RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

Are you experienced?

Playing a left-handed stratocaster James Marshal Hendrix was already an accomplished musician when he enlisted in the Army in 1961. Assigned to the 101st Airborne, he was discharged after a year and a jumping injury. Jimmy didn’t fit well in the military routine. The above picture was snapped at Ft Campbell, Kentucky.

MALE DOGS LIE SAYS STUDY

(Curville, CA) Old dogs do engage in new tricks if data collected at Cal Amari University is to be believed. According to a just completed study male dogs are liars.

Ninety percent of the canines observed attempted to lure female dogs into promiscuity by pretending to have food. The liars exuded or secreted a specific aroma that often convinced female dogs that the male knew where to get food or had food stashed. The results of the isolated tests have gone a long way toward convincing animal behaviorists that dogs are far more intelligent that had been supposed and gives further credence to the concept of letting a sleeping dog lie.

“It’s the same with male humans,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Cal Amari. “How do you think all those marginal restaurants stay in business?”

Pennywhistle, recently fired from his position as Head Wienerwurst at nearby Frankfurter Community College, insisted the data collected is relevant and that, in addition, cats have been lying to their keepers since the days of the Egyptians.     

-Dag Katz

“Of all the people on earth only merchants tell the truth, but only when they are talking to each other, and sometimes not even then.”  – Alessandro’s father Giuliani in A Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin

Reporting LIVE from Moscow

Hello to all of our friends in Uruguay from the 2018 World Cup. Above we caught Luis Suarez, Uruguayan striker leaving Leon Trotsky Stadium, his trusty mate gourd by his side. Although one of the favorites to win the tournament Uruguay has scored only twice in two games while holding the competition to zeros. If the defense continues its stellar play and Suarez doesn’t bite anyone (see 2014 vs Italy) the team from the South Atlantic should fare well.                                                      (Photo by Melvin “Yellow Card” Toole)

 

 

 

 

 

INSIDE YOUR ISSUE

VATICAN EXILES SEEK SAY

IN NEW GOVERNMENT

Nuclear Testing, Cardinal Sins

Subject of Grave Concern

In World Beet

HOOTERS PLEADS CASE FOR

PART OF IRAQI PIE

Buxom Approach to Eating Out

May Offend Conservative Shiite Faction

In Culinary Distractions

HUMMUS COOK-OFF HIGHLIGHTS

GUANTANAMO DAYS

American Gulag relaxes security

in post-Iraq humanitarian gesture

In Latin American Watch

DEATH ROW INMATES QUALIFY

FOR GROUP LIFE INSURANCE

Low Premiums, No Medical Check

Net Optimum Participation

in Don’t Call Us – We’ll Call You

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE

BUSH BROTHER ON LINE AND WIN $$$

Don’t forget Neil

in Blind Leading Comics

Plus a grand array of items to eat,

drink, roll in and fall from.

Pick up your copy where you buy fresh bait!

Fun Menu Ideas for the Welfare State

by Evelyn P. Throcmorton

If things are getting tight around your abode why not look around the room and discover potential culinary treasures that will bring back the joy to your dinner table. Get the whole family into the act. Mon, dad, junior, sis and even grandma can use their very own common sense to help develop a gracious dining pattern even when the wheels are falling off. Here is a sample menu made exclusively of household items that is sure to get you started on the road to good eating!

First, let’s try a sample question: What’s noisy and expensive and gets people in to trouble more than not?  Right…the instrument of chaotic intrusion…the cell phone. Why not “snip the wires” on yours today and eat it for lunch. Good idea, you say…why didn’t I think of that.

However, it’s not very easy. How does one prepare a cell phone for consumption? All you need is a little old-fashioned confidence and a can of lard. (Refer to The Five Chinese Plastic Food Groups for more). Cooking techniques vary with the individual whether in a five star kitchen or crouched in the hallway, knee deep in fortune cookies.

You can bake a cell phone or roast one. Frying it doesn’t work since the phone absorbs grease much like rumors and gossip. While steaming takes the wild taste out of the thing. it often leaves the meat rather tough and stringy. The best way to serve cell phone is boiled. I know it sounds boring but trust me it works out best in the end. Just put it in a saucepan with some sautéed teddy bears and an alarm clock or two (salt to taste). Kitchen match fondue recipe fits like a glove when we’re talking mind-altering tapas or simple criss-cut toilet paper sandwiches.

Some of these dust collector stews are featured in my first book The Pickled Welfare Worker. But now it’s time for our weekly card…our daily soft shoe.

MONDAY: Since Mondays are always a pain in the ass and all the family are going in wild tangents why not bench your culinary talents and serve something light but nutritious. My family jumps for joy when they smell bowling bag au Gratin in the oven. Serve with heaping bowls of mother-in-law soup, goose down dinner rolls and then surprise ‘em with Atari jello for dessert.

TUESDAY: For lunch while dad’s at the office spoil the kids and grandma with telephone books in a blanket, tuna cans on a stick and shoe polish sundaes. They’ll love you for it. If it’s a school day be sure to prepare extra portions since the kids will undoubtedly want to bring their friends home to sample this treat!

WEDNESDAY: Dad’s come home drunk again and probably won’t be hungry until 2 am but the rest of the crew will drool in apprehension when you mention stick deodorant on a bed of wild, spliced shower curtain. For diversity pour over junk mail broth and garnish with blackened trash bag filets with a pinch/splash of worn out underwear syrup. Too bad, dad.

THURSDAY: Everyone needs high fiber foods in their diet. Start with slightly shredded coat hangers on wheat toast (hot wire on a shingle for you diner sloths) with seaweed livers and ostrich lampshade sparkles and discarded lobbyist heart. Follow it up with flaming garage door openers and candied ant traps. Serve only with pictures of exotic desserts cut out of survival manuals.

FRIDAY: Toothpaste burritos and crème-de-la-cara make Mexican night fun for everyone. Even people who don’t like Mexicans have a good time. It’s south of the border night in Winnipeg! For a snappy go-along try rolling up the carpet and dipping in sweet and sour unpaid bills.

SATURDAY: THE ENTIRE FAMILY will flip over our Saturday Night Special of the late Chef Musick’s chicken lips in vacuum bags smothered in foot powder and linoleum crisps. For dessert, you’ll be having razor blade pie with all the trimmings!

SUNDAY: It’s high time to relax after church with dog hair sandwiches and barbecued garden tools (and don’t forget the kitty litter grits!). It’s easier than eating out!

     For a multitude of culinary diversion, see us on the web at www.eatyourbelongings.com

     

     

Breathing Computer Sends Office Workers Scurrying

(Montrose) A thought-to-be peaceful desktop computer chased office workers from their desks Monday when it began breathing loudly. The abrasive inhales and exhales were noticed almost immediately by persons accustomed to a cooperative, supportive Power Macintosh at the central office of Catastrophe Realty on South Townsend Avenue.

According to a police report, corroborated by eye-witnesses prior to their retreat the monitor began its respiratory intrusions at about 10 am following a staff meeting regarding equipment updates and new technology. Within moments the zip drive, scanner and laser printer had closed ranks and joined in the melee driving frightened workers into the street.

“It was not normal breathing either,” said one broker at Catastrophe. “It was a diabolical, loathsome sound that most of us associate with hungover cooks at Denny’s. I’m a little hesitant to say this, but…I could swear I heard the thing say, Get out in between rancid breaths. We did.”

When police arrived they found desks turned over and pictures pulled from walls. The temperature in the office had dropped to 12 degrees F. despite Ninety degree readings outside. No computers appeared to be breathing but one allegedly threatened officers and was subsequently shot seventy-three times before crashing.     

“We don’t know what put such a scare in these people,” said one officer. It’s not like a little computer is gonna megabyte you or something…”

Principles at Catastrophe would not discuss the matter. Concerns about negative publicity at the beginning of the busy summer season were expressed and support personnel have been summoned. Rumors that Catastrophe had solicited the expertise of weekend exorcist, Philip Pharisee were still being denied at press time.

When contacted at his Temple For Me on Spring Creek Mesa, Pharisee, a failed sugar beet farmer, would not comment on any whispered exchange, however he did say the incident bore the signature of the Beast or possibly socialist hackers set on undermining the laws of private property and the eternal flow of meaningless paperwork that keeps our system in place.

– Small Mouth Bess

“Every time I go through customs and security at the airport I feel just a little safer.”

– Melvin O’Toole, May 31, 2018