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THOR, ODIN IN TOWN TO UNDRESS WIND, DROP LINE

(Gunnison) Norse gods, Thor and Odin, were in town over the weekend as guests of the local volunteer fire department. While visiting they are expected to bring much needed relief from seasonably high winds, which threaten to drive the population here to the brink of insanity.

“Thor is the god of thunder,” said one fireman, “so we figured he might have some pull with the wind. He’s also quite a fisherman.”

In honor of the visit, the department, at the request of both gods, will run its sirens at increased intervals all weekend.

Odin, the supreme deity, whose accolades include a sketchy creator of the cosmos and man, god of wisdom, art, war, culture and the dead, will also be on hand. It is hoped that he can calm the wind to lessen the chances of brush fires and wind-driven madness on the part of livestock.

Sometime during the sojourn the two will be joined by the often rambunctious Neptune, who is hauling his ponga boat, Valhalla, up from Colorado Springs. Joining the trio as premier bush pilot/fishing guide will be the late Don Woodbury, who many surmise has already reached minor deity status in the Great Beyond.

Polyester Blamed in Brain Deterioration

(Detroit, MI  Fabric of Life 2026  October, 2017)

Motown scientists say they have linked the use of polyester to mental dysfunction and the loss of brain cells. Teams of dermatologists from the Detroit Free Garment District and Cotton Gentrification Tribunal are convinced that the fabric should be outlawed before the Congress disbands in 2022. The research facility, badly damaged during Romanian air strikes in 2020, has tested over 7000 article of clothing from stretch pants to dress shirts.

“The purveyors of these fashion horrors should be banned from the industry and jailed,” quacked Miracle Miles, of the DFGD. “Their chemical clothing must be banned from our racks.”

The issue here appears related to the breathing capacity of polyester and the effect on the brain. For decades scientists have known the oxygen deprivation can be deadly. Now mounds of data show that persons who wear cotton are healthier and people who don the poly are at extreme risk.

In over 40,000 test cases conducted at the revamped Chrysler Assembly Plant here, deterioration was quite evident in every participant. Veteran workers, with a longer exposure quotient, were found to have suffered permanent damage beyond even the most radical rehabilitation techniques.

“This is bunk,” said one union steward. “These folks have been turned into vegetables because of the mindless, repetitive, and yes tedious work that they perform eight hours a day. We should not be surprised to see the level of unhappiness increasing in a society where people must sell their soul to feed their families.”

Many of the subjects, who have been wearing polyester since childhood, showed up for the first session with rashes and skin irritations thought to be related to constant exposure to inferior attire.

Congress, on an extended, non-perk vacation since 2018, is expected to return to Washington, when the water recedes, and then on to the Capitol for high-level talks on the matter

Congress Votes to End Spoils System

The United States Senate today voted overwhelmingly to terminate lavish health care and bloated lifetime pensions for elected Representatives in House. In addition it set limits on financial transactions involving pork barrels, lobbyists and super pacts.

Not to be outdone, the House countered with ban on such luxury entitlements as daily limo use, lobbyist luncheons and introduces fines for chronic absenteeism. The body then followed suit, banning brahman health coverage and pensions for its colleagues in the senate.

The projected savings are estimated to be in the low billions. Although the destination of these newly generated funds was not clear it is likely the money will not filter down to struggling taxpayers or help purchase health care for the needy.

“We certainly don’t want these recovered funds to end up in the wrong hands,” said one senator, with a dismissive wink.

The legislative branch contends that, after administrative costs are subtracted, the sum be deposited into a secret Swiss cheese account where it will be safe and soon forgotten by the great unwashed. The rest of the savings will most likely be invested in the schlock market or spent buying lottery tickets in drafty constituent districts from Oregon to Alabama.

Officials who sit in Congress had been recipients of A-1 lifetime health coverage and a hefty lifetime pension even though most are already rich beyond the dreams of the common man. They have achieved the status of royalty, perched in the catbird seat, a roost inaccessible to their fellow citizens.

The lawmakers were so busy pointing the finger, jockeying for position and covering their posteriors that they did not have time to undress campaign parameters, North Korea nukes, immigration, tax reform, national health care, Afghanistan,  and our crumbling domestic infrastructure.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Going once…going twice…

You wanna see he fall colors up high? Better do it today.

Policy Toward China Based on Take-Out Menu

Fork or Chopsticks?

(Washington) The State Department today admitted that its official procedure for dealing with Mainland China from 1949 to 2017 has been based on an extensive Mandarin/Hunan take-out menu.

The 20-page menu, written entirely in Oriental dialects, was secured by CIA agents from the popular Golden Dragon Restaurant in Georgetown, just prior to the Korean Conflict. Defectors from the infant Maoist regime translated most of it at that time and recommended the garlic prawns with snow peas. Although Cold Warriors were convinced the items were displayed in code, time has proven that theory wrong.

“It was a simple Chinese menu…No substitutions, egg rolls extra,” said Fred Chow Mein, a former espionage officer, now employed as a lobbyist for Taiwan. “How anyone could have read more into this is insane.”

The original proprietors of the Golden Dragon, also named Mein, were deported during the McCarthy Era and the entire eatery was turned into a Wisconsin bratwurst joint. Then in 1954, with the fall of Joe McCarthy and the rise of ethnic appetites, the restaurant was reopened by a syndicate headed by Edward R. Morrow. It instantly became a hangout for journalists. The Mein family was brought back from Toronto and owns/operates the cafe today.

A State Department spokesman told reporters that, given the paranoia prevalent in the country at the time, it was quite feasible for the government to take the wrong path regarding diplomacy.

“Imagine the confusing messages sent to the Red Chinese about crisp Peking Duck alone,” she said. “I especially like the part where Douglas MacArthur threatens to cross the Egg Drop River with a fleet of amphibious wontons in 1951.”

– Susie Compost

Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks

(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the early summer.

Late rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.

Most say they are already looking forward to spring.

The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.

Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.