Bear closures, extended hibernation told

(Ouray) The Colorado Black Bear Coalition has announced the cancellation of its 45th Spring Bruin Tunes and extended the official dates for acceptable hibernation. The developments are expected to severely affect mammals all over the Rockies.

For the flatlander, Bruin Tunes is a popular three-day feast that focuses on the scat art and crafts of dumpster diving, berry picking and home invasions. It often attracts up to 600 bear to the surrounding region prior to tourist season.

In monkeying with longstanding hibernation time parameters, the bruin planners have gone out on a limb, journeying to locales unfamiliar to the cave dwelling caniforms. They have in fact messed with instinct and tradition and now they can never go back, although most don’t know it.

Whether these departures from the norm will deflate response times during the impending fall garbage strike was not discussed according to persons with no knowledge of these events.

-Tommy Middlefinger

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