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Administrative SNUFU Leaves Thousands Excommunicated

(Rome) A simple computer glitch has left tens of thousands of Roman Catholics in a bureaucratic purgatory this morning with little hope of sorting things out before the Easter holiday. As of this morning they remain excommunicated, or severed from their church.

Apparently someone high up in the Vatican gave the go ahead to delete over 70,000 of the faithful from what was wrongly designated as a “fallen away” list. The move has caused great confusion and anger leaving many with questions about eternal salvation and access to sacred rituals.

“We can’t explain what happened but we’ll sort it out before Holy Week gets into full swing,” said a Vatican treasury official. “Those affected should not worry. Despite the temporary status as the damned they will be reinstated quickly and painlessly.

Church officials publicly played down the possibility of enacting another Spanish Inquisition while privately expressing concern as to the impact on collections and tithing as many have lost trust in the ancient religious hierarchy.

“If we survived the sex scandals of late we’ll be alright,” said the Archbishop of Styx. “One has to realize how frightened people are of the Great Beyond. We simply need to remind them of the fires that await them if they dare to detour from our teachings. They will forgive us our sins as we forgive theirs,” he smiled.

– Saul Tarsus

Feds conclude tests on marijuana smoking

(Doolittle Park) The U.S. federal gov’ment, rumored to be located on the east coast of North America, has been struggling to find data linking marijuana to an assortment of health risks. Saying the study seeks to protect the American public from demon weed the analysis appears aimed at propping up the black market and the boys at Big Pharm. Here are some of the latest warnings. Please be careful.

1. Smoking marijuana causes distrust of the government and most sacred institutions.

2. The use of cannabis has been linked to silliness and a feeling that one is surrounded by a world gone mad.

3. Marijuana causes cavities, dandruff, variations in the color scale, lilt and excessive body odor after 2 weeks.

4. Marijuana causes one to eat cookies and stay indoors when temperatures reach twenty below zero.

5. Using pot while traversing unprotected cliffs (or tightropes) while blindfolded is dangerous to one’s health.

6. Smoking marijuana could result in a false sense of well-being and in extreme cases may result in the smoker watching Star Trek and Beverly Hillbillies reruns.

7. Smoking pot may lead to such dangerous behavior as chronic gardening, hiking, lovemaking and/or gourmet cooking.

8. The use of cannabis may cause the embrace of pagan holidays instead of those imposed by the mainstream religious hierarchy.

9. When coupled with dangerous music, marijuana often has been found to cause 88% of test cases to dance.

10 Users often need 6 – 8 hours sleep to function properly in our modern world. Chronically addicted puffers often talk to cat and dogs.

For more turn to Reefer Madness Sequel to Grace Theaters in August.

Vegan Cows Threatened by Deli Opening

(Wimpton) Organic ranchers up and down the valley remain apprehensive with the opening of Fatso’s Deli just weeks away. The new eatery, which features “a meaty fare”, threatens the cosmic flow in the otherwise vegetarian stronghold.

At best most other residents are oblivious to the lifestyle conflict, preferring to dwell on their own putrid lives and wishing they were on television. County commissars, who approved the restaurant so as to collect “the burgeoning tax revenues of legend and lore”, fear or their pancake jobs while a potential range war threatens to engulf the landlocked region.

“We are fearful of the violence that may ensue,” said Earl MacAdoo who, with his half-sister Moo (pronounced Maw) has operated For Goodness Sake Farms near Mescaline Flats since the cows came home.

Meanwhile lawyers for Fatso’s say the cows have been mollycoddled for too long.

“It’s time they got off the gravy train and found real work,” said Smiles Healy of Judge and Jury Associates, the firm representing the deli.

“I never thought I’d see the day the city people would succeed at placing meatballs on the registry of endangered species,” spat MacAdoo.  “And what’s all this chatter about the cows coming home? Happy cows don’t wander off in the first place. The few that do end up in the gutter or working for the gov’ment.”

Moo echoed these anxieties warning that the deli will be a really bad influence her cows.

“How you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen German potato salad?” she crooned. “I often wonder how the pastrami would fare after a well-choreographed stampede.

– Chicken Fried Jake

“You make me feel so Jung”  – Sigmund Freud

Wigs and Ale in Dublin City

This fine pub near St. Steven’s Green in Dublin (Republic of Ireland) offers wigs and blended spirits. It is common knowledge that they rarely get so much as a hair in your pint. (O’Toole World Photo Service Severely Limited)

AMERICAN ASTERISKS OPENS IN MONTROSE

(Kinikin Heights) The announcement that American Asterisks will set up shop near Montrose has brought joy to the hearts of many residents, after a long, harsh winter.

The massive plant, not a result of any bumbling committees or clueless councils of economic development, brings 40 new jobs at good wages say spokespersons for the information technology firm.

“Now the public can get asterisked without traveling all the way to Durango,” said a source at American Asterisks. “Convenience and low prices are our mantra.”

Historically, the asterisk has stood for omitted matter or an annotation of some regard. Persons wishing to assume that distinction can simply apply for an asterisk next to their name then pick it up in 10 – 20 working days. The symbol can then be linked to phone numbers, mindless passwords and even one’s Sociable Security card for no apparent reason.

“Our company’s well-won slogan: “Separating the insignificant from the insignificant” is alive and well in Western Colorado,” said the spokesperson. Persons looking for our facility should turn right on Question Mark Place, and then a hard left at Hyphen Road and another on Apostrophe Terrace. We are located at 86 Semi Colon Boulevard (5566229988663322 Road).

First visitors through the door will receive a Corey Gardener bobble head and all the asterisks they can carry.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

SKIBEREEN

O, Father dear, I ofttimes heard you talk of Erin’s Isle
Her valleys green, her lofty scene, her mountains rude and wild
You said it was a pleasant place wherein a prince might dwell
Why have you then forsaken her, the reason to me tell?

My son, I loved our native land with energy and pride
Until a blight fell on the land and sheep and cattle died
The rents and taxes were to pay, I could not them redeem
And that’s the cruel reason why I left Old Skibbereen

It’s well I do remember on a bleak November’s day
The landlord and his agent came to drive us all away
He set my house on fire with his demon yellow spleen
And that’s another reason why I left Old Skibbereen

Your mother, too, God rest her soul, lay on the snowy ground
She fainted in her anguish of the desolation round
She never rose, but went her way from life to death’s long dream
And found a quiet grave, my boy, in lovely Skibbereen

It’s well I do remember the year of forty-eight
When we arose with Erin’s boys to fight against our fate
I was hunted through the mountains as a traitor to the Queen
And that’s another reason that I left Old Skibbereen

Oh father dear, the day will come when vengeance loud will call
And we’ll arise with Erin’s boys and rally one and all
I’ll be tbe man to lead the van, beneath our flag of green
And loud and high we’ll raise the cry, “Revenge for Skibbereen!”

– Paddy Moloney

MUSIC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj4ifPsTe2I