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Irish-Danes Demand Seat on Security Council

(Queens) The recently recognized, DNA-legitimate ethnic group, the Irish-Danes contends it will not rest until it has secured a seat on the United Nations Security Council.

Threatening to return to the bloodthirsty days of all out pillage, plunder and piracy on the Irish and English coasts, the terrifying warriors affirmed that they are ready to take their place at the world’s banquet table or die trying.

“We will feast in New York or Valhalla,” said Thorgeson Brian McGinty, king of those that go a- viking with a terrifying trademark: Warriors wear nothing but a sword, shield and footwear, red hair flying, balls to the wall.

These fierce and able madmen (products of centuries of mutual cavorting on rainy nights in Ireland) are generally quite the spectacle, drawing throngs of adoring women to the shore. Historically, other eye witnesses were few and far between since most had fled to the interior at the first sign of the swift dragon ships on the horizon.

“It’s all up to the delegates,” said McGinty. “We can sit quietly and play with our ties like the others or go a-viking. Either way we will have our fun.”

Wooden ships, the long preferred transport of the hearty brigands, have clogged up both the Hudson and the East Rivers since Tuesday, bringing river traffic to a virtual standstill. These Celtic Norsemen have fleeced a fleet of beer trucks and broken a plethora of noise ordinances but police are wary of approaching them.

One police officer told a tale of depravity and deplorable merrymaking saying that the red-haired devils had absconded with several taxi cabs and were headed to the Hamptons for the weekend.

“They are insisting that we give them Brooklyn,” he said.

In a related piece the Dail Eireann today banned the use of the Irish language in that island country in hopes of revitalizing that ancient tongue.

“If we tell them it’s against the law to speak it they’ll all be studying up on it and a resurgence will follow. The pubs will soon be full to the brim with the beautiful chatter, said an uppity source from the lower house of the Irish legislature.

The British tried to destroy everything about the Irish culture in 700 years of occupation, including the application of genocide in the West, but that hasn’t worked out so well for them.

– Fred Zeppelin

Murphy’s Breath Welcomes Spring

Flora of Ireland  Part IV

Murphy’s Breath

Beautiful Murphy’s Breath in full bloom along a roadside in West Cork. The flower gives off its most pungent fragrance in the morning and can be detected in many public houses throughout the day, often culminating with sagging leaves in the evening. halitosias murphysonium

 

Common name: Murphy’s Breath

Scientific name: Murph-glabr B.spectibilis

Family: Hopocataginaceae

Color of flower: red to purple

Blooming time: April and May in West Cork

Propagation: Hard wood-wetlands. Origin: Cork City

 

Used as small hedge, hair dye, dental floss, potted patio plants or simply to admire from afar. Stale odor is said to drive away potential mates as well as predators large and small, and to effectively knock bothersome sea gulls off local excrement carts (with apologies to the late George Carlin).

compiled by Lord Lucan Gombeen

Celtic Cross in Castletownsend

A large Celtic cross stands watch in the cemetery at St. Barrahane’s Church. Outside the views are magnificent while inside stained glass and a beautiful organ await the visitor. The acoustics are such that concerts are performed here during the summer.

Putin Jokes Flourish on Heels of Ukraine Election

(Moscow) Putin jokes continue to deluge the Russian capital following the election of former comedian, Volodymyr Zelensky to the presidency of Ukraine. With his popularity dropping, Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has become the laughing stock of many within a fed up populace.

Whether or not the two distinct phenomena are related is anyone’s guess. The two countries have been in a state of war ever since pro-Russian elements began military action in Ukraine and Russia occupied the Crimea.

Zelensky, a Jewish comedian, won the recent election in a landslide showing popularity with all Ukrainians including Russian speakers in the east of the nation. Whether this reflects a decrease in anti-semitism and fascism in the European nation has yet to be determined.

What is particularly amusing is that he played the role of Ukrainian President on television.

“On the surface it’s like Donald Trump winning the election in the US after his appearances on reality TV,” said one Kiev journalist, who left the comparison there. “But the oligarchs here are defecating 5 kopiyoks (Ukrainian nickels) at the thought of Zelensky taking the helm while the fat cats in the US flagrantly support Trump.”

The Putin jokes, a genre most of us do not associate with The Kremlin, are popping up everywhere overnight, like the cork in a bottle of vintage vodka. Many refer to the shape of his head while others speak of his gangster tactics and laugh at him for his ham-fisted bullying of opponents.

Sputnik News Service was quick to blame liberals in the West while some for Soviet potatoheads blame CIA. Here are a few of the better jokes:

1. If a bus with Vladimir Putin fell 800 feet from a cliff would anyone survive? Who cares?

2. If you go fishing with Putin how do you keep him from drinking all the vodka? Bring along Czar Nicholas, Vladimir Rasputin and Catherine the Great.

3. How many political prisoners does it change a Light bulb? Thousands, even though there may not be electricity today.

4. Trump and Putin walk into this bar. Trump asks Putin what to order. Putin says, “Just do what I do.”

As funny as these jokes have been in recent weeks the crime of telling one is an invitation to be poisoned or meet thugs in an alley.

How many ex-KGB thugs does it take to sabotage the chance of freedom in Ukraine? We will have to wait and see.

Administrative SNUFU Leaves Thousands Excommunicated

(Rome) A simple computer glitch has left tens of thousands of Roman Catholics in a bureaucratic purgatory this morning with little hope of sorting things out before the Easter holiday. As of this morning they remain excommunicated, or severed from their church.

Apparently someone high up in the Vatican gave the go ahead to delete over 70,000 of the faithful from what was wrongly designated as a “fallen away” list. The move has caused great confusion and anger leaving many with questions about eternal salvation and access to sacred rituals.

“We can’t explain what happened but we’ll sort it out before Holy Week gets into full swing,” said a Vatican treasury official. “Those affected should not worry. Despite the temporary status as the damned they will be reinstated quickly and painlessly.

Church officials publicly played down the possibility of enacting another Spanish Inquisition while privately expressing concern as to the impact on collections and tithing as many have lost trust in the ancient religious hierarchy.

“If we survived the sex scandals of late we’ll be alright,” said the Archbishop of Styx. “One has to realize how frightened people are of the Great Beyond. We simply need to remind them of the fires that await them if they dare to detour from our teachings. They will forgive us our sins as we forgive theirs,” he smiled.

– Saul Tarsus

Feds conclude tests on marijuana smoking

(Doolittle Park) The U.S. federal gov’ment, rumored to be located on the east coast of North America, has been struggling to find data linking marijuana to an assortment of health risks. Saying the study seeks to protect the American public from demon weed the analysis appears aimed at propping up the black market and the boys at Big Pharm. Here are some of the latest warnings. Please be careful.

1. Smoking marijuana causes distrust of the government and most sacred institutions.

2. The use of cannabis has been linked to silliness and a feeling that one is surrounded by a world gone mad.

3. Marijuana causes cavities, dandruff, variations in the color scale, lilt and excessive body odor after 2 weeks.

4. Marijuana causes one to eat cookies and stay indoors when temperatures reach twenty below zero.

5. Using pot while traversing unprotected cliffs (or tightropes) while blindfolded is dangerous to one’s health.

6. Smoking marijuana could result in a false sense of well-being and in extreme cases may result in the smoker watching Star Trek and Beverly Hillbillies reruns.

7. Smoking pot may lead to such dangerous behavior as chronic gardening, hiking, lovemaking and/or gourmet cooking.

8. The use of cannabis may cause the embrace of pagan holidays instead of those imposed by the mainstream religious hierarchy.

9. When coupled with dangerous music, marijuana often has been found to cause 88% of test cases to dance.

10 Users often need 6 – 8 hours sleep to function properly in our modern world. Chronically addicted puffers often talk to cat and dogs.

For more turn to Reefer Madness Sequel to Grace Theaters in August.