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Colorado moves to seize foreign-owned property

(Cookie Tree Lake) The state of Colorado will begin taking possession of all properties owned by non-Coloradoans as part of a far-reaching attempt to reach economic parity in the new year.

In what is called radical by the landed gentry, the plan calls for the seizure and redistribution of all lands and dwellings currently held by non-residents, defined as persons who do not live within the state for at least 9 months per year. Recipients of projected windfall are landless peasants who live and work in Colorado.

Played down at the state house, out-of-state owners will be notified of their status early next week. Foreign property owners will then have six weeks to readjust their resident status to comply with the ruling or risk seizure.

“This is going to have major appeal with one group while negatively impacting the other,” said architect of the bill, Rep Oral Noise (Unitarian-Aurora). “We’re not trying to punish anyone for being rich or to destroy the second home owner phenomenon. We just want these people to live in their houses, spend their money here year-round and support the assortment of social services already available in Colorado. It’s not some socialistic land reform issue. It’s more a matter of justice.”

In the past years many out of towners have bought up pristine lands here, building large homes that are used for only a few weeks or months of the year.

“One doesn’t see many Coloradoans owning trophy homes in Texas or California. It happens but not at the rate that we are seeing in mountain towns within our borders,” said Noise. We only seek to slow down this growing trend toward absentee ownership.”

Attorneys for those affected say they will appeal the rulings on the grounds that private property laws cannot be manipulated in this manner.

“If someone form outside Colorado wants to own a piece of Colorado they should be able to do so,” said one lawyer from his office in Tulsa. “It’s not their fault hat the place is beautiful and that the lifestyle is attractive. Their routines should not be interrupted or dictated by this silly appraisal of the law by communists in Denver.”

Squatters are reminded that they must respect gates and no trespassing signs until this matter is concluded.

– Mongo Congo

What shall we do with the drunken sailor, early in the morning?” – from The Drunken Sailor

Bannon May Have Met With Fallen Angels

On the heels of indictments and guilty pleas new evidence has emerged linking former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon to the infamous Fallen Angels of Islamic and Christian lore.

The encounter allegedly took place last month in Antarctica where the Rebel Angels have reportedly been imprisoned since being expelled from Heaven before the dawning of mortal man.

In Milton’s Paradise Lost we meet Sinner Angels who, after a great battle with the Good Angels, led by Michael the Archangel, were hurled to earth to mix with and terrorize the unholy there.

According to a subpoena issued yesterday, Bannon was seen leaving Antarctica but never actually observed in the company of demons. He is suspected of visiting with Abezethibou (the one-winged Red Sea fallen angel) and Valefor (the many-headed lion).

Two others from of the fallen pack have agreed to testify in the case in return for reduced sentences. They are Beelzebub and Asmodeus, two royals in Hell. They did not capsulize any conversations but said the topic was most definitely centered on the Midterm Elections in November.

Bannon denied any wrongdoing adding only that demographics should never be confused with pictures of Satan.

“Isn’t it enough to be an angel or a demon?” asked one journalist covering the story. “What’s all this arch nonsense? This whole story smells of a rat. I think the parable was created so as to discourage people from rebelling against authority. It’s all about control,” he said.

Meanwhile the White House denied knowing Bannon at least three times before yielding to The Sarah Huckabee Sanders Cartoon Show aired on FOX that afternoon.

-Tommy Middlefinger

—Apology—

The San Juan Horseshoe Semi-annual Fly Swatting Seminar has been officially rained out and rescheduled for mid-October. Baiting, although considered extreme and crude by most professional swatters, will be permitted due to weather and time constraints. Rolled up newsprint, umbrellas and zappers are not acceptable and restricted from the premises at all times during the competition.

Interested participants should register by mail and remember to bring a big ball of water to be placed at the door, fly clothes, wing files, steel shoes, ear plugs, gauze head gear, face mask, dissection paraphernalia and plenty of drinking water.

Action at the 2017 event

“Nobody expects players to sprout eyes in the back of their heads but they must be aware and ready to retreat at the slightest movements,’ said head fly terminators. “We are interested in style and delivery, not body counts and messy backhands.”

As usual, no perfume wearers or smokers will be admitted. Dogs and alcohol are fine. The seminar will conclude with information on group hunts, organic interface, canning and taxidermy. An impressive display of different swatter models on the market for 2019 is also slated for afternoon sessions all week.

Tourist Tip # 611: Don’t you dare miss the daily Changing of the Flies at the Wimpton Landfill. It is listed as #4 in Things To Do Outside for the summer.

—Apology—

TOOL QUITS JOURNALISM

(Manana) Award winning associate editor, Melvin Toole, has resigned from his lucrative position at the San Juan Horseshoe effective Friday. He will pursue a career in professional rodeo. Recent successes at bull riding and calf roping seem to have convinced the scribe to change jobs.

Toole has been on a sabbatical since May and has been earning extra money playing the accordion outside Coors Field at Rockies games. He became an overnight rodeo fanatic after a torrid love affair with Trudy Belle Lorenzo, Hall of Fame barrel racer and dry land wheat farmer from lavish East Colona.

Toole plans to throw his hat into the professional rodeo ring next spring.

“I’ve watched a lot of rodeo on TV,” said the 82-year old Tool who gained national notoriety in 1979 when he bravely crossed the Black Canyon of the Gunnison with a pair of hastily constructed wax wings. Later in 1987 he became the only white man to have successfully negotiated the San Miguel River from Shamrock Mines to Vanadium while totally emerged in a ramshackle oak whiskey barrel and without the aid of artificial breathing apparatus. Last year Tool thrilled Montrose County Fair participants as he scaled Friendship Hall, again in a barrel and without the aid of a net.

Sporting bumper stickers which read: “Better dead than deadlines” and “Bull riders are my type” the former journalist kissed his desk goodbye and drove off into the sunset accompanied by his dog “Rollo” and a bucket of fried chicken wings.

 – Uncle Pahgre

Most Matchmakers prefer solitude, going it alone

According to a cross-section of matchmakers interviewed over the past twelve months, most prefer the single life. In 88% of the cases the arrangements made for other people have little to do with lifestyle choices and relationships for the fulcrum that brings parties together.

Despite what in many cultures is a formal occupation, the edifying actions of these introduction and bindery engineers is not reflective of the free-wheeling, almost live-wire realities expressed in our scientific survey.

“We separate work from play,” explained one matchmaker . “Just because we do the research and match two likely subjects doesn’t mean we are on the prowl for a mate.

Harmony, according to the respondents, is everything in a relationship or love affair but there is no guarantee of bliss. Modern day matchmakers often see themselves as the equivalent of sports or talent agents who are trying to get the best contract for their clients.

“After all I’ve seen of the human predicament I prefer the peace and solitude of an unattached life,” said one. “Monogamy can be a soothing bargain and there is no shortage of people ready to embrace it without fully considering the wrappings and trappings or a lifelong commitment.”

“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence themselves.”     

– Will Rogers

Sex Researcher Pregnant

(Placerville) Local scientist, Dr. Olivia Tinkleholland, has turned up pregnant. Although the father is unknown  there are reportedly “plenty of potential candidates “. The baby is due in December.

Tinkleholland, who for decades has been studying the sexual behavior of ground squirrels, was surprised by the predicament.

According to directors of the research effort, she may have gotten too close to her work. Over the past few months several colleagues have continually expressed concern that her hands on approach be curtailed. Within a consortium of trained, experienced biologists and behavioral scientists there have been few explanations for the phenomenon. Most, if fact have been inclined to skirt the issue.

“Olivia is a gifted professional,” said a longtime associate. “I assure you she operated in the open and clearly had no other agenda than the betterment of Colorado’s ground squirrel population. Her activities after hours have not been chronicled and potential osmosis is expected to be fully examined.

“She could end up being a study within a study,” said the source. “That could be an embarrassment for everyone connected to the research curriculum for decades to come.”

The development should serve as warning to investigators and pollsters alike who might find themselves wrapped in data and overwhelmed by statistics instead of common sense. The take-no-prisoners policies exercised by Tinklleholland in her private life may have contributed to her present situation. Up until now little of her story makes much sense according to persons familiar with similar occurrences and oddball episodes.

“What did she expect?” asked her mother who is visiting from Cleveland.