RSSAll Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Toilet Paper Giants To Meet

(Montrose) CEOs from the nation’s ten largest toilet paper manufacturers are slated to meet here next month to discuss the future of the industry. Along with their extended entourage the visitors will bring along over 1000 support personnel. The economic impact is expected to be felt all the way to Colona.

The consortium of sorts is heralded as a great triumph for a multitude of tax-funded economic development committees active in the region. In addition to wiping away many years of antagonism among the principles, the three-day conference is expected to tackle the issue of hemp replacement options as well as concerns over hygiene in developing countries.

“This is a major breakthrough in trade, production and inter-commerce,” said Dolly Sans-Paddle, CEO of Waste Not Want Not, headquartered over in Dung Creek. “The age of political correctness, hydraulics and curious sound bytes has caught us with our pants down and we must be ready to flush our antiquated approach at a moment’s notice. It is no longer sufficient to put the seat up, or down as the case may dictate.”

Sans-Paddle further warned that social media has created an abundance of synthetic fecal matter that is overtaxing our already wobbly infrastructure, especially where the sun don’t shine.

“And no, we don’t like the new driverless toilets either,” she continued, “but they are here to stay and we must respond quickly and efficiently. We must diversify. Failure to perceive the future could easily send many of our loyal customers back to the bucket or the car wash.

Insiders told the local media that specific topics to be addressed at the summit would not be released and that the group was quite secretive with regards to its business. Preliminary crews should start to roll in by early June.

-Paula Parvenu

Where is everyone?

The empty bench on Elk Avenue bids goodbye to winter. April in Crested Butte means lots of parking spaces and the remnants of the snow that once was and will be again.

IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds

(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to reduce the national debt, has instituted a flagship program that offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.

The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund, will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government fiscal centers.

“The economics of it all dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys to those people (taxpayers) ,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.

Persons interested in receiving the fare should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs and also how they like them done.

“We don’t trust most people to prepare the ribs correctly and have issued prevenative orers do avoid charred feelings and burned expectations,” said Turnip. “Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” she warned.

Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.

“Pavement hostesses.”

Another name for hookers, ala Dublin (Ireland) cop Connor ‘Lugs” Branigan.

CB, Gunnison and Almont among best towns in county

(Gunnison) Crested Butte, Gunnison and Almont were among the top places to live in Gunnison County, a survey by the Reluctant Economist Review has found. The Boulder-based fiscal watchdog ranked 15 locales in terms of personal risk, infrastructure and the availability of goods and services.

The worse places were Pittsburgh, Baldwin and Jack’s Cabin where many aspects of daily life present challenges such as staying warm in winter, dealing with local bears and providing food. Since none of the above have any known infrastructure, they took a beating in the scoring, especially in an embarrassing bathing suit competition.

“These locales are charming but they don’t cut it over the 365-day cycle,” said the RER. “There are no stores, no police and no government and no home owners associations in place to help these people. If a resident gets his car stuck in a snowdrift in November he might have to wait until April to dig it out.”

The port cities of Sapinero, Powderhorn-on-Sage and Pitkin Falls fell in the middle range due to the presence of skeletal services and distance from main population centers.

Icy roads, the presence of deer and elk on the highways and location in remote regions worked against these towns causing them to finish poorly in the survey, according to the review.

The county’s three main population centers scored well partially because, even though they are in the United States in name, they are off the grid and are not considered targets for terror and are virtually unpolluted. In addition to ranking high in the Gunnison County survey, they matched up well with other rural towns across the country despite climate-related issues, high prices and an economy based on tourism, real estate and second-hand stores.

No location manages to present ideal living conditions but these three are close especially if one factors in daily stress, traffic and the outdoor lifestyle. The review fell short of equating the dog population with happiness and the air quality with general life expectancy.

“There is no place better to live than anywhere in Gunnison County in the summer,” said the review, “although technically, that may only last for 60 days.”

“The gods love the obscure and hate the obvious.”

The Upanishads (800-500 BC)

If you don’t get the joke there’s little hope

Black Canyon Name Change Backed by Tourism Council

(Montrose) Proposals to rename the Black Canyon today received support from local tourism groups and environmental organizations who contend that the current name is morbid.

A bill expected to go before the State Senate calls for a year-long study which might, among other things, create a new image for the dark, ominous sounding spot. Any decision would have to be made at the federal level since the current Black Canyon acreage is fenced off under federal administration as a National Park.

Saying that the term black misrepresents the natural beauty of the attraction, Sell Colorado, a West Slope economic development interest, suggests lightening up the name and thus attracting even more tourists to the destination.

“We like White Canyon, or Bright Canyon,” said Irm Peawit, Executive Executive Director for Sell Colorado. “We’ve had petitions suggesting Beaming Canyon, Brilliant Canyon, Clear Canyon and Cheery Canyon. Others favor Luminous Canyon or Radiant Canyon but we’re afraid of using big words with national reading levels falling off and all. Incandescent Canyon received a great deal of support but we don’t know if it will fit on our signs.”

When asked if the name Bright Canyon might be confused with Bright Angel, a famous observation point at Arizona’s Grand Canyon, Peawit frowned.

“We hate anything to do with that other canyon. It gets all the publicity,” she griped, “when our canyon is either deeper, longer or steeper, I can’t remember which one.”

Western Slope legislators have vowed to lobby in favor of the name change in Washington this summer. But, saying that there are several other more pressing matters on the agenda, the lawmakers expect the bill to be introduced some time around January.

“Right now,” according to one Representative who spoke anonymously, “the Washington DC House and Senate have the economy, Iraq, national health care, education, Afghanistan, the War on Terror, water shortages, crime, Social Security, pollution, the ozone, corporate corruption, drug abuse, border control, North Korea, NATO conflicts and gasoline prices with which to contend…and don’t forget gay marriage and the fact that this is an election year.”

A spokesman for Rocks, Trees and Bugs, a grassroots environmental group insists that the Black Canyon is at risk due to overgrazing by summer tourists.

“If we change the name to something more positive we can pick and choose who we let in,” said Muffy Hollandaise of RTB. “The formula is simple enough: We double or triple the admission price and limit access. We could offer weekend packages with breakfast and a guide. We like the name Ambiance Canyon or Quiet Canyon “where the deer and the antelope pay.”

Further sources at the federal level say these groups are missing the point. Committees for Public Safety such as OSHA and the North American Seat Belt Consortium stressed that, due to severe drop offs common to cliffs and drastic topography, skateboards, wheel chairs and bicycles be banned from the park.

“These people have other places open to them,” said an unreliable mouthpiece at OSHA. “Why do they always have to push? The handicapped have more access ramps and parking spaces than any other group in this country. The cyclists have bike paths. The skateboarders have their hangouts. Why do they have to ruin it for the rest of us?”

Still another developer, who owns 2000 acres adjacent to the park on Black Mesa, feels his plan to build a mosquito-proof dome over the entire park is a good idea.

“Despite the short-sighted criticism and the effete finger pointing, our Dome Canyon project could still spout wings and fly,” said Robert Mojave, a former wine maker from California who plans to build 4000 new homes near the canyon by 2021. We stand to make a killing on this project and we don’t intend to let some top-heavy, socialist, low-rent entity like the federal government dictate to us. Today’s semi-outdoor enthusiasts need protection from mosquitoes.”

Mojave went on to say that if the cities of the nation could build new sports stadiums the rural areas deserved domes over precious landmarks so as to promote insect-free, year-round use.

In other news the Colorado Division of Transportation confirmed that access arteries to and from the canyon would have to be dug up and widened to accommodate any increase in traffic there. The agency estimates construction time to be five years. Plans to hire a band to entertain stranded motorists was put on the back burner due to increased campaign demands and continued bad vibes from the local musician’s union.

– Kashmir Horseshoe