RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Do Rios Golf Club – 18 Holes of Summer Heaven

Al, Brian and Dylan welcome you to Dos Rios Golf Club in Gunnison, a beautiful, challenging course on the river. Great people, great food and great weather. Call 970-641-1482 for a tee time.

Missing Link Eludes Police in Archetypal Fashion

“He’s always known too much but now he’s got money – We see a clear and present threat to the peace of the nation”  – Ferne Dingle, Manana County Sheriff

After several daytime sightings followed by fruitless searches near the Ridgway Reservoir police are combing Log Hill and Buckhorn in hopes of cornering the elusive Missing Link before he makes it the Badlands of Utah and his legendary Fry Canyon stronghold.

News that the Missing Link’s Net Worth is Over 6.5 million has raised a few eyebrows this week and given authorities cause for concern since he was only recently destitute and reliance on friends for handouts was the rule of the day.

Endorsements, speaking engagements, sales of memorabilia and autographs as well as interest-bearing foundations, tax-free religion, tea dance premiums and kickbacks from several country and western artists have left the Link quite wealthy in human terms.

Tourists hiking near Griffith Gardens on Log Hill Mesa recently spotted what they called “a flimsy-looking, shadow-like male primate” 4 miles up from the clachan of Colona. Police and olive units arrived in moments hoping for surprise in their attempts to take the suspect into custody.

Authorities believe The Link has been loitering around Wildcat Creek in the vicinity of Colona where it is further believed he has a secret consort of the female persuasion. Whether the lover came along after he money or before was not clear at press time.

“If the link spills the beans even the mentally challenged among us will see things much more clearly and realize what’s been going on here.” said one former Colorado senator. “You think the judicial system is a farce now? Just wait.”

Later in the day when pressed the top investigator would not say exactly why they were tracking The Link or what the suspect had done to merit all the chaos.

“He ain’t an immigrant. He ain’t a terrorist. He ain’t even one of those progressives,” said one deputy. “I’ve been out on more than 20 of these Missing Link chases and I’ve yet to glimpse what they call hybrid prey.

When further pressed, both peace officers averted their eyes to the nearby horizon, monkeying with binoculars, adjusted their badges and ignored further journalistic excursions from baby journalists practicing their breast-stroke in these troubled waters.

– Pepper Salte

 

Russian Robots Laying Mag Chloride

Teams of Russian robots, dressed like county highway workers are coating local roads with magnesium chloride in a vain attempt to thwart US elections in November of 2020.

Ballot box stooges confirmed that the Bots are in country and busily building networks and cells aimed at derailing the shadows of democracy still left in the country.

Will He Hack Elections in November? Photos secretly shot through a telex-burger lens show aliens like the one above dressed as highway workers along remote desert highways and shady lanes on the wrong side of the Tar Baby. Unsuspecting motorists are often swallowed up by the goo, sucked into the landscape and never heard from again.

“These are not your run-of-the-mill Russian robots,” said Clarabelle Ptarmigan, a grizzled uranium cork-and- grinder who lives along Highway 90 near the divide Road on the Uncompahgre Plateau.

“These are zombies. They have been lobotomized in Russia and sent here to disrupt our national infrastructure. They stare at passing motorists with a blank look, deprived of any real human contact,” she stressed. “They stare at trees. They stare at rocks for hours on end.”

Also called Make America Great Chloride, the chemical is used to keep dust levels down to the detriment of roadside trees and automotive vehicles that suffer almost immediate rust-like damage when caked with the it.

“The mag-chloride is only a diversion to keep us distracted while the vile business of computer hacking and social division goes on,” said Ptarmigan.

Desfile de mascotas

con el Dr. Efram Pennywhistle Jr, DVM, LSMFT.

¿CUÁNDO DEBE COMENZAR EL KITTY?

Si lo he escuchado una vez, lo he escuchado dos veces … Dr. Efram: ¿Cuándo debería permitirse a mi gato salir con alguien? Bueno, esa es una buena pregunta, cuya composición está dentro de la composición del felino individual. Algunos gatos son maduros a los dos o tres. Otros ya se han mostrado irresponsables en ese momento. Una tal señorita que vivió en nuestro vecindario produjo 15 litros antes de que ella incluso tuviera su licencia de conducir. Qué puta.

Si el gato de una familia ha sido educado adecuadamente y tiene la capacidad de distinguir entre el bien y el mal, debería poder confiar en una cita con un Tom en la adolescencia. Nunca empuje gatito en la escena social sin embargo. Controle el comportamiento en este documento mientras se encuentra en una excursión y pida a un veterinario local que revise el Tom.

Cuando el gato de mi hermana comenzó a salir con mi cuñado, Salvador, se ofreció a llevar a los felinos al cine. Esto estaba funcionando bien hasta que Sal obtuvo su tercer DUI y perdió su licencia. Ahora los mismos gatitos toman el autobús o caminan y logran visitar a su conductor / benefactor en la lata los martes y jueves. Eso muestra algo.

En dilemas potenciales es imperativo mantener la cabeza despejada. La confianza es la palabra clave. La forma en que tratamos a una mascota en el desplazamiento a menudo determina los rasgos de personalidad. Si todo esto es demasiado científico para algunos de ustedes, simplemente esterilicen al animal. Este ha sido el Dr. Efram Pennywhistle para Pet Parade.

LA PRÓXIMA VEZ: Los Tomcats, como todos los machos de cualquier especie, tienen una sola cosa en sus mentes dementes. Te enseñaremos a cortarlos de raíz en el garaje. ¡Hasta entonces!

– Dolores Alegria

 

Ghost Towns Report Vacancies For Fall

(Lake City) Many Western Colorado Ghost Towns are reporting an upsurge in hotel and lodging availability for the fall season. Why there are glaring vacancies in this so popular land is anyone’s guess. Experts focus on remoteness, transportation, social support and comforts in their appraisals, which fall painfully short of preparing the novice for a night of solitude and natural beauty.

A trek to Dallas, Piedra, Baldwin, Cathedral or Capitol City be advised that late snows have interfaced with early snows and mud holes are a menace in the dark timber passageways that lead to each municipality.

Probably the best time to visit Gladstone, Henson, Tincup, Needleton and Duncan is early October due to the presence of aggressive moose in these vicinities and bothersome alpine rodents gnawing on automotive hoses in August and September.

If you’re waiting for the Welcome Wagon you’re out of luck in Howardsville (Bullion City), Eureka, Sneffels, Bedrock, Texas Gulch, Thistletown, Paradox, Maher, Coventry and Eldredge where it’s BYO all the way. Take your choice of dilapidated shacks and tie up your horse at one of a variety of dry saloons (Some with pictures still on the walls)

The abandoned burghs of Portland, Animas, Gothic, Ashcroft, Crystal, Uravan, Sapinero, Marble, Liberty, Lenado, Somerset and Middleton may not be so empty in the summer and fall months. We suggest a visit in winter and spring but bring blankets and warm clothing. A few of the shaky skeletons of shacks still have crude wood stoves but drinking water can be an issue.

That leaves my personal favorites: Yellow Jacket, Pittsburg, Ironton, Cahone and Slippery Rock that were major producers of silver in the 1880s.

Lock your doors for mountain lions.

Watch out for nosey bears.

Have a bonfire “middle of the street” you like.

Ain’t nobody cares.

– Uncle Pahgre.

For more up-to-date info see

www.sanjuanhorseshoe.com

NEW TRAIL SHOE INCLUDES SCOOPER

(Crested Butte) The newly released Nike Air Crested Butte trail running shoe is outfitted with an Al Gore Liner, an aerosol cushioning system and advanced traction. It also has an innovative, built-in pooper scooper for use by the orderly, altruistic mountain runner.

Developers of the shoe felt that since they were marketing it in alpine areas the design and use should reflect year-round mountain living.

“If there’s anything year-round about this place it’s dog tailings, as canine road and meadow muffins are often called locally, said one marketing agent from the big city. “We just hope all this publicity doesn’t bring more dogs to Crested Butte.”

The pooper scoop is reportedly built directly into the bottom of the shoe. It attracts the less than desirable substance then stores it for up to 24-hours before aroma comes into play. The subtle and environmentally sound addition is not visible nor will it influence the runner’s performance. In addition, it will not adversely effect the health of other animals, including deer and elk.

“Sure, we’ve seen lots of shoes that will effectively pick up poop but they’re not the answer since the stuff falls off at will, often at inappropriate intervals,” said a local source. “This product does it all and terminates the need for high altitude athletes to keep their eyes on the ground.”

A spokesman for Nike had no comment when asked to elaborate on reputed plans to create a soft-soled yuppie vacuum loafer for 2020.

– Warren of Wexley