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RATING THE PORTA POTTIES

(The following is a local review of the porta-johns in our natural forests aimed at making your temporary stay a fulfilling one. Each facility is rated on the basis of general cleanliness, aroma, seating capacity, flies, the presence of tissue and overall motif.)

Deer Lakes, Slumgullion Pass: Quite clean as of bow season with air freshener provided by Mother Nature. Plenty of toilet paper and even a small mirror. Seating could be a problem. Some spaced out flies. Nice wallpaper.

Billy Creek: Screens on the window, one roll of floral toilet paper left, along with a 1963 calender. No air freshener available, because someone pried the dispenser off the wall. Situated on a flat surface for a comfortable stay.

Yankee Boy Basin: Locked. Premium pay site just over the next rise.

Paradise Basin: A beneficial redoubt for campers. Once used by Otto Mears. Magazine rack full of U.S. Department of Interior pamphlets. Lots of flies, but a well-stocked array of colored toilet paper. Needs a good pumping out as is evidenced by the presence of complaints scribbled on the wall.

Gothic Campground: No door knob, and the spring needs attention. Very few flies, due to continued use. Excellent graffiti. Seats six. Newly painted in a cheerful brown. Although engineered for optimum flow, its horizontal layout makes doing one’s business a little less than enjoyable.

Daisy Mill Campsites: No porta-john is present but the existence of many suitable logs saves the day. Watch for ticks.

Bridal Veil: Great views from the throne. Running water. Carpet needs to be vacuumed, and the drapes are really faded. FAX machine. No pets. Pack rats have taken over the attic. Smells a lot like a Chinese restaurant.

Swampy Pass: Great place to catch a nap as the commode pulls out into a bed. Attached garage quite functional on colder nights. Limited use facility. Please regulate the use of lime. Fly swatter on left wall. Incredible acoustics.

Colorado Goes To Pot on Housing Shortages

(Reefer Mesa) Lawmakers here have unanimously approved a bill that would encourage the construction of small hemp houses. The first of the low-income/employee residences, built entirely of hemp grown in the state, is slated for inspection in time for ski season.

     The cottages, duplexes and apartments that will grace the mountains and valleys here give new credence to the concept of green. Abundant tax revenues, the result of burgeoning marijuana sales, will be applied to the program as needs become clear.

     Some say marijuana was more fun when it as illegal. Others remember the days when finding suitable housing here was academic. Today many Colorado residents are not smoking the stuff. We’re building houses with it.”

     Not only is the state spending tax revenue on housing but it is now the first state to approve the use of hemp as a building material.

     “The stuff is strong and malleable, lightweight, easy to acquire and eco-friendly, while costing almost nothing” said one state legislator who had initially opposed the arrangement. “We are not puffing around here. We are on the cutting edge. Other states will follow our success.”

     The Trump Administration, driven by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, has threatened to bulldoze the new structures if they are not compliant with federal restrictions on the use of controlled substances.

     “We love to frame out a new house with hemp stalks and insulate the whole dog with shake,” said a carpenter turned grower and designer.             – Tommy Middlefinger

RUST

It can’t be that bad

A golf bag transformed into a lovely planter? Yes, the game of golf can be difficult but a little perseverance goes a long way. Get out of the garden and onto the fairway!

DISNEY EYES COMMUNIST THEME PARK IN CUBA

(Havana UPS) Unconfirmed sources within the Disney corporate network have announced plans to pursue the rights to the construction of a Communist Theme Park here in Old Havana. Alluding to the fact that Cuba is the sole heir to the Marxist ideology, Disney wants to document that period in history with frightening roller coaster rides, sub-tropical sweetmeats and tumultuous economic amusements aimed at recording the ongoing social experiment.

     Despite the large campaign contributions from Cuban dissidents in Miami, world opinion will dictate a change. Politicians in the Estados will soon be forced terminate the bully approach and make peace with Cuba,” said Mickey Duck, vice president of pasteurized cruise lines for Disney. “and when they do our systems will already be in place, insuring visitors from the north that they can set foot on Cuban soil without really having to deal with any Cubans. Our hermetically sealed vacations are the stuff of which legends are made,” he said. “Dirt is out and the cleanliness is in.”

     At present, however, negotiations are at a standstill. The Cuban government wants portraits of fatigued Fidel Castro and the late Che Guevara displayed all about the park while the Disney people are holding firm on trademarks, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck. and Goofy (coincidentally the logo of the Department of Cuban Affairs since Castro came to power). In this clash of ideologies insiders confirm that money will win out over revolution.

     The Yanquis are so sure of the outcome that they have already sunk millions of dollars in the planning stages. The structure of the proposed park is expected to follow the Disney blueprint with segmented attractions following distinct themes. Most of the rides in the exhilarating, yet squeaky clean, Caribe Village will be built with parts from Fifties era autos that currently line Havana’s streets and back alleys. Attractions like the Joe Stalin Mustache Ride and the Batista Whirl are sure to be favorites.

     A dazzling, antiseptic Third World Night life park, offering safe, diluted 3.2 rum drinks and politically incorrect hand-rolled Monte Cristo cigars at inflated prices, will rock until at least dark. Although clean jean Disney stockholders, uncomfortable out of their Puritan comfort zone have began squirming at the thought of vices within the confines of the park, they are expected to bow to lucrative fiscal projections (profits). This sector will be built next to the loud, brightly colored Habaneraland, which celebrates the golden age of Cuban music and dance despite the almost forty-year economic embargo.   

     Sugar Cane Denial Land, chronicles CIA efforts to sabotage desperate Cuban attempts to harvest its major crop in the Sixties. (It was legitimate. The god-less commies were sending sugar to Russia). A proposed haunted house complete with snarling Communist bogeymen is sure to be a hit. The Latin American version of Frontierland will substitute Bay of Pig exiles for warpainted Indians and Russian missiles for coonskin caps according to Disney spokespersons.

     Finally, in what is perhaps the most demanding challenge to date, Disney will wade into the surf with Cuban Flotillaland (rhymes with tortillaland) with 24-hour ferries from the island nation to the Florida Keys. This theme will be carried over like a video game only involving real Cuban gunboats, desperate economic refugees and the vigilant U.S. Coastguard.

     Virgin charter flights are already being arranged from Nicaragua, Canada and Mexico.

– Richard “Santiago” Ricardo

US May Magnetize Proposed Wall

(El Pesto) Shadow forces within the United States government continue to insist that robots from “another place and time” are illegally crossing our southern borders to take jobs away from American workers.
The answer to the problem: Magnetized walls from here to the Pacific Ocean.

Although no immigration wall of this magnitude currently exists many leading social and law enforcement agencies are calling for more security on top of what is yet to be built. Construction of a permanent control structure, once the kingpin of the Trump campaign appears to have fallen through the cracks in light of Russian probes, expensive Florida vacations and the crisis with North Korea.

And now it’s robots.

As anyone educated in the United States knows robots are built of metal and are governed by the laws of gravity and negative attraction factors that are known to immobilize robots. The clandestine blueprint, which allegedly calls for the installation of over 2 billion mounted microscopic magnets on the south side of the wall, has been criticized by a plethora of local business and civic groups and even human rights groups who say the action is not necessary.

“These robots are a figment of a paranoid imagination,” said one small border town mayor. If there are robots coming our way they will most likely take to performing jobs that no one else wants to do. The numbers may spike at first but will soon settle down in response to a sluggish economy like the human surge a few years ago”

He went on to add that most robots are economic refugees and do not pose problems for society.

“There are a few gangsters and criminal robots to be sure,” he frowned, “but what we need are better methods for culling these intruders and separating the bad apples from the good ones.”

Many residents confirm that no new wall has been constructed and that skeleton crews are only repairing existing infrastructure along the existing frontier.

“I for one wish they’d get off this wall business and rebuild the rotting infrastructure in the rest of the country,” scoffed the mayoral source. “Nobody seems too interested in this kind of work. Maybe there’s not enough money to be made. Maybe these robots would be interested in a little moonlighting.”

– Fred Zeppelin