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View from home

A view of the sweeping pasture, mesas jutting out, Storm King, deer and elk enjoying an evening sack. Then the river valley closes up on itself and surrenders to the massive San Juan Cordillera to the south.

BABY BORN WITH DUCT TAPE

(Montrose) A healthy 10-pound baby boy was born this morning at St Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital here. While that is not so strange in itself, what is baffling scientists has to do with his cargo.

Moments after the delivery, while the medical personnel were busy tidying up…out popped a roll of gray duct tape. First it hit the operating table, then the floor. Everyone stood silent, amazed at witnessing what would certainly be chronicled as medical history.

The parents, Wendel and Suriname Pritchard, of Naturita could not explain the phenomenon either and, overwhelmed by their first child, didn’t seem too upset.

“When my sister-in-law gave birth to a little girl back in 1997 up in Ideeho she got a little bonus too,” smiled Pritchard. “She arrived with a full metric socket set. I guess it just runs in the family.”

Pritchard added that his brother threw the sockets out because they didn’t fit his Ford pickup.

It was not clear what the family would do with the tape but already hundreds of hardware companies have forwarded presents in apprehension of possible endorsements down the road.

– Susie Compost

La escalera mecánica encantada del aeropuerto envía a los pasajeros que vuelan

(Colona) La única escalera mecánica conocida del condado fue “destruida” durante la hora punta el viernes, enviando a pasajeros desprevenidos que volaban y su equipaje suspendido en el fino aire de la montaña.

El incidente, atribuido a la piratería de venganzas por parte de técnicos en informática en huelga en el Aeropuerto Internacional de Colona, ​​resultó en sorprendentemente pocas lesiones pero retrasó las salidas de vuelo en tres horas. El vuelo nocturno de la fiesta a Nucla fue castigado con la carga completa de pasajeros redirigida a Naturita.

Los bomberos rescataron a un viajero colgado de una viga de vigas de madera falsa, mientras que una familia de Durango tuvo que ser rescatada de un puesto de control de seguridad dañado que de alguna manera se había inundado durante el percance.

De acuerdo con los ciberdelincuentes que se encontraban en la escena, el mecanismo que fluía se detuvo bruscamente, luego se agrietó, giró, gimió, se inclinó y saltó, arrojando a los viajeros por los aires.      “Fue todo un espectáculo”, dijo un vaquero jubilado que comparó la experiencia con un toro loco y mecanizado que enloqueció.

Los expertos de Federal Aviation fueron despachados rápidamente para observar el desorden de la banda de rodadura enredada y los escalones de la escalera mecánica inconexa. Ninguna de estas personas se sentía cómoda inhabilitando escaleras mecánicas deshonestas y se fue a almorzar.

Varios dijeron a The Horseshoe que el desastre había sido causado por vacas locales pisoteando la infraestructura de ciber óptica. Prometieron instalar un radar de advertencia de fibra coaxial en un intento de ser más astuto que el elemento bovino.

Los lectores pueden recordar un incidente similar en 2016 cuando la fuente principal del mezzanine del aeropuerto se enchufaba y explotaba, enviando aspersores de alta presión y escombros hasta la ciudad. Después de una investigación exhaustiva, quedó claro que alguien había tirado varios rollos de papel higiénico en lo que se clasificó como un crimen de odio no terrorista.

La instalación aeronáutica se cerrará hasta que la escalera mecánica esté deshuesada, desprogramada y pacificada. Se insta a los peatones a subir las escaleras hasta nuevo aviso.       – Gerry Mander

Iguana Soup Recipe

After countless requests we have finally secured the authentic recipe for IGUANA SOUP, heralded in many parts of Central America as the ultimate hangover cure. Read on…

Take one regular size deceased iguana (skinned) and prepare in accordance with NAFTA specifications regarding birds and lizardry. Remove tail and set aside. Boil iguana on high for about an hour until it shrinks approximately 20%. Retain water. Add yucca, spuds, maize (if you can’t find maize use household corn), onion, garlic, jalapeno peppers and passion fruit seeds. Place animal back in pot and simmer for about three hours until meat falls from bone. Garnish with tail. Serve in brandy snifters or mate gourds. Enjoy.

Thirsty in Kenmare?

The Horseshoe Pub in Kenmare offers genuine Irish hospitality. Photo by Maureen Haley

Spring Dining Guide

MO’S TOWN SOUL FOOD CAFE, “Where we turn over the tablecloth for you,” (3763 Indian Massacre Blvd. Wimpton). Mo has been around since they built the Riverside Snowshed and she’s been feeding people even longer than that. The pre-Mon-troid cuisine includes Franco-American Spaghetti, frozen TV dinners, assorted frozen pot pies, bologna sandwiches and fish sticks. Why eat at home when you can dine out? Try Mo’s- “Where the Can is King!”

THE KENNEL LOUNGE, (Sapinero Center). How about Birdseed Etouffe or Turtle on the Half Shell? It’s all here! Kibble Quiche, Bones Rockefeller or Magpie Pie. All entrees served in a dirty dish out on the back stairs. Reservations discarded.

NAUTILUS STEAKHOUSE, (Ophir Loop North, two blocks from the dump). Finally someone has combined the fitness rage with the eating obsession. After a brief orientation, diners find themselves inhaling pepperoni pizzas during sit-ups as well as baked potatoes and 1/2 chicken during aerobics. Pot boys in muscle hats, too! Developed by Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of “Feel Good Fat,” which is on sale in the lobby. Get “The Doc” to autograph your copy. He’s probably in the bar.

CHATEAU MARMOT, Redstone. Ribs by the truckload. All you can eat by the hour, day, week or month. Three corpse meals from $6.50. Omelets so tasty you’d never know they use powdered eggs. Prime Squid is just $11, while New York Snake goes for $9.95. “Bodacious vittles” says Omar Whelp of “Popular Mechanics.” “Plenty of empty tables,” says Sue Croppy of “Woodworker’s Anonymous.” Closed February.

NICK’S ASBESTOS LOUNGE, Cahone Flagship. “Give them two or three stiff drinks and they won’t criticize the food.”- Nick Pelaruskas. Specializing in entrees that begin with “E”. Eggrolls, eclairs, escargot, enchiladas and eel are some examples. 40 percent gratuity required with groups of more than one. “ Dirtiest kitchen in the San Juans.”- Health inspector.

OUR PROMISE TO YOU: IF YOU CAN EAT AFTER READING THIS NEWSPAPER WE’LL BUY YOUR DINNER AT ONE OF THE RESTAURANTS LISTED ABOVE.