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National Magazine Lauds Butte

Is Vail Only After the Molybdenum?

(New York) Crested Butte received high praise in this month’s popular Vacant Lot Magazine, a four-color collection of fluff and unabashed promotion of a crippled and dwindling American infrastructure. Calling the town one of the last great locations of white space in north America, the 10-member investigative team of writers and photographers marveled at the number of liquor outlets and real escape offices doing business here.

“Combine these amenities with a functioning ski area and you have a winner in Crested Butte,” harped one reporter eyeballing his thesaurus. “From the crawling four-way stop to the high-speed Silver Queen quad-lift this place can’t be beat. Besides,” said the article, “It may be Vail but never Aspen.”

The ski area, but not the town, was been purchased by Vail sometime last fall although details are sketchy. Happy hour and snow making operations, the lifeblood of leisure time winter sports, will remain a top priority with the new owners.

“No one will ever notice the difference,” said a source from the I-70 Corridor. “Just so long as they get plenty of snow and make plenty of ice cubes.”

Whether Vail will follow through on promises and construct state-of-the-art molybdenum lifts was never clear and continues in that capacity as we approach the Ides of March.

Meanwhile local cynics suggest that Vail is in no way interested in a continued presence in the volatile ski industry. They say the mega-corporation is only interested in the massive molybdenum deposits under the current lifts. Moly, as the mineral is often called, is a steel alloy found (ironically enough) in bicycles, tennis racquets, designer tents and many other outdoor experience products that are a major component of the freewheeling lifestyle common to these Rockies.

“Do you really think a lucrative investment portfolio would be sacrificed in these time of climate change?” asked one long-timer on Elk Avenue. “Skiing is just a front for mining,” said a source at Red Lady Bubble, a sparkling wine outlet on Belleview Avenue. “These fat cats don’t give a tinker’s damn about selling life tickets when they can sell molybdenum to the Chinese.”

The team of Starbucks-in-hand scribes had been scheduled to arrive in town back in August to cover summer festivals but was held up for five months due to road construction on Highway 135. Despite the annoying setbacks Crested Butte was easily named as one of the Forty Great Travel Destinations in Gunnison County and The Top 20 Places in the World To Bring Up a Dog.

– Fred Zepellin

“The bay was shrouded in the grays of coming rain, yet the thinness of the cloud threw a silvery light on the sea, and an unusual depth of blue to the mountains of Connemara.”

-from The Aran Islands by John Millington Synge

Jack’s Cabin Librarian Accused of Grand Larceny

(Almont) A veteran librarian here has been accused of stealing more than $10,000 from Gunnison County. The alleged theft was reported this morning by library examiners from Powderhorn who say they were tipped off due to unpaid utility bills.

Jack himself later confided that, although he was quite liberal with rental agreement, he had no received a rent check in three years.

Whether the suspect is part of a larger conspiracy to bilk other libraries is yet to be determined although authorities, bored during a lull in mass tourism, say that is a distinct possibility. No names were released because the accused thief’s family were once miners.

“The missing cash was found stored in three cellophane bags marked “Warning: May Contain Toxic Ingredients, said one investigator. “Most is in the form of crisp $50 bills with assorted change totaling $10,346.93. It was a clever attempt to throw us off and might have worked if the office was larger.”

Authorities ask that anyone with information on suspicious behavior in and around Jack’s Cabin to call Crime Shoppers or simply come forward. A small reward is offered.

“You don’t need to borrow trouble.”  –  cowboy saying

GOP says it colluded with Supreme Being during 2016 elections

(Dixie) Republican evangelicals say that they colluded with God during the 2016 Presidential Elections in the United States. The stark admission comes after months and months of testimony conducted in the shadow of the Divine and Foreign Powers Act of 1937.

In addition, many say there is nothing illegal about the activity since it is entirely faith based. There is no paper trail including banking transfers, email hacks or whistle blowers involved.

“These people may be conversing with higher powers. We cannot prove it is untrue. Many have imaginary friends but none of them has a pinch of spiritualism. They may think they talk to a higher force but in reality there is no one there at the other end of that conversation,” said a fellow Republican who called the pseudo-embrace of morality fear baiting and warned voters to stick to the issues.

“These charlatans are trying to distract voters from the real issues and grab a few bags of campaign gold from their frightened constituencies,” continued the GOP source.

“Whoever or whatever is responsible for this human predicament mess on earth has certainly taken leave. The very idea that a controlling being would be interested in our election charades is absurd,” echoed another fallen away Republican.

“People without souls intent on saving other souls has stood in the way of man’s natural ascension and has created a damaged, unhappy existence for millions,” said the source. “Up till now phony religion has been the most destructive force on the planet but hold onto your halos…here comes Monster Weather!”

House Democrats threatened to subpoena everyone who talks to themselves but, alarmed the no one would show up, dropped legislative action on the subject before it ate into their lunch hour.

“They will not subpoena anyone from up here,” said a heavenly voice. “We don’t even know what collude means.”

-H.L. Menocken

Please Help Save The Congress

As of this morning many in Congress continue to suffer from Zombie Deer Disease. Most have continued to be absent despite shortages of vaccine and spring weather. In addition, the treatment for the malady is not covered under the current Congressional Health Insurance policy. We are asking for your financial support so as to keep our legal representatives on the job until the plague relents or a more non-partisan termination occurs. Send $20 and receive a Make America Healthy Again in Washington.

In honor of National Apology Month in May:

Correction: In our headline regarding the alarming spike in the world raven population: It should have read: threatens to end GOP sects and not threatens to end GOP sex as was first reported. You apologize for any harm this might have caused.

Broncos Look to Rams to Beef Up Line

As the 2019 football season gets closer the Denver Broncos are expected to invite several standouts from Colorado State University to a summer tryout in an attempt to plug holes in their porous offensive line.

Optimists Report Surge in Membership

(Norwood) The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club had whittled itself down to two dues paying affiliates during the winter. Then one of them was deported to Grand Junction. The situation looked bleak or is that bleek?

One member was not enough to maintain the charter or pay expenses. It wasn’t even enough to reach a quorum or host the Bedrock Earth Ring Symposium. Something had to be done. People risked losing a vital civic contribution from a solid organization that has been around since 1901 or so.

As one later president remembers it: “Then the toilet got stopped up and the pipes froze, the fox got into the hen house, the tires on the snowplow truck went flat, the wood is too green to burn and mighty wet. It was like putting lipstick on figs.”

That’s when the last member standing, Olde “Man” Pritchard, started serving free drinks at the meetings.

“I could still hear the ice tinkling in the glasses,” said new Optimist, Rufus Maxwell. “Then I watched as new members lined up, signed up and paid their annual dues in cash. I couldn’t believe it.”

Tonight, with a confirmed brotherhood of 26, the Disappointment Optimist Club is thriving. The fraternal organization even hopes to rescue its insignia happy face round table and regimental colors from the Naturita Poke ’N Pawn before the end of the month.

The Optimists still need a place to meet, a gavel, some folding chairs and buckets of ice.

“We will always need more ice,” said one new member. “It is our cross to bear.”

“The hospitality shown by brother Pritchard was above and below the call of duty,” said a specially prepared release. “Tomorrow night we plan to offer free gasoline, a tea dance and tax counseling,” said the statement. “That should bump us up to 100 members, a milestone that will qualify us for matching funds from the exiled government in Cahone and a discount at the Yellow Rock.”

Meanwhile old men with caps and canes in villages all over the world stare at arriving buses as if they had never seen such a brazen display of cutting edge technology.

– Susie Compost

“Stand up (to his wavering troops). They couldn’t shoot an elephant from this distance!” – General John Sedgewick, moments before being shot in the face in Spotsylvania County, Virginia May 9, 1864. He had the dubious distinction of being the highest-ranking Union soldier to be killed in the American Civil War.