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Congressional Flag Football to Feature Vampires and Zombies

(Warshington) Partisan legislators hit their respective locker rooms on Friday in apprehension of a noon kickoff. First to arrive were the Republican Vampires*, out for blood after a loss to the Democrat Zombies** in last year’s match.

“We’re out to avenge the wrongs perpetrated the last time we took the gloves off. We have firmed up our right flank and added a few new plays that we signed into law in the middle of the night when no one was looking,” said House Majority Leader, Mitch “Wimp” McConnell, starting tailback for the Vampires.

The Democrat Zombies*, arriving by mass transit to little fanfare, quickly assembled in the locker room to the left. Those claiming to be in the know say the squad will have a full repertoire of defensive alignments and a splendid receiving corps that has been sitting on its hands since shocking losses in 2016.

But just as the coin toss was about to go up and then come down somebody noticed the integral little pocket flags were not in attendance. They were not where they should be.

“They were here a moment ago,” someone said. “Where could they have gone?” said Neil M. Gorsuch, a Supreme Court appointee and one of the day’s referees. “They were in the crate with the backup footballs,” said a worried equipment specialist.

Neither team will wear helmets so that lobbyists can easily recognize who is who when the ball is snapped and thus measure the impact of campaign contributions on gamesmanship. Both will don plastic mouth guards that elevate the art of double-talk and protect those winning smiles.

A few more moments of embarrassed searching netted nothing. Murmurs of blame began arising with each side blaming the other side for the blunder.

“This was no oversight,” said Sen. Michael Bennett, a Zombie who, despite spending lots of time on the field has had little impact on national politics. “They don’t want to play us because they know we’ll beat them again,” he said, ducking a large Rocky Ford melon hurled by a fan, presumably unimpressed with his jargon.

Vampire Senator Cory Gardner, wiping raw rotten egg from his jersey, will handle water boy duties due to a bone spur problem that will keep him out of action, retorted by insisting the Zombies took the flag.

“We could just play with this Russian flag,” he offered. “Then we’ll see who is best on a level playing field. Gardner, who cannot catch or tackle, but is a dynamic force on the bench, missed 5 of the 6 practices due to responsibilities in Colorado’s fracking fields, where he counts money.

The game, played at the Lester Maddox-Malcolm X Sports Complex on the city’s rougher NE side each year, was decidedly tedious to watch last year with little action and lots of trash talking. Both sides blamed the other for the lack of scoring, with Zombies calling on Vampires to end the logjam and Vampires beating their chests chanting the parasitic slogan “Make America Bait Again!”

The play-by-play, scheduled to run simultaneously with movement in the chamber, was shelved last night because there has been little to no engagement since the Dubya Years. The business of the nation is not on today’s lineup card replaced by infighting, pettiness and greed on both sides of the gridiron.

The American people, not invited to the game so as to make more room for lobbyists, continue to support these tired old teams, although the experts suggest that many younger players will fill the ranks in the coming year.

Odd footnote: Donald Trump was not invited to the football game. A Zombie spokesperson quipped that maybe the president had a conflicting tee time for that date. Vampires say it was a simple oversight. GOP analysts contend that his absence had to due with “his keen sense of geography”. (He did not attend because the game was played in a neighborhood he does not frequent due to a predominantly Black population in an area yet to be pacified.)

“The absence of the Commander and Chief, while bankrupting the affair, allows for more orderly sidelines since the other players do not have to jockey for position and create space between themselves and what many see as a sacked tweeter.

“If a flag surfaces it will be interesting to see if the Vampires play in blinders or if the Zombies take advantage of opportunities not afforded them last year.

*Vampires – Those who prosper and feed on the blood of others. These are usually corpses that don’t realize they are dead. These ruthless leeches exit their graves in the night to bite the necks of the living. They suck the lifeblood then disappear into their crypts in the morning light.

** Zombies – Persons deemed sociopathic or a threat to a group were ostracized and sometimes disabled intellectually. They are sentenced to roam the earth in a dream-near-death, irrational state until they show themselves to be worthy of reunion with their people.

“It’s not the media’s job to lure Trumpists out of their cult, but rather, to inform and earn the trust of those open to learning about reality.”

                                                                               – Jennifer Rubin, Washington Post  9/12/18

Ancient Horseshoe archives recovered

(Alexandria, Egypt) Artifacts exhumed near this city of 6 million suggest that the San Juan Horseshoe is older than the dirt in which it was hastily buried an estimated 3000 years ago. Who interred the remnants or why, is still as foggy as a balmy day in Newfoundland.

Dated at around 700 BC, the findings include circulation logs, pictures of dogs, layout apparatus, offset plates, glass plates, grid sheets, exacto-knives, scissors, a drawing table, a line art enlarger, glue, wax, steel rulers, rollers, and primitive cameras.

Newspapers replaced cumbersome tablets in Egypt by 1000 BC

In addition inside a carefully sealed vault are photos of a lineage of Pharaohs engaged in debauchery and mummies of disloyal advertisers. The content of this hidden vault may have resulted in the banning of the paper and the deportation of its staff during the Hellenistic Period and later with the ominous rise of Carthage.

The dig was conducted near the Temple of Serapis but the largest cache was delivered when archeologists stumbled over an engraved oak staff that was most likely used to encourage or punish pressmen and writers.

“That is just feet from our storied library,” said Abdule “Mickey” Svelte, from the University of the Nile. “In just an hour we were overwhelmed by the treasures just below the surface near the Mediterranean. The relics will be stored at the 15th Century Citadel of Quaitbay  that is today a museum,” said Svelte.

Mummy exhumed from Horseshoe dig was most likely a disloyal advertiser, say historians, and not Alexander the Great, as has been the accepted position since the fall of Rome.

“Once we unearth these rarities we will bring in some heavier earth moving gear and get down to the subfloors and more remote tombs,” he continued. “Who knows what’s down there and what primordial curses our snooping will reawaken. Considering the status of current events in our country what could be worse?”

Unlike most digs there is no need for a security force to guard against grave robbers since nobody wants any of this booty.

Of interest on smudged pages is a story dated 702 BC about a man in Samalut who dove from the top of the Great Pyramid of Geezer into a Dixie cup of Nile River water. Another piece interviews cats that think they are gods. A pullout covering the finals of Nubian Polo held in 699 BC actually featured faded colors made from lotus plants and papyrus. At the end of the 8th Century BC the paper boasted a circulation of 10,000,000 in a nation of only around 5,000,000.

A sardonic editorial, slamming corruption amid the ruling class, graced the front of the last known publication.

– Paula Parvenue 

Raiders Las Vegas Stadium to feature jail and courtroom

Las Vegas Stadium, the new home of the Las Vegas Raiders in 2020 will feature jail cells, judges and gavels to as to deal with unruly fans. Those caught fighting will have seats and season tickets revoked.

The National Football team has called Oakland home for 45 years. It will now play home games in Paradise, Nevada near the watered-down pseudo-sin city out there in the desert.

Stadium security, manned by regular Las Vegas Strip Cops, will attempt to embrace some sort of normality, despite the presence of the NFL’s most disrespectful and disrespected fans base cameos. Genuine Raider football fans should be ashamed of their fellows who miss the point of competitive sports altogether.

Raider fans: Not really so bad ass after all. Is something wrong here?

“These people, these Halloween imbeciles and black attention seekers are nothing more than a distraction from what’s going on on the field,” said former coach Spike Sahara “Considering the level of play in the past ten years that may be a positive. Today it is a ridiculous sideshow performed by narcissistic bullies and costumed thugs who firmly believe that it is all about them. They could be a roller derby for all they know.”

Many pro sources around the league quietly agree saying the gothic and grandiose conduct represents what is wrong with our country and ask why this kind of social interaction is tolerated and even embraced by a lower segment of the intellect and an even lower status of passive aggressive behavior.

“We’ve had years of practice dealing with these types,” said one Las Vegas officer. “Don’ forget – Las Vegas has been the epicenter of professional wrestling since the 70s”

“Despite the contradictions in his remarks, Ali was convinced he could be an effective diplomat — the “Black Henry Kissinger,” as he put it.”  – from Ali-A Life by Jonathan Eig. (Mohammed Ali had offered to trade himself for the Iran hostages in 1979)

Future souls made of plastic says Heaven

A majority of souls issued after 2025 will to be made of plastic according to cherubs on offshore clouds, familiar with this sort of thing. The synthetic material is said to be akin to the thin, crisp plastic used for credit cards and exploratory medical procedures.

Heaven has reportedly been running short of the secret raw materials used to construct the traditional soul. In light of the way humans sometimes treat theirs it should come as no surprise that a crisis has emerged.

Generally issued at birth, souls have been the focus of religious and spiritual searching and often seen as the leg up that humans have over other animals. The ancients have alluded to the status of good souls or bad souls but very few really understand the phenomenon of the whole.

Even though we can’t see or touch them we all seem to realize that they are there and that they perform an integral part of being human. The soul is the hinge to integrity, compassion and conscience. Some scientists and clerics believe that not everyone was born with one.

“This could explain the existence of evil people on the planet,” said one faith healer who claims to have identified over 3000 auras in her lifetime. “When we say James Brown had soul we are talking about something altogether different. Soul is what makes us pleasing to the gods. Soul is why we get out of bed in the morning. Soul makes us look up into the sky for something familiar.

“Just because someone is soulless doesn’t mean they are heartless too,”  said our source. “We can offer these chronic sufferers forehead chips that will substitute for a real soul. The recipient will notice heightened awareness of other beings and a sense of belonging which may not be advantageous in these mean times.

Look: Manfred Sycamore, recognized as the last full time elevator operator in North America (working at at Omaha’s now shabby Downtown Ribeye Hotel) claims that the souls of the dead ride with him on the elevator all the time.

“There’re eight of them in here right now,” said Sycamore, and I’m expecting another batch after the movie lets out.

To find out if you have a soul dial 1 800- OMY-SOUL. Warning: We are experiencing a high volume of calls.


Bigfoot, (aka Yetti, Sasquatch,Loup-garou, Ucumar, Hoodoo, Grass Man, Yowi, Boggy Bill and Bad Smelling Tree Man) who has been vacationing in Miami since May, is expected back in Western Colorado by November.

“He’ll pop in after all these people go home,” said an unconfirmed source in the Everglades.

A large, suspicious looking  creature, believed to be Bigfoot, was recently sighted near Almont on Friday

He’s frightened by fires and traffic.”

A Welcome Home Bigfoot celebration will be held in conjunction with the November Trout Are Us Banquet at Mañana Electric Shaver Square on November 6. (Held indoors unless in rains). Let’s hope the cookies and milk left out by the Salivation Army do the trick and he shows up.

Legend has it that Bigfoot had been spending his winters in the West Elk Wilderness and has been spotted wandering along Kebler Pass and as far south as Baldwin. Whether a surviving Neanderthal, an ape-man or simply a seven-foot-tall skinny dude that needs a bath and a shave, Bigfoot commands quite a presence.

Bigfoot sighting exactly two seconds before photographer was reunited with camera. “That boy is quicker than a fox if only half as smart.”

In a related piece local police say they are days away from cornering the Missing Link who has been on the lamb since 1969. “The Link” as his cult followers call him, is wanted in connection with genetic sacrilege and species diversion in four states.

In addition there are a bounty of county warrants accusing The Link of rigid transparency, conjured up simplemindedness and of aggravated evasion concerning issues such as origin and eternity.

He is also wanted in Grand Junction for loitering.

-Estelle Marmotbreath

“We are definitely alone out there, orbiting our chosen star like an onion bagel in the vast Universe.”

– Abe Salmon, Famous Ridgway Loxsmith

End of the summer heater

Koral Delatierra wails on Saturday night at the KBUT Big Blue Festival held at the IBar Ranch in Gunnison. Lead singer for the Telluride band Niceness, she belts out reggae in audience with the full moon. Ten bands and an assortment of festival fanatics roamed the grounds for two days, camping, eating, drinking and dancing. A fine job all around.