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PURITANS LAND IN MASS. EN MASSE

(Salem — 1928) A large group of dark-clad, clearly anxious pilgrims calling themselves Puritans have landed on the rocky coast near Marblehead just to the east of here. According to eye witnesses within the indigenous population the funny looking aliens wore stiff collars and wool dress despite the harsh summer weather.

Estimates say there were over 300 of the bug-eyed, somber arrivals. While the actual landing was carried off in an organized manner, several of those present worked until dark unloading crates of guilt which they intended to share with the natives. The New World guilt was processed on the island of Monserrat by Irish slave children, survivors of the Cromwell wars. Much of the cargo replaced reason and compassion on the wooden ships.

“We just ran out of room and opted to keep our weapons, our rigid ideas and a good helping of guilt so as to embrace the future for continental generations to come,” said Orville Pulpitt, an elder said to favor hair shirts and is prone to epic sermons. Unfamiliar with a sextant (which was invented in 1731) Pulpitt took to calling out the demons in the sea and splashing himself with salt water in what some say was an attempt to control seizures brought on by an advanced case of the scurvy.

Puritan missionary work in North America

It is not known if this brand of Calvinism would take root in the New World or if the Roundheads, long persecuted in England, would tolerate other religious ideologies in the forests of New England. Already rumors reaching Europe tell of witch burnings and castigation of fringe/liberal church members.

One member of local Pennacook tribe expressed concern about the new neighbors, saying they appeared pompous and judgmental despite the peaceful message in their sacred guidebook. He plans to move north to avoid potential conflict with the zealots.   

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Coaxing rain drops on a dry Colorado afternoon is like raising the flag on a lover who has fallen asleep.”

– Susanne Composte

MORATORIUM ON PROPERTY EXCHANGE PASSES

(Crested Butte) A controversial and potentially lethal ordinance, that prohibits the exchange of mountain property after January, has gained the approval of the town council here. In a town long known for an innovative approach to commerce, the decision was received calmly by most. However, anger and confusion reigned within the real estate sector and in other fringe interest groups engaged in land speculation and tumbleweed investments.

The moratorium could achieve stability in land prices since no one can buy or sell property after the deadline. Supporters of the plan say it will weed out the profiteers and transform the local population into one dominated by people who simply want to enjoy living here. The brave, new world will then be populated by people who have purchased land and homes simply to live in and not short-term profit.

“It should improve our lifestyles significantly,” said one council member who is in favor of the concept.

Opponents of plan say it is ridiculous to infringe on the rights of private property and that it is un-American to attempt to control free trade.

“It’s like rent control in the cities and even worse,” said one realtor who admitted that she would have to pack up and move to Paonia if the ordinance goes into effect.

One thing appears certain: If the ordinance prohibiting land transfers is adopted the market will be brisk this fall. The green light does not yet affect Crested Butte South, Mount Crested Butte or an assortment of outlying communities, but rumblings in many of these environs suggests that year-round populations there will follow suit in solidarity with the Crested Butte design.

“Let the soil panderers make a healthy pay check or two before their little world comes crashing down,” said one unreliable source.

The realtors have scheduled a meeting for Wednesday night in hopes of solidifying an effort against the moratorium.

In other council notes the governing group voted to pave their driveways by December and to give licensed dogs the vote in 2020.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

When Lulu Belle Hit Town

For all the world’s attention

She picked a tumble-down

old village off the road maps

when Lulu Belle hit town.

The boys all paid attention

to her beauty tightly wound.

She lingered near their wallets

when Lulu Belle hit town.

Long winter landscape dreaming

stimulation for the clown

then up the ante once again

since Lulu Belle hit town.

How could she be so heartless?

How could she let them down?

Hot love affairs soared high, then crashed

When Lulu Belle hit town.

She never made a promise

She only hung around

The men folk did the rest of it

When Lulu Belle hit town.

And broken hearted acres

of tears and chronic frown

left hayseeds crying in their beer

When Lulu Belle left town.

– Kevin Haley

Pickin’ in the afternoon

Local musicians playing bluegrass in front of Castle Creek Guitars in Gunnison after rodeo.

SWISS TO HOST DEM CONVENTION

Showcasing its total confusion of globalist politics, the Democratic National Committee has unanimously elected to move their 2020 convention from San Francisco to Zurich, Switzerland. This will give the countries involved in the European Union experiment a showing of solidarity from the United States and its application of false agenda conforming to an isolationaist one world order of disorder.

Pumped up by the endorsement in such a deteriorating time, the EU asked its top notch news reporters to come up with a press release/package to announce this odd arrangement to the world.

Chosen for the task was a young writer Maximillian Sludge, a German sausage reporter who has never reported a story with a substantive proof of truth.

After two days of deliberation and many cups of foul tasting caffeine drug drinks, the young writer printed his headline in the Zurich papers.

It read: SWITZERLAND SWITCHES FROM NEUTRAL TO REVERSE

Officials in Zurich had no comment on the relocation.

Colombia wins group 1 – 0 over Senegal

Falcao and “James” celebrate after advancing to the next stage in the 2018 World Cup. Despite penalties and injuries Colombia will play either Belgium or England on July 3.