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MASSIVE RUBBER DEPOSITS DISCOVERED UNDER SNODGRASS MOUNTAIN

(Crested Butte) An incredible rubber vein, possibly the continent’s largest, was unearthed at the base of Snodgrass Mountain yesterday. Surveyors mapping the area as part of a ski area expansion were shocked to find large specimens of the sticky rare ore just lying around on the ground.

“Upon further investigation we located massive caverns whose walls were made of almost pure rubber ore,” said Melvin Leopold, world renown mucker and long time veterinarian for the Flying Farcheezie Family. “After roaming through these tunnels and caves nobody wanted to survey anymore. The boys were having far too much fun bouncing off the walls and snatching souvenirs.”

The announcement has sent shock waves through the mining industry as Pay-Max; a giant mining concern that owns many local claims quickly sent top executives to Crested Butte to have a look. Already they are insisting that they retain all rights to Snodgrass Mountain and Gothic Mountain to the northwest. One Pay-Max spokesman told The Horseshoe that if the strike is all it appears to be, the community could see an assortment of mines and mills up and going by fall.

“Here we’ve been hanging out watching molybdenum prices go through the ceiling and now we stumble over the largest rubber reserves on the planet. It just goes to show you that the rich were born that way for a reason!”

Meanwhile, over at Vail-I70 primitive plans to harvest the rubber hit a dead end as it looks like one of the team forgot to secure the mineral rights to the Snodgrass-Gothic corridor from the United States Forest Service.

“We have one vice-president whose only responsibility is to take care of these kinds of things,” said one ski area exec. “What the hell has she been doing all these years? Skiing?”

We attempted to reach the USFS for a comment late this morning, but everyone had not arrived for work yet or had already gone home for the day.

The ski area plans to fight the mining interest, saying that the extraction of rubber from far below the earth would not be compatible with smooth ski slopes or safe foundations on condos planned for the area.

                                                                                  – Uncle Pahgre

We will be reading excerpts of the recently hobbled Mueller Report every evening through July at Colona Railway Bistro. Log Hill Fawn and Flume. See you there!

High Country Tidbits

Vacant Lot to close doors

(Montrose) Vacant Lot Magazine, for years a leader among local publications, has announced it will publish its last issue in November. Good management blamed the failing and ultimate closure on bad management. The crisis was intensified by the poor distribution of vacant lots on the Western Slope, a chore that demands lots of drive time and makes travel quite expensive.

Citing public apathy toward the kinds of vacant lots featured in their meaningless stories the staff expressed shame at not doing a better job and anger at losing their high paying positions.

“All the public wants anymore are more stories about truckers driving backwards and mountain lions. It’s all very sick,” said an attractive, young photographer who plans to sell prints of her award-winning vacant lots shots, and engage in occasional prostitution, until something else comes along.

Some of us plan to kill ourselves but most have decided to look for a no-responsibility position locally,” said a former editor. Where’s a guy like me going to make $90,000 around here for writing a few architectural reviews or history crap? There are just too few vacant lots to make a go of it anymore,” he whined.

Another annoyance comes wrapped in political correctness. The gov’ment defines vacant lot as a small piece of property, generally within the confines of a city or town that was once developed but is now abandoned. In urban areas it is often blacktopped while in rural areas often goes to seed, weed or feed, unless it rains.

Just overnight Vacant Lot could no longer cover vacant lots that were not technically vacant lots.

“That just about did us in on its own,” said the editor, “but then when you consider the changes in the industry it’s a wonder we’re paying the light bill. * “Everything is four-color fluff these days…No real guts! No depth. The package is nice while our paper stands, stark naked, one grade above the kind you find in public rest rooms, and besides, vacant lots have always been a black and white kind of thing. They rarely result in slick textures and crisp color layouts.”

*In truth Vacant Lot owes San Miguel Power about $2011.98 from June and July.

Making Fun of Tourist’s Legs Could Net $50 Fine

(Silverton) People who laugh at or ridicule the legs of summer visitors here could face a steep fine and, in aggravated cases imprisonment according to Colorado Brie Country, an organ for the state tourist industry.

Already in July there have been over 20 tickets issued on Greene Street alone. On Blair Street/Empire the number is significantly less, at least after dark while there have been no recorded incidents elsewhere in the town.

“We had some bum hanging out near the courthouse for a few nights but, as it turned out, he didn’t care about tourists’ legs,” said a CBC source.

The tickets, which look like everyday parking tickets are quite popular as souvenirs and, in fact, are sold in many of the shops here. Money collected from the enforcement of this statewide edict will be handed over to charity.

Just what constitutes a punishable laugh, mockery or derision is still unclear and up to the discretion of the police department.

“We will make few exceptions when dealing with this kind of behavior,” said one officer.

“It’s about time the state officials did something about this kind of thing,” said a woman from Manitoba whose legs resembled twice-frozen broccoli spears.

“Sure is!” chirped a stork-like older gentlemen from the Black Forest.

“For years we’ve suffered through with our tormentors growing stronger by the day,” added another visitor, “I just wish the old folks were here to see this day.”

-Atila Diggins

 

The Pea Factory Dialogue:

“How are you doing, mister,” he says

“’Day,,” says the man, his share of thin hair as sere as the marram grass.

“Listen, tell us,” says Eneas, “do you know why there’s them peas all over the strand?”

“Eh?” says the man.

“The feckin’ ould beach is covered with peas, do you not see them?”

“Ah, yes,” says the man, “of course that’s the factory.”

“The what?”

“The pea factory up the river. Don’t the leavings of it come spilling down here? We’re so used to them we don’t see them.”

-from The Whereabouts of Eneas McNulty by Sebastian Barry

NEW TRAIL SHOE INCLUDES SCOOPER

(Crested Butte) The newly released Nike Air Crested Butte trail running shoe is outfitted with an Al Gore Liner, an aerosol cushioning system and advanced traction. It also has an innovative, built-in pooper scooper for use by the orderly, altruistic mountain runner.

Developers of the shoe felt that since they were marketing it in alpine areas the design and use should reflect year-round mountain living.

“If there’s anything year-round about this place it’s dog tailings, as canine road and meadow muffins are often called locally, said one marketing agent from the big city. “We just hope all this publicity doesn’t bring more dogs to Crested Butte.”

The pooper scoop is reportedly built directly into the bottom of the shoe. It attracts the less than desirable substance then stores it for up to 24-hours before aroma comes into play. The subtle and environmentally sound addition is not visible nor will it influence the runner’s performance. In addition, it will not adversely effect the health of other animals, including deer and elk.

“Sure, we’ve seen lots of shoes that will effectively pick up poop but they’re not the answer since the stuff falls off at will, often at inappropriate intervals,” said a local source. “This product does it all and terminates the need for high altitude athletes to keep their eyes on the ground.”

A spokesman for Nike had no comment when asked to elaborate on reputed plans to create a soft-soled yuppie vacuum loafer for 2020.

– Warren of Wexley    

Math Corner #611

Which is higher: The number of Democrats running for the presidential nomination or the number of runs it takes for the Colorado Rockies to defeat the Los Angeles Dodgers? Does the victory of June 28 mean we’re off the Dodgerschnide?

BONUS: What is the average number of worthless passwords imposed on the average consumer in the US today?

Congratulations Deer Creek Golf Course in Cedaredge

After surviving the worst drought in the history of the course, Deer Creek Golf Club is coming back strong. It’s amazing what a little seeding and a lot of water has done. The front nine is a mellow experience while the back nine challenges even the scratch golfer. Located in the foothills of Grand Mesa (20 miles north of Montrose) the micro-climate allows for 18 holes most months of the year. This is the diamond in the rough and the greens fees are quite reasonable considering the quality of play.

LOCAL NOOZE

Trucker drives from Ouray to Silverton…Backwards

(Red Mountain) An Oklahoma trucker has successfully negotiated the 23 miles between Ouray and Silverton, in the San Juan Mountains while in reverse gear. Les Abbey, 46 of Lawton cruised his 1964 modified diesel porterhouse-gear henway by rear view mirrors and a lot of heart up and down one of the more demanding natural courses on the planet. What’s even more astounding is that he did it in just under an hour.

“I couldn’t have done it with my trailer attached,” said Abbey who was arrested on his return trip (forward) at about dawn. He was charged with reckless driving, failure to dim lights and making fun of tourists’ little dogs while in Silverton.

This daredevil feat is the latest since May when police stopped patrolling the San Juan Triangle due the price of gasoline. Readers may recall the now legendary Swan Dive Incident which frightened mountain goats and sent ice climbers scurrying over Valentine’s Day or the semi that descended from Ironton on three wheels, rubber burning all the way to town, in March.

“Some people don’t have enough to do in the winter and others are just a pain in the ass,” said a local sheriff who is investigating the mischief as part of the annual summer crackdown.

Man-Eating Panther May Have Moved On

(Telluride) The large black panther that has been roaming the region between Alta Lakes and Blue Lakes has not been seen for about two weeks, leading authorities to believe he has moved on. The hungry, aggressive predator is blamed for the deaths of at least nine people since April.

“At first we didn’t know if it was a cougar, a catamount, a puma, a mountain lion or a panther,” said one official gov’ment tracker. “Our hands were tied until a specific tag could be established. When we heard back from some agency or the other the cat was well on his way to eating himself a starting baseball team. By then it was too late.”

Although not generally dangerous to man, mountain lions are powerful and intelligent enough to catch a whiff of their prey, sneak up silently, pounce from cover and drag a human into the bush for lunch, especially when the ground is wet. The ancients didn’t call them hippolestes, or horse killers for nothing. Hungry cats like this are rarely spotted so close to civilization but the reality of foothill suburbs and expanding recreational facilities has infringed on traditional prowling territories.

“We think he moved over toward Durango where there has always been a lot of unsuspecting game this time of the year,” said the tracker of the panther.

“When the open hold was filled with young cattle, packed as tightly as they could stand, the owners with their wives or sisters, who go with them so as to prevent extravagance in Galway, jumped down on the deck and the voyage was begun.”

– John Millington Synge The Aran Islands. (circa 1900).