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Motel Rooms Missing After Season

(Ouray) It’s one thing to snag a towel or swipe a roll of toilet paper but taking a whole room is something else altogether. That’s what folks here are saying after five motel rooms have gone missing from two 3rd Avenue lodges.

The missing motel units, three from the Victorian Inn and two from the Box Canyon Lodge, reportedly disappeared sometime in September. After a preliminary investigation by local law enforcement officers, it was not clear how the rooms were removed or even if former guests were responsible.

“We feel silly letting somebody walk off with our rooms,” said a source at the Box Canyon. “We get so busy around here in late summer that we don’t have time to do a daily inventory. We just have to presume that if a room was there last night it is still there tonight. Usually it is.”

Over at the Victorian the staff has been put on full alert as to potential room rip-offs and is still searching for the rooms or at least a clue as to their status.

“We don’t want to accuse anyone of anything at this point,” said a manager. “All we know is that the rooms are gone and somebody appears to have pinched them. It must have happened in the middle of the night. If it were a morning job someone certainly would have noticed odd behavior going on.”

Both lodging entities have consulted with police and are in the process of filing what amount to unusual, if not extraordinary claims with their respective insurance companies. Local authorities promise a full investigation as of this evening, with heightened security followed by tedious checkout procedures the next day.

After an anonymous tip, police questioned an unidentified, unreliable eyewitness then discounted his testimony since he has been in jail in Montrose since July 30. Residents are asked to keep a sharp eye out for any suspicious behavior that might help resolve the mystery.

“There are only two ways in or out of town unless you count all the jeep roads. It’s hard to believe someone could get clean away dragging a motel room or two with them,” said one officer who believes the alleged thieves headed northwest, despite the chronic congestion in Montrose, to avoid steep passes coming out of the canyon. “We think this could be oil shale related. Do you know how much a nice motel room goes for these days in Rifle or Rock Springs? Them mother frackers don’t like to sleep out in the elements.”

In some brighter economic news, the city of Ouray has reached its goal of 12,000 gallons of tourist soup made during the summer at the Hot Springs Pool. The soup, popular in Texas and Oklahoma, will be sold at various functions throughout the winter. Anyone who would like to retail the mixture is asked to call the town hall. The soup will be ready to go by October, as soon as the carrots and potatoes have softened up a bit say the cooks. As in years before packets of the stuff will be freeze-dried for mailing.

In yet other developments rogue elements of the city crew has warned tourists to stay on the sidewalks in 2020 or face elimination by city vehicles. Saying that a blatant disregard for law and order has reached flood stage, the perpetrator(s) of this decree have threatened to seize the flumes and return the exterior of the Beaumont Hotel to a faded pink if they are not taken seriously.

In closing, Ice Park officials say that October is far too early to be concerned about ice levels at the climbing facility up Camp Bird Road.

“We don’t flip into worry mode until proper temperatures start getting below freezing,” said one engineer.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Crew needed for Martian voyage. Personnel sought include helmsman, sheepherder, computer programmer, navigators, pilots, comfort hosts and hostesses, bartenders, maintenance engineers, architects. Chris in Genoa Gated Community.


In our 2019 much quoted Chuckhole Primer For the Ages we advised motorists to speed up when closing in on porous chuckholes. We suggested that with an increased speed and velocity the vehicle in motion would easily skim over the gaping holes/ landing safely on the other side without incident or damage to the under-carriage of the car.

Well, it turns out this approach is invalid and the promised results are very questionable. In fact following this advice will most likely destroy shocks, tires, wheels, mirrors, windshields, drive trains, seat covers, teeth, paint, glass and the alignment. And it could get you a reckless driving ticket to boot.

Driving fast and “flowing smoothly” over chuckholes is not a good idea at all. Although our research is not conclusive, we must at this time warn motorists to slow down and avoid chuckholes rather than hitting them head-on.

We have effectively changed our chuckhole status from “cool and macho” to “not at all advisable” unless your ride features specially made assault tires, a pop-up pontoon bridge for particularly deep and difficult chuckholes, or a parachute.

Low riders should proceed at their own risk, always employing the Penasco (tilde: enya) Principle (Multiply tire size by 6 and divide by the depth of the asphalt blemish).

High altitude (over 9000 feet) chuckholes should be avoided especially when they are with their young. Seasonal distractions such as hunters stringing nets over chuckholes to trap small rodents and birds will be discussed in our next chapter.

 – Beyon’ Dynamite

Blind Moto-Raton Driver Reinstated

(Arabica, Colombia) Coffee City has relented after an outpouring of public support for Hector Mancastle, the blind moto-raton driver that almost lost his livelihood here in this beautiful Andean village.

Last month, after complaints by tourists that Mancastle could not see them during primary ride negotiations, the city fathers and mothers confirmed that he had failed all driver testing. Furthermore they said he could no longer possess a driver’s permit (indeed he could not even see the written test) and therefore could no longer perform his duties as a conductor within the village limits. A copy of their decision was forwarded to officials in Antioquia.

“It’s vicious age discrimination,” said his half-sister Melba.

Mancastle is 95.

“I’ve been driving this here tuk-tuk for 58 years and although I can’t tell you its color I can say that I never hit anything.”      – Homer Mancastle, blind conductor.

It’s like that cow dog in front of the tourist train that began to bark if the thing didn’t embark exactly on-schedule each hour. That was all according to his canine calendar but this is a story about freedom and survival. What was Hector supposed to do, sit in the shade near the Arabica Hotel and bullshit all day?

“He may bee blind but he sure has a line of it,” said one younger driver who at 79 operates as many as three moto-ratons simultaneously, a standing record in the Andes since chewing gum was invented.

-Alfalfa Romero

Wong Hamstring Haunts Coaching Staff

The jury is still out in the hamstring case of High Flyer’s ace Wilber Wong who pulled the tendon while bicycling across the Azores in search of the perfect rosin vineyard last summer.

“Actually he may have snapped a wishbone,” said personal trainer Corky Kellerheistermann. “We’re taking precautionary action just the same.”

Sources unfamiliar with these proceedings say he won’t be back in pads and skylights until Thanksgiving.

Meanwhile Wolfgang “Porky” Leviathan’s hamstring came back negative according to team physicians who say Leviathan will overnight at the Mao Clinic before undergoing stuffing surgery on Wednesday. Doctors there assured us that his sacroiliac would be as good as giblet gravy in a week or two.

“I’m not afraid to die,” said the three-time champion and bad boy goalie Leviathan. “I just hope my insurance covers the medical bills.”

-Suzie Compost

Colorado could be out of weather by 2028

(Mack) The state of Colorado may find itself without measurable weather in less than 10 years say television climatologists and high altitude meteorologists here in the shadows of the Beehive State.

The impending disaster, ignored by most workaday residents and the thinly insulated affluent, could be on us sooner if past indications interface well with mounds of weather data reaching back before your first tooth. Although no one really understands what it might be like without any weather. Scientists can manipulate data but there is no hinge here, no connection since nothing like this has ever been recorded.

Imagine a day without sun, rain, wind or cold. What would that be like? Would darkness and light be affected? Would plants grow? Would animals continue to exist? Would the earth’s population by cut in half?

Would monster storms and climate refugees cease to exist?

“We must act now if we hope to prevent a disaster,” said Mark Oak, a weatherman who watches the whole mess from his mountain retreat in Nepal. “It may already be too late but I am not one to sit around on my hands when my world is collapsing around me.”

Meteorologists across the country blame humans for these global atrocities.

“You can blame methane gas, consumerism, ignorance, tribalism, self-worship, and go on and on, tying up the package with a black ribbon if you like, but it won’t save us,” said Oak. The only thing to do now to preserve our way of life and protect our precious genes is to hitch a ride to Mars.”

Concerned and responsible residents are urged to collect and forcibly can and conserve  unattended weather in apprehension of the day when we will be without. Some home self-generating adjustment will help but the damage has been done. It’s just one way the earth is asking us to “please leave”.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Overheard in Union Hall, West Cork, Republic of Ireland, May, 2019

Diner: “I’ll have the two pork chops, the rashers, two Clonakilty sausages, and black pudding.

Waiter: Would you like some meat with that?

Cleanup of Nude Beaches Set For Weekend

(Blue Mesa) The annual spring cleanup of the region’s nude beaches will be held this Saturday morning. Persons wishing to participate are asked to bring lawn tools, plastic bags and a good attitude. It is projected that over 400 volunteers will be needed to do the job.

Organizers warn that the cleanup must be completed before hunting season so as to avoid losing heavy revenues from hunters and to prevent the unfortunate incidents of he past. The two distinct groups do not interface well and, in the landmark case Elmer vs Tarzan, a hunter allegedly mistook a nude bather for an elk and fired away. Fortunately he was a bad shot and the volatile episode passed peacefully.

“The kind of rough and ready nudists that visit these often frigid shores are in search of solitude, peace and a natural state of affairs,” said Syd Skynn, proprietor of Syd’s Sun Screen Ventures located at Chicken Bay. “Besides, they’re very picky about cleanliness and grooming.”

Nudists, often perceived as minimalists, still leave a footprint. In their efforts to embrace the natural life they are generally respectful and tidy. However a few beer cans and an occasional plastic bag can be poorly discarded or left behind.

Experts project that nude bathers will spend in excess of 4.3 million dollars on the Western Slope this summer which is three times more than the combined sum spent by RV enthusiasts and mushroom hunters last season.   

“We seek to keep the lid on here in thermal paradise,” said Skynn. Co-existance is the key and seasonal priorities have to be appreciated.”

Volunteers are asked to arrive by 8 am. Participants may bring brooms and buckets but not vacuum cleaners since the sand plays havoc with the workings of the otherwise functional tools and they are quickly plugged up.  Plastic bags will be provided. A light lunch will be served after the sanitization.

Nude beaches have been legal in Colorado since 1900. for a map of the nearest natural cove or bare bay stop at the local chamber of comments.

“With a little elbow grease, polish  and some disinfectant we will be ready for increased summer traffic,” added Skynn. If we all work together we’ll continue have the best nude beaches in the nation.”

-Dusty Pearl