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Long Nights Astrograph

(General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer, cosmic peasant and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very existence. We are not at all sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by these brave evaluations.)

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Watch out for Libras, Pisceans, Aquariums and other Capricorns and never trust the rest of them. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club or lead pipe instead to reach empty space between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart and soul. Pay attention to your body. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look encouraging for Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative will make you the sad exception. Don’t take any crap off loved ones. Helping friends can become a tedious commitment. Tonight: Cows in the barn.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)

Attempts to expand your knowledge are certain to net success, considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is slowly moving in reverse and headed for that new Dodge pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus or Mars will be devoted at least until the cash runs out. Money spent on the utterly trivial allows welcome relief from bothersome debt priorities. Don’t get ruffled. Tonight: Develop a foolproof opinion on gay marriage, illegal aliens, democratically inspired political torture and the expansion of nuclear weaponry.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)

Devoting one’s time to material gratification means you should have more than the next person. Don’t get fresh with kick boxers. Spawning was last month. This month is snagging season. Wouldn’t you like to spend the winter with the other frozen foods? It’s impossible to go with the flow on the end of a hook. Garner advantages. Those fins look damned industrial. Examine your inner charm: You are always clean you rarely drool. Avoid predictable feeding habits. Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. It’s all genetic. Tonight: Skip the chips.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper hip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but only if you make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. Sensual jogging is great for some but be careful not to pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is all right if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Damn the torpedoes especially the one headed for your starboard side. Tonight: Roughing the kicker is only a five yard penalty in Canada.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Early indications are that golden opportunities have passed you by.  What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Look before you leap but never through rose-colored glasses. Buying people off could be better than putting them on for size. An old lover will hit you with his or her cane by mid-morning. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of kibble. Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are summer concoctions and really should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Congregational strolls with a handgun.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

It’s far too late to gain over-achiever status for 2019. Embrace adverbs under the mistletoe but keep your dangling participles out of the plumb pudding. Flapping tongues lead to curious rashes through the 15th.  Sleeping in your car will not validate dreams of travel. Try letting the air out of your ego. It’s tough to maintain eye contact while plucking one’s eyebrows. Look both ways before crossing your vortex. Keep a bullish eye on the market for sales on ground beef. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Tonight: Too many political prisoners spoil the stew.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken is a much easier approach to the demands of general maintenance. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are far better. Your intrinsic stoned age instincts are in full swing this week. Hunt and gather till you puke. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of Icelandic rap music.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Assignments that are difficult in the beginning should be left till the end. Maybe they will just go away. One-on-one relationships could spell double trouble unless someone else does the math. Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for an aircraft carrier. Read all pine frint carefully. Fill your dance card for the winter before the band breaks a string. Tonight: A suave, sophisticated fish wants to get his fins on you.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. The only option is to turn up the bass, and the salmon too? Let us know what happens. You’ve got to learn to think on a different plane but get to the airport early to assure a window seat. Homeland security officials are still looking for their butts in a windstorm. Watch out that they don’t grab yours. Resolve consumer inefficiencies. Change is important…Look there’s a dime on the ground! Tonight: Panhandle at the mall.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)

Lighting a fire under someone is only an expression. Republican neighbors will invite you to dinner. What could they possibly be having? Ambition is better left to the motivated. Time-sharing your emotions will prove to be a very poor investment. Keep things penned up until spring. Evaluate all unwanted bowl movements early in the day then go back to bed. How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Be tolerant of the frustrations that you bring out in others. Running around the end could leave you with terrible field position later in life. Tonight: A surprise punt on third down will fool only the slower cheerleaders.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Your keen imagination creates worthless fairy tale delusions in the face of bad Japanese horror films. Snow White vs. Godzilla? Don’t expect much tail wagging in a dog-eat-dog world. Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. That bad singing voice and little tequila will come back to sting you. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your brain. Try a little sex appeal or at least brush your teeth. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Time spent under a flat rock can be beneficial. Tonight: Call your sister in Cleveland.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

The stress of Christmas and New Year’s are finally over and now the pressure is on for Ground Hog’s Day. When will it all stop? You know very well that it will stop and that frightens you too. Get used to “not going anywhere”. Embrace it. Travel plans could be interrupted by coal trains. Integrate with the front gate, lawn furniture or pieces of the fence. If you stay indoors you won’t need sunscreen. You are more adept than a pack rat but more inept than a church mouse. In the game of life stay with the picture cards. Tonight: Is guilt trips hyphenated?


Here is our quintessential inventory of the more innovative gift ideas for Christmas this year. American made Yuletide alms that, while not always tasteful, are affordable at least on the Black Market or from the foul-mouthed troll down under the bridge. Plunge ahead through mounds of sugar plumb diversions and stocking stunners that might just jingle someone’s bells. Remember: All live items require proof of inoculation and may involve lengthy quarantine procedures.

Our suggestions…

BILLY BOB’S Y’ALL LOG – Embrace the Panhandle Look this Christmas with the Free Burning Y’All Log from Alaskan Wilderness Explorers. Never be dependent on foreign or domestic firewood again. Natural gas, bark included, cream cleaned upon installation. Compatible with window air conditioning units made prior to 1960. Perfect for those visitors from the South, deep or otherwise. Caution: Contains wood fly-products. Self-lighting, odor-free, simulated flame. $235.99 with one-year warranty. Available at Ridgway Hardware.

PILTDOWN COMFORTER – Chase away winter’s chill with overstuffed chunks of Piltdown fabric from Eoanthropus Brothers of Pireus. Contains actual skull fragments, grizzle and cloning scraps from the laboratory floor. Seems to be fire-proof too. And the best news is that this chemically induced product will survive everything from baby’s next accident to a full-fledged nuclear engagement. Only $145. Test drive one today at Roll Me Over I Think I’m Done Boutique or any local parachute dealer

RIDE-EASY WIRELESS DUI MACHINE – Do you know someone still stupid enough to drink and drive? Why let them waste precious holiday shopping moments on roadside tests and backward alphabets? It’s cold out there along the side of the highway. Have you been drinking? Of course not! It’s the holidays.  Everyone should be ready when the next officer comes to call. Complete digital response, activated charcoal-clip friendly. Never overheats except in the summer. Comes in single malt or blended. Not recommended for dirt bikes. Watch one work at all Highway Patrol Auto Parts Stores and all local jails.

HIBERNATION HELPER – Know a recluse who won’t even leave the house even to buy a lottery ticket or take out the trash? Give them a case of this stuff and they might not even leave the bathroom. Mixed powder substitute with chrome-glaze finish. Pretty colored bag that’s almost impossible to open thanks to tamper-proof defoliant. Vegetable-free with estimated shelf life of a little over a decade. Odorless cord on industrial alarm may frighten children but makes this an easy gift to keep wrapped till the end. All you add is a layer of stored body fat and a pinch of fur. Individual packets insure privacy. Available at all Solar Foods and at Life Preserves at the Sprawl.

POCKET TABLE SAW – Perfect for the carpenter on the move. How many times have you heard them say, “Boy, if I just had a table saw…” Now the excuses are over. Folds up to 3 square inches for practical use. Metric sensitive. Inflatable for nautical application. Safe for use with most lumber products due to attachable fuel injection pump. Sucks up its own sawdust for a tidy exit. Dominant eye goggles not included. $500 w/ tiny matchbook case and file. Waferboard Paradise.

LOUIS XIV HEAD TRELLIS – Just like the one the silly French king wore to the guillotine. Let them say “I have delusions of grandeur” with one of these hanging off their throne. One size fits all. 100% organic, living material that blends with the scalp to create that peruke look for holiday parties. Compatible with all airline security systems and most cowboy hats. Shampoo lubricant and body hair nuclear steam iron sold separately. No shed guarantee pending. Only $75 at Wigs and Figs. Cart ride and basket extra.

SUNNY MORNING BREAKFAST WINE SAMPLER – Lots of delicious vintages for holiday chill-outs. Remind them that breakfast is indeed the most important meal of the day. Arrives by third-class mail in a phony goatskin in draped holly substitute. Find the right wine for each of your favorite breakfast meats. The December selection features a slim, irritating burgundy that is a sleazy remedy when served on a stick with fried baloney and cornmeal mush. Other holiday drinking ideas spelled out on the side of the case. $19.95 for holiday assortment. December collection available exclusively at liquor stores everywhere.

THE WINDSURFER MATTRESS – It’s hard to believe that Western man has survived so long without this technology and the concept is so simple. For added security outside the home this fully lined anti-inflammatory floatation disc is almost invisible in or out of the water. And if this isn’t enough its uni-sex, pet safe and washable. Buy early as we project that they’ll be out of stock quickly. $800 – $1600 at Sleep and Booty or check us out on the web at www.ed’

RUBBER CHICKEN WINDOW DRESSING – Just like going to Chinatown without the mess. This was my favorite gift from last year and it’s still up! Looks great next to the Christmas lights. Smaller version for the tree or mantle. Almost the right last minute gift. Not appropriate for pets. Comes plucked or au natural. Great to take camping, through X-ray machines or prop up in the rear window of your car. And rest assured the manufacturer has been in business since the Ming Dynasty. Lord and War Lord’s, Gooey’s and Victoria’s Rubber Chickens. Under $10 new.

CLOSE RANGE ASSAULT POTATO LAUNCHER – So many uses its senseless to discuss. Just like the ones given to the Northern Alliance/Taliban in Afghanistan by the CIA back in 1982. Comes with frontal target fetish, ammo plunger, assortment of fuses and flare packages. Capable of neutralizing small Japanese cars. Can be camouflaged to look like an everyday cucumber case. These are not toys and will not be sold to minors without someone’s consent. $2000 with chrome beadwork. Slightly less when you use your Salivation Army card. Potatoes…They’re not just for vodka anymore.

LIMITED EDITION THIRD REICH SWISS ARMY KNIFE – Recently released technology has made these keepsakes available once again for another holiday season. Signature red handle hides the true intentions within. Rational accessory to any venture whether fiscal or utilitarian. Comes with over 40 combinations. Perfect for the history head or someone who likes salami. From Location Is Everything Cutlery at fine stores around you.

College Football Hyphenated League Standings

wins and losses

Reuters-Newark 12 2

Harley-Davidson 11 5

Texas-El Paso 11 8

Rose-Hulman 10 10

Wisconsin-Oshkosh 10 10

   Tenn.-Martin 1012

Duckbill-Sterno 9 11

Missouri-Volvo 7 15

Culver-Stockton 5 15

Carson-Newman 5 15

Lenoir-Rhyne 1 12

Late scores: Ezra Brooks 21, Fahrts 14; Upper Mississippi Chiropractic 12, Whatsamatta U. 0; Simon Fraser 41, University of Downtown Delta 3; Hooterville 21, Bo Diddley 20; Ophir Barber College 28, Evelyn Wood 6; Samoa Teachers 35, Tarkio 21.

Ridgway Implements 5 mph Speed Limit

The Town of Ridgway will begin enforcing a 5-mile per hour speed limit from the hours of 4 pm to 7 pm on weekdays according to unconfirmed sources outside the post office.

Responding to safety and quality of life concerns the town council voted unanimously in favor of the measure. The area affected runs from the bottom of Ridgway Hill to the river along Highway 62. Although most residents favor the crackdown some are concerned that the decree is far too restrictive.

No one could have imagined it just a few short years ago. An almost endless line of traffic streaming down Highway 62 through Ridgway. Snarls and snarling motorists on their way home from work. Most driving the daily rounder from Montrose to Telluride in response to a shortage of motivated labor and higher wages promised in the high country.

With more cars come more problems. Years ago a traffic light was erected, then came a new bridge structure along with a slew of turn lanes. More cops have been added to the payroll. Highway 550 has been patched like the a flower sack dress.

“It was either the speed limit or a by-pass over Log Hill or Dallas Creek,” said one council member. “Right now the state bosses and the DOT are telling us that we are no longer in compliance with Colorado law since nobody else has a five mile per hour restriction. Maybe if we just ignore them they will go away.”

One faction suggests issuing summonses to any state highway official who drives through town. Radical elements within and without the government say they will construct speed bumps if the situation is not brought to heel.

“We’re the ones who have to endure the traffic, the noise. What do we get out of it?” said another resident who claims to have waited up to 20 minutes to get from the grocery to the park. “And that was in the crosswalk,” she added.

The speed limit will apply to all vehicles, bikes, horses and even tractors. It is hoped that the ordinance will dissuade motorists from using the current route and encourage them to drive home through Gateway.

– Small Mouth Bess


So far so good...

So far so good…

It’s Thanksgiving Day and I still have my head. Better keep a low profile until at least dark.

China corta pies de pollo

(San Francisco) China suspenderá todas las exportaciones de patas de pollo hasta la primavera que se anunció esta mañana. A pesar de un intercambio aparentemente cordial durante la visita programada del presidente Trump allí, los comentaristas fiscales temen lo peor.

“Debe haber hecho algo para enojarlos”, dijo un analista de color de FOX News.

 “Se puso duro detrás de escena para un cambio y obligó a China a regular el déficit comercial”, dijo un presentador de noticias en la Radio Pública Nacional.

En un tedioso intercambio, combinando el orden social Pol Potesque con un menú de trastornos de la personalidad maquiavélica del siglo XVI, China acordó aceptar 3 megatones de basura de campaña de los Estados Unidos si la Administración Trump simplemente se sentará a una cumbre de kimches en Pyongyang.

La Casa Blanca, que, según los informes, ha negado ya haber preguntado qué plato puede aportar a las conversaciones, ha prometido una decisión sobre este nuevo desarrollo para el fin de semana.

Los chinos prefieren usar basura de campaña, escrita en inglés, en sus pequeños hornos que producen miles de millones de objetos de plástico no esenciales para la exportación.

“Solo queremos nueva propaganda. No queremos que los trabajadores merodeen leyendo sobre Walter Mondale o Bob Dole cuando se supone que están haciendo plástico “, dijo un supervisor de la fábrica a través de un intérprete. –

Ripple Van Winkle