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Handy Quotes for the Times:

“This is rich people, Manchurian Global, funding bad science, to put a sleeper in the White House, and that’s what’s going on Rosie. That’s what’s going on.”     – Ben Marco in The Manchurian Candidate

“People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook. I earned everything I’ve got.”    – Richard Nixon, during  the Watergate Scandal

“The slow-rising central horror of Watergate is not that it might grind down to the reluctant impeachment of a vengeful thug of a president whose entire political career has been a monument to the same kind of cheap shots and treachery he finally got nailed for, but that we might somehow fail to learn something from it.”   Hunter S. Thompson

It’s not easy being a mosquito

By Buzz Ticke

Swat away if you must. We can’t help what we are or what we become at what you call “feeding time”. There are worse parasites!

All the fuss about a little blemish or a bump that goes away in a day or so. Did you know that male mosquitoes/midges are a member of the fly family? Although we are particularly proud of the connection to those dirty little pests, biology is the final assessor. Males like me live only a week that makes for a tense relationship with females who live up to a few months.

Plus we don’t carry diseases, well usually. Hey, look how small and transparent we are. Where would we carry them? All the chatter about malaria, dengue and yellow fever is fake news. Mosquitoes that carry these life-threatening maladies live in foreign countries where you should never go anyway.

Bats, drought, pesticides, drained pools and sudden cold weather leave us mosquitoes with our asses hanging out. We are forced to work long hours, adhere to seasonal feeding times, get bad blood and yield to primitive breeding methods.

We male mosquitoes don’t bite but we still get squashed and sprayed just like the bloodthirsty females of the species.

So what are a tiny little bite and a puffy welt in comparison to survival. Oh, don’t worry we will never be on anyone’s endangered list but it’s certainly no picnic here. People hate us. Bats see us as a gourmet treat and even some birds munch on our flimsy limbs.

Is it my fault is it that there is standing water everywhere, the pool needs to be cleaned and an unattended birdbath? Well that is a mortal sin! Best advice: Spray with chemicals. Stay in the house in front of a fan and wait. Once the cold weather arrives we will be gone with the wind.

Franklins Recalled

(Denver Mint) The United States Treasury has begun pulling popular Benjamin Franklin $100-dollar bills out of circulation. The action follows a wagonload of charges linked to alleged sexual indiscretion on the part of American icon dating back to the 1700s.

Franklin, a gifted inventor, intellectual and signer of the Declaration of Independence has been accused of initiating unwanted predatory sexual advances by a cross-section of woman in both Philadelphia and Paris from 1760 – 1785. No one has admitted or denied anything at this time, in part because the actions allegedly took place over 230 years ago.

Whether creditable witnesses can be reached or if accusers will simply emerge is anyone’s guess. Potential prosecutors are still out to lunch on the matter and, what with the clogged courts, a preliminary hearing has already been kicked back to 2023.

Official USA-IOU Bar Napkins will temporarily replace the currency. These are available at various government outlets and through the Office of Tax Reduction and National Debt. In addition voters can pick up the coded bar napkins at the polling booth in November unless the world ends first. The original Franklins, for decades honored as proud standards of our republic, are now technically out of circulation.

Benjamin Franklin often dismissed critics (vis-a-vis his pants down approach) citing his chronic gout, adding that it was still the 18th Century and the progressive ideas promoted by the Sons of Liberty did not yet tender sympathy for the plight of female counterparts or consequences for perpetrators. In short: It wasn’t his fault that he was charming and of means. It wasn’t his doing that created the sins of Paris. He was only a studious observer who felt compelled to join in and enjoy what he was observing.

It remains unclear whether it will end up being cheaper to simply substitute for the engraving of Franklin and keep the current bills or print brand new ones with someone else’s mug in the hot spot. Citizens have already filed 2000 nominations to replace the late and amorous statesman. Some arrive with little kites and keys attached. Some are written in Chinese and Russian.

An alternate/radical printing effort in Denver has proposed using not Poor Richard (from the almanac) but instead Little Richard, the rock n roller, on the bills. Three times as many people interviewed by phone recognized the song “Betty Lou’s Gettin’ Out Tonight than could identify the “A penny saved is a penny earned”. So be it.

“By the time they plough through all the red tape $100 will be worth only $50 anyway,” said a local numismatist, “so it might be easier to trade blankets for whiskey. Get it?”

– Fanny Albright

Colorado Golf Courses Look to Hemp as Savior

(Mañana) Many local golf courses could be watering hemp instead of grass by 2020. Over the past two seasons the herb has emerged as a favorite of the thirsty recreation industry in the Rockies and other dry, high altitude fairways.

Although the beautiful aspen and pine would not be disturbed and the out-of-bounds would still be dominated by wicked sagebrush and cedar, the fairways, tee boxes and even the greens would be nurtured as and comprised of hemp.

Work-a-day golfers appear to have been caught with their drivers down due to changes that would be taking place and dollars that would be saved. Elite memberships have applauded the fiscal benefits of industrial hemp mowed and tapered to a fine trim. They say there have been no complaints.

“It gives a new meaning to the word “fairway”, said Harry Player, professional at Mother of Pearl Ski and Golf in Wimpton.

“It flourishes with less water than grass creating a powerfully dense landscape and attractive out of bounds area,” he said. “It’s naturally resistant to most pests. It winds its way tightly and out-competes most weeds. It in harmony with most climates and soil types and the scent is restful and serene. It’s so good the gov’ment had to make it illegal so the oil and lumber interests could survive,” he laughed.

Instructors in Washington and Oregon, who have observed the affects of hemp on handicaps, say their students are less demanding and regular players are more relaxed resulting fewer strokes and better scores. Despite the common distractions associated with the herb the overall affect is quite functional in 85% of the cases tested. The plant has a calming affect even without the THC component.

Meanwhile in golf course snack bars and lunch counters sales are brisk with appetites enticed by the tantalizing aromas and pungent floral display. Maintenance and office staff appear comfortable surrounded by the almost idyllic growth, are more relaxed and therefore more productive. Hemp parking lots, which have been around for decades, create shade and allow for a natural blueprint and further green space to be enjoyed by the community.

Several Confront Range courses are already using hemp oil to power golf carts saving money and providing a smoother ride over newly mowed hemp landing zones and grassy greens. Most say they will phase out grass altogether by 2025. Soon, industry spokesmen predict, a majority of sport facilities will turn toward the herb to provide everything from sunscreen to flood lights to ball washers, and at half the cost.

“We don’t need Chinese promotional products anymore either,” crowed an enthusiastic greenskeeper. “We’ll be crafting our own caps, gloves,  and polos with hemp instead of cotton, which requires the application of dangerous pesticides and more water to thrive. Next year we hope to introduce golf bags made of domestically raised hemp.”

– Rex Monteleone

(Warning: The U.S. Assembly of Chips and Putts reminder: Inbounds smoking of cannabis on most green zone courses, while seemingly in perfect rhythm with your swing and your attitude is strictly forbidden by federal law. Violators will be arrested and put into private prisons where they will rake sand traps and build fence until their quart date emerges.)

Cattlemen’s Days – Hot Summer and Good Times

Rodeo fans enjoy a Colorado Saturday night in Gunnison.

Rox Relief pitchers to be paid by the hour

With the exception of both Wade Davis and Adam Ottavino, Colorado Rockies relief pitchers will now be paid by the hour. Rescinding former salaries (such as the $27 million paid to Jake McGee for three years) the new scale takes into account past performances and introduces healthy incentive packages to mound keepers who can keep the lid on in the later innings.

Hopeless hurlers such as Brian Shaw (27 million over 3 years) Mike Dunn ($19 million over three years) Chris Rusin ($1.3 million for one year) and Scott Oberg (a measly 550,000 to blow games – with a 4-0 record to boot!) are dead weight on the team’s hot air ballon. Imagine the price of beer if the team could regulate or outright shed these expenses paid out to people who have not performed well.

“We’d be just as well to dig a hole in left field and throw the money into it,” said one former coach. “The big shots in the front office continually foul up but will not admit their mistakes (Take Ian Desmond for example).

And if the wasted offensive effort was not enough McGee and Dunn have informed the Rockies that they would be joining the circus when it comes through town in August.

“The circus has picked up several options on Shaw and Rusin but we are not clear as to the details at the moment,” quacked a Rockies’ bigwig who is slated to be fed to the lions as part of Denver Zoo/Cougar-Bubblehead Night in September.

Circus officials did not return our calls but issued a joint statement on Friday confirming a slew of the rumors and suggested, “our lions are very hungry too.”

– Neville Hoser