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Ghost of Elvis Sets Hot Springs Tour

(Ouray) An upsurge in reported sightings of the Ghost of Elvis is a clear indication that he about to embark on the annual Hot Springs Tour according to parapsychologists here. Some 30 appearances of the hip-swaying apparition have been chronicled since the first of the year, up 75% since December.

“Elvis is the eternal showman,” said Dr. E. B. Tinkleholland, chair at the Table Mountain Institute in Boulder. “He knows better than to try to compete with other celebrity energy is in the air. In death as in life The King seeks center stage,”

Residents here say Elvis has visited both Box Canyon and the Wiesbaden with short touchdowns at Orvis and the Hot Springs Pool after dark. Guests and staff at these facilities say that the phantom has yet to submerge itself into the water preferring to hover above dressed in a plaid kilt, bow tie and white dress shirt. Although harmless to date the spirit has created quite a stir when popping up among unsuspecting soakers.

“We were sitting in the pool at about dusk when the wind picked up and some light snow began to fall,” said one guest at Orvis Hot Springs near Ridgway. “Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared across the water, maybe ten feet away. He was singing the familiar “Are you lonesome tonight?” to all of the ladies present. As one might imagine the visit created quite a stir and the pool emptied quickly.”

The Ghost of Elvis near a pool at Bath, England in 2004. Parapsychologists in Colorado have been charting reported sightings in hopes of more closely monitoring ghostly movements attributed to The King this winter. While most behavior is quite predictable the phantom’s attempts to make a fashion statement with traditional plaids have thrown researchers for a loop.  

Employees there say that upon closer examination they found nothing stranger  than usual going on and concluded that whomever was singing had vacated the premises.

“We’re up to our necks in celebrities, “said one woman at the front desk. “It’s a normal occurrence and most of them attempt to disguise themselves so as to avoid unwanted publicity or attention. Besides in the San Juans these days everyone is a celebrity of some sort.”

She went on to admit that arriving in such a cadaverous state was a nice touch and that the special effects were quite impressive.

“We just wish he would have paid like everyone else,” she frowned.

If the ghost follows the agenda of past years he will spend about a week hanging around Ouray County before traveling to Dunton Hot Springs in Dolores County and Juanita Hot Springs, east of Gunnison. By February fans may have an excellent chance to see Elvis near Valley View at Saguache and Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in the Collegiate Range.

“We can’t guarantee anything,” said Tinkleholland. “Elvis has always had a mind of his own.”

Experts say this year’s ghost seems quite different than the spirit that visited last winter.

“In 2017 the Ghost of Elvis was angry, even vengeful, presumably over the settlement of his estate and the continued pirating of recordings in Third World countries,” said Tinkleholland. “At present he seems to have put these annoyances behind him and is a more lighthearted apparition.”

Despite mounds of data collected over the years and surveys conducted all over the globe researchers remain baffled as to the attire of this year’s Elvis.

“Where’s the glitter? asked the doctor. “We’ve never seen him in kilts before but the name Presley could be of Celtic stock.  “It’s either that or he’s developed a fetish for parochial school uniforms. And what’s with the knee socks?”

Alien Landing Postponed

(Houston) Sources at NASA say projected alien landings were postponed so as to avoid conflicts with the holidays and that earthlings should be prepared for coordinated visits in late January.

     According to data collected from satellites in outer space the aliens plan to land in Canada sometime in mid-winter. After securing a beachhead they will head south. Other contingents will focus on Europe and Asia.

     “We have no idea if these are friendlies or if they intend to take over the planet by force,” said one scientist, “But the fact that they showed restraint over Christmas is a good sign.”

     Doomsdayers disagree saying that the coordinated attack plans were still not formulated and that the aliens prefer a systematic, coordinated effort aimed at dominating the earth and its residents.

     “We don’t think these beings are coming here to bring us fruit baskets,” said the member of one militant group who, along with his cohorts is stockpiling ammunition in apprehension of a battle of some sort.

     A jumbled transmission, interrupted by space agencies here also suggests that the alien activity is of a social nature.

     “We think the intruders are no more than alien college kids coming here for spring break,” said a press release received this morning. “In which case they may not be warriors at all but more along the line of party animals looking for a good time. In this case we should have about two months to prepare for their coming.”

What I’ve Found Out

with O’Toole of the Andes

Jobs in the cannabis and solar industries are more than coal and gas/oil drilling combined but they threaten Big Pharm and Petroleum profits so they are demonized by the right.

Driverless cars confuse the issue in Saudi Arabia. Prince hopes to reengineer country. Nascar popular/women drivers in Riyadh a new concept…

Allowing  the Attorney General of the United States to own a private prison (for young Black men who plea bargained down on pot charges) isn’t just conflict of interest it’s like letting a coyote operate a chicken processing plant and expecting him to adhere to health standards.  – “Keebler the Elf”

Do you think that maybe there is a connection between the US presence in Poppy Heaven Afghanistan and the jump in heroin use in the United States? Remember when the CIA allowed the unblemished flow into Vietnam during the war there proving GIs were indeed expendable. During the Vietnam War it was easier to buy a bag of heroin than a bag of noodles.

Beginning a statement with “Look…” used to be considered rude and condescending.

Sagebrush malts may hold key to longevity…but only if you stay high

Male dogs lie, so do politicians.

Nazis sent their mentally impaired to work camps. We just send ours back onto the streets.

Anti-Christ’s can be fat liars, ignorant plutocrats,  and closet white supremacists.

Unicorns rarely fart rainbows

Most of the world spends a good chunk of the day standing around looking at each other waiting for something of marginal significance to happen. Others sit in offices trying to make it look like they are engaged in something. The rest sleep in the park.

Small batch hand grenades and crude cottage industry explosives, while considered overkill in most civilized societies, could be tastefully implemented when confronted with digital car alarm, barking ankle bitters and blaring radio stations in Armenia, Colombia.

Tropical/Samba makes me happy. Salsa makes me crazy.

Cowboys should be added to the Endangered Species roster.

In his farewell address, Ronald Reagan said this: “After 200 years, two centuries, [the United States] still stands strong and true on the granite ridge, and her glow has held steady no matter what storm. And she’s still a beacon, still a magnet for all who must have freedom, for all the pilgrims from all the lost places who are hurtling through the darkness, toward home.”


Attention organ donors: Please use back steps during all future charitable endeavors and deliveries. The front door in the strip mall is too tight and cannot accommodate larger musical gifts. Sorry but we will not be accepting any pianos in 2018 since they are the instrument if the devil and all. Rev. Ed, Temple of the Metaphysical Constipation and Induced Remorse .

Conversational English for native English speakers will feature the workshop “Butchering Idioms” with Efram Pennywhistle and his orchestra sometime in March, either in Gunnison or Hinsdale County. No one will be permitted into or out of the hall after the performance begins. This means you.

 The Trigger Finger Saloon in Cahone will not longer be serving food in the existing dining room so as to give our customers more room to fight. Not associated with the Little Chef or The Lariat Lounge.Thanks.

CHECK OUT Our Famous Tri-Annual – Off -Season Sale on Fly Parts, new and used .Hard to get parts, rebuilt wings, parts for large flies, legs, head replacements. Sorry we can no longer guarantee the reconditioned transmissions or visual apparatus in the model F Horsefly 400, Series 1963–1968. If one has to live with flies at least live with serious renovations/replicas.

Lost: Silver hood ornament from a 1955 Chrysler New Yorker in Montrose crosswalk Friday. Child’s pet. Reward for return. M. Toole, Wimpton Bait and Tickle.

Need ghost writer(s) to help create at least 50 Utah jokes for my new book entitled Fifty Utah Jokes. No mumbo-jumbo. Mack the Hack, Box 86, Pine Syrup, MI.

Will trade tickets to Barbara Streisand/Iron Maiden Concert for small caliber handgun. Blind Box 444, Horseshoe.

Mail order brides from Mars and Venus. Many domesticated. Send for brochure. Be sure to state galactic and gender preference. Ben Gamone Astral World III, KC, MO 64141

The Department of the Interior is downloading your National Forests! What can you do to stop this senseless sell-out of our natural resources? Send $15 to Can’t See the Forest Fer the Trees, 24 Erosive Circles, Armageddon, Utah

Yoga Flagpole sitting by the week or the month. It’s the ultimate Rocky Mountain High! Classes forming Tuesday. Nets available too. Colona Grapevine Vacations.

Found: Do you own a 1955 Chrysler New Yorker that is missing a silver hood ornament? If so please call St. Roscoe’s Hospital ASAP. It was surgically removed, only this morning from the posterior of a crosswalk pedestrian who should have looked both ways. Contact Dee Catheters in Bionics.

Need self-starter to teach engine block and hillbilly English to illegal employees over at Testosterone Brothers Slaughterhouse. I would do it myself but it conflicts with the evening happy hour. Mabelle, Pitkin.

2017 Tiny Reindeer Jerky will not go on sale until at least February 31. We have only seven this year and are not currently accepting new customers for next year. Please, no more phone calls until after June 1, 2018. Sandra Claus, North Pole.

Annual Bankruptcy Party. Tuxedos mandatory. Can you really prove that we have your money? Who’s On First National Bank, Next to Salvation Temple #5, Wimpton Superplex. No credit cards accepted.

Bright energetic swordsman needed for capon sessions. Must have own car and cutlery. Ima Hostess, Ltd., Manana, CO.

There will be a potluck held at Pea Green Academy on March 15 for all deer and elk displaced by the recent farmer’s season. All proceeds go toward hunter education classes in the fall. Thank you.

Is Karaoke getting under your skin? Together we can put an end to this and other mad, senseless noise in what should be a quiet dive bar. Interested? Send SASE to Quiet Down and Drink International, Milli Vanilli, 1234 Mr. Microphone Blvd. Aurora, CO.

Certified and bonded brakeman with sunny disposition and no felonies will break horses, dishes, wind, simultaneously or at the same time. Small fee for carfare. Blind Box 45, Horseshoe.

For sale: Plastic vomit “prop”. Used only once during fraternity pledge drive. Will trade for bi-focal ski goggles, in-dash microwave oven, and three pool table legs. Act today and I will throw in a one-legged parrot (goes with the pool table) and some old mounting goats that I have lying around here somewhere. Herb Ditchwater, Out Back, CO.

Doublewide? Stop drinking pop. – a friend

Sick of raking leaves? For one small fee we will cut down all of your trees and be done with it for generations to come. Wanderlust Organic Demolition. See our ad in the Jello Pages.

Bach Worship? Uptight piano seeks tough love counselor. Antique. Obsessive-compulsive key counting disorder, fear of benches, guilt over the demise of exotic beasts. The usual. Correspondence accepted at 22 Toole Gardens, on the dump road in Manana.

Insignificant pawn seeks kings, queens, knights and bishops for possible winter games/romance. No rooks. Vegetarians considered. Checkmate Services. Must be 21 years of age or have note from your cat.

Odor eaters anonymous meets every Friday and the LaVeta Hotel in Gunnison.

Free to a good home: “Warren” our often-loving quarter horse-pit bull mix. Wonderful with children if they are not home. Good lap companion just so long as one does not wake him. “Needs his space”. He eats too much for us to keep him. Amanda “The Panda” Phlake, Hotchkiss Sweet Meats.

Earn minimum wage working in a multi-million dollar Fortune 500 company. Glamour, advancement potential, travel, free parking, annual charity potlucks, ham on Christmas. Send resume to American Solutions Inc., c/o Dr. Ima Nuff, Patriarch.

The United States Homeland Security Agency is looking for security associates to find bombs and other contraband on passengers who have already paid outrageous airfare. Incompetent? No worries! No experience necessary. We will train. Badge and uniform for small administrative fee. No international terrorists with weapons or little town grandmas smuggling marijuana will pass! See Mr. Glick at the Wimpton Airlift Hollandaise Inn between March 26 and the end of the world.

Gold Digger SWSB seeks wealthy petrified sponsor for coming summer season. Interests include eating out, recreational drugs and solo overnight trips to Vail. Need own living quarters and private entrance. Access to credit cards and checkbook a definite plus. In return will keep the vehicles filled with gas, will go to liquor store daily and operate remote control on TV. Older gentlemen only please. Send complete financial statement and round-trip airline ticket to Rosie Mogul, 33 Milk Avenue, CB, CO

Kittens for Easter! $550. Don’t wait. At these prices they won’t be around come Mother’s Day and, we don’t have to tell you, the price will be higher in 2019. Yes, we still have a few carloads of wet, dirty newspapers at $150 per pound; earwig infested army tarps: $600 (2 for $1300); used vacuum cleaner bags (full): $800; Mildewed blankets and baby clothes starting around $1000. Much more. Free hot dogs for the kiddies. Catastrophe Realty. 3655882299775544 Road, Olathe. Honk. We got mean dogs and the front lawn is mimed. No Czechs accepted. No Irish.

2019 calendars for sale. Could be worth millions if the world ends in 2018. Syd Fahrtdt, Sassafras Pass.

Warning: Snowmaking operations will continue as scheduled on Molas. Coal Bank, Red Mountain, Wolf Creek and Lizard Head Passes unless otherwise posted. Indications are that the snow will be white. Colorado Ski Country.

So what if the dollar is going down? SEND TREASURY DEPARTMENT SPAM-O-GRAMS this winter! 10% of all net sales will be donated toward balancing the federal budget. Get real! Everyone loves Spam-o-Grams!

International Corporations are Un-American. They answer to no gov’ment and turn your natural resources into plastic cell phones and molybdenum bird baths. Learn Baby Learn, Bear’s Ears, Utah

Need persistent man or woman to sell New York Yankees caps in Colombia. Celery and commission to right person. Jeepers Jeters, Florida Marlins.

Wanted: Persons interested in recycling Pizza Huts, McDonalds, Burger Kings, Taco Bells and Applebee’s into alpine pastures, white sand beaches, thriving wetlands and flowing prairies. Particularly seeking people with access to demolition equipment and recipients of explosives training c/o the U.S. military. See April any day but today over the lunch hour under the Chipeta Land Bridge.

Oral Roberts was a cheerleader before he underwent a sect change operation! Get it? Thousands of great jokes like this one can be right on the tip of your lips. Preachers, teachers, politicians, speechwriters, college professors, salesmen, barbers…anyone with a mouth can benefit tomorrow! Cheap. Cole D. Sack Press, Sand Creek, CO.

Lost: King-size waterbed on Ohio Pass. Call Flo on the other side.

Free to good home: Custom made dentures. I hate the bastards. Acquired in 1979 and used only during meals since that time. Tobacco chewer preferred. Mona Fange, Sapinero Beach Estates.

We think one of your livestock needs a talk show of his or her very own. What do you think? Imagine one of your bovines sitting cross-legged discussing weight loss techniques or a rooster at the end of his seat praising great literature! Dogs and cats eligible too! Send $35 for starter kit to Melvin O’Toole, Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427.

Notice: The Information Highway running from Mack, Colorado to Garden City, Kansas will be closed for paving operations through May. Please arrange to take a detour on roads less traveled during the height of the American civilization, before computers ran everything and people were taught to ignore their instincts in favor of instructions printed in Chinese. Your friends at Colorado Division of Transcendentalism, Denver.

LAME DUCK PRESIDENTS CALENDAR FOR 2018. $50 to Kid Riyadh Productions. Allow 12 months for delivery. Please send references to Hillary Clinton, Rich Attorneys For a Better America, 37 Wall Mart Circle, Whitewater, Arkansas.

For sale: 2008 Corvette – $200 or best offer. Cigarette lighter doesn’t work and although I would never even think of smoking tobacco it’s ruined in my mind. One of the tires is leaking too and the windshield is dirty. Muffy at extension 4, in Aspen or call my cell phone in Vail.

Get a jump on the holidays in 2018! Early morning Santa needed for 1935 department store. No drunks. Must enjoy squealing children and consumerism. Scenes in black and white only. Apply at Who’s On First National Bank Lobby.

Unchain my heart but chain up your bald tires at Tyrone’s Sassafras Pass Gas. Just say “Lift me up, Tyrone.” Happy spring.

Hey St. Valentine: Yo dude.

Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Offer good weekends only. I work during the week. Rudolph.

Rocky Mountain Oyster cufflinks…The perfect gift for the gourmet on your Valentines lisp. $15 at Big Bart’s Back Porch Sushi, next to Ben Gray’s Wild West Show.

Why kill a turkey or a pig for Easter dinner when fish sticks are already dead? – Manny, Holiday Diner’s Quadrant, Chama.

Just in time for spring!

The Fear List (continued)

The updated roster of things to be afraid of compliments of

your feral government/the Trump Administration.

611.  Identity theft

612. Terrorists

613. High cholesterol

614. The Devil

615. Serious hot dog consumption

616. West Nile Virus

617. Bees

618. Government buildings

619.  Black men driving around in cars at night

620. erectile dysfunction

621. illegal aliens

622. Other terrorists

623. terrorists with their dogs off the leash

624. altered fruits and vegetables

265. second-hand smoke

626. broken glass

627. visible panty lines

628.  A Black or Woman Democrat in the White House

629. Shiites

670. Low blood sugar

671. More terrorists

672. Alien terrorists

673. tsunamis

674. new age ideas

675. home-grown terrorists

676. habeas corpus

677. those awful environmentalists

688. bears

689. liberals in sheep’s clothing

Continued on page 41