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Armed robberies down above 5000 feet

(Montrose)) The number of armed robberies committed above 5,000 feet are down from previous months. A major reason, according to law enforcement findings, is the increase in traffic with the onset of winter.

“Imagine trying to maneuver a getaway vehicle with all that traffic on South Townsend,” said one officer.

“Even if the culprit got on the by-pass or tried to negotiate East Niagara he’d be easy pickings for our federally allocated security net,” said another.

Other sources say the drop off has to do with the still lagging real economy and the distractions of the times.

“Remember those two crooks the cops nailed at the Friendly Corner Bar moments after they robbed the Who’s on First National Bank in February?” one security guard asked. “They might have gotten away easily if they hadn’t seen the sign for happy hour and stopped to play cops and robbers video games.”

Another view of these proceedings suggests that armed robbers are thwarted by the fact that there is nothing of worthwhile value on the shelves. Social scientists and political watchdogs agree that the White Collar criminals have already made off with game-changing  treasures, leaving little behind but a cheap tools, makeup or groceries. It’s a knick-knack or a 12-pack world and consensus has it that it could get wild horse worse before it returns to the stable.

“I ain’t going to jail for no domestic beer,” quipped one shoplifter, known for stuffing his socks full of premium miniatures, then buying cheap wine as a cover.

A spokesman for the city said bank robberies have always been a part of our Western heritage.

“Although the temptation is greatest around the holidays we are seeing signs that the practice has taken on year-round ramifications. The perception of a bank full of dollars is just too much for some of us.”

Whatever the causes and ramifications for the disruption of social order the public has been reassured that televised law and order reigns.

“We are happy with the news that these kinds of crimes appear to be diminishing,” said one councilperson here, “but I’d keep my money in my boot and my car door locked just in case.”

– Fred Zeppelin

“Our politicians point the finger south to avoid pointing it at the noses and veins and mouths of their constituents.”   – More Terrible Than Death – Violence, Drugs and America’s War in Colombia, published 2001.


Ruth Sold to Yankees

(New York – January, 1920) Pitcher George Herman “Babe” Ruth was sold by the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees for $125,000. It was the highest sum ever paid for a baseball player. Ruth, who hit 29 home runs last season had asked for a $10,000 salary increase to $20,000 per year. Ruth will pitch and play outfield for the Yanks.

Black Sox Scandal Rocks National Pastime

(Chicago – September, 1920) Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted this week on charges that they conspired with gamblers on the 1919 World Series against Cincinnati. Among those charged were “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, Ed Cicotte, Hap Felsch and Swede Risberg. All could spend 5 years in prison if convicted.

First Winter Olympics in France

(Chamonix, France – January, 1924) Scandinavians dominated the first winter games held here this week. Although winter sports had been included in some earlier Olympics of the modern era it was the first time it was designated as the official Winter Olympics. American, Charlie Jetraw won the speed skating championship for that country’s only gold medal. Jetraw incurred the wrath of fundamentalists and was later committed to a Colorado mental hospital for suggesting that man would someday make snow.

Gertrude Ederle Swims English Channel

(Cape Gris-Nez, France – August -1926) New Yorker Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Channel today accomplishing the feat faster than any of the men who have done it over the past 50 years. Her biggest delay came when customs officials in England insisted on interrogating her before allowing her to come on shore. After arriving at her hotel she told reporters, “Now I believe I’ll have a hot bath.”

Colorado Native, Dempsey, Loses Title Bid

(Chicago – September, 1927) The Manassa Mauler failed in his attempt to dethrone Gene Tunney and regain his heavyweight title tonight. Although Dempsey sent his competitor sprawling in the seventh round he failed to return to a neutral corner and lost five seconds in the knockout count.

Flagpole-sitter loves his job

(New York – August, 1929) Flag-pole sitting champion “Shipwreck” Kelly deserves his title “Luckiest Fool Alive” especially after 35 hours, 12 minutes and 40 seconds on a flag above the Flatiron Building on Fifth Avenue. Once the tallest building in the world at 20 stories the site is said to exhibit some of the strangest wind currents on record. Kelly, a former rodeo star from Norwood, Colorado says, “Nothin’ to it. He plans an industrial pole-sit above the Stock Exchange on October 24.


January Could Stick Around a Little Longer Than Usual

(Whether Channel, Irish Sea) The often-tedious month of January may last a little longer than 31 days in 2018 according to weather forecasters here on the River Liffey. The projected extension could be particularly hard-felt in mountainous regions of North and South America as well as in the Alps and the Himalayas.

Regions near sea level will experience an increase in moisture but no extreme temperatures often common to January. In the higher elevations, Old Man Winter, often represented by a grim reaper type character, is expected to dole out harsh weather systems common to the month in question. This pattern could remain in effect until mid-May.

“The problem originates with a massive calendar catastrophe way back in 3000 BC when Sumerians failed to turn their clocks back to account for a jump in leap years and the solar and lunar eclipse of 2999,” said one researcher here. “Sure it took almost 500 years but the phenomenon finally caught up with us.”

In layman’s terms, it appears that, after all this time has passed; we owe the calendar about 68 days, which would be made up between January 31 and May 15. Concerned citizens are requested to observe an assortment of weather maps available over at the federal gov’ment. Farmers are urged to maintain their regular routine and not change planting procedures or animal husbandry methodology.

“We’re not calling for mass alarm,” continued the weather scientist. “It’s not like sun spots or global warming…but only a simple calendar adjustment and some inconvenient extended winter conditions hanging around a little longer. It’s nothing to worry about, believe me. Sometimes I wonder why we tell you people anything at all,” he frowned.

For further information consult your cell phone.  -Fanny Albright

Drinking and driving is unacceptable

Be careful this New Year’s Eve as the police are watching for alcohol-related issues. Start 2018 off right! Photo of this friendly local cop taken on Big Corn Island, Nicaragua.


Needed: Progressive translator for potential cowboy-new age business arrangement. Must speak both languages clearly and distinctly to avoid miscalculations down the dirt road. Grasp of local geography and cattle futures helpful. Limo provided. Far Out Ranch, Ridgway

Many small town newspapers are searching for verbs and adjectives to use in news and feature stories in 2018. They will pay CASH for just the right participles and rare to semi-rare pronouns. Sorry, no adverbs this year. If you wish to part out your collection kindly contact Mr. Picayune at the Wimpton Holiday Inn between 10 am and 3 pm Tuesdays through January. Hong Kong Word Brokerage, Tacoma, WA.

Are you having trouble competing with television for the attention of your children? We will surgically remove up to three televisions from your home for one low introductory price! If this doesn’t solve the problem in three short weeks we will replace the tubes and remove you and the other alleged, significant adults from the premises. We mean business. Expanded Definition Pest Control. Offices in the West Colona Reactionary Sector.

Semi- Responsible college student needs nice car to drive to school. If it’s a nice enough car I’ll quit school, get a job and buy the vehicle since the only reason I am going to school is to graduate, get a job and buy a nice car. Get it? Please help me since I am not able to get this whole thing off the ground. Muriel, Body Chemistry Dept., Western State University.

Will trade cooler of small mouth bass for blueprinted small block 6 Chevy engine. Sorry our Fords for trout offer is no longer good west of the Divide. Sapinero Sally under the Lake City Bridge.

1995 Cadillac Seville convertible. 5000 original miles. White walls all around. Plush leather seats, top-of-the-line stereo, fuzz buster, wet bar, privacy window, tinted glass, custom paint, new top. It’s not for sale. I just wanted to see what this description looked like in print.

Why spend all your cash on ugly, new snow tires? Drive on our reconditioned bald tires and look forward to a much more exciting winter. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.

Teach your kids to excel in the classroom through shock therapy. Dial 5995.

Will invest your Social Security in the private sector and pay you the going interest rate every quarter. Still a believer in trickle down theories without a safety net? Too good to be true. See Mr. Ryan at McConnell’s Funeral Home. December special: Will tear down your house of sicks and split the lumber 50 – 50.

Still Need: Full-figured man or woman to deliver coffee and donuts to construction sites and deliver newspapers and magazines to thin, chronic recluses all over the region. Jolly Enterprises, Pitkin Lunch Counter.

Attention Ranchers: Are deer and elk eating your hay? I will shoot them for you any weekday morning through February 15. It is at that time that I will leave the Gunnison Valley for the spring eagle hunt in Vernal. L. Vernon Gleason, Mack.

Expert lawn mowing. Buzzes, spikes, crew cuts, flat tops and cranial shaves our specialty. And for those longer cuts call Peggy Sue on the solar riding mower. 1/2 price offer no longer good in Cahone and Egnar. We think you know why. Remember: When it’s snowing the price goes up. Offices in Crested Butte and Maybell.

Learn the ancient art of pick pocketing before the busy holiday season arrives. Earn extra Christmas money the old fashioned way…one pocket at a time. Bonded. In-call only. Alternative Lifestyle Survival Inc., Cellblock #889, Canon City, CO. An equal opportunity deployer.

Cheap hoods, out of work thugs, gang members needed for personal delivery of flowers now through Valentine’s Day. Cash paid daily. Intimidation Floral in Pueblo and Trinidad.

Commoners needed to experience the painful symptoms of colds and flu so that visiting celebrities do not have to. Post nausea counseling a distinct possibility. Also: Ride needed to Mao Clinic on December 24. Physicians Exchange in Saudi Aurora.

Will trade two tickets to the Congressional Budget Balancing Ball for a full-time job. Maurice Dolt, Moline Ironworks.

At a loss when it comes to the perfect Christmas gift for your crabby boss or romantic rival? Buy them a fully sheer, cotton-lined, solar-powered underwear tightener. Then just rest easy. One size fits all. They’ll get the message. Mel’s Underwear Tightening and Birth Control Recuperation Devices, Wimpton, CO.

Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, weld relationships, ferment perfume. overcharge for tire chains, harass fur wearers, break horses, lie to creditors. Retainer only. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.

Need to leave town quickly? Let us cover for you. Professional movers, Discreet. Reasonably bonded. Overnight services our specialty. Bail Out Brokers. Offices in Aspen and Telluride. Coming soon to Crested Butte.

Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s for personal consultation. Medicare in the form of cash cheerfully accepted.

Kittens for Christmas! Really nice cats. $400 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after the holidays. Also for sale this Saturday only: Dirty, wet newspapers: $120 per pound;  Earwig-infested green, camouflage army tarp: $300 or best offer; filthy old vacuum cleaner bags (filled): $650 per truckload; Severely mildewed blankets and baby clothing: Starting at $200; Cracked waferboard: $50. Free refreshments with any purchase. No snails before 9 am. 2266773986655 Road, Montrose. Cash only. No Czechs.

The ultimate Christmas gift idea! Jed’s Talking Cereal Box! Works great if you need a little paltry chatter first thing in the morning. Great assortment of non-confrontational tapes available. Handles verbal abuse well and gets along with other cereal boxes, even the pancake mix! Sybil, Box 4999, Horseshoe.   

Lost: Pair of rather expensive snowmobile boots at the Old St. Lazare Station last month. Of intrinsic value. If found please call Claude Monet. Reward pending.

Handsome, ambidextrous bagpiper will skirl a tune for weddings, funerals, graduations, mud wrestling competitions, breakfast meetings, interrogations, alcohol seminars, brandings, shopping sprees, tree planting, extra-marital affairs, forced marches, military interventions, homecomings, banishments, Muslim holy days, bachelor parties, slalom and giant slalom events, book burnings, race riots, horse races, hangings, exorcisms, engine overhauls, final exams, tooth extractions, instinctual migrations, general wanderlust. Look for us in the Jello Pages under Traveling Bag Pipers.

Self-motivated person with sharply pointed head (and bear ears) needed for drilling operations in formerly protected lands in Utah and Wyoming. Uniform, welcome packet and tools provided. Must be willing to submit to drug test. Mud Pump Drilling, Gillette and Green River.

Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive WF for ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. Interested parties should stop by 567 Indian Massacre Highway any week night. Bring a covered fish.

HAMBONE CHRISTMAS HITS! Let Brenda Lee, Patty Page, Perry Como, Vic Damone, Burl Ives, Julio Inglesias and others slap their way through your Christmas. Not available through sleazy, high-pressure ads on late night TV! Buy directly from the manufacturer. Buy now and receive “The Chipmunks Sing Prussian Military Marches” Crooner’s Corner in Montrose. Now open 23 hours!

Toole assertion of sexual indiscretions reaches climax

Ageless scribe, Melvin Toole (102), has released his final hit list of women who allegedly made sexual advances and in some cases groped him in 2017. Included are Jessica Alba, Emma Watson, Penelope Cruz, Eva Longoria and Cameron Diaz.

Most of the women on Toole’s preposterous roster chose not to comment on the development while several lashed out.

”He sat there at Matteo’s in his too tight paisley pants,” said Cameron Diaz, laughing at the accusation. “Wrapped up tightly in a sweat shop Gap hoodie and matching sweat socks, representing everything I don’t look for in a partner.”

Toole scoffed at the reaction saying she does not remember a night back in either August or December when the two met at a fundraiser for Jerry Brown. The list goes on:

“Jessica Simpson, Megan Fox and Katy Perry acted inappropriately toward me in the summer. I hate being used, being seen as simply sexy and nothing more,” whined Toole. “I thought it was just a coincidence that these women had become aggressive. Then I realized they were networking and bragging about their exploitation techniques. How insensitive…How cavalier!”

One of those under the microscope, Kim Kardashian said, “I only had lunch with him because he had secured a table at Miceli’s. Having been warned as to the development of his table manners I wore a raincoat. Nothing kinky, just something I could easily launder after the meal was completed.”

Jenifer Lopez, Carrie Underwood, Anna Ivanovic…the list goes on. One well-known model from Apalachicola, who demanded anonymity, echoed the responses of the others.

“I once watched at him talking to himself across the largest plaza in South America and that was too close for me. These charges are ludicrous and I think most rational people understand this.”

“He’s a witless moron,” said “Selena Gomez who was not yet on the lust list at news deadline. “None of these woman would come close enough to that bozo to sign an autograph much less engage in misconduct.”

For more turn to Penis Inquisition Grows as more politicians and celebrities are accused of making improper advances toward others.