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(Ouray) They feed the deer and elk when the snow’s up to their arses so why can’t the Division of Wildlife feed the black bear? Is there some secret that we civilians have not considered or has the possibility not been explored? Are they short of berries too?

Every year bear have to be destroyed when they venture into RV magic poodle lands, alleys and town garbage dumps. Hey, the bruins aren’t looking to start trouble. They don’t want to show up spiffy at your autumn barbecue to socialize. They’d rather slide in after everyone else has gone home to clean up the mess. They don’t want to rub elbows with people. They just want a snack.

Lots of snacks as it works out.

Right now bear need to put on enough weight to stop Oprah Winfrey mid-sentence. They are on deadline to add enough flab to make it through the hibernation time. Well there’s just not enough natural forage out there in the rain-choked forests. In addition, bear are curious and enjoy a trip into town in early morning and the evening.

Grub and a stroll. Now who would fault these fury monsters for that? THE TRANQUILIZER? Couldn’t the tag-happy DOW drop food a safe distance outside town sites and detour the bear before they get into trouble? We’re sure there are countless by-the-book reasons but lettuce proceed…

The other approach is to continue to take target practice on mischievous bears in trees that would probably wander back into the woods sooner or later if people would simply let them be. DOW marksmen shoot the bear with tranquilizer darts that put them to sleep and, at least in theory, do no harm to the animal.

Unfortunately the beasts didn’t read the small print. They soon nod out and fall from their perch like a bag of rocks often breaking their necks. They then have to be destroyed. All in a day’s work?

All we’re asking for here is a few dead cows, a helicopter load of apples and a handful of magic beans.

In closing, be advised that wearing bells and clanging pans to prevent contact with hungry bear in the wilds has been found to be less than effective if one is carrying aromatic foods such as trail mix or peanut butter sandwiches. The concept of puffing up and waving arms to make one appear larger than life in the event a confrontation with a bear is also of equal impact. Rule of thumb: If you want to keep your thumbs (and the rest of your hide) avoid fish-based eau de cologne and/or honey flavored shampoo when in bear country, which is most likely your own backyard.

– Rocky Flats

Shorter Terms For Congress on Docket


(Washington) When the Congress meets again the members will be chatting about more than the coming election. They’ll be talking about campaign financing and where to get some. They’ll be arguing about foreign policy and where to get some of that too.

They’ll be talking about term limits.

Before the break it had come down to common sense (and where to get some). Define the problem: Pork barrel promises kept, and all those years to fill pretending to accomplish something while out campaigning to get elected again. Good money…good working conditions. Shake a few paws, kiss a few babies. Power.

“What about two week terms?” asked one rookie Congressman still wet behind the amendments.

Two weeks? Wasn’t that a movie with Mickey O’Rourke or somebody?” was the response.

“It’s concise,” offered one supporter, “and it would give us more time to spend campaigning.

“Yes, I think you’ve got something there but will the public buy it?” asked a third.

“They’ve bought it so far. Just throw in a few mentions of democracy and wave the flag…maybe a brass band and free tickets to the coliseum… I mean circus…”

“Let’s put it to a vote…Aye or Nay,” said a veteran of these things. “The last thing we need is a filibuster. I’m not willing to miss dinner again. These Washington pizzas just aren’t as good as the ones back home in New Jersey.”

Finally the Speaker restates the proposal for those who have not already nodded off the sleep:

“Bill Number 48839 proposes that all Congressional Terms be limited to no more than two weeks. This will create a time period of inactivity (5 years and 50 weeks for Senators and a substantially shorter term for Representatives). Is there discussion?”

An ancient Senator is helped to the podium.

“I forget what I’m doing here,” he starts, his aide whispering the issue into his one good ear. “Oh, yes, term limitations…Will they interrupt my nap? Back when I was in the Electoral College girls and boys didn’t live in the same dorms…”

Another Congressman snaps: “This is another waste of the taxpayers’ money! I have questions for the legislators assembled here: Will there be enough time to placate the special interests in just two weeks? Will the sacred pork barrel runneth dry?”

Everyone in the body looked at each other blankly.

“Yes, and will we get a chance to ride around Washington in our Congressional limos? Can we expect to make the contacts necessary to land a lucrative lobbyist position in just two weeks? Can we hope to vote ourselves another pay raise in that time period?”

The Speaker interrupts.

“These are pertinent questions that we must answered before further pursuing a final vote,” he stressed. “But in today’s arena we cannot simply withdraw to the proverbial smoky room like before. It’s politically incorrect. The voters will think we’re backing the tobacco lobby.”

After a few minutes a vote was taken and the amendment passed. Two-week terms with long recesses and more fact-finding trips to places like Monaco and Fiji. Salaries unaffected. Retirement packages quite substantial. Power.

“I’m confidant the House will go along with this. Now if we can only convince the President to follow suit…” said one member of Congress, “we might finally a responsive government.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe


Tonto Quits

The renowned crime fighting duo, (and local heroes) the Lone Ranger and Tonto are calling it curtains after almost a century riding together.

Tonto, the generally trusted Native American friend of the Lone Ranger, aka Masked Man, was reportedly the one who initiated the split. The famed side-kick will be leaving the team to open a national fast food franchise called Kimosabe’s, another poorly ventilated, bad pizza and beer joint.

Already saddle chatter indicates that there may be legal conflicts over the use of the name Kimosabe since it was copyrighted in the names of both of the crime fighting characters in 1940. Attorneys for the Lone Ranger did not return calls.

Meanwhile the Masked Man has vowed to march on. He is currently accepting resumes and conducting high-powered interviews in an attempt to fill the vacancy created by the buckskinned Tonto, a name which can often mean dummy or stupid in Spanish. Since Tonto is a minority, the Ranger has elected to choose a new companion/backup from a host of such groups.

“I am going to have to put a lot of thought into this,” said the Ranger. “Fans are quite used to The Lone Ranger and Tonto. You know…it has a certain ring to it. I will just have to continue the search until I find a person with the right sounding name.”

Applicants should be “submissive yet brave, attentive yet private, poker faced yet expressive,” according to the Ranger. “Flashy dressers will not be considered for the post and culinary skills are a plus.”

The dilemma is overwhelming. So far the Masked Man has come up with “The Lone Ranger and O’Leary”,  “The Lone Ranger and Moskowitz”, “The Lone Ranger and Wang”, “The Lone Ranger and Washington”, “The Lone Range and Ms. Wilkens” and “The Lone Ranger and Martinez”.

Any interested parties should email the Lone Ranger: silverandaway@hihoranch. 

-Fred Zeppelin 

Autumn Gold Comes ‘Round Again

The mind is a dangerous place to go….

Here in the foothills of the world’s highest ranked website we pay attention to details. For example, unlike the NBA, when Red China banned the site we created a new one in Taiwan and beamed the bastards. Xiang or whatever his name is, was blown over and may never recover. The guy wears a suit like Wall Street and talks like an insurance salesman. Mao would not approve.

That was after we spent all day Saturday cleaning up after the summer nudistas at Skin Beach near Colona. Then we went and played bi-lingual sqarsh for the rest of the day. Then it snowed.

But not in pub, lads. Our dear fiends Bud and Jane stopped by the other afternoon on their way from England to Tucson. Bud “Brandy” Morrow insinuates that gout can be alleviated by the regular application of organic cherry juice with a healthy splash of vodka. I’m game.

Do the Washington Nationals have “angels in the outfield” in 2019? The team appears to be destined for greatness after a sweep of the Cardinals. Now they get to play one of the two monster teams. October will tell.

Oh that reminds me: is not FDA approved. I have to get on that tomorrow or the next day.

Our resident reggae lyricist here has harvest tips. She suggests hurling your marijuana debris such as sticks and leaf into your hot wood fire. That way all the nearby wildlife can enjoy a good buzz and a chilled out experience. Why horde when so many others engage in that activity? (Note: Elk grow their own strain of killer weed in hidden patches all over the National Forest.)

In closing…Does anyone out there know the first three verses of the tune, Chug-A-Lug? Here’s what I have: Makes you wannaa go Hidee Ho, burns your tummy don’t you know…

Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks

(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the late summer.

Earlier rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.

Most say they are already looking forward to spring.

The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.

Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.

-Dolores Alegria