RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

TWENTY OF THE BEST USES FOR LEFTOVER FRUITCAKE

It’s August. Do you know where last December’s fruit cake is? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:

1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems

2. Spongy, once-edible lifts for shoes

3. Decorative moss Mediterranean fireplace grout

4. Trail tofu kibble for small herd animals

5. Mediterranean house trailer skirting

6. Throw-away windshield scraper/breakfast bars (check use dates)

7. Candied stick deodorant

8. Sure-grip roofing supplement spikes for safe snow removal

9. Tear-away political platforms

10. Solar-Spell Astroturf

11. A offensive line for the Broncos.

12. Dog house insulation

13. Congressional dartboards

14. Leak-proof chinking material

15. Canvasses for bad western artists

16. Jigsaw puzzles

17. Patching for the ozone

18. Square Frisbees

19. U.S. Constitution one-speed bicycle grips

20. Succulent decoupage

-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath, critic

“You have to believe. That’s what I think. It’s not about medicine and all that stuff. You have to believe a person can get better. There is so much in the human mind we don’t understand, but you see if you have faith you can do anything.”                 

  • Young girl working at convenience store near Kingsbridge talking about cancer recovery in The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry

News from Alaska

“Investigative Journalism at it’s Finest” from The Juneau What?

Missing piece of capital found in luggage

A piece of concrete from the Capitol Building was discovered today by a Juneau International Airport TSA worker, confirming the rumor that the capital was being moved piece by piece to somewhere up North.

The piece was about two feet by one foot by eight inches and apparently came from some- where below the Governor’s office.

“At first it was pens and pencils, then note- pads, a few jobs here and there, but this is absolutely the most shocking revelation yet,” spurted Bob Carrot of the Stop The Capital Creep Committee.

“We did a study and found there are actually more than four tons missing. Some of it has just vanished, but much of it has been cleverly replaced with a faux concrete material,” explained Carrot.

“If this is allowed to continue, one day soon, the whole building will just crumble by itself,” said (continued on page 34)

– from The Juneau What?

 

NASA Breaks Alien Code

(Houston) The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has broken the code used by UFOs and other wandering aliens to communicate among themselves. It has been determined that the space creatures have used this code for more than 40 years.

The primary code, hacked by NASA scientists Thursday, appears to be simple and direct. It has survived attempts by the giants of the solar system to crack it and has protected its identity, avoiding contact with humans at all times.

“The code is this: K-E-E-P T-H-E-M I-N T-H-E-I-R H-O-U-S-E-S. D-EL-I-V-E-R T-H-E-M T-A-C-O-S, chirped a top space scientist here. We understand it on one level but that’s all. Whether they have duplicate, offsetting codes or if this one is just a dummy code is not clear at this time.”

Rumors that aliens are already here and communicating with lower primates were dismissed by a Congressional hearing this morning, leading the more radical wing of the researcher delegates to walk out in protest.

Keen military minds remain on alert and local police are monitoring the behavior of taco delivery entities all over the country.

“We should welcome these space creatures as guests,” said an Area 51 enthusiast from Area 52. “Maybe they can achieve peace in the Mideast, racial harmony in these United States, pay off the national debt and offer free education and medical like they have in Europe.”

The code, which covers a variety of topics and exercises, interfaces well with a multitude of communications, many of which are ridiculous diversions. It is not known if the aliens know about the breach of security.

Perhaps intelligent beings do not want to land on earth. It may all look like Branson and Orlando to them.

 – Tommy Middlefinger

Trump hit by pitch

(Washington) President Trump, appearing at the plate at a Congressional softball match, was struck in the forehead by a wayward pitch last night and is recovering in the Green Room at the White House. He reportedly has the blues and doctors are giving him reds.

His decision not to wear a batting helmet was lauded by his quasi-macho base. They still think he’s tough. Trump has been hit in the stomach several times in softball matches since his election but never in the noggin. Trump refuses to wear elbow pads, batting gloves or knee pads (even around Putin). He normally employs  glove but can not catch worth a damn according leaks pouring forth from the keystone.

“He didn’t even try to get out of the way of the ball,” said the catcher for the Democrat squad. “He just stuck out his head and collided with the ball.”

Trump is currently batting .125 in intellectual circles while leading the league in stolen dreams and unfounded bravado. He is most likely bound for the minors although injuries to starters may dictate a different scenario in 2020.

In a related development the Topps Baseball card company say it will terminate the Donald Trump card since no one collects them. Experts say the data on the back of the card is all lies.

– Dolores Alegria

Attractive female arm wrestler needed to sell ads for Horseshoe website in Durango and Telluride. Good pay. sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net

BLM Loses Keys to Gate

(Montrose) The Bureau of Land Management has apparently misplaced the keys to a security gate west of here fanning the flames of fear that the land inside may be up for grabs. The almost 10,000 acres, protected by the gate and almost 7,000 miles of fence, could fall into the wrong hands as soon as Tuesday.

“The Mexican gov’ment has been eyeballing this little parcel since we stole most of the Southwest from them in 1850,” said Melvin De Toole, veteran sagebrush expert with the BLM. “It has been sending reconnaissance teams up this way disguised as farm workers for almost a century. They know our weak points.”

Toole added that, in addition to the potential setbacks in the Manifold Destiny Ballpark the region could come up short of deer and elk come harvest time.

“Peoples to the south have always wanted to entice our deer and elk,” explained Toole. “It’s common knowledge that they have been coveting our elk since the Gadsden Purchase. As long as we are the custodians of the land we will fight to keep it,” he promised.

It was not clear how the elk could have escaped due only to the keys being misplaced. Insiders at the BLM think rogue elements within the agency itself purposely left the gate open. Sources near the action suggest that jealous elements in New Mexico and Utah may well have been in cahoots with the Mexicans as well.

“With the land gone what would we have to manage?” asked Toole. “The deer and elk never listen and the rest of the forest animals run away whenever we try to approach them.”

– Forest Grump

“The Democrats appear too tired to choose a Presidential candidate. They remain stunned at the entrance of the big barn dance, perplexed by what can of food to donate to the local food bank in lieu of admission fee. Are they waiting for someone else to assume control?”

– the Ghost of Paul Von Hindenburg

MASSIVE RUBBER DEPOSITS DISCOVERED UNDER SNODGRASS MOUNTAIN

(Crested Butte) An incredible rubber vein, possibly the continent’s largest, was unearthed at the base of Snodgrass Mountain yesterday. Surveyors mapping the area as part of a ski area expansion were shocked to find large specimens of the sticky rare ore just lying around on the ground.

“Upon further investigation we located massive caverns whose walls were made of almost pure rubber ore,” said Melvin Leopold, world renown mucker and long time veterinarian for the Flying Farcheezie Family. “After roaming through these tunnels and caves nobody wanted to survey anymore. The boys were having far too much fun bouncing off the walls and snatching souvenirs.”

The announcement has sent shock waves through the mining industry as Pay-Max; a giant mining concern that owns many local claims quickly sent top executives to Crested Butte to have a look. Already they are insisting that they retain all rights to Snodgrass Mountain and Gothic Mountain to the northwest. One Pay-Max spokesman told The Horseshoe that if the strike is all it appears to be, the community could see an assortment of mines and mills up and going by fall.

“Here we’ve been hanging out watching molybdenum prices go through the ceiling and now we stumble over the largest rubber reserves on the planet. It just goes to show you that the rich were born that way for a reason!”

Meanwhile, over at Vail-I70 primitive plans to harvest the rubber hit a dead end as it looks like one of the team forgot to secure the mineral rights to the Snodgrass-Gothic corridor from the United States Forest Service.

“We have one vice-president whose only responsibility is to take care of these kinds of things,” said one ski area exec. “What the hell has she been doing all these years? Skiing?”

We attempted to reach the USFS for a comment late this morning, but everyone had not arrived for work yet or had already gone home for the day.

The ski area plans to fight the mining interest, saying that the extraction of rubber from far below the earth would not be compatible with smooth ski slopes or safe foundations on condos planned for the area.

                                                                                  – Uncle Pahgre

We will be reading excerpts of the recently hobbled Mueller Report every evening through July at Colona Railway Bistro. Log Hill Fawn and Flume. See you there!