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What is being described as an aggressive, orbiting wedge of gelatin-like meat the size of Philadelphia is headed for earth. After gobbling up Jupiter and spitting out Neptune the greasy mass has not been stopped, or even slowed, despite the combined efforts of military factions and the deployment of every weapon known to man.

Shedding its natural skin or heliosheath the blob-like Spam meteor has picked up speed and debris (space litter) while crossing over the heliosphere. It was hoped the reverse would occur but gravitational pull was galvanized and tropical storms in our solar system never materialized.

Observation points on dwarf planets have been evacuated and researchers have been ordered to tighten their Kuiper belts until the emergency passes. In the case of a direct hit survivors are directed to stay out of the sun and search for potable water.

-Warren of Wexley

Grandmother grandfathered says coucil

“I hauled these marmots in here!”

Grandma Wishbonze will be allowed to keep her geraniums after a council ruling. (Police file photo)

A 96-year-old great grandmother has won a battle against city hall today after a lengthy struggle. The issue was her geraniums and the odor common to the floral specimens.

“My flowers ain’t hurtin’ anyone,” said Myrna Wishbonze, a former defendant turned victorious.

“The whole neighborhood still stinks of these cranesbills, said Owen W. Sieve, Executive director of the Happy Hills Homeowners Association. We could hardly smell our steaks cooking on the grill anymore. The woman has to be controlled.

Local authorities thought better and it was decided that the flowers remain since they were rooted here first and that the homeowners should pursue other agenda items “avoiding the petty and concentrating on community.”

Grandma Wishbonze “has been singled out for harassment by a group of tired old farts with nothing else to do but upset the donkey cart” said a memo from the mayor’s office. “Enough is enough. We must preserve the right to play outside the box. Down with cultural homogenization! Long live the eccentric!”

“Some people just seem to enjoy these petty little confrontations while half the planet is out looking for something to eat,” said Sasha Remakee, a former botanical activist who was elected to the local council on the Red Petal Ticket in November.

Remakee is best known for her investigative roll and butter routine that shined light on tofu gravy shortcuts, ersatz coffee and pancakes filled with hot air down at Red’s (Cafe) near Wimpton Nuclear Plant.

“It was that second-shift lunch special that got her elected in the first place,” sobbed Sieve.

Later she stunned followers by backpedaling on claims that she her mother had been a decorated, tone-deaf fighter pilot in World War I. (A claim she later reclaimed).

Then, according to a re-print of an article from Caucasian Nation, Remakee shocked a died-in-the-wool contingent of Mayflower devotees reminding them that many Blacks and Latinos can claim an American heritage that began painfully before the Pilgrims dropped anchor.

Meanwhile Grandma Wishbonze is tickled that she can keep her flowers. I have names for reach and every one of them,” she whispered, “although they don’t always respond to my syllabic pruning.”

A retired physical education teacher (Pea Green Academy), Wishbonze penned over 400 articles on Body Chemistry and Water Law from her Orchestral Home before the flooding in West Paradox in the early 80s. In addition she functioned as president of the Good Grammar Pioneers on Wong Mesa. In 2008 she was officially proclaimed grandmother of everyone in Shavano Valley and interested families living east of the The West Canal.

“Hell, I hauled these marmots in here.” she teased, “right after Uncle Dave hauled in the San Juans.” alluding to some great-relative or another.

– Dusty Pearl

Rating the South American Telenovelas

Every afternoon a deep peace descends in neighborhoods and small towns all over the South American continent. From Bogota to Buenos Aires and from Santiago to Guadalajara blinds are pulled and shutters dropped against the midday sun and peering eyes. The plot unfolds…slowly…very slowly for dramatic affect much like the tedious television news and the hyped up weather.

 TV Critics insist that these dramas are poorly concocted and methodically presented but they are part of life for millions who watch them religiously and contribute to the phenomenon. Some are sexy. Some are just windows in lives passing by. Others are the jumping off point for the celebrities of the future. Some seem more real than we do.

 Here are our favorites: Keep in mind that if you miss a week or so you can quickly catch back up as most of scenarios lap themselves and the intrigue is spent on the trailers. Tune in where overacting, bad organ music and well-worn narratives rule.

Herederos de Una Venganza

Perhaps the best known of all the Argentine daytime dramas, this never-mundane, always surprising favorite cascades down the mountain to the sea where cold beaches and windy plateaus await the brave and fearless. Don’t cry for me Argentina! Land stealing, cattle rustling, vintage wines, Cuban cigars, wife stealing, husband seducing episodes break from tradition. Scantily dressed gauchos parade through the ages whispering warnings about the embrace of lust and the disregard for etiquette.

La Maria Del Barrio

Long-running Mexican production with poor girl rags to riches theme. The heroine finds herself living in the house of the local patron where she falls in love with his handsome son. Sadly so have all of the other girls in town leaving Maria doting over the lost love she never had in the first place. Is Luis Fernando worth her standing in town? Will she be admonished by the extended family when they arrive for her odd brother’s Quinceanera in just a few days?

El Cartel de los Sapos

Ramon “Stoolie” Guzman runs aground when he tries to sell a bag of outdated chicharron to his former bosses in the cartel. This Colombian masterpiece dwells a little too long on the glories of drug smuggling and was kicked off the air in Panama and Ecuador. Collaboration with the police does not always work out well Guzman finds out one night at the bar that he is being watched by the very people he fingered. In keeping with a flowing anatomy they plan to break our hero’s arms and legs.

Mi Gorda Bella

Fat girl in Venezuela overcomes her challenges and becomes the top cosmetic surgeon in the region while the political climate diminishes along with her wealthy clientele. Her poorly plotted escape route is discovered and she is forced into the arms of the rogue police investigator Ricardo Muntante, renowned cyclist and muralist in Caracas. Will Julia stay off the sweets or will she join the millions of destitute dispossessed on miracle diets?

La Usurpadora

Love, money and betrayal…Can they all arrive at once? Bad acting and a horrible soundtrack overshadow this insipid plot. The untimely Mexican melodramatic music creeps its way into each episode like some whiney punctuation mark or a dose of simple syrup for the intrepid caste at bedtime. We have Paulina, Paola, Paul, Paulito, Paulette, Pablo and Pillar. Paulina and Paola were Siamese twins separated at birth. The others are just window dressing. Cameos by Mother Delphin fail to prop up the imbecilic exchanges and tempered threats that fly about the stage.

Las Juanas

This popular Colombia soap focuses on five daughters, fathered by Jorge Lucinn aka “Juan”. Rather than face up to responsibilities of parenting Lucinn goes out and starts another family. Soon the humane society captures Juan and begins the process of elimination. Caribbean scenes and lazy lifestyle are relaxing but go nowhere. Beach umbrellas are never enough to protect civilization from global warming while mindless coffee commercials irritate even the channel surfer.

O Clone

Far-fetched Brazilian presentation based on cloned lovers, Muslims from Rio and a naughty shoe convention. Jade, the Saharan princess is the prize but doesn’t know it until it’s too late. Armani, the sailor severed from the sea looks for credibility in a salty world far from the waves. His clone steals his woman duty-free and the two run off to Mozambique where they introduce daytime dramas to the capital, Maputo, the adopted city of Fred Sanford.

Donde Esta Elisa?

This suspenseful Chilean program focuses on the disappearance of the daughter of a Brahmin family in Santiago. Secrets quickly emerge when all of the family members become suspects despite airtight alibis. Kidnappers troll the wealthy suburbs while the cops dine on black eel and sip from tumblers of Don Melchor.

Muneca Brava

Hopeless love, the cruel orphan culture, heirs to fabulous fortune and love-hate flings thrive amid stimulating pampas muscle spasms. Inside the garden we see the restful pace of Olivia Chui, a disbarred attorney who joins the convent only to find she does like men, as long as they know their place. After much soul searching Olivia, played by Kid Malbec, and her newfound mate’ gourd and bombilla, leave the bright lights of the LaPlata for the Gran Chaco to open a Chicharia. Although a relative newcomer, this Argentine novela has claimed its place in television history.

-Ezmerelda de Rocha


(Five Points) The most recent episode of the popular Curtis Park Zombies series will include cameos and some surreal scenes sure to give baseball fans the creeps. You guessed it — It’s your Colorado Rockies up to their necks in late inning horrors.

Panning the outfield as the bullpen projects lions and Christians on a giant third base screen the film takes us inside the training room after another loss. Guillotines and Sartre fight broken bats and sunflower seeds for locker space. Coaches stare. Players wander. Coolers are ripped from their mounts by super-human mutants, half alive and half dead.

Curtis Park in the 60s. “A sullen spot perfectly adaptive to black and white film.”

From there it’s a dreamy trip through expectations and disappointments from ankle injuries to head cases.

“You can’t even find a seat in the dugout with these bastards all around,” one player is heard to say during a rain delay that lasts until dawn. “There’s tobacco plug all over the steps. Can’t they spit it out onto the field like normal people?”

As tensions mount Zombies are joined by local vampires in extra innings followed by a gala fireworks show. Then everyone goes home, avoiding lonely places, dark shadows and the walking deceased in Rockies’ memorabilia.

A particularly distressing commotion ensues when the Bud Black character attempts to light a fire under his players only to burn down Coors Field. Wait! Is that another version of God Bless America playing ever so softly in the background? But this is only the third inning and…

The last Zombie team to reside in Colorado was the Denver Bears of 1920.

The premier black and white movie, Curtis Park Zombies, was shot in 1965 when the neighborhood was still home to winos and warehouses. It was meant as a nostalgic and even endearing look at zombies in the Rockies before the inevitable gentrification was still bulldozers away.

One moment worth recounting occurs immediately after the credits, that showcases the Rockies stacking their bats in surrender mode. The sad display, akin to the Waltz of the Lemmings in Rigoletto, precedes the return of crates of nearly new Louisville Sluggers to Louisville for retooling.

– Tommy Middlefinger

BLM relocates to manage land

(Bland Valley) The Bureau of Land Management has moved to Grand Junction so as to be closer to the millions of sagebrush acres that it now manages. The transfer will bring some 30 quality jobs with it plus it is expected to create several more.

“The impact will be soft and subtle but in time it will have a major affect,” said Otto Ptarmigan, executive director of executive directors for the executive director. “One of the bigger benefits will occur when the satellite jobs and support networks begin to emerge.”

The move has caught many residents unprepared. Some say they welcome the BLM as a good neighbor while others see the bureau as just another top-heavy ball of red tape sucking tax dollars as it goes its merry way.

“The idea of situating a rural/free range institution in the city when its main focus is elsewhere is ridiculous,” agreed Smiley Frouwn, of Palisades. “We can accommodate the BLM and the employees can enjoy a more relaxed, natural lifestyle.”

Some 65% of local residents polled welcomed the move while a startling 28% admitted that they had no idea how men and women driving around in pickups could manage so much as a clump of sagebrush.

“The government knows best and always has,” said an official press release. “The BLM is accountable for trees and bushes too.”

– Susie Compost

For an updated version of this story see “Woman Bites Marmot – Fined by DOW”

Man Shot From Cannon Lands in Hospital

(Wimpton-on-Uncompahgre) A 27-year-old man, shot from a cannon Thursday during the Annual Chicken Hawk Gun Show and Fireworks, is resting comfortably at St Roscoe’s Hospital here. He is expected to be cheated and released after the weekend.

The barely unidentifiable fodder of flesh and bones had volunteered to be propelled in this curious black powder manner. He was allegedly attempting to elude his girlfriend’s six brothers who had only recently pledged to beat him senseless due to non-committal romantic interludes and “promises to keep”.

Although the artillery exercise went smoothly the human cannonball landed hard in the reserved seats at the rodeo arena. He was rescued by EMTs and taken to St Roscoe’s. He is now quite a celebrity over on the Psychiatric Wing.

“At first we figured him as a goner,” said one medical technician on the scene. “Then we thought he’d have to be flown over to the Mao Clinic but he is sitting up eating breakfast this morning, shaken but alive.”

He is currently experiencing a slight hearing loss but doctors assure us that condition will either improve or could get worse as treatment continues.

The episode marks the first time since the battle of Glorieta Pass that a human being has been launched by field gun or mortar. Back them it was often a necessity, in lieu of tanks or air power, to advance hesitant troops in an orderly fashion.

“When the assembled troops saw what happened to one malingerer they all went over the top and charged the enemy position without further delay,” said a local history source from the gun show. “Armies shot scouts and forward observation soldiers out of cannons until the perfection of the polyester parachute and invention of the hot air balloon and later the helicopter.

Authorities have still not released the name of the victim until family members can be identified while the persons responsible for lighting the fuse have been apprehended, although lawyers insist the evidence is smoky at best.

“No one forced this lunatic into the cannon,” they said “Let them try to prove intent or criminal action. Lots of stranger things have occurred during the heat of the battle.”

Hospital officials confirmed that wearing a helmet probably saved the man’s life. A book deal is already in the works.

-Fred Zeppelin