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Lots of white for the holidays in Crested Butte


SERVICES OFFERED Will put down your old tractors. Quickly, effectively, painlessly. Big Foot Farms, River Road, Olathe. Know someone growing illegal mistletoe? The DEA is paying top dollar for information leading to the indictment of these criminals in your own backyard. Once we fill the prisons with these people we can achieve full employment and true utopia through government control. Huzzah!

Maternity ensemble once worn by Madonna’s mother. General Delivery, Hollywood.

Wanted to buy: I LOVE GUNS. I really love guns. I like the way they feel in my hand and the noise they make when fired. I love guns about as much as I love storm trooper boots and starched collars. Let me buy your guns – Quentin Dink, Wimpton Police Cadet Lounge.

Drug Lord Appliances from $50! These nearly new washers, dryers, microwaves and more. Were confiscated from suspected drug lords in Florida and Texas. Some rust and avocado. Also seized refrigerators, freezers, swarthy futons, anarchistic toasters, revolutionary ranges and rough air conditioners. January Special: Poblado Dishwasher: $45. See at Zero Tolerance Appliances. We’re winning the War on Drugs. You’ll see.

Turn your food processor into a word processor by the application of simple pickle down economics. Dial 34.

Nearly new forehead weights perfect for the mental giant or the thinking athlete who seeks to improve his/her mind. Margot Rotweiller at the Horseshoe.

Brainless parrots needed to throw gasoline on the bonfire of crime in urban America. Send picture of hair, recent tape and description of on-the-air experience to Star Search, KBLO-TV, Denver, Colorado 80207.

ARE YOU employed in the Department of Agriculture? Rehabilitation is available. With your cooperation and our expertise we can have you flipping burgers by spring – Your Federal Government.

Trouble getting through doors? Sign up today for our innovative program “Aerobics at Night”. This patented workout is conducted after dark with the lights out so as to avoid the embarrassment often associated with those first few days of physical activity. The only thing on is the music and the tiny reflective monitor on your instructor’s naval. Be a new you in 2019.

Are you easily persuaded by pseudo-religious ranting and raving? Do you like to be told how to live? Is the rumor of the hereafter more important than your current treatment of your fellow man on earth? Do you fear anyone with new ideas? We can use a few, good moralizing Americans to help us gain control of this country and turn it into the oligarchy that our forefathers intended it to be. Send for more information today. Coloradans for Family Values, Taliban-Cromwell Complex, Colorado Springs, CO.

Will pay top dollar for dirty postcards, dirty dishes, dirty fingernails, and some dirty thoughts. Vulture Dentures, Wimpton Mall.

MEL’S MEATS is looking for a responsible cleaning person for busy slaughterhouse operation. No Communists. The job is quite easy since Mel’s Meats has no windows or stairs. We are part of the heralded Fun Employment Sham Concept and pay minimum wage with no benefits. We have no maternity leave or daycare either. Vegetarian preferred. Come around to the back door before noon weekdays.Ask for Ms. Whitewash.

Hijackers needed for weekend projects in the Caribbean. Mechanical aptitude helpful. Must speak recognizable Spanish and English. Rubric Cuban, Santiago de Cuba.

What’s all this about ending the reign of the Bureau of Reclamation? Then what? Has everything really been reclaimed already? For more write Department of Suburban Asphalt and Smog, I-25, Denver, CO.

Saxophone engineer. Part time. Good pay. Could lead to full time position in Presidential Cabinet or White House Symphony. See Conductor on Pennsylvania Avenue before it’s too late.

Needed: Have Aberdeen semen, frozen direct from Scotland. Seeking heifers of fine standing. Thawing rapidly. Spring’s on the way. Meltdown eminent. Contact Gus at the Fern Chuckwagon.

The Haywire Ranch Irrigation College is now accepting students for the winter semester. Prerequisite includes sturdy shovel and some knowledge of childish civil engineering. Send transcripts c/o Dr. G. R. Lovingood, Director, School of Body Chemistry.

Lost: Small white male. Finders Keepers…Louella Parsimmons, Olathe. Will trade Harley parts for large, useable crutches. Matawan of Whitewater.

FOR SALE: Rare fountain pens used by George and Boris to sign nuclear arms pact in Moscow back a ways. On display at Team Ink. Serious inquiries only.

Hard charging corporate type wheeler-dealer who can turn his/her head needed to change tires at busy adverting agency. Good prospects for the person who can remember who drinks what in their coffee and who likes mustard, mayo, rye, white…Get it? So can you! We are a politically correct agency because it’s trendy and we all wear suspenders, even on weekends. Mortsern, Hamill and Glick, Rat Mill Pike.

Final Warning: Anyone caught with a Christmas tree still up after February 1 will be punished – E. Scrooge, Dogbreath Village.

Does your conscience often bother you? Do you lay awake at night unable to sleep? Surgery is now available. Qualm Surgical Group, Indian Massacre Highway and Wimpton Clinic.

Announcing: The First Annual DesPlants Family Reunion at the Delta County Jail on February 24-27. Bring proof of heritage, parole or release papers and covered fish. Accommodations will be provided. For more call Enselmo DesPlants at the jail.

Great Pyrenees-Chihuahua mix. Could turn out to be great smeller or speller. Ready to go on New Year’s Eve about 3:15 pm. Wanda’s Dogs and Things, Almont. Work right at home.

Night auditor needed to keep track of waste for federal government. Great pay and benefits. Proof of citizenship and familiarity with pocket calculator important. Must be able to translate from government abbreviations to English. Send brief resume to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Director of Diversion and Snow Plows, Washington DC.

Need: Happy people to operate solar car wash for wealthy man. Minimum wage plus keep 100% of tips. Contact Western Colorado Coalition for the Preservation of Minimum Wage, Montrose, CO.

Keep your cowpoke on the right range with Mel’s Cowboy Chastity Belts. Buy one before Valentine’s Day and we will give you a monogrammed snuff can lid for your wrangler’s ensemble. Darkroom Acres.

Will pay top dollar for original Iraqi jokes. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon Dance Hall in Mancos. Bad Cowboy Poets always in demand at the Fern Chuckwagon. Call Slim.

HEREFORD-POODLE MIX PUPS. Should be excellent cow dogs. Slim at the Fern Chuckwagon in Tail Town.

Diluted and edited naughty perfume ads. Set of 40 videos for $100. Box 99999, Horseshoe.

NEW PROOF: Ronald Reagan almost voted for Bill Clinton back in 1992. Those voting booths get more confusing every year, don’t they! We’ll fix it in 2020. Ya sure.

Let Eddie Murphy teach your kids how to attain fame and riches through vulgarity. Send foul-mouthed tape to Alternate Education Systems, 1200 Brown Cloud Way, Commerce City, CO.

It’s time to enact the death penalty for environmental terrorists. Let’s start with the bosses over at Rocky Flats. They dumped toxic waste into the water and plutonium into the soil. If we’re serious about preserving what’s left of this planet let’s set a precedent for the future. Write your Congressman today and demand satisfaction. They (the Congress) will do anything to stay on the gravy train until the next election. For more information send SASE to Ecological Mercenaries of America, Toronto, Ontario.

POWER FORWARD desperately needed for NBA franchise in Rocky Mountain region. Travel a must. Swing shift. Send resume to Denver Nuggets.

Will purchase Ramblin’ Jack Elliot instrumentals for market price. Call Ramblin’ Jack Elliot at Talagi’s in Boulder.

Thinking about getting a flattop? We specialize in cranial excavation, refinishing, frontal irrigation, weekend lobotomies and related services. Let us prepare your head for the barber/stylist. Industrial Coiffures. We’re Blonded.

Phony Resumes. Dial 56 and hold it. KARAOKE SALON now open in Montrose. You move your mouth we move the scissors. Perms available on cassette and compact disc. Appointments available right now!

Looking for experienced bass player for Washington DC jazz combo. Gifted economist or liberal philanthropist preferred. Call Mike at White House Investments.

Alliterate poets needed for new magazine concentrating on the letter “r”. Send manuscripts to Robert de Frost c/o Gothic Aquatic Center before February 15.

RED: Forget all the philosophizing about whether the glass is half empty or half full. You’re glass seems to be empty far too often. You are a lush. Happy Birthday – ANDREA.

Will spike Christmas trees for small fee – I. M. Hipp Hugger, Water Diversion Project Ave., Wimpton.

Frackin’ Freddie’s will purchase sturdy lawn and leaf bags. Call Ms. Toxic at our Jefferson County Purchasing Office today!

Get your very own Akpatok Mink Coat before the species is totally extinct! That’s correct! A beautiful Akpatok Mink from the shores of Ungava Bay. $6500 plus postage. Also baby seal serapes, gorilla hand ash trays, ivory cigarette holders and more. Scum Importers, Cape Chidley, Newfoundland. “Where Western European traditions are alive”.


A Quiz For Phonics Buffs


a. derogartoy term for a clown

b. a rough draft or sketch

c. an inconsiderate male


a. a brand of drug paraphenilia

b. a collection agency that uses violent means

c. a pool formed by a backwater channel


a. a double oxymoron

b. a prostitute

c. a brand of acne medication


a. to put on make up

b. having passed gas

c. feminine for “pard”


a. government by old people

b. bingo parlor ethics

c. Apache social structure in place in late 1900s


a. non-distinguishable winds

b. prone to chronic indigestion

c. tasteless


a. movement of ozone

b. bad breath

c. disease affecting dairy cows


a. a whore pretending to be a wife

b. rude little creatures living under mushrooms

c. bits of satire gone awry


a. a positive curse

b. hiccup, cough

c. affirmative by speech-impaired


a. study of exotic soils

b. credo of ancient Egypt

c. nagging criticism

ANSWERS TO WORD QUIZ: 1. b, 2. c, 3. b, 4. a, 5. a, 6. c, 7. b, 8. a, 9. b, 10. c


(Montrose) The local Wendy’s Restaurant will be closed indefinitely due to the surprise (some say out-of-wedlock) pregnancy of its pig-tailed owner/front person. The freckle-faced slut was not available for comment. Sources here are suggesting just who the father might be.

“It’s very, very difficult to say who she has been with over the winter,” said a fry cook who claims to have been out of town since last December.

Conjecture has it that the father is either the Burger King, Col. Sanders or Ronald McDonald (and not Donald Trump as detractors insist) Since Wendy is a minor all or some of the suspected daddies could face criminal charges.


(Gunnison) The late Sam Walton, illustrious founder of Wal-Mart, has been seen by several shoppers in the parking lot here. Local police, charged with investigating the possible appearances, have found nothing to suggest that the deceased entrepreneur is back in Gunnison.

“We combed the area searching for any indication that these sightings were valid,” said one officer. “All we found was a lot of chewing gum stuck to the asphalt, a few disoriented bargain hunters and some discarded shopping lists.”

Meanwhile, the climate remains one of desperate procurement with blue light specials and low, low prices strewn over a three thousand mile front.

In nearby Montrose, Walton is said to have attended a breakfast meeting to discuss the reconstruction of that store, located south of town. The facility was burned to the ground Friday when a ditch fire, encouraged by high winds, transformed the former showcase to mindless consumerism into nothing but ashes.

An irresponsible chicken rancher, Melvin Toole, 106, of 448822991166 Road has been charged with stupidity, leaving the scene of a fire, burning without a hazardous waste permit, driving while intoxicated and chronic burnout. The previously paroled palavering  pyromaniac is currently out on bail, and his flame throwing device has been confiscated by police.

Another alleged Walton sighting took place near Almont, where an elderly man was said to have dropped out of the sky and into the full view of some 20 fishermen assembled along the banks of the Taylor River. One of the witnesses told authorities that the strange visitor attempted to sell him a gross of American flags made in Taiwan.

-Uncle Pahgre

When starting up your computer always remember to check the engine block and oil level on your dipstick. If spam is present be sure to rev the engine slightly and put it slowly into low gear. That way diesel and gasoline residue will not mar the screen or block plug-ins later in the afternoon. Keeping windshields free of malware will help avoid crashes as will alleviating stress during hard drive activities. A little prevention goes a long way. Always remember: You are a pre-existing condition. Happy motoring.