Byzantines Will Loan Money for US Border Wall

(Constantinople) The Byzantine Empire (330 -1453) has agreed to loan the United States 8 billion dollars to pay for the construction of a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Sidestepping accusations of collusion, the Byzantines reluctantly agreed to bring in slave labor.

The loan would be of the World Bank quagmire meaning that the money would be loaned to the current rulers who could spend it as they see fit and then pass the debt along to the taxpayers, often into the next generation.

“It works great if you happen to be on the top of the egg,’ said Sparrow Maguire, a poultry philosopher of some regard. “If you are poor you are now poor with fewer services. If you are rich you can pay for the services and life will continue as it was before. The ramifications: Cold, hard fiscal disaster hits Grandpa in the teeth or little cousin Mary can’t go to college. The family flooded out last spring will starve. There are no libraries or free swimming pools.”

Agreeing that the proposed and hotly contested separation structure was “a medieval answer to a 21st Century problem”, the Byzantines cast themselves as experts, having once overseen the construction of what is arguably the finest wall of the Middle Ages.

Saying that they always paid subcontractors, and that this Bone Star Wall was no more than a monument to narcissism, the Byzantine National Bank remained poised to cut a check this morning while fist fights erupted in the House of Reprehendables.

Pro-Wall demonstrators clamored for more walls while cheering and delighting to murals of famous great walled cities on a Pennsylvania Avenue big screen. The walls of Monteriggisni in Italy, Cartagena in Colombia and Znojmo in the Czech Republic were there for all to see.

“They are magnificent,” said Maguire. “Eminent domain is not so bad. I figure a lot of these folks voted for it. They want to keep those dirty immigrants out but not with their land up for grabs.”

What the Byzantines hope to gain from the arrangement was not clear as the second round of negotiations came to a close on Friday. Insiders say there is more to this rodeo than barrel racing. Some say they smell a rat.

“Hey, walls are great, for a while and for temporary purposes,” said Basina Minicea of the Byzantine Coalition, currently shaking off sand at a West Palm Beach seminar. “We have the money stashed from a Knights Templar foul up in 1187 and would like to see it grow.”

Although no interest rate was discussed, it prompted Pro Wall advocates through The South to offer “wall acreage” to their besieged leaders. Unfortunately the land offered was nowhere near an international border and immigrant traffic is negligible.

The Constantinople Wall, built in the 4th and 5th Centuries, housed an entire city inside with size a scale unseen in the modern world. It stood twelve meters high and a massive barrier chain of wood and iron shackles could be dragged and anchored to protect the nautical approaches to the city.

“It worked well for us until the 15th Century when the Ottoman Turks showed up outside of town and kicked our asses,” said Minicea.

 If all goes well the ruins of the wall might be rediscovered 1500 years from now much to the delight of archeologists and grave robbers. According to past histories it might attract a few tourists.

 – Melvin O’Toole

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