Today stubble removal is easier than ever. Still it requires time and daily attention. If a man spends 3-5 minutes every day shaving then over the course of his lifetime this could add up to hundreds of years. Little wonder then that many men prefer to let at least some of their facial hair grow, the hair above their top lip, or on their chin, or all the hair on the left side of their face for example.

So then what of the future of shaving?  Some analysts forecast a time in the near future when men can get a shave over the internet. A technology institute in Germany is currently experimenting with a hat that projects a holographic image over the wearer’s face so that he appears to be clean- shaven at all times. Holograms, on-line shaving, who knows what’s in store? Call me old fashioned, but I like hot shaving cream, a straight razor and barber shop aftershave.

 

“I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to own.”

– Gen. Worthington Bulbous, Military Industrial Complex