RSSAll Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Applied Appliances

Tenure Records Gone

Missing Link to the Past Nets Legitimacy Chaos at WSCU

(Gunnsion) Verification of faculty tenure at Western State University is pretty much anyone’s guess these days with the disclosure that the Tomichi Tenure Tabernacle has been misplaced. Blamed on maintenance personnel, the loss could affect future class loads,publishing merits, academic contracts and research grants.

“It was here just the other day,” said one administrator who only gave her name as Doctor someone.

The arch, or tabernacle as it is called by the faithful, was moved once in 1999 due to the threat of a forest fire in the region and again when the Hell’s Angels came to Gunnison in 2010.

“Since we are a state institution we must adhere to state regulations when it comes to fire,” said the administration spokesman. “That means we have to keep at least two buckets of tepid water and a folding shovel at hand. As far as pacifying motorcycle gangs goes there is no one of staff with that kind of expertise.”

 Many think the data was lost during the recent transition from college to university status since mounds of records were tossed and ancient files hauled to the dump.

Tenure is the magic status that allows faculty members to do whatever they want without having to answer to the people who write the checks at the college. Some students have attained a kind of backdoor tenure at WSCU by taking six or seven years to complete a four-year curriculum.

A strip search, planned for on-campus dorms was canceled Friday after threats from the Civil Liabilities Union. Legend has it that the tenure records were engraved on two sets of stoned tablets believed to be sent down from W Mountain (www.mountain.com) after one football coach or the other led the Department of Kinesiology out of slavery at Adams State College (splitting Blue Mesa in two in a diversionary tactic aimed at approaching Gunnison from the west). Unlike its rather weak and suspicious Red Sea counterpart the entire incident was filmed by a fisherman from Oklahoma who has reportedly been indicted for blackmail and employing live bait in a restricted area.

A popular film, entitled The Ten Regents loosely chronicles the event. It stars Charlatan Festoon and will be presented during NRA Week on campus in October.

A reward in the form of tuition credits is offered for the return of the sacred chest/taberbacle.

– Jack Spratt

“The only bull I know who carried his china closet with him.” – Winston Churchill in reference to then Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, the arrogant, puritanical architect of American foreign policy after World War II

ROCK SOUP

New Rage: Canine tattoos – Subtle yet alarming! Non-Partisan! Tariff free! Say something to someone you love. Dag Katz, Auras and Firmaments, Pinkyville Armory.

Odor de Carne Perfume selling well in many South American cities. Franchises now available in U.S. and other emerging countries. Look for our colorful bottles where you buy tar and feathers.

According to a new directive from the Fascist Cartoon Coalition (FCC) everyone must have an Official Big Boy and Girl Journalist’s card to blog in 2019. Yes, we sell them here Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9 till noon. Please be advised that coffee breaks, branding sessions, flapjack competitions, field trips, weddings, employee parties, retirement celebrations, wine tastings, birthdays, surprise pregnancies, professional seminars, and early lunches take precedence over your silly attempts at creating lasting communique or heaven forbid, lasting literature. $99.99. Now go away.

Off- Season in Aspen! Cro-Magnon Ski Weak has been canceled due to conflicts with other special interests such as Thai Realtor Ski Week, Open-heart Surgery Survivors Ski Week, Pandora Double-wide Ski Week and Bad Decoupage Ski Week. We regret the interruption of our rituals dating back to the Druids and the Book of Kegs.

Gout sufferers get 20% off all Norwood motel accommodations through April. See our ad in the Jello Pages.

Genuine Salvation Army issue Apex Meatloaf conveyor. One owner. Was $7706, now haul it away for as little as $379. Also looking for elk foot manipulation device, antique coal-fired engine block heater and someone to work Sundays. Specializing in sun shoes and snow glasses. Motion For Motion and Lotion, Gunnison.

Aerial color photos of your ego! Inflation slightly extra. Colona Barnstorming & Supply.

FDA, the Future Deadbeats of America will be hosting a benefit dance for Minnie the Moocher followed by a field trip to Minnie’s jacuzzi. Everyone is invited.

Notice: March 7 is/was Polaski Day. You may have missed it again.

Now you can workout over the internet without all that time consuming sweat equity and commitment to regular routines. No trolls, clones or robots. For more go to www.workoutonline.org

Regain some sense of balance in your life by portraying famous Saturday morning cartoon characters at grocery store openings, barbecues, birthday parties, lynchings. Weekend work. Will train. Elmer Fudd Agency, Wimpton By-Pass.

Lose weight through exercise and a balanced diet. Too good to be true? Send $50 for complete program with easy to follow directions. Send cash only to Mother Cline Slides, 2121 Shriner’s Convention Way, Dysphagia, PA.

Is your dog or cat having trouble falling to sleep? Read them the San Juan Horseshoe. It’s chucked full of articles and features produced with pets, and all animals, in mind. Pick one up where you buy canned pet food room freshener.

Will the woman who purchased the Holy Grail at a weekend garage sale please call us and let us know who wrote the lyrics. We’re a rock and roll band and we need to learn some new songs. The Rectal Thermometers, Sapinero. PS: We need a bass player for this weekend. No zits or bad attitudes. Musical abilities forgiven.

The answer to our February Semantics Challenge is orgiastic carnival. Please hold onto your pink receipts. A winner will be announced on June 32.

Anyone possessing information regarding illegal sheep shearing operations in Montrose County should call the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Television before noon on Thursday. You may remain analogous. High level security clearance necessary to claim reward.

Attention hackers: tarzanandjane.com will be shut down until July 15. At that time we will restart as cheetahandjane.org. We regret any inconvenience that we have caused ourselves over this matter. Ungawa Google. No cell phones. No Irish.

Mercenaries/carpetbaggers needed to man heavy equipment as part of Mike Pence’s Invasion of Canada. The entire operation should last until the hockey strike is settled or until the entire Canadian National Health Care Program can be dismantled and hauled back across the border somewhere between Antlerand Lignite, North Dakota. Anyone wishing to secure hotel accommodations in Oxbow, Saskatchewan is encouraged to call the local chamber of commerce. Send resume to Toronto or New York offices in Indianapolis or just show up ready for work on May 15.

Lost: Family size tub of salsa near Ironton Park Transit System last Wednesday. If found please return to E. Muffin, c/o Rasta State Food Bank of Boulder.

Red: I checked the work release list for May and you’re not on it. Still want to take me to the prom? I get paid on the 15th – Happy.

Reasonably attractive Voronezh weight lifter seeks submissive male for field trips, possible dinner. American preferred. Blind Box 445, Voronezh, Russia.

Sick of credit card reps crashing your funeral? Pay before you go with IDIOT CARD. It’s simple: We take out the exact amount of money that we think you might spend per month and put it away for estate settlements, unforeseen medical bills, late in life barmitvahs and gambling debts. Offices in major cities worldwide and in Grand Junction.

Need someone to walk my plants while I’m in California for spring run-off. Nikkie at San Miguel Symbiotics.

Will the dashing mariachi bagpiper who stole my purse please return it to the Happy Face Meat Packing Plant before noon. I know you only borrowed it because it matched your kilts. I’ll buy you lunch – Baghdad Betty

Found: Expensive looking wedding ring. Still attached to left hand of large, ill-tempered woman who refuses anything that’s reasonable. Need the assistance of experienced surgeon. Will split take. Mack the Hack in Ridgway.

Learn to talk like someone from the north woods. $15. We bring the beer, you bring the fish – unless you can’t swim. Hurdy-hurdy. Terrell LaBatt.

Don’t miss The Lost Horizon performed live by the original cast during the Ides of May. For tickets and information call the Shagrila Theater in Pea Green.

Sick of all the hassles associated with bourgeoisie recycling and related mantras? Call Renaissance Man Refuse and we’ll sort your trash for you. That’s correct! In just four short days all your debris will be delivered back to your residence or business in handy, clean, compact, hermetically sealed little garbage bags ready for the recycling bin. Our rates are reasonable and our technicians are college educated. Why fool with messy recycling ever again! Renaissance Man Debris, Wimpton Bay Road.

For sale: Genuine backwards alphabet flash cards. Perfect gift for the drunk driver. Buy before June 1 and we’ll throw in a license and registration rolodex. Syd Farhd Enterprises, Delta, CO 81416.

FOR SALE: Heavy duty perambulator. Used only during the Cultural Revolution. Will trade for sleazy capitalistic rock and roll recordings in comparable condition. Jim Bob “Slim” Wong’s Trading Post, Manana.

Antique piano to give away. This baby may have seen action at Chancellorsville for all we know. We can’t stand to see it just sit here collecting dust humming a sick rendition of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”/”Dixie”. It won’t work with barbershop tunes but could be a fine addition to the parlor. Eats hay and oats but has a keen attraction to Dutch caviar when nobody’ around. Box 8, Horseshoe.

Schleswig-Holstein bull seeks mate for companionship, possible romance. No dairy cows. Send photograph and short bio to Alsace or Loraine, Colona Tenderloin.

Our locally grown hens lay humidor baseballs at the rate of about sixteen per nine innings. (Slightly more during night games.) Winner take all. Can be stewed too. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Major Fields, Denver Bears.

One coconut…three Polynesian quasi-conversions. Can’t believe it? Send $25 and find out today!

Part-time organist needed. Send resume to Colorado Rockies. Prefer someone well versed in relief pitching analysis. Bud at Coors Field.

Communist Party Girls for any occasion. Some looking for rich, good looking men in fur hats. Phone Sexists welcome. Pravda Night Scene, Moscow.

Surrogate joggers needed to fulfill health fantasies of workaholics. Send recent times in the 440 and mile relay to Armageddon Athletics, Roadtown.

The state of Colorado is seeking bids for the acquisition and deployment of some 2000 gallons of that blue toilet stuff before tourist season. Rivers affected are as follows: The Gunnison (400 gallons), The Uncompahgre (300 gallons), The San Miguel (300 gallons), The Slate (150 gallons), The Animas (600 gallons), The Dolores (300 gallons). A successful summer tourist season starts with clean rivers and streams!

Telluride Time Tips by Tina will not be appearing this month as Tina is still busy getting her 2018 Christmas gifts in the mail. “The post office is so slow, you know,” said Tina.

Bagpiping enthusiast seeks potential mate familiar with a cappella performances sans kilt. Stable Charley at Buffalo Loins.

Don’t forget: May 25 is the final deadline for refunds from the 2017-2018 Unused Firewood Tax Credit Act. Stop by your local cornhouse for more.

FREE fertilizer. Well aged through the winter. Some believed to be lynx and bull moose. Silverton Town Park. Open dawn to dusk. Bring a bucket.

Scapegoat milk and cheese. Will deliver in county. Crossfire Farms. Located just north, west or south of the Montrose Airport runway.

The Gunnison County Association for Fallen Away Irishmen is holding its annual bake sale during National Tavern Month. Free pickled eggs, bean dip and a ride home with purchase over $50.

Druid folk tales analyzed by official looking persons in white coats and plastic stethoscopes filled with custard-like substance akin to menudo with braised haggis. Want to know more. Call the Plow and the Star Tavern, Cambridge, MA  02139.

Jane: I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight. You bring the cheesecake – Martin.

New proof: St Patrick goes perch fishing with Santa Claus, Kid Valentine and the Easter Bunny all summer.

Chronic Sandbaggers: Apply today for seasonal work in Gunnison, Delta and Durango. Bring a shovel, boots and that winning smile.

Beginning June 10 local police units will apprehend suspected enemies of the state for deployment to summer camps all across this great land. If you are an enemy of the state kindly be packed and ready to go by late June 1. If you do not know if you are an enemy of the state please call your local law enforcement cartel. Thanks.

Snowman in Colombia

Despite no snow in these mountains they still build snowmen.

School Lunch Menu

Montrose School District, January, 2018   

Public service announcement

Monday:

Salad of Mallard, Foie Gras, Orange and Aniseed

Jerusalem Artichoke Soup

Lobster Cocktail with Pesto

Veal with Blackberry Sauce

Onion Risotto

Lavender Crème Brownie or French Beignets

Taylor Fladgate (15 year)

Tuesday

Tapas Plate

Roasted Kumamoto Oysters

Dinkling Green Red Leg Partridge

Peruvian Potatoes Puree

Late Season Fennel with Smoked Apple

Pressed Goat Cheesecake

Conco y Toro Sauvignon Late Harvest (Chile)

Wednesday

Beetroot salad

Young leeks

Loin of Monkfish Wrapped in Butter Puff Pastry

Braised parsnips

Forest Mushrooms with Walnut Parsley Fried Rice

Bahian Coffee and Petit Fours

Martel Cordon Bleu

Thursday

Escargot Pot de Crème

Carpaccio of Cauliflower

Langouistin Ravioli

Skate Cheeks Tempura

Maple-glazed Thumbelina Carrots with Macona Almonds

Clotted Cream Éclairs

Flaming Brandy Punch

Friday

Ahi Tuna Nicoise Salad

Pomme Frites with Truffle

Beef Tournedos with Port Wine and Stilton

Rack of Lamb with Sauce Paloise

Tomato Fondue

Chocolate Sorbet

Remy Martin XO

Cigar selection: Arturo Fuente or Macanudo

An Evening at the Harcourt

When we hit Dublin, it was still raining from the year before. The pastel gray Liffey blended with the faded gray alleyways peppered with foggy people in wrinkled long coats and proficiently ducked heads. Umbrellas were on every street corner. No frowns on crowded O’Connell Street. Hard to tell what evil lurks behind the walls of nearby Dublin Castle, for centuries a symbol of British control.

“The weather here has only been like this since about 300 AD said Richard Kelly, the same man who at the Harcourt bar assured us that the Dublin City Ramblers would perform at nine, ten o’clock at the very latest.

“It’s a week night and the people of Dublin have to work in the morning,” he smiled, embracing a Paddys. “Besides, by Irish law the pubs must shut their doors and half past ten.”

We had only arrived that afternoon, after a groggy trip from Denver. The only thing less appetizing than airline food is airline sleep.

“What do you mean you don’t have Cork Gin? What kind of airline is this anyway?”

The taxi ride to Tavistock in Ranelagh was an eye opener as our driver, Brian, covered 2500 years in about 15 kilometers.

“That’s the General Post Office and the Ha’Penny Bridge. There is Steven’s Green and Trinity College, and over there is the eternal flame to the famine victims.”

Everywhere people hurried about, a Saxon city, a Viking city, a Norman city, the Pale…now back in the hands of the ancestors of Repeal, forced emigration, landlordism. The survivors of a terrible potato famine, slow murder by unofficial Parliamentary decree. A place on the landscape.

But we were here to drink pints of Guinness, not dwell on the pains of my ancestors. (“No, I’m not here to find my roots…I’m here to find a good seafood restaurant.”) We stepped into a three-story pub off Parnell Road. We had been coached by the wise…the Dooleys, the Walshes, the Sullivans, the Healy’s.

“When you’re in Ireland and you’re thirsty, step up to the barman and simply ask for a pint,” they had told us. “You don’t need to say a pint of what. They will know what you’re after, and they will appreciate your knowledge of local custom.

We stood at the bar and were greeted by a redheaded colleen who could have been the Young Ireland poster girl.

“What’ll ya have?” she asked.

 “Two pints,” I answered as Tuatha De’ Danainn might have done.

“Of what? was her curt response. It turned out she was an American student, unfamiliar with drinking manners and, as it turned out, much of the noted social curriculum at all.

“Did ye rent the hair too?” Slight disappointment overcome with the arrival of the dark stout. Where is The Gingerman, Sebastian Dangerfield, when we need him?

“Maybe a nap would put us in league with Dublin’s lovely night life,” someone suggested.

By now it was approaching seven and already dark on the shores of the Irish Sea. Strolling with the flow along Grafton we came upon the Harcourt and a sign in the window: “Tonight: The Dublin City Ramblers. What good fortune. These people put on one hell of a show. I saw them in Boston some years back. What a fitting arrival to Dublin’s fair city.

We walked into the bar and were greeted by soccer on the big screen, (they call the game soccer here so as not to be confused with Irish football, hurling, rugby, or even horse racing, which, along with swilling the Product, makes up the recreational side of this culture.) The pub was full of men in suits who forgot to come home from work that evening. My beautiful companion began receiving offers of marriage right there at the bar.

“I don’t usually do this but in your case I will have to make an exception…”

Then the first of many pints arrived at my thirsty elbow. I acknowledged the gift, raising my glass in the direction of my benefactors.

“My name is Richard,” said the big man to my right, “and this is my mate, Tommy.”

We exchanged the basics, marinated in room temperature Guinness. The duo, with their British accents assured us that the band would begin any moment now. It was 8:30 and the pubs had to close and all.

As it turns out Richard and Tommy were in the British Army together during the 1970 Troubles in Ulster. Both were the off-spring of Irish parents who fled the starvation economics of their own country for better conditions abroad, in this case Liverpool. When the two were old enough the army looked to be the best prospect and they joined. Both volunteered for duty in Derry, a decision that continued to haunt them. Now both lived in Dublin.

“It all makes little sense,” I offered, “to hear you scream Some Say the Devil is Dead with a cockney accent.

As a gentlemen in Rosscarbery would later explain it: “Layers, laddie, layers.”

Finally, the band arrived on the stage and played until about 2 am punctuating their rowdy performance with the Irish National Anthem. A Nation Once Again. The two of us got lost by the Grand Canal, going home. It was still raining.

“The Canadians are attacking! Run for your life!”

– Mr. Hat in the film South Park