RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds

(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to reduce the national debt, has instituted a flagship program that offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.

The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund, will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government fiscal centers.

“The economics of it all dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys to those people (taxpayers) ,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.

Persons interested in receiving the fare should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs and also how they like them done.

“We don’t trust most people to prepare the ribs correctly and have issued prevenative orers do avoid charred feelings and burned expectations,” said Turnip. “Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” she warned.

Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.

“Pavement hostesses.”

Another name for hookers, ala Dublin (Ireland) cop Connor ‘Lugs” Branigan.

Cocktail Hour Service Announced

We will call and remind you that it is cocktail hour – ‘lest one forget…for a nominal monthly fee. Offer good in continental U.S. and in Grand Junction. Just send us your time zone and we’ll do the rest for one time startup charge and $2 a day after that. You loved us when we were Myrtle’s Alpine Ice Drops and you’ll love us now. Sorry not yet available in Utah.

Guns and Moses Cancels Gig in Mañana

(Cambridge-on-Tomichi) The semi-popular foursome, Guns and Moses will not perform as scheduled here due to an unseen roller derby conflict according the manager Biff Bungler.

By way of explanation the apologetic Bungler contended that the band, endorsed by both the National Rifle Association and the local synagogue was overcome with acute schizophrenia as well as a case of the sniffles.

“Prior commitments to the sport of roller derby prevent the boys from crossing the Gunnison River due to a no compete clause in their contract,” clipped Bungler.

Guns and Roses are considered one hit Willies after the marginal success of their single “Praise the Lard and Pass the Malnutrition” which sold well in the provinces but never made headway in the cities.

Replacing Guns and Moses will be Saint Paul’s Assault Rifles, a 111-member chutney marching jam band that features a stunning marmalade fireworks display during one of many snare drum solos.

“That way we don’t have to give anyone their money back,” added Bungler, who some say has squandered proceeds at the Tobacco Revenge Casino on the Mt. Hashmore Preserve.

Bungler had no comment when asked to confirm rumors that Guns and Moses was in jail (en-suite) in Salida for alleged espionage activities and conspiracy to overthrow the gov’ment.

Feds conclude tests on marijuana smoking

(Doolittle Park) The U.S. federal gov’ment, rumored to be located on the east coast of North America, has been struggling to find data linking marijuana to an assortment of health risks. Saying the study seeks to protect the American public from demon weed the analysis appears aimed at propping up the black market and the boys at Big Pharm. Here are some of the latest warnings. Please be careful.

1. Smoking marijuana causes distrust of the government and most sacred institutions.

2. The use of cannabis has been linked to silliness and a feeling that one is surrounded by a world gone mad.

3. Marijuana causes cavities, dandruff, variations in the color scale, lilt and excessive body odor after 2 weeks.

4. Marijuana causes one to eat cookies and stay indoors when temperatures reach twenty below zero.

5. Using pot while traversing unprotected cliffs (or tightropes) while blindfolded is dangerous to one’s health.

6. Smoking marijuana could result in a false sense of well-being and in extreme cases may result in the smoker watching Star Trek and Beverly Hillbillies reruns.

7. Smoking pot may lead to such dangerous behavior as chronic gardening, hiking, lovemaking and/or gourmet cooking.

8. The use of cannabis may cause the embrace of pagan holidays instead of those imposed by the mainstream religious hierarchy.

9. When coupled with dangerous music, marijuana often has been found to cause 88% of test cases to dance.

10 Users often need 6 – 8 hours sleep to function properly in our modern world. Chronically addicted puffers often talk to cat and dogs.

For more turn to Reefer Madness Sequel to Grace Theaters in August.

Surfing Club Liquidates

The last regular meeting of the Western Colorado University Surfing Club was held at the Aspinall-Wilson Center last night. The organization, chartered in 1919 by veterans of World War I, reached its peak in 1963 when it boasted some 300 members. That year the club brought the Beach Boys, Dick Dale and Jan & Dean to the campus. Over the years members have traveled to such exotic spots as Chile, Hawaii and the Canary Islands in search of the perfect wave.

The executive board decided to disband since nobody attends the meetings anymore. The last athletic scholarship awarded to a surfer here was shrouded in scandal over alleged inappropriate contact with surfing recruits in both Alma and Granby, two locales that often record temperatures lower than Gunnison measurements.

Other sore spots underscore long board disputes with Adams State University in frigid Alamosa, a row left unsettled for decades.

“Students are far more interested in snowboarding than surfing around here,” said a former member. “It’s the instant gratification thing. There’s a great ski area 28 miles to the north and good surfing spots the ocean are at least a thousand miles from here.”

Excess funds, leftover from operations, remain in a secret off-shore bank account and may go toward the further exhumation of ancient artifacts and fossils on W Mountain.

-Gabby Haze

Moved by the sangre

Celtic chills embrace me

disguised as rain and wind

roaming my spine in Union Hall

not only the sea looks back at me.

O’Sullivan you say?

We hold that quota teeming like

mussels washed in ocean butter,

kidnapped in the sandy bay.

My name like steely headlands

splashed on bricks above the door,

established 1922 and then forever more.

Forged martyrs on the cobbler’s square

scream whispers of the just

in piercing stoney silence

precipitate washed away treasures

in nimble words of my ancestors.

Wade out amid sea juices

and of your own never be afraid

your pants rolled up

like an egret deep in meditation.

Roots exposed for all to see

Soul exposed for all to see.

Wrapped in whittled rain.

Wrapped in that rascal rain

Floating like a swan,

no ripples in her whirls,

taking centuries to open

Christmas presents from the Earls.