RSSAll Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Spring Dining Guide

MO’S TOWN SOUL FOOD CAFE, “Where we turn over the tablecloth for you,” (3763 Indian Massacre Blvd. Wimpton). Mo has been around since they built the Riverside Snowshed and she’s been feeding people even longer than that. The pre-Mon-troid cuisine includes Franco-American Spaghetti, frozen TV dinners, assorted frozen pot pies, bologna sandwiches and fish sticks. Why eat at home when you can dine out? Try Mo’s- “Where the Can is King!”

THE KENNEL LOUNGE, (Sapinero Center). How about Birdseed Etouffe or Turtle on the Half Shell? It’s all here! Kibble Quiche, Bones Rockefeller or Magpie Pie. All entrees served in a dirty dish out on the back stairs. Reservations discarded.

NAUTILUS STEAKHOUSE, (Ophir Loop North, two blocks from the dump). Finally someone has combined the fitness rage with the eating obsession. After a brief orientation, diners find themselves inhaling pepperoni pizzas during sit-ups as well as baked potatoes and 1/2 chicken during aerobics. Pot boys in muscle hats, too! Developed by Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of “Feel Good Fat,” which is on sale in the lobby. Get “The Doc” to autograph your copy. He’s probably in the bar.

CHATEAU MARMOT, Redstone. Ribs by the truckload. All you can eat by the hour, day, week or month. Three corpse meals from $6.50. Omelets so tasty you’d never know they use powdered eggs. Prime Squid is just $11, while New York Snake goes for $9.95. “Bodacious vittles” says Omar Whelp of “Popular Mechanics.” “Plenty of empty tables,” says Sue Croppy of “Woodworker’s Anonymous.” Closed February.

NICK’S ASBESTOS LOUNGE, Cahone Flagship. “Give them two or three stiff drinks and they won’t criticize the food.”- Nick Pelaruskas. Specializing in entrees that begin with “E”. Eggrolls, eclairs, escargot, enchiladas and eel are some examples. 40 percent gratuity required with groups of more than one. “ Dirtiest kitchen in the San Juans.”- Health inspector.

OUR PROMISE TO YOU: IF YOU CAN EAT AFTER READING THIS NEWSPAPER WE’LL BUY YOUR DINNER AT ONE OF THE RESTAURANTS LISTED ABOVE.

ANSWERS TO MARCH IQ TEST

1. Probably not

2. The linen closet on a 1958 Oldsmobile

3. Miscellaneous itemized deductions not to exceed 3% of adjusted gross.

4. The outhouse door on a tuna boat

5. Buffalo burgers cause far less gas but are harder to swallow under water.

6. Linseed oil heated to 105 degrees F.

7. Not available without prescription.

8. Hillary Clinton 17, Crocodiles 2

9. Pay-Per-View War

10. Employment of the Devil’s Picture Book turned out to be more effective than collecting all those Iraqi high school year books.

”When the beautiful mulata walks to the sea, the waves are gentle, the wind subsides, the sea is blue-green in emeralds. The sea is pleased.” – Jorge Amado

CONGRESS TO UNDRESS E-MAIL ADDICTION

Sputniks in Cyberspace?

(Washington) The situation is worse than imagined. That’s the conclusion of a Congressional sub-committee on the sensitive subject of E-Mail addiction.

At press time more and more people are accessing the Internet and with it the ability to send messages on-line. Soon many become addicted to the instant gratification that comes from split second electronic chatter. Then they start sending small talk and inconsequential banter over the net.

“The most severely addicted send meaningless drivel to a host of destinations,” said one investigator. “Lots of times they don’t even know with whom they are communicating. They spend countless hours at the computer sending what is in affect junk mail.”

In many instances the lame messages are quickly deleted by the receiver upon recognizing the sender’s name on the in box roster which is noting more than a waste of time.

“Imagine a woman in Missouri waiting for a new catfish and black-eyed peas recipe from her mother in Louisiana when all of a sudden she gets one of those puked family Christmas updates on E-Mail,” said one committee member. “It could easily be enough to ruin her appetite for the holidays.”

After the the summer recess Congress will decide if legislation is necessary to prevent the spread of this disease. According to unconfirmed sources here the law makers agree that such practices are an invasion of privacy but have yet to determine if constant E-Mail activity can be treated as a social disease.

“We’d like to find a cure before it’s too late,” continued the source. “If these people had to go to the trouble of mailing a letter one wouldn’t hear from them in a coon’s age.”

 

“He cannot think without his hat.”   – Samuel Beckett, Waiting For Godot (1952)

Snoop on the Tube

American culture has finally lapped itself with the new Joker’s Wild, a late night game show with Snoop Doggie Dog as the host.

Horseshoe Corrects Copyright Snafu

(Denver) The San Juan Horseshoe is back in the driver’s seat regarding potential copyright infringements, according to publisher for life General Kashmir Horseshoe. As of this morning all of the paper’s work is registered with the Library of Congress and thus is protected from possible violations by federal law.

“For over a decade, one of our former employees has been religiously sending the papers to the Congress Lounge, at Grant and East Colfax in Denver, instead of forwarding a sample issue to the Library of Congress for documentation,” said Horseshoe. “While most of the paper’s staff has spent time hanging off the bar, hobnobbing with lobbyists and chatting with politicians at the Congress, the lounge really has no capacity to address the copyright laws,” he explained. “The owners are interested in moving drinks, not establishing archives.”

Horseshoe went on to suggest that he would be surprised if anyone wanted to steal from his paper anyway.

“That would be a desperate, wanton act that should be punishable by a slow death or a swift lobotomy,” he smiled, adding that the Congress Lounge would still receive a complimentary subscription each month for its trouble.

 – Melvin Toole

“Systems never work. Embrace chaos.”

        – Mr. Toad, in Zippy the Pinhead by Bill Griffith.

Applied Appliances