(New Jork) Your New York Mets’ batboy has signed a multi-year contract extension estimated to be in the neighborhood of 1.2 million dollars with incentives. Mickey Mandolin, the instant millionaire was unavailable for comment because he was in school. The Mets front office acknowledged that the contract would probably set a dangerous precedent but feared losing the 14-year-old to free agency.

“Did you ever try to get a decent batboy on a weekend,” said Marvin Tinkleholland, Player Support Coordinator for the team. “If we’re paying players millions we have to keep up on player support personnel or we’re dead in the water. Paying the batboy by the hour while the rest of the team rakes in the cash is akin to serfdom. Mr. Doubleday would not have been pleased.”

Insiders agree that the Mets are searching for the right chemistry that will produce a pennant sometime soon. Consistency is the key and they appear unwilling take the time to break in another batboy for next season.

“Mandolin’s salary is equivalent to what most of our players spend on their laundry,” smiled Tinkleholland. “We’ll just jack up the ticket prices and double the price of a hot dog. New Yorkers are accustomed to getting screwed.”

The young New York “lumber clerk” is the first batboy to exceed a million dollars in salary. Three others make an annual salary in the neighborhood of $600,000, not counting an initial signing bonus, lucrative endorsements, retirement packages and incentives.

“That’s not a bad payday for about six months work,” stressed Tinkleholland. “In the spastic spectator frenzy of the 21st Century entertainment, even the batboy is a major draw.

– Rocky Flats

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