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Jack’s Cabin Now Real Estate Office

(Almont) It had to happen. With nearly half the storefronts in nearby Crested Butte hanging a real estate shingle Jack’s Cabin had to follow suit. Years ago the place was a supply depot with a store selling everyday items to real people. Now with the emergence of the resort economy it’s hard to find much more than smiling land primps and kinky sandwiches in the former coal town.

Appearing in a tasteful greenbelt and white shoes Jack was careful to clarify his status in the progression of rustic cabin to modern office building.

“I’m not getting any licenses except a cow tag,” he smiled. “I’m just leasing the place out. What else could I do…sell sneakers to the tourists? I tried selling stoves but the county passed an ordinance against them. I tried T-shirts but everyone already has enough of them. This real estate scam was my last gasp.”

Jack admitted that he was behind in cabin payments and that the bank was looking at a repossession as early as December. This disclosure added confusion to the transfer since he had been living there for about 100 years. Over 40 home equity loans since 1948 appears to be the culprit.

“I thought they’d (the bank) rent out the place,” he quipped, “and be the first lending institution in this part of the valley but they said there were not enough windows or parking.”

Until he finds affordable housing Jack will hold up in a trophy trailer out back of the cabin.

Washington puede cambiar el nombre

(Seattle) Nada en contra de George, pero el estado de Washington está considerando seriamente un cambio de nombre. Preocupados por la asociación negativa con el otro Washington, más contaminado, los líderes del Estado de Evergreen lograron obtener la propuesta en la votación de noviembre.

Entre las ideas para un nuevo nombre se encuentran Columbia, Cascade, Olympia, Chinook, Rainier y Yakima. Un grupo escindido de otro grupo escindido que busca unirse a Canadá, ha propuesto nombrar al estado Juan de Fuca, en honor a un explorador español que reivindicó el actual Washington por España en 1775. Los críticos dicen que ese nombre abriría la puerta a todo tipo de chistes de color.

Situado en el noroeste de los Estados Unidos, lejos de las costas del Potomac, Washington podría llevar a cabo este osado golpe. En el momento de la publicación, parece dudoso que los Estados Unidos, que ya están en sus caderas en medio de enredos extranjeros, envíen tropas para sofocar las interrupciones semánticas.

“Primero pensamos en la secesión total, pero no funcionó tan bien en el sur hace 140 años”, dijo Abraham Grande-Coulee, autoproclamado patriarca del movimiento. “Entonces pensamos en unirnos a Canadá pero son tan británicos, con la Reina y todo, ya sabes. Nuestro contingente irlandés-americano nunca iría por eso. Finalmente se acordó que nos quedaríamos donde estamos. un sentido político y una distancia lingüística de los imperialistas en la costa este “.

Grande-Coulee pasó a expresar su preocupación de que los pueblos de otras naciones puedan confundir el montañoso y boscoso estado de Washington con el plano y estéril Washington DC.

“En los días de un planeta cada vez más pequeño, no necesitamos ese tipo de imagen de relaciones públicas”, dijo.

Las fuentes federales dicen que esperarán y verán un acercamiento al desarrollo a pesar de los temores de que otros estados “en riesgo” puedan unirse a la refriega. Ya Nueva Jersey, Nuevo México y Dakota del Sur han expresado un interés pasajero en un cambio de nombre.

“Podemos entender que la gente de allí quiere su propio nombre y no algo que ya se haya tomado”, dijo el Senador Oral Noise (Unitarian-MA).

“Para algunos parecería que el nombre de Washington fue elegido como una ocurrencia tardía, por así decirlo. Tal vez se decidan por Jefferson. Fue amable”.

– Melvin O’Toole



(Red Mountain Pass) The Swiss government today filed suit against the town of Ouray over a series of alleged copyright violations. The action focuses on the continued use of the slogan Switzerland of America and a web address domain that the Europeans insist have been previously registered.

     Attorneys for the town of Ouray have been rather candid in response saying that Ouray should settle out of a quart before the Swiss start pulling out their little red army knives. They suggest that the Colorado town offer Switzerland several smaller peaks, free tickets to Box Canyon and a player to be named later.

     More on this if it develops.

Ridgway Moving Sidewalk Repaired

(Pleasant Valley) Ridgway’s state-of-the-art horizontal tongue-and-groove escalator is again back up and running according to transportation engineers on the spot. The contraption had caught fire and sustained water damage as well as severe floor burns during an overtime basketball game between Ridgway and Ouray in 1964.

“We’ve been waiting for parts,” said Ted Yoder, inventor of the sidewalk who relocated to the Uncompahgre Valley from Vermont some 42 years ago. “They have to come all the way from Grand Junction.”

A boon to joggers, the moving sidewalk is expected to entice over 400,000 tourists to the town in 2018 alone. Built solely of ponderosa pine, the sidewalk runs in a circle from the Mentone Hotel to Cow Creek Hall and back. Funds for the repair came from a car wash held at the top Imogene Pass every September 9.

At the time of construction it was perceived that the sidewalk would put off the inevitability of traffic signals in the environs of the town.

– Jolly Pena


(Buenos Aires) An accused former SS officer known only as Dutch Charlie has been arrested in Argentina. The elderly culprit is allegedly the same Dutch Charlie that served in an elite Nazi unit in Poland during World War II. He is expected to be deported to Germany where he will stand trial for crimes against humanity.

Embarrassingly enough, a few years ago the state of Colorado may have named a reservoir near Ridgway, Colorado after the same man.

“That’s a lie,” said Melvin Von Toole. “Our Dutch Charlie was a brain-dead bureaucrat from Lamar. He pushed a pencil for the BLM through the Fifties then later functioned as a double agent for Colorado Parks and Recreation until his retirement in 1993. We think he’s living outside of Mexican Hat.”

Upon further examination we found no trace of this second Dutch Charlie in the Beehive State.

“When the state named the reservoir after this Dutch Charlie guy local residents were aghast,” said H.L. Menoken, a local gull canner and free-lance ukulele tuner who gave his address as “just up the road. “Nobody had a clue as to what or who they were referring. Cripes, they could have named the place after Otto Mears or even Chief Colorow.”

A spokesman for the state further denied implications that law enforcement policy at the reservoir was based on an SS manual.

“It seems that there’s a lot of denial around the shores of this Pa-Cha-Ku-Ku-Ka-Chu-Pey place,” continued Menoken. “Is that the capital of North Korea or South Korea?”

It is not known if the recent disclosures will effect plans to fill the reservoir with Bavarian Mimosas for Columbus Day, as has been the tradition for longer than anyone can remember.

– Crepes Suzette



(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Daylight Savings Club the Ouray Town Clock will now keep time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing.

“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers.”

Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the task when the clock runs short of juice.

“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray.”