RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Seat Belts Could Get Expiration Dates

(Denver) The state of Colorado has decided that not only will it honor expiration dates on everything from lampshades to canned goods but will push for legislation placing time limits on safe seat belt use.

Seat Belts have survived for ten or twenty years without official examination for side effects or tainted conditions. Trusting motorists often cruise along unaware of the mounting dangers.

“The gov’ment is still your little buddy,” said one highway patrol officer who won a trip to Disneyland for giving out 100,000 citations for seat belt infractions in August alone. One Grand Junction man received over 70 warnings before he got smart.

“What we have here is a serious matter of lawless consumption peppered with a dwindling respect for the law. Automotive restraining devices must be checked daily for wear. Everyone must cooperate and look the same on the road,” added the veteran officer who once gave his mom a ticket for slouching behind the wheel.

Consumer advocates , slow to respond to the seat belt crisis, say that air bags are their current focus. Champions of social homogeneity say most drivers don’t realize that the bags must be checked for pressure just like tires.

“A flat air bag is of no use to anyone,” said one source behind the cosmic meat counter. “The days of cheerful Gomer Pyle full service are over. Today’s motorist must familiarize himself with tread capacity enhancers and basic tire gauges. Theses can be conveniently stored under the seat adjacent to handguns.

In a related development, the U.S. Mouse of Representatives voted to suspend expiration dates on bottled water for the remainder of the session but to stamp a temporary restrictions on the consumption of aged scotch whiskey and old British gins.

“If there’s dust on the bottle throw it out,” said one millionaire legislator from South Dakota. “Sure it’s a senseless overture but it’s a matter of placate or perish. How else do you think we can get the corn bill passed this year? We expect all this to die in the Senate anyway due to allegiances to the Crown. The last thing the gentry there wants to do is upset Buckingham Palace right before the World Series.”

Meanwhile seat belt violations mount up with the criminal element recalcitrant to their own protection. In Montrose for instance, a 98-year-old, one-armed grandmother was cited for failure to display a seat belt on her wicker chair while operating a propane fly swatter at 2998 Yapping Dog Lane.

Later the same day three illegal aliens were ticketed for improprieties regarding minimal restraining apparatus on an unregistered concubine near LaSalle Road. The list goes on. Bears in Ouray seem oblivious to the law. Residents of Telluride have been issued permits allowing leash laws to compensate for lack of adherence during parking maneuvers.

And finally, in what could become the precedent for future enforcement, the Colorado Department of Health has sealed off the men’s room at Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Feedlot Mobile Home Park. Sources there say patrons have been in violation of safety codes there since the Spanish-American War. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”

– George Bernard Shaw   

     

UFO Continues to Hover Over White House

(Washington) A foggy cylindrical object the size of the national debt continues to float above the White House this morning leaving Pentagon officials aghast. The gray steel craft that many say resembles a Big Mac with tiny observation slits. Others describe what appear to be beaming capacities at the front and rear.

Secret Service agents on the scene say that the pesky spaceship has not shown aggression nor will it go away when we attempt to shoo it or threaten military action. It’s been four days now and although the president is away playing golf there is concern for his safety.

“We can’t be sure but we think the flying machine is loaded with tiny little green men intent on entering the country illegally,” said one White House security officer. “Everyone wants to live here you know.”

Astrologists predict that the craft has travelled billions of miles to complete its mission. One National Aeronautics and Space Administration strategist called the entire episode ambiguous since there are no photos of the flying saucer.

“It came within 20 yards of the West Wing this morning and I shot several photos. When I attempted to post them they were not there,” said the NASA Source. “We are dealing with a gap in technology. Even our Hubble Collection could not capture an image.”

Rumors that House and Senate leaders Mitch McDonnell and Paul Ryan have been abducted were confirmed this afternoon.

“We can only believe the president. Everyone (else) is a liar,” said that Huckabee woman. “He is on the 6th green and is expected back in Washington tomorrow. Just wait and see what these cowardly space creatures do when a real man is on the scene.”

Reporters, amused by the continued antics surrounding the administration, did not press Huckabee who spent the conference trying not to look up would not confirm the sightings.

The craft was first spotted in July at a Tacoma Park nightclub disguised as a pizza delivery truck carrying refurbished souls for Republican politicians and a cargo of synthetic spines for their Democrat counterparts.

“We figure the aliens have seen enough and have decided to intervene before we humans succeed in blowing the planet apart,” said one veteran reporter and enemy of the people. “I’d give my right arm to see their final guest list.”

It is not known if the visit from outer space is in any way linked to other bizarre occurrences of late. Readers may remember that yesterday a tornado touched down at the top of the Continental Divide and universal health insurance was established in the U.S.

Then this morning, in a classic logjam maneuver thought to be perpetrated by the aliens, an Amtrak computer malfunction sent hundreds of its trains on a mad dash to Utah.

– Gabby Haze

Bigfoot, Bear Extend Confrontation

(Silverton) A Mineral Creek Bigfoot and local bear have exchanged harsh words in the past but nothing like today when a heated altercation stormed out of the woods and down into the town.  Clearly the problem stems from habitat issues, with the big foot demanding local bears stay out of his terrain while the bears say Bigfoot has no rights here.

“Bigfoot is a pig,” said one bruin. “His camp is a mess and he throws garbage into the creek. He has no sanitation skills and howls at night keeping other animals awake. We’re gonna get him this time,” he pledged.

This morning the conflict spilled into Silverton frightening train passengers and halting traffic on Greene Street. When police finally chased the participants back into the wilderness, crumbled asphalt, chunks of fur and deep-seated resentment filled the air.

According to eye witnesses the Bigfoot/Yeti was surrounded by as many as three bears and, despite the initial assault, stood his ground.

“That boy is one tough sombitch,” said a guest at the Triangle Motel. “He run off them bear like they was those little plastic jars of honey.”

According to a police report the Bigfoot then made his escape through a back alley with the bear in pursuit. Despite climbing to safer ground, he suffered inflicting blows and a nasty bite on the lower calf. Officers following a blood trail watched as the fight moved to a more wooded venue toward Kendal Mountain where the warring parties disappeared from view.

“They are all out of town for now,” said one officer, “but they’ll be back when the last of the autumn food chain is kaput  and the dumpsters glisten in the melting snow.”

Local black bear contend that the Bigfoot is not only trespassing but that he is not indigenous to the area. (He is commonly believed to be from the San Luis Valley). Bigfoot feels that because stands on two legs and can use tools he should dominate. He also says the bear are stupid.

The Big Foot that has been wintering up Mineral Creek for some five years and until last month there had been no incidents involving the fiercely territorial Bigfoot and other wildlife, real or imagined.

And if that’s not enough to whisk one’s bristles, Montrose County officers report another Missing Link sighting on the Uncompahgre Plateau near Columbine Pass.

According to an official report: “We had him corned in a eucalyptus grove but he slipped away when it got dark,” “He was a big one and his personal hygiene was an issue, especially after the monsoons and high winds.” said one deputy. “It was enough to make you want to go stand over on the other side of the meadow.”

It is believed that the possible Missing Link hitched a ride into Naturita to avoid capture. A manhunt and pancake breakfast is scheduled for Saturday morning in the town park.

“This kind of thing is normal,” said one resident, “especially during fall season when we have all these hunters running around in these woods.”

In a related piece, Confront Range authorities are expected to announce the results of their mega investigation aimed at determining shell phone use in packs of Neanderthal-Americans who once roamed the Rockies. Until a few years ago, the technology seemed out of reach for these primitive beings but recently discovered artifacts, as well as extravagant cave dwellings suggest otherwise.

Piles of shells, presumably left out in the sun to charge by hopped up antediluvians, further suggest that evolution of sorts was in progress or it could be no more than another round of monkey business. Anthropologists here are attempting to determine if there is a further link in these episodes or if they are only isolated incidents. – Small Mouth Bess

“I invent nothing. I transmit.” – Confucius

WESTERN COLORADO FROM A – Z

A primer for visitors and residents who may have missed something

by Uncle Pahgre

with apologies to Ambrose Bierce

Armadillo – a.) one of the few organisms not found in gaping chuckholes on Colorado highways. b.) rhymes with a city on the way to Plano.

Buffalo (Golden) – a. A football team that, despite drafting prospects from Southern California, struggles in the PAC-12. b.) curious mascot of a team that people in Western Colorado hope will do well even though most resent the goings on in Boulder.

Cannibal – in Lake City aka Alferd Packer, the man who allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County in 1874. History tells it that the tragedy was a result of desperation near Slumgullion Pass but it just as well could have resulted from Packer’s sticker shock at the price of Western Slope groceries.

DOW – The Division of Wildlife. Custodians of our furry friends. You can tell one of these from the bears because they wear baseball caps. Even though they may spend a good portion of the day out in the woods they still have a behind-the-desk approach. These people actually believe public land is better under federal protection. See Logging and the USFS.

Extemporaneous corruption – a.) when cheating laps itself b.) crooked but never late for church c. You know, like when a fire just up and starts itself. d) immoral profits generated by artificial intelligence.

Flatlanders – People who live at lower elevation and visit Colorado to buy a second home thus driving real estate prices through the ceiling. People who video cam mountains even though the latter don’t generally provide movement of any kind.

Guns – What many people in Western Colorado stockpile thinking it will hold off federal helicopters, bears or an angry neighbor.

This photo was taken along the coast of Maine but it could just as well have been snapped in Western Colorado.

Hemp – After a well educated electorate, what the feds fear the most, for no clear reason. A universal fabric that could save many natural resources by application. Could make pharmacies extinct. Rope perfect for hangings.

Indian – a.) Feathered character often called savage by the enlightened manifest destiny folks of 19th Century b.) natives of India. c.) persons providing target practice for drugstore cowpokes on Saturday morning TV in the 50s. Preferably called “First People.”

Jackass – a.) a useful, yet stubborn, methodical, cantankerous pack animal  b.) Person who exhibits a similar behavior to the animal minus the ability to carry his own weight.

Kryptonite – The mineral common to Red Lady Mountain in Crested Butte. Used in the production of mountain bikes, the rare ingredient is the treasure to be mined by the evil monster, Molybdenum.

Lynx – a relative of the bobcat this beautiful wild animal had been hunted to near extinction due to its practice of killing and eating ugly sheep and chickens. Now surviving quite well in the Rockies. See The Missing Lynx..

Mariachi – a.) a type of music originating from Spain, then perfected in Jalisco, Mexico. b.) the type of music often generated from low riders (See Espanola) c.) the kind of music the late sportsman Botsie Spritzer played in his fishing wagon when he couldn’t find his polka tapes.

Naked – a.) How one comes into this world and, unless tampered with by an obsessive valet of sorts, how one will g out. b.) the sinful and immoral display of the human body without the benefit of clothing c.) how mountain lions go to work each day.

Ohio – a.) a place where a lot of early Gunnison County pioneers came from as evidenced by the presence of Ohio Creek, Ohio Pass, Ohio City on local maps. b.) a reasonably good place to be from. c.) in a spelling bee the easiest challenge compared to Allegheny and Monongahela.

Pea Green – a.) the fiscal and religious center of the American Dream, located near Hoover’s Corner. b.) a medical disorder common to sailors attempting to ward off the scurvy by consuming a gross quantity of limes.

Quartsite – a.) a 19th century mining town/district claiming 10,000 residents at its height (prior to cable TV). b.) a lot on which to build a Quarthouse. c.) a fictitious tent city Shangri-La created by the Colorado Historical Society to lure summer tourists into the state.

Railroad – a.) Once the pride of Western Colorado now all but gone from the landscape. Clear thinking residents agree that reconstruction would solve a host of mass transportation problems, alleviate road maintenance costs and decrease drunk driving infractions. b.) the preferred mode of subsidized transportation in most civilized nations.

Slow Elk – a.) a bovine, something easy to shoot at. b.) a pasture potato that resembles cattle. Lunch.

Tree – gourmet treats (pine) for beetles due to global warming.

Uncompahgre – a.) the most mispronounced word (by visitors) until Saguache was invented in 1877. b.) a bastardization of what Tonto called the Lone Ranger. A valley made from a river of the same name.

Venison – a rude and insensitive term for deer no longer on-the-hoof.

Water – a.) traditionally the major issue to residents on the west side of the Maginot Line (Continental Divide). Newcomers seem to think that it just runs through the faucet while Front Range interests think its something infinite with which to flush their state-of-the-art toilets b.) that wet stuff in lakes and rivers. c.) a clear, colorless, nearly odorless and tasteless liquid unless one seeks a drink from an urban water supply wherein it often becomes a putrid bit of murky semi-refreshment. d.) proverbially the stuff that one can lead a horse to but often fails to make the animal drink.

Xylophone – a musical instrument not common to polka or bluegrass music. b.? Better than relying on Xerxes or Xerox to get to the next letter in this stupid literary rendering. c.) An easy one if this article were in Chinese.

Yampa – a.) a Northern Ute band who didn’t take kindly to preachers plowing up local race tracks and introducing farming. Joseph Meeker’s short term clients. b.) a major landmark in downtown Sunbeam, Colorado.

Zero – a.) the temperature in Fahrenheit when the dog’s vodka freezes in his bowl. b.) the offensive output of the Bronco offense so far in 2018  c.) what is leftover when one subtracts nothing from nothing.

– Melvin O’Toole

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

Brought to you in spectrum black and white by O’Hara’s Pink-Eye Ointment and Trough Oil. If it’s not O’Hara’s it’s not O’Hara’s.

(The scene: A tree house in East Africa, 1936)

Tarzan: Tarzan kick lion ass.

Jane: Tarzan, I’m surprised at you, using such vulgar language here in The Horseshoe. Don’t you know that our readers are sensitive and easily offended? Besides, you were lucky the lion backed off or you might be dinner for the whole pride.

Tarzan: What?

Jane: Now go and pick me some fresh bananas. It’s Cheetah’s birthday and I want to bake her a cake.

Tarzan: Tarzan call elephants, do job.

Jane: And that’s another thing. Who do you think you are exploiting the honorable elephant for your own ends.

Tarzan: Tarzan always call elephants…

Jane: Well those days are over, sailor. From now on we’ll be doing things the civilized way like they do in Britain. You do plan to wear a shirt for dinner don’t you? Boy and his wife will be joining us for tea…

Tarzan: Boy no care about shirt.

Jane: What? What did you say?

Tarzan: Tarzan kick lion ass good.

THE END

For top drawer analysis and further discussion of this segment please turn to Don’t tell me what I don’t already know on page 45.