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Guns Safe For Now

(Montrose) With a federal mandate overlooked by the FCC all television is slated to be blacked out through July. This would include would include video games and internet.

Antennas, radios other listening devices are no use in this atmosphere of fear and trepidation. Citizens will have until June 15 to self-adjust and fill out forehead and background checks to qualify for state-subsidized fossil fuel powered stations in the future.

The old signal baggage (a faire signe la coquine) has been relocated to an unknown telecommunications space satellite somewhere upstairs. The keys to the entire outfit are reportedly “orbiting the earth as we speak”, according to the source, who refused to elaborate.

In response to this entertainment void the City of Montrose has begun installing hundreds of chessboards. Made of local wood products, the small tables dot the downtown and in tranquil, remote locations within the burgh. In addition the San Juan Horseshoe will begin publishing three magazines, two dailies, a bi-monthly sports review, a weekly, a real estate guide, a weather flyer and a weekend broadsheet. The website, a former monthly newspaper, will also give free tango lessons on Thursdays.

According to a gov’ment source familiar with these kinds of occurrences, the reason for the idiotboxus interruptus is the need for a realignment or in laymen’s terms to muck out positive and negative cholestérol from cable lines and wireless installations at the East Pole.

First industrial checkup since ____ (the day that Congress loosened controls on multiple media ownership in same markets.)

In spite of news accounts on several networks there will be no need to surrender your TVs. FCC deputies will not be coming by to collect them.

“In September or so we’ll do a quick assessment and see if anyone wants the system recharged or if they noticed its absence,” said a technician who watches wires at the government agency. “Maybe then we’ll leave it in sleep mode until football season.”

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Republicans continue to lose seats

(Bland Valley) In the face of an expected Democrat counterattack this fall Republicans continue to lose seats due to special elections, scandalous retirements, indictments and apparent lack of interest in the governing process.

Since February 2018 the GOP has lost two recliners, one chase lounge, three couches, a velour love seat, several blue deck chairs, four bar stools, a parachute landing device, five desk chairs, over-stuffed easy chairs, fainting couches, plastic chairs, canvass beach ensembles, throwback, antique and inflatable seats, 12 sets of kitchen chairs, assorted regressing patio perches and  judge’s bench.

“I don’t care how many seats they mislay,” said Abner Quitee, 111, who has never voted Democrat for been out of Mesa County, his entire life. “But some of us are a bit concerned that with the recent losses there on’t be anywhere to sit down. I guess there are those dusty hammocks or the metal chairs down in the potato cellar.”

Insiders in the party. themselves clutching one-way tickets, say this is no funny business. It took a while but the people finally figured out our little rich man – poor man scam.”

“We already know those godless Democrats have futons, wine racks, yoga mats and worldly designs on their chairs,” said one state representative near tears. “Some are even made of marijuana.”

On the other side of  the slippery aisle voices have been raised asking if it is really possible to be xenophobic about an oak rockier? There was no joy in Foggy Bottom or on Capitol Hill though, since voters still remember the Dems showing up with rented furniture in 2000 and 2004.

Voters in several Red States, moved by such a shortfalls at first promised to deliver reinforcements in the form of furniture rostered above. However, due in part to a series of transgressions (Read: Spending scandals by top HUD and EPA appointees) many have rescinded on the offer.

– Susie Compost


Can robots be racist?

A recent incident at a Philly Starbucks where two Black patrons were arrested for trespassing (while sitting at a table waiting for a third friend to arrive), showcases a corporate mentality based on fear, phoniness and expedience. This soulless infrastructure creates paranoid and programmed behavior among the Kool-Aid sucking minions of entwined in its caffein empire.

Starbucks has stolen a piece of Americana as it builds more stores and drives smaller competitors from the marketplace. This company has intruded into a wonderful ritual of slamming coffee with friends in the morning. It has substituted plastic stir sticks and litter cups for civilized utensils, porcelain and heart.  Are their coffee beans grown in China?

Companies like Starbucks have snuffed out the cultural aspects of the corner cafe and the crucial socialization that goes with it. Diversity is the enemy of market control. Starbucks has replaced it with a synthetic experience when the nation needs a sugar bowl full of culture.

The robot manager of the mega-corp coffee pusher was no doubt a perfect example of a another loyal employee ascending up the ladder: He’s got that Starbucks glow! They didn’t even fire him, which is a surprise considering he benefits of applied scapegoatism. They moved him to another of their countless burnt coffee outlets. By doing so Starbucks condones his corporate-racist behavior.

Is he now presiding over costly cups of coffee in a white neighborhood where other robots sip each day looking for the last remnants of social interaction in a country that sold its soul for a swindled latte?

The mindless manager is the poster child for Starbucks and all corporate intrusion into our lives. The fact that this troll has exhibited racist behavior is no surprise given his status and standing. In the City of Brotherly Love we really don’t want the brothers in our nicer neighborhoods anyway.

Boycott Starbucks? You should have been avoiding the place from the start due to the mass marketed, mass produced and the mass flocking of the sheep. One incident does not define an entity. The business of selling coffee to trademark junkies and people who need some banner to follow is the real problem. It’s one that our kids will have to deal with when they grasp for threads of humanity left in our society.

In America, racism is eating us up and corporate power is spitting us out.


In a rare proviso, the Big Boys in Heaven, have resolutely ordained that the damage deposit on earth, allegedly paid by one Adam and his wife Eve (no last name given) many centuries ago, will not be returned.

Judged to be authentic even though it had no return address, the dictatorial edict is expected to have far-reaching affects. If the caveat is put in motion it would almost certainly cause frantic migrations, a food crisis and could throw flags and nationalism into the toilet.

The undisclosed sum, held in trust for thousands of years, was an integral part of the overall agreement signed when humans first rented the planet. The amount in question was not made public although with economic factors such as inflation and interest, experts say it is somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 trillion dollars.

Several in Congress are attempting to make contact with the Landlord but to no avail. Even politicians who claim to talk to God everyday are perplexed and frustrated by the turn of events.

“They should have seen this coming,” said one environmental activist. “They moved in to a perfectly clean, well stocked, paradise but trashed the place.”

Another was not so kind.

“I don’t know why an all-knowing being allowed them to continue to live there,” said an EPA official who demanded anonymity. “I’d have kicked their arses out the first time they were late on a rent payment.

“The United States,” he said, is the worst perpetrator since that country had the ways and means to combat the growing disaster and did little preferring to adopt a tragic ideology saying that everything on earth was for their consumption without peril.”

Authorities were hesitant to confirm the obvious. The humans, they say, have done some wonderful things while inheriting the earth and that “we are dedicated to making it a better place for all.”

Many in Congress see the foggy move as a bluff, saying that  God would have a tough time finding renters for such a large property. They stressed that the communique was in code and quite vague depending on how one read it.

“We need to make a deal with Him and secure a few indications of what’s up next. Those monies are earmarked for our next pay raise.”

An earthly spokesman for the Heavens (We certainly have an overrun) says he believes God is quite serious about the breakup.

“The sore points,” he flinched, “revolve around the destruction of the seas, the uneven distribution of wealth, over-population, the ozone, the celebration of ignorance, programmed fear, rampant distrust, and mindless greed.”

“There is a whole roster within The 7 Deadly Sins. You could look it up,” he said

“You’ll see that money when hell freezes over,” continued the notice which stopped short of demanding immediate evacuation. “Evictions in some of the more ravaged regions will begin shortly.”

Several aborigine societies clustered around the globe will be exempt from the house cleaning, since their civilization has coexisted with natural laws as part of the framework of their civilization. Insiders suggest that these enlightened, often nomadic clans could inherit the whole ball of wax by virtue of an option to buy clause written into the next lease.

“You humans are already in his cross hairs. Nobody up here much like you since you have no respect for the gifts given you.  Dialogues de sourds (conversations of the deaf) will do nothing but antagonize heaven, a pleasant enough place many of you scoundrels will never see even from your Hummers and private jets.”

This morning a United Nations’ partisan commission was set up to review the situation. Members appeared clearly overwhelmed as to what a first step may constitute, according to seraphs familiar with omnipresent thinking patterns. After a few speeches and impotent motions the lawmakers adjourned for an extravagant luncheon featuring dolphin steaks, sea turtle soup, whooping crane meringue  with flambéed sea otter, and an assortment of other known intelligent delicacies, once deemed endangered species.

– Uncle Pahgre


(Cody, Wyoming) Wilderness voices today declared that Wyoming will be the first state to introduce large marsupials* to the western United States. In introducing antilopine kangaroos to its wide-open spaces the Cowboy State continues a tradition of bronco rides in the local legislature as well as on the national stage.

Readers may recall that Wyoming was the first state to pass women’s suffrage in 1869.

The inclusion of kangaroos, wallabies, and koalas would really expand an already diverse cross-section of mammals prowling the place, according to people who spend a lot of time outside in the wind.

The prize acquisition, the kangaroo is known to be tough with his feet, making the species a good bet to survive in the summer, and then migrate to Arizona in the winter.

Wallabies differ from ‘roos in that they burrow and hibernate in their little pouches, often not rising until the Fourth of July. They are the meanest animals on the planet and represent a formidable challenge to hungry wolves and mountain lions. The common Bunbury wallaby is related to Rocky Mountain marmot on their mother’s side of the family.

Koalas, on the other hand are cute and withdrawn. They should enjoy eating all of the eucalyptus trees that cover more than 70% of the territory. The panda-like bear are known to appreciate a nice chicken fried steak, wild asparagus pie, biscuits and gravy, camp beans and a cold beer every so often.   

Already some 200 inmates from special plea bargain units of several state prisons are at work building wind fences, securing gated communities and drilling oil wells in apprehension of the needs of their new neighbors. By the time most of these men are released from prison the species should be well entrenched in the region.

“If this experiment goes well we will be in line to adopt several Tasmanian Devils that, in addition to bringing the grace and good taste of Down Under are said to be a hoot on Saturday night,” continued the source. “Lord knows we could use a little excitement around here in April.”

*Of course there are an assortment of opossums on every corner in North America and let us not forget the tiny Biting Microbiothera that is attracted to synthetic fibers and snap beans. This could but probably does not include the more erotic Delphian strains but certainly not bandicoots and bilbies.

– Billy Mosca

Passing the Buck a Luxury No More

The United States may have finally run out of bucks to pass according to a source in the Treasury Department who is familiar with these kinds of measures. After almost 250 years of pointing the finger, skirting the issues, placing the blame and scapegoating, the nation appears to have exhausted its supply of bucks to pass.

According to calm heads within the agency the crisis has been mounting for centuries then it exploded in the 80s and 90s when nobody seemed willing to take responsibility for anything. The demand soon outgrew the supply and we began importing our bucks.

By 2010 a serious trade imbalance had emerged threatening rationalization, honesty and integrity all over this great land. Now more half of all bucks consumed originated in foreign lands, leaving us woozy and depleted as well as culturally bankrupt.

“Does this mean people will have to look in the mirror?” asked one militant liability accountant at the Pentagon. “Does this mean our budgets will be scrutinized by independent committees? We have been performing well with other branches of the government. The whole rotting system supports even encourages the passing of the buck.”

While the most blatant buck passing is documented within federal walls, state and local leaders have been guilty of the practice too, saying that they often have no recourse due to decisions made by the higher ups in the chamber.

“But it is not fair, conclusive or rehabilitative,” said the source, “to blame these omissions and infractions solely on elected officials and their appointees when we have millions engaging in similar acts every day.

“Passing the buck is not like musical chairs or pin the tail on the honky, harmless games for children. This manifestation of chronic irresponsibility teamed with Me First thinking is pounding and ramming at the gates of our souls. Morality under siege because no one is willing to secure the castle gate.”

– Susie Compost

“Don’t have to think. Don’t need to choose. Just listen to my preacher and mainline Fox News.”

  • from Song of Republicanus, 2018