RSSAll Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Participatory democracy 611

Can you make sense of the political jargon

Can you complete this telling formula?

X + Y + Z =  _________.


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Bachelor Survivor Episodes Shot at Irwin

(Crested Butte) Filming of the popular television series Bachelor Survivor will begin this weekend at the town site of Irwin according to producers and directors. The program, popular with people who are afraid to go outside, will once again focus on local bachelors struggling to make it through yet another cold winter.

This season’s plight involves seven bachelors, armed only with hatchets and loincloths, who must make some difficult choices when confronted with fish tank dating and assorted commitments. Some twenty-eight divas are slated to be dropped into the Raggeds by Friday morning. These lovely ladies, in evening wear, will then make an ascent of the Ruby Range for an expected rendezvous with the bachelors on the shores of balmy Lake Irwin. Makeup stations along the way will assure that every hair is in place for the cameras.

“We don’t want a bunch of disappointed divas with running mascara and broken fingernails ruining the show,” said one crew member.

Due to temporary relaxation of state and local laws on such bothersome restrictions as manslaughter and simple assault the action is expected to peak near the entrance to Irwin and trickle down to the town of Crested Butte itself. The seven bachelors must not only choose the right lady but protect her from the others.

“This is idiocy,” said one Elk Avenue merchant concerned with the message sent here. “For one thing the 4- 1 ratio of women to men is absurd. We haven’t seen anything approaching these figures since the boys went off to France in 1917. In addition, if local behavior patterns are in play all seven of the bachelors will fight over one diva, fouling up the whole plot.”

Persons wishing to obtain tickets for the filming should contact the local chamber of commerce or the seedy money changers that hang out in front of the Company Store weekday mornings.

– Uncle Pahgre

Man Recovering After Falls Leap

(Crested Butte) Local man, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole, is in fair condition after leaping off Coal Creek Falls in nothing but an oak whiskey barrel yesterday. The daredevil feat, lambasted by authorities yet praised by extreme sportscasters, took place at high noon on an unseasonably warm February day. It was witnessed by hundreds of extreme motion junkies who hoped the event might someday gain Olympic status.

Although shaken and frozen Toole expects to sell some 400 photographs of the leap in his Elk Avenue Bistro on Whiterock. What he doesn’t sell will be nailed to trees all over town and up Kebler.

In moments he was picked up by local police officers, and charged with disturbing the peace, wasting water and reckless endangerment before being whisked away to the Gunnison Valley Large Animal Clinic where he is being held today.

Initially Toole’s target was a small wading pond just to the north of Wirtz Falls. Unfortunately he missed the pond altogether and landed in a mangrove of willows and mud.

“The sound was frightening when he hit,” said one bystander. “It’s lucky he was wearing a seat belt.”

Toole himself plans to sue someone over the incident and further shape his fortune. Supporters insist that their hero will settle out of a quart and avoid a juried arts events in general.

Danger existed long before the jump as Toole climbed the 300-foot cliff adjacent to the falls. Slippery rocks and aggressive birds often appeared to have the edge but the persistent athlete, the first man ever to negotiate the Black Canyon using nothing but dental floss and an eyebrow pencil, finally overcame all adversity and arrived at the summit just moments before eleven. As a crowd gathered Toole climbed into his barrel, adjusted his goggles and simply leaned in the direction of down.

“We could care less about all this serve and protect business,” said one local cop off the record. “This clown broke the law and must face the consequences. We’re concerned about the preliminary message sent by this fanfare. Imagine if everyone decided to jump off a waterfall in a barrel!”

While in the hospital the famous daredevil has received thousands of get well wishes and cards. He is scheduled to appear on the Dope-rah, The Daily Grow, Jimmy Felon Live, the David Netherlands Show sometime before the 20th Annual Summer Weekend Festival in Gunnison. Toole is employed as an associate professor of gravity at Western State Colorado University and collects bird houses in his spare time.

– Suzie Compost

Indian Farmers Must Provide Mug Shots of Cows

(Mumbai) A local township has asked ranchers to supply photographs of their cows so as to help enforce the state’s new ban on illegal beef sales.

Most farmers have complied with the request that requires complete dossiers on each animal said a civil spokesperson familiar with cows and incidental paperwork.

Recent legislation has all but terminated commercial slaughter but the new ID program will alleviate all killing and help trace animals thefts too. It was not clear if the cattle would be tattooed, stenciled, branded or otherwise categorized so as to simplify identification.

“When the cows are out of the gate we go into action,” said Maho Charley, a barrister in Mumbai. “Thieves are desperate and despite facing jail time they continue to thwart the attempts of the authorities to enforce legal and customary mores when it comes to reincarnation, fertilizer and often militant vegetarianism.”

Cows in Hindu India are considered sacred just like they are in Western Colorado. The difference is that we eat them and they don’t. Although cows in South Asia often look skinny and malnourished they are happy and free to live long lives. It may not always be pretty but thy wake up every day to eat and poop. In Colorado the quality o life may be much better but the lifetime could be cut short at any time. Whatever the market and the needs of the rancher dictate.

In an attempt to cement a national ban the police need purchase records, ownership details, known relatives, political leanings and net worth of each cow. These are what they are calling dossiers.

“I don’t even have access to data like this for my children,” squawked one cattleman from Malegaon, 250 kilometers from the capital.

Supporters of the bovine information gathering hope that a clear census and consensus might defuse tensions between Muslims (who eat meat) and Hindus (who do not generally eat meat) in the region. Often Hindus become resentful watching Muslims gobble down chicken-fried steak or a burger while they are stuck with Dahl and chickpea stew.

“You wouldn’t eat your water buffalo if you needed him to help plow the fields not would you eat cow when it could be your ancestor,” said Charley. “Selling cow meat is a felony in northern Haryana state and the noose is tightening each day.”

-Suzie Compost

You’re reading The San Juan Horseshoe —  Official website of the Federal Government Shutdown, January 2019.


Feds Trail Sleigh During Historic Trek

(North Pole) A combined alphabet operation by the FBI, CIA, OSHA, ATF and the FDA has produced little according to a report filed at the Star Wars Defense Center on Ellesmere Island. When the feds arrived at the North Pole they found the place pretty much deserted.

“It looked like the terrorists had been making toys and the like for some time here,” said Agent Arthur Rambeau, of the FBI. “They thought they were outside the long arm of the law, didn’t they…Ha! Sooner or later they had to know that we’d corner them!”

The pre-dawn raid aimed at trapping elves suspected of harboring dangerous un-American thought, was concocted by nervous elements of the Shadow Government anxious to get the show on the road. It was approved on fairway number seven by one of the lame ducks White House.

“There’s nothing red, white and blue about myths like Santa and the elves. It’s a negative distraction at a time when we seek to return the United States to Cold War status when gas was cheap and people believed in their elected officials,” said Rambeau.     

The acronymic assault was organized in the Northwest Territories where only polar bears and seals have eyes and ears. It was supported by combined elements of the United States military, which were told they were fighting the war on drugs, although nothing, with the possible exception of walrus fur, thrives up here.

According to the official report, completed moments after initial contact was confirmed, indications were that the objective was secure and that a stubborn rear guard of elves was in custody. As it turns out a heavily armed Ms. (Sandra) Claus and a skeleton crew of commando elves with poison-dart slingshots had managed to hold off the feds for about three hours before running out of Cuban rum and capitulating.

“The scene here is sketchy what with all the snow,” said the agent. “I can confirm that we have about ten insurgents under lock and key but that we too are out of provisions.”

The date for the raid was based on information that Santa and his elves would not leave the premises until December 24 to make their annual round the world journey. However, with the increase in population, global warming, airline agendas and the unstable political climate here the group departed early.

“We knew that Santa was on the hot seat, facing a vote of confidence in the elfin legislature,” said Rambeau. He was probably more secure out of the country than in it. We wanted to catch him (Santa) with is knickers down.”

Conjecture has it that Santa has been repeatedly seen in the company of buxom Lulu Boomer, an exotic dancer from Churchill, Manitoba, happy, despite the comforts of holy matrimony. Federal spooks had hoped they could link Santa, a fallen away Canadian, with a seriously promiscuous lifestyle above the Arctic Circle.

“Who’s going to allow their kids to sit on the lap of an adulterer, or worse a man who is just a little left of Pyongyang,” asked Rambeau. “We’ve been going through Santa’s trash since earlier this evening and we’ve found letters from little kids in Iraq and Cuba, as well as North Korea. We even found a letter from a kid in Serbia asking for a bicycle…Now what does she intend to do with that? Are these are rogue nations undeserving of Christmas presents?” he pouted.

As soon as the situation is in hand here, the FBI and CIA will begin trailing Santa and his reindeer in hopes of cutting them off from these illegal destinations like Havana and Baghdad. It is not known if these actions will undermine attempts by the North Pole to adopt U.S. currency by 2021.

– Small Mouth Bess

Elf Season expected to have major impact

(Gunnison) The 2019 Elf Season is expected to bring over 5000 hunters into the Gunnison basin over the two-weeks of Christmas. Despite conflicts over licenses and access to traditional hunting areas, the hunt is expected to have a major economic impact. Revenues collected could leap into the millions allowing residents extra cash with which to live it up or perhaps an escape to warmer climates over the winter.

Both the Colorado Treasury and the IRS remind merchants that they are not required to report earnings related to elves since there is no proof that they actually exist. Both taxing agencies went on to wish everyone a Merry Winter!