RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Ping Pong Ball Industry Faces More Lay-offs

(Denver) The already hard-pressed ping-pong ball industry has announced further lay-offs due in part to lagging sales. Experts within the multi-million dollar trade say the slow-down is a result of consumer fears.

“Every time some writer or politician mentions the word recession we lose another sale,” said Pauline Paddled of the International Brotherhood of Ping Pong Ball Workers. “I wish they’d just shut the hell up!”

Leading financiers agree that an economy based on mindless production of worthless goods can do just as well in bad times as in good times. They add that fiscal strengths and weaknesses are all relative to what the consumer believes that he has been fed. Meanwhile the gov’ment continues to urge people to buy things they don’t need just to prop up the invisible economy.

The ping pong people say that they will have to cut jobs through 2025 unless the public decides to play ball.

Rasta Charter Pulled

(Telluride) The National Association of Rastamen has terminated the charter of the local Rasta tribe on the grounds of racial conflict. Historically the religion, which considers the late King Haile Selassie to have been a deity, has also been Black. In addition the philosophy that has emerged is dotted with reference to white devils and a serious distrust for Western Europeanism.

“We found out that our pseudo-tribe in Telluride were a bunch of rich white kids trying to be radical. Silly, huh? We pulled the charter. It’s cut and dry. No discussion,” he stressed.

On another matter: Sources here warn that creeping socialism seeks to level the playing field and give everyone an equal chance at success from birth. Many wealthy Americans in privileged ski environs don’t grasp the fact that they too would lose leverage and elite status resulting in a breakdown in the local pecking order and eventual chaos, even inside bubbles.

-Patty Dread

Singer Hits Big Time in Food Rock Circles

(Crashville TN) With the release of Sophia Quacksalver’s newest single “Twenty-four Hours From Salsa” we witness the emergence of yet another great singer from within the ranks of the Food Rock phenomenon. Taking its lead from the successes of Christian Rock and closely following the formula country scene, food rock is a category of music of which little was known, or heard from, until just a few years ago.

Quacksalver on stage with one of her three twin sisters in 2018.

Quacksalver’s first hit “Bad at 30,000 Feet Is Still Bad, Baby” is a frank, examination of the airline food fiasco, sold over a million copies the first week before it tailed off due to limited attention spans. Her rendition of the Spam Cook classic “That’s the Sound of the Men Working on the Food Chain” followed up in rare style outselling “Bad 30,000″” and making a place for her on the Grand Ol’ Feed Bag and a host of TV talk shows. Then in 2001 her smash recording of “Johnny Vegetable” followed up by a new CD entitled “Don’t Worry – Eat Croppie” landed her dead center stage at the produce stand.

Once a backup singer at a roller-skating rink, Quacksalver appears in public wearing her trademark chef’s hat and whites although she admits she has never been in a kitchen.

“I made a box of macaroni and cheese once,” she smiled, exposing a mouthful of teeth that resembled ancient asparagus spears. “Hell, Country Music is chucked full of drugstore cowboys who are probably scared of horses and Christian rock…well let’s just say the Good Lord helps those who learn guitar and have exaggerated hygiene.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Please be careful setting rodent traps this fall

Figure 1. A mess in the morning

It’s that time of the year where rodents are looking for a place to hang for the winter. They come in through crawl spaces, unused drains and doorways. They chew through wood enclosures and nest in insulation.

We all want to be rid of these pests before they invite all their cousins to the winter soiree. That’s where traps come in. Although not the most humane (drowning or freezing are said to be less harsh) the traps are effective. Rural residents in Western Colorado report maximum catches most mornings in November and December each year.

Figure 2. Tragedy can be averted

No one is condemning the use of this build a better technology. We just ask that you be careful of who and what you might catch. (figure 1). Sure, one could say these blue people were trespassing and got what they deserved but c’mon. They are none too bright but don’t deserve this horrible fate, akin to the guillotine in their eyes. (Figure 2)

The Make My Smurf Law is nothing more than draconian policy and should be abandoned at next opportunity. Tragedies can be averted even though everyone enjoys a good slug of peanut butter or a hunk of cheese as a midnight snack.

Imagine a young child discovering a snapped trap in the morning with a cute little Smurf drawn and quartered. What irreparable damage occurs? Will the child carry this trauma for a lifetime?

Quite candidly, we did not even realize that these Smurfs were still on the pecking order. In our ignorance we were led to believe that they were extinct or at least on the endangered list.

– Dag Katz

Call 800-MouseTrap on your Smart Phone before you engage killing device

Campaign Litter Taxing Landfills

(Montrose) Mounds of discarded campaign litter have journeyed to local landfills causing a nightmare for workers there. The litter, comprised of signs, banners, buttons and bumper stickers started arriving the day after the off-year election and, according to dump sources, has not let up.

At first it looked like the normal mini-election year but this time around there’s a different feel about it from dump workers to management. Tonnage is way up although estimates of actual gross weight delivery are difficult to determine since the new trash mixes quickly with existing, non-partisan trash.

One particularly offensive pickup load; mounds of campaign literature covered in fresh manure, green chili skins and rotting pumpkins, fertilized some imaginations here.

“We didn’t know if it were just a coincidence that the elements were traveling together or if someone was trying to make yet another political statement,” laughed one worker.

Landfill crews hope to get the situation under control here before the onslaught of Christmas garbage reaches their gates in late December.

– Pepper Salte

Beware of dawg?

This dapper fellow has decided to spend the rest of hunting season in my fenced yard in Colona. Security has never been better. He even runs off stray cats and an odd raccoon or two.    (Pepper Salte Photo)