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Seat Belts Could Get Expiration Dates

(Denver) The state of Colorado has decided that not only will it honor expiration dates on everything from lampshades to canned goods but will push for legislation placing time limits on safe seat belt use.

Seat Belts have survived for ten or twenty years without official examination for side effects or tainted conditions. Trusting motorists often cruise along unaware of the mounting dangers.

“The gov’ment is still your little buddy,” said one highway patrol officer who won a trip to Disneyland for giving out 100,000 citations for seat belt infractions in August alone. One Grand Junction man received over 70 warnings before he got smart.

“What we have here is a serious matter of lawless consumption peppered with a dwindling respect for the law. Automotive restraining devices must be checked daily for wear. Everyone must cooperate and look the same on the road,” added the veteran officer who once gave his mom a ticket for slouching behind the wheel.

Consumer advocates , slow to respond to the seat belt crisis, say that air bags are their current focus. Champions of social homogeneity say most drivers don’t realize that the bags must be checked for pressure just like tires.

“A flat air bag is of no use to anyone,” said one source behind the cosmic meat counter. “The days of cheerful Gomer Pyle full service are over. Today’s motorist must familiarize himself with tread capacity enhancers and basic tire gauges. Theses can be conveniently stored under the seat adjacent to handguns.

In a related development, the U.S. Mouse of Representatives voted to suspend expiration dates on bottled water for the remainder of the session but to stamp a temporary restrictions on the consumption of aged scotch whiskey and old British gins.

“If there’s dust on the bottle throw it out,” said one millionaire legislator from South Dakota. “Sure it’s a senseless overture but it’s a matter of placate or perish. How else do you think we can get the corn bill passed this year? We expect all this to die in the Senate anyway due to allegiances to the Crown. The last thing the gentry there wants to do is upset Buckingham Palace right before the World Series.”

Meanwhile seat belt violations mount up with the criminal element recalcitrant to their own protection. In Montrose for instance, a 98-year-old, one-armed grandmother was cited for failure to display a seat belt on her wicker chair while operating a propane fly swatter at 2998 Yapping Dog Lane.

Later the same day three illegal aliens were ticketed for improprieties regarding minimal restraining apparatus on an unregistered concubine near LaSalle Road. The list goes on. Bears in Ouray seem oblivious to the law. Residents of Telluride have been issued permits allowing leash laws to compensate for lack of adherence during parking maneuvers.

And finally, in what could become the precedent for future enforcement, the Colorado Department of Health has sealed off the men’s room at Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Feedlot Mobile Home Park. Sources there say patrons have been in violation of safety codes there since the Spanish-American War. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”

– George Bernard Shaw   


The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

Brought to you in spectrum black and white by O’Hara’s Pink-Eye Ointment and Trough Oil. If it’s not O’Hara’s it’s not O’Hara’s.

(The scene: A tree house in East Africa, 1936)

Tarzan: Tarzan kick lion ass.

Jane: Tarzan, I’m surprised at you, using such vulgar language here in The Horseshoe. Don’t you know that our readers are sensitive and easily offended? Besides, you were lucky the lion backed off or you might be dinner for the whole pride.

Tarzan: What?

Jane: Now go and pick me some fresh bananas. It’s Cheetah’s birthday and I want to bake her a cake.

Tarzan: Tarzan call elephants, do job.

Jane: And that’s another thing. Who do you think you are exploiting the honorable elephant for your own ends.

Tarzan: Tarzan always call elephants…

Jane: Well those days are over, sailor. From now on we’ll be doing things the civilized way like they do in Britain. You do plan to wear a shirt for dinner don’t you? Boy and his wife will be joining us for tea…

Tarzan: Boy no care about shirt.

Jane: What? What did you say?

Tarzan: Tarzan kick lion ass good.


For top drawer analysis and further discussion of this segment please turn to Don’t tell me what I don’t already know on page 45.

Trump Middle East Club is no more

(Dubai) Drastic atmospheric pressure changes brought the tumultuous rains to the desert but a direct lightning hit and subsequent wild fire have been blamed for the colossal annihilation of the Palm Trump Towers here.

“There’s nothing left but sand and some red baseball caps,” said a former bookkeeper. The drastic phenomenon of intense rain and flooding led onlookers to ask if the world was coming to an end. Again, palaces, eateries and casinos next to the Trump property were untouched.

“It was if the tempest had eyes, its target clear in mind, when it let loose,” said the source. Trump was not on the scene. Aides told reporters he was hospitalized recovering from Puerto Rican Plague, a painful malady that causes the head to swell and the tongue to stop working. The family has blamed the episode on sullen employees, many of whom are recent immigrants.   

Meanwhile our White House is quite calm this morning

Avoiding the current drama of indictments and denials on Pennsylvania Avenue, our local White House Mountain appeared ultra-calm this morning, preparing to welcome the first real winter snow in the San Juans.

Champion Fly Swatter in Town

(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin O’ Toole is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.   

Toole’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.

Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during an interview with The Gunnison Times.

“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” said the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands.”

A bit jumpy, Toole sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.

– Rocky Flats

“The Maharaja of Gwalior killed over 1400 tigers in his lifetime and was the author of a work destined for a limited if select audience, “A Guide to Tiger Shooting.”  – from Freedom at Midnight by Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre.

Don’t dump it!