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Raiders Las Vegas Stadium to feature jail and courtroom

Las Vegas Stadium, the new home of the Las Vegas Raiders in 2020 will feature jail cells, judges and gavels to as to deal with unruly fans. Those caught fighting will have seats and season tickets revoked.

The National Football team has called Oakland home for 45 years. It will now play home games in Paradise, Nevada near the watered-down pseudo-sin city out there in the desert.

Stadium security, manned by regular Las Vegas Strip Cops, will attempt to embrace some sort of normality, despite the presence of the NFL’s most disrespectful and disrespected fans base cameos. Genuine Raider football fans should be ashamed of their fellows who miss the point of competitive sports altogether.

Raider fans: Not really so bad ass after all. Is something wrong here?

“These people, these Halloween imbeciles and black attention seekers are nothing more than a distraction from what’s going on on the field,” said former coach Spike Sahara “Considering the level of play in the past ten years that may be a positive. Today it is a ridiculous sideshow performed by narcissistic bullies and costumed thugs who firmly believe that it is all about them. They could be a roller derby for all they know.”

Many pro sources around the league quietly agree saying the gothic and grandiose conduct represents what is wrong with our country and ask why this kind of social interaction is tolerated and even embraced by a lower segment of the intellect and an even lower status of passive aggressive behavior.

“We’ve had years of practice dealing with these types,” said one Las Vegas officer. “Don’ forget – Las Vegas has been the epicenter of professional wrestling since the 70s”

“Despite the contradictions in his remarks, Ali was convinced he could be an effective diplomat — the “Black Henry Kissinger,” as he put it.”  – from Ali-A Life by Jonathan Eig. (Mohammed Ali had offered to trade himself for the Iran hostages in 1979)

Future souls made of plastic says Heaven

A majority of souls issued after 2025 will to be made of plastic according to cherubs on offshore clouds, familiar with this sort of thing. The synthetic material is said to be akin to the thin, crisp plastic used for credit cards and exploratory medical procedures.

Heaven has reportedly been running short of the secret raw materials used to construct the traditional soul. In light of the way humans sometimes treat theirs it should come as no surprise that a crisis has emerged.

Generally issued at birth, souls have been the focus of religious and spiritual searching and often seen as the leg up that humans have over other animals. The ancients have alluded to the status of good souls or bad souls but very few really understand the phenomenon of the whole.

Even though we can’t see or touch them we all seem to realize that they are there and that they perform an integral part of being human. The soul is the hinge to integrity, compassion and conscience. Some scientists and clerics believe that not everyone was born with one.

“This could explain the existence of evil people on the planet,” said one faith healer who claims to have identified over 3000 auras in her lifetime. “When we say James Brown had soul we are talking about something altogether different. Soul is what makes us pleasing to the gods. Soul is why we get out of bed in the morning. Soul makes us look up into the sky for something familiar.

“Just because someone is soulless doesn’t mean they are heartless too,”  said our source. “We can offer these chronic sufferers forehead chips that will substitute for a real soul. The recipient will notice heightened awareness of other beings and a sense of belonging which may not be advantageous in these mean times.

Look: Manfred Sycamore, recognized as the last full time elevator operator in North America (working at at Omaha’s now shabby Downtown Ribeye Hotel) claims that the souls of the dead ride with him on the elevator all the time.

“There’re eight of them in here right now,” said Sycamore, and I’m expecting another batch after the movie lets out.

To find out if you have a soul dial 1 800- OMY-SOUL. Warning: We are experiencing a high volume of calls.

BIGFOOT, MISSING LINK CHECK IN FOR FALL

Bigfoot, (aka Yetti, Sasquatch,Loup-garou, Ucumar, Hoodoo, Grass Man, Yowi, Boggy Bill and Bad Smelling Tree Man) who has been vacationing in Miami since May, is expected back in Western Colorado by November.

“He’ll pop in after all these people go home,” said an unconfirmed source in the Everglades.

A large, suspicious looking  creature, believed to be Bigfoot, was recently sighted near Almont on Friday

He’s frightened by fires and traffic.”

A Welcome Home Bigfoot celebration will be held in conjunction with the November Trout Are Us Banquet at Mañana Electric Shaver Square on November 6. (Held indoors unless in rains). Let’s hope the cookies and milk left out by the Salivation Army do the trick and he shows up.

Legend has it that Bigfoot had been spending his winters in the West Elk Wilderness and has been spotted wandering along Kebler Pass and as far south as Baldwin. Whether a surviving Neanderthal, an ape-man or simply a seven-foot-tall skinny dude that needs a bath and a shave, Bigfoot commands quite a presence.

Bigfoot sighting exactly two seconds before photographer was reunited with camera. “That boy is quicker than a fox if only half as smart.”

In a related piece local police say they are days away from cornering the Missing Link who has been on the lamb since 1969. “The Link” as his cult followers call him, is wanted in connection with genetic sacrilege and species diversion in four states.

In addition there are a bounty of county warrants accusing The Link of rigid transparency, conjured up simplemindedness and of aggravated evasion concerning issues such as origin and eternity.

He is also wanted in Grand Junction for loitering.

-Estelle Marmotbreath

“We are definitely alone out there, orbiting our chosen star like an onion bagel in the vast Universe.”

– Abe Salmon, Famous Ridgway Loxsmith

End of the summer heater

Koral Delatierra wails on Saturday night at the KBUT Big Blue Festival held at the IBar Ranch in Gunnison. Lead singer for the Telluride band Niceness, she belts out reggae in audience with the full moon. Ten bands and an assortment of festival fanatics roamed the grounds for two days, camping, eating, drinking and dancing. A fine job all around.

O’Toole hits into record pace 93 double plays

Melvin “Breakfast Meat” O’Toole hit into a record 93rd double play this afternoon, breaking ancient records dating back to Doubleday. The Mañana Ayers Double Dip Digit League standout performed the feat with 40 games left on the schedule.

Toole hanging in Manana, 1920

“It is unfathomable for a player to continue at this pace,” said Mona Byrnes, proprietor of Heart Byrnes Food Truck, which is often parked in front of the popular keystoner’s locker. “Imagine what he could do in 200 games!”

During the cycle O’Toole was repeatedly clocked at under a minute from home to first. Despite his catty ways at the plate his speed didn’t help his stats much. Some say he would have turned in even better numbers between second and third but, in his lengthy and distinguished career, he has never been to second or third.

“A hard grounder is a hard grounder…6 to 4 to 3,” said Byrnes between sausages and pizza. “It’s a lot like these nachos here. Without the salsa they’d never make it to first base.”

O’Toole is also famous for the introduction of a 200 mile-per-hour knuckle-curve back in 1919, which was subsequently banned in 1920 due to damage to backstops and injuries to batters, catchers and umpires.

– Susie Compost

Rose Hall Bid Hacked by Russians

(Cooperstown)  The continued exclusion of Pete Rose from the Baseball Hall of Fame is the result of intrusions by Russian robots that don’t know right field from the batting cage.

Supporters of Rose, arguably the best player ever to play the game, insist that there must be an evil, alien force behind the dirt that comes up on Rose every time there is another examination of his worthiness. The purposeful interference in baseball supersedes the alleged Russian collusion within the Trump Administration since baseball is hallowed and American politics are lewd and indecent.

“How else could the committee continue to blackball Rose?” asked a fan from across the river at Covington. “We’re not looking for him to get in the hall for his broadcasting talent or his personal charm but only as Charley Hustle.”

Purists insist that the Cincinnati Reds had nothing to do with the past snubs and that the similarity of names is coincidental.

“We were the Reds in 1869,” said one Rose aficionado. “Karl Marx didn’t make it to the big leagues until 1867 and Lenin failed to make an impact until 1905. Neither could hit the curve ball but did quite well in other arenas.”

– Tar Sands