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VIDA, AMOR Y AREPAS EN LOS ANDES COLOMBIANOS VERDES

La próxima entrega de Amor y Antioquia, que ahora se presentará como una novela (el concepto de la función de juego no generó ningún interés). Pero antes de que me distraiga más de mi tarea inmediata, quiero recordarles que la palabra en español para el día es tierna, que significa tierno, y describe a mi compañero de viaje.

AREPA LOVE Todos los platos en Colombia cuentan con una gran (a veces pequeña) baba arepa desayuno, almuerzo y cena. Es un cruce entre un pan de maíz seco y una tortilla de maíz seca. Solo con mirar uno se sabe que produce algodón boreal. Creo que la gente los come porque siempre lo han hecho y sin ninguna otra buena razón. Pero ellos son tenaces. En su defensa, las arepas son amigas con huevos revueltos y queso, frijoles y arroz o sopa de papa y una ensalada.

RON ANTES DEL DESHONOR Al llegar al Café Latampa en el Jardín para mi café de la mañana, noté que mi amigo Alfonso estaba meticulosamente llenando un gran agujero con café molido de su operación. Lo vi terminar el trabajo y no dijo nada. Jardin se parece mucho a Ouray y actúa como Ridgway en los años 70. Salsa, Cumbia, Tango chirriando de las barras mezclándose involuntariamente con campanas de la iglesia y el clop de caballos sobre los adoquines. Vimos pocos gringos en las dos semanas que pasamos aquí. Incluso menos arriba de la ciudad donde nuestro hotel tenía una gran bañera y dos deliciosas trucherías (restaurantes de truchas) gobernaban el gallinero. Uno de estos restaurantes, Valdivia, presenta a un pastor social muy alemán en la puerta. La cultura es fuerte en Antioquia, aún no diluida por el turismo mundial, que ha afectado a otras ciudades en el llamado camino gringo. Cuanto mejor es tu español, mejor será tu visita.

MUCHO RUIDO ¿Sabías que el famoso cantante colombiano Alci Acosta perfeccionó sus habilidades vocales vendiendo chocolate en Riosucio? (Hogar de algunas de las aves más malas del mundo). Ahí es donde nos dirigimos a un camino de tierra de tres horas en la parte trasera de una chiva (una camioneta con cubiertas y asientos). Sería bueno tener un poco de silencio pero, de ninguna manera; Alguien enciende una estación de radio de voladura de Manizales. El ruido es definitivamente irritante en Colombia, pero afortunadamente trajé mi 5 x 8, super whambo 800-decibal Cerwin Vega alto veces (altavoces) para actuar como ecualizadores amplios.

Ouray Siren Recovered

Sounding off in middle of night

The Historic Ouray town siren, which for years only sounded at noon, is once again in the hands of responsible parties according to authorities here. Over the past few weeks residents have been exposed to extended siren use in the middle of the night for everything from cats in trees to barbecue blazes and it’s not even summer yet.

“First we thought the television police had gotten hold of the thing,” said Melvin Toole of the Ouray Dice Park Coalition. “That would be irritating enough, but then we realized our worst fears when it became apparent that snow anarchists from Silverton had made off with the sounding device.”

Apparently the anarchist element from San Juan County, dubbed White Noise, had set the siren up near Mount Abram intent on barraging its neighbor town with siren shrills all day and night until Ouray surrendered to higher up demands regarding Ruby Wall and dynamite futures.

Authorities told The Horseshoe that at first it appeared that the alarm device had caught a virus from siren-happy contingents in Gunnison.

“It was the same old Boy Who Cried Wolf routine, or so we thought,” said one city spokesperson. “Then, when we met up with fringe elements of the anarchist group at in the cookie aisle at Duckett’s we figured something was fishy.”

“That’s all we need with the tourist cruise ships coming in,” barked Toole.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

“The mind is its own place and in itself make a Heaven of Hell and a Hell of Heaven.” – Lucifer in Milton’s “Paradise Lost”  Blabbermouth Milton was less than concise in his ten books with over ten thousand lines of verse. He could have covered the subject in two paragraphs.

Identity Brokers in Town Tuesday

(Almont) Representatives from the nation’s top identity brokerages will be in town this week hoping to acquire as many as 600 local identities. Once called identity theft, and heralded as a threat to fiscal well-being, the emerging practice of paying cash for people’s identities, now legal, has grown into a billion dollar enterprise.

“Once we convinced the government leaders that it would be easier to manipulate public opinion with many identities under the one roof of corporate sponsorship, we were on the way,” said Norm Valaparaiso, who alone has over 7000 identities in his trophy case. “The Congress passed an amendment, the President signed it off and we began recruiting willing identities right out in the open.”

Residents willing to sell their identity should assemble at dawn at the confluence of the East and Slate Rivers, and bring along an overnight case. Despite a slight drop in demand over the summer and fluctuating interest rates, most identities are still bringing in about $2.39 per pound. Analysts hope that projected inflation will drive prices up and precipitate increased interest on the part of the general population.

“Right now it’s a buyer’s market. They’re scared. They’re waiting,” said Valaparaiso. “I don’t blame them.

Local Woman Wins Nobel Prize

Hack after receiving the news of her prize

(Stockholm UPS) After minutes of deliberation the Nobel Committee on Non-Essential Pomp awarded this year’s prize for apathy to Dubbie Hack of Olathe.

A spokesman for the group, Svim Orsinke, explained:

Vell ve yust could not decide between Dub and anoder American, Al Gore. Den ve found out dot Gore tinks he cares, and tinks he does his yob. He even tinks he will be elected President. Dub, on da odder hand, has never kidded herself on dese madders.”

The monetary prize is traditionally awarded to one who displays concerted disinterest, steadfast indifference and/or a strong and resolute lack of concern for all of humanity.

Dub shot to immediate dark fame after she ran over her grandmother on her way to the liquor store last July. When questioned by authorities regarding the old woman in the driveway Dub explained that he had been in a hurry to get to the store before All-star Nordic Wrestling hit the airwaves. The incident was then called accidental by police and no charges were filed.

Critics question the link between the Nobel Committee and Nordic Wrestling Federation suggesting collusion or at the very least tampering and election fraud.

“She might have made it to the mailbox if I hadn’t nailed her on the way back too,” Hack quipped, rolling her eyes. “What had she doing out there on the driveway anyway?” The woman should have been wearing lights or at least an orange vest.”

When told of the decision Dub said he was honored and inquired about said cash awards.

 

“The gods love the obscure and hate the obvious.”

The Upanishads (800-500 BC)

Cows Showing Off Spring Brands

Branding cows has been part of the Western culture since the first bovines waddled off the tall ships of the Spanish Main. Elaborate or inornate, thousands of brands have been registered and people even make living inspecting the things. Some people think it’s harsh to burn a predominant mark into the side of a cow but actually they don’t feel much. It’s kind of like their logo.

Besides, considering the practice of summer grazing on large tracts of gov’ment land from here to the Utah border (and because all Herefords look alike) it’s quite practical (at least for the cow punchers). How would you like to spend the warm months out in the middle of nowhere without so much as bus number, ID or address book? It’s like a social security card for cattle and maybe a lot more as we eavesdrop on a conversation in a pasture near Montrose.

Bossie: Get a load of that tattoo on Old Miss Elsie over there.

Brownie: Yeah, she thinks she’s femme fatale on-the-hoof.

Bossie: Grazer.

Elsie: Hello, girls. Did you see my new brand? It’s from Paris.

Brownie: Paris, Texas perhaps.

Bossie: My brand is Ralph Lauren. It’s designer, you know.

Elsie: Well, my markings show superior stock anyway. You two are no better than 2% next to me.

Bossie: She wouldn’t know the difference between high fashion and cheap imitation.

Brownie: Oh Elsie, your brand is nice but it’s a copy. I saw one just like it on the sale rack at the Delta Feedlot.

Elsie: I wouldn’t wear that brand of yours to the rendering plant.

Bossie: It’s all right for dairy cows, but not for us.

Brownie: Don’t you think that kind of brand makes her look fat.

Elsie: It cost over $100. What did you pay for that costume?

Bossie: At least it goes with my hooves. That’s more than I can say for your ensemble.

Elsie: Enough about brands. Who did your hair? It looks like it was burned off.

Bossie: Who did your makeup? Old MacDonald?

Elsie: Jealousy is one of the deadly sins. My monogram speaks for itself. Now I must leave. I have a luncheon engagement.

Sammy Steer: Good grass, man. All we need now is to get over the fence into the cow pasture.

Lord Bull: Look at the brand on that heifer.

– Merv Ditchwater

 

AIR SERVICE FROM NUCLA TO NATURITA BEGINS TODAY

(Norwood) Regular daily flights from Nucla to Naturita are slated to start today with the 6 am morning milk run. Flights, which were suspended due to fuel shortages during the Persian Gulf War, will number 15 on weekdays and more than 20 on the weekends.

     According to West End Open Space Airways the planes will hold 13 passengers not counting a pilot, co-pilot and rear gunner. The recently repaved Calamity Draw landing strip in Nucla was pronounced “sea-worthy” last week while crews are busily preparing the historical Vancorum dirt strip for the return flight.

     One spokesman for the newly formed Twin Cities Air Board told The Horseshoe that Hopkins Field might serve as a backup landing zone if sheep fences were not completed by departure time.

     The news was greeted with much enthusiasm as far away as Norwood where anxious residents still await the resumption of stagecoach service from the Paradox Valley.

“I am not a pessimist; to perceive evil where it exists is, in my opinion, a form of optimism.”

– Roberto Rossellini

Human Pretzel to Perform

The Human Pretzel

(Crested Butte) Billing himself as The Human Pretzel, contortionist extraordinaire, Swami Ahswam Deyalsingh, will perform at at six different town venues this summer. The return this year will mark the tenth year in the past eleven that the popular rubber-like entertainer has bent, curved, twisted and otherwise publicly distorted his bodily form, often to the delight of audiences.

The former stand-in and sandwich maker for the renown Flying Farcheezie’s high wire act, the pretzel is said to have more than 300 freakish shapes in his rigid repertoire. Traveling with him are his womanizing chiropractor and a night-blind percussionist who will attempt to musically accentuate pressure points during the tortuous distortions.

If last year was any indication the 12-hour show will be one of many highlights of the Crested Butte Arts Festival which shuts down Elk Avenue for days. Appreciative viewers are asked that, in lieu of gratuity, they simply toss cigarette lighters onto the stage. Deyalsingh will then distribute the lighters to the impoverished of South Asia over the winter.

– Tommy Middlefinger