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Private Sector Wants Piece of DUI Pie

(Malfunction) Fresh from the lucrative bonanza of prison construction earnings, private enterprise now seeks to jump on the DUI gravy train. With burgeoning profits from drunk driving arrests being recorded at national and local levels, businessmen are primed to make yet another killing. The low-overhead operations have filled gov’ment coffers due to fines and court cost leaving hopped up citizens to pay the tab.

“If a driver sucks down two beers and gets behind the wheel he could be forced into bankruptcy,” said Leopold Bloom, head of a contingent of entrepreneurs who seek to be let in on this evil profiteering. “If the cops want to get all the drunks off the road they should share the enforcement with privateers motivated solely by money. Let’s face it,” Bloom continued. “There’s little effort based on serve and protect. It’s all about cash.”

Fears among capitalists that the public will rise up and demand an end to fiscal punishment, insisting rather on loss of license for life followed by stiff prison terms, were heard as far away as the United States Senate Friday. The recent changes at the legislative level, namely the House and Senate submission to direct corporate sponsorship, threaten a relaxation of current legal alcohol levels nationwide.

     “We may be forced to succumb to the wishes of sin industries like beer and wine,” said Colorado Senator Betty Racehorse Proctor and Gamble .

     “The paternal corporations don’t really own us,” said Jesse Phillip Morris Newport (LSMFT-NC). “Oh, this Marlboro logo on my lapel? It’s not really advertising. It’s underwriting.” Helms went on to say that smoking won’t hurt anyone, especially while on the highway.

     “And I don’t mean no pot neither,” he spat. 

– Ernesto Poltroon

If Jesus of Nazareth was appointed to the US Supreme Court how would he vote on issues such as child welfare, air pollution, white supremacy, climate change, immigration, women’s rights, private prisons, wars, the imbalance of wealth, the Second Coming and the morality of the current White House? Please send answers to Fundamentalists for the Apocalypse in East Jerusalem.

COLORADO WOMAN WEDS COMPUTER

(Gateway) Finny Scanlan didn’t get a lot of dates. From her 16th birthday until just last month, at the ripe old age of 24, she’d been out once, and that was just to Nucla.

Then her world turned upside down with the purchase of a new Power Macintosh (G series with zip drive and CD ram capabilities built right in). Almost immediately her attitude went from one characterized by constant crashes and computer spread to one of desk top harmony. She had met Mr. Right and he was at her fingertips.

“At first I thought What would my friends think? but then I figured where were my friends on all those cold lonely nights that I spent alone crying myself to sleep in my double-wide up Unaweep Canyon?”

Taught at an early age to take things one day at a time Finny proceeded tenuously spending only so much time with her new romantic interest. When she went on-line and flirted with E-Mail she realized she was head over heels in love.

“He began to generate his very own dialogue,” she said. “Sometimes it was in response to a question or prompt, other times it was solely on his own. Then there were the times that he sent love messages out of the blue.”

Scanlan was at first frightened when Roy, named after a cousin from over Paradox way who died during a cloning experiment there in 1996, began to contact her on other systems. In addition to passionate pleas over her screen he sent love notes over the microwave oven and the TV.

“He even talked to me through the garage door opener and once, on a particularly warm May evening through the blender.”

Failing in her attempts to end the relationship several times, Finny soon realized it was meant to be. She thought of his 300MHz, his nine gig capacities, his hard drive with 85 MB virtual memory. He was accessible 24 hours a day, didn’t stop at the bar on the way home and seemed quite compatible with her internal drives.

“Then he popped the question. It was early one morning,” she explained. I turned him on only to find the mouse inactive and the screen frozen with the words Will ya? at the bottom.”

She typed in Yes and the rest is academic. The two were married the next weekend in Las Vegas where these kinds of unions are legal provided one has the administration fees.

The couple plans to have a laptop in the fall.

– Small Mouth Bess

WESTERN CHEMIST ISOLATES FAST FOOD GENE

(Gunnison) Nutritionists within the academic community here were shocked at a disclosure relating to the alleged fast food gene and the frightening consequences. An eleventh hour discovery by Dr. Melvin Toolovich, Acting Director of the Body Chemistry Department at Western Colorado University, links genetics to insatiable cravings for fast food at distinctive age levels. His findings, as one colleague put it, are “earth shattering”.

In short, Toolovich’s theory strongly suggests that if a man 20 years old consumes an average of four fast food items per week his potential off-spring will be born addicted to this kind of fare. In contrast, if the same man embraces a balanced diet including fruit and vegetables his kids will most likely follow suit. Toole says it’s just like narcotics, guns and hair color.

Toolovitch, working with an unnamed colleague, in the Chemistry Wing at Western Colorado University

“We think this linear body response has mega-burgeoned and can now be traced to the sacred depths of accepted nutritional standards. Unchartered, often unreliable  chromosomes that have fallen victim to other more subtle synthetic temptations such as Twinkies, cardboard tacos, soggy fish, plastic pizza and frozen egg rolls,” the doctor warned. “We’re just chumming at present.”

Currently tests are being conducted to see if simulated patterns are in play when a child breathes his first breath. Fast food bosses and their ad agency concubines are said to be waiting for the final results before commenting.

“We’re concerned that these burger and chicken barons will be jumping into the baby food market if the numbers line up right,” gasped Toolovich. “Can you imagine a greasy meat cheeseburger in a jar? “What can you expect when even our illustrious president lives on the stuff?”

As soon as the preliminary DNA tests are concluded, Toolovich will embrace further speculation in an attempt to determine if American foreign policy is at risk due to the state of decision making apparatus on display in Washington DC. Assisting Toole in this endeavor will be members of the We’re History Department at WCU.

“We’ll be needing about 15 or 20 student volunteers who already exist on junk food to complete our experiments. We may even begin to determine future potential within these ranks,” he explained. “We already know that performance and fast food intake are related so we don’t expect our brighter students to rush to our laboratory.”

– Rocky Flats

“It’s nothing more than a flesh wound…now back to your posts!” – Confederate General Kashmir Horseshoe to his troops, after a Union cannon ball bounced off his punkin’ head during the Battle of Meandering Thistle, 1863.

SOAP OPERA SYNOPSIS

By Brittany Celebet

Daytime dramas or soap operas (in honor of longtime commercial sponsors) can be seen in fifty countries across the globe. Faithful fans number in the millions, often skipping work and family responsibilities to follow their favorites and watch as the bad guys get their just dessert.

Sometimes rural viewing is not all that easy. Little things like avalanches, frigid temperatures, empty cupboard syndrome and fires and floods can not only interrupt lives but can play havoc with afternoon television reception. It is with this in mind that we have prepared a synopsis of what is going down on the screen. Missing an episode is a little like missing your birth control pills (not paid for by employers) or your Viagra (paid for by employers). Just miss one and it can foul up the whole month.

(Note: Some shows are current while others are classics from years gone by)

“The Young and the Worthless”

Troy is still seeing Angie who is recovering from a tedious surgery to remove her from her Siamese twin brother, LeRoy, who is chronically depressed over his failure to pass the television tech exam. He is hitting the bottle. Frank, Dr. Bigelow’s attorney, continues to step out with Bigelow’s wife, Betty. Betty has quelled rumors that she is seeing LeRoy. Sherry’s divorce from Henry is not yet finalized because of a slight technicality over the possession of the couple’s James Brown records.

“Love and Money”

The return of Pamela’s father, believed to have been lost during a walrus hunt in Greenland, has prompted curious behavior in the town of Shady Corners. The girl’s mother, Pearl, who was legally separated, had embraced polygamy and married the offensive line of the Buffalo Bills. Isn’t it enough that these privileged, albeit tumultuous lives are intertwined in idleness and receivership? And now Pam’s father might not make the play-offs! Tess has left town with Delbert G., a clever ear and throat man. She will be a long way from Kentucky by nightfall. The annual onion festival reignites aromas long since muddled. What about Delbert’s love child and his fondness for her dancing instructor?

“Search For Yesterday”

With the announcement that Judith is indeed pregnant, half of the male population of Fruitcake Grove leave town. Allen has run into more medical problems prior to his operation when it is discovered that he has ice water instead of blood running through his Mohawk veins. Meanwhile Joan has filed for a divorce from her eighth husband, Harry, who was filmed in a Flemme Springs motel room with the Escucha al Monte cheerleading squad.

“As the Stomach Turns”

Gail is wrongly accused and arrested after he twin sister Margot robs a local pornography shop while assaulting the local rugby team. Her simultaneous acts of bipolar schizophrenia win Psychic Booth honorable mention at the Marigold County Fair. Lou’s lost son returns after a year in Trinidad and begins a co-dependent fling with Jack Iron, a local rummy and proprietor of the local sugar refinery. Joe leaves Debbie for Stephanie, Phil leaves Audrey for Debbie, Ted leaves Julie for the last time.

“The Guiding Blight”

Everyone in Honkeyville is shocked when Trapper Jeanie trades her illegitimate stock brokerage for a new snowmobile. Malbec Marlene confronts Scary Larry who drunkenly told Little Edward she was frigid contending that beyond all doubt she was not frigid with Canadian Art or Benjamin the Salami. Warren attempts suicide by jumping off his sofa in front of household pets. It will be his last act of defiance and he will be removed from the program’s cast in a painful and humiliating manner.

BEAR WATCHING FULL TIME AFFAIR

(Ouray) The bear came over the mountain. Then another, and more. Soon, as the autumn whitewashed the San Juans, that garbage bins, dog food dishes and apple trees were the main attraction. An evening walk would likely result in a sighting of another hungry, generally docile, beast on his way to dinner. Residents wondered when and if the animals would ever go to sleep.

Take a walk on the wild side…After dark in the alleys of Ouray one is more likely to see a bear than another human, well almost. In an attempt to review these occurrences we have collected some of the more colorful accounts of the season.

Let us appreciate and not judge the mighty bear. You try feeding a family of porky 300-pounders on roots and berries.

“At just about dark on September 23 I went out to check on a splashing sound in my hot tub only to discover a large bear soaking. I went back into the house for my camera but when I returned he had vacated the premises. I only hoped he had not gone into the woods to recruit more hairy party animals. All he left behind was a badly worn towel.”

– W. Sammy Carpe, Whispering Pines

“At just about dusk on a Friday night in late September my wife, Gwen, and I were grilling and sipping on our fourth and final gin and bitters when a small cub wandered right into the yard and pushed over the Weber. Before I could day Jack Spratt he gobbled up two tenderloins and was off. Fortunately he didn’t get the Yorkshire pudding, or our pet Yorkie for that matter. Nonetheless dinner was ruined, Duckett’s had closed and we were forced to subsist on head cheese till morning.”

– Colonel Abshite Pitt, 6th Grenadiers, 2nd Street, Ouray

“It was the middle of the night. I heard a crash in the kitchen. When I got up I saw a large hairy beast at the sink eating salami. I figured it was my husband, Earl, in his black silk karate robe. I went back to sleep. In the morning I awoke to quite a mess and remembered that Earl had been away on business in Colona the previous evening. What an experience!”

– Madalaine Crab-Leggit, Dexter Creek

“It was almost dawn on October 2. I went out for my daily ritual of checking my marijuana plants only to find a mature male bear eating them. I clanged a few pans together to scare him off but only when I fired off my sidearm did him scram. The damage was done. It looks like I’ll have to survive on cheap whiskey all winter.”

– Gloria Minske, no address given.

“It was broad daylight. I was on my way out of the post office when three adolescent bears approached me demanding spare change. Looking around I realized I had no backup so I handed each of them a dollar. Later I received an unfair lecture from the game warden. Three bucks is better than the alternative.”

– Walter Gold Elochs, Camp Bird Road

“I had been to the dinner at a friends’ one night and decided not to drive home. I went to lock my pickup only to discover a sow sitting behind the wheel. I just kept walking, making a mental note to stay off the Campari and to roll up the windows of my truck from now on.”

– Sly Kodiak, 6th Avenue, Ouray

These eyewitness chronicles represent only a fraction of the bear sightings in Ouray this fall. Do you have one to share? E-Mail us at sjh@bearscat.com.

Nostradamus Saw Short Skirts, Bottled Water Craze

(St.-Remy, France) Way back in the 1550s Michel de Notredame, better known as Nostradamus clearly predicted skirt lengths, computers and the bottled water craze. Although many suggest that his forecasts were vague and open to a variety of interpretations most experts cannot deny his precise prognosis of 21st Century cultural phenomenon.

Written off by some as a simple soothsayer whose obscure presumptions were made more to entertain the French court of Charles IX than to augur the future, the prophesies of Nostradamus continue to surface, delighting some and confusing others.

According to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the infrequently prestigious Cal Amari Institute Nostradamus was a run-of-the-mill astrologer and rogue physician willing to write prescriptions at the drop of a hat.

“His only real talent seems to have been the ability to be weird,” said Pennywhistle. “He would enter a room trance like and begin speaking as if from another soul making ambiguous, often insolent predictions about the death of kings or the success of future grape harvests. Many people bought his program just like they do today. I’m not saying it was an act,” continued Pennywhistle. “I’m just saying he employed the drama of the ancient Greeks with the timing of a Yiddish vaudevillian.”

Although skeptical, Pennywhistle readily admits that Nostradamus was right about many of his forecasts. In 1555 after publishing his prophesies in verse form in Centuries he began to dwell on the mundane, preferring to talk about meaningless cultural behaviors rather than earth stopping developments.

Pennywhistle sights a host of predictions within the realm of popular culture suggesting that Nostradamus was pulling someone’s chain and making a killing doing so.

“The man actually charted changing skirt lengths from 1830 to 1955 seeing what appeared to be only a fashion statement as a presage to war, economic conditions and morality. He saw the rise of the computer but failed to buy stock in Microsoft when it was still cheap,” said the doctor. “Later, just before his death in 1556 Nostradamus told the French to invest in plastics insisting that soon plastic will rule the world.”

Researchers agree that Nostradamus was never successful in attempts to foretell the end of the world but he may have predicted the rise of Adolf Hitler and penned the lyrics in the Beatle’s album Magical Mystery Tour.

“There is evidence that he hit many of history’s nails right on the head, “said Pennywhistle. “But let’s leave those truths in the hands of the supermarket tabloids and talk radio hosts.”

After centuries the astrologer’s ability to predict the future remains as cloudy as ever. Was he a gifted sage, a receiver of random information from the heavens, or was he just another show biz charlatan on the way to the bank?

– Alfalfa Romero

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

1. Estimate the number of unemployed astrologists living in Paris in the 16th Century.

2. Was Centuries ever available to the general public in paperback?

3. Did Nostradamus ever suggest effective methods for disposing of plastics?

4. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about his half-brother Claude?

5. BONUS: Conjugate the verb nostradar.