RSSAll Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

The media says “thousands” but there are hundreds of thousands taking to the streets!

Demonstrations all over the globe denouncing Trump. Massive crowds in most US cities and all over Europe and Asia.

Ice Climbing Absent From Scripture

(Ouray) The sport of ice climbing is not mentioned once in either The Old Testament or The New Testament according to a group of scholars brought here to determine how the Bible might be used to predict the weather.

After countless hours of exploring passages, no reference to ice, ice climbing or ice climbers was uncovered according to soon-to-be published findings of the academics who were assembled from churches and synagogues all over the world.

“The out-and-out absence of any reference to ice climbing suggests questionable morality here but in no way condones or condemns the behavior,” said one scholar. “At this point we in no way wish to insinuate that ice climbing is a sin.”

Hard-liners disagree saying that if the Creator had wanted people to climb ice he would have said so in his centuries of dictation to ghost writers among the Chosen People.

“Either that or we would all be born with built-in crampons and ice tools” laughed Orwell Freeze, one of the leading researchers in the field, or on the wall as it were. The Koran follows suit and contains no mention of the sport either.”

The results of the investigation are slated to be released in 6000 years.

“Our book talks about the specifics of a chaste and holy existence here on earth,” said one local preacher. There are references to burning bushes, swift swords, eating apples and great victories over the Philistines. There may even be mention of golf and tennis but nothing about ice climbing. Therefore we can only assume that it, along with all winter athletic activities, is wrong.”

Secular sources refute these conclusions saying that the weather in Palestine and the Mideast in general is free of ice and snow and therefore testimonials to these climatic conditions would not be included in the Bible.

“It’s important here to employ logic along with faith in making these final assertions,” said one climber. “There is nothing immoral about the sport itself but the often hedonistic lifestyle associated with it could be the deemed questionable in the arena of theocratic judgements. There is no mention of ice climbing in The Origin of the Species either,” said the source since there was little ice and snow in the Galapagos, where Darwin often lived. “The sudden unfurling of these feigned events demands further research,” she concluded. 

Critics of the analysis say the entire idea shows just how far the self-righteous will go in judging others, (even though their book specifically condemns such behavior). They maintain that ice climbing is a good, clean experience. Some participants questioned the sport’s staying power what with the heat and eventual thaw inherent to eternal hell fire.

“We live in a time where fairy tales and ancient fears dictate daily life for some. But this needle-nosed scrutiny comes in a disproportionate helping when these finger pointers need to take a good look into the mirror,” mused Freeze.

– Fred Zeppelin

FOX TO PAY VOUCHERS TO ENTHUSIASTS, COHORTS

Viewers who publicly endorse the FOX News philosophy and regularly parrot statements heard on the network, will begin receiving cash payments as part of Operation Wool Eyes starting next week.

The recipients of the checks are expected to continue to disseminate questionable “facts” and hateful gossip in low-end intellectual circles according to people familiar with the payouts. The checks will be sent in brown paper envelopes with no return address for security purposes.

     “FOX supporters have reacted to money like chickens pecking for corn in controlled psychological experiments,” said Edward R. Toole, author of  Where is the FCC? Imposters in a Counterfeit Newsroom.

     Toole calls most television news “bogus at best” but points to FOX as the most damaging to the American consciousness. He equates an audience that embraces and advances misleading stories to cigarette smokers who deny the dangers of second-hand smoke.

     “They would rather espouse hypocrisy and cling to scheming propaganda disguised as news than research the issues,” he continued. “Opinions are like..you know… Everybody has one.

     “The talking heads at FOX barely qualify as reactionaries since they don’t actually react but rather substitute fabricated news that fans the fires of ignorance and mistrust,” he explained.

     “MSNBC, CNN , and even NPR are no longer worth their salt since they have dropped the ball and sold out, accepting advertising from evil corporate entities such as Wal-Mart, Monsanto and a bevy of fast food chains. These news sources are not valid either since they advance their own fiscal agendas at the expense of well rounded information and thus a more educated public.”

     FOX has reportedly come out of the closet on the pay vouchers/checks after realizing that the American people were not paying attention to any of the network’s deceitful policies.

     “It’s not hard to herd sheep,” said Toole. “Its all linked to tedious repetition and a lack of tolerance and progressive thought…you know…like logic.”

     Famous immigrant and corporate pirate, Rupert Murdoch, owner of FOX News, did not return our phone calls regarding these developments since they were made from a courtesy phone over at the Supreme Quart.

     “We don’t make a habit of giving out personal phone numbers to creeps like that,” said Toole.

     The amount of the cut checks is directly related to the level of fraud the recipients are willing to ignore. Someone who constantly ape’s the FOX viewpoint might get a few hundred dollars every six months or so while more subdued spectators can expect significantly less, maybe enough for a  ticket to Nascar or a box of bullets.

     If you would like to apply to receive these entitlements send your name and contact information, bank routing number, proof of income, last grade attended, race, gender and a photo of your personal arsenal to FOX News, 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036 or call 212-301-3000. Packages delivered to Trump Towers will either be returned two sender or destroyed.

     Please include a short statement explaining why you love FOX News. We will get back to you shortly after an investigation into your FBI files, political allegiances and voting history. – Kashmir Horseshoe

“Guns don’t kill people…Camp chili does.”  – Elmer Fudd, famous hunter

     

RISING SEA LEVELS THREATEN OFF SHORE ACCOUNTS

Leading meteorologists and climate experts, banned from White House-sponsored meetings on climate change, say that raising ocean levels will create havoc in seaboard locales as early as next summer.

One particularly vulnerable target of this planetary phenomena are the countless off-shore money pits created by tax-evading corporate executives and the idle rich.

“Building your house on sand.. and all of that rot, has come home to a soggy roost,” said a scientist who has spent the last 30 years studying sea lions in coastal environs.

“We have seen raising water, vicious storm patterns and even aggressive behavior by generally docile sea lions against swimmers in the Pacific,” she said. “We can expect more attacks by animals who may end up as the caretakers of the planet after we humans extinguish ourselves. At the present you can pretty much bet there won’t be a lot of drilling or fracking near these sacred off-shore accounts which could further destabilize the nautical environment.”

The big question remains: Is terra firma resilient enough to handle the weight of this pecuniary cornucopia and assorted emotional baggage generated and exacerbated by the presence of criminals on these once lovely beaches. It looks like Atlantis for the Wealthy, where tax evasion replaces Neptune as King of the Oceans.

Both sides of the controversy agree that the flooding of these fiscal redoubts is an unintended result of the continuing denial of man-made climate change.

Yesterday Coast Guard Intercepts 4 massive yachts carrying precious metals, gems and gold bars as well as building supplies to an undisclosed destination. Unreliable sources here believe the ships were bound for legendary off shore accounts, owned by the rich and immoral.

GOP politicians and others remain at risk on the mainland due to leaks in the ceiling over at the House of Reprehensibles.

A salty, sodden blueprint, discovered in Vice President Mike Pence’s purse by what GOP patriots called “gay communist agents of Iran”, calls for 75 mansions to be raised in the new maritime communities. “If the Israelis can do it, albeit in semi-desert, so can we on the high seas.” it bragged.

In other news House Republicans have passed what feeble Democrats call “a biased and weighted” Pinnochio Resolution, despite the fact that no one had bothered to read the fable. The new bill lubricates diminished rights, theft of safety net benefits, the adoption of mistruths and hoarding of other people’s money.

For an unrelated but just terrific story please turn to Broncos put off at exclusion from Weekly NFL HighlightsOur boys are consistently left off due to poor play. in Soft News

Adopt a Congressman! The corporations certainly have.

TRUMP ENDORSES PUTIN FOR PRESIDENT

Putting to rest fears that he would support Vladimir Putin for President of the United States, Donald Trump today endorsed the Russian leader for President of The Russian Federation.

While European Union analysts suggest that Putin doesn’t need much help in his bid for reelection there is “always the outside chance” that he will not be elected and will be forced to assume his iron grip through more circuitous, surreptitious channels.

“Putin will be running the show here no matter how the voting turns out,” said Opposition leader Alexey Navalny, a prominent anti-corruption activist, who has been barred from running for president after what many see as a trumped up fraud conviction.

The polls indicate that Putin, a former KGB Lieutenant Colonel, is a sure winner despite whatever charades accompany the actual election. He has been in power for 18 years and has brought Russia from the chaos of Glasnost to a czar-like, totalitarian state where political protest is not tolerated.

“What’s a little hacking, doping, gangsterism, imposed sanctions among friends?” said White House statement. “We applaud  Putin’s stamina and his handling of the press as well as other dissent.

Putin has been in control since 1999, making him the longest sitting Russian ruler since Joseph Stalin and his infamous mustache/bigote which he started growing after the Kerensky Offensive.

Legal limits on highway caffein levels established

(Montrose) After almost a year of testing, the State of Colorado is poised to determine what comprises legal operation of a motor vehicle while on caffein. Long-running efforts have been both lauded and criticized by social and economic groups in the Rockies since the concept originated in 2015.

Once the restrictions are formulated, Highway Patrol and other law enforcement will be on the lookout for infractions, stopping any driver who exhibits aggressive, illogical or provocative behavior on state highways. According to the architects of the plan “the culling of offenders will make travel much safer and help control this epidemic that threatens to disrupt the very social fabric of the nation.”

Offending motorists can expect to be stopped for erratic speeds, loud music, registration snafus, mechanical issues, and even panicked glances. Officers have been trained to investigate suspicious drivers (and often dangerously whacked out passengers) who appear to be over-cooked on coffee. The aberrant pedal monkey could then be issued a DUIC (driving under the influence of caffein) or a more serious DWOC (driving while over-caffeinated).

If a routine stop suggests that a driver is jacked up in excess of the legal limits he will be arrested, detained, fined, reeducated and severely humiliated. After a day in court the alleged offender may lose his license and face increased insurance rates. Culpable motorists have been warned that police will be on red alert,  especially in the morning hours when coffee abuse is at its highest.

“It gives the cops something to do, someone to bust, in the later morning hours before drivers begin the afternoon and evening booze routine,” said a source at the Colorado Division of Transportation. “Caffein affects everyone differently. We know that. We also know that once the money is in our coffers these distinctions become less and less. It is clear that drugs do not mix well with tons of metal on wheels, traveling at high speeds in crowded or isolated arteries anywhere on dirt or asphalt.”

Experts say that although caffein is more difficult to detect in the blood, other symptoms of too much coffee are quite obvious. Nervousness, inability to concentrate, darting eye coordination, bean breath, profuse sweating, and haphazard  jittery movements behind the wheel are red flags to the trained eye. Roadside “sobriety” tests, while faulty and often inadmissible in court, often indicate unlawful habits before they lead to accidents.

Supporters of the emerging law say caffein leads to other more acute social issues such as domestic violence and road rage, while detractors insist that the move is just one more step in the direction of complete totalitarianism on the highways.

“It’s all about money, not safety,” said one critic. “Nobody in power really gives a tinker’s damn if you use cream and sugar or drink it black.”

Local officials here conclude that a few eggs or flapjacks in the morning could render the entire topic academic.

“It’s just one more good reason to eat a good breakfast,” said one. “Or stay the hell off the highway until you mellow out.”

Tommy Middlefinger

“Solving the population problem is not going to solve the problems of racism… of sexism… of religious intolerance… of war… of gross economic inequality. But if you don’t solve the population problem, you’re not going to solve any of those problems. Whatever problem you’re interested in, you’re not going to solve it unless you also solve the population problem. Whatever your cause, it’s a lost cause without population control.” – Paul Ehrlick from The Population Bomb written in 1968