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TRAFFIC REPORT

(Continued from page 4)

fell dead asleep at the wheel, his foot lodged in a contorted position, pressing firmly against the accelerator. The 1959 Buick then proceeded down Main Street, crossing the intersection at Townsend and headed east at an estimated speed of 83 mph. Knocking economy cars and pickups out of its way like they were toys, the runaway Buick wreacked havoc throughout the downtown district, uprooted trees, slamming into curbs and sending pedestrians scurrying for cover. Fortunately, no serious injuries were reported.

     Continuing its hellish trek eastward, the Buick managed to take out a row of new cars at one car lot and skidded out of town sideways on Highway 50, its driver snoring away peacefully. Finally, as if by heavenly intervention the Buick turned off from the main thoroughfare, climbed the hill and ran out of gas in the parking lot of the Black Canyon National Park.  Assault rangers arrived hours later and fired a volley of a pee-shot from their special issue squirrel rifles (with silencers) into the offenders’ windshield.

     Police arrived on the scene the next afternoon and and cited the driver for leaving the scene of an accident and for not wearing a seatbelt.

Inventor de Beenie Weenies aplastado por camión de cemento

(Cimarrón) El titular lo dice todo y, aunque no hubo testigos oculares, la conjetura es que el Abdule “Mickey” Silkworme, de 98 años, debería haberse puesto un poco más de pie.

Justo momentos después del impacto, Silkworme fue sacado de la autopista 50 y llevado al Hospital Memorial St. Roscoe en Montrose. El conductor del camión, sospechoso de estar conectado con cargos de golpe y fuga, ya que no estaba en ningún lado, no fue identificado.

“¿Cuántos camiones de concreto pudieron haber en las cercanías en el momento del choque?”, Preguntó un diputado local. “Encontraremos a la persona responsable y desconectaremos su enchufe”.

Se espera que Silkworme sobreviva (ya que nadie muere en estas noticias). Los familiares expresaron alivio al decir que ya habían tirado de la lengüeta de su ataúd de estaño y esperaban una herencia ordenada para el fin de semana “.

– Sir Otis of Liver

Missing Link “aprehendido” en el césped de la Casa Blanca

(Washington — November, 2017) Las fuerzas de seguridad de la Casa Blanca anunciaron prematuramente la captura del eslabón perdido curiosamente ilusorio el viernes. Aunque parece que el Enlace estaba bajo custodia en cuatro lugares diferentes dentro de fortificaciones construidas apresuradamente en la Casa Blanca

Con solo una silla de playa, una linterna de marinero y vestido con un taparrabos de diseñador, según se informa, el Link escaló una valla de quince pies con facilidad mientras los oficiales seguían direcciones variadas.

“Es como jugar damas chinas sin un chino”, dijo un portero veterano. “Por mi parte, creo que The Link es capaz de cambiar el espacio y salta de una medida aterradora”, prosiguió.

“Lo vi con estos ojos. Él es resistente y de otro mundo a pesar de que puede ser el pegamento que mantiene unida nuestra historia genética “.

Una cuenta de noticias conflictiva lo tiene escapando de la captura y desapareciendo en el Potomac. Una mujer de Maryland dice que vio lo que podría haber sido el Eslabón Perdido cruzando la calle en el Parque Takoma.

Un ex oficial de policía que ahora opera el Centro de Guardería Soggy Bottom en Chinatown dice que vive en un sórdido departamento cercano.

Otras fuentes de inteligencia de alto rango afirman que ha solicitado asilo político en la Embajada de los Etruscos en Virginia.

Esta parece ser la última de una serie de saltos de vallas en la Casa Blanca, aunque es el primer incidente relacionado con el Eslabón Perdido.

No está claro por qué el FBI, la CIA, la Interpol, la KGB, la NRA y una variedad de agencias policiales estatales y locales están tan interesadas en los movimientos de Link, que ha logrado eludirlos a todos en los últimos 20 años. .

“Tal vez el Eslabón Perdido no sabe nada o quizás sabe demasiado”, dijo el sheriff de un condado. “De cualquier manera, su captura pondría una pluma en la gorra de policía de alguien.

-Susie Compost

INOCULATION REQUIREMENT DROPPED FOR UTAH VISITS

(Nucla) Visitors to the the Beehive State will no longer be required to show proof of vaccines/shots according to the Sturgeon General’s Office at Cahone. The long held practice of preventive health insurance was abandoned after the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) were shown to be reasonably safe.

“They haven’t had a case of leprosy in over 15 years and both communities continue to make strides on Dutch elm disease as well,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster of St. Roscoe’s Clinic in Cahone. “We think it has something to do with uranium tailings,” he mused, “but that’s a very touchy subject.”

The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club has already scheduled a prairie dog pancake supper to celebrate the lifting of the quarantine.

“It was killing our summer tourism,” said one member of the altruistic sect.

Red Soyalle, a Basque chef operating Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Paradox told The Horseshoe that “the gov’ment ought to stay out of the commerce end of things and help with the fly problem around here.”

“I hang fly paper and even give out swatters to every adult diner,” he whined. “Why can’ those little balls of snot open their own restaurant? They could serve (expletive deleted).”

Flies often grow to enormous size here but elected officials are reluctant to blame the problem on radium/uranium tailings (see above).

Visitors from Mars and Telluride are reminded that they are still required to carry a visa when wandering west of Redvale. That’s the document not the plastic.

– Uncle Pahgre

      

CB SKI DOME APPROVED BY COMMISSIONERS

(Crested Butte) Construction of the nation’s first Ski Dome is slated to begin in April according to unreliable sources here. Last night’s blanket approval of the expansion by Gunnison County Commissioners was the last stumbling block in what has been a five-year effort secure a permit for the dome.

Over the past few seasons lift ticket prices have increased substantially while improvements have hardly kept pace. Critics of the ski industry, pointing to lucrative use of public property in the ski/real estate formula, say the Department of the Interior should implement lift ticket control like rent control and other programs operating around the country at present.

“The dome will represent these elusive improvements that ski barons keep talking about,” said Melvin Toole, a retired bumpmeister from Pitkin. “Now when people ask why tickets cost so much the lift operators can simply point at the dome.”

Sources at CBMR say the dome, which will cost 3 million dollars to build, will save thousands in snow making expenses and discourage melting due to climate controls turned on at night. The filters imbedded in the ceiling will allow just the right kind of sun into the picture while blocking out the dangerous rays. Skiers can expect perfect conditions every day and plans to operate the lifts 24-hours a day are in the works.

“Wind, blizzards, flat light and frigid temperatures will be a thing of the past,” said Billy Bub Bo Benchmark, a ski area spokesman who courted anonymity. “It will be a lot like going to the mall or skiing on a video game.”

Already local merchants have been invited to place large advertisements on the inner walls of the dome and native trees have been replaced with plastic varieties. The astro-turf arrives Friday.

“The retractable roof lets snow in while keeping many of the negative elements out,” said Benchmark. Three new hotels are planned and a 100-acre parking area has been purchased from the Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons facility at Gothic.”

Construction is expected to be completed by the Fourth of July, unless it snows.

“Now they won’t even have to lie about last night’s accumulations anymore,” said Toole.

“This is fun and exciting,” said Benchmark. “We just hope nobody runs into a wall.” – Suzie Compost

      

Police to man underwater checkpoints

(Montrose) Local police units will be patrolling lakes and rivers this summer in an attempt to catch citizens engaged in illegal activities under water.

Prominent sandbag checkpoints have already been established at logistical positions such as Blue Mesa Reservoir, Ridgway Reservoir, as well as the Uncompahgre River and San Miguel Rivers. Further security stops will be added on the Slate River, Miramonte Lake and at Taylor Reservoir as summer traffic dictates.

“In the past people thought they could get away with breaking the law under water,” said a gun-toting ranger at Ridgway Reservoir. “We’re ending a message to all citizens: We know you’re criminals and we’re watching you!”

     Despite the pleas of Constitutionalists the checkpoints will feature SWAT teams in wet suits authorized to make arrests on the spot.

     “Plus we’ll be filming these episodes for TV,” said the ranger.

     Swimmers, even strong swimmers are warned to be on their toes over the warmer months. Critics say the authorities will give up the whole crazy idea when the first frost arrives from Canada sometime next October.