RSSAuthor Archive for Walter 1915

DUTCH CHARLIE APPREHENDED IN ARGENTINA

(Buenos Aires) An accused former SS officer known only as Dutch Charlie has been arrested in Argentina. The elderly culprit is allegedly the same Dutch Charlie that served in an elite Nazi unit in Poland during World War II. He is expected to be deported to Germany where he will stand trial for crimes against humanity.

Embarrassingly enough, a few years ago the state of Colorado may have named a reservoir near Ridgway, Colorado after the same man.

“That’s a lie,” said Melvin Von Toole. “Our Dutch Charlie was a brain-dead bureaucrat from Lamar. He pushed a pencil for the BLM through the Fifties then later functioned as a double agent for Colorado Parks and Recreation until his retirement in 1993. We think he’s living outside of Mexican Hat.”

Upon further examination we found no trace of this second Dutch Charlie in the Beehive State.

“When the state named the reservoir after this Dutch Charlie guy local residents were aghast,” said H.L. Menoken, a local gull canner and free-lance ukulele tuner who gave his address as “just up the road. “Nobody had a clue as to what or who they were referring. Cripes, they could have named the place after Otto Mears or even Chief Colorow.”

A spokesman for the state further denied implications that law enforcement policy at the reservoir was based on an SS manual.

“It seems that there’s a lot of denial around the shores of this Pa-Cha-Ku-Ku-Ka-Chu-Pey place,” continued Menoken. “Is that the capital of North Korea or South Korea?”

It is not known if the recent disclosures will effect plans to fill the reservoir with Bavarian Mimosas for Columbus Day, as has been the tradition for longer than anyone can remember.

– Crepes Suzette

      

Warning to all local bear

Please…if you insist on prowling our golf course at night looking for scraps STAY OFF THE GREENS. There is plenty of rough on which to roam. There is no food on the greens! It is all in the handy dumpsters near the restaurant. Do not bother the golfers. They do not have anything for you either. We are tired of cleaning up after you. The season is short and a little cooperation goes a long way. If you do not comply with what we fell are reasonable requests you will not be invited back next year!

  Deer Creek Golf Course Management, Cedaredge, Colorado

THOR, ODIN IN TOWN TO UNDRESS WIND, DROP LINE

(Gunnison) Norse gods, Thor and Odin, were in town over the weekend as guests of the local volunteer fire department. While visiting they are expected to bring much needed relief from seasonably high winds, which threaten to drive the population here to the brink of insanity.

“Thor is the god of thunder,” said one fireman, “so we figured he might have some pull with the wind. He’s also quite a fisherman.”

In honor of the visit, the department, at the request of both gods, will run its sirens at increased intervals all weekend.

Odin, the supreme deity, whose accolades include a sketchy creator of the cosmos and man, god of wisdom, art, war, culture and the dead, will also be on hand. It is hoped that he can calm the wind to lessen the chances of brush fires and wind-driven madness on the part of livestock.

Sometime during the sojourn the two will be joined by the often rambunctious Neptune, who is hauling his ponga boat, Valhalla, up from Colorado Springs. Joining the trio as premier bush pilot/fishing guide will be the late Don Woodbury, who many surmise has already reached minor deity status in the Great Beyond.

An ancient flower grows…

Polyester Blamed in Brain Deterioration

(Detroit, MI  Fabric of Life 2026  October, 2017)

Motown scientists say they have linked the use of polyester to mental dysfunction and the loss of brain cells. Teams of dermatologists from the Detroit Free Garment District and Cotton Gentrification Tribunal are convinced that the fabric should be outlawed before the Congress disbands in 2022. The research facility, badly damaged during Romanian air strikes in 2020, has tested over 7000 article of clothing from stretch pants to dress shirts.

“The purveyors of these fashion horrors should be banned from the industry and jailed,” quacked Miracle Miles, of the DFGD. “Their chemical clothing must be banned from our racks.”

The issue here appears related to the breathing capacity of polyester and the effect on the brain. For decades scientists have known the oxygen deprivation can be deadly. Now mounds of data show that persons who wear cotton are healthier and people who don the poly are at extreme risk.

In over 40,000 test cases conducted at the revamped Chrysler Assembly Plant here, deterioration was quite evident in every participant. Veteran workers, with a longer exposure quotient, were found to have suffered permanent damage beyond even the most radical rehabilitation techniques.

“This is bunk,” said one union steward. “These folks have been turned into vegetables because of the mindless, repetitive, and yes tedious work that they perform eight hours a day. We should not be surprised to see the level of unhappiness increasing in a society where people must sell their soul to feed their families.”

Many of the subjects, who have been wearing polyester since childhood, showed up for the first session with rashes and skin irritations thought to be related to constant exposure to inferior attire.

Congress, on an extended, non-perk vacation since 2018, is expected to return to Washington, when the water recedes, and then on to the Capitol for high-level talks on the matter

Uncompahgre To Run South in November

(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the Department of the Inferior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river, have petitioned for the project since 2007.

The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until at least early November.

“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this place existed. It’s really nice here but where do people go shopping?”


The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.

“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful river water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors TV commercials.”

– Uncle Pahgre