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The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

“A Monkey’s Uncle”

Once again the adventures of your favorite jungle friends are sponsored by O’Hara’s Gourmet Foot Powder and Pink Eye Lotion for the livestock in all of us. “Buy a Gift Basket for the bovine who has captured your heart.” We join this month’s episode in progress.

The scene: A tree house in West Central Africa.

Tarzan: Cheetah like name. She say so.

Jane: But darling, you mistakenly named your pet after a spotted cat. What if Cheetah rejoins the other apes? What happens then? What about her future mate?

Tarzan: Cheetah good name for monkey.

Jane: Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I like it.

Tarzan: Tarzan only uncle here. Jane not uncle.

Jane: Oh, sorry, dear, that’s just an expression.

Tarzan: Jane confuse Tarzan.

Jane: And that’s no chore. Getting back to Cheetah’s plight why can’t we just change her name to something like “Banzo” or “King Kong”?

Tarzan: Jane make joke?

Jane: No joke, Tarzan. What about Konga or Tanga or Carla?

Tarzan: Banzo played with Ronald Reagan. King Kong try to eat New York. Cheetah nice monkey.

Jane: Tarzan, dear, we need to address this situation before Cheetah matures. Remember all the problems we had with Boy in junior high school, in part because of the name you gave him.

Tarzan: Boy good name for boy.

Jane: But the other children made fun of him.

Tarzan: Tarzan think Jane worry too much. Tarzan go out and wrestle with lions, call elephants, throw spears, something important. Jane want to change Cheetah’s name…that OK but remember monkey has name on business cards and personalized stationery.

Jane: Maybe your right, dear, have fun with your animal friends but be careful.


Air Guitar Academy Closes Doors

(Escucha al Monte) The Solo Air Guitar Academy, a social fixture in the region since 1955 has announced its closure effective tomorrow morning. Calling the event unfortunate, sources there say the program was simply a victim of the times.

“Kids today are far too abstract to be entertained strumming the air and pressing fake cords for hours no matter how much they like the tune,” said one instructor who has worked at Solo since it’s founding.

Called Berry Institute at the time, in honor of late rocker, Chuck Berry, the musical program has undergone little change since that time holding on tightly to traditions and showing a stubborn streak when it came to adopting new techniques, especially the use of 8-tracks and cassettes, then digital recording and ipods.

“Air guitar is air guitar,” stressed another instructor who embraces a more classical approach to the musical mime. “Either you have faith or you don’t. Everyone fantasizes about being the lead guitar picker or even fingering the bass. People today expect to be entertained by outside stimuli like television and the internet. They don’t have time for this kind of nonsense, at least in a social regimentation.”

Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered

(Denver)The cost of season or single Bronco tickets is no longer covered by most health insurance programs. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own, cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.

“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.

Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.

SWAT Team Responds to late flies

(Ridgway) The local volunteer civilian SWAT team has released figures on its celebrated autumn fly offensive of 2016, which stretched, at high water mark, from Cow Creek to Elk Meadows. Confirmed kills number in the tens of thousands. In Carne Canyon alone the orange-clad troops told of heavy fighting and a complete defeat for the bothersome insects who, affected by recent cold weather, seemed listless and slow to react to assaults.

One local red crack told The Horseshoe that all the commotion was disturbing the local bear, many whom already suffer from acute hibernative interruptus. He called on all sides to cease hostilities until the spring.

In a related piece the local chapter of the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution is hosting a rummage sale to benefit operations along the border with Latin America. With over 4000 members patrolling the stretch between Nogales and Naco the UDAR hopes to raise $20,000 to purchase lemonade and cookies given to refugees in the Sonoran Desert.

Huey Long Demands Recount

(Baton Rouge) Former Louisiana governor Huey Pierce Long, who was assassinated in 1935, has returned from the grave and is demanding a recount on some municipal election or the other held in Bayou La Fouche or some such place. Saying he was cheated, Long insists that the election was actually a mandate and that he should have been crowned king.

Long was a free-wheeling governor who ran the state in an unorthodox manner until his murder. He may have been a crook but at least he has a bridge named after him which is more than can be said for most folks. He is the first governor from south of the Mason-Dixon Line to come back from the dead (although the 3,028th to demand a recount). Colorado Governor James H. Peabody performed the feat at least three times after his death, once at Vail during a birthday party for then President Gerald Ford and then later while house sitting for Buffalo Phil Cody, the great-niece of Schuyler Colfax.

It is not known how long Long will be in town.

Judiciary Contest Winner Announced

(Crested Butte) Little Melvin Toole of Irwin has won first place in the 2017 Judiciary Contest sponsored by the local civil liberties union. Toole, 6, took home $300 for correctly defining habeas corpus as the right to stand before one’s accuser and the right to protection from unlawful restraint.

The second place finisher Marigold Swami of Crestone defined habeas corpus as producing a dead body while three others said it was a lusty, hummus-like porridge favored by those of Scottish origin.

In the final tally 35% of those participating said habeas corpus was a disease common to wild boar while almost 50% said it was the name of a Roman Emperor. One woman told us it was the name of a popular Durango micro brew.

In addition to the cash Toole will receive an Attica basketball jersey and a free boat trip around Alcatraz Island.

– H. L. Menoken



No more newspaper!

After 40 years the newspaper version of the San Juan Horseshoe has been put to rest but the electronic version is here to stay. Read us on

Heads above the rest

Trump body slams Pence, Ryan and Sessions on green

President Donald Trump body slammed two high ranking members of his administration and the Speaker of the House today after missing a four-foot putt. The gymnastic feats occurred on the 16th hole at his exclusive Truth Monger Country Club in Pokawanakipsie County, Florida.

The attacks came in perfect sequence, surprising a hoard of onlookers but not insiders, who say that pressures related to daily functions have finally reached a boiling point. Many feel the President simply overreacted to harmless taunts about his golf game.

“Paul Ryan laughed when he bladed a nine iron last month,” said Trump spokesperson Yuri Putin. “That’s why the President secretly hates him. He calls him the Irish Undertaker…Says he heard it on cable television.”

Mike Pence is not out of the woods either according to Putin. Only Wednesday the Vice-President angered his boss with an off-handed comment somehow comparing the Commander-in-Chief’s swing with “the movements of an antique waffle iron.”

While the other two stew, Jeff Sessions has apologized for joking about the variety of plastic plants that don the Oval Office. He’s alleged to have said that the President is (to paraphrase) way out in front when it comes to the plastic plant culture. In addition he prefers to walk 18 holes rather than succumb to the slothful golf cart journeys preferred by Trump.

This reportedly irritates the President.

– Susie Compost


(Montrose) People carrying canes here have until Thursday to procure licenses for same or face stiff fines. Whether a citizen is using the cane as a tool, a crutch, a walking stick or simply an accessory he must comply with the new regulation.

Critics of the law say it is just another step toward a national ID card. They say that although the card is presented as necessary security against illegal aliens and terrorists it is just another attempt by the control freaks to look up your dress/down your shorts.

“I’d prefer trainloads of illegal immigrants in my backyard rather than have an ID number stenciled on my forehead,” said Rocky Flats, a semi-retired atomic scientist and frequent cane user from Olathe. “I’m gonna use my cane and I’m not gonna buy no damn license. Them that gets in my way wanting to see credentials will get a close up look at my walking stick, you betcha.”

A free-lance gov’ment source defended the action.

“We don’t want to get involved in people’s personal lives, no sireee…We just want to defuse a potentially explosive scenario before it becomes a life threatening situation,” smiled Suzanne Compost of the Committee for Public Safety.

“What with all those baby boomers hitting senior status we expect to see more people using canes. In fact, we estimate that cane use will all but double by the year 2022.”

Compost went on to deny rumors that the feds will patrol older neighborhoods checking paperwork, even kicking canes out from under elderly people who choose to ignore the law.

“That’s ridiculous,” she quipped. “Some of those old farts carry mace, bite and have mean cats. Why would we jeopardize the safety of our people? We can just wait till these criminals take a nap on a park bench, lay their canes down at the local cafeteria or go to pick up their sociable security checks at the mailbox, then we simply the seize the illegal cane.”

The AARP, the ACLU, Reader’s Digest, the manufacturers of Viagra and several prune juice processing plants have promised to appeal the new legislation.

– Uncle Pahgre