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DIALING UP THE SNOW GODS

Praying for snow

(Crested Butte) As the old saying goes if you want a god to listen to your petty needs first you have to get his/her attention. Unlike the mule scenario, a club is not recommended. Rather, the snow sports enthusiast and the water user need to tune into certain rituals and observances to facilitate communication and secure the good will and blessings of our betters up there in the sky.

     In recent dry years the practice of petitioning the gods has grown into a mega business with network astrologists, television evangelists, and an assortment of voodoo vagabonds leading the way. Don’t be thwarted by these charlatans and moguls of miscalculation. The only way to secure the support of these celestial loafers is to follow the strict guidelines put down in this manifesto.

Hooking Up with the heavens

First of all one doesn’t want to waste a lot of time talking to the wrong god. Some of these beings specialize and care not to detour from their eternal quest. There are gods of war, goddesses of love and fertility, gods of drink, gods of game, gods of dispossession, gods of second-hand clothing…The list is endless. Before you seek the help of any god do your homework. Your credibility is important. (Note: Most gods speak English and respond to faxes, E-mails and other cumbersome baggage of the Information Age.) Keep in mind that all gods, even the Judeo-Christian god are not American citizens. While this is shocking to some, it has been substantiated time and again. To reach the specified god just look up into the sky and say, “Excuse us our interruptions and palpitations but, like, could you make it snow this afternoon?” If the god is sleeping, clipping his toenails or engaged in a board game, it might be better to call back in an hour.

Rituals are all important

It is considered rude to stand while talking to the powers in the sky. The correct posture is down on both knees (see figure #99) with eyes fixed to the sky. Keep favors concise and offer to do whatever it takes to placate the forces of nature. Always thank your chosen benefactor and burn offerings quickly so as not to be busted by atheistic air quality control personnel. It is not necessary to purchase gifts for your god since they pretty much have everything. Leaving a small glass of rum or a tumbler of Wild Irish Rose should do the trick, at least it has for the author. Going kosher is perfectly acceptable but not expected unless one is requesting intercession on matters of the Old Testament or looking for advice on custom tailoring or where to buy crumb cake.

Keep your karma, Parma

If you’re hoping to gain a positive response start by getting your affairs in order. Don’t kick the dog or yell at the neighbors. Be kind to your family and pay your local venders. Remember: This reincarnation racquet could be for real. Don’t run over marmots, respect trees and smile at everyone (even realtors, who might have been rabbits, snakes or your Uncle Jack in former lives). Most of the gods can spot a phony from miles off and are all too happy to lead solicitors on before dropping them on their heads. Incense is not necessary while praying unless the gods have cooked catfish the night before. When sending wee-mail address the god as Dr., Mr. or Ms. as in Dr. Powderzeus, Mr. Karishslush or Ms. Aphrodumpe. Etiquette is all important to the idle rich.

A little chanting goes a long way

The last thing your average god wants is noise. We suggest that you whisper or attempt to get your message across with simple telepathy. If you must talk do so in a monotone. There is no need for inflection or trying to stress a point. These cloud squatters have been around for centuries and have heard it all by now. When you engage a god in conversation state your purpose and desires plainly and distinctly. Don’t ask twice for the same privilege. If you’re looking for a genie in a bottle or a leprechaun’s gold you’re in the wrong story. This is mythology, not legend or hearsay. Most importantly: DO NOT WHINE to the gods. They, like everyone else in your life, cannot justify time spent in complaint.

Be prepared for live sacrifices

Some of the younger gods are still testing their worth and may ask for live sacrifices. Sheep, goats and cattle are generally favored. Chickens (plucked) are considered to be too small while elk (dressed out) are often too large to drag through the heavens. Most gods prefer their sacrifices cooked medium to medium rare. With this approach you are not screwed if your divine diner decides to send the fare back. Sacrificing a sandwich for lunch or a bowl of Wheaties for breakfast might work just so long as the other gods aren’t watching. Use good common sense and you’ll get through this part without lightning strikes or the rendering of plague or pestilence. Most people agree that swarms of locust are no fun. Incompetence here could spell disaster for the rest of us.

Consult our voice-mail index for further excursions

The Horseshoe has been constructing a virtual reality communications system (800-SNO-GODS) aimed at the sky. Although it has not been completed it has been released into cyberspace for your convenience. Please read the instructions before proceeding.

1. If you are not concerned with avalanches PRESS 2 NOW.

2. If you only want it to snow in specific regions PRESS 3 NOW.

3. If you want correspondence in Innuit or High Texan PRESS 4 NOW

4. If you’re looking for snowboard information please connect to our challenged web page at www.linkmissing.com.

5. If you think you’re a god and you’re trying to reach us try our wee-mail.

6. Establish ski in/ski out potential

7. If your particular god wants a bribe, offer rum or cigars. NO GLASS BOTTLES please.

8. If all else fails ask your dog to intercede for you. Most gods prefer housebroken dogs and cats to people for obvious reasons.

That should do you. Grab those knee pads and get to praying. Just be prepared to help clean up the mess.

Antiguos druidas veneran bayas de muérdago

(Irlanda) Si alguna vez has vagado por los bosques de Irlanda, no puedes evitar tropezar con el muérdago. Crece en todas partes. Sorprendentemente, cuando el resto del verde está en hibernación, la planta del muérdago continúa produciendo bayas durante todo el invierno.

Los médicos-sacerdotes druidas consideraban que las bayas eran caras por sus beneficios medicinales y muy probablemente en la prevención de la concepción. Las bayas contienen altas concentraciones de progesterona (rimas con testosterona) que estimulan la libido.

Parafrasearemos lo que pudo haber ocurrido después, según lo teorizado por el Dr. John Lee, autor de Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Notable Hormone.

Aquí está el escenario: durante muchos siglos, los druidas patrocinaron un festival del solsticio de invierno que, según nuestro calendario, cayó el 22 o el 23 de diciembre. El evento, que duró una semana, tuvo como objetivo evitar que el sol desapareciera por completo del cielo. (Los paganos también estaban tensos con respecto a las cosas, especialmente el dios sol tomando polvo).

La celebración se llevó a cabo para que la primavera volviera algún día y el mundo no muriera. Katy, abre la puerta! Se pagaron las deudas, se intercambiaron regalos y se presentaron fiestas. Además, abundaba una mezcla sagrada de aguamiel caliente atada con bayas de muérdago. ¿Qué? No Guinness?

Una vez que comenzó la fiesta, la influencia del alcohol caliente y la progesterona ayudaron a que todos se relajaran y se conocieran mejor.

La medicina moderna reconoce el hecho de que el desprendimiento de la menstruación es el resultado de una caída abrupta de progesterona, que sin duda ocurrió después de que terminó la semana de la convulsión celta.

Por lo tanto, cualquier concepción que tuvo lugar durante la semana de relaciones sexuales sin restricciones se perdería en el flujo inducido. Además de permitir a los participantes el acceso a la licencia sexual primitiva, la fiesta del solsticio reforzó la percepción de que el sexo festivo sin responsabilidad posterior era simplemente otro regalo de los dioses. Suficientemente simple.

Con el inicio del nuevo año todo volvió a la normalidad. Y pensaste que habías estado en algunas fiestas … Feliz Navidad, Feliz Hanukkah y Feliz Solsticio. Muérdago bayas y aguamiel

Temporada de duendes Se espera que tenga un gran impacto

(Gunnison) Se espera que la temporada de elfos de 2004 lleve a más de 5000 cazadores a la cuenca de Gunnison durante las dos semanas de Navidad. A pesar de los conflictos por las licencias y el acceso a las áreas de caza tradicionales, se espera que la caza tenga un gran impacto económico. Los ingresos recaudados podrían saltar a millones de personas, lo que permitirá a los residentes dinero extra con el que vivirlo o tal vez un escape a climas más cálidos durante el invierno.

Tanto el Tesoro de Colorado como el IRS les recuerdan a los comerciantes que no están obligados a reportar ganancias relacionadas con los elfos ya que no hay pruebas de que realmente existan. ¡Las dos agencias fiscales pasaron a desearles a todos una Feliz Navidad!

OTRA APOLOGIA DEL GROPPO

Nos hemos cansado de extender estas disculpas estacionales a Groppo el Elfo y su batería de abogados, pero en el espíritu de los días festivos llegaremos a lo más profundo y trataremos de desordenar algunas plumas una vez más.

En primer lugar, vamos a aclarar las cosas. La breve pieza que apareció en la edición de noviembre sobre la herencia de Groppo fue, sin duda, de mal gusto. Además, realmente no teníamos fotografías del elfo con ganado local, aunque nos aseguraron que ese era el caso. Las huellas, como parece, desaparecieron la noche antes de que se pusiera fin a este problema y nos vimos obligados a sustituir una historia sobre el difamado esfuerzo de Spar City y algunas imágenes en color de Melvin Toole que colgaban las luces navideñas. de nuestras muchas prisiones locales.

Las referencias repetidas al abuso de alcohol de Groppo se presentaron fuera de contexto para no poner en peligro la reputación de los ciudadanos locales que, en la mayoría de los casos, parecen ser capaces de manejar tres hojas al viento sin incidentes. Las implicaciones de que la estatura física y la capacidad mental de Groppo son el resultado de su dieta de escarabajos bombarderos, twinkies y pasto de pantano digeridos mientras crecía en Kenner, Louisiana, es cierta. Esta acusación se puede verificar hablando con el dietista del elfo.

Además, los intentos de cobrar daños de esta publicación por parte de la familia de Groppo son infundados e ilegales. Nunca dijimos que su familia inmediata era solo drogadicta, que los habitantes actuales de su árbol genealógico eran drogadictos y drogadictos. Tampoco dijimos que eran alcohólicos, ya que la mayoría son borrachos de vestuario y su comportamiento público, aunque sospechoso, no puede ser registrado.

No importa todo eso. Vamos a dar la mano y parte como amigos, Groppo. Después de todo, realmente no eres peor que la mayoría de nosotros, especialmente cuando se ve a través del filtro de color rosa de la Yuletide.

– Editor

 

Letters to the editor

Letter policy: No unsolicited correspondence will be accepted after business hours. All E-mail and letters undressed to our lower editor will be turned over to the top dog for further examination. Absolutely no material will be returned. No emails will be acknowledged, much less answered in the order that they were received. Writer’s guidelines are not for public consumption. All checks will be cashed upon receipt. All cash will be abruptly seized and used to buy gifts for concubines. Services pending.

Dear Editor:

What recent bill, signed by the President and denounced by over 90% of Americans surveyed, allows for expanded/unlimited corporate ownership of media by rich contributors to the Madison and Monroe campaign, and smells like carp? Why do these groups want to control all the information fed to the public? Does this mean Grand Junction TV news will improve? How can I write so pretty and still keep slaves? Why was there no mention of these goings-on until after the bill was signed into law? You have until November of 2020 to answer.

Thomas Jefferson

From The Great Beyond

To the Editor:

Your recent critique of the Ouray Sewage Treatment Plant was unfair and brutal. Why just the other day the city approved its own drinking fountain water. If you would do your homework you would find that the aroma common to a small radius of the septic/sewage infrastructure is organic. Isn’t organic what all you new age liberals want? Your suggestion that the city burn incense in the area or give away clothes pins (for noses) is insensitive. You’re probably afraid of cow turds too. Melvin Toole

City of Ouray

Dear General Horseshoe:

We don’t understand why the air-conditioned Super Wal-Mart, recently erected in Kabul offends the Muslim element there. Where is their sense of global consumerism? Hardly anything in here is made in the USA. Don’t they want to buy worthless things cheaper? Is it because we have already put all the tribal ma and pa kiosks and markets out of business? Don’t they appreciate sweat shop designer clothing? C’mon, it’s policy to frisk all suspected Arabs at the front door and then sell prayer rugs at 50% off! Was it that Taliban rummage sale that set them off?

We plan a brand new store in Baghdad and one for Tehran next year. K-Mart can have North Korea–They don’t have any money anyway. We know the Afghanis love the chicken, the burgers, the chemical pizza and the tacos. Why are they so displeased with us?

Saddam Walton

Lawhore Pakistan

To the editor:

In a recent issue you listed a roster of effective aphrodisiacs easily found in the Rockies. Some, like the aspen leaves and the freckle tree bark seem easy enough to acquire while the bear tongue and sugar beet blossoms could involve some further research. My question is this: Can I buy these things on-line? I realize you suggest a hike through the forest but I’m reluctant to go out of the house due to possible immigrant attacks. PS: How will I know if any of your sensual remedies take?

Margot Rotweiller

Arvada, CO

Dear Editor:

For decades my daddy and his company polluted the planet, exploited the poor, experimented on animals, sub-divided farmland, and then, the day before his retirement, absconded with his employee’s pension funds and ran off with the pool man. According to his last email he is now pimping time shares in Guatemala City.

Now, thanks to a healthy trust fund I’m living here in beautiful Telluride but I’m not happy. I want to be a political activist like all the celebrities around me. I’d do anything to make up for the sins of my father.

Maybe I could send some grain to Africa, reintroduce timber wolves to San Miguel County, bankroll a couple of scholarships for the underprivileged, rescue some kitties from the pound, bail out a bankrupted airline or ship medical supplies to Iraq. Can you recommend a trustworthy broker/money manager?

I have this morning free to make amends but later in the afternoon I have to take my Range Rover to Montrose for a tune-up. Tomorrow it’s a pedicure and tennis lessons. Thursday my dog is scheduled for grooming and Friday the caterers are coming. Then, over the weekend I have a hot date with a member of a fashionable minority group. On Sunday I fly to Grand Junction to go shopping. Monday is my polo night. Maybe we could just meet for lunch next October.

Quite Sincerely

Radical Sister

Mountain Village

Dear General Horseshoe:

The 30,000 Ted Cruz masks that you had us send to El Salvador have been stolen. The police say they were scaring the fish but we were making great strides with them. Do you know how much a bag of tacos costs down here? Hal Burton

Resurrection Oil

Laramie, WY

Dear Editor:

Congratulations on your recent editorial decision to combine your editorial and obituary pages. The entire department is now more concise, organized and meaningful. Hell, with any luck you might save a cyber space tree or two in the process. Greetings too from my Uncle Earl who still thinks your writing sucks.

Rupport Murdoch

Perth

Lots of white for the holidays in Crested Butte