RSSAll Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

DUTCH CHARLIE APPREHENDED IN ARGENTINA

(Buenos Aires) An accused former SS officer known only as Dutch Charlie has been arrested in Argentina. The elderly culprit is allegedly the same Dutch Charlie that served in an elite Nazi unit in Poland during World War II. He is expected to be deported to Germany where he will stand trial for crimes against humanity.

Embarrassingly enough, a few years ago the state of Colorado may have named a reservoir near Ridgway, Colorado after the same man.

“That’s a lie,” said Melvin Von Toole. “Our Dutch Charlie was a brain-dead bureaucrat from Lamar. He pushed a pencil for the BLM through the Fifties then later functioned as a double agent for Colorado Parks and Recreation until his retirement in 1993. We think he’s living outside of Mexican Hat.”

Upon further examination we found no trace of this second Dutch Charlie in the Beehive State.

“When the state named the reservoir after this Dutch Charlie guy local residents were aghast,” said H.L. Menoken, a local gull canner and free-lance ukulele tuner who gave his address as “just up the road. “Nobody had a clue as to what or who they were referring. Cripes, they could have named the place after Otto Mears or even Chief Colorow.”

A spokesman for the state further denied implications that law enforcement policy at the reservoir was based on an SS manual.

“It seems that there’s a lot of denial around the shores of this Pa-Cha-Ku-Ku-Ka-Chu-Pey place,” continued Menoken. “Is that the capital of North Korea or South Korea?”

It is not known if the recent disclosures will effect plans to fill the reservoir with Bavarian Mimosas for Columbus Day, as has been the tradition for longer than anyone can remember.

– Crepes Suzette

      

TOWN CLOCK TO RUN 24 HOURS

(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Daylight Savings Club the Ouray Town Clock will now keep time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing.

“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers.”

Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the task when the clock runs short of juice.

“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray.”

Gunnison close to gold

The Gunnison River rolls through changing colors along Highway 50 west of town

Champion Fly Swatter in Town

(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin Toolefly is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.   

Toolefly’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.

Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during a recent interview with The Gunnison Times.

“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” praised the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands. No electric zappers, no fly paper, no SWAT team…He just did it with perseverance and guts. Lots of guts.”

A bit jumpy, Toolefly sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.

– Rocky Flats

Highway Crews Lay Asphalt Backwards

(Montrose) Crews building a new stretch of highway south of here have apparently poured some 400 tons of asphalt on the road upside down, according to a supervisor at the Colorado Department of Transportation in Denver. The asphalt, which covers about two miles of new highway, will have to be pulled back up and reapplied right-side up.

     Scuttlebutt on the job site suggests that the asphalt may have arrived from Denver in this topsy-turvy condition and without ample directions for use. One worker even went so far as to say that the asphalt had been previously employed on the “interstate to nowhere” between the metro area and Fort Morgan along I-76 in Northeast Colorado.

     “Hey, we all know that the boss has a squeeze over in Olathe,” said a burly heavy equipment operator. “I think he purposely sabotaged the job to ensure himself another week or two of courting.”

     Meanwhile, crews are faced with the tedious chore of pulling up the asphalt over the weekend. it is estimated that traffic will be held up

But were they made in China?

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