Armed robberies down above 5000 feet

(Montrose)) The number of armed robberies committed above 5,000 feet are down from previous months. A major reason, according to law enforcement findings, is the increase in traffic with the onset of winter.

“Imagine trying to maneuver a getaway vehicle with all that traffic on South Townsend,” said one officer.

“Even if the culprit got on the by-pass or tried to negotiate East Niagara he’d be easy pickings for our federally allocated security net,” said another.

Other sources say the drop off has to do with the still lagging real economy and the distractions of the times.

“Remember those two crooks the cops nailed at the Friendly Corner Bar moments after they robbed the Who’s on First National Bank in February?” one security guard asked. “They might have gotten away easily if they hadn’t seen the sign for happy hour and stopped to play cops and robbers video games.”

Another view of these proceedings suggests that armed robbers are thwarted by the fact that there is nothing of worthwhile value on the shelves. Social scientists and political watchdogs agree that the White Collar criminals have already made off with game-changing  treasures, leaving little behind but a cheap tools, makeup or groceries. It’s a knick-knack or a 12-pack world and consensus has it that it could get wild horse worse before it returns to the stable.

“I ain’t going to jail for no domestic beer,” quipped one shoplifter, known for stuffing his socks full of premium miniatures, then buying cheap wine as a cover.

A spokesman for the city said bank robberies have always been a part of our Western heritage.

“Although the temptation is greatest around the holidays we are seeing signs that the practice has taken on year-round ramifications. The perception of a bank full of dollars is just too much for some of us.”

Whatever the causes and ramifications for the disruption of social order the public has been reassured that televised law and order reigns.

“We are happy with the news that these kinds of crimes appear to be diminishing,” said one councilperson here, “but I’d keep my money in my boot and my car door locked just in case.”

– Fred Zeppelin

“Our politicians point the finger south to avoid pointing it at the noses and veins and mouths of their constituents.”   – More Terrible Than Death – Violence, Drugs and America’s War in Colombia, published 2001.

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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