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Relief for seniors

Are you 100 years old or more and have never had so much as a parking ticket? The Gov’ment may pay to paint your house. Little-known program available to seniors, juniors, snowflakes, rednecks and illegals.

Up to $5000 in non-fire zones. Flood plains slightly less. Enamel or gloss. Ladders not included. We do not use forced labor from the nation’s private prison population unless local ordinances deem otherwise.

For more please tear out the eligibility form from this months’ Magpie Magazine:
The slick ‘zine for those who see life strictly in Black and White.

Black Powder Days Slated for November

(Crested Butte) Licensed hunters can once again shoot deer or elk from the ski lifts during Black Powder Days, November 3 – 6. The annual celebration, controversial since its inception in 2013, is expected to draw more than 500 sharpshooters eyeballing some 200 special licenses to a late October draw.

Local hunters will be given priority when signup begins. Times are to be chosen at random and depend on snow depths and migratory patterns. Most veterans of the extreme sport agree that early morning and dusk are the most advantageous times to hunt and add that bonus reconnaissance lift ride offers a slew of benefits to the seasoned as well as the novice shooter.

The ski area, owned by Vail, says it can easily accommodate 1000 hunters but that limits are in place to keep the event small and homey. Sources on the I-70 Corridor confirmed plans to add “an assortment” of entertaining sidelines along with the traditional ski experience.

“We must be ready to pounce on any opportunities to expand our shrinking custom base,” said a Vail source. “We could never pull this off at Vail since we are in close proximity to the liberals on the Confront Range whereas Gunnison County is full of hicks who like this kind of thing. They even have a rodeo every summer.”

A spokesman for the Colorado Division of Wildlife denied any knowledge of Black Powder Days contending that Vail or any other ski concern does not receive privileges not extended to every citizen of the state.

“We don’t know anything about DOW bigwigs skiing for free either,” said the source.

– Filly Buster

 

End of world already happened says scientist

(Ouray) A transcendental scientist here says the much-feared apocalypse (end of the world) has already taken place and that what we are seeing and experiencing now is simply a dream. Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, former director of the Macro-Buddhist Study Institute on Red Mountain says the end came fifteen years ago but that everyone had been too busy and self-absorbed  to notice it.

“Today,” he asserted, “our entire spectrum is dependent on the generally Lilliputian human imagination to support cosmic flow created by the revolutions and desertions of other heavenly bodies.”

Tinkleholland, who catapulted to fame in early 1988 after proving that Elvis Presley was alive and living on the planet Neptune, is the former chair of the Department of Astrology and Sports Medicine at the prestigious Cal Amari Institute.

Later he offered strong evidence that our daily lives are an illusion created by our memories and fears.

“It’s like going to the movies without sound or even popcorn,” said the professor.

The extraterrestrials, he insists, not only visited our mountain towns during tourist season but that these every one of these space wanderers bought cowboy hats while in the Rockies.

“They still like to dress up like cowboys when given the chance,” said Tinkleholland. “Who wouldn’t?”

Pornographic evidence of an alien visitor riding a bull at the 2009 Ouray Rodeo is allegedly in the possession of the state police.

“He made it to the bell but then swallowed his chew,” laughed Tinkleholland. “They sure don’t make other world cowpokes like they used to.”

Restating his appraisal that our world is only a dream, the professor looked down his nose at assembled guests saying, “There’s really no reason to worry anymore. We might just as well have a good time. Bring me another rum!”

– Estelle Marmotbreath

       

“I coulda had lots of religion

saved for all to see

but fo’ bad women and smooth whiskey,

I just could not let them be.”

      – Jefferson Washington, “King of the Blues”

CAR ALARM CHECK POINTS PRESERVE THE PEACE

(Howardsville) Visitors to Western Colorado are reminded to check their car alarms with the local magistrate before entering downtown areas. Adherence to this law is easy and fun!

Just pull over at any one of the many checkpoints and leave your car alarm there. Although some people find the regulation somewhat inconvenient, simple compliance will ensure the safety of everyone.

“The days where everyone waltzed around our towns with a car alarm on his hip are over,” said one deputy. “We’re civilized now and the boom and bust Wild West has been tempered. We’ve got leash laws, parking meters, zoning laws, speed limits, and noise ordinances. Nobody wants to be confronted by some trigger-happy drifter anxious to show off his car alarm.”

Since the law went into effect in June, car alarm noise has all but disappeared from the dusty streets. Locals have returned to the primitive practice of leaving their keys in the ignition. Kids steal hubcaps. Sheep graze happily on Elysian ridges. All is one.

Persons failing to comply with this law face arrest and subjection to hours of badly recorded heavy metal music. Further resistance will be dealt with harshly with offending motorists ostracized and facing feudal banishment.

– Rocky Flats

BAT BOY SIGNS FOR 1.2 MILLION

(New Jork) Your New York Mets’ batboy has signed a multi-year contract extension estimated to be in the neighborhood of 1.2 million dollars with incentives. Mickey Mandolin, the instant millionaire was unavailable for comment because he was in school. The Mets front office acknowledged that the contract would probably set a dangerous precedent but feared losing the 14-year-old to free agency.

“Did you ever try to get a decent batboy on a weekend,” said Marvin Tinkleholland, Player Support Coordinator for the team. “If we’re paying players millions we have to keep up on player support personnel or we’re dead in the water. Paying the batboy by the hour while the rest of the team rakes in the cash is akin to serfdom. Mr. Doubleday would not have been pleased.”

Insiders agree that the Mets are searching for the right chemistry that will produce a pennant sometime soon. Consistency is the key and they appear unwilling take the time to break in another batboy for next season.

“Mandolin’s salary is equivalent to what most of our players spend on their laundry,” smiled Tinkleholland. “We’ll just jack up the ticket prices and double the price of a hot dog. New Yorkers are accustomed to getting screwed.”

The young New York “lumber clerk” is the first batboy to exceed a million dollars in salary. Three others make an annual salary in the neighborhood of $600,000, not counting an initial signing bonus, lucrative endorsements, retirement packages and incentives.

“That’s not a bad payday for about six months work,” stressed Tinkleholland. “In the spastic spectator frenzy of the 21st Century entertainment, even the batboy is a major draw.

– Rocky Flats