RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Bears Waking Up in High Country

Black bear all over the Rockies are waking up for the summer. Many need furniture. If you have anything to donate please drop it in front of any bruin-proof debris container in your town. And please hold the noise down until 7 since the animals often like to sleep in on weekends.

Tenure Records Gone

Missing Link to the Past Nets Legitimacy Chaos at WSCU

(Gunnsion) Verification of faculty tenure at Western State University is pretty much anyone’s guess these days with the disclosure that the Tomichi Tenure Tabernacle has been misplaced. Blamed on maintenance personnel, the loss could affect future class loads,publishing merits, academic contracts and research grants.

“It was here just the other day,” said one administrator who only gave her name as Doctor someone.

The arch, or tabernacle as it is called by the faithful, was moved once in 1999 due to the threat of a forest fire in the region and again when the Hell’s Angels came to Gunnison in 2010.

“Since we are a state institution we must adhere to state regulations when it comes to fire,” said the administration spokesman. “That means we have to keep at least two buckets of tepid water and a folding shovel at hand. As far as pacifying motorcycle gangs goes there is no one of staff with that kind of expertise.”

 Many think the data was lost during the recent transition from college to university status since mounds of records were tossed and ancient files hauled to the dump.

Tenure is the magic status that allows faculty members to do whatever they want without having to answer to the people who write the checks at the college. Some students have attained a kind of backdoor tenure at WSCU by taking six or seven years to complete a four-year curriculum.

A strip search, planned for on-campus dorms was canceled Friday after threats from the Civil Liabilities Union. Legend has it that the tenure records were engraved on two sets of stoned tablets believed to be sent down from W Mountain (www.mountain.com) after one football coach or the other led the Department of Kinesiology out of slavery at Adams State College (splitting Blue Mesa in two in a diversionary tactic aimed at approaching Gunnison from the west). Unlike its rather weak and suspicious Red Sea counterpart the entire incident was filmed by a fisherman from Oklahoma who has reportedly been indicted for blackmail and employing live bait in a restricted area.

A popular film, entitled The Ten Regents loosely chronicles the event. It stars Charlatan Festoon and will be presented during NRA Week on campus in October.

A reward in the form of tuition credits is offered for the return of the sacred chest/taberbacle.

– Jack Spratt

“The only bull I know who carried his china closet with him.” – Winston Churchill in reference to then Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, the arrogant, puritanical architect of American foreign policy after World War II

GOD HOLDING BACK ON DAMAGE DEPOSIT

In a rare proviso, the Big Boys in Heaven, have resolutely ordained that the damage deposit on earth, allegedly paid by one Adam and his wife Eve (no last name given) many centuries ago, will not be returned.

Judged to be authentic even though it had no return address, the dictatorial edict is expected to have far-reaching affects. If the caveat is put in motion it would almost certainly cause frantic migrations, a food crisis and could throw flags and nationalism into the toilet.

The undisclosed sum, held in trust for thousands of years, was an integral part of the overall agreement signed when humans first rented the planet. The amount in question was not made public although with economic factors such as inflation and interest, experts say it is somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 trillion dollars.

Several in Congress are attempting to make contact with the Landlord but to no avail. Even politicians who claim to talk to God everyday are perplexed and frustrated by the turn of events.

“They should have seen this coming,” said one environmental activist. “They moved in to a perfectly clean, well stocked, paradise but trashed the place.”

Another was not so kind.

“I don’t know why an all-knowing being allowed them to continue to live there,” said an EPA official who demanded anonymity. “I’d have kicked their arses out the first time they were late on a rent payment.

“The United States,” he said, is the worst perpetrator since that country had the ways and means to combat the growing disaster and did little preferring to adopt a tragic ideology saying that everything on earth was for their consumption without peril.”

Authorities were hesitant to confirm the obvious. The humans, they say, have done some wonderful things while inheriting the earth and that “we are dedicated to making it a better place for all.”

Many in Congress see the foggy move as a bluff, saying that  God would have a tough time finding renters for such a large property. They stressed that the communique was in code and quite vague depending on how one read it.

“We need to make a deal with Him and secure a few indications of what’s up next. Those monies are earmarked for our next pay raise.”

An earthly spokesman for the Heavens (We certainly have an overrun) says he believes God is quite serious about the breakup.

“The sore points,” he flinched, “revolve around the destruction of the seas, the uneven distribution of wealth, over-population, the ozone, the celebration of ignorance, programmed fear, rampant distrust, and mindless greed.”

“There is a whole roster within The 7 Deadly Sins. You could look it up,” he said

“You’ll see that money when hell freezes over,” continued the notice which stopped short of demanding immediate evacuation. “Evictions in some of the more ravaged regions will begin shortly.”

Several aborigine societies clustered around the globe will be exempt from the house cleaning, since their civilization has coexisted with natural laws as part of the framework of their civilization. Insiders suggest that these enlightened, often nomadic clans could inherit the whole ball of wax by virtue of an option to buy clause written into the next lease.

“You humans are already in his cross hairs. Nobody up here much like you since you have no respect for the gifts given you.  Dialogues de sourds (conversations of the deaf) will do nothing but antagonize heaven, a pleasant enough place many of you scoundrels will never see even from your Hummers and private jets.”

This morning a United Nations’ partisan commission was set up to review the situation. Members appeared clearly overwhelmed as to what a first step may constitute, according to seraphs familiar with omnipresent thinking patterns. After a few speeches and impotent motions the lawmakers adjourned for an extravagant luncheon featuring dolphin steaks, sea turtle soup, whooping crane meringue  with flambéed sea otter, and an assortment of other known intelligent delicacies, once deemed endangered species.

– Uncle Pahgre

More on Textual Harassment Case

Earlier this week Sarah Huckabee Sanders claimed that President Trump called her “a squat parasite, a pandering imbecile, a spineless charlatan (and) severely damaged goods. He then concluded that, “When they are passing out brains she was out of town”.

Despite the alleged assaults the Press Secretary will remain at her post. Instead of defending anyone, critics were amazed and distracted in that the president had such a firm grasp of the English language.

“This some of most clever, albeit biting, rhetoric that has ever flown from the mouth of President,” said Ernestine Warhole, respected editor of the Prince George (County) Defender. “It reminds us of Millard Filmore way back in 1850 when he allegedly called his short-lived Secretary of War “a trebling nincompoop that couldn’t find his ass if he had a map.”

 

“You may be my only serious readers,” – Melvin O’Toole when detained by border patrol at El Paso, TX, May 23, 1968. Later testimony proved the feds had it out for the scribe after he publication of his book “Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings” which they say is a vicious attack on the established order, while O’Toole insists his literary efforts revolve around recording the history of minor league baseball along the Ohio River (1937 –  2000)

GARDENING MAGAZINES CAN LEAD TO DEPRESSION IN HIGH COUNTRY

High Altitude Blues

(Dallas Divide) Reading gardening magazines this time of the year can lead to serious depression according to a local psychologist. People who habitually peruse these glossy periodicals run the risk of embracing serious doldrums after looking at pictures of colorful flowers and green grass, then glancing outside at leftover, often discolored, windswept snow.

“The safest way to handle this potential problem is to wait until about May or even June to examine these magazines,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a local circuit shrink whose practice spans an area from Lizard Head Pass to Sargents. “Every year, despite our frank warnings, we treat more and more people for this malady.”

Pennywhistle says that the condition often surfaces as early as February, after the first warm weather descends on the area.

“These spectacular days are nothing but teasers, as most of us know,” he said, “but somehow our subconscious convinces us that winter is over and summer is on the way. This is dangerous ground on which to proceed, even if it is beginning to thaw out.”

Pennywhistle suggests that gardening enthusiasts pull the drapes and stay inside if they feel compelled to expose themselves to these drastic contrasts. He suggests daily sessions with all kinds of of fertilizer followed up by nightly soil inhalants.

Adding that the practice of sending more chronic cases to the Amazon for a month has worked in the past but that newer, more potent, cases of the blues have began surfacing a few years ago.

“Geographical therapy is less and less effective. This depressed state is not good for other people and plants who have to deal with this sadness on a day to day basis either. It affects entire communities. If the truth be known, I prefer that my clients stick to snowmobile and skiing magazines until at least the Fourth of July .”

– Fred Zeppelin

“Would that the Roman people had a single neck” (to cut off their head)  – Emperor Caligula (Gaius Caesar)

WYOMING EXPANDS FOOD CHAIN, FLAUNTS THE EXOTIC

(Cody, Wyoming) Wilderness voices today declared that Wyoming will be the first state to introduce large marsupials* to the western United States. In introducing antilopine kangaroos to its wide-open spaces the Cowboy State continues a tradition of bronco rides in the local legislature as well as on the national stage.

Readers may recall that Wyoming was the first state to pass women’s suffrage in 1869.

The inclusion of kangaroos, wallabies, and koalas would really expand an already diverse cross-section of mammals prowling the place, according to people who spend a lot of time outside in the wind.

The prize acquisition, the kangaroo is known to be tough with his feet, making the species a good bet to survive in the summer, and then migrate to Arizona in the winter.

Wallabies differ from ‘roos in that they burrow and hibernate in their little pouches, often not rising until the Fourth of July. They are the meanest animals on the planet and represent a formidable challenge to hungry wolves and mountain lions. The common Bunbury wallaby is related to Rocky Mountain marmot on their mother’s side of the family.

Koalas, on the other hand are cute and withdrawn. They should enjoy eating all of the eucalyptus trees that cover more than 70% of the territory. The panda-like bear are known to appreciate a nice chicken fried steak, wild asparagus pie, biscuits and gravy, camp beans and a cold beer every so often.   

Already some 200 inmates from special plea bargain units of several state prisons are at work building wind fences, securing gated communities and drilling oil wells in apprehension of the needs of their new neighbors. By the time most of these men are released from prison the species should be well entrenched in the region.

“If this experiment goes well we will be in line to adopt several Tasmanian Devils that, in addition to bringing the grace and good taste of Down Under are said to be a hoot on Saturday night,” continued the source. “Lord knows we could use a little excitement around here in April.”

*Of course there are an assortment of opossums on every corner in North America and let us not forget the tiny Biting Microbiothera that is attracted to synthetic fibers and snap beans. This could but probably does not include the more erotic Delphian strains but certainly not bandicoots and bilbies.

– Billy Mosca