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State to burn excess run-off

(Denver) Due to rumors of increased moisture this spring state officials will begin burning excess run-off as early as next week, according to an unreliable spokesperson here. The controlled burns would be centered on areas of excess water depth including defiant snow fields, permanent wetlands and alpine swampy regions thought to be the source of great rivers.

     Man-made reservoirs will most likely be exempt from the flames since most are tied up in use litigation or remain under the jurisdiction of municipal ownership.

     “What we want to avoid here is late summer flooding when all that snow decides to come rushing down the mountain,” said one Front Range ditch rider. We’ll be confiscating Rocky Mountain spring water, un-seeding clouds and condemning mountain lakes that were nowhere to be seen last summer.”

Ponds used for agriculture, illegal estuaries and backyard swimming pools will receive no quarter in this latest attempt to divert nature.

Officials in Arapahoe County expressed dismay that the run-off would have to be destroyed saying that they have a right to the water since it is not currently employed in industry or agriculture.

“If we had even half the water earmarked for burning we could build thousands of new houses connected by miles of highways going nowhere,” said one local politician.

Desert states served by Colorado River basin water will have until early June to fill toilet tanks and hot tubs before their burgeoning sources are cut off.

“We really enjoy the part where we turn off the Big Faucet and watch their lawns turn to dust,” said one Colorado Water Board spokesman.

Skeptics of the plan say there is no way the state can effectively burn water. In addition they say the water would be better dumped into the ocean than burned. Proponents of the controlled burn say the targeted water will be flammable enough after the introduction of combustible chemicals.

“We’re doing our level-headed best to keep these ignitable additives out of the ground water but, frankly, we won’t know the results until we can accumulate valid feedback from citizens,” said one water wizard. “Insofar as pouring the water into the ocean, that would be am expensive proposal and besides, there’s all that salt with which to contend.”   

– Pepper Salte       

Colorado will file charges against tomato purveyors

(Garden of the Gods) Colorado is finally confronting bad tomatoes that, like apples, can spoil the bushel. In an unsuspected reshuffling of produce priorities the attorney general’s office will pursue criminal charges against parties bringing tasteless fruit into the state.

A tomato that look like a tomato but tastes like cardboard is the target of the action. Besides sending a dangerous message to taste buds these pulpy nightshade phonies seriously protract and decelerate gastronomic advancements common to other cultures.

Acknowledging that these efforts is not meant as vague consumer protection or the adoption of cloudy restrictions on the import of other fruits and vegetables the prosecutors agreed that legislation alone will not improve taste. Harvesting the tomatoes while they are not ripe is the bugaboo that ranks shipping ease ahead of quality. Until this practice is remedied the problem will remain.

‘Past failures at setting the bar for what is a good tomato and what is a bad one have needlessly created a culinary emergency,” said a spokesman for the state. “Misappropriation in quality control, corporate expediency, mindless consumerism and outright fraud have all contributed to this mess,” she said.

“If people would simply refuse to buy these facsimiles and demand the real thing the market would correct itself overnight,” said a green grocer who refuses to sell fake produce. “These red herrings are nothing more than replicas, like the plastic offerings that inhabit non-perishable bowls in tacky kitchen displays and Dutch Master still-life paintings.”

Plans to subsidize organic gardens remains on the table with many lawmakers edgy that people have already accepted these impersonators as the real thing like they often do with so many other civic and clerical intrusions into their lives.

“At this point we are not looking at a blockade or of imposed sanctions against perpetrators but all options are still in play,” said a source from the attorney general’s office. “However we are monitoring public input which often turns resentful, even bitter as traditional summer salad season emerges.

– Pepper Salte

STATE DEPARTMENT ISSUES TRAVEL WARNING

(WASHINGTON) U.S. Dept of State – Bureau of Consular Affairs has issued a travel warning for a sagging perimeter between New York and Los Angeles effective midnight tonight EST.

The advisory was posted for travelers to and within the United States due to the existence of “unsafe, unstable institutions, and a population prone to violence.” It went on to say that “Despite rampant jingoism and much flag waving the entire nation is polarized beyond recognition wallowing in the dust swirls of distrust.”

The government agency classified the Eastern Seaboard as sketchy and tourists were urged to employ increased precaution when visiting the region. Meanwhile the Midwest was tagged with a reconsider travel recommendation and the South was labeled as do not travel.

The notification council and comfort status are based entirely on rumors and questionable appraisals by people familiar with these kinds of issues. Experiences depend entirely on a long roster of variables, comfort being comparative and security being relative.

– Warren of Wexley

Apple releases core data on iBreathe

(Gunnison) The Apple Corporation confirmed today that Gunnison, Colorado has been designated official test market for its new iBreathe tablet. The iBreathe, a kissing cousin to iPad, e-Books and iPhone, will reportedly take over human bodily functions such as breathing and digestion while it corners daily constitutionals such as eating, drinking, sleeping and regularity.

According to Apple executives, the iBreathe will go a long way toward freeing up users for other functions such as tantric meditation, skiing and yard work.

“We’re proud of this one,” said someone who used to work at Apple, “and hope that by next year we can address the human factor, which continues to get in the way of technology. In short, we hope to introduce earth shattering products that will allow people to live on the planet without minimal effort.

Gunnison was chosen due to a curious harmony that exists between gadgetry and the great outdoors. People here, according to Apple researchers remain transfixed in a sort of reality limbo where state-of-the-art mountain bikes easily blend with the hardware of tomorrow and the frightening software common to full screen mode. Hick tech with a bagel. It is a distinct scenario that exists in few locales.

“We expect to see people more relying on these sorts of products to get through the day,” said one local computer game standout. “If one grows tired of natural body functions he can flip a switch and the iBreathe will do these for him.

The iBreathe is guaranteed to allow those living off the grid to stay in touch and help develop the computer skills that will be mandatory down the road. Although many fear that the inability to digest the barrage of computer lingo will lead to social and economic disaster, Apple says affordability will win out in the end.

The iBreath costs under $400,000 and is guaranteed for the life of the user. The investment, continues Apple, is about that of an overpriced house in the suburbs.

“We can clearly see the day when everyone will adapt their lives to computers, and not the other way around,” said a press release received this afternoon.

Our source had no comment when asked if Apple had developed similar products for pets and houseplants.

– Susie Compost

Jack’s Cabin Librarian Accused of Grand Larceny

(Almont) A veteran librarian here has been accused of stealing more than $10,000 from the county. The missing funds were reported this morning by library examiners from Powderhorn.

“The missing cash was stored in three cellophane bags marked with an X, said one investigator. “Most is in the form of crisp $50 bills with assorted change totaling $10,346.93.”

Authorities ask that anyone with information on the location of the loot call Crime Shoppers or simply come forward. A small reward is offered.

 

“Hair is the first thing. And teeth the second. Hair and teeth. A man got those two things he’s got it all.”    James Brown (1933 – 2006)

Kim Clings to Emotional Support Nukes

(Seoul) With a groundbreaking summit close at hand, Kim Jong-un, Dear Leader of North Korea, is still not budging on an emotional support nuke clause in the preliminary agreements earmarked to be signed near the demilitarized zone on Friday.

The controversial clause calls for Kim’s continued possession of at least one small nuclear weapon as an emotional support vehicle. The North Korean despot would maintain the right to travel with and display the weapon through 2020. The continued custody was not expected to be a point of contention in a massive financial aid package offered by the West in return for the dismantling of Kim’s nuclear arsenal.

“Dear Leader needs emotional support to be sure,” said one former aide now in hiding in Laos. And what says buttress like an atomic bomb? People have emotional support dogs, emotional support financiers, even emotional support teams. Kim craves the security that can only be realized by the Big One close at hand. In short the North Korean leader wants to insure that he will retain some bang for his buck within the coming negotiations.

“It’s an ominous security blanket,” said the source.

In a related development diplomats insist that Kim Jong-un’s apparent change of heart when it comes to talking with the United States has nothing whatsoever with Kim’s alleged desire to meet porn star Stormy Daniels. Rumors have been flying in the Forbidden City that President Trump would “see to the introductions” in return for China’s help reigning in Kim.

“Chinese foreign Minister Wang Yi, his counterpart Ri Young of North Korea and Chinese President, Xi Jinping have been accused by human rights advocates of curousing in the company of Western floozies but Trump has yet to be linked to these high-level, low-end moral infractions.

– Yangtze Go Homme