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SAN JUAN SHAVINGS

with Uncle Pahgre

Local celebrities to give away money

(Telluride) A wagonload of celebrities, and some what think they are, has formulated an “arrangement” aimed at allowing them to rejoin the ranks of mortals. The luminaries currently share space on the planet with the masses and have now turned their illustrious heads toward parity for all.

The blueprint calls for committed celebrities to leave baskets of cash all over San Miguel and Ouray Counties marked “Please accept this cash donation with best regards”. It is then signed by the donor with either his/her real name or a stage name.

“For instance Sylvester Stallone might sign his basket `Rambo’ or Jennifer Lopez might write ‘Barcelona’ on her offering,” said Melvin Toole, coordinator of the event and the only honest man left in either county. “Imagine the relief as these notables get rid of the trappings of fame and success. Imagine the happiness these gifts will bring to residents of the San Juans who work all week, pay taxes and are waiting to refill coffers during the summer months. It’s like a local lottery where someone actually has a chance of winning something,” he sobbed. “It’s beautiful.”

The celebrity consortium, numbering over 50 people, will give away an estimated 4.8 million dollars over the next two months, holding back a few thousand dollars to get them through until the next film, CD or book hits the big money machine.

“It’s really no big deal,” said one renown director. “Easy come…easy go, you know.”

Some of the rich and famous have not joined in the mass hand outs, preferring to keep their booty for themselves. Critics suggest that somewhere down the road these persons will face diminished status within the parade of face and name recognition.

“How will people be able to determine real celebrities from plain old people who just happen to be rich,” suggests Toole. “Talk about buying notoriety. We’ve opened up Pandora’s Box once again.”

He insists that this phenomenon is real and that locals should keep an eye on the mailboxes, be on the lookout for discarded grocery sacks and shoe boxes and leave their car windows open so as to be receptive to abrupt deposits.

RIDGWAY GETS CRIME GRANT

(Tail Town) Ridgway has been named the recipient of a $300,000 grant which seeks to bring the criminal element into town government. The money will be spent to lure low lifes into the town infrastructure so that the town council can rationalize hiring more police officers.

“It’s a win-win situation here,” says Suzie Compost, director of criminal activities for the council. “It’s simple supply and demand politics in full regalia. We like it.”

The grant came faster than expected, especially considering that it had to be approved point by point on the state level. First, local police were complaining about nothing to do, nobody to arrest. Second, they (the cops) started hanging out in front of the bars, shadowing revelers. Third, the revelers got mad and complained back to the town council. Fourth, the council decided to shift the heat and petitioned the state to do something.

“We’re amazed at the speed of the response,” said Compost. “Usually they take longer than that to get their pencils sharpened every day. We’re not ready to put the plan into action and already those people are arriving in town. Maybe we’ll just deputize everyone.”

ALIENS TO SKIP ROSWELL UFO REUNION

(Norwood) Space travelers from distant stars will avoid landing near Roswell, New Mexico this summer due to the presence of some 3,000 happy campers who have paid $60 (per night) for the privilege of camping there. The campers will sleep at the site of a purported spacecraft crash in 1947.

UFO aficionados will engage in the week-long celebration in early July, commemorating the anniversary of the alleged sighting, called “dubious at best” by the Air Force. Meanwhile the supposed alien clique will gather on Wright’s Mesa.

Forward agents for the aliens have already booked hotels and the grocery, bars and liquor stores are gearing up for what may be the most lucrative week of the summer.“This could be bigger than the Prairie Dog Shoot,” said one Norwood spirits provider. “It’s tough to know what to order, though. I don’t know what aliens drink.”

The aliens reportedly chose Norwood since the town has a reputation for tolerance.

“We’ve had to tolerate all those refugees from Telluride over the years,” said one resident who asked not to be named. “That’s no simple chore, you know.”

A rancher near Roswell found debris on July 8, 1947, including some sort of flying disc which the Air Force said was part of a top secret monitoring balloon. A less publicized spaceship landing on Grand Avenue in 1948 appears somehow linked to the Roswell shindig but, in over 60 years, no other explanation has surfaced

“The Air Force has been spying on our cows for the past 20 years and they’ve denied that too,” said an official Norwood source that demanded anonimity. Now they say there are no UFOs around here despite the fact that everyone has seen them. Imagine that.”

FEDS RAID HORSESHOE WEB SITE

(Colona) Combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Infestation, the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution and the Newt Whirled Order carried out an intricate predawn raid of the San Juan Horseshoe Web Site near here. The once secret location was tear gassed and burned to the ground, its apparatus hauled off to crime laboratories for extensive testing.

The law enforcement agencies found cellular phones, a laptop computer, an extensive file with the home numbers of local pizza delivery personnel, a Colombian flag, some stale doughnuts, an 800 number, empty beer cans and a clock radio. They think the operators of the web site might have been spying for North Korea, Iran or both. In addition, preliminary data, collected on the spot, suggests a connection with the infamous Colona Mail Order Bride Ring, recently brought to its knees, with the help of local informants.

This is the second successful haymaker delivered by the FBI in as many years. Readers may choose to recall the apprehension of Red McSwill on Log Hill Mesa who, doing business as Red’s Garage, was indicted for tampering with local odometers during the Nixon Presidency. He is currently serving a prison sentence in his mother-in-law’s home at Nucla.

SLEEPING INDIAN PRIMED FOR SNEEZE

(Ridgway) One of the region’s most dominant landmarks, the Sleeping Indian, appears primed for his 100-year explosion this month. The Native American rock formation’s first recorded sneeze came in 1618 and was witnessed by Fathers Escalante and Dominguez as they traveled through the San Juans searching for a place to build a real estate office. Later in 1718 the chief blew up again, causing the Uncompahgre River to change course. In 1818 it was more of the same thing with the nasal explosion leaving collapsed bridges and destroyed barns in its wake.

The last time the Sleeping Indian sneezed it was with such force and determination that it effectively destroyed the town of Ridgway and the railroad all the way to the town of Dallas. That was 1918 and the recovery goes on. In fact, the only building left standing was the Little Chef Bar, a sacred location on most Ute topo maps.

In a recent example, the Ridgway Reservoir is proof that the chief packs quite a sneeze.

Residents are urged to stay in their homes until after the chief goes off. Note: Ridgway Hardware will be selling folding chairs through July with which to view the sneeze.

CAMP BIRD NETS ANCIENT DIRT SAMPLES

(Ouray) Recent excavations at the Camp Bird Mine have some geologists wondering how long rocks have been in the ground. Early samples of dirt and rocks were discovered last summer as far up as Yankee Boy Basin all the way down to Box Canyon.

“This changes everything,” said local geologist Tom Rosemeyer. “It’s now clear that the earth is a hell of a lot older than we thought and so are the people engaged in stupid articles like this one.

     

     

Are you experienced?

Playing a left-handed stratocaster James Marshal Hendrix was already an accomplished musician when he enlisted in the Army in 1961. Assigned to the 101st Airborne, he was discharged after a year and a jumping injury. Jimmy didn’t fit well in the military routine. The above picture was snapped at Ft Campbell, Kentucky.

MALE DOGS LIE SAYS STUDY

(Curville, CA) Old dogs do engage in new tricks if data collected at Cal Amari University is to be believed. According to a just completed study male dogs are liars.

Ninety percent of the canines observed attempted to lure female dogs into promiscuity by pretending to have food. The liars exuded or secreted a specific aroma that often convinced female dogs that the male knew where to get food or had food stashed. The results of the isolated tests have gone a long way toward convincing animal behaviorists that dogs are far more intelligent that had been supposed and gives further credence to the concept of letting a sleeping dog lie.

“It’s the same with male humans,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Cal Amari. “How do you think all those marginal restaurants stay in business?”

Pennywhistle, recently fired from his position as Head Wienerwurst at nearby Frankfurter Community College, insisted the data collected is relevant and that, in addition, cats have been lying to their keepers since the days of the Egyptians.     

-Dag Katz

“Of all the people on earth only merchants tell the truth, but only when they are talking to each other, and sometimes not even then.”  – Alessandro’s father Giuliani in A Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin

Jails To Be Emptied for Cattlemens’ Days

(Gunnison) Prisoners currently incarcerated at Gunnison city and county jails will be released as part of a general amnesty celebrating the 118th Annual Cattlemen’s Days Rodeo. The shackled will be expected to report back to jail at the close of ceremonies on July 12 – 15.

It is hoped that this benevolent gesture might convince anarchist guerrillas hiding in the mountains to let go some 200 hostages taken during the siege of the Marshal Pass Armory in April.

“We don’t know yet if the emancipation will include political prisoners or if this is actually the beginning of a general amnesty,” said one officer. “Details are expected to be made clear at a press conference tomorrow.

Meanwhile guerrilla leaders have announced a massive fish fry on the eve of further negotiations aimed at ending their 40-year stalemate with the State. Opponents say the guerrillas possess no current fishing licenses and may have employed slave labor to secure the mighty catch. Although no exact time or location for the feed has been established, the public is cordially invited.

Prisoners failing to return to the confinement facility on the date imposed will miss the monthly taco night and could be deemed ineligible for parole until 2026.

     

Bone Crushing Plant Spoils Dump View For Newlyweds

(Tomichi Creek) In a post-nuptial action a recently married couple has filed $2.3 million damage suit claiming that the construction of a new bone crushing plant has spoiled their view of the county landfill.

Mel and Belle Toolini, sagebrush researchers attached to the local extension service, contend that height restrictions and visual impact regulations were not adhered to by Cornwell, Marrow and Herd, an international bone crushing concern headquartered in Gillette, Wyoming. The firm specializes in landfill down-sizing and assorted hostile takeovers.

“We fully understand that the area desperately needs bone crushing facilities but not right out our picture window,” said Belle. “Wouldn’t it be easier to conduct their crushing operations at a single-story capacity? They don’t need upstairs executive offices and an employee lounge. What’s wrong with a small trailer, a cooler and a horseshoe pit like other companies use?”

 In a show of support over 400 local families have sent cookies and cake to the newlyweds. One even sent a pot roast.

“We’d like to thank everyone for their gifts but sooner or later one of us is going to have to learn how to cook,” teased Mel.

Maybe not. If the plaintiffs are successful the plant will have to conform to county building codes. However, if their attempts fall short it will be curtains for their view, which they say is the main motivation they bought the property in the first place.

In the event that they lose the case, Cornwell, Marrow and Herd has threatened to pull up stakes and relocate to a spot upwind from the Montrose Dump where tax enticements flourish and more liberal deed restrictions apply.     

– compiled by Sir Otis of Liver

      

LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

(Colona) The United States Forest Circus has issued a warning to all humans using the public lands: Leave new wildlife alone! Cubs, fawns, chicks and other infant mammals, not mobile enough to travel with their mother while she hunts for food, are often left behind in a safe place. If left undisturbed the babies will be rejoined by parents and nurtured.

Interruptions on the part of nosy humans creates the biggest problem according to the Colorado Division of Wildlife.

“Predators do their dirty work to be sure,” said Jack Spratt of the DOW. “That’s part of nature. It’s when these do-gooders and technological throwbacks get involved that we have real problems.”

Spratt says people should follow common sense rules and leave the babies alone.

“How would human parents feel if resident deer and/or chipmunks on vacation monkeyed with their infants when they stepped out for a breath of fresh air or to hit the can?” he stressed. “They wouldn’t like it.”

The proper response is always to avoid interrupting the natural relationship between animal families. If someone discovers a potential orphan he should leave it be at least until the DOW has had time to contact the parent. In addition, it is highly illegal to adopt a fawn or cub. At present there are over 2000 inmates doing hard time in Colorado prisons for these infractions.

“This doesn’t mean people can’t squash flies and mosquitoes no matter what their age,” said Spratt. “They are considered pests and have little use except to enterprising spiders and hungry bats.”

Another bugaboo is dogs and cats. These natural predators see young wildlife as dinner. It’s up to the owner to monitor pet behavior and thus protect infant deer or rodents from these often sporting carnivores. This can be achieved by training or restraining canines and placing a bell on the collar of prowling, domestic panthers.

   “The ending to the story can be happy or sad depending on the human factor,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe, adding that in over 43 years, this was the first functional USFS press release received by his periodical.

In a related story, the feds denied reports that dropping 4500 new porta-johns in National Forests throughout the West would disturb the wildlife there. The pooper shacks are deemed necessary where people are charged camping fees or admission. Insisting that the potties are placed in areas already contaminated by human smells, the feds say animals don’t venture into these environs anyway.

In a further release from combined federal agencies it is apparent that the potties are a definite go. These custodians of the forest are the same ones responsible for erecting over 14 million signs on public lands from Missoula to Bisbee since Teddy Roosevelt’s day. Critics say the feds could have limited the number of unnecessary signs to about 20 and saved thousands of trees in the process.

 

“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”

– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings, Testosterone Bros. Boston

     

     

         

Onion Recount Concluded

(Montrose) A controversial recount of yellow onions harvested here has been completed showing no misconduct or wrongdoing on the part of commodity traders or the farmers themselves. Following the lead of politicians, many protesting ballot results in national and state elections, local farmers demanded a full recount of produce figures back in October when the crop was first harvested.

Although preliminary summations appear to have been correct many farmers remain unconvinced of prescribed tonnage results and the number of truckloads delivered to prearranged sights.

“We’re not dealing with mom and pop groceries and family-owned produce stalls anymore,” said one angry onion farmer. “It’s a whole new arena today, one populated by crooked brokers, out-of-town banks and other corporate interests. With low wholesale prices and increased costs we have to watch out for ourselves. Discrepancies involving so much as a truckload or two could determine who stays in business and who starts looking for other work.”

The cost of the recount is estimated to be in the neighborhood of $350,000 which will be extracted from state lottery funds and newly approved taxes on tobacco products. Potato farmers, an untrusting lot by definition, are expected to follow suit, with a possible recount slated for fall of 2005.

In a related development the over 10,000 onion counters participating in the action will not be eligible for benefits since they are classified as part-time agricultural workers and were given free lodging during the almighty quest.

“You still have to go to Confession but you can bring your lawyer.”

– Ed McMahon on the advantages of being half Catholic and half Jewish.