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No Lie Zone Riles Kellyanne, Huckabee Woman

An unprecedented No Lie Zone, banning both Kellyanne Conway and the Sarah Huckabee Sanders from the press conference microphone goes into affect this afternoon after much blind whining and tweeting by the Oval Office.

Calling his close advisors good Christians, the extramarital chief executive blasted the action taken by what he called “rogue factions of the U.S. military” over the weekend.

These two women are gold, “the last of the loyal,” said Trump.Liars have long noses. I don’t see any long noses here.”

The Air Force decided on the restrictions after burgeoning mistruths and childish explanations continued to flow from the two spokespersons. The No Lie Zone will be conducted much like a No Fly Zone that prohibits certain movements and access to conventional response.

“Farfetched tales emanating from this den of thieves would make Pinocchio blush,” said an unidentified source investigating Donald Trump’s golf handicap.

Both Kellyanne and Huckabee have been nominated to the prestigious Liar’s Hall-of-Fame in Truth or Consequences NM. In the recent past the honor has been bestowed on such great liars as Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin and Richard Nixon. Until 2009 the “society” was strictly men-only but due to pressure from the Obama Administration women are now eligible for induction.

“Sometimes it is difficult to separate the blatant lies from genetic stupidity,” continued the handicap scrutinizer, who shared concerns that Trump aides and devotees are worse than the product they support.

“Turning one’s attention away from criminals does nothing for the duped,” he added. “Is deceit now the business of the day?”

Meanwhile Mike Pence announced he would opt out on his final two years of WH eligibility and enter an assisted living agreement with Madame Tussauds Wax Museum for treatment in February. “Let’s just say he’s not joining the staff,” said a bystander familiar with the alteration.

– Small Mouth Bess

“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”
― George Orwell, 1984

And just in time for ’19

Sing Along With Mitch*

DISENGAGEMENT FROM A QUESTIONABLE MILITARY COMMITMENT?
LEAVING TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IS ONE APPROACH.
To the tune of Bringing in the Sheaves

Selling out the Kurds

 Sowing in the Mideast, sowing seeds of evil

Sowing in the moonlight shadows till the smoky end.

Waiting for the militants, and the time of weeping

We shall screw our allies, selling out the Kurds.

Refrain:

Selling out the Kurds, selling out the Kurds

Who shall watch Damascus ? Selling out the Kurds.

Selling out the Kurds, selling out he Kurds

Our one true friend in Syria, selling out the Kurds.

Sowing in the caliph, sowing in sand

Fools fear not ISIS, al Qaeda, or resurgent Taliban

By and by the struggle, the front line is absurd.

We shall be back stabbers, selling out the Kurds.

Going forth by reaping, sowing for the mullah

A promise made by dervish, our spirit’s broken words.

When the dead are buried no one bids us welcome

We shall come dishonored, selling out the Kurds.

Refrain

*Reference to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, and his kowtowing.
2nd reference to Mitch Miller and the Boys a choral-chorus popular in the 50s

Border Wall To Feature Trump Hotel

In what might be the most blatant example of a conflict of interest, President Trump today tweeted that he would build the newest Trump Hotel within his proposed border wall. The final drawings for the 400-room inn have been completed and, according to family members “will thrill pilgrims and sightseers alike with quasi-jaded magnificence and bulging veins of bad taste throughout.”

The exact spot of the hotel was not pinpointed but rumors suggest that Texas, the only solid red state along the Mexican border, has the inside track.

As most readers already know the controversial Trump-Mex Wall blueprint calls for strategic convenience stores, discount houses, an industrial laundry, beauty parlors, full service gasoline, and many fast food entities. According to Wake Up Donald FOX News analysts now running the White House, it may be the first of many.

“It will be fantastic,” tweeted what is left of Trump. “It will create millions of jobs. It will solve our immigration problems for decades. It will stretch from sea to shining sea.*”

Democrats rejected these facts saying that Trump’s history of bankruptcies and failure to pay sub-contractors is the bugaboo here. Reminding readers that Trump was born rich and did not create his own fortune they warn of a major fiasco in the Southwest.

These pretty-haired parrots turned power-loving hawks described a multi-star, lavish hotel amid a concrete deterrent brightly painted with lots of neon and free parking. Most of the retail outlets would be open 24 hours.

“We have commitments from the big box giants,” said Goldy Kushner, producer-developer of what many are calling a structural marvel. “Soon our walled strip mall will look like every small town and suburb in America.”

The problem is that the wall has yet to be financed or built. Congress won’t pay for it. Mexico won’t pay for it. Troops continue to patrol the stretch of land from the Pacific to the Mississippi. Persons seeking asylum continue to wait. Desperate refugees still try to sneak across. A woman sells tamales in the parking lot. A man hawks sunglasses on the bridge.

Tear gas and incompetence with a quick jutting look over the shoulder to see if a weak-minded base is paying attention.

Proponents say the economy will benefit once order has been reestablished. The flagship hotel is expected to bring in millions with a soft opening in March. Well-heeled guests include former White House staffers, Russian mobsters, sycophant Republicans, Saudi RVers and members of the extended family. Grandstands to accommodate another 7 million supporters will be constructed pool side.

“A line of retailers on Mexican side will feature US made goods while consumers on the US side could purchase all sorts of Mexican goods with no tariffs or worries about exchange rates,” said one anxious shopper. “They all accept credit cads.”

Right smack in the middle of everything, somewhere in southern New Mexico, a Trump Hotel will miraculously rise on the backs of former wetbacks. Amid the spray-painted art and thecolorado funny paperfamiliar slogans the Five-Star monstrosity will reign over the land.

“We’re not sure who will want to stay there,” said an unidentified White House chief of staff. “It won’t be the cruise set or the beach lovers and it certainly won’t be the immigrants.”

In a related development Mouse Speaker Nancy Pelosi is making good on an election promise to visit every American household by Valentine’s Day.

“Let’s all go where the big bears live,” said Pelosi who has popped in on almost 50 families since November.

Most liberals within the party did not comprehend the bruin reference nor do they approve of the house calls that they say are far too personal and set a bad precedence with voters.

– Pepper Salte

*Is from sea to shining sea is a calculated misuse of Manifest Destiny jingoism here? The proposed wall would stretch from sea to shining gulf but that doesn’t rhyme and won’t get the attention of a barely literate base bent on sound bytes and infantile slogans. If the telltale statement was based on geographical ignorance maybe someone should have given this Trump entity a map of the United States for Christmas instead of another red tie.

Bass boat fleet arrives at North Pole

The first frozen bass boat arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.

Bass boat arrives at North Pole

But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.

“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”

One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.

“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.

News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.

Santa during off-season. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked.

“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.

The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas immediate family.

“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”

For a related piece turn to What to buy for a polar bear? in Lifestyles On Ice

Trump Clobbers Lame Duck With Nine Iron

(Mar de Mars) President for now Donald Trump used a nine-iron on a bothersome lame duck Friday on the 16th hole at his golf corpse here. The duck reportedly laughed at his backswing and the Commander in Chief flew into action repeatedly whacking the quacking bird with his golf club.

It was not clear if the injured duck was of the Peking variety.

Trump, as has been the case recently, played alone with even the regular Republican sycophants avoiding him. Several challenging holes were restricted due to a pending government shutdown that sent greens keepers home without pay.

Angry onlookers rescued the lame duck and brought it to a local veterinarian’s office where it is expected to survive the impulsive attack. One fed-up golfer even cornered the President and lectured him on evangelistic climate change while describing the daily routine life in a federal prison cell.

That Huckabee woman, acting as pending press secretary said the President had every right to strike the duck that was no doubt a feathered immigrant. They said that the mallard pest deserved what he got and since the animal was no longer protected under the Endangered Species Act it was fair game.

“Our leader is no pigeon. He’s tough to the bone,” she stressed. “He stands up to protect America from these kind of terrorist episodes.”

One Trump critic suggested that Trump should be tougher on Russians, White Supremacists, Saudis, bloodthirsty dictators and his immediate family.

A local newspaper defended Trump a la tongue-in-cheek:

“It takes a brave man to do what our President did while under duress,” said an editorial in The Capitol City Poultry Examiner. “His courage is without comparison.”

The Lame Duck along with the Squatting Heifer, the Flint Water Muskrat, the Palomino Kingfisher and most of the fish in both oceans were dropped from the protected status by Trump during his first few hours in office. This action raised eyebrows and started people chatting about unnatural science and the priorities of a self-consuming business agenda.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was perhaps the harshest critic saying “the unprovoked assault on a duck made Trump look like the turkey that he has become.”

After sinking a four-foot putt on number 18 Trump said he didn’t care what the majority of Americans thought of him so long as his base continued to “slurp the pabulum”.

The President will attend a January White Sale rally in West Palm Beach before returning to Washington on Friday.