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Yeah, we’ve got water but…

The snowpack is up and the streams are roaring down the valleys but it dries out quick here in the Rockies. Please be careful with fire in the forest this summer. With an increase is visitors we ain’t out of the woods yet.

Gun Lobbyists Angry Over Dodging Bullet Reference

(Washington) The weapons industry is up in arms this morning after a wire services report asserting that the group had “dodged a bullet” on further gun control legislation.

The noted reprieve allegedly occurred after the House voted to table a discussion on further background checks at the time of a purchase and the option of a follow-up investigation if red flags present themselves down the road.

Several Republican gun proponents say the terminology was insensitive and it suggested they could make great targets.

“These enemies of the people will stop at nothing to turn America over to the socialists,” said one representative bankrolled by the weapons lobby.

“Just look around. The country is full of whackos with assault rifles and this article clearly puts pro-gun officials in the line of fire.”

The editors of this piece say they were not encouraging violence or enabling hate groups even though the other side does so every day. They say they were simply writing a headline and that the expression, while admittedly “close to the core” was spot on and “a damn good use of the language”.

When asked if they thought the media was in part to blame for gun violence they did not respond.

“These elected officials are trading the story and safety of their country for 40 pieces of silver, aren’t they?” asked one journalist who contributed to the report. “People are irresponsible and abusive with everything from umbrellas to paper clips. Why would we expect any difference from a man holding a loaded gun?”

Responsible gun owners, keen to separate themselves from all this pettiness in the capital, contend that all the laws in the universe would not keep guns out of the hands of criminals.

“They just buy illegally,” said one pro-gun activist. “We must change the consciousness of an entire nation that was built on violence. That won’t be easy but flapdoodle restriction on my owning guns is not the answer. I’ve got mountain lions running all over hell out at my place. If a hungry one comes to the door what should I do? Should I hit it with a dishtowel?

“While most gun owners are peaceful and responsible others should not have access to firearms at all. How could society achieve this balance without government intervention? Can these sociopaths be expected to police themselves?” he asked.

The “offended parties” threatened to take legal action after consultation with benefactors and a peek at the polls.

“The suggestion that they have dodged a bullet indicates that my clients were being shot at by someone,” said attorneys for the offended parties. “That statement alone incites violence and these scribes should be severely punished for irresponsible reporting, lewd partisanship and scapegoating.”

– Small Mouth Bess

How To Meet Other Vegetables

(Denver) Hey there tomato, steamed about the coming of another summer while you’re lonely on the vine? Plant yourself in the sunny garden of earthly delights like a snap bean on a mission and who knows what might turnip.

First of all one must effectively squash all notions as to parsnips that may occur in the single world. All vegetables are different and the seeker must employ a variety of tactics in each case. Example: If you’re attempting to get the attention of an early potato don’t show up a half hour late. If you are attracted to a sweet Bermuda onion don’t hang out in Montreal.

While relationships between vegetables like kohlrabi and Chinese cabbage are rare they are not impossible just so long as both parties take into account differences in religion and ethnic origin. The Swiss chard can be happy with eggplant but only if they understand each other’s needs and leave the baggage at a storage unit.

Nobody wants to be seen as an afterthought. Even okra, parsley and peppers need to feel like the special of the day too. Never mind that corn, tomatoes and sweet potatoes are seen as supplements to the major fare. NOBODY WANTS TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE ON A BED OF RICE. It’s far more effective to start the relationship with an equality and pick and chose accessory characters as you proceed. A pumpkin will not act in the supporting roll. Head lettuce wants to be in charge. Watermelons have lots of seeds.

Perhaps the most important element necessary for a strong bond is personal appearance and behavior. Nobody likes a dirty cucumber or lentils with improper hygiene. Kale that has turned soft will never be harvested. This goes for peas, okra, radishes and onions too. In every love relationship there are rhubarbs that cannot be avoided but they will be less frequent if one follows a constitution that fertilizes as well as waters.

Finally, and possibly the most important: Don’t hang out in endives if you want to meet quality crops. It’s better to go to the nicer places. Some great spots to meet other vegetables include outdoor markets, perennial organizations, canning seminars, greenhouses and some truck farms. Places to avoid include the frozen food aisle at the grocery, transient produce roadside stands, and as we have already said, smoky endives of all sorts.

We sincerely hope this concise advisory will help you stay warm and cozy this coming winter. Always remember: You have to dig in some dirt, my friend, if you want that garden to grow.

“The conflict in Europe was terrible and violent, Amanda (former slave and survivor of the Valentine Farm Massacre) told her sailor husband years later, but she took exception to the name. The Great War had always been between white and black. It always would be.”

– from The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead.

Drywall Museum Gets Nod

(Montrose) A historical museum to honor the region’s dry wallers has gotten the nod from County Commissioners and will now be returned to the mayor’s desk a final go-ahead signature. According to civic sources two of the three current County Commissioners fell asleep during the hearings with the remaining commissioner, a former building inspector, abstaining due to conflict of interest. Nevertheless the measure passed nevertheless and the museum moved that much closer to a reality.

The cost of the construction is estimated to be in the $500,000 range. When completed it is expected that over 14,000 tourists per day will tour the facility.

“The US has its “xenophobia, its saber-rattling, its theocratic leanings, its denial of facts and science, its tribalism, and its petty and boorish president.”

 – Dr. Ted Gup, Durham University, Great Britain

Congress Agrees to Salary Cuts

Washington) Breaking ranks with its predecessors of 225 years, the United States Senate today ratified a bill that calls for deep salary cuts and sweeping changes in how the legislative body does business.

Setting precedent that completely defies tradition, both the House and Senate the law makers agreed to a 35% salary cut starting in 2021. Along with the adjustment the elected officials will also see a decrease in benefits, travel allowances, expense accounts and retirement packages.

According to unreliable sources within the governing body the move comes as an attempt to undress the growing deficit which is expected to go through the roof over the next four years.

“The economy has been manipulated by an administration with no sense of fiscal responsibility,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “Bandwagon tax cuts and deficit spending at a time of rising inflation and a weakened dollar will inevitably spell disaster for the nation. We have to do something. Whether it’s going to have an impact or be parked on a side street as only a gesture, at least it’s a move in the right direction.”

Critics on both sides of the bouncing ball say the action represents too little, too late.

“Where were the Republican critics when they rode the President’s coat tails to victory in November?” asked Trump financial analyst Hector Yuro, one of several millionaire minorities named to the Trump team last month. So what if the Euro is becoming the fiscal standard. It’s all just on paper anyway and there’s a war going on!”

One high ranking Democrat praised the move in that his party must take the initiative to avoid an embarrassing government bankruptcy.

“If the GOP was running an oil company or a baseball team he’s be out of business,” said Jacqueline B. Quicke, who, in an eleventh hour plea for votes, agreed to take her entire constituency to Las Vegas in November. “Unless of course some powerful Saudi family has reserved all of the hotel rooms.

House Republicans slammed the salary cuts calling the move grandstanding on the part of Democrats who want to make Donald Don Trump look bad on television.

“These un-American ideologues want to make The President look like an idiot on television when in fact he is our savior,” wept one former pest exterminator now legislator from Houston. “Don’t they know he’s got a direct line to the Lord?”

Cynics within both governing bodies say Trump should go to a higher power to borrow the money to pay off the rising deficit.

“Surely with his new religious connections he could obtain a few trillion and give us a surplus with which to keep on keepin’ on,” said one urban Democrat who predicts chaos in his precinct with the eminent collapse of social programs due to economic bungling.

“The joke around here goes something like this,” he laughed: “Donald goes to God for the money to pull us out of this mess and God says: Ask your dad.”

“The current quagmire revolves around the fact that the President has already borrowed vast sums from his father, during the Party Years, and has never paid any of it back,” said the source. “The real problem is that government is nothing but a money pit. We ought to shut the whole thing down and go back to living in caves.”

Although there have been spotty threats to filibuster, the bill appears to have the support needed to become law. The action has been applauded by bankers and economists all over the country especially in light of findings that almost all of those affected are already wealthy and don’t need the money anyway. Besides, throngs of lobbyists are expected to make up the difference with incentives and give-aways aimed at gaining the approval of law makers.

“This is just another charade aimed at convincing the American people that someone is actually in charge here,” added Quicke. “The money saved through these salary cuts won’t even be enough to pay Congressional limo drivers for a month. Maybe our leaders should consider public transportation. Now that would be something.”

In a related development Vice President Mike “Six” Pence orchestrated a surprise visit to the Senate today urging that body to come to its senses on the matter. Saying that a dangerous precedent was already in motion Pence petitioned members to rethink their actions and give themselves a raise.

“If rich people like us start giving away our money we’re all going down the tubes,” he all but whispered. “We can’t let on that there’s a problem or we’ll have chaos in the streets like they have in Paris and Caracas. We don’t need (that kind of) democracy here. We have the Electoral Collages, flat-screen TVs, cheap gas and Wal-Mart.”

    – Kashmir Horseshoe

“You still have the soul of a heathen, even though you speak like a Christian and don’t go around naked,” Sister Angelica said. “It isn’t just that it doesn’t bother her, Mother, but she helped them to escape because she wanted them to go back to being savages.”

-From The Green House” by Mario Vargas Llosa



The Blessing of the Chuckholes

The annual Blessing of the Chuckholes is slated for this week or next depending on the weather. Guest chuckholes include world record holders from our region. Hot dogs, fat soda and balloons for the kiddies!