Apple releases core data on iBreathe

(Gunnison) The Apple Corporation confirmed today that Gunnison, Colorado has been designated official test market for its new iBreathe tablet. The iBreathe, a kissing cousin to iPad, e-Books and iPhone, will reportedly take over human bodily functions such as breathing and digestion while it corners daily constitutionals such as eating, drinking, sleeping and regularity.

According to Apple executives, the iBreathe will go a long way toward freeing up users for other functions such as tantric meditation, skiing and yard work.

“We’re proud of this one,” said someone who used to work at Apple, “and hope that by next year we can address the human factor, which continues to get in the way of technology. In short, we hope to introduce earth shattering products that will allow people to live on the planet without minimal effort.

Gunnison was chosen due to a curious harmony that exists between gadgetry and the great outdoors. People here, according to Apple researchers remain transfixed in a sort of reality limbo where state-of-the-art mountain bikes easily blend with the hardware of tomorrow and the frightening software common to full screen mode. Hick tech with a bagel. It is a distinct scenario that exists in few locales.

“We expect to see people more relying on these sorts of products to get through the day,” said one local computer game standout. “If one grows tired of natural body functions he can flip a switch and the iBreathe will do these for him.

The iBreathe is guaranteed to allow those living off the grid to stay in touch and help develop the computer skills that will be mandatory down the road. Although many fear that the inability to digest the barrage of computer lingo will lead to social and economic disaster, Apple says affordability will win out in the end.

The iBreath costs under $400,000 and is guaranteed for the life of the user. The investment, continues Apple, is about that of an overpriced house in the suburbs.

“We can clearly see the day when everyone will adapt their lives to computers, and not the other way around,” said a press release received this afternoon.

Our source had no comment when asked if Apple had developed similar products for pets and houseplants.

– Susie Compost

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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