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OUT OF THIS WORLD

Extraterrestrial visits up 

(Silverton) The number of alien visitors to Western Colorado increased almost 40% over last fall according to watchdog groups focusing on non-traditional tourism. The biggest jumps came in the communities of Silverton and Ouray where extraterrestrials mobbed restaurants and shops sending sales tax figures through the roof of the cosmos.

“They especially liked western clothing, you know, cowboy duds,” said one merchant on Greene Street. “They bough hats and boots like they were going out of style. They bought everything on credit cards even if the duds didn’t fit their oddly-rounded heads and branch-like feet.”

A carnival atmosphere lingered in nearby Ouray all the way through December with alien couples. traveling without off-spring making up a majority of the crowd.

“They came to see the autumn colors and stayed hoping to catch the first snowfall,” according to jeep tour operators who added that the aliens were much more knowledgeable and far more generous than other traditional summer groups.

According to tourist information statistics one out of every three train passengers was from outer space while almost 90% of the above highway air traffic was composed of people from other planets and solar systems.

“Their nervous little dogs were a bit much,” quipped one information booth jockey, “and they were armed with the same questions as tourists from the flatlands of earth. Sure, the conversation gets old but they has cash in hand.

“Aliens are not cheap and compared to other visitors are not afraid to spend money,” said a bartender at the Miner’s Tavern. “They’d come through the door somewhat anxious at first but after they saw the scene here they were quick to relax and get into it. We even had a few in the Friday pool tournaments.”

While other communities reported a slight increase in inter-planetary sojourns San Juan and Ouray Counties appear to have benefited most from the stopovers.

“Many of them were on their way to Las Vegas or the Grand Canyon and we are a convenient call,” said the information specialist. “They look different to be sure but no stranger than a lot of our clientele over the years. Some have even checked out the real estate but were often run off by the prices.”

In a related incident the Executive Board of Spatial Profile and Redistribution of Wealth has concluded that the fastest way to peace on the planet earth is to remove greedy elements from the population. Most members of the Trump Administration are already gone and a master hit list has been circulated throughout the immediate region. To see if your name is on the list please call 1-800-HOW-MUCH.

Burger Giant Offers “Soylent Greens”

(Obesity Springs) Pop culture icon and fast food baron Ronald McDonald has announced a new menu item aimed at appealing to healthier Americans. The addition, called Soylent Green will replace salads and low-fat items currently offered in his restaurants.

Soy burgers and turnip fries have fallen on their respective faces, with consumers abandoning long held routines in search of less healthy experiences in the drive-up lane. McDonald and his cast of clowns feels strongly that soylent green will fill the void between fats and sugar while giving its customers something new to chew on.

“The availability of this innovative sustenance, a cutting-edge recycled organic substance, is a driving force in the decision to embrace this new age cuisine. The recent GOP provoked chucking of corpus delicti statutes hasn’t hurt us either.”

Nutritionists say that while the new food is soggy, it is quite green and, after continued exposure, will be accepted by hungry consumer robots much like the hot dog.

“Go West, young man. It smells like a feedlot around here.”

– Horace Greeley

SNOW GODS CONVENE

Continued from “The Long Underworld”

…and just leave it all in the hands of our North American couterpart, Awonawilona. The Pueblos know all about this part of the country.

Thor: I’m getting pissed off. This taking too long. Once again, I am not in favor of cloud seeding in any manner and would like to see a show of hands. All in favor of dumping on them say Yeah!
All gods: Yeah!

Balder: “That settles that. We’ll bury the Rockies in yards of snow until at least April. Six days and six nights of snow to start with, then some sun, then more snow. Every night and all night in March. And now the chair recognizes Ull, god of skiing, winter and hunting.

Ull: Are we going to let on to the humans that the big chill is about to befall them?

Odin: Let me answer that. If we tell the humans about all the snow they will just try to pile it up in the middle of their streets, or try to spin it into gold. I say keep quiet and let the flakes go their way. Sooner or later they will figure out that they’re in for quite a winter.

Thor: Agreed. Why tell them anything? They get it all wrong anyway. They think we’re mythological but that their gods are real. By the way, where is that guy in the sandals? You know the liberal one from down around the Dead Sea…I thought he’d be here.

Ull: But he does not know snow.

Balder: We don’t need his help with the weather but he could spend some time straightening out a few of his followers, and maybe he could have a little talk with Mohammed as well.

Vali: All in good time. When the great floods come in the spring they will have to recognize our legitimacy or be washed away. Did you have a question or comment, Aegir?

Aegir: Thank you Vali. I only wanted to ask “Is this some kind of Satyr?

Odin: Very funny, great god of the sea and brewing. But a better question might be: How can we get one of our guys appointed to the Supreme Court? Is anyone thirsty?

Thor: No mead until after business is concluded. Aegir attempts to steal my thunder and it’s making me very angry.

Odin: All right, that’s quite enough. We’re all snow gods here and we should be able to get along. To reiterate: Everyone is in agreement. We will bury Colorado in snows higher than the walls of Babylon, deeper than the ancient rivers of Mesopotamia…whiter than…

Ull: Excuse me Odin but you’ve made your point and we all need to be getting back to Valhala. Even though we’re gods it’s getting dark and the roads are full of reindeer and elk.

Odin: I’m not quite finished, Ull. Is the big, bad god of winter afraid of a few little deer? (Clearing his throat) So it looks like it’s time to get out the mukluks. In closing I would like to thank everyone for coming to our annual winter meetings and extend a special thanks to Cuchulainn and Finn MacCool for the delicious stew.

One good reason to enjoy winter

Mt Abram welcomes motorists to Ouray on Highway 550,

CHINA COULD CUT OFF FISH STICK EXPORTS

Aid to Puerto Rico will just have to wait

Just over a year ago China recorded a major public relations victory in the Caribbean by unveiling a mega plan to rescue Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria left the island in ruins on September 20, 2017.

Now it risks alienating everyone in the region by threatening to cut off his or her fish sticks. The unidentified ocean product made to look like a stick is, like beans and rice and johnnycakes, a major staple to the people here.

“Why catch and clean a fish when I can buy frozen replica right there at the grocery store?” asked one woman who insisted that her family could not survive without the frozen facsimile.

The Chinese figured that with little effort they could make new friends and make Trump look bad. The President and his staff were chronically slow in coming the aid of what is virtually an American colony. Readers will recall the footage of the President merrily tossing paper towels to traumatized victims of the storm. Racist overtones were as thick as an oil pipeline.

“China has been quick to expand its sphere of influence in Africa and Southeast Asia,” said a respected public official in San Juan, “and the Caribbean is ripe for investment and exploitation. “We have seen what happens when a culture sells off its natural resources for trinkets and modern conveniences.”

Thousands of families lost their homes when Maria landed her vicious right cross. Residential areas are still suffering. Transportation is still not back to normal. Blue tarps are still covering thousands of homes, especially in the central mountains.

“This obvious grandstanding by an enemy of freedom will in no way detour our plans for the complete recovery of the island,” said a Trump appointee on the ground in Puerto Rico. “If China thinks she can showcase our impotent response to the disaster and insensitivity to human suffering they’ve got another think coming.”

It gets uglier: In late 2017 the Red Cross had collected 71 million dollars for Puerto Rican relief and yet the agency said it did not have the money to help the island’s inhabitants. Then earlier this year “friends in the Congress” granted lucrative contracts to US firms to provide food and shelter to Maria’s victims. Despite the transfer of funds little has actually been done, especially for the poorer residents.

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”

– Gracie Allen

Voter Turnout Akin to Wash Day

(Dayton, Ohio) Statistics compiled during the mid term elections confirm suspicions that more people did their laundry than showed up at the polls on November 6. The domestic chore of clothes washing won out by just a few percentage points—an improvement over 2016.

Is this the 49% that the two-party campaign pimps have been bragging about?

Sociologists contend the behavior indicates that voters would rather have clean clothes than elect clean leaders in the House and Senate. Many feel disconnected to the political process and prefer to spend time and attention on domestic and janitorial matters that they can control.

“Who could blame these people considering the terrible choices that both parties present,” asked Bert Cheer, proprietor of Bert’s Scrub and Wash, reputed to be the largest commercial/retail laundromat on the planet. “I’ve seen gray polo shirts more interesting than the issues presented to the voters. These politicians keep talking but offer no answers. I’ve seen worn-out  bloomers with far more imagination and insight.”

When asked why potential voters couldn’t wash their socks and cast their vote on the same trip to town one researcher suggested that it would be too much for most.

“Like a hungry man too lazy to cook some folks have enough trouble getting the right change and separating the whites from the colors,” she said. “To ask them to multi-task in this manner would clearly blow a fuse in their poorly managed lives. Maybe if the gov’ment added bleach or fabric softener they would pay more attention to their democracy.”

– Tar Sands

ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY

We have grown tired of extending post-seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the extended holidays we will reach deep and try to delouse a few feathers once more. First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing on our December website regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste.

Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that they could be easily procured. With the prints somewhere out in cyberspace we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City “Holidays on the Rocks” and some color pictures of local cheerleaders hanging Christmas lights at our many private prisons.

Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens who, in most cases, seem to be able to handle their rum without incident. Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetle ribs, Twinkies and swamp grass is fact. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s dietitian.

 Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are curtailed by executive privilege. We did not say that his immediate family was comprised of drug addicts, only that the current inhabitants of his family tree were junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics either since most are reputedly closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.

Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide.

– Editor