RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Man Beaten in Handicapped Space

(Shangri-La Village) An elderly man was hospitalized early this morning after illegally parking in a space reserved for the handicapped. The incident took place outside of Onfre’s Gumbo Shack on Highway 1, better known as Celebrity Way.

According to eyewitnesses, a man identified as Ronald “Rev. Bob” Schlitz of Silverton, in an effort to avoid inclement weather, parked in the most convenient space available, before wandering in for two whole-wheat pancakes and a glass of pomegranate juice, his daily routine.

He later claimed that due to poor visibility he did not record the infraction or was in any way aware of his unlawful behavior.

Moments after leaving his car he was, according to the same witnesses, accosted by three angry men, one in a state-of-the-art wheel chair. The other two boasted such battle trophies as am eye patch, and a large blackthorn cane. The trio reportedly struck Schlitz several times, knocking him to the pavement. Later they kicked the man breaking his glasses, his arm and tearing his London Fog raincoat.

And if that wasn’t enough, they encouraged passersby to join in the fracas by retelling the story of Schlitz’s shameful deed. Moments before police arrived on the scene one man drove over the victim in his golf cart, warning Schlitz that “The parking space is exclusively for the handicapped!”

Schlitz was ticketed for parking in a restricted priority zone and is currently resting at St Roscoe’s Hospital at Pea Green.

According to doctors, he is expected to be released within a few days. Due to injuries received in the incident he is now classified as legally blind and 70% disabled, a status that will entitle him to park his car in spaces reserved for the handicapped in the future.

– Dag Katz

Pompeii residents no beauties

The male and female residents of Pompeii were actually uglier than imagined, according to bones recently unearthed from the ruins of the city buried in A.D. 79 by a volcanic eruption of Mount Vesuvius. For centuries the legend existed that the people, especially the women of Pompeii, were classical beauties.

“Hey, why is everyone making such a big deal out of a bunch of bones?” asked Dr. Melvin Toolini of the Italian-American Protection League. “Consider for a moment,” stressed Toolini, “that these primitive people had no sun screen and no skin conditioners. Add to that the fact that they had just been covered up by scalding lava, accompanied by all sorts of rock and other debris. Do you know what that can do to one’s complexion alone?”

Toolini went on to point out that after all this abuse the victims laid around underground for almost 2,000 years.

“What did my colleagues hope to find,” quizzed Toolini, gesturing to a mob of anthropologists assembled at the main digs, “the ultimate prom queen?”

Toolini has published an extended study that suggests that anyone who had undergone such a trauma would look like hell by now, but that despite their state of decomposition still might look good to out-of-state hunters at closing time.

“Ain’t no man can avoid being born average but ain’t no man gotta be common.”

– Satchel Paige

Toddler’s Triumph!


(Ouray) The bear came over the mountain. Then another, and more. Soon, as the autumn whitewashed the San Juans, that garbage bins, dog food dishes and apple trees were the main attraction. An evening walk would likely result in a sighting of another hungry, generally docile, beast on his way to dinner. Residents wondered when and if the animals would ever go to sleep.

Take a walk on the wild side…After dark in the alleys of Ouray one is more likely to see a bear than another human, well almost. In an attempt to review these occurrences we have collected some of the more colorful accounts of the season.

Let us appreciate and not judge the mighty bear. You try feeding a family of porky 300-pounders on roots and berries.

“At just about dark on September 23 I went out to check on a splashing sound in my hot tub only to discover a large bear soaking. I went back into the house for my camera but when I returned he had vacated the premises. I only hoped he had not gone into the woods to recruit more hairy party animals. All he left behind was a badly worn towel.”

– W. Sammy Carpe, Whispering Pines

“At just about dusk on a Friday night in late September my wife, Gwen, and I were grilling and sipping on our fourth and final gin and bitters when a small cub wandered right into the yard and pushed over the Weber. Before I could day Jack Spratt he gobbled up two tenderloins and was off. Fortunately he didn’t get the Yorkshire pudding, or our pet Yorkie for that matter. Nonetheless dinner was ruined, Duckett’s had closed and we were forced to subsist on head cheese till morning.”

– Colonel Abshite Pitt, 6th Grenadiers, 2nd Street, Ouray

“It was the middle of the night. I heard a crash in the kitchen. When I got up I saw a large hairy beast at the sink eating salami. I figured it was my husband, Earl, in his black silk karate robe. I went back to sleep. In the morning I awoke to quite a mess and remembered that Earl had been away on business in Colona the previous evening. What an experience!”

– Madalaine Crab-Leggit, Dexter Creek

“It was almost dawn on October 2. I went out for my daily ritual of checking my marijuana plants only to find a mature male bear eating them. I clanged a few pans together to scare him off but only when I fired off my sidearm did him scram. The damage was done. It looks like I’ll have to survive on cheap whiskey all winter.”

– Gloria Minske, no address given.

“It was broad daylight. I was on my way out of the post office when three adolescent bears approached me demanding spare change. Looking around I realized I had no backup so I handed each of them a dollar. Later I received an unfair lecture from the game warden. Three bucks is better than the alternative.”

– Walter Gold Elochs, Camp Bird Road

“I had been to the dinner at a friends’ one night and decided not to drive home. I went to lock my pickup only to discover a sow sitting behind the wheel. I just kept walking, making a mental note to stay off the Campari and to roll up the windows of my truck from now on.”

– Sly Kodiak, 6th Avenue, Ouray

These eyewitness chronicles represent only a fraction of the bear sightings in Ouray this fall. Do you have one to share? E-Mail us at

Nostradamus Saw Short Skirts, Bottled Water Craze

(St.-Remy, France) Way back in the 1550s Michel de Notredame, better known as Nostradamus clearly predicted skirt lengths, computers and the bottled water craze. Although many suggest that his forecasts were vague and open to a variety of interpretations most experts cannot deny his precise prognosis of 21st Century cultural phenomenon.

Written off by some as a simple soothsayer whose obscure presumptions were made more to entertain the French court of Charles IX than to augur the future, the prophesies of Nostradamus continue to surface, delighting some and confusing others.

According to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the infrequently prestigious Cal Amari Institute Nostradamus was a run-of-the-mill astrologer and rogue physician willing to write prescriptions at the drop of a hat.

“His only real talent seems to have been the ability to be weird,” said Pennywhistle. “He would enter a room trance like and begin speaking as if from another soul making ambiguous, often insolent predictions about the death of kings or the success of future grape harvests. Many people bought his program just like they do today. I’m not saying it was an act,” continued Pennywhistle. “I’m just saying he employed the drama of the ancient Greeks with the timing of a Yiddish vaudevillian.”

Although skeptical, Pennywhistle readily admits that Nostradamus was right about many of his forecasts. In 1555 after publishing his prophesies in verse form in Centuries he began to dwell on the mundane, preferring to talk about meaningless cultural behaviors rather than earth stopping developments.

Pennywhistle sights a host of predictions within the realm of popular culture suggesting that Nostradamus was pulling someone’s chain and making a killing doing so.

“The man actually charted changing skirt lengths from 1830 to 1955 seeing what appeared to be only a fashion statement as a presage to war, economic conditions and morality. He saw the rise of the computer but failed to buy stock in Microsoft when it was still cheap,” said the doctor. “Later, just before his death in 1556 Nostradamus told the French to invest in plastics insisting that soon plastic will rule the world.”

Researchers agree that Nostradamus was never successful in attempts to foretell the end of the world but he may have predicted the rise of Adolf Hitler and penned the lyrics in the Beatle’s album Magical Mystery Tour.

“There is evidence that he hit many of history’s nails right on the head, “said Pennywhistle. “But let’s leave those truths in the hands of the supermarket tabloids and talk radio hosts.”

After centuries the astrologer’s ability to predict the future remains as cloudy as ever. Was he a gifted sage, a receiver of random information from the heavens, or was he just another show biz charlatan on the way to the bank?

– Alfalfa Romero


1. Estimate the number of unemployed astrologists living in Paris in the 16th Century.

2. Was Centuries ever available to the general public in paperback?

3. Did Nostradamus ever suggest effective methods for disposing of plastics?

4. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about his half-brother Claude?

5. BONUS: Conjugate the verb nostradar.


Accepted Formula for one’s chances of being hit by bird shit at 8,000 feet. (pajaro de negro malo lo arrojar).   

X – Y (ab+cd) = 41.7 @ka+ka x # foliage…{thinner air/@ cloud cover} x2Q = xy-/wind > vindictiveness/ per cubic foot. Sunlight available for targeting – Wind velocity + relative moisture = tropical inversion quotient.

Keep Moving + Under awning/strawhat [6 + 5 + 4] x square root of feathers and wings = plop/snowy white on my shoulder x {3<4.^ = 65.7} x water content + intent.

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