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Editor’s Coroner

Happy Hollandaise! This month we’re coming to you from the same place as we did in November, only it’s a different month and a different place. Can anyone tell us what month? That’s right, December, and it’s much like last year. Jingle Bells hasn’t changed. The elves don’t look much older. It’s dark early. The Broncos still stink. Big Business is still milking the public. The Homeland Security Agency is still counting paper clips and we’re still waiting for the big dump, of snow that is, followed by several larger, frightening accumulations of snow.

     One positive development that just came down is the announcement that our friends over at Wal-mart will close for the holidays so that somebody else can make a living for a change. Do you shop there? Shame on you. We hope you get a lump of used Chinese coal for Christmas. This is an evil corporation that mistreats your fellow man all over he world. Couldn’t you just buy your socks someplace else?

Imagine what it would be like to take off the entire month of January because the snow was too deep to go anywhere. Fiction? It used to be the norm, well almost the norm. That’s what the old timers told us when we were nippers. In any case, keep your cupboards filled, your stilts handy and your snowshoe socks dry.

Stories which merit attention this month include the latest segment of Lord of the Oil Rigs where Frotho and Texo find themselves transported to a sand-bagged Hobbit-hole just a few clicks from Baghdad’s Hard Rock Cafe in the Trump Towers. Who’s got the ring (or at least a pint) and where is Gandalf (played by Forest Whitaker) when we need a little magic?

Yes, the world is flat and getting flatter.

Trendy Middle East coverage: Funny how Palestinians think they are the good guys too. Thrill to vintage film of the annual Baghdad New Bath Party Christmas Gift Exchange in Eating Their Kurds Away. Over in Iran the big question remains: Do the weapons inspectors get to hang their stockings too?

Had enough? Did you know that many NFL players employ aliases to protect them from fiscal chicanery and other forms of fraud aimed at their pocketbooks? That’s why there are so many Smiths, Johnsons and Washingtons across the backs of jerseys. We cover the story in here. Another sports page gem tells us why lawsuits have overtaken jogging suits in the annual holiday fashion parade.

Don’t miss a candid conversation with Evelyn Marmotbreath as she shares with us recipes for Eating Patriotically. Right across the page take a look at Spicing Up Your Julgrot, and continued coverage on the arrest of freeze-dried giant, Little Jack Horner as a suspected terrorist. Let’s hang him from his plums!

This month’s News In-Depth takes us to the North Pole where Santa has threatened a run at the White House in 2020, as an Independent to boot. Will attempts by the Trump people to discredit him as a leftist make the decision for him? What about Hillary and her plan to train pig-tailed sloths to pick coconuts? Will Bill come on board after the last fiasco? What about Rand Paul? Has he survived any more beatings outside of his home?

In closing we’re happy to report that we’ve finally gotten the bears to sleep for the winter. Endless stories, lullabies, kisses on the forehead, glasses of water and promises of pancakes in the spring (with blue berries and whipped cream) did it. As in past years all winter residents, especially ice climbers, are asked to observe Quiet Zones above 8,000 feet until at least the Ides of March.

Quote of the month: “Mountain lions are of little use in a technological society.”        – Unknown.   

Amazon Acquires Christmas

(Montrose) On-line retailer, and now communications giant, Amazon has reportedly purchased Christmas for an undisclosed sum. The acquisition sent shock waves through major stock exchanges already paralyzed by news that the Afghani Poppy Cartel had been admitted to the Wall Street’s exclusive market.

What this often hostile buyout could mean for the age-old tradition of Christmas was not clear at the time of the report. Already most retail giants and the credit card companies have sought to placate the new owners with sales and other promotions aimed at selling more junk to the consumer. What the communications concern will do with Christmas for the rest of the year was not discussed.

“We just hope they don’t ship it out of the country do to lower overhead and a workforce that will toil for less than the traditional employees at the North Pole,” said one consumer advocate. 

White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders welcomed the news for no apparent reason while President Trump tweeted about golf and North Korea.   

In reference to the Afghani quotes many brokers here say they under the assumption that it was poppycock, not poppy stock that was being considered.

All agree that margins for the agricultural commodity have risen sharply since the “elimination” of the Taliban. Poppies are cultivated all over Afghanistan with each pretty flower containing high quantities of opium which is then processed into heroin either there or who it arrives in the U.S..

“When the demand is that intense in U.S. and European markets, it will soon be reflected in ridiculous profits for some war lord or the other,” said a source on the floor here. “We just hope he’s an ally in the war against terror.”

– Marcelle Paisa 

 SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED

(Ridgway) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education here starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the Trump Administration the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation, denial and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping this segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control and good health.

Santa was chosen both because his very existence is also based on a series of myths and because he is free most of the year.

“All those elves must mean something,” said one teacher, “Our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials but does he have the ability to whitewash the problem in accordance with Administration twisted yardsticks.”

Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position.

– Peter Salte

Snowbank Needs Donations

(Telluride) The local San Miguel County snowbank, a non-profit clearing house for all types of holiday charities is in need of donations. Canned goods, toys, usable clothing and cash are at the top of the list with Christmas only a wish away. Last year the fund collected more than $300,000 worth of loot that was distributed to poor families in the region.

Home of glitzy Telluride, San Miguel County is not considered to be a region plagued with poor people although, according to recently compiled statistics, a family of four making less than $100,000 per year is below the accepted poverty level and is qualified for assistance.

“Any moneys left over after December 25 will be earmarked for a knock-down holiday bash in downtown Cahone on New Year’s Eve,” said organizer Muffy Hollandaise of Lawson Hill. “The party is open to anyone no matter what their financial status but we will be checking fiscal statements at the door in hopes of securing pledges for next year.”

– Ripple Van Winkle

“You’re mad. bonkers. Off your head…but I’ll tell you a secret…all of the best people are.” 

– Alice in Wonderland

     

Everyone will be 7 feet tall by 2050

Vertical Grant Allows Study

(Tiny Town) Researchers here insist that they have uncovered evolutionary patterns that will result in a much taller populace by the middle of the next century. Tracing their methodology to the ancient ones who once roamed this canyon, and submerging it with the tendency of children to tower over their parents, the scientists predict an average height of about 7 to 8 ft. tall.

“This will change everything,” said Melvin Toole, professor emeritus at the conveniently located Littleton Academy of Applied Genealogy. “Everything, from basketball hoops to door jams will have to be jacked up. The compact cars of the Nineties will give way to the colossal automotive dinosaurs of the Fifties and Sixties,” he stressed. “Basketball players will have to be more than tall to demand the incredible salaries of today, while second story windows will have to be raised to insure the privacy of dwellers. Mountains will look smaller to visitors and the tourism industry will suffer.”

Although Toole and his colleagues have been firing off projections like arrogant drunks at a side-show shooting gallery, they have offered no evidence that any tests have been conducted regarding this pressing matter. Upon examination, reporters found only mounds of empty pizza boxes and beer cans in what Toole referred to as his laboratory. One small room was crammed full of five and 10 dollar bills, apparently rat-holed from government grants. Outside of a ramshackle bunkhouse, where Toole’s support team is supposedly housed, stands a rough sculpture of two men. One is disproportionately tall and the other appears to be a dwarf. Toole refused to comment on the sculpture, saying it was “part of his secretive research and a matter of national security.”

    “Any implication that federal funds have been misappropriated here in Tiny Town is an affront to the entire scientific community here in Jefferson County,” gasped Toole. “You might just as well accuse our boys over at Rocky Flats of lying about contamination levels, or the brave men and women at the Fed Center of stretching their daily coffee breaks!”

Most of the people invited to tour the research facility seemed confused as to what was being accomplished here. Many reporters simply laughed, shook their syndicated heads and drove back to Denver unable to file a story at all.

“You’ll all be sorry!” screamed Toole at the top of his lungs as the last of the press vehicles peeled out of his paltry parking lot. “They didn’t believe Marconi…or Copernicus either! And those boys were operating on their own money!”

 -Yankee Doodle

 

“My country right or wrong: if right, to be kept right; and if wrong , to be set right.” 

– Senator Carl Schurtz, of Missouri, 1876

Joseph Denies he will suit up for Jets

Bronco head coach, Vance Joseph dismissed rumors that he will suit up against the New York Jets on Sunday. Although a multitude of eyewitnesses say the first-year coach has been running the first-string offense all week at practice, Joseph was adamant that he would not play in the game.

Joseph at a lighter moment with the line judge during the Bengals loss.

The former quarterback University of Colorado has gone through Osweiller and Lynch…Siemian in losses to 8 teams that pre-season observers expected them to win or at least remain competitive. Many of the losses were blowouts to teams like Miami and Philadelphia and New England.

At a press conference after the embarrassing loss to Miami, Joseph promised to stay the course (or corpse as some sports writers heard it). CEO John Elway held his own question and answer session reaffirming his faith in Joseph. Conjecture has it that Elway will begin searching Eastern Europe and scanning the horizons of Central Africa in search of large bodies to be implemented on the horrid offensive line in 2018.

“We can teach them to block or at least get in the way of defensive linemen,” said the irritated Hall-of-Famer, a quarterback as well during his illustrious career in Denver.

Although the team has performed poorly many ridiculous calls and quirks occurred at just the wrong time opening up the doors to drubbings. The offense, which has arguably been absent since Payton Manning’s first year with the team, continued to put everyone but the opposing defense to sleep.

Joseph played for the New York Jets and Indianapolis Colts in the NFL and backed up All-Americans Cordell Stewart and Darian Hagan in his years at CU, including the National Championship team in 1990.

His coaching resume at the college level includes stints with Colorado, Wyoming and Bowling Green

An anonymous “yet highly reliable source” at Dove Valley discreetly told reporters on the plane from Miami that the coaching staff was desperate for a win and that Joseph would perform with the first team during the next week’s practices/rehearsals. It’s either we see Vance at the helm or we leave the defense on the field for the entire game.

-Frank Tripuka Jr.

CB Planners Unveil Farm-Raised Parking Spaces

Valet condo spots in the works with county approval

(Gothic) Pedestrians and motorists seeking peace on Elk Avenue remain in the dark as to a revolutionary approach instituted by town officials today. The proposed New Age response to parking problems is perceived  as typically organic and even quasi-funky-progressive by local inhabitants, who love to make up new words but actually  constitute a small segment of drivers at high season.

The town could have opted for the mainstream, often toxic, parking units but decided to institute a blueprint that celebrates its good health and quality of life. Farm-raised parking spaces, as most of us have long realized, are not cheap, but they are more attractive, often maintenance free and the shelf life of each is outstanding.

Home grown, farm-raised organic parking spaces may soon grace the streets of Crested Butte if radical council members have their way.

The critically acclaimed, agriculturally elite, trophy parking spots are a giant step from the tainted, often grungy units now gracing most towns and cities from Miami to Moline. Plans to condo these parking places is inevitable and appears preferential to meters or those ugly parking garages that dot the urban landscape.

Crested Butte has gained national acclaim as the first community to openly sell parking spaces to residents and selected second-home owners during the lull of off-season. Leaders here feel that if other properties can achieve the condo status then so should parking spaces.

“The condo thing is an obvious next step. We spend a few more dollars now but in the end we get a better bang for the buck,” said Mayor-for-Life Jim Schmidt, who at first branded the idea as wasteful and ridiculous.

“I have come 360 on this,” he said. “I looked below the surface it was clear the farm-raised units were far more stable and certainly more in step with our local environmental concerns. Wild caught units have proven a liability in most ski towns due to related issues with bear  and other hungry intruders.

Are these the rantings of people who have lived inside a bubble for too long or are they urban answers to rural annoyances in a town too popular for its own good? Only the evening shadow knows.

-Gabby Haze

Where coffee is king!

Three caballeros enjoy conversing with a morning cup of the best coffee on earth in Jardin, Colombia. The small town is located south of Medellin in the Andes Mountains. Coffee fincas dot the surrounding hills and cafes are everywhere.                                                                                                                                                           (Photo by DeLinda Austin)