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Man eating marmots still on lam

(Gunnison) With seasonably high waters interrupting the traditional food chain normally docile marmots have turned on college students to fill the void in their diet. Attributing a host of mysterious disappearances to the rodents local police have promised to track down the perpetrators and restore calm to this once sleepy campus.

     “The real problem here is that students are slow moving targets, easy prey for the fierce marmots,” said one officer investigating the case. “It’s easy enough to imagine a marmot pouncing on an unsuspecting student and dragging his victim into a hole. Although no one has actually recorded these acts of violence we have pieced together  scant clues and are inclined to believe the worse.”

     Items such as gloves, books and bits of hair have been introduced as exhibits in the recent indictment against the rodent population.

     “They may be attracted to bright colors and are almost certainly drawn to loud or obnoxious persons,” said the cop.

     Students have been warned not to go out alone after dark and not to talk to small fur-bearing animals until a solution can be formulated.

     Residents of the town, fearing for the safety of their families after the marmots run out of students, have armed themselves and vigilantes are on patrol from the Mountaineer Bowl to the Asinall-Wilson Center.

     In an official statement the controller’s office expressed fears of lost revenue if the reign of terror continues. Other sources at the college claim that it is tough to measure the extent of losses due to the practice of cutting classes this time of the year.

     “When we call the roll prior to class we can’t  really determine if an absent student has simply overslept or if he has been eaten for dinner. The local chapter of Save the Ravens says the marmot attacks are reprisals for student attacks on crows this spring.

     One academic department, that  of Applied Cannibalism, has already arranged to have 3000 pine beetles and another 200 tons of wood ticks, known delicacies within the marmot population, flown in by the weekend. This addition, combined with the contributions of local florists is expected to turn the tide until the blood lust is brought under control.

– Merv Ditchwater

Lower Blue Lakes. No snow. No mosqitoes?

Accessible from East Dalls/Willow Swamps or Yankee Boy Basin Blue Lakes offer a refuge from it all. It’s better to go during the week when there are fewer flies and the bear are working double shifts.

Fun Menu Ideas for the Welfare State

by Evelyn P. Throcmorton

If things are getting tight around your abode why not look around the room and discover potential culinary treasures that will bring back the joy to your dinner table. Get the whole family into the act. Mon, dad, junior, sis and even grandma can use their very own common sense to help develop a gracious dining pattern even when the wheels are falling off. Here is a sample menu made exclusively of household items that is sure to get you started on the road to good eating!

First, let’s try a sample question: What’s noisy and expensive and gets people in to trouble more than not?  Right…the instrument of chaotic intrusion…the cell phone. Why not “snip the wires” on yours today and eat it for lunch. Good idea, you say…why didn’t I think of that.

However, it’s not very easy. How does one prepare a cell phone for consumption? All you need is a little old-fashioned confidence and a can of lard. (Refer to The Five Chinese Plastic Food Groups for more). Cooking techniques vary with the individual whether in a five star kitchen or crouched in the hallway, knee deep in fortune cookies.

You can bake a cell phone or roast one. Frying it doesn’t work since the phone absorbs grease much like rumors and gossip. While steaming takes the wild taste out of the thing. it often leaves the meat rather tough and stringy. The best way to serve cell phone is boiled. I know it sounds boring but trust me it works out best in the end. Just put it in a saucepan with some sautéed teddy bears and an alarm clock or two (salt to taste). Kitchen match fondue recipe fits like a glove when we’re talking mind-altering tapas or simple criss-cut toilet paper sandwiches.

Some of these dust collector stews are featured in my first book The Pickled Welfare Worker. But now it’s time for our weekly card…our daily soft shoe.

MONDAY: Since Mondays are always a pain in the ass and all the family are going in wild tangents why not bench your culinary talents and serve something light but nutritious. My family jumps for joy when they smell bowling bag au Gratin in the oven. Serve with heaping bowls of mother-in-law soup, goose down dinner rolls and then surprise ‘em with Atari jello for dessert.

TUESDAY: For lunch while dad’s at the office spoil the kids and grandma with telephone books in a blanket, tuna cans on a stick and shoe polish sundaes. They’ll love you for it. If it’s a school day be sure to prepare extra portions since the kids will undoubtedly want to bring their friends home to sample this treat!

WEDNESDAY: Dad’s come home drunk again and probably won’t be hungry until 2 am but the rest of the crew will drool in apprehension when you mention stick deodorant on a bed of wild, spliced shower curtain. For diversity pour over junk mail broth and garnish with blackened trash bag filets with a pinch/splash of worn out underwear syrup. Too bad, dad.

THURSDAY: Everyone needs high fiber foods in their diet. Start with slightly shredded coat hangers on wheat toast (hot wire on a shingle for you diner sloths) with seaweed livers and ostrich lampshade sparkles and discarded lobbyist heart. Follow it up with flaming garage door openers and candied ant traps. Serve only with pictures of exotic desserts cut out of survival manuals.

FRIDAY: Toothpaste burritos and crème-de-la-cara make Mexican night fun for everyone. Even people who don’t like Mexicans have a good time. It’s south of the border night in Winnipeg! For a snappy go-along try rolling up the carpet and dipping in sweet and sour unpaid bills.

SATURDAY: THE ENTIRE FAMILY will flip over our Saturday Night Special of the late Chef Musick’s chicken lips in vacuum bags smothered in foot powder and linoleum crisps. For dessert, you’ll be having razor blade pie with all the trimmings!

SUNDAY: It’s high time to relax after church with dog hair sandwiches and barbecued garden tools (and don’t forget the kitty litter grits!). It’s easier than eating out!

     For a multitude of culinary diversion, see us on the web at



Pharisee to speak

(Montrose) Right-wing spiritual war monger, the Rev. Phil Pharisee of the Temple of Self-Absorption and Tantric Plumbing, will address the piercing question: Does God Have a Cell Phone? on Friday night at the Armageddon Bingo Hall on East Main. Parking is free for the first 300 through the door. Hard facts and cold cuts will be served. Bring a covered fish.

Kryptonite discovered in San Juan Mountains

A major deposit of the rare mineral, Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine near Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of waferboard.

Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued  exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.

Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become instant millionaires in just a week.

“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”

Since last Tuesday  thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice at the Buen Tiempo Restaurant costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business and there’s no end in sight.

Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Zute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Zute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Zutes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.

In an official statement Governor Hickenlooper has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.

– Rocky Flats

Objects on this website are often closer than they appear


(Klondike Basin UPS) The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club, long a bastion of arch-positive thinking in Western Colorado, has dissolved itself as of last night’s meeting. The club, boasting over four members, represented registered voters in the region with its own interests at heart.

The official reasons for the fraternal termination were not disclosed but one member told The Horseshoe that it had a lot to do with the Dugout Wash Grange Hall burning down in January.

“We were holding temporary meetings at Mario Crepehanger’s trailer but he didn’t have heat,” said the spokesman. “Then we moved the whole shindig over to the banks of Rabbit Creek but there’s too much fur around there and them rabbits got spots on their little livers this year. We didn’t really want to freeze or get sick so we all went home.”

Unconfirmed sources in downtown Egnar blame the sad occurrence on collusion among several international gravel pit concerns in the valley.

“Those guys didn’t appreciate the Optimists being around, throwing parties and bringing canned goods to the needy,” said L. Flem Cocklebur, who provided the club with whiskey for the past 15 years. “I think they torched the grange hall to further their own selfish ends,” he spat.

It was not clear at press time whether the remaining members of the club would restructure the organization and press on with the “larger-than-life” takeover of Slick Rock, that was on the docket at the time of their demise.

Anyone interested in joining the club or donating weapons at this time is asked to call Crepehanger in Norwood.

“The lovely patch of land surrounding Guantanamo Bay has for more than a century been a U.S. Naval outpost. It must become part of Cuba again. In return, the United States can have Miami back.”

– Tom Miller: If I had been Raul Castro’s Speech Writer in Trading With the Enemy