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Autumn Gold Comes “Round Again

The mind is a dangerous place to go….

Here in the foothills of the world’s highest ranked website we pay attention to details. For example, unlike the NBA, when Red China banned the site we created a new one in Taiwan and beamed the bastards. Xiang or whatever his name is, was blown over and may never recover. The guy wears a suit like Wall Street and talks like an insurance salesman. Mao would not approve.

That was after we spent all day Saturday cleaning up after the summer nudistas at Skin Beach near Colona. Then we went and played bi-lingual sqarsh for the rest of the day. Then it snowed.

But not in pub, lads. Our dear fiends Bud and Jane stopped by the other afternoon on their way from England to Tucson. Bud “Brandy” Morrow insinuates that gout can be alleviated by the regular application of organic cherry juice with a healthy splash of vodka. I’m game.

Do the Washington Nationals have “angels in the outfield” in 2019? The team appears to be destined for greatness after a sweep of the Cardinals. Now they get to play one of the two monster teams. October will tell.

Oh that reminds me: sanjuanhorseshoe.com is not FDA approved. I have to get on that tomorrow or the next day.

Our resident reggae lyricist here has harvest tips. She suggests hurling your marijuana debris such as sticks and leaf into your hot wood fire. That way all the nearby wildlife can enjoy a good buzz and a chilled out experience. Why horde when so many others engage in that activity? (Note: Elk grow their own strain of killer weed in hidden patches all over the National Forest.)

In closing…Does anyone out there know the first three verses of the tune, Chug-A-Lug? Here’s what I have: Makes you wannaa go Hidee Ho, burns your tummy don’t you know…

Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks

(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the late summer.

Earlier rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.

Most say they are already looking forward to spring.

The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.

Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.

-Dolores Alegria

FAVORITE TOURIST TRAPS

Are you visiting our world this fall? If so here is a preferred selection of attractions even you won’t want to miss!

PEA GREEN CONSERVATORY RUINS – This architectural prototype once housed the infamous Pea Green Kazoo Orchestra and was the scene of the last pancake breakfast attended by William McKinley before his untimely assassination by an anarchist in 1901. Over the years the orchestra played before such music lovers as King Edward VII, Tallulah Bankhead, Oliver Heaviside, J.P. Morgan, Joan Crawford, and Thomas E. Dewey who remains buried six feet under the rhythm section.

WORLD’S LARGEST MARTINI – Located on Highway 145 near Placerville. This 700-foot cocktail was erected after the first Telluride Gin Festival in 1907. It requires the constant attention of some 130 full-time employees just to keep the thing cold. Funding cuts over the past few years have discouraged operations in the winter months when most thirsty residents prefer brandy or schnapps anyway. Official records estimate that it cost $6500 dollars per day to keep the facility open and that takes into account the low cost water generated power plant that was built with state lottery money in 1999. Guided tours are available on the half hour with a minimal admission fee of $12 (non-imbiber) and $75 (full services). A massive martini pipeline, that could supply some six counties with the beverage is on the drawing board and may be completed by Bronco season. Just for kicks don’t miss the Old Timer Vermouth Mill located behind Omar’s Roots just three miles east of Party of Lincoln Gift Shop at Grandma’s RV World.

SAGEBRUSH HOLOCAUST MUSEUM – This eerie monument seeks to honor the native sagebrush that is destroyed by bulldozers and asphalt each year. It was located in Peach Valley as of last night.

HISTORIC MOTEL ROW – Located in Gunnison this historical district has been completely restored and preserved for future generations. Many of the structures are available by the night or week and summer rates are reasonable. Take a walk back into the past as some of these motels were built as early as 1956. Park at Parlin and proceed west until you see the flashing lights! Self-contained RVs welcome.

SLATE RIVER WHITE BUFFALO RANCH

View the rare white buffalo, an animal considered sacred by the Utes. No set hours. The buffalo are either there or they are not. Watch the parking on poorly shouldered Highway 135. Located between Almont and Jack’s Cabin adjacent to the Roaring Judy Trout Internment Center, which is closed to the public Monday through Friday and on weekends.

SLOWEST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WEST

Located at the intersection of Main and Townsend in Montrose. Wagon trains passing through this valley in the early part of the century are still waiting to negotiate this stretch of road. Everyone wants to turn left but nobody can. After you enjoy a visit to this signal be sure to stop at the Fastest Left Turn Arrow in the West at the Highway 50 by-pass.

JURASSIC LEACH FIELD – This ancient collection of dinosaur dung can be enjoyed by taking Highway 50 to Whitewater then turning west into Unaweep Canyon. Proceed along Highway 141 past the Umetco nuclear sugar beet processing plant at Snyder Flats and on to the Pablo Escobar Landing Strip at Casto Draw. Cut back southeast on the dirt road to Tenderfoot Mesa and listen for the intense buzzing. Since the remains are not totally petrified forest rangers caution visitors to hold their noses, wear old shoes and carry ample fly swatters in their vehicles.

TOOTHBRUSH RECYCLING PLANT – Located in downtown Novocaine next to the Toothpaste Tailings at the mouth of Stale Breath Gulch. See thousands of discarded toothbrush handles being forged into alarm clocks for export to the Far East. The bristles are melted down and turned into second-rate Astroturf. We suggest one avoid this massive dental display while Elvis or pine beetles or space aliens are in Colorado. These groups and the highly cited Tooth & Nails Periodontal Band (with stoolies) have tied up all motel rooms within a radius of fifty miles.

THE GIANT HOUSE – Located in a secret location of course, this 700,000 square foot structure was actually larger than the state of Rhode Island before the fire. Decorated with treasures pillaged from an assortment of Third World cultures the Giant House is designed to sink into the surrounding rocks in the event of a nuclear attack. Make sure identification papers are in order upon entering the lush grounds, as custodians are often inebriated and somewhat trigger-happy. But don’t despair: Schedule your visit to the Giant House between noon and two and catch some pomp and circumstance with the precision changing of the realtors at the gate house of this exclusive development.

These are only a few of the many attractions that await the visitor in Western Colorado. For a complete listing and further information on educational and illuminating tours and packages stop into your local tourist information booth. Tell them you’re Butch Cassidy and you’re looking for a few sticks of dynamite and the closest automatic teller machine. They probably won’t get it anyway.

CAUTION: Do not heed the advice of seemingly friendly denizens as these reprobates take extreme pleasure in misleading the innocent. Although creative and dramatic in delivery, they will lie to you at every turn causing much consternation and an immoral waste of gasoline. NEVER confront them in their prevarications as they are all well armed, even the children.

CHILDPROOF CONDOMS APPROVED BY MAO CLINIC

Doctors at the prestigious Mao Clinic have given final OK on a new breed of childproof condoms, which are slated to hit the market by fall. The feds have granted preliminary approval despite the ranting of consumer groups that say the product is already often too difficult to negotiate as it is.

“We realize the inconveniences but we can’t have these devices falling into the wrong hands,” said one physician.

The condoms, wrapped in layers of materials thought to be beyond the engineering grasp of a three-year-old, will not be a security issue with children but adults often find they cannot open the product at that special moment.

“It’s like trying to march a herd of elk through the eye of a needle,” or something Biblical like that,” said Rock Cracker, who invented the carefree liner that boasts of quality and ultra-security.

“We have to protect our children from sins of the flesh,” said Senator Oral Noise (Dupe-TX) who has taken credit for insuring the products’ acceptance by the male population actively engaged. “Our kids come first,” he said reaching for a righteous slogan to pin on the donkey.

The term “child-proof” may be adding to the confusion herein since lawmakers have not yet decide on complete approval of the condoms.

“Are these things childproof in the arena of pregnancies or are we talking about childproof in that they cannot be accessed by toddlers?” asked Cracker. “Until we rebrand we will continue to have chaos in a realm that has been a continuing source of amusement and complication since we came down from the trees.”

Experts suggest that parents provide children with other toys like balloons so as to redirect their attention. If that fails they recommend locking condoms (or children?) up in a rifle case, a safety deposit box or disguising them as dreaded turnips or icky Brussels sprout and storing them in the refrigerator.

TIDS AND TID BITS

Southern Colorado’s own Slim Tinkleholland won the Hayden Peak banked slalom and not a baked salmon, as was reported on this website last weekend. The confusion appears to have been related to Slim’s twin half-bother who is an avid snagging fisherman and skijoring enthusiast. Sorry for any inconvenience this error may have caused.

Math Coroner: Need for sleep has saved planet. If people were awake for 24 hours every day imagine the levels of destruction. It’s the same for the repast breather the planet gets during dinner and lunch hours. Formula X – 8 x {7 billion} = gross natural impact x snores + alpha state comfort. …If people didn’t sit down for meals and sleep each night the planet would have been destroyed 3400 years ago…Now you do the work.

Poll Results In: United States and Western Europe:

13% of those polled favor invading Iran, Iraq, any of Middle Eastern countries

87% favor same action if gas would hover at $2 a gallon.