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—APOLOGY—

Last month the San Juan Horseshoe incorrectly reported that residents of Crested Butte, Lake Irwin, Gothic and Jack’s Cabin could receive their annual giardia shots at the Animal Hospital at Crested Butte on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9 am till noon on May 6.
The release should have read Mondays and Tuesdays through May 13. Sorry for any inconvenience. The baby journalist who filed the story has been fired, her ancestral home at Meridian Lake burned to the ground.

Patients are again reminded to shun alcoholic beverages for at least three weeks prior to subjecting themselves to this litigious and experimental witchcraft. Residents of Crested Butte, Rosebud Gulch, Pittsburg and Elkton can procure giardia shots for a nominal fee at any of the St. Roscoe clinics that tend to overpopulate the Upper Gunnison Valley. These lucky few are not required to avoid alcohol in any form, in fact they are encouraged to drink large quantities of the stuff prior to the immunization.

State mulls allocating DUI profits for 550 fix

(Denver)  Department of Transportation officials today confirmed that the agency is considering the use of DUI profits to repair Highway 550 in Western Colorado.

The announcement, which reportedly caught many bureaucrats off guard, comes as a result of a spike in traffic fatalities from Montrose to Farmington, New Mexico. The highway, which was built to handle far less traffic than it accommodates today, has been called outdated, dangerous and often subject to serious congestion at rush hour times.

“There are lots of bad stretches beyond Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank Passes,” said one C-Dot engineer. Two-lane roads abound and are often negotiated by urban drivers not accustomed to lower speed limits, winter conditions and no passing zones.”

The sum of said funds, acquired through the enforcement of drunk driving laws, was not disclosed although insiders suggest that it is “quite a bundle”. No one in the extended gov’ment seems to know where the funds reside and what they were used for up until now.

“Even after everyone gets his cut we still have a surplus,” continued the source. “We have already spent an immoral amount on the militarization of police departments.”

Some small Colorado towns now boast of police departments loaded with armored vehicles, assault weaponry and arsenals that compete with the standing armies of small African nations.

The earmarking of funds for highway restoration is a complex maneuver requiring extensive study. This commitment to safety and well-being may require months of lunches, fact-finding vacations and closed-door contract bids.

“We owe a debt to the brave, albeit stupid, drivers who get behind the wheel after a beer or two,” explained the transportation source. Without them we wouldn’t be able to proceed on this life and death crusade.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Elvis Deniers to speak at CU in March

(Boulder) A travelling contingent of diehard Elvis agnostics will undress students and faculty here in late March despite complaints and threats leveled by opponents.

The thee-hour evening seminar is part of a weeklong program aimed at dispersing untruths about celebrities, liberals and telling the real story of American culture. The principles say they decided to begin with Elvis since he demands a lot of attention even from millennials and people not alive during the reign of Presley.

“We come to renounce the king,” blasted cheap speakers from SUVs parked around the stage to keep out angry critics who have pledged to disrupt the event. “Why is it that the left wingers have clear access to this podium but the right wing is banned from sharing its message? I thought liberals were for the egalitarian approach. Maybe not.”

The visitors plan to disavow the existence of Elvis, despite mounds of evidence that he existed. They insist that the radio payola people created him, contending that his ghost is nothing more than laughable and that people who still worship Elvis need reeducation or swift kick in the pants.

“If he is real then prove it,” pressed one Elvis denier in red, white and blue. “He was never here and he’s damn sure not coming back to gather his fans and spend eternity at Graceland. Many of his fans miss out on the beauties of life on earth waiting to be rescued by their hero any day now. How sad.”

– Pepper Salte

“If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true were really true, there would be little hope of advance.” – Orville Wright

Amazon Planned to ship displaced to Greenland

(Queens) A plot to relocate thousands of people from a designated neighborhood earmarked for a controversial Amazon headquarters has been unearthed here according to a spokesman for No More Gentrification.

Their destination: The Island of Greenland in the North Atlantic Ocean.

Bosses at Amazon, who have denied all charges, say they have no solution to housing, ethnic and social problems exacerbated by the proposed new facility.

“They figured the city and its residents would jump at all that potential money and all those high-paying jobs,” said the NMG source. “They, like most corporate devils, didn’t look at the ramifications and the human factor.”

Lawyers for Amazon say they will add this recent “libel case” to the already burgeoning stacks of lawsuits related to the now thwarted move. They say they have spent buckets of money on the project and now somebody is going to pay the bill. Libel, fraud, restrictive business practices, anarchy, communism and religious intolerance were alleged with local government and private citizens the targets.

“This Greenland misinformation is totally untrue and would be quite funny if we didn’t have all these quality of life radicals running around,” said one attorney with knowledge on the developments.

– Gabby Haze

Fenian Cell Takes Issue with Fighting Irish

(Cork) Much like other sports franchises and academic entities the University of Notre Dame is now under the gun with the Fenians who claim that the school slogan, “Fighting Irish” is derogatory and racist.

Following the lead of many universities and high school that have changed their names from Native American references and ethnic labels the Fenians are demanding that the long established Catholic university soften its approach to athletics.

“The Fighting Irish term makes us all look like brawlers and rowdies,” said Patrick Patrick O’Healy of Queens, New York. “They don’t pay much attention to this indictment flung to the heavens by our detractors and competitors in America. It’s an Irish-American thing.”

Whether or not the University will take the challenge seriously was not clear at press time. It may all have to do with public opinion. While pro sports teams must adhere to the bottom line, most schools simply must deal with alumni and regulations imposed by such groups as the NCAA. That bottom line is often blurred.

“If Notre Dame doesn’t come around we’ll go to South Bend and box ‘em in the gob,” said O’Healy.

Is tuisce deoch na sceat. Fag an bealach! (A story requires a drink. Clear the way!)

Ski Resorts Hope to Develop Bad Neighborhoods

(Crested Butte) Citing burgeoning resentment on the part of the disadvantaged across the country, many Colorado ski towns are encouraging the establishment of bad neighborhoods within their town limits. Skiing is often perceived as the recreation of the rich which is not always good for lift ticket sales.

     A quick fix may be in the works.

     Many resorts have already begun building what may well be the slums of the future and others are busy attracting a host of social ills often associated with skid rows and ghettos. Topping the list are the prospective residents of these environs and the increase in crime needed to achieve these lofty goals.

     “At present we enjoy blue skies and low pressure on social institutions,” said Sarah Parvenu, of Colorado Skree Country. “That will change as we attempt to embrace validity within fantasy mountain communities. In a few years we hope to catch up with the urban centers and offer diversity in our newly emerging mean streets.”

     Initial plans are to house 90-day wonders and seasonal ski workers, in these neighborhoods at affordable housing prices. When the experiment gets off the ground proponents of the plan expect the demand for tenement living to increase.

     “It’s the ying and yang thing,” continued Parvenu. “We can’t go on sporting affluence while ignoring the realities of population distribution and income disparity. It looks silly to worry about powder days when a portion of the state population is struggling to keep warm and eat.”

     In addressing the subject of crime, the architects of the program say it will take years before gangs and syndicates will be up and running. They insist that thugs and mobsters can be sealed off in the low neighborhoods with a strong police presence. According to studies concluded in such diverse theaters as Sweden and Somalia, crooks are more comfortable terrorizing their next-door neighbors than traveling into rich areas to ply their trades.

Crimes like this one will go unpunished if the ski industry has its way.

     “The bottom line is that we have lost touch with reality and drastic measures are necessary to get back the balance,” explained our source. “Historically towns like Crested Butte, Telluride and Aspen had terrible neighborhoods, so let’s stay in step with precedence. Can we expect to achieve UNESCO status or continue to develop a competitive basketball program without including the poor in our census?”

     How these moves might affect second homeowners was not clear at press time. Many say they will continue to visit the resorts for a few weeks per year and will hire security agents to patrol their properties.

     “Yes, we have property management personnel running all over town but now they will be quick-response, deputized militia armed and capable of returning fire and apprehending suspects.”

     The local police force, which has more than doubled since last week, will attempt to avoid profiling based on vehicle type although, according to officers polled, that could be difficult.

     “If we see a beat up heap cruising near the slopes we might be inclined to watch them closer than a motorist driving a new Chevy Silverado Mercedes SUV,” said one officer That’s not profiling…It’s just common sense.”

     The beefed up police force would then, in addition to patrolling the rough areas, step up DUI arrests to pay for the additional gasoline expense.

     “The expansion of bad neighborhoods in mountain towns should not cost the taxpayer one red cent which is good news in these tense economic times,” stressed Parvenu. At first look we will seek to create nouveau slums near the interstates, in existing industrial zones and in less desirable spots on the fringe of towns. Here in Crested Butte that might mean new settlements up Kebler where most tourists wouldn’t see them, and remote locales near former coalmines. Decisions like these will come later. Right now we have to get these socialistic blueprints past the town councils and the county.”

     Critics of all this say they cannot fathom distressed neighborhoods on the other side of the tracks since the railroad pulled out of town many decades ago.