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Colorado beats Nebraska in Lincoln!

This could be the start of a wonderful football season. Watch out PAC-12

Chiefs Chargers, Even Raiders Picked to Finish Ahead of Broncos

As usual the jock-inspired TV whizzes have picked our boys to finish last in the AFC West again in 2018. But here is a second opinion, a very specific projection of the 2018 season written September 6. Keep for handy reference or file under “disrespect continues” and the next time you engage in an intimate correspondence with mlb.com remind them that we have a baseball team in Denver…Yes, right there in the National League and all.

SEAHAWKS – Opening game in Colorado marred by rain. Wilson gets to know Chubb. Seattle backs reacquaint themselves with Miller. Methodical victories are still victories when the clock runs out. Broncos 24 -10

RAIDERS – Keenan Coming Out Party. He throws for 4 touchdowns. Ex-Raider Marquette King pins his former team within their own 5 yard line four different times. Broncos defense dominates 36 – 7

RAVENS – Bad boys meet bad men. Broncos travel for one of those terrible 11 am game on the East Coast but walk away with victory 17-10. Royce Freeman runs for 100 yards. Kyle Haley records 25 tackles.

CHIEFS– KC picked but gets picked by the likes of Josey Jewel (2), Bradley Roby and Chris Harris Jr. I wonder where that guy Smith is today. Denver 27 – 13

JETS – In the Big Apple this “breather game” almost gets out of hand. Two returns by Phillip Lindsay (one punt and one kickoff in the 4th) save the day for Denver 24 – 17.

RAMS – Perhaps the toughest team on the schedule. 20 inches of snow on Saturday helps the Bronco cause if not the congestion around whatever they are calling the stadium this year. This pivotal victory redefines the season, making the 5- 0 Broncos 6-0 and making believers out of everyone in the Rockies. Denver 12 Rams 10.

CARDINALS – This Thursday matchup unveils a stunning aerial show with a slew of play-action grinders, sideline ballet and runs up the gut. Chad Kelly starts for ailing Case Keenum (food poisoning on Colfax) and throws for 600 yards. Is he the franchise in franchise?

CHIEFS – At Arrowhead where we must endure that idiot chopping chant. Despite the pressures of 7-0 the Broncos start hitting right off the bus and demolish the KC team 45 – 10. Devonte Booker runs for 200 years. Chad Kelly throws for 450. Betsy DeVos reportedly in the stands but to the chagrin of dwindling support base is wearing institutional green, presumably in support of food poisonings on Colfax.

TEXANS  – Formidable team visits Denver. Jake Butts shows everyone why he is so highly rated catching two TD passes from Case Keenum. Late in the game he recovers an on-side kick attempt season the game for the Broncos 24 – 7. Defense allows less than 100 yards passing and rushing.

CHARGERS – Southern California after a bye week watches as the Broncos dismantle the highly rated San Diego defense while stifling the Charger offense with 5 turnovers in the first half. Emanuel Sanders and Demaryius Thomas put on a clinic catching a combined 18 passes in the 42 – 6 “upset”.

STEELERS – This much anticipated match pits the best two teams in the AFC in Denver. Big Ben knocked out in first quarter. Denver turns the tables on Pittsburgh with the blitz and the Denver offensive line controls the scrimmage points. Until the Play-offs then…

BENGALS – Away games in December have been an issue before but not in the Queen City. Von Miller records three sacks and Derek Wolfe creates and recovers a fumble on the Bengal 3. Bradley Roby makes an interception to seal this close one. Denver 31 Cincinnati 24.

49ERS – Surprisingly improved but still a few players short the 49ers lead the entire game only to be beat by a 94-yard punt return with 20 seconds to go. Broncos 20- 14. A perfectly executed block at the 10-yards line by fullback Andy Janovich springs Lindsay who races up the sideline to the end zone.

BROWNS – They must have improved since last week. The Broncos score 28 in the first half with Case Keenum then bring in Chad Kelly who throws for 3 more scores in the second half just because he can. NFL considers limiting the number of Irish quarterbacks on each team in 2019. Courland Sutton crosses the goal line twice with a loaf of brown bread from the two play callers.

RAIDERS – Ah, Christmas Eve with our friends in Black and Silver. Despite all the wanna be circus entertainers in the stands the play on the field is outstanding. Could the Broncos lose one? No, Denver prevails on a fluke safety and a recovered on-side kick that sets up a meaningless last second field goal. Broncos survive 18 – 14. They are now 15 – 0.

CHARGERS – Despite sitting many starting players, both of these play-off bound crews exchange touchdowns at a high-scoring tempo. Keenum throws for nearly 700 years while the starters prepare for post season. Broncos go 16 – 0 with this ridiculous 56 – 42 win.

If you disagree with these projections please move to another state. (New Mexico, Wyoming, Western Kansas, Utah and Nebraska don’t count).

PLAYOFFS

Denver knocks off Pittsburgh 21-14 and New England 36 – 10 to advance to the Super Bowl where they meet and defeat the New Orleans Saints by a touchdown.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Scribe busted for reading to homeless

(Fort Palm, FL)  Editor Emeritus, Polly Parvenu, has been arrested and charged with reading to the homeless in this swank plastic land on the ocean. She had been accused of breaking a host of rigid ordinances, aimed at diminishing the homeless population in the region.

Parvenu says she is only doing good by reaching out homeless people and invited all to persons of integrity to help those who are less advantaged,

The longtime journalist has pleaded guilty to giving out hot paragraphs, high protein sentences, bowls of adjectives and cans of dangling participles to the needy this fall.

Despite ordinances the prohibit this kind of brotherly love she has pledged to continue the literary social service as soon as the cops let her go.

“We have restrictions in place not because we are mean, insensitive, greedy, xenophobic, racist, unhappy, resentful, frightened, suspicious, angry people but simply because we don’t want to be overrun by vagabonds during the winter months,” said a chamber of comments source. “That is our high season and we want to show a calm, collect, affluent and pseudo-tropical face. The last thing we need is needy people on the beach.”

Parvenu insists that sharing knowledge has never been against the law and that the transient population here will not rise or fall because of a few story hours. She adds that stories give many of these people a respite from the horrors of poverty.

“It’s becoming a crime to be poor in this country,” said Parvenu. “I want to see to it that it’s a crime to embrace ignorance.”

If convicted Parvenu will served 30 days in the library rather than pay a fine.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

“Poor Ash Judd…caught up with the Texans and climbed with them yet another snake fence. He saw woods fair ahead. There were such storms of balls emanating from those woods that Ash could could just about see them in the air like insects.”

– from The Confederates by Thomas Keneally

Colorado rescinds mandatory dog ownership

“It’s OK not to have a dog.”

(Crested Butte) The state of Colorado has overturned a decades-long ruling with a sticky provision that had required each new mountain resident to acquire a dog upon arrival to the specific town. The revocation frees residents from canine stipulations and allows for a dog-free household depending on human preferences, needs and capabilities.

The old law, that states clearly that all mountain town residents be required to “own” a dog, was seen by many as a dinosaur that needed to be put to rest. Progressives and conservatives have called the focus on new occupants unconstitutional.

“The law first emerged when there were only a few people around,” said one old timer. “We needed dogs to guard against bear and mountain lions and lord only knows what else is out in these woods. Now there are far too many. Now we have draconian leash laws that make a mockery of running free in the wilds.”

The legislation, which goes into affect in 2019, did not undress the irresponsibility of humans, pooper scooping, dogs-at-large or the price of pet food at the local market.

“What a relief,” said one dog owner. “Now people in mountain towns can choose whether they want a dog or not. It’s OK not to have a dog. It doesn’t mean you are insensitive or not tuned into our mute friends. You can still have dogs that are your friends without the closer relationships brought on by such social arrangements as dependence, co-habitation and dramas with cats (if there is one on premises).”

Most people here in the upper Gunnison Valley say the new law will not affect them since they have a dog and everyone seems pretty happy with the day to day exchanges between human and canine. Many feel dogs will enjoy more freedom if there are fewer living here.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Council drags heels on hooker restrictions

(Knuckles County) Despite the urgings of established citizen clusters, civil liberties factions, night owls, early risers, bar flies and congregations the Mañana town Council has yet to make a decision on street walkers.

The illicit behavior, in the crosshairs since money for sex became illegal here in 1944, has always been brushed aside by deniers, while remaining a whisper by patrons. Now lawmakers must decide whether to tolerate this kind of behavior within town limits.

Fathers and mothers don’t talk about that kind of thing but that doesn’t make it go away. Local interest is constant with activity increasing with booms and yet holding its own during recessions.

“The burr in my saddle is that despite the presence of this questionable industry in our midst we get no revenue,” said Mayor Julie Pettifogger. I’d like to see the matter settled one way or the other with the benefit of street walker taxes or registration fees so as to improve the town coffer.”

Scores of citizens favor outlawing hookers but admit that that has never worked before. Numerous others say legislating morality won’t remove the situation in that demand dictates market practices even in this shady commerce.

“We will continue our vigil and do nothing,” said the mayor. “A new council will be seated in 2020. Maybe they can make headway. Meanwhile so many others sell themselves for money without taking off their clothes. Hypocrisy reigns.”

In other news:

The much-lambasted Colona curfew, lifted after 40 years this month, allows the Colonese the right to walk around after dark. Although traffic is immeasurable at present, town fathers and mothers project a surge in pedestrian behavior. Many strollers, however, remain hesitant to test their new freedoms.

A strong cross-section of those interviewed said they liked the curfew while others found it unreasonably restrictive in that it does not curtail the movement of wild animals allegedly living in the forests and mesas nearby.

– Melvin O’Toole

Broncos make curtain call with one quarterback

The Denver Broncos will begin the 2018 season with just one quarterback on the roster. Traditionally teams save one or two spots for backups at that position. Sources all over the league questioned the decision.

The move, however, allows the National Football League club to carry two extra cheerleaders.

The Denver Broncos will play with one quarterback on the roster so as to add two cheerleaders to that squad.

Quarterbacks are particularly vulnerable due to injuries suffered while engaged at the often-precarious role of play caller/field marshal. The one-man action was seen as reckless and risky at best according to local sports personalities.

“The expansion of the cheerleading and drill team should never take precedence over a strong, flowing offense or special teams,” said a former Bronco coach, who once banned women from football practices. “I feel differently today. I have nothing against a woman on the field in a short skirt just so long as she can fill in at outside linebacker.”

No one could confirm any link to the pre-season developments even as two former backups now line up with the practice squad. The two cheerleaders are undrafted free agents who impressed in camp, not waiver bait or throw-aways from other teams according to persons who have no idea what they are talking about.

“Things could easily change during the long season,” said the former coach, “but with the strict salary cap imposed by the NFL the Broncos could still end up on the short end when it comes to field crews, tackling dummies and Gatorade humpers.”

– Tommy Middlefinger