RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Solar Cars Even A Moron Can Fix

Just open the hood and line up the Styrofoam-laced engine block with the joystick interface (See handy operator’s guide) and you’re halfway home. Then adjust for sunrise and sunset. Be sure your digital hair-brain is engaged and is set on the correct day of your monthly preventative maintenance or the cusp of your mechanical nightmare.

And you won’t need metric tools! No wrenches, no hammer and certainly no messy oil and gas. Just let the sunshine in, drop the pedal to the metal and proceed to your next destination in style.

Then look for the carburetor. There isn’t one. Nor is there a catalytic convertor, fuel injection or even a radiator! All you have under the hood is a solar collector, three industrial rubber bands and a small fan. First: Go to the solar bank (on the left side of the windshield wiper fluid container on most models) and check to see if there is enough sunlight stored to start the mobility process. Second: Check air in tires. Third: Adjust seat and windows.

Parking your solar car in the sun will charge the batteries faster than any other method. Usually exposure (with sunscreen) for three hours will net the driver 400 miles on uninterrupted travel.

On cloudy days, just stay home and work in the garden.

For a full disclosure with mounds of advice and mindless comment go to the Solar Cars chapter in “Origami Pursuits” and enter your password. Engine audio noises, screeching tires, diesel clouds and revving sounds sold under other wrapper.

– Alfalfa Romero

“(Our current government)…enjoys transferring wealth upward by subsidizing affluent individuals and large economic entities.” – George Will, Washington Post

China Cuts Off Chicken Feet

(San Francisco) China will suspend all exports of chicken feet until the spring it was announced this morning. Despite a seemingly cordial exchange during President Trump’s scheduled visit there, fiscal commentators fear the worst.

“He must have said or done something to piss them off,” said a news anchor at National Public Radio.

“The president got tough behind the scenes for a change and forced China to regulate trade deficits,” said a token colored analyst at FOX News. “How could he have offended them? He doesn’t even speak Chinese.”

In a tedious exchange, blending Pol Potesque social order with a menu of 16th Century Machiavellian personality disorders, China has agreed to accept 3 megatons of campaign litter from the United States if the Trump Administration will simply sit down to a formal kimchee dinner summit in Pyongyang.

The White House, which has reportedly denied already asking what dish it can bring to the talks, has promised a decision on this newest development by the weekend or maybe in 2020.

The Chinese prefer to use campaign litter, written in English, in their little ovens that churn out billions of inessential plastic objects for export.

“We only want fresh propaganda. We don’t want workers loafing around reading about Walter Mondale or Bob Dole when they are supposed to be making plastic,” said one factory supervisor through an interpreter.

-Ripple Van Winkle

Motel Rooms Missing After Season

(Ouray) It’s one thing to snag a towel or swipe a roll of toilet paper but taking a whole room is something else altogether. That’s what folks here are saying after five motel rooms have gone missing from two 3rd Avenue lodges.

The missing motel units, three from the Victorian Inn and two from the Box Canyon Lodge, reportedly disappeared sometime in September. After a preliminary investigation by local law enforcement officers, it was not clear how the rooms were removed or even if former guests were responsible.

“We feel silly letting somebody walk off with our rooms,” said a source at the Box Canyon. “We get so busy around here in late summer that we don’t have time to do a daily inventory. We just have to presume that if a room was there last night it is still there tonight. Usually it is.”

Over at the Victorian the staff has been put on full alert as to potential room rip-offs and is still searching for the rooms or at least a clue as to their status.

“We don’t want to accuse anyone of anything at this point,” said a manager. “All we know is that the rooms are gone and somebody appears to have pinched them. It must have happened in the middle of the night. If it were a morning job someone certainly would have noticed odd behavior going on.”

Both lodging entities have consulted with police and are in the process of filing what amount to unusual, if not extraordinary claims with their respective insurance companies. Local authorities promise a full investigation as of this evening, with heightened security followed by tedious checkout procedures the next day.

After an anonymous tip, police questioned an unidentified, unreliable eyewitness then discounted his testimony since he has been in jail in Montrose since July 30. Residents are asked to keep a sharp eye out for any suspicious behavior that might help resolve the mystery.

“There are only two ways in or out of town unless you count all the jeep roads. It’s hard to believe someone could get clean away dragging a motel room or two with them,” said one officer who believes the alleged thieves headed northwest, despite the chronic congestion in Montrose, to avoid steep passes coming out of the canyon. “We think this could be oil shale related. Do you know how much a nice motel room goes for these days in Rifle or Rock Springs? Them mother frackers don’t like to sleep out in the elements.”

In some brighter economic news, the city of Ouray has reached its goal of 12,000 gallons of tourist soup made during the summer at the Hot Springs Pool. The soup, popular in Texas and Oklahoma, will be sold at various functions throughout the winter. Anyone who would like to retail the mixture is asked to call the town hall. The soup will be ready to go by October, as soon as the carrots and potatoes have softened up a bit say the cooks. As in years before packets of the stuff will be freeze-dried for mailing.

In yet other developments rogue elements of the city crew has warned tourists to stay on the sidewalks in 2020 or face elimination by city vehicles. Saying that a blatant disregard for law and order has reached flood stage, the perpetrator(s) of this decree have threatened to seize the flumes and return the exterior of the Beaumont Hotel to a faded pink if they are not taken seriously.

In closing, Ice Park officials say that October is far too early to be concerned about ice levels at the climbing facility up Camp Bird Road.

“We don’t flip into worry mode until proper temperatures start getting below freezing,” said one engineer.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Crew needed for Martian voyage. Personnel sought include helmsman, sheepherder, computer programmer, navigators, pilots, comfort hosts and hostesses, bartenders, maintenance engineers, architects. Chris in Genoa Gated Community.

Mega-Tourism Demise of Rome

(Vienna) Archeologists returning from a massive dig in northwest Italy say the Roman Empire was driven to its knees by too much of a good thing. Dribbles of tourism seemed to be just the thing to aid the ailing economy drenched from Caesar’s jaunts into Galicia and the building of navy to match the nautical capacites of Egypt.

That opened the doors and soon the entire peninsula was flooded with the defeated on vacation. Yes, the very people subjugated though the Roman conquests over the past century had come home to roost. There were Carthaginians and Belgicans and Judeans and Numians, all crowding the markets. all asking dumb questions.

Rampant, out-of-control mobs soon seeped from beneath the walls of the Coliseum infecting neighborhoods in peace since the days of Romulus and Uncle Remus. And that was before they put the sunroofs and vomitoriums in over at the Senate annex.

From the East came the Lycians, Macedonians, Cretans, Armenians, all with their odd ancient ways despite the efforts of the Empire to bring them along in the Roman way.

Then there were the cruise ships and the geeks from Britannia and camera-wielding munchkins from the molehills of pretty Lockleara and the hallucinogenic meadows of San Pedro. There were even Germanic tribes like the Visigoths, the Saxons and the Franks who would someday bring apocalyptic terror to these very streets and bazaars. But today they were on vacation too, mobbing the restaurants, taking all the parking spots, drunk by noon.

For a quasi-related piece please turn to “Pray Away the Hay Backfires” in The Weekend Rancher.

Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks

(Ouray) Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the late summer.

Earlier rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.

Most say they are already looking forward to spring.

The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.

Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.

-Dolores Alegria

CHUCKHOLE APOLOGY

In our 2019 much quoted Chuckhole Primer For the Ages we advised motorists to speed up when closing in on porous chuckholes. We suggested that with an increased speed and velocity the vehicle in motion would easily skim over the gaping holes/ landing safely on the other side without incident or damage to the under-carriage of the car.

Well, it turns out this approach is invalid and the promised results are very questionable. In fact following this advice will most likely destroy shocks, tires, wheels, mirrors, windshields, drive trains, seat covers, teeth, paint, glass and the alignment. And it could get you a reckless driving ticket to boot.

Driving fast and “flowing smoothly” over chuckholes is not a good idea at all. Although our research is not conclusive, we must at this time warn motorists to slow down and avoid chuckholes rather than hitting them head-on.

We have effectively changed our chuckhole status from “cool and macho” to “not at all advisable” unless your ride features specially made assault tires, a pop-up pontoon bridge for particularly deep and difficult chuckholes, or a parachute.

Low riders should proceed at their own risk, always employing the Penasco (tilde: enya) Principle (Multiply tire size by 6 and divide by the depth of the asphalt blemish).

High altitude (over 9000 feet) chuckholes should be avoided especially when they are with their young. Seasonal distractions such as hunters stringing nets over chuckholes to trap small rodents and birds will be discussed in our next chapter.

 – Beyon’ Dynamite