RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

WEST CORK, WEST SLOPE SIGN WEATHER ACCORD

(Montrose) County governments in Cork, Ireland and Montrose, Colorado have agreed in principle to exchange excess weather. In short, the Irish region would receive 10 more days of sun in trade for 10 more days of rain for the Rocky Mountain area.

A test run and other logistics are yet to be worked out but everyone involved seems optimistic regarding the innovative switch. Mutual benefits were noted while hiccups spelled out in last night’s meeting held in Brussels, for no apparent reason.

“Many could argue that West Cork gets an abundance of rain while Western Colorado continually flirts with drought,” said Mary O’Shaughnessy of Glandore.

“We could use a little more moisture around here while a few lost days of sun might be seen as a relief to our parched populace,” said Paddy O’Hurley, of Kinikin Heights.

Further weather exchanges may be in the works for such distinct climate zones as Russia and Alabama as well as Colombia and Indonesia. Some say this cooperation will lead to better diplomatic ties and understanding of other cultures.

This private agreement between two sovereign regions is in no way an attempt to undress monster weather patterns of the past few years.

“The extreme weather indicates that we are perched on an angry planet about to shake off its many fleas,” quipped Shaughnessy in Hiberno-English. “We are not here to hold back the flood just to make it a bit more pleasant while we await the paybacks of bad resource management.”

– Fred Zeppelin

ROCK SOUP

Nora: Watch the seals at play and regain your lost soul – Leopold Bloom.

Tax advice #399: Avoid annoying audits. Send 25% of your taxes due directly to the Pentagon and save penalties and interest too. Since the money is going to end up there anyway, why make us do all the paperwork? We might even lose it in the mail. Your contribution will go toward building even bigger and better weapons which will be used against enemies of freedom as we define it.

Lost: Yardarm from Stevens Power Yacht along with entire starboard side and some rope. Cannot find crew since entering harbor last Friday. Running short of malt and scurvy setting in. House plants doing well. Help. Finbar the Sailor.

Monster Man Kelly will be in Cahone to take on all bare-fisted comers through July 19. Pick up entry form at Disappointment Valley Optimist’s Club. Cash payout daily. No sumo wrestlers.

Foot pads, thieves and dance house loungers must get out of Lake City and stay — otherwise hang. – By order of the Vigilantes, June 2019.

Smile…Thor loves you.

NOTICE: Local black bear are awake. PLEASE do not bother them with your intrusive demands, silly problems and ridiculous questions until they have had their coffee. Follow this simple consideration and everyone involved will have a happier summer. Thank you. DOW.

Suffering from Middle Age Vertigo Syndrome? Dial 4 and ask for Donald Quijote.

Join the OLIVE OF THE MONTH CLUB and receive a new set of olives from all of the Greek islands once a month. Naxos, Paros, Crete and more. Imagine the fun when your olives arrive by mail. It’s almost like being there! Box 30097, Ophir.

Hunters: Beware of the Hides of March! Your local 4-H Club. Do it today.

Digital Cahone, the region’s premier bouzoukia band, will be playing Friday and Saturday at The Tinsel Tavern. Bring a covered fish.

Get the credit you deserve. We don’t care what you’ve been doing to dig that fiscal hole. We’ll make it better. Mr Blue. 800-475-1153.

Red: Work release don’t buy me no prom dress. Kiss off – Kate.

Aerial photos of your enlarged ego. See Mr Habitt, afternoons the Wrinkle Room at the Last Harbor Hotel Annex. No cover.

Needed: Rogue truckers to transport hazardous materials in unmarked trailers through the Rockies while all the little environmentalists are fast asleep. Gov’ment approval pending. Great pay. Apply at the third apple shed adjacent to C Bunker across from the simple block building one mile north of the L-P surfboard plant. You won’t be sorry.

For lease: Cash cows. Herd or intimate discussion groups. Feed extra. Also broken horses and depressive goats. Free oysters to the first 1000 people through our gate! Gelded Fields Ranch, Sapinero.

Recovering realtors needed to man nuclear waste dumps. Points earned go toward legal reprieves and full emancipation someday. Aromatic Effigy Commission.

Found: Truckload of acronyms in front of Gunnison Quart House. Have same stored at Department of Dead Letters. Please advise. Second Floor, No anchovies.

Enjoy Apres Ski! Genuine Salivation Army issue Apex Telemark Meatloaf Conveyor. One odor. Was $6780 now $10 with your KBUT Membership. Many elk designs under the socks. Also, need someone to direct traffic at Society Turn weekdays. Town Console.

Learn the intricacies of Bingo on location in Latin American countries. One month sessions now booked. Richard “Pelota” Ricardo, Havana.

Will the person who called in the bomb threat to the Montrose Wal-Mart please turn himself in. We have you on camera. Do so before June 30 and take 20% off all spring merchandise.

Official combat helmets just like those worn by the Colorado Rockies pitching staff in 2018. Also: Check these specials: Base paths 2/$3; Chewing tobacco $4.99; Arbitration couches and front office supplies 40% off. Utility infielders 1/3 off while they last. Diluted personnel always on sale. Mack the Hack, Mack.

Grow hair where and when you want to. Dial 45. No scalpers.

Bagpiper needed to host Wee People when they come to town for  pint. Duties include keeping little glasses full and keeping little glasses full and keeping little glasses full. Commission only. Liam O’Leary.

Scapegoat milk and cheeses delivered to your bunker daily. Fred Hat Produce.

Remember: July 30 is the final deadline for refunds on the Colorado Unused Firewood Tax Credit. If you were smart you burned all those federal forms to stay warm and should have a stack of wood leftover for lovely October. Call the IRS.

Don’t forget the FREE PERFUME SAMPLE: See Lifestyles at Risk.

Cheney Jet Down Over Iraq

A personal jet, registered to Richard “Dick” Cheney has reportedly crashed near Mosul, Iraq this morning. Although no final announcement has been released as to the status of passengers, evidence suggests there may have been survivors.

Cheney and many of his cronies are wanted for war crimes due to Operation Iraqi Freedom and other smoking gun actions taken against the Iraqi people and many other suspects (anyone caught hanging around that looked Arabic) in the shadows of 9/11.

The Iraqi government has yet to respond to demands from the Trump White House that any Americans who survived the descent should be repatriated. Insiders say that Cheney and others could be held and prosecuted as war criminals. *

Iraq, and entire Mideast was dangerously destabilized by bombings (2003) and occupation by coalition troops (2003-2011) during the war for oil.

Collateral damages include one million Iraqis who died due to the pre-emptive strikes and the violence that followed.

Area near where the Cheney plane went down last night

It was not known why the Cheney entourage had returned to Iraqi flight space or what they might have been looking for on the ground.

“Perhaps they left a few barrels of oil or a box of ancient Mesopotamian artifacts worth plenty on the black market,” chided one opponent of the 2003 excursion.

Records show that the then Vice President profited greatly through his association with Halliburton, a firm he ran before joining the Bush ticket in 2000. Contractors reaped an estimated 138-billon dollars according to major media sources.

It was not immediately clear if other members of that former Bush Administration or if Cheney’s lovely daughter Liz were onboard at the time of the crash.

One insurgent group in Iraq has offered the safe return of all the Americans in trade for the sovereignty of the state of Wyoming that is held sacred by both Sunni and Shia Muslims. Pro-Israel voices in the Senate say they intend to create a Palestinian Homeland in that sparsely populated locality.

– Tommy Middlefinger

*In what is the first ever conviction of its kind anywhere in the world, the former US President and seven key members of his administration were… found guilty of war crimes. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and their legal advisers Alberto Gonzales, David Addington, William Haynes, Jay Bybee and John Yoo were tried in absentia in Malaysia…At the end of the week-long hearing, the five-panel tribunal unanimously delivered guilty verdicts against Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and their key legal advisors who were all convicted as war criminals for torture and cruel, inhumane and degrading treatment. A full transcript of the charges, witness statements and other relevant material was then sent to the Chief Prosecutor of the International Criminal Court, as well as the United Nations and the Security Council.

 

THE MISSING LINKSTERS

Cheating at Golf Part One

“If I had my way any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.”                  – H.L. Mencken

We all get into trouble when we take ourselves too seriously. Nowhere is this reality more apparent than on the golf course. If we can’t even lighten up on the links then what chance to do we have in the workaday jungle? It’s sad. The game of golf has all the elements: A healthy flirtation with fate, a personal challenge, a sensual brush with nature, and a good belly laugh. So then why the frustration?

In 1771 Tobias Smallett observed in The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker that the game was becoming serious. “An Edinburgh foursome, all gentlemen of independent fortunes, had amused themselves at the pastime for the best part of a century, thus achieving a considerable amount of dexterity.” Tobias saw the golf as a precocious, yet peaceful pursuit. He may have said more had it not been for a brief encounter with a bolt of lightning, while single malt chipping on the 9th hole at St. Andrews that very afternoon. RIP Tobias.

Often a golfer cannot achieve peace on a fast talking green or in a bushwhacking fairway bunker because he’s dragged all of his daily problems into the sand trap with him. In short, he has chosen to play golf only on the surface level. He has chosen to go through the motions while his mind is elsewhere. He has chosen to follow another blueprint awarding himself with yet another report card for his efforts. In short, he has chosen the wrong club. That’s where cheating helps.

All golfers cheat. The ones who tell you they don’t are liars and cheats.

While fudging on a score, kicking the ball from the rough onto the fairway, taking countless mulligans and rearranging the landscape are common behaviorisms they are only manifestations of the inside game. They are as predictable as a wad of chew on the path between second and third base or lowered helmets at the goal line.

Combined with a competitive attention to detail, throat-slitting speed and an assortment of deadpan expressions these sociopathic country club skills, often inherited, can allow the golfer that fleeting inner peace.

Cheating at golf is a game within a game, a subculture composed of honed athletic skills, an executioner’s concentration and a bounce in the right direction when nobody is looking. It is peppered with a brisk glimpse that nothing is sacred and that no micro human endeavor should ever be taken very seriously.

It’s all fair and square because everyone has an equal opportunity to be dishonest, even the caddies. Handicaps be damned…The novice swindler should take precautions to employ a caddie who is also a cheat. That way there’s no conflict of interest. In addition one should dress to blend. In other words: Flashy clothes draw the kind of attention that no self-respecting, flimflam golfer wants.

The deceptive linkster doesn’t cotton to laughing at other golfer’s outfits either. He practices the art of distraction at the appropriate times. For example he might be inclined to rigging his own pants to fall down at while competitors are putting for effect. Eating crunch snacks on the green can also achieve this same kind of objective. Remember: Always practice your methods of cheating. There’s no reason to go straight just because you’re on the putting green or the driving range prior to play.

One particularly successful golf cheat I know in Montrose is constantly giving advice and tips to his competition. This drives them nuts.

“Keep your head down and don’t move your head,” he says. “Keep your arms straight and your club face closed. Bend your knees!”

The result of this mental torture is the slow demise of his adversary. Soon these pathetic pawns are thinking way too much and the ball peters off the tee or hooks its way into downtown Olathe.

Noted American Presidents like Gerald Ford and Dwight Eisenhower engaged in techniques of harassment on regular basis. Ford aimed his shots at other golfers while Eisenhower often put fellow linksters to sleep with his legendary monotones. Jethro Clampitt, who was never elected president of anything, often yelled, “Whop it!” just as other golfers began their backswing. Or maybe it was Jed.

My favorite method is to offer assistance just as another golfer is about to drive.

“You just keep your head down, pal, I’ll stand back here and watch your ball for you,” I say.

After the drive I attempt to send my fellow golfer to a spot as far away from his ball as possible.

It’s really funny watching the fellow searching in the rough for a ball that lies right in the middle of the fairway. Ha! Finding one’s own ball may not be the most beneficial move either. Always frown while looking and keep a backup ball at bay. Storing a second ball in one’s cheek or behind the ear works well.

One particularly clever cheat over at Dos Rios, in Gunnison, has fashioned a kind of Steve McQueen/Great Escape pair of pants that allows for timely golf ball drops anywhere. The prisoners in the film used similar apparatus to get rid of dirt from their ill-fated tunnel. Try it on the golf course whenever the Gestapo ain’t lookin’.

The practice of lingering over one’s own ball for what seems like an eternity can also upset other players causing them to lose all sense of timing. Often they become distracted by other stimuli and then they are at the mercy of the cheater. This approach is very important if one is caught in a sand trap. After the other golfers have grown bored and stopped watching you take practice swings, simply stomp your ball down into the trap, kick up some sand and toss a new ball up onto the green.

Simple enough huh? If another trick is necessary, exercise the wild-eyed option of cleaning your ball for about five or ten minutes at a whack whenever you are within 30 yards of a ball washing machine.

Be very careful in the sand trap. We know of people who, having spent the afternoon there, emerged victorious, but never the same. “Titleist, Topflight…Maxiflight, Wilson Long Drive…. is their curious mantra. Heart breaking.

Other effective diversions include impersonating the sounds of the club hitting the ball. (The proper sound is Twaaack, not Clunk, Whoop or Plop). Losing one’s temper can work and often covers the real agenda. Sneezing, burping and chattering are also powerful tools.

Just remember: The golf club is designed to hit the ball and the golf course is designed for cheaters. Keep in mind that the ultimate reward for cheating is a favorable score. Many of us prefer to keep score after 18 holes have already been completed.

“I think I had a four on number five or was it a five on number four,” is a common conversational technique. Feel free to use our international conversion table found at the rear of this issue. Check out the section listed under Club Distribution of Body Weight and/or Driving While Impaired. It’s sure to shave a point or two.

If none of this works maybe one should consider that he/she simply sucks when it comes to golf. We suggest that a person faced with this stark realization turn to poker or billiards, two fine exercises for chronic cheats.

Kevin Haley, a duffer of some impressive stature throws clubs and refuses to check the oil on his golf cart. He thinks a consistent score of 18 or lower adds validity to an afternoon.

Jack’s Cabin Librarian Accused of Grand Larceny

(Almont) A veteran librarian here has been accused of stealing more than $10,000 from Gunnison County. The alleged theft was reported this morning by library examiners from Powderhorn who say they were tipped off due to unpaid utility bills.

Jack himself later confided that, although he was quite liberal with rental agreement, he had no received a rent check in three years.

Whether the suspect is part of a larger conspiracy to bilk other libraries is yet to be determined although authorities, bored during a lull in mass tourism, say that is a distinct possibility. No names were released because the accused thief’s family were once miners.

“The missing cash was found stored in three cellophane bags marked “Warning: May Contain Toxic Ingredients, said one investigator. “Most is in the form of crisp $50 bills with assorted change totaling $10,346.93. It was a clever attempt to throw us off and might have worked if the office was larger.”

Authorities ask that anyone with information on suspicious behavior in and around Jack’s Cabin to call Crime Shoppers or simply come forward. A small reward is offered.

“You don’t need to borrow trouble.”  –  cowboy saying

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Section I – Writing Heads

Rewrite the following headlines for clarity and concision. Note: These are headlines found in reputedly reputable local papers.

1. Snowpack Could Lead To Flooding.

2. Senior Citizens Getting Older Says Government Study.

3. Energizer Wabbit Wounded By Gwouse Hunters.

Take ample time to finish your work. No cheating please. That comes later on the job.

Section II Proof-reading skills

Find as many mistakes as possible in the following passages:

1. Armed with a spanking new set of murals I began to thawr out. Instantly I knowed I could, be brake-dancing the Horizontal, Two-step with any, woman mechanic in, town. instead of inhaling another round of whiskey and sleeping with the billiard rack in the liquor closet.

2. The sky was about as redd as your average cowboy’s knees at the beech in July and near’s cloudy as The cramp cookie’s general atttitude. That’s a sure sign that flatland touristas are zoned in on the vicinity,” spat one cowpuncher as he precariously landed an above average wad in a patch of pickled sagebrush.

3. “It’s sinful enough fer me,” said Clem. “Ether the driver around this parts are getting dumber or everyone in Montrose owns at yeast six vehicles.”

4. My father was an olde Indian fighter while my mother was an old Indian. I myself have taken up a career in real estate.

How many mistakes did you find? The very fact that you would spend time on this exercise is one indication that you might accept less than minimum wage during your six-year training period.. Go on to the next section.

Part III Reading for comprehension

Read the following story and write a 1600 word essay explaining its major components. You have three minutes.

Once upon a time a big bull skunk moved into the shed that housed my daddy’s still. Upon weekend examination daddy determined that he was hosting a family of unwanted guests. He also found that his moonshine had taken on a different taste and was now selling like hotcakes to the large New York perfume companies and all the way to the West Virginia border. Confused, he constructed another shed and a second still apparatus which he planned to rent out to a contingent of whistle pigs on their way to the California Gold Fields.

When you have completed the entire test fold it up (12 x 4) and send it (along with a $35 filing fee) to BEHGA, 126 Big Earl Way West, Maybell, Colorado.

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