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Chinese Czechs Banned from

International Scrabble competition

Card counting scandal alleged

in Poker Faced and Out of Luck

Pagans set missionary budget for 2019

Funds once earmarked for conversions go to poor

in My Brother’s Beeper

Aggressive ameba eating the brain tissue

of aging world leaders

Hungry supporters watch and wait

in Medicine for the Wealthy

Supreme Quart Could Ban Beer on School Nights

Morality play could backfire on puritans

in Hops Till You Drop

Congress Missing in Fact-Finding Trip to Elbe

Napoleon’s haunt good place to store gold?

in The Joys of Off-Shore Banking

Plus a whole lot more to eat, drink, roll in and be afraid to approach.

Tune in the next time you’re on-line. Bookmark us!

Sun Vodka Takes the Sting Out of Winter!

Does your monthly bar bill leave you in a lurch? Well get off your duff and take control of your drinking! Our easy four-step distillation and circumnavigation method will keep your glass full and your senses distracted until better days come along.

It’s simple. You’ll need a three-pint jar and one or two potatoes, some water, sun and a little faith in science and metaphysics.*

fig # 1

fig # 2

First: Submerge potato** in 3 pints of water (figure one). Secure lid tightly. Place in the direct sunlight (figure two). Then wait three days (slightly less in altitudes over 7,000 feet). Garnish with potato wedge or olives – Enjoy! (figure three).

Capsulized version for those on the go:

1. potato in water in sun (Colorado has 322 sunny days per year. Choose a good one).

fig. # 3

2. Wait three days

3.  Serve ice-cold in chilled martini glass. Garnish with potato wedge and or olives. Put on your drinking clothes and enjoy.

*Chanting or praying over the three-pint mixture has been found to do nothing for quality, taste or enhancement of distillation process.
**One potato per assigned liquid is recommended although two potatoes will increase potency to around 110-proof. Best if used by 2150.

PINK FLOYD TAKES EXCEPTION TO CHINESE LUNAR PROBE

Far Side of the Moon? Pardon me

(LONDON) The much beloved rock and roll band, Pink Floyd, has no problem with people walking all over the moon. Whether they are American, Russian, Chinese or Martian makes no difference to the musical group that claims millions of listeners down here on earth.

What Pink Floyd does not appreciate is the reference to the Far Side of the Moon that, according to photos taken by the Chng’e 4 Rover, is not dark at all. Besides squashing legends akin to green cheese and the man in the moon, the soft touchdown on the lunar surface confirms the impossibility of direct communication from the earth.

“The far side of the moon always points away from the earth leading early astronomers to refer to it as the dark side of the moon,” said a Chinese astronaut who expects to land on the lunar surface sometime in 2019. “We love Pink Floyd but the lyrics in Dark Side of the Moon are incorrect!”

Claiming poetic license, Pink Floyd does not want to made out to be liars or lose the allegiance of its fan base due to “petty observations and the opinion of those who would discredit musical adaptation and mild reference to concepts held deep in our hearts and accepted in our vernacular.”

The Chang’e 4 landed in the Von Karman Crater in December, a landmark located on the far side of the celestial body. Scientists in Shanghai say they hope to further study the surrounding dirt and subsurface and send back photos proving there is no real dark side of the moon.

And this on the heels of the lunar development space explorers at Kepler Mission K2 say they have discovered an entire new world out of reach of our solar system. Called K2288Bb the project has detected countless planets and stars unknown to man before this date.

“Many of these planets could support life,” said a Kepler spokesperson. “This is an exiting discovery although it may take centuries to determine just what we have found here.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

No Lie Zone Riles Kellyanne, Huckabee Woman

An unprecedented No Lie Zone, banning both Kellyanne Conway and the Sarah Huckabee Sanders from the press conference microphone goes into affect this afternoon after much blind whining and tweeting by the Oval Office.

Calling his close advisors good Christians, the extramarital chief executive blasted the action taken by what he called “rogue factions of the U.S. military” over the weekend.

These two women are gold, “the last of the loyal,” said Trump.Liars have long noses. I don’t see any long noses here.”

The Air Force decided on the restrictions after burgeoning mistruths and childish explanations continued to flow from the two spokespersons. The No Lie Zone will be conducted much like a No Fly Zone that prohibits certain movements and access to conventional response.

“Farfetched tales emanating from this den of thieves would make Pinocchio blush,” said an unidentified source investigating Donald Trump’s golf handicap.

Both Kellyanne and Huckabee have been nominated to the prestigious Liar’s Hall-of-Fame in Truth or Consequences NM. In the recent past the honor has been bestowed on such great liars as Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin and Richard Nixon. Until 2009 the “society” was strictly men-only but due to pressure from the Obama Administration women are now eligible for induction.

“Sometimes it is difficult to separate the blatant lies from genetic stupidity,” continued the handicap scrutinizer, who shared concerns that Trump aides and devotees are worse than the product they support.

“Turning one’s attention away from criminals does nothing for the duped,” he added. “Is deceit now the business of the day?”

Meanwhile Mike Pence announced he would opt out on his final two years of WH eligibility and enter an assisted living agreement with Madame Tussauds Wax Museum for treatment in February. “Let’s just say he’s not joining the staff,” said a bystander familiar with the alteration.

– Small Mouth Bess

“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”
― George Orwell, 1984

And just in time for ’19

Sing Along With Mitch*

DISENGAGEMENT FROM A QUESTIONABLE MILITARY COMMITMENT?
LEAVING TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IS ONE APPROACH.
To the tune of Bringing in the Sheaves

Selling out the Kurds

 Sowing in the Mideast, sowing seeds of evil

Sowing in the moonlight shadows till the smoky end.

Waiting for the militants, and the time of weeping

We shall screw our allies, selling out the Kurds.

Refrain:

Selling out the Kurds, selling out the Kurds

Who shall watch Damascus ? Selling out the Kurds.

Selling out the Kurds, selling out he Kurds

Our one true friend in Syria, selling out the Kurds.

Sowing in the caliph, sowing in sand

Fools fear not ISIS, al Qaeda, or resurgent Taliban

By and by the struggle, the front line is absurd.

We shall be back stabbers, selling out the Kurds.

Going forth by reaping, sowing for the mullah

A promise made by dervish, our spirit’s broken words.

When the dead are buried no one bids us welcome

We shall come dishonored, selling out the Kurds.

Refrain

*Reference to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, and his kowtowing.
2nd reference to Mitch Miller and the Boys a choral-chorus popular in the 50s