RSSAll Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Hombre disparado desde las tierras del cañón en el hospital

(Wimpton-on-Uncompahgre) Un hombre de 27 años, disparado desde un cañón el jueves durante el espectáculo anual de armas y fuegos artificiales de Chicken Hawk, descansa cómodamente en el hospital de San Roscoe. Se espera que sea engañado y liberado después del fin de semana.

Según los informes, el forraje no identificado de carne y huesos se ofreció para ser propulsado de esta manera de polvo negro. Supuestamente estaba tratando de eludir a los seis hermanos de su novia que recientemente se habían comprometido a golpearlo sin sentido debido a interludios románticos sin compromiso y “promesas de cumplir”.

Aunque el ejercicio de artillería se realizó sin problemas, la bala de cañón humana aterrizó más o menos en los asientos del estadio en la arena de rodeo. Los técnicos de emergencias médicas lo rescataron y lo llevaron a St. Roscoe. Ahora es una celebridad en el ala psiquiátrica.

“Al principio lo consideramos un goner”, dijo un técnico médico en la escena. “Entonces pensamos que tenía que llevarlo a la Clínica Mao, pero está sentado desayunando esta mañana, sacudido pero vivo”.

Actualmente está experimentando una leve pérdida auditiva, pero los médicos nos aseguran que la afección mejorará o podría empeorar según lo dicte el tratamiento.

El episodio marca la primera vez desde la batalla de Glorieta Pass que un ser humano ha sido lanzado por una pistola o mortero. Respaldarlos a menudo era una necesidad, en lugar de tanques o poder aéreo, para avanzar tropas vacilantes de manera ordenada.

“Cuando las tropas reunidas vieron lo que le sucedió a un simulador, todos pasaron por encima y cargaron la posición del enemigo sin más demora”, dijo una fuente del espectáculo de armas. “Los ejércitos dispararon exploradores y soldados de observación hacia adelante fuera de los cañones hasta la perfección del paracaídas de poliéster y la invención del helicópter.

Las autoridades aún no han revelado el nombre de la víctima hasta que se puedan identificar a los miembros de la familia, mientras que las personas responsables de encender el fusible han sido detenidas, aunque los abogados insisten en que la evidencia es humeante en el mejor de los casos.

“Nadie obligó a este lunático a entrar en el cañón”, dijeron, “que intenten probar intenciones o acciones criminales. Han ocurrido muchas cosas más extrañas durante el calor de la batalla.

Los funcionarios del hospital confirmaron que usar un casco probablemente le salvó la vida al hombre. Ya se está trabajando en un libro.

Catfish-Jello Salad

Recipes For the Trail

(Merluza may be substituted for Catfish)

Directions: Take two packets of lemon or banana jello. Cut and opening in each approximately 4-5 inches long.

Catch 8 Catfish (4-5 inches long) and cram them into the little boxes of jello. Shake hell out of the boxes. Remove the coated fish and place in a rubber dish. Mix remaining jello with water and carefully pour into a mold.

Throw the rubber dish up into the air until all of the catfish have fallen into the dirt around your campfire. Turn fish. Place in mold with jello. Cool.

For a delectable sauce combing 4 oz Tabasco with half-gallon vinegar and add one tsp. brown sugar and a pint of club soda. Cook for a while.

As a special family activity take the (hopefully) uneaten heads and tails of the fish and make swell little puppets out of them with toothpicks and some material from Mom’s sewing box. A resourceful or bored young camper will soon experiment with all sorts of applications here such as fish pantomime and song and dance. What fun!


It’s August. Do you know where last December’s fruit cake is? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:

1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems

2. Spongy, once-edible lifts for shoes

3. Decorative moss Mediterranean fireplace grout

4. Trail tofu kibble for small herd animals

5. Mediterranean house trailer skirting

6. Throw-away windshield scraper/breakfast bars (check use dates)

7. Candied stick deodorant

8. Sure-grip roofing supplement spikes for safe snow removal

9. Tear-away political platforms

10. Solar-Spell Astroturf

11. A offensive line for the Broncos.

12. Dog house insulation

13. Congressional dartboards

14. Leak-proof chinking material

15. Canvasses for bad western artists

16. Jigsaw puzzles

17. Patching for the ozone

18. Square Frisbees

19. U.S. Constitution one-speed bicycle grips

20. Succulent decoupage

-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath, critic

“You have to believe. That’s what I think. It’s not about medicine and all that stuff. You have to believe a person can get better. There is so much in the human mind we don’t understand, but you see if you have faith you can do anything.”                 

  • Young girl working at convenience store near Kingsbridge talking about cancer recovery in The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry

BLM Loses Keys to Gate

(Montrose) The Bureau of Land Management has apparently misplaced the keys to a security gate west of here fanning the flames of fear that the land inside may be up for grabs. The almost 10,000 acres, protected by the gate and almost 7,000 miles of fence, could fall into the wrong hands as soon as Tuesday.

“The Mexican gov’ment has been eyeballing this little parcel since we stole most of the Southwest from them in 1850,” said Melvin De Toole, veteran sagebrush expert with the BLM. “It has been sending reconnaissance teams up this way disguised as farm workers for almost a century. They know our weak points.”

Toole added that, in addition to the potential setbacks in the Manifold Destiny Ballpark the region could come up short of deer and elk come harvest time.

“Peoples to the south have always wanted to entice our deer and elk,” explained Toole. “It’s common knowledge that they have been coveting our elk since the Gadsden Purchase. As long as we are the custodians of the land we will fight to keep it,” he promised.

It was not clear how the elk could have escaped due only to the keys being misplaced. Insiders at the BLM think rogue elements within the agency itself purposely left the gate open. Sources near the action suggest that jealous elements in New Mexico and Utah may well have been in cahoots with the Mexicans as well.

“With the land gone what would we have to manage?” asked Toole. “The deer and elk never listen and the rest of the forest animals run away whenever we try to approach them.”

– Forest Grump

“The Democrats appear too tired to choose a Presidential candidate. They remain stunned at the entrance of the big barn dance, perplexed by what can of food to donate to the local food bank in lieu of admission fee. Are they waiting for someone else to assume control?”

– the Ghost of Paul Von Hindenburg

Irish court delays construction of RTP compounding plant

Frank Esposito

An Irish court has delayed an order that would have allowed RTP Co. to build a compounding plant in that country.

The Irish High Court made the decision on July 30, according to an email update from Save Our Skibbereen (SOS), a local group that has opposed the plant. The decision also was reported that same day by the Southern Star newspaper.

Local zoning board An Bord Pleanala (ABP) consented to the decision. ABP had approved the project in late November. The main ground for the court’s decision, according to SOS, was that the screening by ABP for appropriate assessment was in breach of requirements laid down by the European Union’s Court of Justice in 2017.

The case now will be returned by the court to ABP for further consideration. That process will take 12-18 months, and no development can begin in that period, SOS said.

Officials with Winona, Minn.-based RTP had no comment on the latest developments. The firm has been active in Europe, opening a new plant in Poland last year. RTP also has European plants in France and Germany.

SOS officials said in the email that the decision “is excellent news, however it does not mean that the planning has been completely withdrawn and so we remain vigilant and ready to do whatever it takes to ensure that this development will never proceed.”

RTP, a major global compounder, first proposed the plant for Skibbereen in late 2017. Skibbereen is a town of about 3,000 less than 10 miles from Ireland’s southern coast. The 16,000-square-foot plant would create as many as 40 new jobs.

SOS is concerned about the environmental impact of the plant. More than 6,000 area residents have signed a petition opposing the RTP plant. Award-winning actor Jeremy Irons, who owns a historic castle in the area, also has publicly opposed the project.

Like Thor always says: