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Rose Hall Bid Hacked by Russians

(Cooperstown)  The continued exclusion of Pete Rose from the Baseball Hall of Fame is the result of intrusions by Russian robots that don’t know right field from the batting cage.

Supporters of Rose, arguably the best player ever to play the game, insist that there must be an evil, alien force behind the dirt that comes up on Rose every time there is another examination of his worthiness. The purposeful interference in baseball supersedes the alleged Russian collusion within the Trump Administration since baseball is hallowed and American politics are lewd and indecent.

“How else could the committee continue to blackball Rose?” asked a fan from across the river at Covington. “We’re not looking for him to get in the hall for his broadcasting talent or his personal charm but only as Charley Hustle.”

Purists insist that the Cincinnati Reds had nothing to do with the past snubs and that the similarity of names is coincidental.

“We were the Reds in 1869,” said one Rose aficionado. “Karl Marx didn’t make it to the big leagues until 1867 and Lenin failed to make an impact until 1905. Neither could hit the curve ball but did quite well in other arenas.”

– Tar Sands

MAN IN THE MOON ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE

The mythical man in the moon is mythical no more. He’s cooling his heels in a local jail cell. A myriad of complaints from local lunar gazers prompted a police raid on the suspected pervert’s official digs Tuesday morning. Officers confiscated gravitational home videos, crude anti-aircraft placements, mangled satellite parts, mounds of green cheese and documents calling for the invasion of earth by the year 2030.

One Delta County woman who called in a complaint Friday said the man in the moon was running around in the vicinity of the Sea of Fertility wearing only a lamp shade and a pair of Sorels. When police arrived at her residence to observe the alleged lewd behavior they were greeted by a contingent of telescopes that would put most astronomical observatories to shame.

“You can see better if you climb up on this stool,” said the woman who was reluctant to give her name or give up her high-powered telescope.

The man in the moon will remain incarcerated at an undisclosed spot until his arraignment Monday morning. Anyone with input deemed essential to the case is asked to either orbit or stay far away from the proceedings altogether.

-Marcella Pesterman

White House Expands On-Site Cooking Facilities

A revolving chief of staff told reporters here that cooking options and menu expansion will be a top priority at the White House this week. Outdoor grills, expanded storage of perishables, more support staff and cooking classes will make up the brunt of what is being packaged as The Nuevo-American Dining Experience.

“We only serve American here,” said Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders, munching on a cheese enchilada, Tahchin, hummus all wrapped in the Stars and Stripes. We don’t eat anything that even smells like the Mideast or Mexico and we damn sure don’t recycle when we’re finished.”

Coal-powered hot plates donned with the Presidential seal have been distributed to top aides. Tasters have been stationed at each table to test for poison and backstreet hallucinogens. A meat-heavy breakfast, cooked up by the NRA, and a light lunch, catered by local Nazis groups, will feature only processed foods. Dinner is expected to culminate and collude…er…conclude with grilled steaks and chops of endangered species.

At night the Big Guy Toastmaster will offer a few encouraging remarks punctuating these with an Executive Order of the Day. Tonight Trump plans a slide show featuring assorted handshakes with evil despots and human rights abusers. Tomorrow night he will pardon Joseph Stalin.    

Critics say these self-serving eaters couldn’t tell mom’s apple pie from Putin’s borscht and have sold national culinary secrets to the highest bidder under the cover of a free lunch for supporters.

Whether or not the development is related to the cold shoulder extended to a slew of Trump officials in Virginia and Maryland where restaurants refused them service or ostracized them when they arrived to eat. Other Americans have verbally attacked administration officials prompting recommendations that Trump people stay behind an assortment of walls slated to be built soon.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Return of Fort Sumter High on White House Priorities

(Charleston SC) Recent demands by the White House that Fort Sumter be returned to the United States illustrates a humiliatingly dimwitted perception of history, while simultaneously threatening to alienate an entrenched zombie support base deep in Dixie.

Not only was the fort in question returned to the US after Appomattox, but the site has served little logistical importance since the 1860s. It has just sat out there, gathering dust, its history in the fog for jingo flag flickers. Ignorance of the country”s basic history by a Commander in Chief was called appalling and pigheaded by adversaries, yet over 40% of Americans had not yet found the fort on a map at press time.

“Charleston Harbor, although quite beautiful in its own right, has not been on the firing line, even in a diplomatic sense, since hoop skirts were in fashion,” said a chamber of comments source here. “What has survived is now a National Monument and represents nothing strategic unless perhaps one happens to be a seal or land crab.”

Meanwhile in the Trump camp advisors expressed disdain that their boss had shown his mindless grasp of the nation’s history once again. Several were particularly put off by the president’s claim that had he been on the scene in 1861 he would have won the day.

“Maybe he could try his saber rattling in Puerto Rico, mused one journalist who has disappeared after filing a story that lambasts the president and the GOP. “At least Fort Sumer has electricity and running water.”

A large segment of Trump supporters are loyal sons and daughters of the Confederacy and make up a large portion of that base in November. A majority of these throwback historians don’t know the difference between Chancellorsville and Chattanooga. One satirical account suggests that Trump demand that Cuba give back Miami or that Russians give back Coney Island.

It ain’t in the Bible so it does not exist, chimed one intellect from the gene puddle. “Far as I’m concerned those Yankees can have the fort lock, stock and barrel.”

– Small Mouth Bess

    

Polly says: It’s important to do your stretches before the rodeo.

Subtle transportation at the 118th Cattlemen’s Days PRCA Rodeo held in Gunnison last weekend. A well presented and well attended summer tradition continues.

POP CULTURE WASTE DUMPED IN NEVADA

(Las Vegas) Tons upon tons of global-active pop culture waste begins its arduous trek to the sinks and basins of the Silver State this week. The controversial transport of the highly outrageous  substances was approved by federal health authorities early this morning over the protests of sheepmen and casino owners from Bunkerville to Winnemucca.

“We don’t want pop culture waste dumped in our state,” said one gambling interest here. “Sure the stuff may look safe, packed away in its heat sensitive, hermetically sealed barrels, but what if it seeps out or simply refuses to go away?” he said. “Just because Nevada is perceived for the most part as a large, barren wind-swept badlands — we get the prize? What about Utah? The feds could dump popular culture waste on Salt Lake City for the next 100 years and no one would notice.”

Officially, popular culture waste is defined as the residue from mass culture that is virtually shallow and worthless yet global in proportion. Software, fast food, professional sports clothing, soft drinks, hype magazines, trendy fashion, trite music, television, slang, hair styles, Hollywood, video games, and methods of commerce are most visible, while banking, law enforcement, work ethics and religious affiliation round out the shadow culture currently being exported.

Marked USA, this mindlessly generated pollution is ravenously consumed by emerging nations that should be more interested in preserving age-old culture, feeding people and raising their standard of living.

“It’s shocking to see an Islamic militant preaching the destruction of the West in a Los Angeles Dodger hat,” said one former Mideast diplomat. “Deep down we are quite different although on the surface we’re looking pretty much the same.”

According to the latest estimates the pop culture litter, slowly fermented from the flood of consumer goods, could quickly fill up Western Canada. Discarded fast food wrappers and discarded televisions alone could cover up the ground surface of Alberta in just a few weeks.

A parade of unmarked trucks will take an undisclosed route to the dumps due to heightened security and the threat of sabotage. Pop culture icons such as Donald Trump and Martha Stewart will ride shotgun.

Upon arrival most of the waste will be safely stored in secure bunkers made of space-age aluminum, plastic and reinforced dirt. The rest will be recycled into new glitter for future consumption insuring the continuity of the phenomenon.

Looters will be shot on sight.

– Melvin Toole