BLOOD ON THE BLACKBOARD

House passes legislation banning shootings at private schools

(Gunsmoke) The United States House of Reprehensibles today passed the first of many promised gun control measures aimed at curbing violence in the nation’s schools. Targeting private schools first, the lawmakers voted unanimously to outlaw shootings at these institutions of learning.

“We feel that the students of privilege should be protected first, then if there are funds available we will look at solutions for the rest of the citizenry and their children,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy-TX). “After all their parents used to pay more taxes than the parents of those students at public schools. We must protect the future leaders of the Fatherland.”

Whether the ban will have any affect has yet to be seen since mass murderers rarely follow the letter of the law. So far right-to-life advocates have remained mute on this life and death debate causing many to wonder how they define the terms.

“It’s just a gesture, said House Speaker Gerrymander Ryan-McConnell. “A move to let people know we care. My kids are in private school. Aren’t yours?” he smiled at a group of supporters present at the passage of the bill.

The NRA has recently taken issue with reported number of school shootings so far in the US in 2018 “Only 15, not 18 (as the mainstream press has reported)” says powerful gun lobby.

“Right there we can see the desperate propaganda spewed by these hateful liberals that want to take our country toward communism,” said Noise. Liars all. It’s a damn good thing NRA members are standing up for their rights.”

Related plans to arm teachers and mine playgrounds at public schools will continue with a final reading of the proposals in the senate on Friday.

“Hey, the liberals bitch because we pay for education with local taxes and the rich have good schools while the poor suck it up one more time,” added Noise. Let’s get real. It’s all about money. These people need to quit school and embrace minimum wage opportunities that abound out there.”

More than 90% of the current student body in the United States would be unaffected by the move. These public school children have fallen outside the safety net and will be dealt with when other more pressing issues such as gay marriage and legal pot are undressed.

Meanwhile sales of assault weapons are brisk in apprehension of the day when Democrat storm troopers will come for all flintlocks and pocketknives.

– Fred Zeppelin

Boner Question: HOW MANY CONGRESSMEN HAVE STOOD UP AND RETURNED THEIR BRIBE MONEY TO THE NRA SINCE THE SHOOTINGS IN FLORIDA?

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