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Toole in custody on spy rap

(Midland TX) Career diplomat and FBI fire marshal, Melvin Toole is in jail here accused of spying on the Trump Administration for the Republic of Freedonia. The suspect was observed taking photographs of the president and his guests at an unidentified donor’s ranch near here.

When apprehended by Secret Service agents out on a routine iced tea run, Toole had with him a set of digital binoculars, a six-pack of Lone Star and a topo map of downtown Toledo, Ohio.

A message from Toole to Freedonian freedom fighters, intercepted by intelligence sources in Texas, reports that “Nothing of interest is going on here”.

Espionage experts at Dreamland Security say Toole has sent as many as fifty such dispatches to Freedonia since Opening Day of baseball seaso, 2017. The experts say he is using a very complex and archaic code which has yet to be broken even though it only uses three letters and the pound sign.

“This information matches up with data collected by other suspected Freedonian agents operating in Washington,” said one agent, who alleged that spies employed every method of communication from homing pigeons to E-mail.

An arraignment is scheduled for later in the week. Anyone wishing to turn himself/herself in as an alleged Freedonian spy should call the White House.

– Gabby Haze

$37 view in Jardin, Colombia

The finest place to stay in Colombia! Hospadaje Rural La Boira offers a spectacular setting, comfortable lodging and a superb breakfast for a great price. Located about a kilometer from the plaza in Jardin, it can be easily accessed by motoraton, a bicycle or your feet. The three-room hostel is quite popular and reservations should be made at least two weeks ahead.

How they voted

Here’s how Colorado’s elected officials voted on major issues last week.

The Adoption of Turkish as the official language

Embraced by 279-143, the House approved a measure to study the fiscal affects of speaking Turkish in the chambers. The now adopted $1.8 billion budget would be placed on hold until the Senate OKs matching funds. According to a bill proposed by M Toole (R-Northumbria) the language requirement would be hinged on wind making technology and the medical uses for sagebrush. Opponents of the motion were furious when told that the road signs and silly gov’ment pamphlets would have to be translated even though no one reads them anyway. The concept of fiscal responsibility was then struck from the record and everyone went to lunch.

Voting Yes: Hemplemeyer, Kirby, Toole

Voting NO: Wanna, Elway

Pork Barrel Politics

The House again refused to change plans to serve pork ribs on Fridays despite the arrival our Arab allies. Foreign aid has not been on the docket since the British stopped sending money to the colonies in 1776. Recipients of foreign aid will continue to be the military branch of government in most cases. World Bank debts were reclassified and can now be collected from funds earmarked for schools and piggy infrastructure.

All Colorado lawmakers voted NO

To renege on minimum wage packages

The Senate voted unanimously to end debate n minimum wage packages, cut all foreign aid and give itself a raise. Extra funds will be shipped to Eastern Europe rather than Africa because the residents are White. Funds gathered from postal fees saved will be used to build prisons and repair holes in the new Vera Cruz and Sonoran Immigration Fence.

Fiscal Relief for the Middle Class

Not enough elected officials in the room to validate vote or quorum unless domestics and limo drivers cast votes.

To Include warning labels of marriage licenses

By 87-3 the Senate agreed to send emergency legislation to the White House for verification and storage. This controversial bill has been on the back burner since 1900. Proponents seek a warning label like that displayed on tobacco products. In addition a kicker requires that all intimate agreements between labor and management be transparent and clearly defined especially in the areas of childbirth and lawn maintenance.

Voting in favor: Estelle Marmotbreath, Fred Zeppelin

Voting No: Electoral Emma, Joey, Sinbad the Baby Gorilla, Vinny.


“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.”

– Michael Pritchard

Flirtations with Fall

Pastures waiting for snow. Colona.

Missouri Exhibitionist Demands Diplomatic Immunity

(Montrose) A Missouri man, in custody for allegedly exposing himself to the local ladies’ gardening club over the weekend, has claimed diplomatic immunity in his defense.

Citing his state’s slogan; Show Me, Horace Moon insists he is innocent on all accounts.

“Mr. Moon was well within his state constitutional rights at the time of the incident,” said attorney Beatrice Buffe of Denver. “He was only adhering to his patriotic duty as he saw it. His vindication is simply a matter of time and, of corpse, my legal fees.”

The garden gathering feels differently. According to the police report, Moon jumped a seven-foot trellis, shattered an expensive bird bath and frightened three small dogs before dropping his britches to his knees and scowling at the perfumed assemblage.

“Then he began chanting, jumping up and down and screeching a distorted variation of the Rebel Yell,” said Marguerite Worthington Bulbous (of the Riverbottom Bulbouses). “I know that yell when I hear it. My father employed the spine-tingling scream it every night when he hit the hay with mother.”

Bulbous, a long-term member of the Unwed Daughters of the Confederacy, went on to say that the petunia crop would probably not survive another monsoon while tougher flowers like pansies and marigolds would suffer hardships in the case of a drought but would live on to fight another day.

Moon, a native of Lamar (also the birthplace of Harry Truman) is known to be “as stubborn as a Missouri mule” according to close friends. A former scout for the St Louis Cardinals, his extracurricular trench coat activities have plagued him since childhood.

Currently incarcerated at the local calaboose, Moon sits defiantly, alone and without remorse in his orange tear-away jumpsuit. At press time the Show Me State has refused pleas to pay his bail, set at $25,000. His trial is set for sometime after Christmas.

– Jack Spratt



Now you can vote at Wal-Mart

(Montrose) Registered voters wishing to do their duty this election can simply cast their stones at the local Wal-Mart rather than wasting precious shopping time at the polls. Along with voting, citizens are reminded that they can open credit accounts, get married, have children, pay taxes and be buried here too.

It sets a convenient precedence according to sources within this framework and “can only lead to more mindless consumption and greater profits for everyone.

“We want to help the average Joe stay very damn average,” smiled one part-time greeter who does not qualify for company benefits.

The Wal Mart voting booth will be open for a week prior to election day so that citizens are not forced to change their schedules and focus on just one day. Information as to how to vote and who to vote for will be provided at the entrance. Persons who have not as yet registered can do so with their Wal Mart credit card.

“People can easily forget that it’s Tuesday…election day. We’re doing our part for this great democracy!” whines an in-store announcement. “And after you vote don’t forget to check out the seasonal items on aisle three.”

Meanwhile down in sunny Arizona corporate militias have succeeded in apprehending some of the last ma and pa operatives in the Phoenix area. At press time there are only a few of the “unaffiliated” holdouts remaining. On the site of what was a great kosher deli is now a chain burger place. It’s the same all over the place. The city without a city has been transformed into chainland. The Phoenix has crash landed.

Although the status of the former self-employed radicals was not completely clear a police spokesman said they “are being de-programmed and retrained for positions as cashiers at a chain gas station. Persons who do not adapt to the masterplan are taken to what’s left of the desert and left to fend for themselves. Some of the unlucky ones will end up pushing lead within their government.

“We’re not at liberty to talk about the situation in Arizona,” said a Wal-Mart voice. “We have a strong economy here too and it will continue to boom just as long as everyone cooperates,” said the stooge.

– Melvin O’Toole