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Who’s Afraid of The Ides of March?

Even though technically the Ides of March refers to March 15, we consider it important to notify readers of its upcoming arrival. While the only person in recorded history directly affected by The Ides* was Julius Caesar, there is no reason to take chances what with spring just around the corner.

The initial problem with The Ides is grammatical in that the term is singular and can be used only with a singular verb. The Ides is is correct while The Ides are is rudimentary hillbilly.

When attempting to examine The Ides, most reference is to the assassinated Roman Emperor brought back to life by William Shakespeare in his tragic 1600 play, Julius Caesar.  Here he coined the term The Ides of March in order to frighten the English peasantry, who populated most of his weekend audience.

Along with all this ascribing to Caesar we found little mention of much else: a Thornton Wilder novel and the website of Ides Inc., a plastic materials information managements company. Despite the fact that Czar Nicholas abdicated on March 15, 1917 Julius Caesar has corned the market on The Ides which have become synonymous with the offing of this particular dictator 2050 years ago.**

Robert Krulwich, of National Public Radio suggests that the hit men themselves celebrated the successful coup by singing Roman beer drinking songs such as 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall using Roman numerals. The thought of swooning Roman senators belting out mathematically challenging tunes at what he calls an “Apres Slaying Party” is certainly a possibility. However, did they do it before or after a trip to the vomitorium?

Precautions taken for The Ides should be simple and direct. Experts suggest that if one must leave the house he should not mingle with congregating bodies of politicians in strange haircuts. In addition, he should particularly avoid government buildings with marble steps and columns. Do not respond to invitations from anyone named Brutus, Cassias, Boomer, Portia or Bluto. Calm power trips, which may provoke violence on the part of already, agitated co-workers

Gaius Julius Caesar

And don’t go anywhere wearing only a flimsy toga. It may be starting to look warm outside but it’s still winter and you could freeze your arse.

 Getting back to the scene at the Forum, it is apparent from his arrival from Gaul that Caesar is about to go under the knife. It is likewise clear that Brutus orchestrated the murder with the help of Ligarius and Trebonius (who allegedly preferred piano wire to knives) while Cassias was only supposed to drive the getaway chariot.

The plan itself was childish. Had leaders like Cicero and Publius not been out campaigning or investigating the ethics of their colleagues in the senate they might have long in advance ferreted out the planned attack and called the Praetorian Guard. They might have blamed the whole attempt on Gaelic terrorists and bumped up the military ante. God only knows the Gauls had a motive to waste Caesar after all that reconnoitering up north.

But alas, poor Caesar.


*Hereafter we will refer to the Ides of March as The Ides because we want to. The Ides are the 15th day of March, May, July and October and the 13h day of the other months. The Ides of March is the first day of spring.

**Of note: there is the instrumental, The Ides of March, by Iron Maiden from the album Killer acknowledging the event.

Horizontal Zoning Revives Red Light District

(Crested Butte) This once bawdy brothel row may be making a comeback here and everyone isn’t happy about it.  According a referendum narrowly passed in the last election and a series of piggy-back amendments to the holy charter, discrimination based on profession or occupation is now illegal within town limits.

The controversial horizontal zoning regulations make it clearly legal to operate a house of ill repute, or brothel, just so long as the management adheres to long established town ordinances. The houses will not be allowed on Elk Avenue, must be painted purple as prescribed by BOZO. They must purchase a license and follow strict and hours of operation as set by the local council.

Many residents see this particular development as a return to the old days and add that, despite the conservative side of the population, this kind of monkey business had always been here since the mining days. Seeing the houses as historically significant, they say prostitution should be grandfathered in and made legal just like real estate transactions, ski area development and the creation of subdivisions.

 Detractors say the profession is immoral and that they will not stand for it here.

“We will not be a part of any consummation of this type with common courtesans, their entourage or anything else that sounds French,” said Abner Cole, of Peanut Lake. “We already have enough distraction here with the hippies. Derelicts that would use a service of this type already have bars, dancing and liquor stores. What makes them think that just because brothels are a normal part of almost every society in the world that we should tolerate them here too?”

Horizontal zoning plan calls for the parlor houses to be restricted to Belleview Avenue and at least 200 feet from public lands or access points. No flashing lights or loud music will be tolerated and no liquor may be consumed on the specific property during hours of operation. Already parking overflow problems are being undressed and flower boxes are in place.

“Let’s look at this proposal with both eyes open.” blinked one councilman, Cyrus Klopps, “Horizontal zoning is good for Crested Butte. It allows for a tremendous tax base, it creates jobs and it gives the tourists something to do besides eating, skiing, eating and watching TV in their rooms at night.

“We must stop dragging our heels on this libertine issue,” he continued. “The place is so damn vertical now that it drives a lot of us nuts.”

A brainchild of allegedly enlightened town planners, horizontal zoning restricts certain types of service businesses from the main street and encourages more retail space. This kind of zoning creates diversity and allows for more restaurants and boutiques in the center of town.

– Kashmir Horseshoe



Vodka Shares Stabilize

(Moscow Mule) Amid fears of major setbacks affecting the international spirits exchange, vodka has rebounded nicely on the wet circuit overriding gin and bourbon on this month’s swilling board.

Despite deteriorating political conditions at the core of production, consumers appear to be lined up behind the product setting free a flourish of positive response and enthusiastic imbibing. Vodka Nose, a common symptom of overindulging, has either been downplayed by persuasive sources or blamed on Poland.

“We will not take responsibility for vodka nose while inferior products continue to flood the market,” said a source in Russia. “Like champagne the only true vodka comes from our grain and our potatoes.”

The Spud Market, already heard-pressed due to what officials called the Turnip Effect, has been escalloped over the past decade and it’s a relief to see that there are some strengths that remain despite half-baked beliefs that threaten to boil over and engulf the starchy, tuberous staple commodity.

When contacted to further explain the attack on Polish vodka Russian leaders where too busy hacking, flattering, snooping, doping, spying, denying, courting, jousting and at least 50 more ing actions to respond at this time. According to the Kremlin a full disclosure would be forthcoming as soon as sensitive encounters could be whitewashed and potentially incriminating evidence distorted.

Peasants in all affected countries were encouraged to drink up and not worry knowing that leaders had their best interests at heart.

– Suzie Compost

My favorite people in Jardin, Colombia

Las damas de helado…The ice cream ladies. Always a smile, always scooping delicious ice cream to feed my dessert fantasies. Chocolate, vanilla or rocky road? Have a seat on the plaza and enjoy yours! Number one stop in Antioquia.

Trump-ridden newly accepted in Webster’s

(Washington) A beaming Donald Trump puffed up and thanked supporters, adding that he, more than almost anyone, belonged in the dictionary.

“I am the best person for the honor,” he smiled. “I am the first President to have a dictionary word named after him. Even O’Bama didn’t do that. It’s a great accomplishment.”

Trump-ridden although not particularly gracious, gives Trump much needed attention in the arena of the inteligensia, another word in the dictionary often lost under exuberant red caps.

The term Trump-ridden is used as an adjective in the following sentence: FCC Reclassifies a Trump-ridden FOX News as a “dishonest, raw opiate” despite row by Jeff Sessions.

The White House has only recently criticized the attorney general for disloyalty.

Trump further welcomed the inclusion by announcing the a military parade will be organized in his honor to celebrate the great feat.

Dictionary tribute provides distraction, masks voyage

(Milwaukee) Moments after a swaggering President Trump began his monologue about dictionary inclusion and greatness, a small convoy of yachts began landing near St Petersburg. Over 200 Republicans and their families surrendered their ocean-going vessels and walked ashore.

This was the Ryan-McConnell Flotilla, an armada that had been seen setting sail from Washington in the middle of the night. For most of the pilgrims it was the first time, excluding Cancun and Niagara Falls, they had set foot out of the United States

Greeted by top officials from the Kremlin, the immigrants will reside the Russia so as to avoid prosecution for treason in the United States. Many have applied for diplomatic immunity, refugee status and outright asylum. Putin is expected to greet his comrades at a state dinner in Moscow on Friday.

In the chaos to escape the cold, several smaller craft sank in the choppy seas ceding untold tons of gold to the Baltic Sea. Three unidentified members of the House were feared lost in the attempt to recover the loot. They were immediately replaced from a nearby bait bucket, thoughtfully brought on board by a competitive bass fisherman from the Midwest, who had hoped to “land a caviar or two.”

Although promised luxury accommodations in St Petersburg, the Tory cluster will instead be housed in the village of Krasnoyarsk, 220 kilometers northwest of the Mongolian border “until they assimilate into the Russian culture” according to party officials quite familiar with this sort of thing.

Meanwhile, the Integrity Index, a measure that determines good and evil in public servants jumped 67 points with the departure of the Congressmen. Several Democrats, invited to go along on the sojourn, declined the offer in that they could not swim and had to wash their hair that evening.

– Gabby Haze

A pathetic thing happened on the way to the Senate

NRA spokesman blows balls off

(Washington DC) A National Rifle Association executive was severely injured this morning when a Luger 10mm, semi-automatic pistol, stuffed down the front of his pants inexplicably discharged blowing his testicles over into Maryland. The pistol-toting lobbyist, a leading voice against gun control in any form, was cheated and released from St. Roscoe’s Retired Congressmen’s Hospital in Arlington according to his wife.

He had been on his way to Congress to deliver weekly cash payments to senators and congressmen who “understood the reality of arms and munitions in the 21st Century”. The explosion was far more intense than one might expect due to the estimated 800 hits of Viagra stored next to the weapon in his pants pocket.

“He had seen Sylvester Stallone or gangsters in Goodfellows carry pistols in this manner and figure it was acceptable,” said an aide. “He just forgot safety procedures in his haste to make a good impression on the legislative body. We’re still not sure how he go the gun through the webs of security that blanket the chambers.”

“There’s nothing that says love like a KG-99 or other assault pistol behind the old trouser snake zipper,” offered one late night talk show host in his monologue. It’s the one-two punch that went “Boom!” he said.

– Gloria de Quirke

Need to swap my 9 foot ceiling for an 8 foot ceiling.  It’s getting too hard to swat flies at the 9 foot level. Straight across deal.  No attached walls please.  Call by noon.  Hurry!”  Ask for Mike.