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Colorado Golf Courses Look to Hemp as Savior

(Mañana) Many local golf courses could be watering hemp instead of grass by 2020. Over the past two seasons the herb has emerged as a favorite of the thirsty recreation industry in the Rockies and other dry, high altitude fairways.

Although the beautiful aspen and pine would not be disturbed and the out-of-bounds would still be dominated by wicked sagebrush and cedar, the fairways, tee boxes and even the greens would be nurtured as and comprised of hemp.

Work-a-day golfers appear to have been caught with their drivers down due to changes that would be taking place and dollars that would be saved. Elite memberships have applauded the fiscal benefits of industrial hemp mowed and tapered to a fine trim. They say there have been no complaints.

“It gives a new meaning to the word “fairway”, said Harry Player, professional at Mother of Pearl Ski and Golf in Wimpton.

“It flourishes with less water than grass creating a powerfully dense landscape and attractive out of bounds area,” he said. “It’s naturally resistant to most pests. It winds its way tightly and out-competes most weeds. It in harmony with most climates and soil types and the scent is restful and serene. It’s so good the gov’ment had to make it illegal so the oil and lumber interests could survive,” he laughed.

Instructors in Washington and Oregon, who have observed the affects of hemp on handicaps, say their students are less demanding and regular players are more relaxed resulting fewer strokes and better scores. Despite the common distractions associated with the herb the overall affect is quite functional in 85% of the cases tested. The plant has a calming affect even without the THC component.

Meanwhile in golf course snack bars and lunch counters sales are brisk with appetites enticed by the tantalizing aromas and pungent floral display. Maintenance and office staff appear comfortable surrounded by the almost idyllic growth, are more relaxed and therefore more productive. Hemp parking lots, which have been around for decades, create shade and allow for a natural blueprint and further green space to be enjoyed by the community.

Several Confront Range courses are already using hemp oil to power golf carts saving money and providing a smoother ride over newly mowed hemp landing zones and grassy greens. Most say they will phase out grass altogether by 2025. Soon, industry spokesmen predict, a majority of sport facilities will turn toward the herb to provide everything from sunscreen to flood lights to ball washers, and at half the cost.

“We don’t need Chinese promotional products anymore either,” crowed an enthusiastic greenskeeper. “We’ll be crafting our own caps, gloves,  and polos with hemp instead of cotton, which requires the application of dangerous pesticides and more water to thrive. Next year we hope to introduce golf bags made of domestically raised hemp.”

– Rex Monteleone

(Warning: The U.S. Assembly of Chips and Putts reminder: Inbounds smoking of cannabis on most green zone courses, while seemingly in perfect rhythm with your swing and your attitude is strictly forbidden by federal law. Violators will be arrested and put into private prisons where they will rake sand traps and build fence until their quart date emerges.)

Cattlemen’s Days – Hot Summer and Good Times

Rodeo fans enjoy a Colorado Saturday night in Gunnison.

Rox Relief pitchers to be paid by the hour

With the exception of both Wade Davis and Adam Ottavino, Colorado Rockies relief pitchers will now be paid by the hour. Rescinding former salaries (such as the $27 million paid to Jake McGee for three years) the new scale takes into account past performances and introduces healthy incentive packages to mound keepers who can keep the lid on in the later innings.

Hopeless hurlers such as Brian Shaw (27 million over 3 years) Mike Dunn ($19 million over three years) Chris Rusin ($1.3 million for one year) and Scott Oberg (a measly 550,000 to blow games – with a 4-0 record to boot!) are dead weight on the team’s hot air ballon. Imagine the price of beer if the team could regulate or outright shed these expenses paid out to people who have not performed well.

“We’d be just as well to dig a hole in left field and throw the money into it,” said one former coach. “The big shots in the front office continually foul up but will not admit their mistakes (Take Ian Desmond for example).

And if the wasted offensive effort was not enough McGee and Dunn have informed the Rockies that they would be joining the circus when it comes through town in August.

“The circus has picked up several options on Shaw and Rusin but we are not clear as to the details at the moment,” quacked a Rockies’ bigwig who is slated to be fed to the lions as part of Denver Zoo/Cougar-Bubblehead Night in September.

Circus officials did not return our calls but issued a joint statement on Friday confirming a slew of the rumors and suggested, “our lions are very hungry too.”

– Neville Hoser


Feds Raid Dating Service

(Colona) In what was initially perceived to be yet another muscle flexing on the part of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), federal agents ransacked the offices of Wildcat Matchmaking last night seizing laptops, bank records and customer portfolios.

The fledgling business, that ICE insists is front for smuggling as well as massive money laundering, was shuttered immediately and several top executives were taken into custody and will be the subject of intense scrutiny while the meat of the investigation sizzles on the grill. Wildcat opened in April and claimed a rabid customer base of over 20,000.

“We don’t fully comprehend these colossal implications or the magnitude of the confiscations,” said a neighbor. “They seemed like nice enough people although they often blocked my driveway with their pink 1967 Mustang convertible. The billboards and neon were a little much too.”

An overnight ICE raid in Colona has left both citizens and the authorities in shock

No one in Colona admitted to using the service.

“The social life here is off the charts,” said one lifelong resident. “What do we need a matchmaking service for? We’re all already matched, some more than others. They could have been making moonshine, keeping contraband livestock and/or printing counterfeit currency. Nobody knows. Nobody cares.”

The authorities were tight-lipped implying only that jealously controlled Log Hill spice routes and a surge in lucrative weapons sales in the West End could easily start World War III.

“We’re here to put a stop to that,” said an ICE spokesperson.

-Alfalfa Romero

Elvis Denier on Ballot in Tennessee

(Memphis) A candidate for state representative here says Elvis is a hoax. Insisting that the legendary singer was a product of the music payola of the 50s, Rudolph Peckerman says the real flesh and blood Elvis was a concoction and that the persona never existed much less performed.

“That hips and hair act was done with mirrors to benefit the kings and queens of the music industry,” said Peckerman. “The real rhythm and blues was generated by Black Americans and this Elvis phenomenon was carefully created to counter perceive threats and jealousies within the white listening audience. It was the Charlie Pride thing only in reverse.”

Whether Peckerman has a chance of winning any votes so near Graceland remains to be seen while insiders question his dismissive, hostile tone taken toward the American icon. Supporters are hoping that their candidate does well with young voters who do not remember Presley. Meanwhile Elvis defenders are standing up at regiment strength. Many want Peckerman deported to Kentucky which is not covered by any of his insurance policies and could bankrupt the disruptive upstart.

“We have footage. We have DNA. We have a birth certificate. We have dental records. We have off-spring,” shot Amanda Highnote, a Presley Museum curator who finds these accusations ridiculous and a bit painful.

“Why can’t these politicians leave well enough alone?” she seethed. “If people want an Elvis they should be able to have one. Faith has nothing to do with this.”

Other Elvis enthusiasts suggested that Peckerman would soon receive a visit from a certain ghost which would set the record straight and knock Peckerman off his high horse before election day. Recent examinations confirm 2016 findings that 99.3% of people in Tennessee and Mississippi believe that Elvis was a real person.

“You can’t get heart and soul like that from digital beeps and sound bytes,” said a DJ from Oxford. “This reeks of thick-headed blasphemy at a time where truth is a second consideration and partisanship rules. We need people who will stand up for what is good about this country. The next thing you know some scalawag will be telling us Johnny Cash was Canadian.”

– Tommy Middlefinger


by Melvin Toole, whose  ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

                                                – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

                                                                                                 – Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the approval of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

     The tradition of Fourth of July barbecues has been with us for almost 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a cherished document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eyes of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the bill.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and in growing cases blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that truth would have had far less impact as the conflict lingered.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting had already erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away. After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their lobsterback legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have warned him about getting too excited about planning the war but he resuses to listen to them. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already negotiated for several regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the city’s largest livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures much like the British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war against the most powerful nation on earth. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened a host of new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now wait a minute, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to the matter of “all men being created equal? Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment. In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

– Kevin Haley