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Pentagon Plan Would Bomb Virus Back to the Stoned Age

Pentagon Plan Would Bomb Virus Back to the Stoned Age

(Warshinkton) Whistle blowers here tell of a not-so-secret plan to bomb the infamous Coronavirus19 into submission. The strategy, logical enough if one crunches numbers in the budgetary pie, has allegedly been discussed since February leaving munitions manufacturers beaming and citizens watching the sky.

According to Dr. Timothy “Tim” Maloney, a fellow at the Altered States Conservatory, the matter is all but wrapped in plastic and out the door. Although he doesn’t agree with the explosive solution he is not surprised.

“They will do anything to remove themselves from the proverbial hook,” he explained. “It doesn’t matter if it makes any sense. It is action at a time when action is required and people are still buying snake oil solutions. Targets, delivery systems and elected officials make strange bedfellows in times of impending disaster as well as acute inconvenience,” he chuckled.

When pressed, several high-ranking staff officers denied the accusations but did not condemn the proposals that they insisted were never brought to the table and such.

“We’re not saying we talked about bombing the virus but we’re not saying it couldn’t work,” said one general. “We currently maintain a stockpile of weapons that could destroy the planet 300 times. Surely that would be ample firepower to waste the virus, even with the acknowledged collateral damage. We could start by bombing hospitals since that’s where so many of the sick people are now residing.”

Meanwhile the White House urged Americans and some Canadians who want to be like Americans, to remain under their school desks until this whole medical disaster blows over.

As of this afternoon there has been no update on a suspected plot by Senate Republicans to bail out FOX News and guarantee bonuses for CEOs affected by the crashing stock market and the rising cost of ventilators on the black market.

Note: Voices from the ashes of the Center for Disease Control are demanding that anyone who has had contact with Trump, Pence or Kushner report to his/her nearest aluminum bingo hall/hospital to undergo what has been described as a painful exorcism ritual as soon as possible.

– Finn McCool

Unreliable sources contributed to this report

Two ears, two wheels

Two ears, two wheels

This Easy Rider waits for his master to return from the supermarket in Jardin, Colombia.      (photo by Delinda Austin)

Many US bear moving to Canada

(Sand Point, ID) The mass migration of hundreds of Lower 48 bruins to Canada could be politically motivated or simply instinctual say animal behaviorists busy observing the exodus.

“This odd self-exile began right after hibernation was over and has continued through the traditionally restful spring when the animals attempt to beef up for summer outings.,” said Dolores Alegria of the animals rights Fur and Feathers Society. “Generally these beasts drop anchor near fixed food sources and engage in familiar mating rituals in proven wilderness havens before wandering the summer mountains.

Bear habitat has been gradually diminishing here and in Montana due to development. While other species like wolves and moose have been reintroduced to the Rockies from New Mexico to Wyoming the bear population has been put on the back burner, leaving many to wonder about the future.

“They don’t have much…a few momentos, a jar of honey, faded photos, some fish bones, a favorite piece of trash,” said Alegria. Parading north, relying on skills honed in the forest the bruins avoid the border patrols and the armed militias pledging to turn them back.

– Uncle Pahgre

Other Names for The Boogie Man

(and The Boogey Woman in different cultures)

La Chula Chaqui

(ghosts in Peruvian Desert)

Would approach a lone rider at night during a blinding sandstorm and hurl him from his horse onto the barren ground where he would often trample or beat the hapless victim until first light.

El “Homem del scan”

(Child stealer of Bahia)

The sacking man or the bag man takes disobedient children along to live with bands of madmen. Known in Brasil, Portugal, Angola, Cape Verde, and Mozambique. He or she creeps through open windows at night and lives in damp basements, embracing the light of day only to do evil. He kidnaps naughty children in broad daylight and carry them away in a sack. Depending on regional variants, he either sells the children or eats them.

The Coco

(Latin American poltergeist)

Monster who visits the confused and disoriented, the self-defeated and people frightened of new things. Appears in black or bright red at sundown and stays all night. Lives under beds and in dark closets. A bugbear. Often used to refer to groundless, irrational, illogical or exaggerated fear.

Buga Buga

(Constant nightmare in Northern Europe)

A shadowy, amorphous ghost who hides in dark places in order to frighten unsuspecting victims. He’s more of a nuisance than a danger, and his power is easily neutralized by bright light. Netherlands. Other known whereabouts: Belgium, Germany

Bokkenrijders 

(Vengeful marauders in Italy and Spain)

These creatures of fright are ghost robbers riding on flying goats. These boogies were  actively created by thieves in the 18th century to intimidate and terrorize local farming communities. Haunts southern Europe and South America. In Northern Europe he often works as Saint Nicholas’ evil sidekick.

Baba Yaga

(Cold, cruel and deadly)

A Slavic witch of the Russian forests. She lives in a shack that stands on giant chicken legs, rides around in a flying mortar and carries a giant pestle. Unpredictable with humans, she is just as likely to help you as eat you. 

H’awouahoua

(The most horrible presence in North Africa)

A terrifying Algerian monster – the H’awouahoua is described as having a body composed of conflicting government entities and eyes that are blobs of flaming bullshit. It only votes by party line and spend most of its elected term getting reelected.To top it off his coat is made from the clothes of the many children it has eaten.

Tokoloshe

(The Wizard’s Helpers in South Africa)

Tokoloshe are water sprites who do the bidding of evil South African wizards. They can become invisible by drinking water then pouncing on and grabbing at children. One might protect himself from Tokoloshe while asleep by placing a brick beneath each leg of your bed. That will keep them at bay while rituals take control. Final banishment will require the services of a witch doctor.

Gurumapa

(Himalayan beasts now pacified?)

The Gurumapa iof Nepal was a man-eating giant who abandoned his evil ways and enjoys a position of honor in Katmandu in exchange for not eating local kids. He is known to consume an entire water buffalo in one sitting.

Wewe Gombel

(Benevolent, yet frightening witch)

Female spirit, Wewe Gombel kidnaps Indonesian children in order to save them from bad parents. She lovingly cares for them in her nest atop a palm tree, refusing to return them until their parents alter their abusive or neglectful ways.

Namahage

(Japanese ghosts on the New Year)

These Japanese ogres go from door to door on New Year’s Eve, looking for children who have misbehaved that year. They celebrate the season by carrying away children who are lazy or insolent.

Mètminwi

(Island Fiend of little discretion)

This Haitian boogeyman is described as a man with incredibly long legs who walks around towns at midnight to catch and eat anyone who is still outside. His name is a contraction of the French maître (master) and minuit (midnight).

La Llorona

(Wandering murderer searching for peace)

This Mexican ghost of a woman who drowned her children in order to be with a man who ultimately spurned her. Destitute, she drowned herself — but she’s barred from entering heaven until she finds her children. At night, she wanders along the riverbanks looking for them, crying “¡Ay mis hijos!” (Oh my children!) and snatching any child she mistakes for her own.

Socialism

(Frightens the sheep)

This very American spirit confronts the ancient concept of the divine right of the rich to rule. Socialism is not the boogyman that breaks down the door at night with a machine gun and furry Russian hat. That terror is attributed to communism or fascism. Instilling fear in the hearts of the great unwashed keeps the poor from seeking what is theirs while paying taxes and tribute to a rogue government that represents only the rich. Most of the people who are afraid of socialism cannot define the term. These people have been brainwashed into believing that they are included in a Big Boy Democracy when there is not one. Until people stand up to these fictitious soul-eating intruders, the monsters that plague them will continue to marginalize their lives and invade their sleep.

– Fred Zeppelin

My Grandma’s Irish Stew

Actually this recipe comes from my great grandmother, Mary O’Brien,

who moved to New York from County Tipperary in 1858.

*Fry equal portions of lamb and beef in flour and oil (About one pound of each)

*Add eight medium size potatoes and a dozen carrots.

*Add three stalks of celery, 1/2 an onion and two small cloves of garlic.

*Put ingredients in caste iron cook pot, cover and simmer for twenty minutes.

*Salt and pepper to taste

*Add two fifths of John Powers Irish whiskey

*Simmer for 45 minutes. Serve with soda bread and a keg of Guinness.

If any portion of the above ingredients seems too extreme feel free to cut back on the suggested amounts. For instance: Maybe there are too many carrots for some tastes.

– Kevin Haley

Continued from “Brasilia in Flames-Amazoa Revenge"

Continued from “Brasilia in Flames-Amazoa Revenge”

Continued from the front

then draping taut clusters of Kapoc and pieces of ancient Sumaumeira trees around the windows and doors so that they could insulate themselves from the ever-creeping jungle now intent on engulfing the entire logging camp. Over across the clear-cut pastures it was much the same.

Angry Amazon rainforest on fire

“During the day everything is fine as well-armed burning crews set out to reclaim more virgin rainforest so as to run cattle and plant soybeans,” said one Quechua source. “The Amazon can never recover from this wanton destruction.

“The smoke can be seen for miles and miles. The smell of the executed trees is overwhelming. At dusk the men return to the makeshift camp and then all the retribution starts. The sound of the plants moving en masse and the screams when they take a worker are nightmares many of us will never outlive,” continued the Quechua man, who lives in a traditional village nearby – one that is threatened by the mass destruction.

Terrified eyewitnesses report that massive vines as well as epiphytes like moss and bromeliads lead the initial assault, trapping stragglers and choking many of the often drunken residents of these filthy, diesel-infested sites. During sleeping hours the situation grows worse as plentiful Euterpe Precatoria and tough rubber trees join in the one-sided massacre of smothering and strangulation. In the morning there is little else to do but dig shallow graves in the sandy soil and go to work cutting and burning, hoping to punish rogue plant life and discourage another night’s rampage.

“The governments and the land barons do not want this news to get out, as one might imagine,” said the indigenous source. “All that violence might get someone’s attention and the mindless burning and cutting brought to a halt. After watching this struggle emerge night after night I realize that not only the native people are of no value to these agricultural monsters. We are all expendable.”

Scientists working for several South American concerns agree that it is highly unlikely that a confederation of plants is at the root of the havoc. They say workers have simply stumbled onto bad whiskey and have imagined the hellish harassment, the nocturnal dosage, and the jungle’s spell.

Despite the downplay by the experts local authorities are on alert after reports of monkey brush vine, pitcher plants (carnivores) passion flowers (pollinated by bats) and Victoria Amazoa perched within striking distance of towns and cities that harbor plant murderers (homicidam donari flora, genus: tropicae silva).

– Suzie Compost