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Colorado to establish “Troubles Dumps”

(Denver) In a move to promote personal growth and general quality of life, the Rocky Mountain State has established the first of a projected 50 Trouble Dumps in population centers and at high risk locales.

Six initial Trouble Dumps are currently operating in test mode on the Confront Range where an advanced degree of trouble has been creeping around the mountain since bout 1975.

Experts contend that Colorado is sill the thinnest state and probably right up there is the happiest category too. This said leaders here hope to turn a progressive cheek and remain innovative when considering the well being of residents here.

“We want to stay on top and we do that by embracing cutting edge technology at every turn,” said a source in the governor’s office. “Whether the troubles of our residents are social, fiscal or even cultural, we will stand firm and respond quickly to issues that have plagued us for decades.”

The concept is really simple: Anyone who has ever been to the landfill or to a recycling center can dump their troubles without fear of judgment, observation or regression. Although bins are designated by “daily hassles”, “longterm bothers”, “lingering annoyances” or “unidentified anxieties” there are giant bins where a dumper can unload and abandon problems related to financial and political worries.

There are even bins in which to hurl unsuccessful diets, hair growing elixirs, scratched out lottery tickets, previously opened dairy products, worn out underwear, tamper-proof jigsaw puzzles, and cancelled credit cards.

“We hope to instruct the populace that while they sill encounter negative issues in their lives they have it pretty good compared to most of the planet’s population,” continued the gubernatorial source. “That’s where the tiny little trouble boxes and the unassuming designer bags on the fences are all about.”

The hitch-shedding facilities are expected to mushroom with the onset of winter season. Most will be open 8 to 3 with an early closure to insure daily mucking out of troubles thrown. The worries and tribulations will then be driven to undisclosed spots and buried with full honors attributed to any toxic waste or overwhelming personal strife.

The first Trouble Dumps to be established on the Western Slope are slated to to open by spring with state priority tags akin to highway maintenance and construction.

“Take a look at chuckholes on Interstate 70 and 25 and draw your own conclusions,” said the source. “It’s like taking a shower at the car wash.”

– Susie Compost


Afghani Engineers to Tour Ridgway

(Ridgway) A group of visiting Afghani civil engineers will be in Ridgway this week to observe recent road construction in the former railroad town. The contingent of visitors will monitor traffic patterns and interview residents affected by the lengthy construction project aimed at relieving congestion at high volume periods.

Its people from out nation’s longest war visiting our nation’s longest construction project. Although the note and picture taking might seem obsessive to some, town planners say it demonstrates the desire on the part of the privileged to document successes and apply them to chaotic Afghanistan.

“We especially want to examine lighting fixtures and new drainage systems along with cosmetic improvements along the way,: said Mohammed Zulu-Quake, chair of the Engineering School at Kabul University.

Paving streets in Afghanistan in no way constitutes nation building, say critics of the new/old foreign policy currently unfolding in South Asia., who contend that peace must emerge from a deeper psyche. Naysayers insist that the people prefer to wallow in superstition and tribalism which apparently works for them.

“Although asphalt and center lines can provide a shallow security, it does nothing to relieve and address the frustrations of a generation of Afghanis,” said the academic. “We are focused on improving infrastructure, not social structure. That will come when our house is in order, when the horse is again before the cart. Squalid attempts to mask our failures in flowery talk of liberty and democracy don’t provide so much as a slice of bread.”

“The nagging question remains: Is nation building something one can achieve on a stepladder or does the adjustment require an hoist, scaffolding and maybe even an explosive or two?” he asked.

– Abdul “Mickey” Sands 


Duffer Attempts Bank Robbery With 7-Iron

(Montrose) When a man tried to rob Who’s On First National Bank with a seven-iron yesterday, he wasn’t expecting a golf lesson.

     The unidentified culprit, now in police custody, admitted that he was severely handicapped by tedious water hazards and hungry fairway bunkers that dotted the course ahead.

     “That’s too much club, mister. What are you doing brandishing a seven-iron when you are only 50 yards from the flag?” guffawed a veteran teller at the fiscal institution. “Open the club face. Bend your knees. Only a duffer would show up with with such a choppy backswing.”

     Stunned at the quick and unsolicited critique, the would-be robber stopped in his tracks, staring down at a bulging cash drawer just feet away.

     “Yeah, you should have used a sand wedge. Where did you learn to play golf?” echoed a loan officer on her way to lunch. “You’ve got a chip shot through the lobby and then a short putt to the safe. What were you thinking?”

     The crook then produced a leather suitcase and gestured for it to be filled with cash.

     “Wait just a moment, sir,” blasted a second teller. “If you choke up instead of choking up you would have the loft you need. A good golfer always takes a moment or two to read the green before putting.”

     Just then the bank alarm sounded.

     “The police are here,” laughed the loan officer. “They do not want to play through. Maybe you should take a mulligan on this bogey hole. Try it again and finish your swing!”

     By the time the police had entered the building the robber had dropped his club and was close to tears. He looked around at his critics and agreed his long shots were short and his short game was long.

     “Maybe there’s a driving range where you’re going,” snickered another bank employee, “but I doubt it.”

     “That’s about par for the unenlightened criminal mind,” said the arresting officer who apprehended the alleged perpetrator when he hacked at the ATM machine with a hybrid fairway wood.

     “These kind of golfers never learn,” the cop pontificated. “His chances for that elusive birdie will have to wait. Consistent golf swings do not fare well even in minimum security.”

– Wendell Shanker

Solar Eclipse!

Despite news and rumors Wyoming gas stations were out of gas, hotels, campgrounds and RV parks were booked solid and the population of Wyoming doubled in the days prior to the solar eclipse we were determined to witness the event. We packed up the car, drove more than 600 miles and met up with family in Lander, Wyoming the day prior to the eclipse. Our little caravan continued to Pavilion which was smack dab in the middle of the eclipse?s path. After conferring with the good old boys in the Pavilion?s only bar, we drove to a local campground to spend the night. The next day we woke up to the spectacular orange glow of a sunrise that foreshadowed a morning long display of the sun?s majesty. Around 11:15am we watched through special glasses as the moon slowly moved across the sun. With each passing minute the temperature dropped and the sun?s light became dimmer. At 11:38am the light was completely dimmed. We were able to look at the sun with naked eyes and for two minutes were completely awestruck by the sun?s corona – light rays emanating outward; stars and planets visible. The sight was breathtaking. Soon enough, a sliver of intense light signaled the end of totality. While the 7 hour drive home stretched to 12 hours, we were happy for an experience that will not be forgotten. Photo compliments of Patrice Schell


Bank employees forced to work inside ATMs

(Montrose – Greenbacks Calling – August, 2017)

Colorado bank examiners expressed shock and dismay that a new kind of slave labor may be the rule and not exception to branch banking in Colorado.

A majority of fiscal watchdogs say tellers, account specialists, even loan officers are subjected to forced overtime “in the barrel” as the ATM duty is called by industry cynics.

Besides cramped working space, unwanted overtime, tedious boredom and the demands of repetitive mathematics the prisoners of the ATM are subjected to temperatures often reaching 140 degrees inside the machines.

“We are dealing with employees of pirate banks who may be trapped inside ATM machines for up to 10 hours, said a state banking official outside a local Wells Fargo facility. “And this is often on top of their regular shift.”

At first look it appears that most ATM machines are not set up for hands-on operation and the banks only resort to draconian measures upon high demand. However, the subject of fresh air, food, water and other life sustaining elements has not been undressed as of this morning.

Why the human participation has become paramount was not clear although full disclosures are said to be on the smoky horizon. Most consumers/account holders were under the impression that the ATM machines were set up to act independently of many financial institutions, especially when it comes to extended hours.

“The 24-hour ATM machines are a convenience that somehow, when the dust settles, all bank customers pay,” said one particularly agitated official. But this abuse of employees is another whole ball of wax. It’s an Orwellian corporate cost-saver that has gone berserk.”

On scene bank controllers were quick to add that this ATM scandal measures up as “minimum impact” compared with bank scams to set up unauthorized accounts, loans and issue high interest credit cards to unsuspecting patrons.

The Colorado Banking Commission has issued a gag order on the entire investigation until and level of intent can be determined and executive guilt established.

“The regular corporate approach of creating scapegoats will not fly here,” they said. “Someone made the initial decision and someone will pay.”

Meanwhile affected bank employees will undergo extensive counseling and included as plaintiffs in lawsuits emerging from the alleged exploitation of workers and what might be the most astounding and chronic miscarriage since earned interest rates dropped to a paltry 1%.

Sources within the banking industry, contacted regarding these allegations did not return our calls. It was surmised that the bosses were sailing, playing golf or counting their money, and could not be disturbed.

Consumers are urged to be quick, be kind…and always remember: ATM machines have eyes or at least ears!

– Kashmir Horseshoe


Vultures Carry Off, Eat Rafters

(Montrose) Flocks of thought to be extinct Tsunyi Turkey Vultures continue to dine on unsuspecting rafters often caught with their pants down on the Uncompahgre River south of here. The birds, often posing a ditch riders, conceal themselves in nearby willow trees then pounce on the boat people, eating the adults on site and carrying off the smaller ones for a perverted dessert.

     “We don’t know what has gotten into the vultures,” said one local rafter. “They used to wait until people actually croaked before they ate them. This is not good.”

     The rafter went on to say that somebody should do something about this.

     These particular vultures generally migrate to Canada by this time of the year but a drastic change in feeding habits may have dictated a longer stay in Colorado.

     “It’s like a smorgasbord of debauchery said a fly fisherman who witnessed another attack Saturday. “The vultures seize their victims and then hold them under water until the fight is out of them. I didn’t know birds could hold their breath that long.

     The local Homo Sapiens for Population Control has defended the vultures saying that they are technically Canadian citizens who are just following their instincts.

     “If the birds were busy eating road kill the giant catfish fill the power void with much the same result,” said one HSPC spokesperson.

-Feather Neste