RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Missing Link “Apprehended”on White House lawn

White House security forces may have prematurely announced the capture of the curiously illusive Missing Link on Friday. Although it appears the Link was in custody at four different locations inside hastily constructed White House fortifications, nobody seems to know his present location.

 Carrying only a beach chair, a seaman’s lantern and dressed in a designer loincloth, the Link reportedly scaled a fifteen foot fence with ease as officers pursued from assorted directions.

“It’s like playing Chinese checkers without a Chinaman,” said one veteran gatekeeper. “I for one believe The Link is capable of space changing and leaps of terrifying measure,” he went on. “I saw it wth these eyes. He is resilient and other-worldly even though he may be the glue that holds our genetic history together.”

A conflicting news account has him escaping capture and disappearing into the Potomac. A Maryland woman says she saw what might have been the Missing Link crossing the street in Takoma Park. A former police officer who now operates Soggy Bottom Daycare Center in Chinatown says the fugitive from justice lives in a seedy apartment nearby.

Other high-ranking intelligence sources claim he has applied for political asylum at the Etruscan Embassy in Virginia.

This appears to be the latest in a series of White House fence jumping although it is the first incident connected to the Missing Link.

It is not clear why the FBI, the CIA, Interpol, the KGB, the NRA and an assortment of state and local law enforcement agencies are so interested in the movements of the Link, who has managed to elude them all for the past 20 years.

“Maybe the Missing Link don’t know nothin’ or maybe he knows just a little too much,” said one county sheriff. “Either way his capture would put a feather in someone’s cop cap. 

-Susie Compost

Inventor de Beenie Weenies aplastado por camión de cemento

(Cimarrón) El titular lo dice todo y, aunque no hubo testigos oculares, la conjetura es que el Abdule “Mickey” Silkworme, de 98 años, debería haberse puesto un poco más de pie.

Justo momentos después del impacto, Silkworme fue sacado de la autopista 50 y llevado al Hospital Memorial St. Roscoe en Montrose. El conductor del camión, sospechoso de estar conectado con cargos de golpe y fuga, ya que no estaba en ningún lado, no fue identificado.

“¿Cuántos camiones de concreto pudieron haber en las cercanías en el momento del choque?”, Preguntó un diputado local. “Encontraremos a la persona responsable y desconectaremos su enchufe”.

Se espera que Silkworme sobreviva (ya que nadie muere en estas noticias). Los familiares expresaron alivio al decir que ya habían tirado de la lengüeta de su ataúd de estaño y esperaban una herencia ordenada para el fin de semana “.

– Sir Otis of Liver

How they voted

Here’s how Colorado’s elected officials voted on major issues last week.

The Adoption of Turkish as the official language

Embraced by 279-143, the House approved a measure to study the fiscal affects of speaking Turkish in the chambers. The now adopted $1.8 billion budget would be placed on hold until the Senate OKs matching funds. According to a bill proposed by M Toole (R-Northumbria) the language requirement would be hinged on wind making technology and the medical uses for sagebrush. Opponents of the motion were furious when told that the road signs and silly gov’ment pamphlets would have to be translated even though no one reads them anyway. The concept of fiscal responsibility was then struck from the record and everyone went to lunch.

Voting Yes: Hemplemeyer, Kirby, Toole

Voting NO: Wanna, Elway

Pork Barrel Politics

The House again refused to change plans to serve pork ribs on Fridays despite the arrival our Arab allies. Foreign aid has not been on the docket since the British stopped sending money to the colonies in 1776. Recipients of foreign aid will continue to be the military branch of government in most cases. World Bank debts were reclassified and can now be collected from funds earmarked for schools and piggy infrastructure.

All Colorado lawmakers voted NO

To renege on minimum wage packages

The Senate voted unanimously to end debate n minimum wage packages, cut all foreign aid and give itself a raise. Extra funds will be shipped to Eastern Europe rather than Africa because the residents are White. Funds gathered from postal fees saved will be used to build prisons and repair holes in the new Vera Cruz and Sonoran Immigration Fence.

Fiscal Relief for the Middle Class

Not enough elected officials in the room to validate vote or quorum unless domestics and limo drivers cast votes.

To Include warning labels of marriage licenses

By 87-3 the Senate agreed to send emergency legislation to the White House for verification and storage. This controversial bill has been on the back burner since 1900. Proponents seek a warning label like that displayed on tobacco products. In addition a kicker requires that all intimate agreements between labor and management be transparent and clearly defined especially in the areas of childbirth and lawn maintenance.

Voting in favor: Estelle Marmotbreath, Fred Zeppelin

Voting No: Electoral Emma, Joey, Sinbad the Baby Gorilla, Vinny.

 

“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.”

– Michael Pritchard

Jack’s Cabin Now Real Estate Office

(Almont) It had to happen. With nearly half the storefronts in nearby Crested Butte hanging a real estate shingle Jack’s Cabin had to follow suit. Years ago the place was a supply depot with a store selling everyday items to real people. Now with the emergence of the resort economy it’s hard to find much more than smiling land primps and kinky sandwiches in the former coal town.

Appearing in a tasteful greenbelt and white shoes Jack was careful to clarify his status in the progression of rustic cabin to modern office building.

“I’m not getting any licenses except a cow tag,” he smiled. “I’m just leasing the place out. What else could I do…sell sneakers to the tourists? I tried selling stoves but the county passed an ordinance against them. I tried T-shirts but everyone already has enough of them. This real estate scam was my last gasp.”

Jack admitted that he was behind in cabin payments and that the bank was looking at a repossession as early as December. This disclosure added confusion to the transfer since he had been living there for about 100 years. Over 40 home equity loans since 1948 appears to be the culprit.

“I thought they’d (the bank) rent out the place,” he quipped, “and be the first lending institution in this part of the valley but they said there were not enough windows or parking.”

Until he finds affordable housing Jack will hold up in a trophy trailer out back of the cabin.

DO FISH HAVE SOULS?

Reflections by Rev. Phil Pharisee

Many of you have asked: Rev. Phil, do fish have souls? Well, haven’t you ever heard of filet of sole. Ha Ha. Listen, brothers and sisters, I haven’t a clue. My sermon this week is about drive trains and sluggish transmissions but I’ll give it a whirl.

Here’s the hook: If earwigs, flies, spiders and prairie dogs have souls why wouldn’t fish be equally equipped?

Just because they are cold-blooded doesn’t mean they cannot go on to another life. Should we eat them? Why not? They don’t care. Once they’ve been caught they’re pretty much washed up anyway. Bear eat them and so do a lot of other animals. It’s all part of the food cycle, much like our own processed frozen food aisles.

Actually fish have it petty easy just so long as they aren’t gobbled up by other fish. While spawning is immoral laying eggs is perfectly all right. Catching trout with a license is ridiculous. They like worms and salmon eggs far better. Should you use a boat? Sure, just as long as you do not entertain obscene thoughts out on the lake. Walking on the water is out, at least for now.

The other night when I was in conference with you know who he told me, “Chill, Phil. I can really get behind the people who help themselves and don’t bother me with all their petty problems, their mindless situations. There’s just too much doing onto one and other without facing the consequences. The hot seat is in store for a lot of them who think they have secured a first class ticket going up. I think another Spanish Inquisition would clear the air…”

Candid enough. So fish do have souls. Now tickle that collection plate and get on with life. You folks in the first pew now shall be in the back of the bus later. The tweaked will inherit the earth. Adieu.

Colona Wins Slogan Contest

(Hwy 550) The non-town of Colona has claimed a $50 prize in a prestigious national slogan-writing contest sponsored by the Billboard Diplomacy Enrichment Trust. Colona’s entry “Welcome to Colona – Leave Us Alona” brought down the house as judges were beside themselves to decide on a winner and write the check.

“It’s rare to see an entire community get behind an effort like this,” said a BDET source.

Residents in the small Rocky Mountain town plan to get together and vote on whether to use the money to pave two dirt streets within the confines of the settlement, which does not technically constitute a town since it has no post office, fire hydrants or local government of which to speak. The meeting has been scheduled for April of 2018 when “everyone is not so busy”. In the meantime the yet to be endorsed $50 check will be kept in a safe in the old slaughterhouse facility adjacent to the abandoned grocery next to where the railroad depot once stood.