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Council drags heels on hooker restrictions

(Knuckles County) Despite the urgings of established citizen clusters, civil liberties factions, night owls, early risers, bar flies and congregations the Mañana town Council has yet to make a decision on street walkers.

The illicit behavior, in the crosshairs since money for sex became illegal here in 1944, has always been brushed aside by deniers, while remaining a whisper by patrons. Now lawmakers must decide whether to tolerate this kind of behavior within town limits.

Fathers and mothers don’t talk about that kind of thing but that doesn’t make it go away. Local interest is constant with activity increasing with booms and yet holding its own during recessions.

“The burr in my saddle is that despite the presence of this questionable industry in our midst we get no revenue,” said Mayor Julie Pettifogger. I’d like to see the matter settled one way or the other with the benefit of street walker taxes or registration fees so as to improve the town coffer.”

Scores of citizens favor outlawing hookers but admit that that has never worked before. Numerous others say legislating morality won’t remove the situation in that demand dictates market practices even in this shady commerce.

“We will continue our vigil and do nothing,” said the mayor. “A new council will be seated in 2020. Maybe they can make headway. Meanwhile so many others sell themselves for money without taking off their clothes. Hypocrisy reigns.”

In other news:

The much-lambasted Colona curfew, lifted after 40 years this month, allows the Colonese the right to walk around after dark. Although traffic is immeasurable at present, town fathers and mothers project a surge in pedestrian behavior. Many strollers, however, remain hesitant to test their new freedoms.

A strong cross-section of those interviewed said they liked the curfew while others found it unreasonably restrictive in that it does not curtail the movement of wild animals allegedly living in the forests and mesas nearby.

– Melvin O’Toole

Broncos make curtain call with one quarterback

The Denver Broncos will begin the 2018 season with just one quarterback on the roster. Traditionally teams save one or two spots for backups at that position. Sources all over the league questioned the decision.

The move, however, allows the National Football League club to carry two extra cheerleaders.

The Denver Broncos will play with one quarterback on the roster so as to add two cheerleaders to that squad.

Quarterbacks are particularly vulnerable due to injuries suffered while engaged at the often-precarious role of play caller/field marshal. The one-man action was seen as reckless and risky at best according to local sports personalities.

“The expansion of the cheerleading and drill team should never take precedence over a strong, flowing offense or special teams,” said a former Bronco coach, who once banned women from football practices. “I feel differently today. I have nothing against a woman on the field in a short skirt just so long as she can fill in at outside linebacker.”

No one could confirm any link to the pre-season developments even as two former backups now line up with the practice squad. The two cheerleaders are undrafted free agents who impressed in camp, not waiver bait or throw-aways from other teams according to persons who have no idea what they are talking about.

“Things could easily change during the long season,” said the former coach, “but with the strict salary cap imposed by the NFL the Broncos could still end up on the short end when it comes to field crews, tackling dummies and Gatorade humpers.”

– Tommy Middlefinger


Hedge Funds in Northeastern Appalachians, circa 2018

(Pee Wee, West Virginia) A massive hedge fund is moving toward Pennsylvania this morning, swallowing up everything in its path. Leaving a wake of devastated flora and fauna as well as smoldering forests, the growing hedge fund is expected to engulf the Delaware Water Gap by nightfall. After that the Cranberry Bogs of Roscarberry are at risk.

Seismologists here detected an ominous tectonic plate shift as far away as Trout Run back in May but were instructed to keep the information top secret until the gov’ment could establish half-truths and potential alibis as to its role in the certain disaster.

Spreading its gooey, quicksand muck across an already desperate landscape the high-risk assailant is living on borrowed time. However, after three weeks it has not slowed its demonic, methodical march to the Ohio Valley and beyond.

Victims of roving hedge funds await rescue near Hershey

Even classic survivors like rats and roaches have met their maker moments after the deluge covered everything in slime and hedge silt. There is no antidote for the horrid reality of succumbing to the sludge. As insane as it may sound, surfers have congregated near the source of the hedge fund hoping to catch a wave like no other since the dawn of

(For more turn to Wall Street In Chains on Soft News)

In Other News: 67% of Americans void of lifestyle says Census Bureau.


(Washington) The newly organized Agency for Sensitivity and Compassion has released guidelines for putting former students to work picking agricultural products this fall. The far-reaching program will kick off with the closure of all schools and focus on the needs of corporate farms.

Later in the fall privately held farms would qualify to begin employing the youthful labor force to pick everything from apples to cotton. A preliminary plan to shutter all but a few centers of learning has gained a House nod with several related bills pending in the Senate.

Child pickers harvest soy beans in lieu of knowledge according to the New Order instituted by Department of Education.

“It’s called redirecting resources,” said one of the architects of the plan whose children attend private, elite institutions that are exempt from what critics call “lockdowns”. Restricting the majority of children from the classroom was explained by the White House as “for their own good since they are not learning the right things anyway.”

It was not clear if parochial schools would be affected although persons familiar with these developments say it will depend of loyalty and support of these policies across the board. These bodies could be eligible for special treatment if they denounce other less desirable groups, as they have often done throughout history.

“This is the final phase of the dumbing of America,” say many teachers. “Manpower shortages because of cruel, impotent and incompetent immigration laws are resolved by putting students in the field to insure the continued profits of corporate farms.

“Our schools need to educate and graduate people who can think,” said one retired teacher, “and who will uphold our Democratic beliefs. That has not been happening. Just look at the Congress. Legislation by dollars. We elected them.”

Supporters of the move counter by insisting that no real learning is going on anyway and that it is high time for “these pampered brats to come to the aid of corporate America for the benefit of all Americans.”

Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos chimed in her support for the changes, reassuring “our base bases that the Big Guy was always watching and had their best interests at heart.

“There comes a time when we must chose: Melons & pumpkins or history & math? We like to call it sweat equity for the future. Soon they will all have Green Cards so we can identify bad apples and curtail the movements of insurgent groups.”

Most of the labor force will come from the Blue States who did not support the GOP ticket in 2016 but those ranks will remain open to include the children of persons who voted for Trump in 2016. The offspring of Republican honchos and donors will remain in school so as to graduate and run the country in the future.

– K. Sera Huckleberry


Ready to go on a real toot?…Try a quart of your favorite cheap mixer and a couple of Aqua Velva miniatures. Wow! What a buzz! Desperate times call for desperate measures so why not measure a healthy shot of Aqua Velva and go to the races inside your living room or outside on the porch. Invite the neighbors. You can afford it! Available where fine colognes are sold.


Coors Field Files Restraining Order on Rox Relief Pitchers

(Denver) Coors Field, and The City and County of Denver have reportedly filed a protective order against roster relief pitchers* Jake McGee, Bryan Shaw and Scott Oberg as well as Mike Dunn and Chris Rusin who are currently on the Disabled List.

According to pieces of the documentation released by the baseball club today the action comes after “repeated failures on the diamond where fans and significant others were harassed, deflated and disappointed by the performances of those mentioned in a cease abuse provision. Furthermore all five have been accused of impersonating a relief pitcher, a misdemeanor, and making fans physically and emotionally ill, a felony.

The salaries paid to these misfits, while immoral on their own terms, were not a consideration in the court filing.

“We just don’t want them in the bullpen or the dugout or on the property,” said a spokesperson for the Rockies who added that the city is taking steps to have them deported to Arizona.

Usually reserved for domestic violence, stalking or sexual assault, the restraining order prohibits communication with team members and the press. Failure to comply could result in arrest.

“Yes, the burden of proof in Colorado rests on the accused,” said the spokesperson. “We have 40,000 witnesses in the stands who welcome the proceedings.”

– Atila Diggins

* It is likely Wade Davis will be added to this shameful crew after his horrid performance against the Cardinals today.

Iran’s Claim to be Persia Called Hogwash

(Indianapolis) Vice President Mike Pence said today that Iran is not and has never been Persia. The provocation is the latest exchange between the two pseudo-republics who are at odds over Syria. He called the assertion hogwash, a common term for denial in the Great Midwest.

“Israel could have once been Persia or maybe even Babylon but Iran has always been dry, rocky theocratic Iran,” explained Pence anxiously attempting to locate the two countries on a map of the Greater Mideast.

“That’s like saying the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers were there before the Mississippi or The 500 or that Mesopotamia taught sex education in the schools.”

“My Persian rug comes from Wal-Mart not Iran,” he coughed.

“Iran is not Persia, I say it again,” squawked the Hoosier crusader. “The place is teeming with pagans. Persia was never like that. This is just another ploy to give credibility to evil doings in the Persian Gulf. Its like saying Cairo is in Egypt when everyone knows it’s in Georgia.”

-Mohammed Mosaddegh

“God created war so Americans could learn geography”

– Mark Twain