Bears Blamed For Donut Hole Heist

(Colona) Black bear, believed to have descended from Log Hill Mesa, are being blamed for the disappearance of over 6000 gourmet donut holes since the beginning of summer. The pilfering, which coincides with the opening of Zona de Colona Coffee House, had not been a problem in town since the railroad days.

Even though the holes are meticulously separated and stored in “bear-proof” containers the bruins come in at night and by morning they have run off with the glazed and sugared apertures. Law enforcement has been ineffective since the animals simply wait for stepped up patrols to pass through town then go back to their dirty work.

“We respect nature and all,” said one principal at the donut oasis, “but the nightly losses are killing us. The bottom line remains the same. Even a numbskull knows you can’t have donuts without donut holes!”

Many Colonese are at odds with Fish and Game, who they say coddle the bear. They like their morning ritual when dough becomes donut and do not appreciate the heavy-handed intrusion.

“When’s the last time one of these fury pests brought a box of donuts into work?” chided a local ranger. “People do it all the time. Bears get away with a lot of things because they are bears. Same goes for the moose but they don’t give a damn about donut holes, at least for now.”

– Patty Pettifogger

Filed Under: Soft News

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