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This Friday’s forecast calls for the metaphorical and proverbial cold day in hell with temperatures projected to plummet to the high 40s by smoky dawn. Already today we have observed people scurrying about trying to cover oaths and promises voiced in relation to the saying and the unlikely shift to cold weather down in quasi-tropical hell.

“It’ll be a cold day in hell when I work for you again,” they would say or “It’ll be a cold day in hell when I invite you to my funeral.”

Technically a negative analogy, statements like the above seek to compare the chances of and encounter with the chances of a phenomenon occurring. In the case of hell that phenomenon has never transpired.

A warming trend is expected by Sunday with highs returning to the more seasonal level of 137 degrees. Light winds are anticipated from Limbo and Purgatory by evening.   

Toupee Warning Extended

A toupee warning is in effect for Ouray, San Miguel, San Juan, Gunnison, Hinsdale, Delta and Montrose Counties through Friday night due to high winds with particularly acute and sticky conditions lingering on in Dolores and Montezuma Counties through the weekend.

The odd caveat is particularly perilous in tree-covered regions above 7000 feet near rocky slopes. Persons in those Region Zen can look forward to high, unpredictable winds that will make wearing toupees, hair pieces, tasteful wigs and even the more flamboyant hats a hazardous endeavor.

Many counties have already seen law enforcement personnel confiscating the artificial tufts due to cutting, vengeful, gusting winds roaring through Edith Bunker National Forest and the skimming the lightly defended Peaks of Cannabis Village Retirement Home. To the south star gazers will be delighted with the night skies as the wind subsides whooshing and whistling, albeit methodically, its disruptive way to the Sea of Cortez..

Dinner Nursery Rhymes

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Once upon a time a rather precocious Goldilocks went for a walk in the woods. Losing her way she came upon a large house with a sign saying: Private Property: Keep out! – The Bear Family. Ignoring the warning Goldilocks went inside. She saw three chairs. “One is too big,” she said. “The other is too soft, but the little one is just right. Somehow all three chairs got turned over and broken.

Then in the kitchen, after pocketing some silverware, it was more of the same: “This plate is too worn while the middle one is too fragile but the little one is just right. The porridge was freeze-dried. She left a mess in the sink.

On into the bedroom she went and, after checking for valuables in all the drawers Goldilocks saw three beds. “The big one is too hard,” she said, “while the medium sized one is too soft, but the little bed is just right.” Then, after using the bear’s toothbrushes and helping herself to a bubble bath, she fell asleep.

Moments later the Bear Family returned, mauled the intruder, and ate Goldilocks for dinner. When an investigation was mounted the Bears were exonerated on the basis of the Make My Day Law.

The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time there were three little homeless pigs. After receiving their welfare checks they all bought building materials so as to construct houses. The first pig built his of straw, the second of sticks and the third of brick. Then, in what appeared to be a matter of minutes the Big Bad Wolf showed up threatening to Huff and Puff and Blow the houses in. Well, he wasn’t kidding. The first house was easy, the second required a bit more wind, and the third house was leveled with the assistance of Israeli Army units who just happened to be in the neighborhood looking for Palestinian terrorists. Then the Big Bad Wolf ate up all three of the pigs, and kept their earnest money. He would have offered some to the bulldozer crews but they were kosher.

Hansel and Gretel     

Once upon a time a brother and sister act, Hansel and Gretel ran away from an evil stepfather back at the ranch. So as not to lose their way in the enchanted forest they dropped microwave popcorn along their trail. Unfortunately magpies ate it all (duh?) and the children became lost. After a few hours they came to a witch’s house made of candy, gingerbread and icing. They peeked into the window, began eating the insulation and siding. Soon they were caught by the witch, who had no sweet tooth to speak of, and thrown into a birdcage. The witch then fattened up Hansel and Gretel like common veal on gruel and bad Mexican food for about two weeks. Then one morning she chicken fried the two and ate one for lunch and one for dinner. She was later arrested and indicted on charges of cannibalism and is doing time as a political prisoner in Canon City.

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon another time Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to bring wine and cheese to grandma’s condo on the golf course. On the way she was intercepted by The Wolf who had only moments before gobbled up grandma, her assets and her poodle. Then he stole her RV. The wolf approached in a gentlemanly manner but Little Red Riding Hood, who held a black belt in Tai-Kwon-Do was having none of it.

He quickly split, retracing his steps to grandma’s condo. The wolf, a known transvestite, changed into grandma’s clothes and hopped on the bed in apprehension of Riding Hood’s arrival. When she called out at the security gate (which the wolf had earlier easily scaled while the guard was out smoking a joint) and the wolf answered in his best grandma voice: “Yes, dear. I’m in here.”

When Riding Hood, a graduate of Western Colorado State University, came into the room she knew something was wrong but went into the familiar refrain “What big eyes you have. What a big nose you have, etc., covering the facial features, bodily gestures, breath and encroaching fur, ad nauseam. When she said something about his big, white, shiny teeth the wolf (who had been waiting all day to deliver his line) uttered those immortal words: “All the better to eat you with!” Then he followed through and ate her all up, washing her down with the bottle of cheap white wine that was too sweet for even a wolf.

Having finished his second dinner of the day the tired wolf emptied the liquor cabinet and strolled out of grandma’s condo only to be shot fifty times by the local police who had come to bust the gate guard. He was then sold to a famous food chain and made into chicken fingers.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill as we all know, but what happened then was shocking. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill, thinking he had expired ate him for lunch. He tasted better than the peanut butter and jelly that mother had packed that morning. Jill claimed insanity and is currently under house arrest in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where everyone lived happily ever after.


Vacant White House Offices Part of Grand Casino Designation

(Washington) Without precedence, the empty offices of former aides and cabinet members of the Trump Administration have become blatant eyesores in the nation’s capital.

Rampant employee turnover and departures/desertions by a host of former Trump advisors have precipitated an embarrassing interlude in the piggly-wiggly tweeting and puerile tantrums that have highlighted this Presidency.

The surprise proposal? The entire East Wing of the landmark residence could become a hotel and casino before the 2020 elections. This narcissistic solution has placated clear thinkers within the President’s base but has left the rest of the country wondering.

Supporters of the new construction say the venture is sure to be a hit with castlephiles and disposable eccentrics all over the world. They see no conflict of interest if a national monument becomes part of the Trump Empire where shoddiness, bad blood and bankruptcies abound.

Critics contend that Trump does not own the property and that he has no right make major architectural changes to the place. They warn that Republicans plan to privatize Rockland Park and drill for oil below most of the monuments and museums that grace Washington.

“Is this reality or just another realty television show?” many are asking

They further cautioned tradesmen, many who support Trump, that Donald does not pay his bills.

In addition, an elite 18-hole golf course, projected for the West Lawn in 2021, has been lauded by some as a multi-use project that will make use of undeveloped property in the center of the city. Meanwhile social scientists expressed dismay in that moves toward affordable housing and gentrification relief would be “seriously thwarted” by what they called “insensitivity to the greater good.”

In a related observation readers may recall the uproar in the Republican House and Senate when the Clintons suggested turning part of the White House into a bed and breakfast back in the 90s.

– Tommy Middlefinger

“Despite the proliferation of fear-based religion running rampant in my country I see a distinct and unsettling absence of spiritualism and an acute inability to face real life. Yes, most Americans can still sing and dance but few do.”

– Melvin Toole, somewhere on Highway 90, Montrose County, Colorado.

Neptune, Pluto Right in Rejecting Refugee Pleas

(Milky Quay) The outright rejection of Earthlings from consideration for political and social refugee status is the only logical path to cosmic survival, say leaders on the planet of Neptune and the star-planet of Pluto.

Mounds of formal rejections, especially from Americans, crowd the tiny immigration offices on both heavenly bodies making it impossible for governing entities to function and opening the door to further chaos.

Applications for refugee status have burgeoned due to over-population, pollution, monster weather, war and famine on earth. As Neptune sees it these petitioners have a bad attitude and want to bring it here.

“The supplicants are mostly from the corporate class, a wealthy segment of the population that, as a result of evil profits, can afford to pay cash for the light year journey,” said a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s Office on Pluto. “They have destroyed their own planet and now they want to come here. We don’t want these people in our world.”

As of this morning Pluto has cut off 3-month visas for beings from east of Saturn.

“These people don’t take responsibility for the destruction of their planet and now they want to live here at the frontier of the solar system,” said Jared Jarr, a minor bureaucrat on Neptune. “We just don’t see how this will ever work out to anyone’s benefit.”

There is no personal property on Neptune or Pluto while honor, family and land are the most important variable in the tightly regulated societies. A distinct majority of voters in both locales expressed concern that the inclusion of earthlings would disrupt their peaceful lives and disrupt bloodlines that have been a mainstay for centuries.

“The track record of these petitioners and their almost laughable embrace of superstition is not in accordance with our sense of morality,” added Jarr. “Many have allowed a fairy tale to dictate their lives and have never looked beyond the surface for answers…metaphysical and/or empiricist.”

Pathways to both destinations are very difficult to negotiate due to the prevalent Jolley Current, a vastest system of air currents that, when correctly interfaced, prevents space travelers from orbiting and makes it virtually impossible to approach either planet. Without acute instrument manipulation, light year translation and the application of cloud codes (jealously guarded by elite security forces) their ships could be trapped in outer space or even sucked into the infamous and constantly vigilant Black Hole.

In short, without the assistance of allies on the ground nobody can land. Private ventures, hauling wealthy ex-patriots and their gold might even face anti-aircraft batteries and fighter planes when they finally reach strong gravitational fields of the coveted zones.

“It’s sad that we have to reject all of the earthling applicants just because of the greed and racism of just a few,” said Jarr. “While we realize that many beings on earth are victims too we cannot accommodate them. We suggest they take their heads out of Uranus, indict the guilty and take radical steps to bring these gluttonous devils to justice. Then, maybe we can develop a dialogue on the issue.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Red Mountain Open for the Summer

Red Mountain Pass, along with Molas Pass and Coal Bank Hill are open for business after a series of slides, late snowfall and herds of sheep prevented the transportation artery from functioning at full capacity in May. Above we catch a reenactment of the 1890 range wars that left thousands disenfranchised. Note the remnants of crude guard rails at the bottom of the ravine. (Miraflora Marigold Photo)

Cheney Jet Down Over Iraq

A personal jet, registered to Richard “Dick” Cheney has reportedly crashed near Mosul, Iraq this morning. Although no final announcement has been released as to the status of passengers, evidence suggests there may have been survivors.

Cheney and many of his cronies are wanted for war crimes due to Operation Iraqi Freedom and other smoking gun actions taken against the Iraqi people and many other suspects (anyone caught hanging around that looked Arabic) in the shadows of 9/11.

The Iraqi government has yet to respond to demands from the Trump White House that any Americans who survived the descent should be repatriated. Insiders say that Cheney and others could be held and prosecuted as war criminals. *

Iraq, and entire Mideast was dangerously destabilized by bombings (2003) and occupation by coalition troops (2003-2011) during the war for oil.

Collateral damages include one million Iraqis who died due to the pre-emptive strikes and the violence that followed.

Area near where the Cheney plane went down last night

It was not known why the Cheney entourage had returned to Iraqi flight space or what they might have been looking for on the ground.

“Perhaps they left a few barrels of oil or a box of ancient Mesopotamian artifacts worth plenty on the black market,” chided one opponent of the 2003 excursion.

Records show that the then Vice President profited greatly through his association with Halliburton, a firm he ran before joining the Bush ticket in 2000. Contractors reaped an estimated 138-billon dollars according to major media sources.

It was not immediately clear if other members of that former Bush Administration or if Cheney’s lovely daughter Liz were onboard at the time of the crash.

One insurgent group in Iraq has offered the safe return of all the Americans in trade for the sovereignty of the state of Wyoming that is held sacred by both Sunni and Shia Muslims. Pro-Israel voices in the Senate say they intend to create a Palestinian Homeland in that sparsely populated locality.

– Tommy Middlefinger

*In what is the first ever conviction of its kind anywhere in the world, the former US President and seven key members of his administration were… found guilty of war crimes. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and their legal advisers Alberto Gonzales, David Addington, William Haynes, Jay Bybee and John Yoo were tried in absentia in Malaysia…At the end of the week-long hearing, the five-panel tribunal unanimously delivered guilty verdicts against Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and their key legal advisors who were all convicted as war criminals for torture and cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment. A full transcript of the charges, witness statements and other relevant material was then sent to the Chief Prosecutor of the International Criminal Court, as well as the United Nations and the Security Council.