RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Thousands Illegally on Endangered List

(Montrose) Thousands of Americans are illicitly included on the Endangered Species Roster according to an Interior Department spokesperson here. The situation, which has been out of hand since mobs of illegal immigrants began crossing the U.S. border in the Seventies, is getting worse.

     Desperate people feel that inclusion on the endangered list might net them citizenship, benefits or even financial assistance somewhere down the road according to the source.

“They are making it difficult for the people who are legitimately endangered and have a Constitutional right to government programs and help,” said the spokesperson. “If these numbers continue to grow we may have to scrap the entire concept and let nature take its corpse.”

Most data suggests that 70% of the names currently listed on the roster belong there. The other 30% is made up of persons, citizens or not, who feel that their best hope for the future is to be technically endangered.

“Nobody’s hunting brown-nosed ferrets or humpback ptarmigans anymore, are they?” smiled the Interior Department memo writer. “We don’t blame these people for wanting a better life but they’re messing up our statistics, and we don’t like that. It’s pretty much an economic issue that may require bringing home all of our troops to man the borders in the near future.”

At present there are no politicians on the master list. Likewise lawyers, cell phone salesmen, pimps, television evangelists and developers are markedly absent.

By definition, species that are at risk today or may not survive tomorrow due to decreasing numbers are included on the endangered list but only after Congressional approval. Many of the persons who are currently on the register fit well on this grid despite the fact that the planet’s human population is exploding.

“What we have here is a desperate surge toward survival by persons who cannot find other forms of refuge,” said the federal source. “The solution is simple enough: We need to create some new official gov’ment categories and more lists to join so that these intruders can gain a sense of belonging. Then we can go about our primary business of putting wild animals into zoos for their own protection. We hate to see people being made into criminals just because they have no other options.”

Meanwhile the Bush Administration has given persons who are on the list illegally until March to turn themselves in or face deportation.

– Fred Zeppelin

“No dar papaya!” – Don’t leave valuables around tempting people to steal. Lit: “Don’t give your money (away).

TATTOOS MAY ADD YEARS TO LIFE

(Needle Rock, CA) Adorning the body with tattoos may have some positive effects according to a new study just released by the School of Psychometrics at Cal Polygamy. According to clear findings people with tattoos live longer, on average, than people without the designs.

Of the subjects tested back in March of 1955 and again in May of 1965, then interviewed in 1995 and 2018 almost 90% of those who had tattoos are still kicking. Many had worked as sailors, often from merchant marine ships and fishing trawlers.

“There were far more of these old salt types still alive in 1990 than there are in 2018,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, (of the Gladstone Pennywhistles mind you) chair of the department. “We’ll just have to write that off to inflation. The survey does have a built in inaccuracy component of 14% which is a bit high for these kinds of studies.”

The researchers do not yet know what they will do with the findings until all the data can be further scrutinized and be offset with other similar studies. At present neither the FDA or the AMA have endorsed the displaying of tattoos, or even body piercing, despite links to booster shots and the uses of leeches in treatment.

Reaction within the tattoo and body painting community was guarded with advocacy groups insisting tattoos were “never about mortality, and certainly not morality.”

Local parlors report a slight upturn in walk-in traffic but nothing dramatic.

“We always see a lot of new faces around the holidays,” said Syd Fahrdt, owner of Seaweed Tattoo in Delta. “I don’t know what we’re gonna do with all these toothless tattooed people living into their Nineties and more. “The strain on social services is already out of control here,”

Any connection between these discoveries and the well documented attempt by Argentine surgeons to transplant a human ego into a slab of beef have not been established.

– Small Mouth Bess

Martian Web Site Discovered

(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the Viking they did it from a home computer.

     Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.

     “What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”

     The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet which has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything.

     When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.

     “It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.

     Meanwhile sources within the Trump Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “We believe the world to be flat.”

     Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.

     “We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”

     The two boys have been taken into protective custody by government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if its a hoax. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space.

-Muriel Boteliff

GOP Scheme Seeks to Anglicize Southwest

A plan calling for the gradual Anglicization of Southwestern locales with Spanish names appears to have the House stamp of approval.

Called a deterrent to migration, the move has offended almost everyone. A map with the newly named towns and cities is planned for the north side of the wall. The south side of the wall will be left blank for anti-American graffiti that will be added later.

“We have the votes,” said one wealthy senator from the Know Nothings.

“No you don’t,” screamed a Whig, shaking his walking stick in the air.

“Asshole.”

“Asshole.”

Well-known, prominent southwestern cities and towns that might be destined for disruption include Santa Fe, Laredo, San Antonio, Chama, Buena Vista, Palo Alto, Mancos, Cortez, Mesa, Espanola, Del Rio, Dolores, Las Cruces, Reno, Salida, Sierra Vista, El Paso, Albuquerque, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Raton, Rico, Nogales, Escondido, Arroyo Hondo, Casa Grande, San Luis Obispo, Monterrey, San Francisco, Durango, San Luis, Mosca, Corpus Christi, Antonito and Colona. Get it?

Although nothing has been etched in stone, geographic luminaries say Santa Fe would soon be Saint Fred, Los Angeles would be Carbon City and Durango renamed Roseville. Mesa Verde, San Juan and LaPlata are on the moniker chopping block as well but, as one backer of the bill said, “We can only work so fast.”

Moving swiftly but taking note of religious names in place, one wealthy evangelists wants to name all of the towns after Biblical places and a few after himself.

If we use saints we want real American saints,” said Phillip Pharisee of Villa Basura . “

At present many favor renaming the colonial and mission designations after elected officials, military leaders, sacred cows, lobbysists and mega corporations in the United States.

During a Money First enchilada dinner protesters held signs saying, “This land is my land” and “Mi lugar, su camino” They were soon forced from the hall by counter demonstrators who do not spell or speak their own language well.

“Once we get these names corrected we’ll move on the rivers, canyons and mesas…oops I mean “table top mountains”…soon we’ll have the whole place sounding like the real America.”

The bill goes back to the Senate Thursday if the gov’ment stays open.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Carnival Barranquilla, Colombia!

Second largest Carnival in South America begins today in hot, steamy Barranquilla on the Caribbean coast between Santa Marta and Cartagena, Colombia.

ABANDONED SHEEP HAZARDOUS ON SLOPES

(Vail) The growing problem of abandoned sheep in Western Colorado is approaching epidemic proportions according to a filtered statement released by Colorado Ski Country on Thursday. Skiers are warned to beware of the woolly obstacles in areas where snowfall is light. Over 52 collisions have occurred since Christmas.

     Transient ski bums, who often discard their winter pets at the end of the ski season, are being blamed for the conditions. The poor sheep, made stupid by years of cruel breeding, have no other choice than to return to instinctual habitats which provide safety from predators and minimal nourishment in the lean months.

     “Sure, our slopes attract all kinds of animals due to general serenity and the extreme grazing potential,” said E.F. Mutton, a broker employed by the state tourism bureau. “The reality is frightening for mammals of all kinds and dangerous for plants and minerals too.”

     Electric fences have been installed at Crested Butte in an effort to keep the woolies off the slopes and the skiers in bounds. Many of the intrusive animals brandished signs saying Bo Peep-No steep and We’re sheep and we vote!

     “We have a lot of trouble distinguishing the clever sheep from snowboarders,” said one lift operator. “We’ve had meetings and organized night patrols. All we’ve concurred at this time is that the sheep are better mannered.”

     A recent collision at Telluride resulted in an impromptu lamb roast at Gorrono Park while at Monarch a shoot to kill ordinance has been adopted. Ski Dallas has shut its lifts down permanently even though no sheep have been seen within ten miles of the place. Powderhorn, long a sanctuary ski area, did not respond to our herding efforts earlier in the week.

     What is making matters worse down in Montrose is the increase in the price of lamb which tempts poachers from as far away as Pea Green and Hoover’s Corner.

     “The price of a lift ticket doesn’t seem quite as high if one can harvest a few sheep during the day,” stressed Mutton. “We can usually spot trouble early since these kind of skiers carry 22s instead of poles.”

     The authorities agree that it is people who should shoulder the responsibility of avoiding sheep. One innovative ski baron at Purgatory suggested offering the sheep limited discount passes in return for vacating heavy traffic areas and busy weekends. Most resorts have opted for feeding programs in Wyoming and Utah.

– Rex Montaleone

“Off with their heads.” – The Queen of Hearts