RSSAll Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks

(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the early summer.

Late rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.

Most say they are already looking forward to spring.

The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.

Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.

What I’ve Found Out

The public schools may suck but the US leads the world in the construction of private prisons.

78% People standing around waiting for something to happen while 22% others spend the day making it look like they are doing something important.

John Coltrane did not right “I’ve been working on the railroad”

A prisoner/convict can receive reduced jail time for getting a vasectomy in Tennessee

Carving the name Jesus on a healthy pine tree in the woods is not very Christian.

Extending a proposed pedestrian mall from Irwin to Almont might decrease the numbers of tourists currently mobbing Crested Butte.

If you have a flat tire at Snowden’s Meadow the mayor of Lake City might very well drive out there and help you out.

Dr. Pepper is not a real doctor.

The Military-Industrial crowd likes having lots of teen pregnancies and unwanted children running around with unprepared, often desperate parents. It assures canon fodder for their wars.

The saying dull as dish water is the same as saying as dull as ditchwater and depends entirely on one’s point of view

US military presence on Taiwan (Formosa) would be like a People’s Army naval base on Catalina Island.

Most persons whose faces are displayed on international currency are pricks.

Vietnamese rice whiskey is not suggested if one suffers from occasional gout.

The best way to extract olives from their skinny jars in Southeast Asia is by employing everyday chopsticks.

The Syrian War is not a video game.

The Opioid Epidemic (52,000 overdoses in 2015 alone) and uncounted meth deaths are not mentioned in Sessions’ Crackdown on pot.

A lot of people vote against themselves due to misplaced blame and fears promoted by political parties.

Pope Urges Faithful to Play Golf

(Vatican City) Pope Francis today encouraged a throng of believers mobbing St. Peter’s Basilica that a round of golf is perfectly compatible with spirituality and makes a fine follow-through to an hour or so cramped in a pew.

“Sunday is still the day of rest where I come from,” said the Pontiff in his native tongue. “And I find lofting a nine iron onto the green or dropping a 20-foot putt quite restful.”

On the subject of skipping church altogether in favor of more golf the Pope scowled and said that would be between the golfer and his conscience.

“My grandfather played plenty of golf in Buenos Aires and I often caddied for him,” continued Bergoglio, the first Pope from the Americas. “He cursed a bit but handed out valuable, life-lesson advice.

“Once he told me that it was far better to look for the ball in the middle of the fairway, where you hoped it had landed, rather than wasting time beating the bush or combing the water hazards for it. He said it was a metaphor like the Tango.”

Whether or not other Evangelicals will come onboard with this Sunday suggestion is unclear although the Presbyterians and the Episcopates have been tearing up the links for decades. Leading Baptists have flirted with the idea for some time but remain concerned that it might cut into evening services on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.

Readers may recall Puritans Banned Golf in 1677. “Foolish waste of time… Silly, causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases,. Often causes citizens to dress flamboyantly and is not in keeping with the modest dress of a God-fearing gentleman.

Pope Francis, who was never a stand-up comedian or scratch golfer while in Argentina became interested in these skills once he lived in Rome.

– St. Roscoe of Fairways

Sand traps and landfills

Low Riders Banned from Engineer

(Ouray) Persons operating low-rider vehicles, hydraulic shocks, space-age woodies, RVs and ruptured Humvies have been banned from Engineer Pass due to clearance considerations. The pass, notorious for deep ravines and mounds of shale, is a challenge for four-wheel-drives.

     According to the Forest Service and Department of Transportation street vehicles have no business traversing tight switchbacks and manipulating steep grades found on Engineer. Both say simple math can be employed to determine rate of success in negotiating the pass.

     In addition to the hazards of height, many of these banned vehicles simply do not have the torque to make it to the top.

     Hinsdale County officials have yet to decide what, if any action should be taken on their side of the pass. Many feel that if backcountry drivers make it to the top they should not be restricted on the descent. They remind all drivers to check their brakes before starting downhill.

– Atila Higgins

Black Canyon Dug By Druid

(Crawford) The Black Canyon of the Gunnison was originally dredged by a Druid by the name of Finn MacCool while on a fishing excursion to the New World in 1050. Previous studies suggest that the Gunnison River dug out the canyon. These are false.

     According to scholars, MacCool, whose descendants went on to build the railroad through Colorado, excavated what is now the monster canyon quite by accident. Apparently Finn had been banished by his true love (a sweet young thing who operated a bead shop in Paonia and later married a local realtor) and was observed absent-mindedly dragging his massive ash batha (shillelagh) along the very lines of what is now the canyon.

     Described as a cross between Paul Bunyan and Batman, MacCool soon vanished from the region although his off-spring are said to be employed as artisans in Ridgway to this very day.