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State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by 2020

(Denver) Transportation engineers here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 145 it was disclosed this morning.

The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as October 15 hoping to complete the improvements before the snow falls.

“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said Melvin “Slim” Toolini, planner and strategist behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”

The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.

“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toolini. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”

– Uncle Pahgre

NASA Breaks Alien Code

(Houston) The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has broken the code used by UFOs and other wandering aliens to communicate among themselves. It has been determined that the space creatures have used this code for more than 40 years.

The primary code, hacked by NASA scientists Thursday, appears to be simple and direct. It has survived attempts by the giants of the solar system to crack it and has protected its identity, avoiding contact with humans at all times.

“The code is this: K-E-E-P T-H-E-M I-N T-H-E-I-R H-O-U-S-E-S. D-EL-I-V-E-R T-H-E-M T-A-C-O-S, chirped a top space scientist here. We understand it on one level but that’s all. Whether they have duplicate, offsetting codes or if this one is just a dummy code is not clear at this time.”

Rumors that aliens are already here and communicating with lower primates were dismissed by a Congressional hearing this morning, leading the more radical wing of the researcher delegates to walk out in protest.

Keen military minds remain on alert and local police are monitoring the behavior of taco delivery entities all over the country.

“We should welcome these space creatures as guests,” said an Area 51 enthusiast from Area 52. “Maybe they can achieve peace in the Mideast, racial harmony in these United States, pay off the national debt and offer free education and medical like they have in Europe.”

The code, which covers a variety of topics and exercises, interfaces well with a multitude of communications, many of which are ridiculous diversions. It is not known if the aliens know about the breach of security.

Perhaps intelligent beings do not want to land on earth. It may all look like Branson and Orlando to them.

 – Tommy Middlefinger

Trump passes Stalin on Turnover List

(Moscow) President Donald Trump, recently from the United States, has passed deceased Russian dictator Joseph Stalin as top dog on the all-time administrative hit list.

Joe with an unidentified prom date in the 40s.

The magic moment came yesterday afternoon with the resignation of a climate change expert and the dismissal of a minor bureaucrat in the EPA. Both former surrogates left without incident and are said to be doing fine.

Trump is now the unchallenged leader according that infamous proxy ledger, a dubious honor compiled annually by yappy political watchdogs from The Hague. The poll stops short of drawing other more painful comparisons from the civilian lives of the two despots.

Despite classic purges, famine, collective farms, firing squads and two world wars Stalin’s numbers, once believed to be statistically insurmountable, have been left in the dust of the Russian steppes.

Whereas it took Stalin 20 years to achieve such notoriety, the new king of turnovers, Donald Trump, himself a nitpicker on loyalty, has accomplished the feat in only two years.

And you thought Joe Stalin went through people.

Missing Link Eludes Police in Archetypal Fashion

“He’s always known too much but now he’s got money – We see a clear and present threat to the peace of the nation”  – Ferne Dingle, Manana County Sheriff

After several daytime sightings followed by fruitless searches near the Ridgway Reservoir police are combing Log Hill and Buckhorn in hopes of cornering the elusive Missing Link before he makes it the Badlands of Utah and his legendary Fry Canyon stronghold.

News that the Missing Link’s Net Worth is Over 6.5 million has raised a few eyebrows this week and given authorities cause for concern since he was only recently destitute and reliance on friends for handouts was the rule of the day.

Endorsements, speaking engagements, sales of memorabilia and autographs as well as interest-bearing foundations, tax-free religion, tea dance premiums and kickbacks from several country and western artists have left the Link quite wealthy in human terms.

Tourists hiking near Griffith Gardens on Log Hill Mesa recently spotted what they called “a flimsy-looking, shadow-like male primate” 4 miles up from the clachan of Colona. Police and olive units arrived in moments hoping for surprise in their attempts to take the suspect into custody.

Authorities believe The Link has been loitering around Wildcat Creek in the vicinity of Colona where it is further believed he has a secret consort of the female persuasion. Whether the lover came along after he money or before was not clear at press time.

“If the link spills the beans even the mentally challenged among us will see things much more clearly and realize what’s been going on here.” said one former Colorado senator. “You think the judicial system is a farce now? Just wait.”

Later in the day when pressed the top investigator would not say exactly why they were tracking The Link or what the suspect had done to merit all the chaos.

“He ain’t an immigrant. He ain’t a terrorist. He ain’t even one of those progressives,” said one deputy. “I’ve been out on more than 20 of these Missing Link chases and I’ve yet to glimpse what they call hybrid prey.

When further pressed, both peace officers averted their eyes to the nearby horizon, monkeying with binoculars, adjusted their badges and ignored further journalistic excursions from baby journalists practicing their breast-stroke in these troubled waters.

– Pepper Salte

 

Ghost Towns Report Vacancies For Fall

(Lake City) Many Western Colorado Ghost Towns are reporting an upsurge in hotel and lodging availability for the fall season. Why there are glaring vacancies in this so popular land is anyone’s guess. Experts focus on remoteness, transportation, social support and comforts in their appraisals, which fall painfully short of preparing the novice for a night of solitude and natural beauty.

A trek to Dallas, Piedra, Baldwin, Cathedral or Capitol City be advised that late snows have interfaced with early snows and mud holes are a menace in the dark timber passageways that lead to each municipality.

Probably the best time to visit Gladstone, Henson, Tincup, Needleton and Duncan is early October due to the presence of aggressive moose in these vicinities and bothersome alpine rodents gnawing on automotive hoses in August and September.

If you’re waiting for the Welcome Wagon you’re out of luck in Howardsville (Bullion City), Eureka, Sneffels, Bedrock, Texas Gulch, Thistletown, Paradox, Maher, Coventry and Eldredge where it’s BYO all the way. Take your choice of dilapidated shacks and tie up your horse at one of a variety of dry saloons (Some with pictures still on the walls)

The abandoned burghs of Portland, Animas, Gothic, Ashcroft, Crystal, Uravan, Sapinero, Marble, Liberty, Lenado, Somerset and Middleton may not be so empty in the summer and fall months. We suggest a visit in winter and spring but bring blankets and warm clothing. A few of the shaky skeletons of shacks still have crude wood stoves but drinking water can be an issue.

That leaves my personal favorites: Yellow Jacket, Pittsburg, Ironton, Cahone and Slippery Rock that were major producers of silver in the 1880s.

Lock your doors for mountain lions.

Watch out for nosey bears.

Have a bonfire “middle of the street” you like.

Ain’t nobody cares.

– Uncle Pahgre.

For more up-to-date info see

www.sanjuanhorseshoe.com

New sign graces downtown Colona

Ouray County’s third largest metropolis celebrates its status with beautiful new signage on Hotchkiss Avenue.