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Afghani Engineers to Tour Ridgway

(Ridgway) A group of visiting Afghani civil engineers will be in Ridgway this week to observe recent road construction in the former railroad town. The contingent of visitors will monitor traffic patterns and interview residents affected by the lengthy construction project aimed at relieving congestion at high volume periods.

Its people from out nation’s longest war visiting our nation’s longest construction project. Although the note and picture taking might seem obsessive to some, town planners say it demonstrates the desire on the part of the privileged to document successes and apply them to chaotic Afghanistan.

“We especially want to examine lighting fixtures and new drainage systems along with cosmetic improvements along the way,: said Mohammed Zulu-Quake, chair of the Engineering School at Kabul University.

Paving streets in Afghanistan in no way constitutes nation building, say critics of the new/old foreign policy currently unfolding in South Asia., who contend that peace must emerge from a deeper psyche. Naysayers insist that the people prefer to wallow in superstition and tribalism which apparently works for them.

“Although asphalt and center lines can provide a shallow security, it does nothing to relieve and address the frustrations of a generation of Afghanis,” said the academic. “We are focused on improving infrastructure, not social structure. That will come when our house is in order, when the horse is again before the cart. Squalid attempts to mask our failures in flowery talk of liberty and democracy don’t provide so much as a slice of bread.”

“The nagging question remains: Is nation building something one can achieve on a stepladder or does the adjustment require an hoist, scaffolding and maybe even an explosive or two?” he asked.

– Abdul “Mickey” Sands 

     

Duffer Attempts Bank Robbery With 7-Iron

(Montrose) When a man tried to rob Who’s On First National Bank with a seven-iron yesterday, he wasn’t expecting a golf lesson.

     The unidentified culprit, now in police custody, admitted that he was severely handicapped by tedious water hazards and hungry fairway bunkers that dotted the course ahead.

     “That’s too much club, mister. What are you doing brandishing a seven-iron when you are only 50 yards from the flag?” guffawed a veteran teller at the fiscal institution. “Open the club face. Bend your knees. Only a duffer would show up with with such a choppy backswing.”

     Stunned at the quick and unsolicited critique, the would-be robber stopped in his tracks, staring down at a bulging cash drawer just feet away.

     “Yeah, you should have used a sand wedge. Where did you learn to play golf?” echoed a loan officer on her way to lunch. “You’ve got a chip shot through the lobby and then a short putt to the safe. What were you thinking?”

     The crook then produced a leather suitcase and gestured for it to be filled with cash.

     “Wait just a moment, sir,” blasted a second teller. “If you choke up instead of choking up you would have the loft you need. A good golfer always takes a moment or two to read the green before putting.”

     Just then the bank alarm sounded.

     “The police are here,” laughed the loan officer. “They do not want to play through. Maybe you should take a mulligan on this bogey hole. Try it again and finish your swing!”

     By the time the police had entered the building the robber had dropped his club and was close to tears. He looked around at his critics and agreed his long shots were short and his short game was long.

     “Maybe there’s a driving range where you’re going,” snickered another bank employee, “but I doubt it.”

     “That’s about par for the unenlightened criminal mind,” said the arresting officer who apprehended the alleged perpetrator when he hacked at the ATM machine with a hybrid fairway wood.

     “These kind of golfers never learn,” the cop pontificated. “His chances for that elusive birdie will have to wait. Consistent golf swings do not fare well even in minimum security.”

– Wendell Shanker

Solar Eclipse!

Despite news and rumors Wyoming gas stations were out of gas, hotels, campgrounds and RV parks were booked solid and the population of Wyoming doubled in the days prior to the solar eclipse we were determined to witness the event. We packed up the car, drove more than 600 miles and met up with family in Lander, Wyoming the day prior to the eclipse. Our little caravan continued to Pavilion which was smack dab in the middle of the eclipse?s path. After conferring with the good old boys in the Pavilion?s only bar, we drove to a local campground to spend the night. The next day we woke up to the spectacular orange glow of a sunrise that foreshadowed a morning long display of the sun?s majesty. Around 11:15am we watched through special glasses as the moon slowly moved across the sun. With each passing minute the temperature dropped and the sun?s light became dimmer. At 11:38am the light was completely dimmed. We were able to look at the sun with naked eyes and for two minutes were completely awestruck by the sun?s corona – light rays emanating outward; stars and planets visible. The sight was breathtaking. Soon enough, a sliver of intense light signaled the end of totality. While the 7 hour drive home stretched to 12 hours, we were happy for an experience that will not be forgotten. Photo compliments of Patrice Schell

 

Bank employees forced to work inside ATMs

(Montrose – Greenbacks Calling – August, 2017)

Colorado bank examiners expressed shock and dismay that a new kind of slave labor may be the rule and not exception to branch banking in Colorado.

A majority of fiscal watchdogs say tellers, account specialists, even loan officers are subjected to forced overtime “in the barrel” as the ATM duty is called by industry cynics.

Besides cramped working space, unwanted overtime, tedious boredom and the demands of repetitive mathematics the prisoners of the ATM are subjected to temperatures often reaching 140 degrees inside the machines.

“We are dealing with employees of pirate banks who may be trapped inside ATM machines for up to 10 hours, said a state banking official outside a local Wells Fargo facility. “And this is often on top of their regular shift.”

At first look it appears that most ATM machines are not set up for hands-on operation and the banks only resort to draconian measures upon high demand. However, the subject of fresh air, food, water and other life sustaining elements has not been undressed as of this morning.

Why the human participation has become paramount was not clear although full disclosures are said to be on the smoky horizon. Most consumers/account holders were under the impression that the ATM machines were set up to act independently of many financial institutions, especially when it comes to extended hours.

“The 24-hour ATM machines are a convenience that somehow, when the dust settles, all bank customers pay,” said one particularly agitated official. But this abuse of employees is another whole ball of wax. It’s an Orwellian corporate cost-saver that has gone berserk.”

On scene bank controllers were quick to add that this ATM scandal measures up as “minimum impact” compared with bank scams to set up unauthorized accounts, loans and issue high interest credit cards to unsuspecting patrons.

The Colorado Banking Commission has issued a gag order on the entire investigation until and level of intent can be determined and executive guilt established.

“The regular corporate approach of creating scapegoats will not fly here,” they said. “Someone made the initial decision and someone will pay.”

Meanwhile affected bank employees will undergo extensive counseling and included as plaintiffs in lawsuits emerging from the alleged exploitation of workers and what might be the most astounding and chronic miscarriage since earned interest rates dropped to a paltry 1%.

Sources within the banking industry, contacted regarding these allegations did not return our calls. It was surmised that the bosses were sailing, playing golf or counting their money, and could not be disturbed.

Consumers are urged to be quick, be kind…and always remember: ATM machines have eyes or at least ears!

– Kashmir Horseshoe

 

Vultures Carry Off, Eat Rafters

(Montrose) Flocks of thought to be extinct Tsunyi Turkey Vultures continue to dine on unsuspecting rafters often caught with their pants down on the Uncompahgre River south of here. The birds, often posing a ditch riders, conceal themselves in nearby willow trees then pounce on the boat people, eating the adults on site and carrying off the smaller ones for a perverted dessert.

     “We don’t know what has gotten into the vultures,” said one local rafter. “They used to wait until people actually croaked before they ate them. This is not good.”

     The rafter went on to say that somebody should do something about this.

     These particular vultures generally migrate to Canada by this time of the year but a drastic change in feeding habits may have dictated a longer stay in Colorado.

     “It’s like a smorgasbord of debauchery said a fly fisherman who witnessed another attack Saturday. “The vultures seize their victims and then hold them under water until the fight is out of them. I didn’t know birds could hold their breath that long.

     The local Homo Sapiens for Population Control has defended the vultures saying that they are technically Canadian citizens who are just following their instincts.

     “If the birds were busy eating road kill the giant catfish fill the power void with much the same result,” said one HSPC spokesperson.

-Feather Neste

Tweetie Trumpings

“I will not write about Donald Trump. I will not write about Donald Trump….I will not write about Donald Trump.”  – scribbled on the blackboard in the editorial offices of the Washington Post.

Headlines in 5 of the nation’s top newspapers today begin with the word Trump. It’s all Trump and the Russians, Trump and the GOP, Trump and North Korea, Trump and Trump. They say they detest him but they churn out yards of copy about his every move. Maybe if they would simply ignore him he would explode, melt, or go away.

Here are some top stories as they appear in major dailies from LA to Boston.

Trump Wheels and Deals for Berlin Wall

     President Donald Trump today purchased the notorious Berlin Wall for transport to the American Southwest for installation. Included in the projected purchase are security gates, thousands of feet of barbwire, warning signs, taped broadcasts in German and Russian and three guard towers, instrumental in the deaths of 80 persons attempting an escape from totalitarianism.

The wall, acquired for an undisclosed sum, is expected to arrive sometime in January supporting a slew of campaign promises. Trump told a group of supporters that his wall would create over 40,000 jobs and would be stamped Made in USA upon arrival.

“It will be the best wall ever,” said the president.

It was not clear if Trump knew that the wall had come down in 1989. Unlike most other Trump construction projects, there are no liens against the structure by German tradesmen. Even ideologically bankrupt East German Communists pay their bills.

“We didn’t expect a buyer to emerge,” said one German embassy official. “The wall is in pieces like a jigsaw puzzle, waiting to be hauled off or sold for scrap. This is a very positive development akin to hauling off an old car or a worn out mattress. The money will help Germany’s solar power industry,” he smiled.

“We feel this symbol of repression has found it’s rightful home in the jingo American desert.”

 Meanwhile Trump supporters say the liberals are keeping him from getting anything passed. They say the establishment is out to get him when it is becoming clear he is out to get himself.

“Even a blind, hoarding Congressional invertebrate can see that,” said one concrete finisher.

Trump Pulls Hamstring in Tweet storm

Responding to a Supreme Quart decision that includes a ban on visits to Mar-a-Lago Golf Club, President Trump let loose with a tirade of often angry tweets last night.

Piggybacking the controversial ban on persons from many Arab countries, the Justices voted unanimously to restrict Trump’s time of the golf course.

“I’ll fire them all,” tweeted the president. “My base will not stand for this elitist attack by over-educated dark robes. My executive travel ban targets potential terrorists not the landed gentry, not the opulent.”

According to recent research former TV game show hosts, disgraced politicians and child molesters have been persona non grata in Florida ever since Groucho Marx was caught with a box of Havanas in a Miami hotel in 1962.

Taxpayers are pegged for over one million dollars per day for security whenever the Trump entourage heads south. A spokesperson for the president insisted that the figures are skewed and that the excursions were paid for by lobbyists and not from petty cash from West Wing bingo.

Etch-A-Sketch Score Card Irritates Golfers

The clandestine employment of a monogrammed, disappearing scorecard has drawn the ire of fellow golfers playing with the Chief Executive in both the Sunshine and Garden States. The electronic device reportedly allows for the almost magic substitution of numbers after the scores have been entered.

If a golfer nets a double bogey it is automatically recorded as a par while most putts are documented as sunk. The entire 18 holes are remembered as a liar’s mulligan stew. Just one wipe and it all goes back to square one.

This recent brouhaha might provide some relief to the besieged administration in that it may overshadow embarrassing accusations that Trump failed to pay the band at his Inauguration back in January.

“Why can’t he just cheat with a pencil like everyone else?” asked one Republican senator. “He is under the microscope. With the red tie and orange hair it’s not like he’s blending into the background.”

All this and much more to come from a man who thinks Sharia Law is the name of a prostitute he met during a televangelist conference in Texarkana in 2010.

I will not write about Donald Trump…I will not…

For more on this sad subject please turn to

Leaks Net Brown Spots on West Lawn

-Fred Zeppelin