RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

TIDS AND TID BITS

Southern Colorado’s own Slim Tinkleholland won the Hayden Peak banked slalom and not a baked salmon, as was reported on this website last weekend. The confusion appears to have been related to Slim’s twin half-bother who is an avid snagging fisherman and skijoring enthusiast. Sorry for any inconvenience this error may have caused.

Math Coroner: Need for sleep has saved planet. If people were awake for 24 hours every day imagine the levels of destruction. It’s the same for the repast breather the planet gets during dinner and lunch hours. Formula X – 8 x {7 billion} = gross natural impact x snores + alpha state comfort. …If people didn’t sit down for meals and sleep each night the planet would have been destroyed 3400 years ago…Now you do the work.

Poll Results In: United States and Western Europe:

13% of those polled favor invading Iran, Iraq, any of Middle Eastern countries

87% favor same action if gas would hover at $2 a gallon.

Ghost of Col. Sanders Haunts Chicken Plant

(Wimpton) He prowls the coops of the processing plant dressed in his white linen suit, a cadaverous, ghastly smile across his pasty face. His goatee is death-white too and almost starched, his glasses slip down his nose as he makes his nightly rounds. He casts no shadow as he monitors the last hours of the feathered inhabitants.

Sightings have become almost commonplace here in a land of thoroughbreds, Ezra Brooks and Kentucky colonels.

“We saw him one dawn after a night of plucking,” said Andrea Capone, who has worked at the processing plant since flunking out of Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School back in 1966. “He was real creepy and didn’t touch the ground. He just drifted through walls, clucking to himself.”

Para-psychologists say the appearance of apparitions such as Colonel Sanders are rare but do occur often in places linked to traumatic memories and unresolved guilt.

“We’ve had almost 300 reported sightings since summer,” said Dr. Wince Ardvarke, of Cal Amari College. “Certainly all of these witnesses can’t be crazy.”

Ardvarke, Professor of Macabre Economics at the well respected Pacific Coast institution gained fame after recording a posthumous conversation with the ghost of Jean Laffite on the River Road near New Orleans in 1980. He is author of the best selling novel Phantoms in the Pudding (Testosterone Brothers, Boston) in which he clearly states:

“Why are people so surprised at the presence of ghosts like these roaming around after dark? Do they think the afterlife is so glamorous? Imagine sitting around playing cards or dominoes with a bunch of pale riders all morning then shuffleboard with more spooks in the afternoon. Anyone would want to break free of this bond and do a little exploring.”

Ardvarke laughed when asked by one cynical reporter if ghosts were dangerous.

“No more dangerous than eating a diet of grease-fried chicken and instant mashed potatoes,” he said. “Just so long as ye warsh it down with a toss of Basil Hayden’s.”

Local police have promised to increase patrols in the vicinity as well as around the nearby turkey processing plants buzzing with pre-holiday activity.

Who knows,” cackled one officer, “we might even see Miles Standish or that Longfellow character out for a stroll looking for a gob of moonshine giblet gravy.”

     

Cleanup of Nude Beaches Set For Weekend

(Blue Mesa) The annual spring cleanup of the region’s nude beaches will be held this Saturday morning. Persons wishing to participate are asked to bring lawn tools, plastic bags and a good attitude. It is projected that over 400 volunteers will be needed to do the job.

Organizers warn that the cleanup must be completed before hunting season so as to avoid losing heavy revenues from hunters and to prevent the unfortunate incidents of he past. The two distinct groups do not interface well and, in the landmark case Elmer vs Tarzan, a hunter allegedly mistook a nude bather for an elk and fired away. Fortunately he was a bad shot and the volatile episode passed peacefully.

“The kind of rough and ready nudists that visit these often frigid shores are in search of solitude, peace and a natural state of affairs,” said Syd Skynn, proprietor of Syd’s Sun Screen Ventures located at Chicken Bay. “Besides, they’re very picky about cleanliness and grooming.”

Nudists, often perceived as minimalists, still leave a footprint. In their efforts to embrace the natural life they are generally respectful and tidy. However a few beer cans and an occasional plastic bag can be poorly discarded or left behind.

Experts project that nude bathers will spend in excess of 4.3 million dollars on the Western Slope this summer which is three times more than the combined sum spent by RV enthusiasts and mushroom hunters last season.   

“We seek to keep the lid on here in thermal paradise,” said Skynn. Co-existance is the key and seasonal priorities have to be appreciated.”

Volunteers are asked to arrive by 8 am. Participants may bring brooms and buckets but not vacuum cleaners since the sand plays havoc with the workings of the otherwise functional tools and they are quickly plugged up.  Plastic bags will be provided. A light lunch will be served after the sanitization.

Nude beaches have been legal in Colorado since 1900. for a map of the nearest natural cove or bare bay stop at the local chamber of comments.

“With a little elbow grease, polish  and some disinfectant we will be ready for increased summer traffic,” added Skynn. If we all work together we’ll continue have the best nude beaches in the nation.”

-Dusty Pearl  

Local farmer blows up vineyard with chili paste

(California Mesa) A local grape farmer’s seasonal salsa really hit the mark taking with it three acres of vines, a small metal shed and some abandoned yard appliances. Local law enforcement personnel joined frightened neighbors this morning to sort things out.

The explosion, on the mink farm operated by Earl Bloodcell, was heard all the way to Haley Draw, rattling the more than 4000-piece glass menagerie in a ramshackle, yet revered mud hut that borders Wingfield National Rocket Test Range. No injuries were reported although one unicorn bruised his nose slightly.

Maybe just a pinch less on the Serrano-gunpowder paste and a little more cilantro, heh Earl?

“That salsa has quite a kick. It blew the top off my metal shed My wife told me to use the measuring apparatus but my neighbor said he could eyeball the concoction so as to avoid cleaning more dishes after cooking. It was them damn habaneras!

Local authorities blame dormant Carolina Reaper peppers for the blast. Both are illegal in Colorado and Utah. The strain is usually crushed up and blended with other less noxious vegetables. It is widely employed as a topical aphrodisiac by Spartan tribes in New Guinea.

“I didn’t intend on breaking the law,” said Bloodcell. I only used a little of the Scotch bonnet to keep mountain lions out of my petunias. The rest I fed to the bear to keep them from raiding my still.

Concocted and cooked in a brand new cattle trough the spicy mixture should be classified as a weapon.

“Technically his hot sauces should be classified as explosives and classified in the gunpowder family,” said one gentleman caller, a retired ATF agent who lives up the hollow from Bloodcell.

“We were experimenting with dilution when the whole place lost its cool,” whisked Bloodcell. “It’s half an eyedropper to a gallon of water from now on.”

According to SF Gate: “The green chili group includes all green peppers that are hot, including “Anaheim” (Capsicum annuum “Anaheim”), “Jalapeno” (Capsicum annuum “Jalapeno”) and “Cayenne” (Capsicum annuum “Cayenne”). Technically, there is no difference between a green chili and a jalapeno. However, many chili fans are referring to the large, mild New Mexico peppers, such as “Anaheim” when they use the term green chili. These chilies are used to make green chili and canned chilies. Because these chilies are so mild, they can be used in large amounts in recipes. Jalapenos have more heat and they are often used as a condiment, rather than a main ingredient.”

 

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Hombre disparado desde las tierras del cañón en el hospital

(Wimpton-on-Uncompahgre) Un hombre de 27 años, disparado desde un cañón el jueves durante el espectáculo anual de armas y fuegos artificiales de Chicken Hawk, descansa cómodamente en el hospital de San Roscoe. Se espera que sea engañado y liberado después del fin de semana.

Según los informes, el forraje no identificado de carne y huesos se ofreció para ser propulsado de esta manera de polvo negro. Supuestamente estaba tratando de eludir a los seis hermanos de su novia que recientemente se habían comprometido a golpearlo sin sentido debido a interludios románticos sin compromiso y “promesas de cumplir”.

Aunque el ejercicio de artillería se realizó sin problemas, la bala de cañón humana aterrizó más o menos en los asientos del estadio en la arena de rodeo. Los técnicos de emergencias médicas lo rescataron y lo llevaron a St. Roscoe. Ahora es una celebridad en el ala psiquiátrica.

“Al principio lo consideramos un goner”, dijo un técnico médico en la escena. “Entonces pensamos que tenía que llevarlo a la Clínica Mao, pero está sentado desayunando esta mañana, sacudido pero vivo”.

Actualmente está experimentando una leve pérdida auditiva, pero los médicos nos aseguran que la afección mejorará o podría empeorar según lo dicte el tratamiento.

El episodio marca la primera vez desde la batalla de Glorieta Pass que un ser humano ha sido lanzado por una pistola o mortero. Respaldarlos a menudo era una necesidad, en lugar de tanques o poder aéreo, para avanzar tropas vacilantes de manera ordenada.

“Cuando las tropas reunidas vieron lo que le sucedió a un simulador, todos pasaron por encima y cargaron la posición del enemigo sin más demora”, dijo una fuente del espectáculo de armas. “Los ejércitos dispararon exploradores y soldados de observación hacia adelante fuera de los cañones hasta la perfección del paracaídas de poliéster y la invención del helicópter.

Las autoridades aún no han revelado el nombre de la víctima hasta que se puedan identificar a los miembros de la familia, mientras que las personas responsables de encender el fusible han sido detenidas, aunque los abogados insisten en que la evidencia es humeante en el mejor de los casos.

“Nadie obligó a este lunático a entrar en el cañón”, dijeron, “que intenten probar intenciones o acciones criminales. Han ocurrido muchas cosas más extrañas durante el calor de la batalla.

Los funcionarios del hospital confirmaron que usar un casco probablemente le salvó la vida al hombre. Ya se está trabajando en un libro.