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Pentagon Plan Would Bomb Virus Back to the Stoned Age

Pentagon Plan Would Bomb Virus Back to the Stoned Age

(Warshinkton) Whistle blowers here tell of a not-so-secret plan to bomb the infamous Coronavirus19 into submission. The strategy, logical enough if one crunches numbers in the budgetary pie, has allegedly been discussed since February leaving munitions manufacturers beaming and citizens watching the sky.

According to Dr. Timothy “Tim” Maloney, a fellow at the Altered States Conservatory, the matter is all but wrapped in plastic and out the door. Although he doesn’t agree with the explosive solution he is not surprised.

“They will do anything to remove themselves from the proverbial hook,” he explained. “It doesn’t matter if it makes any sense. It is action at a time when action is required and people are still buying snake oil solutions. Targets, delivery systems and elected officials make strange bedfellows in times of impending disaster as well as acute inconvenience,” he chuckled.

When pressed, several high-ranking staff officers denied the accusations but did not condemn the proposals that they insisted were never brought to the table and such.

“We’re not saying we talked about bombing the virus but we’re not saying it couldn’t work,” said one general. “We currently maintain a stockpile of weapons that could destroy the planet 300 times. Surely that would be ample firepower to waste the virus, even with the acknowledged collateral damage. We could start by bombing hospitals since that’s where so many of the sick people are now residing.”

Meanwhile the White House urged Americans and some Canadians who want to be like Americans, to remain under their school desks until this whole medical disaster blows over.

As of this afternoon there has been no update on a suspected plot by Senate Republicans to bail out FOX News and guarantee bonuses for CEOs affected by the crashing stock market and the rising cost of ventilators on the black market.

Note: Voices from the ashes of the Center for Disease Control are demanding that anyone who has had contact with Trump, Pence or Kushner report to his/her nearest aluminum bingo hall/hospital to undergo what has been described as a painful exorcism ritual as soon as possible.

– Finn McCool

Unreliable sources contributed to this report

UN SENDING COOKBOOKS TO SUDAN

In an unprecedented exercise of its humanitarian authority, the United Nations (UN) today announced a massive airlift of over 1,000,000 cookbooks to the continent of Africa.

Melvin Aku Tul Aku, UN High Commissioner for famine relief, outlined the massive assistance initiative this week at the regular brunch meeting of the UN Famine Management Directorate.

“It has become clear to us that the lack of innovative recipes and culinary techniques is a major factor in the African predicament”, Aku Tul Aku said. “The appetizing presentation of various regional foodstuffs, including leftovers, is key to eliminating possible famine in areas lacking such expertise”. UN studies reveal that Sudan is actually nutritionally rich, once you get past the militias and the curious taboos surrounding what is defined as food.

“These food resources are actually quite appropriate for Atkins and South Beach type diets that are widely followed in Europe and North America”, Aku Tul Aku pointed out. He concluded; “A little bit of innovation can make a remarkable difference in the daily lives of these people who insist on living here.”

When asked about the $300,000,000 price tag for the effort, Aku Tul Aku defended the cost as being consistent with the expense of printing separate cookbooks for Christians and Muslims and paying off warlords. Human Rights Watch, an international watchdog group, has expressed concern that the books will not be accompanied by CD’s for victims who can’t read.

“CDs? asked one UN representative. “We are not finished counting each of the grains of rice that are earmarked for Africa. We have to keep records of each disbursement and cannot release the food until we have accomplished what is no small feat.”

Horseshoe Office Condemned

(Pea Green – UPS) In its first use of the new expanded eminent domain authority, the Delta County Commissioners voted this week to initiate condemnation procedures with regard to The San Juan Horseshoe regional distribution center in Pea Green. In a unanimous vote, the Commissioners approved the proposal made by JerCorp-Patriots, Inc., a major regional franchiser of jerky stands. An anonymous source close to the Commissioners explains that in light of a recent Supreme Court decision, it is clear that local governments are free to condemn and seize property as long as there is a “clear public benefit to the action, or if at least some member of the public will benefit from the action.” Such benefits implicitly include personal benefits to public officials, beneficiaries and their political committees as applicable.

“Although we generally oppose this sort of governmental action, in a case such as this, where a newspaper operation will be replaced by a jerky stand, we cannot with a clear conscience argue that public good is not enhanced.” While many local citizens are wildly enthusiastic about the proposed action, we were unable to locate any San Juan Horseshoe readers to comment on the development.

Empresa de basura servicio de latas hasta la primavera

(Montrose) Una empresa de gestión de residuos desde hace mucho tiempo ha suspendido el servicio aquí hasta la primavera. Citando condiciones más frías que el promedio y el aumento en el robo de identidad de basura, las fuentes de Bella Trash Inc. (anteriormente de Gladstone) dicen que los reclamos de compensación del trabajador y la amenaza de demandas por seguridad han forzado su mano en este asunto.

“Nuestro personal ha llegado tarde o ausente por completo en los días más fríos. ¿Quién podría culparlos? dijo un comunicado de prensa preparado encontrado debajo de una caja de merlot argentino en nuestro encantador pero pretencioso patio de ladrillos esta mañana.

La noticia fue un shock para la Herradura de San Juan, que en una semana genera más desechos orgánicos que Bedrock, Paradox y las Ciudades Gemelas de Nucla y Naturita juntas.

Según las preocupaciones expresadas, los elementos criminales han estado incautando basura y vendiendo datos y direcciones a los abogados a pesar de que dijeron que no lo harían.

La acción no tiene conexión con una fuga controlada de aguas residuales destinada a matar las malas hierbas nocivas antes del verano, según el comunicado.

-Dolores Alegria

State highway employees to don red

(Montrose) Out with the orange and in with the red. That’s the word at the Colorado Division of Transportation today. Early this morning in a moving, private ceremony highway crews turned in their flashy orange uniform shirts and jackets for a more definitive red.    

The action, in keeping populist federal dress codes (MAG caps), assures the smooth flow of federal highway funds to Colorado for the next fiscal year. Although seen as petty by many the new regulations seek to unify all state road crews under the same color codes. The failure to adhere to the new order could put highway funding in jeopardy. Threats to discontinue funding are clearly linked to cities and states with immigration safe zones and conflicts with federal marijuana laws.

“That orange color was driving a lot of people nuts,” said one critic of the move, “But the expenses incurred in the shift could have been translated into yards and yards of asphalt, tons and tons of gravel. The feds are simply attempting to militarize our local highway workers in the event of insurgent actions in the face of what should be a concerned population.”

At top levels, the color red, is the favorite of the Trump Administration and was preferred three to one by cooperative state officials in a recent survey, is easy to launder and looks good with blue and white on everything from flags to men working signs.

“The switch will cost a pretty penny,” admitted one state engineer, “but we think it’s worth it. The orange had outgrown its usefulness, was garish and made our people look like Halloween characters instead of highway personnel.”

When interviewed most state employees welcomed the change saying that the red shirts might be more relaxing and subtle.

“Try working eight to ten on a windy stretch of road up to your neck in blaze orange,” said one worker who spoke anonymously. “You’ve got orange shirts, hats, trim, accessories, warning signs and vehicles. Enough. The concept of a lighter shade of red can’t hurt. In a fashion sense orange is too hard to match with other colors.”

C-DOT has for years been experimenting with designs as well as color combinations so as to better protect exposed workers from danger on the roadways. Referee-like stripes, green and white checks, bright pastels, varied flesh tones and even electronic blinkers have been suggested.

“Now that the decision to go with red has been finalized we embrace the changes with the full force of our corps of workers,” said one C-DOT boss who for decades has reputedly worn orange underwear and socks, even on his days off. “I’m changing with the times,” he added. “Besides in two more years I’ll be retired and I can wear whatever I like.”

At present all official outfits must contain .08% red or be subject to fine and public ridicule.  Experts say that an entire fleet of red trucks can pass through an area all but unnoticed while one orange pickup sticks out like a sore thumb.

“We don’t want our people or our equipment to draw too much attention. We just want to get the job done and move on to the next bridge, the next chuckhole,” said the C-Dot source. “Orange was an unnecessary distraction along the highway.”

The official refused direct comment when asked if the color-coded move had any connection to Homeland Security decrees. Some elected in Denver have accused the federal gov’ment of manipulating the situation so as to implement further controls at the state level.

– Uncle Pahgre

Thought for the day

Thought for the day

Selfish Rwandan Eaten by Crockodile

A man in Rwanda who breached the ongoing lockdown to reportedly go fishing has been killed and eaten by a crocodile, the mayor of the southern Kamonyi district has told the BBC.

Alice Kayitesi said the Wednesday morning incident happened in the Nyabarongo river.

“He had broken the stay-home rule, he’s among very few people here who are not co-operating with the lockdown to stop the [corona]virus,” Ms Kayitesi said.

The authorities in Rwanda imposed a total lockdown on Sunday as cases of Covid-19 continued to rise.

The East African nation has confirmed 140 cases so far, the highest in the region.

The shutdown of economic activities in the country has severely affected majority of people who are low-income earners.

-BBC