RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Amazon Planned to ship displaced to Greenland

(Queens) A plot to relocate thousands of people from a designated neighborhood earmarked for a controversial Amazon headquarters has been unearthed here according to a spokesman for No More Gentrification.

Their destination: The Island of Greenland in the North Atlantic Ocean.

Bosses at Amazon, who have denied all charges, say they have no solution to housing, ethnic and social problems exacerbated by the proposed new facility.

“They figured the city and its residents would jump at all that potential money and all those high-paying jobs,” said the NMG source. “They, like most corporate devils, didn’t look at the ramifications and the human factor.”

Lawyers for Amazon say they will add this recent “libel case” to the already burgeoning stacks of lawsuits related to the now thwarted move. They say they have spent buckets of money on the project and now somebody is going to pay the bill. Libel, fraud, restrictive business practices, anarchy, communism and religious intolerance were alleged with local government and private citizens the targets.

“This Greenland misinformation is totally untrue and would be quite funny if we didn’t have all these quality of life radicals running around,” said one attorney with knowledge on the developments.

– Gabby Haze

Las marmotas crecen mucho más, exhibiendo gusto por la carne

Exhibiendo tendencias espantosas que bordean a los carnívoros, estos comedores borrosos de leguminosas en flor en transición están creciendo más que nunca. Para compensar el extraño crecimiento, estos animales hambrientos pueden necesitar más que semillas e insectos.

Una vez fueron vistos como lindos e inofensivos, insignificantes en un mundo de autos rápidos y derrumbes aún más rápidos. Eran esos herbívoros sin sentido, aunque nunca se calentaron con el nombre.

Las cosas pueden ser muy diferentes pronto.

Los biólogos de Alpine dicen que es un poco más de ese negocio del cambio climático. Más tiempo para comer, menos para dormir debido al clima. Los cazadores de pieles, que lanzan estos golpes en busca de presas, dicen que los animales siempre han albergado un vil resentimiento, pero hasta hace poco eran demasiado pequeños para comer a la gente.

“Mi compañero Jeb quedó atrapado solo en Bostwick Park cuando tres o cuatro de las marmotas lo rodearon. Afortunadamente, Jeb los distrae con espejos y baratijas y luego escapó por la pared sur del Black Canyon “.

“Nunca estuvo tan feliz de ver las brillantes luces de Cimarrón”, exhaló el trampero.

Los líderes cívicos están pidiendo una acción militar ante la creciente amenaza. Dicen que corren el riesgo de ser invadidos en muchas de las aldeas más remotas de las Montañas Rocosas. Muchos ya han llamado a ataques aéreos a sus posiciones que llamaron inseguros y tentadores para el resurgimiento de roedores violentos.

Ya otros depredadores como el zorro, el coyote y el venado han registrado incidentes de acoso escolar, saltos (reclamos) y confiscación de alimentos para verificar sus reclamos.

Los cerdos, una vez lindos y dóciles, eran maravillosos vecinos que se mantenían a sí mismos, correteando entre las rocas, las flores silvestres, el pedregal y la tundra. Han tenido su día en el sol. Ahora quieren su día en el sol, ¿entiendes?

Los científicos temen que cuando los roedores alcancen las 200 libras, la cadena alimentaria se desvíe drásticamente, lo que dejará a los residentes urbanos en riesgo de enfrentamientos violentos en sus hogares o en la calle.

(Continuado en Hard News)

Snow Heart

Maybe good luck or maybe good luck in romance? A heart in the snow in Ouray. Photo by Delinda Austin

 

 

Things not to do while visiting Western Colorado this winter

Welcome visitors. Ski season is peaking out. Here are a few tips on how to get along better with the residents without surrendering impulsivity, dollars or your great sense of humor.

Never order the moose steak. These animals have just recently joined our Rocky Mountain fauna guest list and it would be rude. Try the beef or trout but if you must have wild game tell your waiter to bring you a rack of antelope ribs. We are closing out these flimsy mammals to make room for new merchandise this spring.

Don’t talk about “climate catastrophe” in public. It offends the sleepwalkers. It is also a good idea not to discuss anything that might force these people to think. Leave politics for the bar flies and bench philosophers.

Do not talk about Tommy knockers, cave spirits, Jackalopes, hidden gold or haunted mine shafts. It is a sensitive subject with most of us and does not concern you. Better to talk about the weather, sports or what you’re having for breakfast tomorrow with your green chilies.

Don’t dress up like a cowboy unless you have a horse in tow. If someone challenges you to a gunfight go to your hotel and wait there until the smoke clears. Oversize belt buckles can get you in real trouble if you get too close to the magnetic pull of the Continental Divide.

Cozy up to an ATM machine upon arrival. Always take out the highest amount allowable. It could snow and close the banks. Be sure to locate a pharmacy if you need prescription drugs. With the legalization on marijuana they are soon to be a thing of the past.

Never bitch about the roads. We know they’re bad and we also know about priorities, corruption and the difficulty transporting asphalt over the Great Divide. The roads are better on the Front Range because that’s where the money resides.

When entering a marijuana dispensary be cool and keep it simple. When leaving, don’t linger. Don’t smoke in the car or on the pavement. Pot may be legal but there are regulations and common sense restrictions. Try the cantaloupe stew or the pinto bean poppers when traveling to the pot store. Crime has dropped significantly since using marijuana is no longer a crime.

Don’t approach celebrities. Give them their space and their privacy. That includes self-made celebrities and those who think they are of that cloth. Never listen to the advice of a newcomer. They are just tourists with local post office boxes.

Never say anything like “Well, you can’t eat the scenery” or “Why are there all those deer on the highway at night?” Instead say: “Pass the jalapeños, Roy.”

Be nice, genuinely nice. We have all seen tourists trying to be cool. It’s ugly. Nice will get you everything you need. Relax and enjoy. You could even lie and tell locals how much you enjoy watching CU football. Coloradans are among the happiest people on the continent. Don’t rock the stage coach.

If you’re going for a drink go to the noisy bar not the fern bar. There are 20 rivers whose headwaters begin in Colorado. That makes us very thirsty. Purchase rounds whenever given the chance. Happy hours are worth it and should relive the pressure on the imbiber’s wallet.

Never forget your coat. Just because it’s 50 degrees at 3 o’clock doesn’t mean it will stay at that level. Once outside the bar the outstanding microbrews won’t keep you warm for long.

The sun and altitude won’t hurt you unless you are abusive. Drink lots of water and hold off on the booze for 24 hours after your elevation shift. Wear sunscreen but leave the fur boots and doggie sweaters at home.

Do not wear shirts and caps that say Texas or Oklahoma on them. Most people already know where you came from by the way you speak and do not need constant reminders.

Don’t pet dogs in back of pickups unless you are intimate with the dog.

Always return waves from other motorists on back roads. Take dirt roads over highways and forget the classic four-wheel-drive passes until at least mid-June.

Don’t tailgate. Yes, we know we are throwbacks with one-lane roads everywhere. Honor all stop signs since we can’t afford proper traffic lights. Your SUV is not bulletproof. Don’t drink and drive.

Never preface a sentence with “Back in (Moline) where I come from we…” Remember that one third of the state is owned and managed by the Feds. If someone asks your opinion on that just order more green chilies and a Coors.

Remember: The actions of these hick cops will stand up in court when you get back to civilization.

Fenian Cell Takes Issue with Fighting Irish

(Cork) Much like other sports franchises and academic entities the University of Notre Dame is now under the gun with the Fenians who claim that the school slogan, “Fighting Irish” is derogatory and racist.

Following the lead of many universities and high school that have changed their names from Native American references and ethnic labels the Fenians are demanding that the long established Catholic university soften its approach to athletics.

“The Fighting Irish term makes us all look like brawlers and rowdies,” said Patrick Patrick O’Healy of Queens, New York. “They don’t pay much attention to this indictment flung to the heavens by our detractors and competitors in America. It’s an Irish-American thing.”

Whether or not the University will take the challenge seriously was not clear at press time. It may all have to do with public opinion. While pro sports teams must adhere to the bottom line, most schools simply must deal with alumni and regulations imposed by such groups as the NCAA. That bottom line is often blurred.

“If Notre Dame doesn’t come around we’ll go to South Bend and box ‘em in the gob,” said O’Healy.

Is tuisce deoch na sceat. Fag an bealach! (A story requires a drink. Clear the way!)

Summer will return say meteorologists

No matter what it feels like in February, summer will make its’ annual descent on the Rockies starting May 25 this year. On that day the temperature will reach 83 degrees at about 2:17 in the afternoon. The popular season is expected to stick around until October 16 accentuated by the repeated dustings of snow in the high country.