RSSAll Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Police to man underwater checkpoints

(Montrose) Local police units will be patrolling lakes and rivers this summer in an attempt to catch citizens engaged in illegal activities under water.

Prominent sandbag checkpoints have already been established at logistical positions such as Blue Mesa Reservoir, Ridgway Reservoir, as well as the Uncompahgre River and San Miguel Rivers. Further security stops will be added on the Slate River, Miramonte Lake and at Taylor Reservoir as summer traffic dictates.

“In the past people thought they could get away with breaking the law under water,” said a gun-toting ranger at Ridgway Reservoir. “We’re ending a message to all citizens: We know you’re criminals and we’re watching you!”

     Despite the pleas of Constitutionalists the checkpoints will feature SWAT teams in wet suits authorized to make arrests on the spot.

     “Plus we’ll be filming these episodes for TV,” said the ranger.

     Swimmers, even strong swimmers are warned to be on their toes over the warmer months. Critics say the authorities will give up the whole crazy idea when the first frost arrives from Canada sometime next October.

Black Run at Cedaredge?

One of the "Black Runs" on the Back Nine at Cedaredge beckons the autumn linkster. Beautiful weather and uncrowded fairways

Hold the skis. This is a challenging hole on the Back Nine at Cedaredge Golf Course. Great weather, seasonal specials and uncrowded fairways beckon the autumn linkster.

 

It’s all in the grip (or at least some of it)

One of the key elements to a successful round of golf is the grip. Above we observe the methodology of two local ladies at Dos Rios in Gunnison. Why does cold beer go so well with golf? That has yet to be established as of this afternoon. Local pros say experiments are expected to continue throughout the autumn.

Celebrity Gets San Juan Red Carpet Treatment

(Silverton) A visiting celebrity was welcomed to Silverton this week with a short parade, a windy speech by dignitaries and a barbecue in the park. The unidentified guest ate and drank liberally then, after a gratis stopover at a local liquor dispensary, headed off for Durango on the train in the company of two local ladies.

     “We don’t know exactly who he was,” said one Greene Street shopkeeper but he was famous all right.”

     Cynics over on Blair Street say the whole thing was a fraud and that the man was not a celebrity at all but only “swindler” drifting through the San Juans.

     “That is hogwash,” said a cook at the popular Pickle Barrel Restaurant. “We know a celebrity when we see one.”

     Sources at the Triangle Service, where the celebrity attempted and failed to fill his tank for free, told The Horseshoe that the town had been bamboozled.

     “It’s a good thing he didn’t stay longer or they might have elected him mayor,” said one mechanic.

– Olivia de Quirke

     

Repeal and Replace GOP with:

A loaf of stale white bread

A sack of white potatoes

A transparent immigration wall

Donald Trump’s caddie

Mrs. McCallister’s 2nd grade civics class

Trump’s lawyers and Twitters

Monopoly Board Game rules

5 million poor, uninsured Americans

An  aisle filled with broken glass

A little heart and another can of worms

Kroger Eyes Lake City Super Store

(Hinsdale County) The Kroger Corporation, masked as City Market, is considering an expansion into remote and tiny Lake City it was announced today. The plan calls for a high altitude storage warehouse at a secret location on Ocean Wave Drive, according to a press release received this morning.

As most of us already know it is easier to preserve food at higher elevations. The proposed satellite posting could help the giant grocer make even more money by cutting waste.

“Sure we have to dump a lot of the perishable goods,” explained one executive, “that don’t sell by the date inscribed but those canned goods and boxed commodities can survive forever, especially in the dryer air above 8500 feet.”

Rumors had already begun to circulate the town as to establishment of a brothel on the site due to a small typographical error in the press release. Kroger and the Town of Lake City quickly terminated these circulations.

“Warehouse…a warehouse, although one that will coexist with our historically designated master plan here,” said a town father.

When completed the facility will house eight distinct departments and employ 100 people. Reports that a retail operation will be included in the ambitious projections were confirmed by an upstairs Kroger source saying, “Why not sell groceries. We’ll already be in town.”