RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Saguache, Uncompahgre isolated in alien codebook

The Four Corners Department of Spacemen and Strange Visitors has issued a warning for Saguache County and the Uncompahgre Valley after intercepting coded messages from outer space. The hacked correspondence references these specific places in Colorado seemingly using them as poles, landing zones or even assault points.

“We are no more than Belgium in 1914 and 1940,” dramatized a bitter Lake City resident. Our two arrogant neighbors get all the press and we sit here with more landing zones than a three-legged sky diver.”

The decoded message has emerged as a coherent document from a crowded agenda of infantile babbling to power point plotting to jigsaw cross-referencing over the past 10 years. The clear reference to more remote locales on the planet suggests that potential visits from space personnel are not far off.

“Maybe they can make some sense of this mess,” said a Saguache cattleman. “Even the cows don’t know what’s expected of them and that isn’t much,” he spat.

– Dolores Felicidad

Rose Hall Bid Hacked by Russians

(Cooperstown)  The continued exclusion of Pete Rose from the Baseball Hall of Fame is the result of intrusions by Russian robots that don’t know right field from the batting cage.

Supporters of Rose, arguably the best player ever to play the game, insist that there must be an evil, alien force behind the dirt that comes up on Rose every time there is another examination of his worthiness. The purposeful interference in baseball supersedes the alleged Russian collusion within the Trump Administration since baseball is hallowed and American politics are lewd and indecent.

“How else could the committee continue to blackball Rose?” asked a fan from across the river at Covington. “We’re not looking for him to get in the hall for his broadcasting talent or his personal charm but only as Charley Hustle.”

Purists insist that the Cincinnati Reds had nothing to do with the past snubs and that the similarity of names is coincidental.

“We were the Reds in 1869,” said one Rose aficionado. “Karl Marx didn’t make it to the big leagues until 1867 and Lenin failed to make an impact until 1905. Neither could hit the curve ball but did quite well in other arenas.”

– Tar Sands

HEDGE FUND THREATENS POCONOS

Hedge Funds in Northeastern Appalachians, circa 2018

(Pee Wee, West Virginia) A massive hedge fund is moving toward Pennsylvania this morning, swallowing up everything in its path. Leaving a wake of devastated flora and fauna as well as smoldering forests, the growing hedge fund is expected to engulf the Delaware Water Gap by nightfall. After that the Cranberry Bogs of Roscarberry are at risk.

Seismologists here detected an ominous tectonic plate shift as far away as Trout Run back in May but were instructed to keep the information top secret until the gov’ment could establish half-truths and potential alibis as to its role in the certain disaster.

Spreading its gooey, quicksand muck across an already desperate landscape the high-risk assailant is living on borrowed time. However, after three weeks it has not slowed its demonic, methodical march to the Ohio Valley and beyond.

Victims of roving hedge funds await rescue near Hershey

Even classic survivors like rats and roaches have met their maker moments after the deluge covered everything in slime and hedge silt. There is no antidote for the horrid reality of succumbing to the sludge. As insane as it may sound, surfers have congregated near the source of the hedge fund hoping to catch a wave like no other since the dawn of

(For more turn to Wall Street In Chains on Soft News)

In Other News: 67% of Americans void of lifestyle says Census Bureau.

La disfunción eréctil sube un 37% desde enero

(Washington) A pesar de todo el machismo, la nación está llena de amantes ineptos, dicen los investigadores de la Clínica Mao. Admitiendo que no habían vinculado datos que vinculen la edad con la ingesta de alcohol y las preferencias de sexo festivo o los afectos después de la cena con las acrobacias de The Martini, los fervientes partidarios del estudio dicen que esto es sólo la punta del iceberg.

“La situación surgió justo cuando nuestro actual líder pagó por tener relaciones sexuales y luego mintió sobre sus escapadas”, dijo un físico conductista residente cedido por el Cal Polygamy Institute en Toronto.

“No podemos determinar claramente qué podría generar esa avenida oscura cuando se lanza como alimento de paloma a una población masculina ya conmocionada. Cuando las personas aceptan fácilmente lo que siempre ha sido un comportamiento inmoral como comportamiento normal, renuncian a una parte de sí mismos “.

La Dra. Grace Ballgame teme que la situación empeore día a día. Ella advierte de la negación desenfrenada, la aceptación de la sociedad de estimulantes extraños, la culpa, el egoísmo, las expectativas y la copia impresa del porno de la computadora.

“Toda la fanfarronada falsa que vomita desde el pozo del infierno está sacudiendo la base misma de lo que significa ser un hombre funcional”, continuó.

“Reemplazar el amor por la lujuria es como reemplazar el patriotismo con lemas y patrioterismo. Incluso estas personas saben la diferencia. Solo quieren echarle la culpa a alguien dentro y fuera de la habitación “.

Los detractores de este y otros estudios dicen que es simplemente una coincidencia que las cifras subieron tan dramáticamente en enero junto con las débiles amenazas sin fundamento de la Casa Blanca dirigidas a minorías, extranjeros, aliados tradicionales, liberales, periodistas, demócratas, China, Canadá y sindicatos . Las fuentes dentro de la Casa Blanca decidieron no hacer comentarios sobre el análisis inquietante.

– Gabby Haze

TOOL QUITS JOURNALISM

(Manana) Award winning associate editor, Melvin Toole, has resigned from his lucrative position at the San Juan Horseshoe effective Friday. He will pursue a career in professional rodeo. Recent successes at bull riding and calf roping seem to have convinced the scribe to change jobs.

Toole has been on a sabbatical since May and has been earning extra money playing the accordion outside Coors Field at Rockies games. He became an overnight rodeo fanatic after a torrid love affair with Trudy Belle Lorenzo, Hall of Fame barrel racer and dry land wheat farmer from lavish East Colona.

Toole plans to throw his hat into the professional rodeo ring next spring.

“I’ve watched a lot of rodeo on TV,” said the 82-year old Tool who gained national notoriety in 1979 when he bravely crossed the Black Canyon of the Gunnison with a pair of hastily constructed wax wings. Later in 1987 he became the only white man to have successfully negotiated the San Miguel River from Shamrock Mines to Vanadium while totally emerged in a ramshackle oak whiskey barrel and without the aid of artificial breathing apparatus. Last year Tool thrilled Montrose County Fair participants as he scaled Friendship Hall, again in a barrel and without the aid of a net.

Sporting bumper stickers which read: “Better dead than deadlines” and “Bull riders are my type” the former journalist kissed his desk goodbye and drove off into the sunset accompanied by his dog “Rollo” and a bucket of fried chicken wings.

 – Uncle Pahgre

When Lulu Belle Hit Town

For all the world’s attention

She picked a tumble-down

old village off the road maps

when Lulu Belle hit town.

The boys all paid attention

to her beauty tightly wound.

She lingered near their wallets

when Lulu Belle hit town.

Long winter landscape dreaming

stimulation for the clown

then up the ante once again

since Lulu Belle hit town.

How could she be so heartless?

How could she let them down?

Hot love affairs soared high, then crashed

When Lulu Belle hit town.

She never made a promise

She only hung around

The men folk did the rest of it

When Lulu Belle hit town.

And broken hearted acres

of tears and chronic frown

left hayseeds crying in their beer

When Lulu Belle left town.

– Kevin Haley