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Dumber than the Horseshoe

Here’s a portion of the reel nuze from out there…

Bovine domino effect cow trips, player hurt

(Ankara, Turkey) Ethem Sahin thought his friends were kidding when they told him how he ended up in the hospital. But they witnessed the cow fall through the roof of the coffee house where they were playing dominoes and knock Sahin unconscious.

     “My friends told me later what happened. I couldn’t believe it,” Sahin told the Anatolia News agency.

     Sahin was treated in the hospital for a broken leg and needed seven stitches in his forehead after the freak accident Tuesday in the central Anatolian city of Nevsehir.

     The cow apparently wandered from the hillside where it was grazing onto the roof of the coffee house, which was built into the side of the hill. Its status is unknown.

     “Freak accident, my sit-downer,” said one of Sahin’s friends. “This kind of thing happens all the time.”

Child cited for putting P in park

stolen from the New York Daily News

(New Jork) Three-year-old Harry Branch-Shaw really, really had to pee. So he did what most kids his age would do–he found a tree and let go.

     Then a city parks officer did what most cops probably wouldn’t: He gave the tyke a $50 summons. Actually Harry isn’t old enough, so his nanny was cited instead.

     “The whole thing seems so absurd,” said mom Gigi Branch-Shaw.

     The pee pee crime spree unfolded Friday when Harry and a friend decided to have a play date in a park on a sparkling summer day. Harry is potty trained but all of the excitement must have made him ignore nature’s warning signs. As the crisis progressed the pre-schooler actually started for a nearby public toilet but his nanny realized he was not going to make it in time.

     “It was either that or wet his pants,” said his mom, who works as a sausage packer over in Brooklyn.

     The nanny, who demanded anonymity, had barely finished helping the boy pull up his pants when the parks officer walked up and started writing the ticket.

     The officer, whose name appears on the ticket as “J. Perez” , demanded the young woman, a legal immigrant from West Africa, show him some identification. She refused then relented when another cop politely explained that she should cooperate.

     “She’s lucky we don’t call in social services,” said a police spokesman.

     As for Harry, “He thought it was a fun thing, with the two police officers,” said Gigi Branch-Shaw. It is unlikely Harry will be placed on probation unless he is deemed a potential repeat offender.

     The family doesn’t plan to take the tinkle transgression lying down. Harry and his mom plan to contest the matter.

Study: Booze, tobacco pervade cartoons

(Waukegan IL) A study of 81 G-rated animated features from 1937 to 2000 found that nearly half show characters using alcohol or tobacco–some to excess.

     The analysis by the Harvard School of Public Health was published in the June issue of the journal Pedriatrics. The authors said the review is not meant to suggest that such films should be avoided, but that it could be used by parents to discuss the dangers of alcohol and tobacco as their children watch. Often negative roll models are already in place within the family unit, acting as bad examples, and kids can watch them too.

     The review suggests that the use of alcohol and tobacco in animated films may be declining. Of 20 recently made films 12 contained no tobacco use, compared with nine in an earlier bunch.

     “It’s a relief to know that in at least our analysis, we notice a downward trend, said Fumie Yokota, one of the authors of the study.

     Still, she added, parents should know that a significant portion of the movies available on video do not portray the long-term consequences of using tobacco and alcohol.

     “Let’s face it,” said another author. “These cartoons are just a bunch of drunks. Why can’t anyone make a children’s film about the delirium tremors or lung cancer. Imagine Daffy Duck on an iron lung or Woody Woodpecker watching rats run up the curtains, restrained in his hospital bed.”

     In the review 15 of the 38 films showing alcohol use (40 percent) suggested excessive use or abuse through hiccups, staggering or flushed faces. 13 of the 35 films showing tobacco use (37 percent) showed a physical effect such as coughing or turning green.

     The films ranged from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” in 1937 to “The Tigger Movie” last year.

     Included were such films as The Hunchback of Notre Dame (26 seconds of alcohol use and 23 seconds of tobacco use); 101 Dalmatians (26 seconds alcohol, 6 minutes and 27 seconds tobacco); and The Little Mermaid (7 seconds of tobacco).

     So that’s what they’re up to over at Harvard.

     One critic of the study, Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the University of Downtown Delta had this to say about the matter:

     “Have these academians nothing else with which to fill their daylight hours? There are leaves to pick up in the park and weapons to clean. What nonsense. They didn’t undress the subject of nudity (Donald and Daisy Duck for instance) in Disney films, nor did they approach the subject of anger management (ala Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam) in Warner Brothers cartoons. Sadly, we must conclude that these cartoon examiners must be aliens, possibly from Neptune or Pluto. Don’t they realize that there is nothing funny about sipping and puffing. The humor has always been retrieved by how the character responds. I hope this study didn’t cost much.”

– edited by Kashmir Horseshoe

     

Ice Park Officials Nix Skeet Shoot

(Ouray) Organizers of the January Ice Festival here say they have decided against including accessory competition in this year’s venue. Several fringe groups had suggested the addition of skeet shooting, an alpine marathon climb and even a paintball competition at the end of the closing ceremonies.

The skeet shooting, or trap shooting, as it is sometimes called was proposed by a local gun club which suggested that the inclusion might expand interests levels and draw a larger, more robust crowd to the ice park.

“They were serious,” said one climber. “They wanted to issue each climber a shotgun which would be slung over the shoulder while the ascent was on. At the appropriate moment clay targets would be flung into the air, presumably from metal-sprung traps on the adjacent rock wall and climbers would attempt to knock them out of the sky to score points.”

The athletic endeavor takes great skill and aptitude according to proponents of the expansion.

“We decided against the skeet-shoot competition due to concerns over noise and the safety of participants and audience members,” said the official. “The last thing we need up there is stray bullets or clay targets falling on someone.”

The marathon climb, an event suggested by the local mountain rescue team was tabled until next year due to private land access problems and U. S. Forest Service permits needed to proceed.

“The marathon would be constructed in a full circle with climbers covering some 120 miles of ice, which requires quite a lot of water,” continued the official. “This would allow us to include the communities of Telluride, Silverton and Lake City and create even more interest in our winter event.”

The official had no comment on rumors of paintball wars being included in the weekend’s activities.

Elf Profiling Nets Viagra Bust

(Christmas Island)) Police here have arrested a dozen elves charging them with smuggling. The contraband, three kilos of viagra, was discovered during a routine stop. The elves say they were victims of profiling. The cops say their brake lights were out.

Distrust of strangers has always been part of the local culture here, especially on December 26 when the island is deluged with Christmas refugees like exhausted elves and cynical reindeer.

We don’t know what will happen to the elves, and frankly could give a damn. It was the headline that had potential.

If Santa intends to maintain his position of grandeur during the holidays, he must control his entourage. Every year citizens are subjected to foul language, brawling and petty theft. Last December we even observed three elves taking a leak off the roof of our newsroom.

Now, as many of you are aware, there is a big debate about elves in prison. Liberals whine saying the proportions indicate disparity of economic opportunity and outright racism. Crap.

The last thing we need to go with the Christmas hype is a bunch of crude little men, often inebriated, roaming the rooftops. Santa, dude, control your wee helpers. We are well armed and tired of their arrogance.

-Tommy Middlefinger

FISH AND CHIPS CONCERN BUYS HORSESHOE

(Montrose) The Oliver Cromwell Fish and Chips chain has reportedly purchased the San Juan Horseshoe for an estimated $1800 according to a copyright story in The Pea Green Peeper The Liverpool chain, which operates outlets throughout the former British Empire, is worth a estimated 45 billion dollars, without chips and balsamic vinegar.

O.C.’s, as the company is known from Rangoon to Thunder Bay, does not plan to publish the popular newspaper after December 15. The purchase was made strictly to acquire dead file/back issues which are said to number some 4 to 5 million. They are reportedly stored in a secret passageway underneath the town of Parlin, Colorado.

According to one reporter, who has worked at the Horseshoe since its inception in 1977, the publishers have had a lot of trouble keeping delivery personnel and the number of undelivered copies “just kind of got away from us”.

The Cromwell people feel that wrapping their fish and chips in old Horseshoe issues will go over well in former colonies since the inhabitants there speak English and are often fascinated by the American West.

-Nemo Strong Rod

USFS TO PULL ASTROTURF

(Denver) The National Forests will be free of leftover, forgotten Astroturf by winter according to the official word from the Department of the Interior. In a long-awaited announcement a spokesman, at the regional office here, confirmed that the removal of the dangerous material would begin as early as next week.

Before the agency can actually tear out the synthetic grass replacement, it must shoulder the task of removing snow. Although the white stuff has been sparse so far this fall it is still a monumental task at best. Already gov’ment agents have combed the public houses in search of a labor force. Over 500 snowplows are expected by the weekend, many dropped from helicopters or acquisitioned from local peasants.

According to an official document the USFS says it has condemned forest floors in San Juan, Uncompahgre, Gunnison, Mesa and White River National Forests. Isolation of elusive Astroturf colonies in the other forests will follow.

“We wanted to begin the demolition in areas far away from the major population centers in case we foul up the works,” said Maggie Pye, a forest service officer who admittedly has not been in the woods since 1984. “I can’t get away from my desk but I get to wear the official uniform and all,” she quipped. “I even get to carry a gun to lunch.”

The action appears to be a result of a gov’ment study on the health of animals currently residing on the federal land. Since the installation of the Astroturf, knee injuries among the elk population have doubled while the lighter deer have been almost injury free under normal conditions. When it rains or snows that changes drastically.

“We’ve had more mule deer in rehab since 1985, when that carpet was added to the woodland ecology, than we had since we started counting the animals,” said Pye. “The majority of the moose suffer from knee injuries too.”

Other smaller animals, and even a black bear or two, have suffered career-ending damage as a result of the Astroturf that does not release at impact.

“Just the other morning several of us watched as a snowshoe rabbit planted his paw in an attempt to elude a mountain lion, continued the source. “Then we heard a snap…it was his little knee and the rabbit was lunch. After a few years’ exposure to the elements, the Astroturf turns to a slippery clay-like substance when it gets wet. We’ve no choice but to pull the stuff up or build a dome over the forest.”

“Sure it’s virtually maintenance free and looks great from above but it’s only a small step up from asphalt. In addition it’s inedible and the larger mammals have trouble sleeping on it. I blame the engineering department for the whole mess.”

The original expense incurred when the Astroturf was first laid came in at about $620,000. The cleanup is projected at slightly higher.

“But that takes into account inflation over the past 15 years,” said Pye. “Either way, we think it’s a good deal for the taxpayer. I just can’t wait to see the look of the bears’ faces when they wake up to real grass in the spring.”

The Astroturf tailings will be stored at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal near Golden until it goes away.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Red Mountain Enchanting as Winter Awaits its Chilly Window

Red Mountain Enchanting as Winter Awaits its Chilly Window

Red Mountain Pass is still in autumn attire waiting for winter. Moisture is expected next week.