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Everybody needs a wall!

WAITING FOR COUSTEAU

A rural harbor. A pier

Evening

Estragon, sitting on the beach, is trying to take off his flippers and catch a fish with a spear. He pulls the flippers with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter Vladimir.

Estragon: (Giving up again) Nothing to be caught.

Vladimir: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart)

I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I’ve tried to put it from me, saying, Vladimir, be reasonable, there are other fish to fry. And I resume the struggle. (He broods, musing on the struggle. Turns to Estragon.) So there you are again with a line in the water.

Estragon: Am I?

Vladamir: I’m glad to see you back. I thought you had gone fishing on that boat forever.

Estragon: Me too.

Vladimir: Together again at last. We’ll have to celebrate with a fish fry. I have French wine. But how will we catch such? (He reflects) Get up till I embrace you.

Estragon (irritably) Not now. Not now. I think I have a bite.

Vladimir: (hurt, coldly) May I inquire where His Highness spent the night?

Estragon: On the boat.

Vladimir: (admiringly) A boat! Where?

Estragon: (without gesture) Over there.

Vladimir: And they didn’t make you clean fish?

Estragon: Clean fish? Certainly I cleaned fish.

Vladimir: The same lot as usual?

Estragon: The same? I don’t know.

Vladimir: When I think of it…all these years…but for me…where would you be…(Decisively) You’d be nothing more than carp bait, a little heap of bones at the present minute, no doubt about it.

Estragon: And what of it?

Vladimir: (gloomily) It’s too much for one fisherman. (Pause. Cheerfully) On the other hand what’s the good of losing your catch now, that’s what I say. We should have thought of a net a million years ago, in the nineties when the whales still roamed.

Estragon: Ah stop blathering and help me pull this bloody one in. We’re going to be in an underwater film.

Vladimir: Hand in hand from the top of the Eiffel Tower, among the first. We were respectable anglers in those days. Now it’s too late. They wouldn’t even let us throw out a line. (Estragon tears at the flippers) What are you doing?

Estragon: Taking off my oxygen tank. Did that ever happen to you?

Vladimir: Diving equipment must be taken off each day, I’m tired telling you that. Why don’t you listen to me?

Estragon: (feebly) Help me!

Vladimir: It hurts?

Estragon: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts! A spear hurts!

Vladimir: (angrily) No one ever suffers but you. I don’t count. I’d like to hear what you’d say if you were bitten by a barracuda!

Estragon: It hurts?

Vladimir: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!

Estragon: (pointing) You might button it all the same.

Vladimir: (stooping) True. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.

Estragon: What do you expect, you always wait until the last moment to set the hook.

Vladimir: Well? Shall we go?

Estragon: Yes, let’s go

They do not move.

Continued next month

“Loosin’ up your breeches, grab a hunk of chew, turn your skis downhill. Now go for it.”

– advice from early ski instruction manual, Red Mountain, 1907

They’re ruinin’ pro wrastlin’

by Cowboy Earl MacAdoo

Years ago come Saturday afternoon or even Friday night we’d all gather round the TV and watch as our favorite wrestlers fought it out to see who was really the toughest. Ain’t like that no more. Now we got foreigners up there on the mat a-spoutin’ off in Chinese or French. Where’s all the American boys…collecting their welfare checks? We got all kind of nose biting, throat squeezing, soap rubbing, Kung-Fu heroes sneakin’ a peek at the camera while they waddle and somersault their way toward the next paycheck.

Back in the Fifties them wrestlers didn’t punch out no camera men neither! They had respect for sports casters and respect for themselves. It ain’t that way no more. Most of these boys is just looking for riding time, in front of the cameras, that is. They’re too fat to feud and too dressed up to fight. It’s all a shabby damn donnybrook that’s akin to  sweaty soap opera, though nobody’s tossing in the towel…yet.

Wrestling, like all other sports has changed over the past thirty years. Fans have to be fans and accept these changes as part of the evolution of the sport. But I’ll tell you here and now…there’s one change that threatens the future of pro wrestling and could destroy the sport for generations not yet hatched! And I ain’t talkin’ about no gamblin’, I’m talking about women sashayin’ around in the ring taking all the limelight away from the real stars of the contest.

When the Sheik, Chief Sun-Moon and The Crusher were just breaking into the sport as rookies, did you ever see a woman on stage? Hell no. Wrestling, along with just about everything else, was sexy enough to suit back in those days. (There were no women sports casters either telling you what their male counterparts served for dinner last night). Now every lame grappler has got his wife or girlfriend or sister or even his momma up there with him and some of them’s real damn mean too. Why just the other evening I watched stunned as one of the Hillbilly Brother’s girlfriends knocked the hell out of The Masked Marauder.

Sure as flies at a cattle drive, soon after the release of that Hulk feller’s next movie we’ll be seeing even more pre-packaged sex in professional wrestling. He’s got no scruples. My little niece could whup that bleach-blond blimp! He’ll have groupies hanging all over him from start to finish. What kind of a message is that sending to our youth? I think it stinks.

Is nothing sacred? Why can’t women leave wrestling to the men and stay on the roller-derby track where they belong?

(Copyright, 2018, Good ‘Ol News Services)

Cowboy Earl MacAdoo appears compliments of the Good ‘Ol Boy News Service. Recognized as the “Groucho of the Pasture” Earl now lives on Spring Creek Mesa west of Montrose. His opinions are not necessarily those of this newspaper.

WESTERN COLORADO FROM A – Z

A primer for visitors and residents who may have missed something

by Uncle Pahgre

with apologies to Ambrose Bierce

Armadillo – a.) one of the few organisms not found in gaping chuckholes on Colorado highways. b.) rhymes with a city on the way to Plano.

Buffalo (Golden) – a. A football team that, despite drafting prospects from Southern California, struggles in the PAC-12. b.) curious mascot of a team that people in Western Colorado hope will do well even though most resent the goings on in Boulder.

Cannibal – in Lake City aka Alferd Packer, the man who allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County in 1874. History tells it that the tragedy was a result of desperation near Slumgullion Pass but it just as well could have resulted from Packer’s sticker shock at the price of Western Slope groceries.

DOW – The Division of Wildlife. Custodians of our furry friends. You can tell one of these from the bears because they wear baseball caps. Even though they may spend a good portion of the day out in the woods they still have a behind-the-desk approach. These people actually believe public land is better under federal protection. See Logging and the USFS.

Extemporaneous corruption – a.) when cheating laps itself b.) crooked but never late for church c. You know, like when a fire just up and starts itself. d) immoral profits generated by artificial intelligence.

Flatlanders – People who live at lower elevation and visit Colorado to buy a second home thus driving real estate prices through the ceiling. People who video cam mountains even though the latter don’t generally provide movement of any kind.

Guns – What many people in Western Colorado stockpile thinking it will hold off federal helicopters, bears or an angry neighbor.

This photo was taken along the coast of Maine but it could just as well have been snapped in Western Colorado.

Hemp – After a well educated electorate, what the feds fear the most, for no clear reason. A universal fabric that could save many natural resources by application. Could make pharmacies extinct. Rope perfect for hangings.

Indian – a.) Feathered character often called savage by the enlightened manifest destiny folks of 19th Century b.) natives of India. c.) persons providing target practice for drugstore cowpokes on Saturday morning TV in the 50s. Preferably called “First People.”

Jackass – a.) a useful, yet stubborn, methodical, cantankerous pack animal  b.) Person who exhibits a similar behavior to the animal minus the ability to carry his own weight.

Kryptonite – The mineral common to Red Lady Mountain in Crested Butte. Used in the production of mountain bikes, the rare ingredient is the treasure to be mined by the evil monster, Molybdenum.

Lynx – a relative of the bobcat this beautiful wild animal had been hunted to near extinction due to its practice of killing and eating ugly sheep and chickens. Now surviving quite well in the Rockies. See The Missing Lynx..

Mariachi – a.) a type of music originating from Spain, then perfected in Jalisco, Mexico. b.) the type of music often generated from low riders (See Espanola) c.) the kind of music the late sportsman Botsie Spritzer played in his fishing wagon when he couldn’t find his polka tapes.

Naked – a.) How one comes into this world and, unless tampered with by an obsessive valet of sorts, how one will g out. b.) the sinful and immoral display of the human body without the benefit of clothing c.) how mountain lions go to work each day.

Ohio – a.) a place where a lot of early Gunnison County pioneers came from as evidenced by the presence of Ohio Creek, Ohio Pass, Ohio City on local maps. b.) a reasonably good place to be from. c.) in a spelling bee the easiest challenge compared to Allegheny and Monongahela.

Pea Green – a.) the fiscal and religious center of the American Dream, located near Hoover’s Corner. b.) a medical disorder common to sailors attempting to ward off the scurvy by consuming a gross quantity of limes.

Quartsite – a.) a 19th century mining town/district claiming 10,000 residents at its height (prior to cable TV). b.) a lot on which to build a Quarthouse. c.) a fictitious tent city Shangri-La created by the Colorado Historical Society to lure summer tourists into the state.

Railroad – a.) Once the pride of Western Colorado now all but gone from the landscape. Clear thinking residents agree that reconstruction would solve a host of mass transportation problems, alleviate road maintenance costs and decrease drunk driving infractions. b.) the preferred mode of subsidized transportation in most civilized nations.

Slow Elk – a.) a bovine, something easy to shoot at. b.) a pasture potato that resembles cattle. Lunch.

Tree – gourmet treats (pine) for beetles due to global warming.

Uncompahgre – a.) the most mispronounced word (by visitors) until Saguache was invented in 1877. b.) a bastardization of what Tonto called the Lone Ranger. A valley made from a river of the same name.

Venison – a rude and insensitive term for deer no longer on-the-hoof.

Water – a.) traditionally the major issue to residents on the west side of the Maginot Line (Continental Divide). Newcomers seem to think that it just runs through the faucet while Front Range interests think its something infinite with which to flush their state-of-the-art toilets b.) that wet stuff in lakes and rivers. c.) a clear, colorless, nearly odorless and tasteless liquid unless one seeks a drink from an urban water supply wherein it often becomes a putrid bit of murky semi-refreshment. d.) proverbially the stuff that one can lead a horse to but often fails to make the animal drink.

Xylophone – a musical instrument not common to polka or bluegrass music. b.? Better than relying on Xerxes or Xerox to get to the next letter in this stupid literary rendering. c.) An easy one if this article were in Chinese.

Yampa – a.) a Northern Ute band who didn’t take kindly to preachers plowing up local race tracks and introducing farming. Joseph Meeker’s short term clients. b.) a major landmark in downtown Sunbeam, Colorado.

Zero – a.) the temperature in Fahrenheit when the dog’s vodka freezes in his bowl. b.) the offensive output of the Bronco offense so far in 2018  c.) what is leftover when one subtracts nothing from nothing.

– Melvin O’Toole

Border Collie Marks Bronco Victories

(Gunnison) Bingo, a six-year-old border collie may be instrumental in Bronco wins. Over the past 4 years he has only missed two televised games…both were losses for the orange and blue.

Bingo gets it together moments before kickoff

He is no flash in the pan.

“15 minutes prior to kickoff he starts barking at the TV,” says owner Marvin Marmot or Antelope Hills.

According to Marmot the gifted animals doesn’t have the patience to watch the tail end of other games and often growls at those fans. During commercials he leaves the room. Even though he cannot use the clicker he guards it so no one can change the channel.

Then at kickoff of the Denver game he is in a canine trance watching intently in his Bronco bed with his Bronco dish full and Bronco leash at the door. He even wears an official cap and number 58 jacket for away games. He even arranged to give a Bronco stadium blanket to the household cat.

When the game has been decided (won) Bingo looks away from the screen, drops his ears and calmly walks to the door to be let out. Just another day in Bronco Collie Land.

Say what you like but Team is 39 – 0 when Bingo watches. The two games he missed were shabby losses to the Eagles and the Steelers during mandatory sheep dog trials.

In other sports, Senate Democrats say Supreme Quart nominee Brett Kavanaugh allowed Trump to win at golf over 20 times since January of 2017. He then lied about it, they say.

– Suzie Compost