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Make big money and travel to exotic places as a proofreader for hotshot journalists all over the world. Do you have the talent and drive to claim one of these fast paced positions? Can you spell and manipulate a digital camera? Can you convince potential advertisers that you can be trusted?

Take this simple test and you could win a scholarship to the Big Earl Headwind Gladiator Academy located in Maybell, Colorado. (New facility in Cahone to open in July).

Our staff will quickly determine if you have the ability to a.) write crisp, compelling headlines; b.) proof-read with speed and accuracy c.) operate an ultra-sharp exacto-knife, a light table, scissors (Don’t run with these) and a proportion wheel from the Dark Ages of Journalism. d.) get everyone’s coffee order without typographical error e.) afford this worthwhile course.

What do you have to lose? Sit down and take the test.

Section I – Writing Heads

Rewrite the following headlines for clarity and concision. Note: These are headlines found in reputedly reputable local papers.

1. Snowpack Could Lead To Flooding.

2. Senior Citizens Getting Older Says Government Study.

3. Energizer Wabbit Wounded By Gwouse Hunters.

Take ample time to finish your work. No cheating please. That comes later on the job.

Section II Proof-reading skills

Find as many mistakes as possible in the following passages:

1. Armed with a spanking new set of murals I began to thawr out. Instantly I knowed I could, be brake-dancing the Horizontal, Two-step with any, woman mechanic in, town. instead of inhaling another round of whiskey and sleeping with the billiard rack in the liquor closet.

2. The sky was about as redd as your average cowboy’s knees at the beech in July and near’s cloudy as The cramp cookie’s general atttitude. That’s a sure sign that flatland touristas are zoned in on the vicinity,” spat one cowpuncher as he precariously landed an above average wad in a patch of pickled sagebrush.

3. “It’s sinful enough fer me,” said Clem. “Ether the driver around this parts are getting dumber or everyone in Montrose owns at yeast six vehicles.”

4. My father was an olde Indian fighter while my mother was an old Indian. I myself have taken up a career in real estate.

How many mistakes did you find? The very fact that you would spend time on this exercise is one indication that you might accept less than minimum wage during your six-year training period.. Go on to the next section.

Part III Reading for comprehension

Read the following story and write a 1600 word essay explaining its major components. You have three minutes.

Once upon a time a big bull skunk moved into the shed that housed my daddy’s still. Upon weekend examination daddy determined that he was hosting a family of unwanted guests. He also found that his moonshine had taken on a different taste and was now selling like hotcakes to the large New York perfume companies and all the way to the West Virginia border. Confused, he constructed another shed and a second still apparatus which he planned to rent out to a contingent of whistle pigs on their way to the California Gold Fields.

When you have completed the entire test fold it up (12 x 4) and send it (along with a $35 filing fee) to BEHGA, 126 Big Earl Way West, Maybell, Colorado.

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Baltimore, West Cork Seafront

This mellow little village is the jumping off point for an assortment of beautiful islands off the Southwest Irish coast.

CONGRESS TO UNDRESS E-MAIL ADDICTION

Should social media be classified as a social disease?

(Washington) The situation is worse than imagined. That’s the conclusion of a Congressional sub-committee on the sensitive subject of email addiction.

At press time more and more people are accessing the Internet and with it the ability to send messages on-line. Many are dangerously addicted to the instant gratification that comes from split second electronic chatter. Then they start sending small talk and inconsequential banter over the net.

“The most severely addicted send meaningless drivel to a host of destinations in social media,” said one investigator. “Lots of times they don’t even know with whom they are communicating. They spend countless hours at the computer sending what is in affect junk mail.”

In many instances the lame messages are quickly deleted by the receiver upon recognizing the sender’s name on the in box roster.

“Imagine a woman in Missouri waiting for a new catfish and black-eyed peas recipe from her mother in Louisiana when all of a sudden she gets one of those tedious family Christmas updates on E-Mail,” said one committee member. “It could easily be enough to ruin her appetite for the holidays.”

After the Christmas recess the congress will decide if legislation is necessary to prevent the spread of this disease. According to unconfirmed sources here the law makers agree that such practices are an invasion of privacy but have yet to determine if constant email activity can be treated as a social disease.

“We’d like to find a cure before it’s tool late,” continued the source. “If these people had to go to the trouble of mailing a letter one wouldn’t hear from them in a coon’s age.”

“Technology is terrorism’s most effective ally. It delivers a global audience.”

Jason Burke

IRS TARGETS ALUMINUM CAN COLLECTORS

(Washington) The Internal Revenue Service is concerned with aluminum cans. Actually it is more concerned with the evasive tendencies of those engaged in the gathering of these treasures, saying that the government has not been cut in on the action.

“These criminals are not paying their fair share on the profits generated in this lucrative exchange,” said Otto B. Broke of the IRS. “We only want what’s coming to us.

Broke assured us that his agency had already taken steps to insure that this behavior would cease and that these tax dodgers would be brought to justice. He failed to mention the saving graces of recycling and the advantages of positive garbage management in his epistle. 

“Even if we have to post an agent at every dumpster in every town in America, we will nip this conspiracy in the bud,” he insisted.

A new federal tax form, number ABZ-11998, has been issued and persons who fail to comply with the newest regulations will be penalized. Broke said the country is losing over $600 per aluminum can operation per annum and added that there may be as many as 4 million Americans engaged in this dumpster-diving trade.

“We even had a case where one aluminum enthusiast attempted to write off his shabby clothing as a uniform, declared his cardboard shack to be his office and claimed each individual can as a dependent”, laughed Broke. “The whole thing is mind boggling at best! Don’t these people realize that we need the money to keep the country running smoothly?”

 -Kashmir Horseshoe

Igloos may fall through planning cracks says BOZO

(Elk Avenue) The construction igloos in the town of Crested Butte is on the upswing after a snowy winter and BOZO, Bored of Zoning and Obstructions, has yet to act on “crimes against local architecture.”

“We weren’t ready for this one,” said one board member who asked not to be identified.

Proponents of the temporary expansion say the igloos represent viable affordable housing even when it is seasonal. They add that the structures will most likely be gone by early June.

“This is the local gov’ment’s chance to ignore something and it will go away syndrome which has plagued the upper end of the valley since tourism exploded in the 90s.” said the source.

“We have attempted to put our mark on every building in town but this has escaped our grasp,” quipped the BOZO spokesman. “I wonder if igloos can be painted purple?”

– Melvin O’ Toole

And Snuffy Smith…

Can you sing the lyrics to the song inspired by this man and his horse? Hint: He came before the search engine and after the mustang.