RSSAll Entries in the "Hard News" Category

ROCK SOUP

ROCK SOUP

Needed: Rare adjectives, articles, pronouns and colloquialisms for going newsletter. Cash paid daily. See Mr. White at the Indian Massacre Holiday Inn between 10 am and 2 pm any day but today. Sorry, we are not accepting adverbs. American Word Brokers, Tacoma. No Irishmen.

SOLDIERS NEEDED for invasion of Maryland, Pennsylvania and the North! No experience necessary. Will train. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the Confederacy. Send all correspondence c/o General R.E. Lee, Richmond, VA.

Department store Santas needed for next Christmas. May consider full time employment for right individual. Springs and summers off. Warren’s Coiffures, Wimpton.

Read “I Reached Out For Her and Was Accused of Sexual Harassment” by Joaquin Tool-Guzman, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

It’s simple: Large intestinal publishing house needs people who look like writers to pose for future book covers. Novels, short stories, annual reports…If you’ve ever been told you look like Ernest Hemingway, Langston Hughes, Edith Wharton or even a teenage Ayn Rand call us today then fax us a picture of your forehead and we’ll set up an interview? Why work at Subway or Taco Bell when you can make the big rockets as a literary model! Talk show appearances likely. Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

Help wanted: Rabbi for extended kosher Martian voyage. Box 44, Horseshoe.

Needed: Someone to buy me shots during January and February so as to ward off light seasonal depression. Application deadline December 5. Bilingual septuagenarian with bus tokens. Non smoker. Grass clippings on request. Prefer older lady with marijuana plants and functioning hot tub. Groppo the Elf.

Want to go all the way with a man-child? Herb, Gunnison Monikers.

Blind retired night auditor seeks Tin Lizzie, RV companion for treks into coastal North Dakota. No surfers, No Irish. Must love jig-saw, scrimshaw, in-laws, mushroom soups, crisp bath towels, nights alone on the Sea of Tranquility. Box 399.

SW control freak seeks partner. Wants to have kids next week, prairie doggin OK. LSMFT.

Proof reader needed. Must be able to tango in snow shoes, cook barbecued horse mackerel, bum cigarettes and pretend to iron underwear of night staff while they pretend to work. Could work into winter bath house management position at Mirror Lake.

Death row pen pal seeks full figured woman for bridge partner. My mom says I’m just misunderstood. Ahoy in Anacortes. Oh, yeah…I’m innocent too.

Suburban mountain man/weekend warrior with big ol’ knife seeks squaw to cook and put up tee-pee. Must be naive with braided hair. Bad whiskey, tall tales and jerky dinners by fire light. Mornings poring over buckskin fashions, hallucinations in the afternoons. Slim, Delta.

Drugstore cowboy seeks lover with access to pharmaceuticals. No buckaroos. Possible romance with right prescription. Box 400, Colona Prison Complex.

Born Again proctologist seeks weekend rendezvous with person holding a British passport. No questions asked. I love palm trees, sea breezes, hot salsa and truck driving songs. Heather, Mack. No fems.

Drifter seeks meaningless sexual experiences, light lunches. Could work into long term mundane relationship for the right person.

Could you sell refrigerators to Eskimos? What about coming aboard with us? Mel’s Underwear Tighteners Ltd.. Manufacturer’s Rep needed for Montrose-Delta counties. If you have to start at the bottom start with the right one! Call us today.

MASKED MAN SEEKS submissive Indian companion. Nothing kinky. Must be able to follow orders and shoot straight. Lone Ranger Ranchettes, Placerville.

Erotic baseball and football cards. Also lewd kites, off-color phone books and perverted butterfly collections. No real estate salesman please. Bert, Box 3, Horseshoe.

Will the driver of the white Cadillac limbo please return my spiked heeled shoes before my Russell Stover shift on Monday. This is no Cinderella hustle, Mac, just send the shoes. You know who you are and I’m pretty sure I know who I am. Louella Smelt, Karmaville.

Lewd, lascivious, luscious lady looking to locate with lovable lustful, liquid lad for long-term living. No lowlifes. Let’s lunch. Blind Box L. Crested Butte.

SWM Ivy Leaguer seeks submissive trellis. Leave message where you purchase lawn food.

Best strippers! Playgirl knockouts! Muslim holy men! Darkroom technicians! John Madden impersonators! Red’s Hollywood Showbar, Gunnison and opening soon in downtown Saguache.

Looking for unusual rock formations and mineral samples for new ADULT ROCK SHOP in Ouray. Do you have anything like this? If you look at it and it makes you giggle, I’ll probably buy it! Bring in your specimens, in a plain brown bag to the phone booth near Rose’s Market. I will approach you at that time with a reasonable offer.

Must move 1965 Victorian toaster. Two-door. Automatic transmission, R & H. See Wanda in accounting department before Friday.

Wooden teeth, pornographic jello molds, plutonium money clips, aluminum palm trees, cloth birds, personalized pine cones. Will not break up sets. Great gifts. Pat Rat’s Emporium, Manana.

Will trade exercise bike for large pepperoni pizza. Melvin Toole in the darkroom Tuesdays.

Oral Roberts was a cheerleader before he underwent a sect change operation! Get it? Thousands of great jokes like this one can be right on the tip of your lips. Preachers, teachers, politicians, speech writers, college professors, salesmen, barbers…anyone with a mouth can benefit tomorrow! Cheap. Cole D. Sack Press, Sand Creek, CO.

Burly man needed to break up fights in church parking lot. Rev Phil Pharisee, Colorado Springs.

Willing to trade lucrative chicken trimming operation (going concern) for poorly constructed condo at Mt. Crested Butte. Reply before lunch. Henny Penny, Colona.

Spend the night in Balmoral Castle. No commoners please. Call Queen Elizabeth on her cell phone mornings only.

Lost: Rolex and keys to Saab at sweat lodge night. Troy, Crested Butte Newcomers.

Substitute Preachers needed for academic year. Must be aware of secular humanist theories and conceptual tithing. Degree in collection basketry helpful. Punitive Leap Council, Malfunction, CO.

Odor Eaters Anonymous will not meet during the week of September 17 due to a conflict in scheduling. Please perform ritual alone. Zorro Skiboote, Executive Podiatrist.

Hunting camp seeks qualified potato peeler with political science degree to entertain armed men throughout October. Good pay and grub. Mother’s Guide and Outfitting, Lake City. Also hiring zero altitude dancers and escorts for weekends. No Irish.

Woodsy nurse needed to assist amorous tree surgeon. Dr. Bark, Pitkin, CO

Will trade magic beans and bothersome trespasser for functioning milk cow – The Giant. Also need someone with tools to rewire my castle. Beanstalk Ventures, Wimpton.

Industrial windmills guaranteed to break wind every time or your money back! Donald Quicksote, Montrose.

Free to good home: Straw dogs. Ready for winter. See Alfalfa any afternoon at Stymie’s Bar and Grill.

For sale: 1982 Buick Skylark. Once owned by George Foreman. $300 firm. Red’s Box Springs and Mindless Country Music Emporium. Manana Mall.

For sale: Cardboard Starter Home with flat roof and pitched walls above semi-finished basement adjacent to lawn and potential garden. Lots of native rocks and views of loading docks. Growing season questionable. Doors and windows excluded. Many perfect sites on which to park junk cars. On garbage route. Neighbors are loud drunks who dress poorly. Nearby pasture once productive cotton field but now off limits. May part out to right person. Canine fertilization ongoing. Pirate entrance on alley. $450,000. I am a licensed Colorado Real Estate Broker.

Free to a good home: Lazy teenagers. Some already in baggy pants. October Special: Take two and the third one is on us! Parents Anonymous, Montrose and Delta.

For sale: Humor publication centered in Western Colorado. Current publisher seeks to pursue leisure time engaged in outdoor activities, indoor festivities, childhood fantasies, adult conversation and afternoon cocktail experiments. $200,000. Includes fixtures (human and otherwise) designer office furniture, water cooler, life-size Porky Pig savings bank, picture of Slim Pickens, filing cabinet with reconditioned outboard engine, week’s supply of air freshener and cigar box full of plutonium Disney figurines. Will trade for small island nation and $100 cash. Serious buyers should respond with earnest money at market price.

For lease Liver and Onion Delivery/Display Wagon. Used only once during the storming of the Bastille in 1789. Turn key operation. Contact Ed, dba Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon, behind the Ouray Variety Store.

200 retired persons needed to plant rice on Simms Mesa. Time is running short and the best water buffalo are going fast. Area has been mined over the years and protective foot and eyewear is suggested. People’s Republic of Ridgway.

Agricultor local explota viña con pasta de chile

(California Mesa) La salsa de temporada de un productor local de uvas realmente dio en el clavo llevando consigo tres acres de vides, un pequeño cobertizo de metal y algunos electrodomésticos abandonados. El personal policial local se unió a vecinos asustados esta mañana para resolver las cosas.

La explosión, en la granja de visones operada por Earl Bloodcell, se escuchó hasta Haley Draw, sacudiendo la colección de vidrio de más de 4000 piezas en una destartalada, pero reverenciada choza de barro que bordea Wingfield National Rocket Test Range. No se reportaron heridos, aunque un unicornio se lastimó ligeramente la nariz.

Tal vez solo una pizca menos de la pasta de pólvora Serrano y un poco más de cilantro, ¿eh Earl?

“Esa salsa tiene una gran patada. Se voló la parte superior de mi cobertizo de metal. Mi esposa me dijo que usara el aparato de medición, pero mi vecino dijo que podía mirar el brebaje para evitar limpiar más platos después de cocinar. ¡Eran las malditas habaneras!

Las autoridades locales culpan a los pimientos inactivos de Carolina Reaper por la explosión. Ambos son ilegales en Colorado y Utah. La cepa generalmente se tritura y se mezcla con otras verduras menos nocivas. Es ampliamente empleado como afrodisíaco tópico por las tribus espartanas en Nueva Guinea.

“No tenía la intención de violar la ley”, dijo Bloodcell. Solo usé un poco del sombrero escocés para mantener a los leones de montaña fuera de mis petunias. El resto lo alimenté con el oso para evitar que asaltaran mi alambique.

Preparado y cocinado en un nuevo ganado a través de la mezcla picante debe clasificarse como un arma.

“Técnicamente, sus salsas picantes deben clasificarse como explosivos y clasificadas en la familia de la pólvora”, dijo un caballero que llama, un agente retirado de la ATF que vive en el hueco de Bloodcell.

“Estábamos experimentando con la dilución cuando todo el lugar perdió la calma”, dijo Bloodcell. “De ahora en adelante es medio gotero a un galón de agua”.

Según SF Gate: “El grupo de chile verde incluye todos los pimientos verdes que están picantes, incluidos” Anaheim “(Capsicum annuum” Anaheim “),” Jalapeno “(Capsicum annuum” Jalapeno “) y” Cayenne “(Capsicum annuum” Cayenne ” ) Técnicamente, no hay diferencia entre un chile verde y un jalapeño. Sin embargo, muchos fanáticos del chile se están refiriendo a los pimientos grandes y suaves de Nuevo México, como “Anaheim” cuando usan el término chile verde. Estos chiles se usan para hacer chile verde y chiles enlatados. Debido a que estos chiles son tan suaves, se pueden usar en grandes cantidades en las recetas. Los jalapeños tienen más calor y a menudo se usan como condimento, en lugar de como ingrediente principal “.

Blind Moto-Raton Driver Reinstated

(Arábica, Colombia) Coffee City ha cedido después de una avalancha de apoyo público para Héctor Mancastle, el conductor ciego de moto-raton que casi perdió la vida aquí en este hermoso pueblo andino.

El mes pasado, después de las quejas de los turistas de que Mancastle no podía ver a través del parabrisas, los padres y madres de la ciudad confirmaron que Mancastle había fallado en todas las pruebas de manejo y ya no podía poseer un permiso de conducir (de hecho, ni siquiera podía ver la prueba escrita) y, por lo tanto, no podía Ya no realiza sus deberes como conductor.

“Es simple discriminación por edad”, dijo su media hermana Melba.

Mancastle tiene 95 años.

“He conducido esto aquí tuk-tuk durante 58 años y, aunque no puedo decirte su color, puedo decir que nunca golpeé nada”. – Homer Mancastle, conductor ciego.

Es como ese perro vaca frente al tren turístico que comenzó a ladrar si la cosa no se embarcaba a tiempo. Eso fue de acuerdo con su calendario canino, pero esta es una historia sobre la libertad y la supervivencia. ¿Qué se suponía que debía hacer Héctor, sentarse a la sombra cerca del hotel Arabica y mentir todo el día?

“Puede ser ciego, pero seguro que tiene una línea”, dijo un conductor más joven que a los 79 años opera hasta tres moto-ratons simultáneamente, un récord permanente en los Andes desde que se inventó el chicle.

He's back!

He’s back!

From many years back….Welcome hunters.

CLOUD SEEDING CATALOGUES ARRIVING FRIDAY

(Colona) The 1998 Cloud Seed Catalogues are expected to be delivered to businesses and residences at the end of the week according to crop dusters above the Uncompahgre Flyway. The catalogues, a bi-product of alleged United Nations meddling in the internal affairs of Los Estados Unidos and her clones, will be whisked into town via black helicopter. Others will be displayed on the Winternet.

Cooperative citizens who can show they have no opinion in matters of state can exchange the paltry imprints (catalogues) for thimbles of herbal tea and fresh mangos throughout the summer season. Warning: Unlicensed dogs caught driving ski gondolas after dark will be prosecuted, their owner’s mountain bikes sold for scrap.

Peaky past and future forecast

One Hundred Years Ago: 1919

Marigold Compost wins a posthumous Whirlitzer for her cookbook Basil Recipes From the Abyss published just months before her son, Earl Compost, wandered off into the woods near Yellow Jacket in early 1920. Erotic Quechua-Hibernian pictographs found near the Tomb of the Eternal Inca. Veronica Haley born in Bay Ridge. Know Nothings presidential convention in Las Vegas cancelled after the majority of the delegates went to Reno by mistake. Prohibition heralds in the Gangster Era in counties wet and dry. Skeletal Whigs go under the hair dryer for the last time. White House liar’s bench erected on West Lawn. Former President William Howard Taft (weighing in at 350 pounds) pressures current President Woodrow Wilson to suspend habeas corpulence in honor of former President Grover Cleveland who weighed in at 300. Only 10 years after granting suffrage to women Wyoming accused of Mail Order Bride scandal. “The Briar Patch” opens to ravenous reviews on Broadway. Other popular plays include “A Fruitcake Named Desire”& “The Barber From Tashkent”

 

One Hundred Years Distant: 2119

Vodka nose first diagnosed in Greenland. Superstition, feudal states, and serfdom on the rise due to bad public health and education in the provinces. “Islands for the Poor” – a refuge for the misbegotten closed due to alleged money laundering on the beaches. Sleeper cells engage in bloodless revolution near Lower Insomnia. Bear Republic formally recognized by Cub Scouts. Many bruins flee restrictive fur laws. Subsidized honey blamed for market roller coaster. Colorado Marijuana Industry Finalizes Purchase of Wells Fargo, other banks. Last remnant of Syrian civilians relocated to Alabama. Agnostic missionaries feared lost in Uruguay.