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Queen Ends Tour, Reneges On Treaty

England’s Queen Elizabeth II, recently returned home from a tour of the United States, announced to Parliament yesterday that she is immediately taking steps toward the revocation of the 1783 Treaty of Paris and reclaiming all lands and territories ceded by that document.

The Queen told Parliament that the clandestine purpose of her trip to the United States was to conduct an on-site inspection to determine whether or not the colonists and provincials had as yet developed the county to a condition where it would be worth bothering with. She claimed that such had not been the case when she briefly toured America in 1959, and she had not taken action at that time.

Although she stated that she was still hesitant concerning the matter, she had decided that the nation had reached its apex of civilization and is now rapidly declining back to a state of barbarism. For that reason she felt this is the proper time to reinstate the guiding hand of British refinement through the introduction of a legal ploy masterminded by the royal family as far back as 1820.

Her Majesty’s claim to the previously owned territories is base upon a statement that her great-great-great grandfather was not in complete control of his faculties at the time the Treaty was signed. The truth of this statement is partially borne out by the fact that the former king, George III, was deposed while still alive, and a regency under his son, George IV, was set up to govern the empire. The cause of the king’s removal form the throne has always been cited as madness, which Elizabeth II believes will give her a legal claim to her family’s former possessions.

The Queen stated that she will petition the World Court, and if the treaty is invalidated there will be a general changing of boarders in a worldwide  reshuffling of world power. Co-signatories of the document included France, Spain, the Netherlands and the United States, and the action resulted in considerable switching of land ownership in 1783. The first four ratifying countries were major world powers at the time of the agreement, and the other has risen to such prominence since.

The major impact of the Treaty’s revocation will be felt on the mid-North American continent, where the four countries were at the time squabbling over dominion of vast tracts of land. If the Queen’s claim is upheld, what is now known as the United States will be divided between three of the other nations. England will regain sovereignty from the East Coast to the Appalachians, Spain the area from the West Coast to the Rockies, and France all the remaining territory in between.

Although the United States was only one of the signers of the Treaty, that country will apparently be the only one to fight against the Queen’s action. According to Rutgers News Service, the three beneficiaries are eagerly anticipating the recovery of their domains, as well as looking forward to an expected influx  to their respective treasuries when they will be able to demand some two hundred years back taxes, with accrued interest. The other involved country, the Netherlands, as usual claimed neutrality.

It was not clear how the development could affect the remaining Native American tribes living on the continent.

– Paul Mahl

Cocktail Hour Service Announced

We will call and remind you that it is cocktail hour – ‘lest one forget…for a nominal monthly fee. Offer good in continental U.S. and in Grand Junction. Just send us your time zone and we’ll do the rest for one time startup charge and $2 a day after that. You loved us when we were Myrtle’s Alpine Ice Drops and you’ll love us now. Sorry not yet available in Utah.

Moved by the sangre

Celtic chills embrace me

disguised as rain and wind

roaming my spine in Union Hall

not only the sea looks back at me.

O’Sullivan you say?

We hold that quota teeming like

mussels washed in ocean butter,

kidnapped in the sandy bay.

My name like steely headlands

splashed on bricks above the door,

established 1922 and then forever more.

Forged martyrs on the cobbler’s square

scream whispers of the just

in piercing stoney silence

precipitate washed away treasures

in nimble words of my ancestors.

Wade out amid sea juices

and of your own never be afraid

your pants rolled up

like an egret deep in meditation.

Roots exposed for all to see

Soul exposed for all to see.

Wrapped in whittled rain.

Wrapped in that rascal rain

Floating like a swan,

no ripples in her whirls,

taking centuries to open

Christmas presents from the Earls.

The heart of Ireland out my window

So many crossroads — So little time

Vodka reclassified as a vegetable

Much to the relief of millions of imbibers, the USFDA has categorized vodka as a vegetable. All concoctions, whether potato, grain or rye, will now be considered edible plants. It is expected that the libation will now attain a higher level of acceptance by non-drinking elements, even though they may not partake.

The long-awaited decision saw impulsive polka parties breaking out from Warsaw to Wellington. The reclassification allows vodka far less scrutiny by federal agencies and removes the mixture from the grasp of the Department Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, a longstanding control and monitoring group.   

“We now have, in this country, rogue elements distilling vodka from every known natural element from the soil,” said one ATF official who takes hers with soda and lime. “Sure they are illegal distillers and should be prosecuted but now, with the new legislation about to take affect, the waters are murky.”

In a related piece federal agents have conducted some 4000 raids in Colorado alone aimed at illegal stills and distribution networks. According to tight-lipped insiders, many of the mountain tribes there are distilling small batch vodka from their dirty sox, a felony.

“The reclassification of vodka in no way legalizes other non-vegetative procedures akin to the production of liquor,” said the ATF spokesperson. “This has nothing to do with the legalization of marijuana,” she stressed. “People were making barely five star vodka from discarded futons, pine cones and even dry cat food. Something had to be done.”

-Fred Zeppelin

NHL TO OFFER BULK ICE

(Toronto) The National Hockey League today announced that it would go ahead with plans to sell bulk ice this winter if labor problems continue. While most of the sales would take place in Canada, there would be extensive exports of the frozen water to the United States and Mexico as well.

A spokesman for the league told the Horseshoe that most of the ice now in place in rinks from Los Angeles to Montreal would be either placed on the auctioning block or sold outright as an often temporary  cooling agent.

“If these ragged players think they’re going to blackmail the NHL they have another think coming, heh?” said Lonnie LaBatt of the league front office. “They have accused us of siding with the owners! Can you believe the gall? Just because the owners created the league, gave us our jobs and write our paychecks…heh…do they think we can be bought?”

Meanwhile a player’s association source said that most of the executives attached to the game ought to show their true colors by cutting back on the talk and providing some action. He suggests that each franchise field a team comprised of owners, PR men, dysfunctional vice presidents and security personnel. This squad would then face actual NHL players in a knock down, drag out winner-take-all hockey game.

“We’d love it,” drooled Red McKoone, a rookie defenseman for the Detroit Redwings who is credited with collecting over 30 ears during minor league matches in and around Saskatoon since 2002.

Getting back to the ice sales, one executive explained that ice is a renewable resource and that it may as well pay its own way.

“If we turn off the cooling systems during a work stoppage we will inherit a pool of water,” he gestured. “If we pay to keep the stuff frozen we lose money. But if we break it up, bag it, and sell it through convenience stores and groceries we could make a killing. Imagine buying genuine NHL ice!” he shouted. “Why would anyone want anything else!”

A Western Colorado test market has reportedly been arranged for the experimental sales of the ice. Outlets in Parlin, Placerville, Colona, Austin, Whitewater, Maybelle, Bedrock, Sargents, Cahone and Rico should be receiving the new product by Wednesday. Smaller market areas should be included in the sales zone by Thanksgiving.

– Fred Zeppelin

Flying Columns
“Even in the middle of 1920 the entire (IRA) Brigade armament was only 36 serviceable rifles, some primitive bombs and 20 revolvers. This was the force that was to attempt to break by armed action the British dominance of seven centuries duration.”

– from Guerrilla Days in Ireland by Tom Barry