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YOGA PANTS AMENDMENT TIGHTLY CONTESTED

Opinion

With the passage of the once contested Yoga Pants Amendment it is crystal clear that society has reached a point of diminished returns when it comes to fashion, good taste and trendy fashion statements.

The bill, passed by a slim margin in the House, bulled its way through the Senate resulting in a near disaster as it flew through an open window, crashing into a herd of food carts jockeying for position just outside the Capitol.

One vender, Mama’s Good Cookin’, was held hostage by male assailants in off-maroon yoga pants who demanded the nation return to its roots and reinvent imported chemical clothing made of inferior fibers in sweat shops. They then singled out anyone wearing Spamdex for further harrassment.

Screaming “This ain’t the land of cotton”, they employed a circuit of flying buttresses and remain dug-in across the hall from a Congressional dressing room once used by both John Wilkes Booth, Greta Garbo and Spiro Agnew at different times in their respective careers.

“Yoga pants are a privilege, not a right,” they shouted as the police closed in with tanks and small artillery.

In response to what the feds are calling a blatant terrorist attack, the White House declared martial law, prohibiting yoga pants in public places until the matter accepted by hostiles on both legs of the issue.

We were then reminded of the dire warnings spewed by martyred yoga pants rights activist, Chipper Putt (MA in mantric landscaping, burned biscuits and theological rectitude) who in his last moments at the stern imparted:

“First let me say that I have over 32 tattoos and 11 piercings and I am no fool. This whole yoga pants controversy is an embarrassing exercise in the waste of man’s intellect. It’s as if we were debating the circumference of hoop skirts.”

It’s like the Cliff’s Notes (dated) to a rambling, soapy novel that no one would believe: A Russian agent in a red tie (blackmailed for past perversions and fiscal arrangements) manages to bully the US government on the backs of his less than erudite faithful who he will stiff in the end. The story will never sell because no one will buy it.”

– Pegleg O’Sullivan

Snow Heart

Maybe good luck or maybe good luck in romance? A heart in the snow in Ouray. Photo by Delinda Austin

 

 

Motorists Can Text While Driving But Can’t Drive a Stick

More and more people in the country cannot drive standard transmissions. This dreadful phenomenon, ascertained to be part of the human evolution of the 21st Century by automakers, has cheapened the driving experience and given the motorist less control in bad weather. It also sums up diminished statistics for responsible consumption of petroleum.

Is the availability of standard transmissions based on supply and demand or on other dark economic manipulations by the auto industry? Did the introduction of fuel-injected engines make operation of a car too easy and lead to the desire for more comfort?

For decades, since the end of the classical/romantic era where drivers cherished their chariots, the car manufacturers have seen consumers as technological bozos that do not want to perform unnecessary tasks while behind the wheel.

Apparently playing the radio, fooling with the electric windows and peering into the rear view dominate the short-fuse attention span. The names GTO or 442 or even four-on-the-floor are lost on these folks, many of whom say they are Nascar fans.

“Is it really all that difficult to engaged the clutch? smiled one consumer advocate. “The driver of a stick shift is more in tune with his vehicle and in turn better connected to the road. All one has to do is take a little spin and he will be convinced.”

But they can all text while at the wheel and manipulate smart phones like nobody’s business. They just can’t tell second gear from reverse that could be fatal in the flash between safe driving and incompetent

The development, while a passing wind to most, seriously disturbs automotive experts who say it can only mean more speed bumps to less brainpower on the road.

– Alfalfa Romero

“We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.” – Jonathan Swift

HUMANS IGNORE EARTH’S EVICTION NOTICE

(Flint, Michigan) An “official-looking” eviction notice, which was received by the United States Congress last week, has reportedly been burned.

The assertive, almost belligerent demand contained no return address or exact timetable for the forced exile “of all creatures great and small”. Experts say there is no doubt as to the origin of the ultimatum warning humans of dire consequences facing the planet and all of its inhabitants.

It was addressed to Caring Members of Congress, which in itself illustrates the futility of the action. After nervously sitting on the notice for a few days the legislative body opted to burn the document “rather than frighten the American people with trivialities.”

The eviction papers were then allegedly singed then consumed by flames at a Georgetown barbecue last weekend. Passersby say neocons and other toadies in attendance cheered as the fire engulfed the discounted message.

The lavish barbecue, financed by drilling interests in the Chesapeake Bay region, targeted moderate politicians, fossil fuel enthusiasts and potential investors.

A spokesman for the White House toasted the burning saying she would not be intimidated by “some senile old planet’s concerns” in the face of profits. She said the unfortunate row was generated by and produced for malcontents and socialists who think the survival of the planet is more important than money.

“What fools,” she said. “I drive a new car. They take the bus.”

“It looked mighty authentic,” quipped one of two Senators from Wyoming. “It even had the Great Seal of the Solar System on it. At first it looked like an IRS love letter or a draft notice but after further examination it resembled a parking ticket.”

Congressional Republicans constantly host bonfires/book burnings on the White House lawn every Wednesday night where lies are rampant and the news is buried. Articles, essays, certificates and manuscripts, deemed critical of the president, are methodically discarded by the brainless and destroyed by the eternal flames of greed and indifference.

The Planet Earth’s next move is anyone’s guess.

– Tommy Middlefinger

“I didn’t see where I had any other options.”

-Melvin O’Toole, when asked what drove him to embrace silliness, the ridiculous and the absurd.

 

God Recuses Self From Human Predicament

(Celestial Fields) The Creator has reportedly recused himself from the frantic situation on earth saying that the recklessness of humans was “not what I had in mind when I concocted the place.”

The announcement came as a shock to many of the self-proclaimed faithful who thought they had in inside route to salvation. A spokesman for the Omnipresent Being went on to explain that God was sick of all the holier-than-thou solicitation and the burgeoning requests from the righteous who do next to nothing to help their fellows.

“Maybe someday these tiny-brained beggars will really read their bible and start practicing love and kindness toward other inhabitants of the planet,” said a voice from a nearby cloud.

Spiritual watchdogs expressed further concern with a shocking announcement that God would employ Instant Replay to determine who had been good and who had been bad. The concept of forgiveness, they say, would take on a whole new light.

“The adoption of further review could put a lot of people in hot water and a lot of charlatans out of business,” said the cloud voice. “Getting away with cheating will be far more difficult and these saints might have to embrace conscience instead of mouthing their counterfeit chants.”

“So this guy created this whole mess and now he’s baling?” one mega minister asked his congregation. “Maybe we’d be better off living for today and not worrying about all this eternity business.”

In what might be the first time mortal journalists have interviewed someone of such high status, the question was posed and then waved off, only to be tackled by a pasty-faced, bespectacled archangel with a stuffed briefcase.

“That’s what they say, and yes…God may well be on to other solar systems,” said the archangel. “The time has come for you to survive on your own without transcendent input. You knew there were no guarantees when deliverance was concerned.

– Dieter Upanishads

“Governments don’t really govern. They just promote campaign slogans, questionable elections and keep the money moving.” – Uncle Spam

Byzantines Will Loan Money for US Border Wall

(Constantinople) The Byzantine Empire (330 -1453) has agreed to loan the United States 8 billion dollars to pay for the construction of a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Sidestepping accusations of collusion, the Byzantines reluctantly agreed to bring in slave labor.

The loan would be of the World Bank quagmire meaning that the money would be loaned to the current rulers who could spend it as they see fit and then pass the debt along to the taxpayers, often into the next generation.

“It works great if you happen to be on the top of the egg,’ said Sparrow Maguire, a poultry philosopher of some regard. “If you are poor you are now poor with fewer services. If you are rich you can pay for the services and life will continue as it was before. The ramifications: Cold, hard fiscal disaster hits Grandpa in the teeth or little cousin Mary can’t go to college. The family flooded out last spring will starve. There are no libraries or free swimming pools.”

Agreeing that the proposed and hotly contested separation structure was “a medieval answer to a 21st Century problem”, the Byzantines cast themselves as experts, having once overseen the construction of what is arguably the finest wall of the Middle Ages.

Saying that they always paid subcontractors, and that this Bone Star Wall was no more than a monument to narcissism, the Byzantine National Bank remained poised to cut a check this morning while fist fights erupted in the House of Reprehendables.

Pro-Wall demonstrators clamored for more walls while cheering and delighting to murals of famous great walled cities on a Pennsylvania Avenue big screen. The walls of Monteriggisni in Italy, Cartagena in Colombia and Znojmo in the Czech Republic were there for all to see.

“They are magnificent,” said Maguire. “Eminent domain is not so bad. I figure a lot of these folks voted for it. They want to keep those dirty immigrants out but not with their land up for grabs.”

What the Byzantines hope to gain from the arrangement was not clear as the second round of negotiations came to a close on Friday. Insiders say there is more to this rodeo than barrel racing. Some say they smell a rat.

“Hey, walls are great, for a while and for temporary purposes,” said Basina Minicea of the Byzantine Coalition, currently shaking off sand at a West Palm Beach seminar. “We have the money stashed from a Knights Templar foul up in 1187 and would like to see it grow.”

Although no interest rate was discussed, it prompted Pro Wall advocates through The South to offer “wall acreage” to their besieged leaders. Unfortunately the land offered was nowhere near an international border and immigrant traffic is negligible.

The Constantinople Wall, built in the 4th and 5th Centuries, housed an entire city inside with size a scale unseen in the modern world. It stood twelve meters high and a massive barrier chain of wood and iron shackles could be dragged and anchored to protect the nautical approaches to the city.

“It worked well for us until the 15th Century when the Ottoman Turks showed up outside of town and kicked our asses,” said Minicea.

 If all goes well the ruins of the wall might be rediscovered 1500 years from now much to the delight of archeologists and grave robbers. According to past histories it might attract a few tourists.

 – Melvin O’Toole