RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Champion Fly Swatter in Town

(Almont) Legendary fly assassin, Melvin Toolefly is expected here this week to instruct the faithful in proper fly control techniques. The acclaimed “Matador de Moscas” (Fly Killer) will be offering classes for the beginner all the way up to expert fly combatant.   

Toolefly’s 70 years of fly extermination experience is not likely to be lost on desperate local residents. Many are faced with large, aggressive green-headed beasts “in their buttermilk” that come down to lower country after a summer of torturing livestock up high.

Attributing his legendary status to long arms and concentration, Toole reportedly smashed an estimated 74 flies, during a recent interview with The Gunnison Times.

“He did it bare-handed, the old-fashioned way, one fly at a time,” praised the paper “with nothing but a paper towel tube and three rubber bands. No electric zappers, no fly paper, no SWAT team…He just did it with perseverance and guts. Lots of guts.”

A bit jumpy, Toolefly sat rubbing his hands together during most of the interview.

– Rocky Flats

Sand traps and landfills

Peace Treaty with Bad Angels in Jeopardy

(Hell) An antediluvian agreement, allegedly signed in the primeval dust of angelic battle, has been destroyed by fire according to demonic sources here.

“It is a tragedy of epic proportions,” said a prepared statement from downstairs.

The loss of the original pact between Good and Evil leaves that classic truce hanging by its ears. It’s destruction casts doubt on the validity of contracts, grants and leases written and signed before or since it was reduced to Hadean ashes. It also puts the Two Eternal Powers toe to toe and could dictate a return to hostilities.

Heaven, hesitant to mobilize for fear of offending its most favored trading partner, has declared a nationalemergency so as to give attorneys time to respond or find a copy of the initial peace treaty.

Both sides have shared little, preferring to jockey for godly position, one eye on the saints and the other on the sinners. Meanwhile the entire salvation mechanism has broken down as bureaucrats ignore daily chores so as to more effectively measure adversaries on the power pole.

One celestial expert is quick to dismiss the crisis. “…rusty-saber wing flapping by a bunch of old-fart arch-angels that would be better off playing golf.”

“Good and Evil have been co-existing for so long that it is often hard to tell one from the other…like right and wrong,” she flinched. “They are comfortable together.”

Sociable scientists in Purgatory say the entire episode is politically motivated and that morale is particularly low in hell this time of the year.

“The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, warns a Purgatorial proverb,” she quipped.

“By now the place must be overcrowded with sinners of all shapes and sizes. Seriously, I’ve heard the food ain’t half bad the service is inhumane.”

– Daddy Longlegs

Low Riders Banned from Engineer

(Ouray) Persons operating low-rider vehicles, hydraulic shocks, space-age woodies, RVs and ruptured Humvies have been banned from Engineer Pass due to clearance considerations. The pass, notorious for deep ravines and mounds of shale, is a challenge for four-wheel-drives.

     According to the Forest Service and Department of Transportation street vehicles have no business traversing tight switchbacks and manipulating steep grades found on Engineer. Both say simple math can be employed to determine rate of success in negotiating the pass.

     In addition to the hazards of height, many of these banned vehicles simply do not have the torque to make it to the top.

     Hinsdale County officials have yet to decide what, if any action should be taken on their side of the pass. Many feel that if backcountry drivers make it to the top they should not be restricted on the descent. They remind all drivers to check their brakes before starting downhill.

– Atila Higgins

Black Canyon Dug By Druid

(Crawford) The Black Canyon of the Gunnison was originally dredged by a Druid by the name of Finn MacCool while on a fishing excursion to the New World in 1050. Previous studies suggest that the Gunnison River dug out the canyon. These are false.

     According to scholars, MacCool, whose descendants went on to build the railroad through Colorado, excavated what is now the monster canyon quite by accident. Apparently Finn had been banished by his true love (a sweet young thing who operated a bead shop in Paonia and later married a local realtor) and was observed absent-mindedly dragging his massive ash batha (shillelagh) along the very lines of what is now the canyon.

     Described as a cross between Paul Bunyan and Batman, MacCool soon vanished from the region although his off-spring are said to be employed as artisans in Ridgway to this very day.

It’s all in the grip (or at least some of it)

One of the key elements to a successful round of golf is the grip. Above we observe the methodology of two local ladies at Dos Rios in Gunnison. Why does cold beer go so well with golf? That has yet to be established as of this afternoon. Local pros say experiments are expected to continue throughout the autumn.