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Warning to all local bear

Please…if you insist on prowling our golf course at night looking for scraps STAY OFF THE GREENS. There is plenty of rough on which to roam. There is no food on the greens! It is all in the handy dumpsters near the restaurant. Do not bother the golfers. They do not have anything for you either. We are tired of cleaning up after you. The season is short and a little cooperation goes a long way. If you do not comply with what we fell are reasonable requests you will not be invited back next year!

  Deer Creek Golf Course Management, Cedaredge, Colorado

An ancient flower grows…

Uncompahgre To Run South in November

(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the Department of the Inferior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river, have petitioned for the project since 2007.

The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until at least early November.

“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this place existed. It’s really nice here but where do people go shopping?”


The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.

“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful river water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors TV commercials.”

– Uncle Pahgre

Intuition anyone?

Thanks to Jeff Brown

Unearthed parchment could be God’s Joke Book

(King Hezekiah RV Park, Israel) Archeologists and theological historians here think they’ve stumbled onto a double-edged fortune, at least in a Biblical sense. Digging near Tel Be’er Sheva, a team of seven prominent anthropologists has unearthed a stunning prize that they say is the legendary Joke Book of Jehovah or God’s Joke Book.

Many diverse groups who may be a bit premature depending on the book’s actual content have called the discovery a sign and a blessing.

Dr Oxford Cambridge

“We all read the Old Testament and can attest to some rather lewd and seedy episodes that we all of course remember the most vividly, if not fondly,” said Dr. Oxford Cambridge, who has amassed millions hosting a Wednesday evening off-color bible study/bingo revival for a robotic workforce chained to their benches and in need of a good joke.

“If anyone knows jokes it’s me,” said Cambridge. “I have over 7000 in my repertoire, more if you count the one-liners. I have 200 plaid suits, 35 exploding umbrellas and more than 300 squirting lapel boutineers in my dressing room at all times!” he swallowed hard.

“I tell you, this mummified book is the Real McCoy! It covers the Four Basic Joke Groups as professed by Michael the Archangel at Hialeah Park:

Three guys walk into this oasis; Woman gets on a chariot; So my hairdresser says; Mother-in-Law lives above the garage. It’s as clear as the nose on your face!”

Artifacts like this are often hidden away for eons making positive identification that much more difficult for accredited scientists.

God’s Joke Book?

“The passages establish a pattern* of supreme abandonment and disturbing willingness to create and move on,” say those on the ground here. “And at the same time the hand-written laugh log displays a chilling, sophisticated, almost eternal sense of humor. It should be duly noted that the author is particularly rough on Pharisees, Zealots and the religiously intolerant.”

Although at the top of his much publicized Mistake List humans do not warrant much respect as far as the pecking order of godly. They appear to be the often-subtle butt of all cosmic criticism and demand less and less restraint. An occasional earthquake or hurricane keeps them guessing. “They couldn’t boil water had I not sent them fire.” an out-of-context punch line identified as same from God’s Joke Book?

*Strong references to with Vaudeville, Burlesque and Slapstick lends credence to claims that God could be at least part Jewish, which does not break with any of the scant existing dogma on the subject.
**How can God tell so many jokes about mother in laws when he has never had one?
***Not exactly the constant gardener, not the doting father figure or even a standout babysitter, God may have turned off his listening device before most of us are out of bed in the morning.

 

 

 

TOWN BUYS CYBER SPACE

Parking Should Improve Almost Overnight

(Crested Butte) Town fathers and mothers have reportedly purchase some 3,000 bites of cyberspace which will be turned into parking spaces by winter. According to the architects of the acquisition the space was cheap, compared to current real estate market appraisals.

“It’s a lot like mineral rights and dog poop under the snow,” said one proponent of the plan. “We all know what’s under there but it takes a cosmic reintroduction to create the desired results.”
When completed, the cyberspace will accommodate roughly 3,000 vehicles and generate an estimated $25,000 per day in additional parking fines for the town.

“Those funds will be kept under the bed and then used to buy more cyberspace in the future,” said one conceptual engineer. “We don’t want to be another anything. We just want to find a place to park before the end of the century.”

In addition to alleviating a major traffic problem the move could create 100 new jobs for valet cyberspace parking attendants and some 25 security personnel who will check “lift tickets” displayed by motorists.

“The benefits of additional space should be quite noticeable at peak times of the season such as festival weekends and the day the food stamps arrive in town.

– Rocky Flats