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(Gunnison) The late Sam Walton, illustrious founder of Wal-Mart, has been seen by several shoppers in the parking lot here. Local police, charged with investigating the possible appearances, have found nothing to suggest that the deceased entrepreneur is back in Gunnison.

“We combed the area searching for any indication that these sightings were valid,” said one officer. “All we found was a lot of chewing gum stuck to the asphalt, a few disoriented bargain hunters and some discarded shopping lists.”

Meanwhile, the climate remains one of desperate procurement with blue light specials and low, low prices strewn over a three thousand mile front.

In nearby Montrose, Walton is said to have attended a breakfast meeting to discuss the reconstruction of that store, located south of town. The facility was burned to the ground Friday when a ditch fire, encouraged by high winds, transformed the former showcase to mindless consumerism into nothing but ashes.

An irresponsible chicken rancher, Melvin Toole, 106, of 448822991166 Road has been charged with stupidity, leaving the scene of a fire, burning without a hazardous waste permit, driving while intoxicated and chronic burnout. The previously paroled palavering  pyromaniac is currently out on bail, and his flame throwing device has been confiscated by police.

Another alleged Walton sighting took place near Almont, where an elderly man was said to have dropped out of the sky and into the full view of some 20 fishermen assembled along the banks of the Taylor River. One of the witnesses told authorities that the strange visitor attempted to sell him a gross of American flags made in Taiwan.

-Uncle Pahgre

When starting up your computer always remember to check the engine block and oil level on your dipstick. If spam is present be sure to rev the engine slightly and put it slowly into low gear. That way diesel and gasoline residue will not mar the screen or block plug-ins later in the afternoon. Keeping windshields free of malware will help avoid crashes as will alleviating stress during hard drive activities. A little prevention goes a long way. Always remember: You are a pre-existing condition. Happy motoring.

Man Beaten in Handicapped Space

(Shangri-La Village) An elderly man was hospitalized early this morning after illegally parking in a space reserved for the handicapped. The incident took place outside of Onfre’s Gumbo Shack on Highway 1, better known as Celebrity Way.

According to eyewitnesses, a man identified as Ronald “Rev. Bob” Schlitz of Silverton, in an effort to avoid inclement weather, parked in the most convenient space available, before wandering in for two whole-wheat pancakes and a glass of pomegranate juice, his daily routine.

He later claimed that due to poor visibility he did not record the infraction or was in any way aware of his unlawful behavior.

Moments after leaving his car he was, according to the same witnesses, accosted by three angry men, one in a state-of-the-art wheel chair. The other two boasted such battle trophies as am eye patch, and a large blackthorn cane. The trio reportedly struck Schlitz several times, knocking him to the pavement. Later they kicked the man breaking his glasses, his arm and tearing his London Fog raincoat.

And if that wasn’t enough, they encouraged passersby to join in the fracas by retelling the story of Schlitz’s shameful deed. Moments before police arrived on the scene one man drove over the victim in his golf cart, warning Schlitz that “The parking space is exclusively for the handicapped!”

Schlitz was ticketed for parking in a restricted priority zone and is currently resting at St Roscoe’s Hospital at Pea Green.

According to doctors, he is expected to be released within a few days. Due to injuries received in the incident he is now classified as legally blind and 70% disabled, a status that will entitle him to park his car in spaces reserved for the handicapped in the future.

– Dag Katz

Pompeii residents no beauties

The male and female residents of Pompeii were actually uglier than imagined, according to bones recently unearthed from the ruins of the city buried in A.D. 79 by a volcanic eruption of Mount Vesuvius. For centuries the legend existed that the people, especially the women of Pompeii, were classical beauties.

“Hey, why is everyone making such a big deal out of a bunch of bones?” asked Dr. Melvin Toolini of the Italian-American Protection League. “Consider for a moment,” stressed Toolini, “that these primitive people had no sun screen and no skin conditioners. Add to that the fact that they had just been covered up by scalding lava, accompanied by all sorts of rock and other debris. Do you know what that can do to one’s complexion alone?”

Toolini went on to point out that after all this abuse the victims laid around underground for almost 2,000 years.

“What did my colleagues hope to find,” quizzed Toolini, gesturing to a mob of anthropologists assembled at the main digs, “the ultimate prom queen?”

Toolini has published an extended study that suggests that anyone who had undergone such a trauma would look like hell by now, but that despite their state of decomposition still might look good to out-of-state hunters at closing time.

“Ain’t no man can avoid being born average but ain’t no man gotta be common.”

– Satchel Paige


Accepted Formula for one’s chances of being hit by bird shit at 8,000 feet. (pajaro de negro malo lo arrojar).   

X – Y (ab+cd) = 41.7 @ka+ka x # foliage…{thinner air/@ cloud cover} x2Q = xy-/wind > vindictiveness/ per cubic foot. Sunlight available for targeting – Wind velocity + relative moisture = tropical inversion quotient.

Keep Moving + Under awning/strawhat [6 + 5 + 4] x square root of feathers and wings = plop/snowy white on my shoulder x {3<4.^ = 65.7} x water content + intent.

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Punch lines of popular jokes

1. No. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.

2. How about taking that dog for a walk.

3. Shhhhhh. I’m waiting for him to land,

4. I wish all my friends were back.

5. You gotta put it in the front.

6. But do they call me Macgregor the Castle Builder? No!

Can you share the meat of the following jokes with us? Please include beginning, middle and semi-ending leading up to these punch lines. Win a herd of sheep or they could win you.

“Let them eat fake.”- Donald Antoinette

No Answers on Mass Destruction of Trump Properties

(Seoul) After the flattening of at least four gala Trump properties across the globe authorities are still combing ground zero sites searching for answers in the rubble. On the heels of these odd climate muggings, trusted weather experts now tell us that these environmental mutilations have been joined by three others: One in Mumbai (heat wave, drought, landslides): one in New Jersey (earthquake) and one here in Seoul, South Korea (volcanic eruption).

Here, like the other obliterations, the outbursts and rage limited their reach to the acreage and possessions of the Trump empire. No nearby buildings or facilities were touched. Magnetic fields, instinctive blowback or very bad karma are now in the limelight as the often-turbulent investigation continues. Rumors circulating the White House suggest that the president will fire his entire Cabinet in response to these dreadful occurrences.