BLM Loses Keys to Gate

(Montrose) The Bureau of Land Management has apparently misplaced the keys to a security gate west of here fanning the flames of fear that the land inside may be up for grabs. The almost 10,000 acres, protected by the gate and almost 7,000 miles of fence, could fall into the wrong hands as soon as Tuesday.

“The Mexican gov’ment has been eyeballing this little parcel since we stole most of the Southwest from them in 1850,” said Melvin De Toole, veteran sagebrush expert with the BLM. “It has been sending reconnaissance teams up this way disguised as farm workers for almost a century. They know our weak points.”

Toole added that, in addition to the potential setbacks in the Manifold Destiny Ballpark the region could come up short of deer and elk come harvest time.

“Peoples to the south have always wanted to entice our deer and elk,” explained Toole. “It’s common knowledge that they have been coveting our elk since the Gadsden Purchase. As long as we are the custodians of the land we will fight to keep it,” he promised.

It was not clear how the elk could have escaped due only to the keys being misplaced. Insiders at the BLM think rogue elements within the agency itself purposely left the gate open. Sources near the action suggest that jealous elements in New Mexico and Utah may well have been in cahoots with the Mexicans as well.

“With the land gone what would we have to manage?” asked Toole. “The deer and elk never listen and the rest of the forest animals run away whenever we try to approach them.”

– Forest Grump

“The Democrats appear too tired to choose a Presidential candidate. They remain stunned at the entrance of the big barn dance, perplexed by what can of food to donate to the local food bank in lieu of admission fee. Are they waiting for someone else to assume control?”

– the Ghost of Paul Von Hindenburg

Filed Under: Hard News

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