RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Pharisee to speak

(Montrose) Right-wing spiritual war monger, the Rev. Phil Pharisee of the Temple of Self-Absorption and Tantric Plumbing, will address the piercing question: Does God Have a Cell Phone? on Friday night at the Armageddon Bingo Hall on East Main. Parking is free for the first 300 through the door. Hard facts and cold cuts will be served. Bring a covered fish.

Jails To Be Emptied for Cattlemens’ Days

(Gunnison) Prisoners currently incarcerated at Gunnison city and county jails will be released as part of a general amnesty celebrating the 118th Annual Cattlemen’s Days Rodeo. The shackled will be expected to report back to jail at the close of ceremonies on July 12 – 15.

It is hoped that this benevolent gesture might convince anarchist guerrillas hiding in the mountains to let go some 200 hostages taken during the siege of the Marshal Pass Armory in April.

“We don’t know yet if the emancipation will include political prisoners or if this is actually the beginning of a general amnesty,” said one officer. “Details are expected to be made clear at a press conference tomorrow.

Meanwhile guerrilla leaders have announced a massive fish fry on the eve of further negotiations aimed at ending their 40-year stalemate with the State. Opponents say the guerrillas possess no current fishing licenses and may have employed slave labor to secure the mighty catch. Although no exact time or location for the feed has been established, the public is cordially invited.

Prisoners failing to return to the confinement facility on the date imposed will miss the monthly taco night and could be deemed ineligible for parole until 2026.


Bone Crushing Plant Spoils Dump View For Newlyweds

(Tomichi Creek) In a post-nuptial action a recently married couple has filed $2.3 million damage suit claiming that the construction of a new bone crushing plant has spoiled their view of the county landfill.

Mel and Belle Toolini, sagebrush researchers attached to the local extension service, contend that height restrictions and visual impact regulations were not adhered to by Cornwell, Marrow and Herd, an international bone crushing concern headquartered in Gillette, Wyoming. The firm specializes in landfill down-sizing and assorted hostile takeovers.

“We fully understand that the area desperately needs bone crushing facilities but not right out our picture window,” said Belle. “Wouldn’t it be easier to conduct their crushing operations at a single-story capacity? They don’t need upstairs executive offices and an employee lounge. What’s wrong with a small trailer, a cooler and a horseshoe pit like other companies use?”

 In a show of support over 400 local families have sent cookies and cake to the newlyweds. One even sent a pot roast.

“We’d like to thank everyone for their gifts but sooner or later one of us is going to have to learn how to cook,” teased Mel.

Maybe not. If the plaintiffs are successful the plant will have to conform to county building codes. However, if their attempts fall short it will be curtains for their view, which they say is the main motivation they bought the property in the first place.

In the event that they lose the case, Cornwell, Marrow and Herd has threatened to pull up stakes and relocate to a spot upwind from the Montrose Dump where tax enticements flourish and more liberal deed restrictions apply.     

– compiled by Sir Otis of Liver


Tar, feathers feel heavy affects of trade war

Both imported tar and foreign feathers have jumped ahead of steel and aluminum on the Doomsday Machiavellian Chart according to a published report released today. The two distinct commodities, often linked due to dark symbiotic capabilities, were ranked as number one and two by leading  economists desperately hoping to make sense of new fiscal imbalances among the world’s 15 largest wealth sources.

The constant shifting of traditional markets, as well as the certain fallout from aggressive dismantling of primary systems has pressed experts to seek a more binding predictions for what is heading for a global nightmare.

“We understand imbalance of trade, precocious tariffs and the desire to curtail runaway inflation in emerging nations,” said Professor Lester Fluffe, of the Susan B. Anthony School of Statistics. “We see the planet is one big garden producing just enough to feed everyone. Then we see unaware nibblers chewing on the fringes. Soon there is not enough. Is government a profit and loss venture?”

Fluffe joined a quorum of scientists and mathematicians who warn that whatever goes up must come down. They say raising import taxes on one end will simply result in an equal or greater adjustment at the other ended, aside from bruised feelings, the golden arrangement will remain much the same.

“There is a simple formula for coexistence in a world teetering on imbalance,” explained bank examiner, Dr. Barb Raile, author of Hoover and Coolidge in the Dust Bowl. “That is consistency. Even the most elementary structure cannot withstand the constant barrage of the anti-intellectual or the know nothing.”

Both academics went on to say that the idea of a trade embargo would do little to reset the money flow since every reaction must be countered and every stab in the back plugged up in the field.

“Weapons in the hands of the mad or uneducated often take on minds of their own,” said Fluffe, who stopped short of identifying leaders generating these trade restrictions.

Meanwhile the current resident of the White House continues to talk about building walls, arming teachers, cutting social programs and the extraction of fossil fuels from formerly protected areas.

“It seems a bit ironic that the very elements adversely affected by one action are often a common component of a larger and more definitive reaction,” frowned Raile, not bending when exhorted to reveal her sources or her targets.

– Alfalfa Romero

“Gradually I came to realize that people will more readily swallow lies than the truth as if the taste

of lies was homey appetizing: a habit.”

    – Martha Gelhorn, war correspondent (1908 – 1998)

La escalera mecánica encantada del aeropuerto envía a los pasajeros que vuelan

(Colona) La única escalera mecánica conocida del condado fue “destruida” durante la hora punta el viernes, enviando a pasajeros desprevenidos que volaban y su equipaje suspendido en el fino aire de la montaña.

El incidente, atribuido a la piratería de venganzas por parte de técnicos en informática en huelga en el Aeropuerto Internacional de Colona, ​​resultó en sorprendentemente pocas lesiones pero retrasó las salidas de vuelo en tres horas. El vuelo nocturno de la fiesta a Nucla fue castigado con la carga completa de pasajeros redirigida a Naturita.

Los bomberos rescataron a un viajero colgado de una viga de vigas de madera falsa, mientras que una familia de Durango tuvo que ser rescatada de un puesto de control de seguridad dañado que de alguna manera se había inundado durante el percance.

De acuerdo con los ciberdelincuentes que se encontraban en la escena, el mecanismo que fluía se detuvo bruscamente, luego se agrietó, giró, gimió, se inclinó y saltó, arrojando a los viajeros por los aires.      “Fue todo un espectáculo”, dijo un vaquero jubilado que comparó la experiencia con un toro loco y mecanizado que enloqueció.

Los expertos de Federal Aviation fueron despachados rápidamente para observar el desorden de la banda de rodadura enredada y los escalones de la escalera mecánica inconexa. Ninguna de estas personas se sentía cómoda inhabilitando escaleras mecánicas deshonestas y se fue a almorzar.

Varios dijeron a The Horseshoe que el desastre había sido causado por vacas locales pisoteando la infraestructura de ciber óptica. Prometieron instalar un radar de advertencia de fibra coaxial en un intento de ser más astuto que el elemento bovino.

Los lectores pueden recordar un incidente similar en 2016 cuando la fuente principal del mezzanine del aeropuerto se enchufaba y explotaba, enviando aspersores de alta presión y escombros hasta la ciudad. Después de una investigación exhaustiva, quedó claro que alguien había tirado varios rollos de papel higiénico en lo que se clasificó como un crimen de odio no terrorista.

La instalación aeronáutica se cerrará hasta que la escalera mecánica esté deshuesada, desprogramada y pacificada. Se insta a los peatones a subir las escaleras hasta nuevo aviso.       – Gerry Mander

Hormone Spill Closes Stream of Consciousness

(Montrose) A massive hormone spill caused in part by concentrated high school graduation exercises has closed the Stream of Consciousness at least until next week. Civil engineers currently working around the clock to unclog and free up the waterway say they are making progress but the shear impact from hormonal tissue is tough to control.

“We get one current going the right way and before we know it there’s another emotional outburst or pubescent rip tides and we’re back where we started,” said one worker on the site.

The Army Corps of Engineers has considered calling in air strikes or dynamiting shallow areas but at present only shovels and one dredging machine are hard at it.

“I don’t see why all these hormones are so active now,” said the worker. “Maybe it’s spring fever.”

The State of Colorado was quick to reassure fishermen that the spill did not endanger fish and that the matter would be cleared up long before the Memorial Day Weekend.

“We may have some sensitive fish,” said one DOW spokesperson, “but everything should be back to normal soon. “I myself have never seen a trout with zits.”

The San Juan Horseshoe: Cautiously Optimistic since 1977

Iguana Soup Recipe

After countless requests we have finally secured the authentic recipe for IGUANA SOUP, heralded in many parts of Central America as the ultimate hangover cure. Read on…

Take one regular size deceased iguana (skinned) and prepare in accordance with NAFTA specifications regarding birds and lizardry. Remove tail and set aside. Boil iguana on high for about an hour until it shrinks approximately 20%. Retain water. Add yucca, spuds, maize (if you can’t find maize use household corn), onion, garlic, jalapeno peppers and passion fruit seeds. Place animal back in pot and simmer for about three hours until meat falls from bone. Garnish with tail. Serve in brandy snifters or mate gourds. Enjoy.