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CATTLEMEN MOOO HOOO DEVELOPMENT

(Montrose) Local cattle interests say that a massive development planned for the Marmot Creek area is potentially destructive to their industry. The 3000-home subdivision is planned for what was once quality agricultural land.

Sources within the Cattlemen’s group content that with the excess building their cows will not be able to lie down/recline in the pasture anymore.

“With the limited acreage set aside for grazing our livestock will be forced to stand up 24-hours per day,” said Barb Warr, a spokesman for the group. “Do you know what that does to the breeding cycle, not to mention calving and the overall attitude of the herd?”

Dairy farmers echoed the same concern.

“Due to this rampant sprawl our animals can barely stretch out now,” said Harvey Milque, of Spring Creek Mesa. “Any more building will do us in. There is a comfort factor here that must be respected. Some of my neighbors south of Montrose barely have room for a decent garden as it is. We have enough American culture now. What we need is a little Rocky Mountain restraint. Do we really want to look like Grand Junction?”

– Mel Toole

COLUMBINE FIELD TRIP NETS POLARITY

(Montrose) Students at Columbine Middle School have discovered the existence of what teachers think is the North Pole during a seasonal field trip on the Uncompahgre Plateau. Participants, collecting rocks for a school terrarium, stumbled across small stones containing an iron ore thought to be magnetite.

“One end of the stone was obviously attracted by the earth’s north pole while the other end was attracted by the earth’s south pole. This is powerful medicine to say the least,” said one teacher.

Up until now most people believed that the North Pole was nothing more than the fictitious home of Santa Claus and that the South Pole was full of worthless penguins hanging out waiting to be eaten by polar bears or sharks. The rest thought magnetic pull was a result of witchcraft.

“Last year all we got out of the annual field trip was a field. This year we may be on our way to developing electromagnets,” said the teacher.

– Laura Borealis

House Thefts Up Nationwide

(New York) The number of houses stolen so far has risen sharply indicating a desperation on the part of the poor and the emergence of more capable thieves. For years burglars were content to break into a home and steal smaller items like jewelry, cash and weapons. Today the high tech crook sees this as small potatoes compared to taking the entire structure.

Gated communities, once thought to keep out negative elements with sticky fingers, have been particularly hard hit with some fourteen second homes ripped off so far this year (3 alone in California).

“Let’s be real here,” said one security guard working near Villa la Basura in Southern California. “If a thief has it on his mind to haul off a house no gate is going to stop him. For what we are paid I can’t see any in the brotherhood of security personnel sticking out his neck to save some rich person’s property.”

One would think that the authorities might have some success catching robbers with an entire house in their possession.

“The police have made some arrests but most of these thefts occur late at night after everyone has gone to bed,” said one police spokesman. “The best advice is to stay home with your rifle handy. These low life types are looking for easy targets and will generally back off when confronted.”

     Some security experts go so far as to propose mining a property so as to deprive the thief of access. Attempts to booby-trap foundations or dredge extensive moats have proved disastrous.

The sad scenario of house theft often follows a basic pattern with thieves hauling it off to a secluded spot where the spoils are then divided up at leisure.

“They take everything,” said one Colorado man whose house disappeared back in December. “All we have left is a lot. They even took the dog.”

– Small Mouth Bess

 

“Get there first with the most men.”

– Nathan Bedford Forrest, Confederate army general (1821-1877)

NHL TO OFFER BULK ICE

(Toronto) The National Hockey League today announced that it would go ahead with plans to sell bulk ice this winter if budget problems continue. While most of the sales would take place in Canada, there would be extensive exports of the frozen water to the United States and Mexico as well.

A spokesman for the league told The Horseshoe that most of the ice now in place in rinks from Los Angeles to Montreal would be either placed on the auctioning block or sold outright as an often temporary  cooling agent. This action, of course, will only be implemented after the Play-offs in June.

“If these ragged players think they’re going to blackmail the NHL they have another think coming, heh?” said Lonnie LaBatt of the league front office. “They have accused us of siding with the owners! Can you believe the gall? Just because the owners created the league, gave us our jobs and write our paychecks…heh…do they think we can be bought?”

Meanwhile a player’s association source said that most of the executives attached to the game ought to show their true colors by cutting back on the talk and providing some action. He suggests that each franchise field a team comprised of owners, PR men, dysfunctional vice presidents and security personnel. This squad would then face actual NHL players in a knock down, drag out winner-take-all hockey game.

“We’d love it,” drooled Red McKoone, a rookie defenseman for the Detroit Redwings who is credited with collecting over 30 ears during minor league matches in and around Saskatoon since 1992.

Getting back to the ice sales, one executive explained that ice is a renewable resource and that it may as well pay its own way.

“If we turn off the cooling systems during a work stoppage we will inherit a pool of water,” he gestured. “If we pay to keep the stuff frozen we lose money. But if we break it up, bag it, and sell it through convenience stores and groceries we could make a killing. Imagine buying genuine NHL ice!” he shouted. “Why would anyone want anything else!”

A Western Colorado test market has reportedly been arranged for the experimental sales of the ice. Outlets in Parlin, Placerville, Colona, Austin, Whitewater, Maybelle, Bedrock, Sargents, Cahone and Rico should be receiving the new product by Wednesday. Smaller market areas should be included in the sales zone by Thanksgiving.

– Manfred Dille

Depressants Hailed as Miracle Drug

(Trenchtown) The ever-vigil pharmaceutical industry has taken aim at counteracting the affects of too often employed anti-depressant drug therapy. A breakthrough pill, dubbed the depressant, has been heralded as the antidote for people who are getting too high, and feeling too good on anti-depressant medications.

Considering the high percentage of people currently ingesting happy pills, the depressant formula should provide a stopgap remedy for false happiness. It also represents major profits for the manufacturer.

A stark black capsule, aimed at neutralizing the effects of the first medication would replace the bright, shiny blue or yellow anti-depressant pill. Experts say the benefits could be seen immediately.

Research on the depressant has been ongoing due to the increase in anti-depressant use and the perceived need to bring the patient back to normal before real therapy can run its course. It has been conducted in secret so as not to alarm the pill popping public.

“In 90% of our test cases we have found that the new drug works great,” said one researcher. “How can we expect people to achieve true happiness when they are popping attitude adjustment bombers every day? After a few weeks they have lost all that is instinctual. They don’t know how to react to the positives and negatives of daily life.”

One source told The Horseshoe that a pill to create temporary normalization had not been approved but was available various different colored markets, including the popular black one.

An industry spokesman said the long-awaited anti-addiction pill, aimed at helping people get off medications, alcohol, television, sugar, tobacco, caffein and government is still in the works.

“We want to develop a daily popper to help our clients come down or go up depending on what drug has been prescribed,” she said. “Then we can begin the entire process again for the next batch of those who suffer from either malady. We have mastered the mood alteration technology. Now it’s just a matter of watching how it stacks up against the ledger sheet.”

– Alfalfa Romero

        

Malcolm Lowry

Late of the Bowery

His prose was flowery

and often glowery.

He lived nightly, and drank daily

And died playing the ukelele.

                           – Malcolm Lowry, Epitaph

MANY EASTER EGGS STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR

Traditionalists Yolked Over Alleged Cover-Up

(Montrose) More than a two weeks after a massive search and seizure operation nationwide, many Easter eggs remain missing. This chilling information has surfaced amid an official gov’ment position that all of the brightly colored eggs have been located and are in custody at press time.

Of the more than 4.3 billion eggs estimated to have been hidden in the United States alone on Saturday, April 19, an impressive 4 billion have been recovered, mostly by small children, leaving roughly 3 million listed as missing in action. Gov’ment sources would neither confirm or deny details gathered and placed at their feet. None would return phone calls as of the weekend.

“What we have here is an attempted cover-up, an evil game of hide and seek,” said citizen’s advocate Bertie Libb, known more for her rosy red hair and bottle blonde complexion than for her ability to count. “Despite vacancies at all levels we will continue to embrace the Bill of Rights.”

That document, one of the American artifacts falling victim to Patriot Act looters of late, has been attributed to the stinging pen of the Easter Bunny, a known meglo-maniac and member of the Rhode Island Communist Party. He is reportedly being held in a black and white room at the Guantanamo Gulag awaiting trial on charges of treason and littering.

“He tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000,” said a former supporter who now heads up the Pea Green Homeland Security Agency “Terrorism comes in all shapes and colors. We must be ready to defend our freedoms and kill people who disagree with us.”

Gov’ment officials prefer to use the term undetermined when dealing with eggs, as well as collateral civilian battlefield casualties, because more and more Americans don’t care and cannot do simple math.

“Why hit them with staggering figures on the evening news and ruin their supper,” said one of the President’s college buddies, now Ambassador to Kuwait. “Undetermined is a softer, more gentle approach to calculations that will only be forgotten when tangled up with the real life interaction common to the evening’s popular sit-coms.

Critics of the Easter Egg hunt say it’s just an attempt to divert the nation from a top-heavy, crumbling economy.

“Accusations that the Easter Bunny has links to rodent groups is poppycock,” said Libb. “Sure he dated Yassar Arafat’s younger sister but that doesn’t dictate his politics. It’s the whistle blowing over Enron scandals that has gotten his cotton tail in hock. By the time he gets out of jail he’ll be one old rabbit.”

Security forces have promised to kick down doors from California to Maine in search of the missing eggs.

In a related piece the entire Democratic wing of the United States Congress has also been reported missing since the War on Terror was stepped up following the 9/11 attacks. According to surviving pages in the Senate, the Democrats are keeping their collective heads down so as to avoid fall-out from manufactured public opinion and claims of glorious victories over world terrorism.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“It will be a war between the elephant and the tiger. If the tiger ever stands still the elephant will crush him with his mighty tusks. But the tiger does not stand still. He lurks in the jungle by day and emerges only at night. He will leap upon the back of the elephant  tearing large chunks from its side and then he will leap back into the deep, dark jungle. Then slowly, the elephant will bleed to death. That will be the war in Indo-China.”

– Ho Chi Minh to American journalist, David Shoenbrun, September 11, 1946.