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ROCK SOUP

Nora: Watch the seals at play and regain your lost soul – Leopold Bloom.

Tax advice #399: Avoid annoying audits. Send 25% of your taxes due directly to the Pentagon and save penalties and interest too. Since the money is going to end up there anyway, why make us do all the paperwork? We might even lose it in the mail. Your contribution will go toward building even bigger and better weapons which will be used against enemies of freedom as we define it.

Lost: Yardarm from Stevens Power Yacht along with entire starboard side and some rope. Cannot find crew since entering harbor last Friday. Running short of malt and scurvy setting in. House plants doing well. Help. Finbar the Sailor.

Monster Man Kelly will be in Cahone to take on all bare-fisted comers through July 19. Pick up entry form at Disappointment Valley Optimist’s Club. Cash payout daily. No sumo wrestlers.

Foot pads, thieves and dance house loungers must get out of Lake City and stay — otherwise hang. – By order of the Vigilantes, June 2019.

Smile…Thor loves you.

NOTICE: Local black bear are awake. PLEASE do not bother them with your intrusive demands, silly problems and ridiculous questions until they have had their coffee. Follow this simple consideration and everyone involved will have a happier summer. Thank you. DOW.

Suffering from Middle Age Vertigo Syndrome? Dial 4 and ask for Donald Quijote.

Join the OLIVE OF THE MONTH CLUB and receive a new set of olives from all of the Greek islands once a month. Naxos, Paros, Crete and more. Imagine the fun when your olives arrive by mail. It’s almost like being there! Box 30097, Ophir.

Hunters: Beware of the Hides of March! Your local 4-H Club. Do it today.

Digital Cahone, the region’s premier bouzoukia band, will be playing Friday and Saturday at The Tinsel Tavern. Bring a covered fish.

Get the credit you deserve. We don’t care what you’ve been doing to dig that fiscal hole. We’ll make it better. Mr Blue. 800-475-1153.

Red: Work release don’t buy me no prom dress. Kiss off – Kate.

Aerial photos of your enlarged ego. See Mr Habitt, afternoons the Wrinkle Room at the Last Harbor Hotel Annex. No cover.

Needed: Rogue truckers to transport hazardous materials in unmarked trailers through the Rockies while all the little environmentalists are fast asleep. Gov’ment approval pending. Great pay. Apply at the third apple shed adjacent to C Bunker across from the simple block building one mile north of the L-P surfboard plant. You won’t be sorry.

For lease: Cash cows. Herd or intimate discussion groups. Feed extra. Also broken horses and depressive goats. Free oysters to the first 1000 people through our gate! Gelded Fields Ranch, Sapinero.

Recovering realtors needed to man nuclear waste dumps. Points earned go toward legal reprieves and full emancipation someday. Aromatic Effigy Commission.

Found: Truckload of acronyms in front of Gunnison Quart House. Have same stored at Department of Dead Letters. Please advise. Second Floor, No anchovies.

Enjoy Apres Ski! Genuine Salivation Army issue Apex Telemark Meatloaf Conveyor. One odor. Was $6780 now $10 with your KBUT Membership. Many elk designs under the socks. Also, need someone to direct traffic at Society Turn weekdays. Town Console.

Learn the intricacies of Bingo on location in Latin American countries. One month sessions now booked. Richard “Pelota” Ricardo, Havana.

Will the person who called in the bomb threat to the Montrose Wal-Mart please turn himself in. We have you on camera. Do so before June 30 and take 20% off all spring merchandise.

Official combat helmets just like those worn by the Colorado Rockies pitching staff in 2018. Also: Check these specials: Base paths 2/$3; Chewing tobacco $4.99; Arbitration couches and front office supplies 40% off. Utility infielders 1/3 off while they last. Diluted personnel always on sale. Mack the Hack, Mack.

Grow hair where and when you want to. Dial 45. No scalpers.

Bagpiper needed to host Wee People when they come to town for  pint. Duties include keeping little glasses full and keeping little glasses full and keeping little glasses full. Commission only. Liam O’Leary.

Scapegoat milk and cheeses delivered to your bunker daily. Fred Hat Produce.

Remember: July 30 is the final deadline for refunds on the Colorado Unused Firewood Tax Credit. If you were smart you burned all those federal forms to stay warm and should have a stack of wood leftover for lovely October. Call the IRS.

Don’t forget the FREE PERFUME SAMPLE: See Lifestyles at Risk.

–Advertisement–

Make big money and travel to exotic places as a proofreader for hotshot journalists all over the world. Do you have the talent and drive to claim one of these fast paced positions? Can you spell and manipulate a digital camera? Can you convince potential advertisers that you can be trusted?

Take this simple test and you could win a scholarship to the Big Earl Headwind Gladiator Academy located in Maybell, Colorado. (New facility in Cahone to open in July).

Our staff will quickly determine if you have the ability to a.) write crisp, compelling headlines; b.) proof-read with speed and accuracy c.) operate an ultra-sharp exacto-knife, a light table, scissors (Don’t run with these) and a proportion wheel from the Dark Ages of Journalism. d.) get everyone’s coffee order without typographical error e.) afford this worthwhile course.

What do you have to lose? Sit down and take the test.

Section I – Writing Heads

Rewrite the following headlines for clarity and concision. Note: These are headlines found in reputedly reputable local papers.

1. Snowpack Could Lead To Flooding.

2. Senior Citizens Getting Older Says Government Study.

3. Energizer Wabbit Wounded By Gwouse Hunters.

Take ample time to finish your work. No cheating please. That comes later on the job.

Section II Proof-reading skills

Find as many mistakes as possible in the following passages:

1. Armed with a spanking new set of murals I began to thawr out. Instantly I knowed I could, be brake-dancing the Horizontal, Two-step with any, woman mechanic in, town. instead of inhaling another round of whiskey and sleeping with the billiard rack in the liquor closet.

2. The sky was about as redd as your average cowboy’s knees at the beech in July and near’s cloudy as The cramp cookie’s general atttitude. That’s a sure sign that flatland touristas are zoned in on the vicinity,” spat one cowpuncher as he precariously landed an above average wad in a patch of pickled sagebrush.

3. “It’s sinful enough fer me,” said Clem. “Ether the driver around this parts are getting dumber or everyone in Montrose owns at yeast six vehicles.”

4. My father was an olde Indian fighter while my mother was an old Indian. I myself have taken up a career in real estate.

How many mistakes did you find? The very fact that you would spend time on this exercise is one indication that you might accept less than minimum wage during your six-year training period.. Go on to the next section.

Part III Reading for comprehension

Read the following story and write a 1600 word essay explaining its major components. You have three minutes.

Once upon a time a big bull skunk moved into the shed that housed my daddy’s still. Upon weekend examination daddy determined that he was hosting a family of unwanted guests. He also found that his moonshine had taken on a different taste and was now selling like hotcakes to the large New York perfume companies and all the way to the West Virginia border. Confused, he constructed another shed and a second still apparatus which he planned to rent out to a contingent of whistle pigs on their way to the California Gold Fields.

When you have completed the entire test fold it up (12 x 4) and send it (along with a $35 filing fee) to BEHGA, 126 Big Earl Way West, Maybell, Colorado.

–Advertisement–

Baltimore, West Cork Seafront

This mellow little village is the jumping off point for an assortment of beautiful islands off the Southwest Irish coast.

CONGRESS TO UNDRESS E-MAIL ADDICTION

Should social media be classified as a social disease?

(Washington) The situation is worse than imagined. That’s the conclusion of a Congressional sub-committee on the sensitive subject of email addiction.

At press time more and more people are accessing the Internet and with it the ability to send messages on-line. Many are dangerously addicted to the instant gratification that comes from split second electronic chatter. Then they start sending small talk and inconsequential banter over the net.

“The most severely addicted send meaningless drivel to a host of destinations in social media,” said one investigator. “Lots of times they don’t even know with whom they are communicating. They spend countless hours at the computer sending what is in affect junk mail.”

In many instances the lame messages are quickly deleted by the receiver upon recognizing the sender’s name on the in box roster.

“Imagine a woman in Missouri waiting for a new catfish and black-eyed peas recipe from her mother in Louisiana when all of a sudden she gets one of those tedious family Christmas updates on E-Mail,” said one committee member. “It could easily be enough to ruin her appetite for the holidays.”

After the Christmas recess the congress will decide if legislation is necessary to prevent the spread of this disease. According to unconfirmed sources here the law makers agree that such practices are an invasion of privacy but have yet to determine if constant email activity can be treated as a social disease.

“We’d like to find a cure before it’s tool late,” continued the source. “If these people had to go to the trouble of mailing a letter one wouldn’t hear from them in a coon’s age.”

“Technology is terrorism’s most effective ally. It delivers a global audience.”

Jason Burke

IRS TARGETS ALUMINUM CAN COLLECTORS

(Washington) The Internal Revenue Service is concerned with aluminum cans. Actually it is more concerned with the evasive tendencies of those engaged in the gathering of these treasures, saying that the government has not been cut in on the action.

“These criminals are not paying their fair share on the profits generated in this lucrative exchange,” said Otto B. Broke of the IRS. “We only want what’s coming to us.

Broke assured us that his agency had already taken steps to insure that this behavior would cease and that these tax dodgers would be brought to justice. He failed to mention the saving graces of recycling and the advantages of positive garbage management in his epistle. 

“Even if we have to post an agent at every dumpster in every town in America, we will nip this conspiracy in the bud,” he insisted.

A new federal tax form, number ABZ-11998, has been issued and persons who fail to comply with the newest regulations will be penalized. Broke said the country is losing over $600 per aluminum can operation per annum and added that there may be as many as 4 million Americans engaged in this dumpster-diving trade.

“We even had a case where one aluminum enthusiast attempted to write off his shabby clothing as a uniform, declared his cardboard shack to be his office and claimed each individual can as a dependent”, laughed Broke. “The whole thing is mind boggling at best! Don’t these people realize that we need the money to keep the country running smoothly?”

 -Kashmir Horseshoe

Igloos may fall through planning cracks says BOZO

(Elk Avenue) The construction igloos in the town of Crested Butte is on the upswing after a snowy winter and BOZO, Bored of Zoning and Obstructions, has yet to act on “crimes against local architecture.”

“We weren’t ready for this one,” said one board member who asked not to be identified.

Proponents of the temporary expansion say the igloos represent viable affordable housing even when it is seasonal. They add that the structures will most likely be gone by early June.

“This is the local gov’ment’s chance to ignore something and it will go away syndrome which has plagued the upper end of the valley since tourism exploded in the 90s.” said the source.

“We have attempted to put our mark on every building in town but this has escaped our grasp,” quipped the BOZO spokesman. “I wonder if igloos can be painted purple?”

– Melvin O’ Toole