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Elvis Deniers to speak at CU in March

(Boulder) A travelling contingent of diehard Elvis agnostics will undress students and faculty here in late March despite complaints and threats leveled by opponents.

The thee-hour evening seminar is part of a weeklong program aimed at dispersing untruths about celebrities, liberals and telling the real story of American culture. The principles say they decided to begin with Elvis since he demands a lot of attention even from millennials and people not alive during the reign of Presley.

“We come to renounce the king,” blasted cheap speakers from SUVs parked around the stage to keep out angry critics who have pledged to disrupt the event. “Why is it that the left wingers have clear access to this podium but the right wing is banned from sharing its message? I thought liberals were for the egalitarian approach. Maybe not.”

The visitors plan to disavow the existence of Elvis, despite mounds of evidence that he existed. They insist that the radio payola people created him, contending that his ghost is nothing more than laughable and that people who still worship Elvis need reeducation or swift kick in the pants.

“If he is real then prove it,” pressed one Elvis denier in red, white and blue. “He was never here and he’s damn sure not coming back to gather his fans and spend eternity at Graceland. Many of his fans miss out on the beauties of life on earth waiting to be rescued by their hero any day now. How sad.”

– Pepper Salte

“If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true were really true, there would be little hope of advance.” – Orville Wright

Amazon Planned to ship displaced to Greenland

(Queens) A plot to relocate thousands of people from a designated neighborhood earmarked for a controversial Amazon headquarters has been unearthed here according to a spokesman for No More Gentrification.

Their destination: The Island of Greenland in the North Atlantic Ocean.

Bosses at Amazon, who have denied all charges, say they have no solution to housing, ethnic and social problems exacerbated by the proposed new facility.

“They figured the city and its residents would jump at all that potential money and all those high-paying jobs,” said the NMG source. “They, like most corporate devils, didn’t look at the ramifications and the human factor.”

Lawyers for Amazon say they will add this recent “libel case” to the already burgeoning stacks of lawsuits related to the now thwarted move. They say they have spent buckets of money on the project and now somebody is going to pay the bill. Libel, fraud, restrictive business practices, anarchy, communism and religious intolerance were alleged with local government and private citizens the targets.

“This Greenland misinformation is totally untrue and would be quite funny if we didn’t have all these quality of life radicals running around,” said one attorney with knowledge on the developments.

– Gabby Haze

Fenian Cell Takes Issue with Fighting Irish

(Cork) Much like other sports franchises and academic entities the University of Notre Dame is now under the gun with the Fenians who claim that the school slogan, “Fighting Irish” is derogatory and racist.

Following the lead of many universities and high school that have changed their names from Native American references and ethnic labels the Fenians are demanding that the long established Catholic university soften its approach to athletics.

“The Fighting Irish term makes us all look like brawlers and rowdies,” said Patrick Patrick O’Healy of Queens, New York. “They don’t pay much attention to this indictment flung to the heavens by our detractors and competitors in America. It’s an Irish-American thing.”

Whether or not the University will take the challenge seriously was not clear at press time. It may all have to do with public opinion. While pro sports teams must adhere to the bottom line, most schools simply must deal with alumni and regulations imposed by such groups as the NCAA. That bottom line is often blurred.

“If Notre Dame doesn’t come around we’ll go to South Bend and box ‘em in the gob,” said O’Healy.

Is tuisce deoch na sceat. Fag an bealach! (A story requires a drink. Clear the way!)

Ski Resorts Hope to Develop Bad Neighborhoods

(Crested Butte) Citing burgeoning resentment on the part of the disadvantaged across the country, many Colorado ski towns are encouraging the establishment of bad neighborhoods within their town limits. Skiing is often perceived as the recreation of the rich which is not always good for lift ticket sales.

     A quick fix may be in the works.

     Many resorts have already begun building what may well be the slums of the future and others are busy attracting a host of social ills often associated with skid rows and ghettos. Topping the list are the prospective residents of these environs and the increase in crime needed to achieve these lofty goals.

     “At present we enjoy blue skies and low pressure on social institutions,” said Sarah Parvenu, of Colorado Skree Country. “That will change as we attempt to embrace validity within fantasy mountain communities. In a few years we hope to catch up with the urban centers and offer diversity in our newly emerging mean streets.”

     Initial plans are to house 90-day wonders and seasonal ski workers, in these neighborhoods at affordable housing prices. When the experiment gets off the ground proponents of the plan expect the demand for tenement living to increase.

     “It’s the ying and yang thing,” continued Parvenu. “We can’t go on sporting affluence while ignoring the realities of population distribution and income disparity. It looks silly to worry about powder days when a portion of the state population is struggling to keep warm and eat.”

     In addressing the subject of crime, the architects of the program say it will take years before gangs and syndicates will be up and running. They insist that thugs and mobsters can be sealed off in the low neighborhoods with a strong police presence. According to studies concluded in such diverse theaters as Sweden and Somalia, crooks are more comfortable terrorizing their next-door neighbors than traveling into rich areas to ply their trades.

Crimes like this one will go unpunished if the ski industry has its way.

     “The bottom line is that we have lost touch with reality and drastic measures are necessary to get back the balance,” explained our source. “Historically towns like Crested Butte, Telluride and Aspen had terrible neighborhoods, so let’s stay in step with precedence. Can we expect to achieve UNESCO status or continue to develop a competitive basketball program without including the poor in our census?”

     How these moves might affect second homeowners was not clear at press time. Many say they will continue to visit the resorts for a few weeks per year and will hire security agents to patrol their properties.

     “Yes, we have property management personnel running all over town but now they will be quick-response, deputized militia armed and capable of returning fire and apprehending suspects.”

     The local police force, which has more than doubled since last week, will attempt to avoid profiling based on vehicle type although, according to officers polled, that could be difficult.

     “If we see a beat up heap cruising near the slopes we might be inclined to watch them closer than a motorist driving a new Chevy Silverado Mercedes SUV,” said one officer That’s not profiling…It’s just common sense.”

     The beefed up police force would then, in addition to patrolling the rough areas, step up DUI arrests to pay for the additional gasoline expense.

     “The expansion of bad neighborhoods in mountain towns should not cost the taxpayer one red cent which is good news in these tense economic times,” stressed Parvenu. At first look we will seek to create nouveau slums near the interstates, in existing industrial zones and in less desirable spots on the fringe of towns. Here in Crested Butte that might mean new settlements up Kebler where most tourists wouldn’t see them, and remote locales near former coalmines. Decisions like these will come later. Right now we have to get these socialistic blueprints past the town councils and the county.”

     Critics of all this say they cannot fathom distressed neighborhoods on the other side of the tracks since the railroad pulled out of town many decades ago.

Incentive Program Offers Mortuary Miles

(Mañana) A local funeral pioneer has embraced the cutting edge with an innovative, albeit controversial, post-mortem incentive program. Soon customers of Up, Up and Away Internment International will have the opportunity to earn miles and travel bonuses based on money spent and flight routes chosen.

Based on the highly popular miles programs offered by the airlines and hotels, this groundbreaking burial concept offers credits for miles travelled as well as purchases made along the way.

“No matter what they tell you from behind the collection plate nobody knows what to expect after we die,” chided J. Elmzuni Pritchard CEO of UUAII. “I don’t know about you but I’d rather go over the top with a little backup. Even if the miles don’t get you saved, they look good on a resume.”

“Some clients have enough miles to go to heaven or hell,” continued Elmzuni. “Their choice. Reward miles are a real plus if you’re born again and/or live parallel lives. Our Companion Fare is perfect for multiple personalities.”

Souls that just linger, hover or just drop in for a cup of tea on occasion, can qualify for mile credits but they must prove that they were on the flight in the first place.”

“We want to accommodate everyone living or deceased and some what ain’t,” quacked Pritchard. “Of corpse deadhead trips are cheaper. “We don’t like to call them that. We prefer the term Lite, as in Lite VIP.”

Up, Up and Away can usually get the client out the door, casket included, for about half what one would pay sans miles in a conventional mortuary. While it may seem ridiculous to book all of this type of travel in advance we suggest booking in advance. You can secure a seat later.

“They had a woman over in Placerville what died three times back in October and it cost her next to nothing,” chipped Pritchard.

And that good news for the people back home. No more worry about freezer burn, clipped wings or soil tests.

Persons wishing to sign up for the Up, Up and Away Miles Reward Program should download the official Up, Up and Away App, enjoy a Starbucks, buy a new cell phone, join a team and ask their doctor. Travelers who have yet to lose the attachment to the natural state may be responsible for IVA charges.

– Paula Parvenu 

Rox Relief Staff Prognosis Blamed for Flu-Like Symptoms

(Denver) Many local baseball aficionados are complaining of stomach cramps, headaches and a feeling of hopelessness when faced with frighteningly familiar warning signs emanating from the Colorado Rockies’ bullpen.

And spring training has only just arrived.

A myriad of reports do not shine favorably for fans from Wray to Ouray who had hoped for a run at the pennant in 2019. The reality that the best Rockies’ relief pitcher, Adam Ottavino is now in New York has only compounded the infirmities.

Despite hurling millions at the relief problem in 2018, the future looks bleak. The new Blake Street bombers (pitching staff) could not salvage their own asses in a windstorm much less protect a late-inning lead. Simply put: with the exception of Scott Oberg, they stink.

Physicians all over the Rocky Mountains have identified what they called “flu-like symptoms” but, other than a waltz through the pharmacy and the liquid and rest remedy, they offered little in the way of solutions.

One psychiatric nurse suggested moving the Dodgers and D-Backs to the American League in exchange for the two of that league’s basement dwellers. Another medical source favored cutting back to six innings.

“Several of my patients have already began to exhibit feelings of hopelessness and unhealthy escape mechanisms usually not visible until September,” offered a Fort Collins doctor who has prescribed fresh air and a good belt of whiskey in the late innings.

“I clearly remember that last season whenever I saw our million-dollar-baby relief flops start to warm up my stomach got all queasy and indigestion followed,” said Rocky Flats, a longtime season ticket holder from Mack. “Then when they got on the mound my bowels loosened and I got the chills. On extreme occasions I felt nauseous and had to g out into the yard until it passed.”

In a related story psychologists and psychiatrists in the region report a sharp increase in clients suffering from anxiety and seasonal depression. When data compiled from these burgeoning health concerns was interfaced with traditional winter bugaboos it turns out that cold, wind, dirty snow, mid, ice and cloudy days are not the only problem.

It ain’t the pox but it could be the Rox.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”      – Oscar Wilde