ALMOST, COULD HAVE AND MIGHT HAVE NEWS

The following stories have been included in this issue even though they fell inches short of qualifying as legitimate occurrences. Although the concept seems silly, our editorial elders felt that even these scant facts here deserved to be reported.

NUGGETS ALMOST WIN ONE

(Denver) The salmagundi of aspiring young athletes, known as the Denver Nuggets almost won a game recently, narrowly falling to the Boston Celtics. The patchwork team, led by an ambitious front line of anonymous warm bodies, came within 10 points of victory. A stingy defense showed signs of life in the third quarter. The game, which was tied 26 times, finally was wrestled away by the Celtics who scored 12 unanswered buckets in the fourth quarter.
The Nuggets are in the severe stages of rebuilding after losing several top players to free agency and frustration.

Escaped Prisoners Could Be Heroes to Some

(Pueblo) Convicts who successfully escape from prison could represent heroes to a twisted segment of the population. That’s what the Department of Corrections contends after apprehending three such inmates Friday.

The jailbirds, who eluded authorities for three days while hiding in the Shivaree Swamps east of here were greeted with cries of “Huzzah!” as they boarded paddy wagons to take them back to their cells.

Authorities here fear that the overtaxed, shell-shocked populace is having trouble distinguishing between the cops and the robbers.

“They think these thugs are some kind of Robin Hoods,” said one officer who is under investigation for extortion in a non-related case.

Mushrooms Might Have Saved Life

(Norwood) Eating mushrooms might have saved the life of a Placerville woman lost in the Edith Bunker National Forest for over a week in early May. Had it not been for the peanut butter sandwiches and carrot s she had brought along she might have fought off hunger with the fleshy fungi.

Carefully picking edible mushrooms the unidentified lass accentuated her otherwise drab cuisine until rescuers found her on the third floor of a Chinese elm late last night.

Toole Almost Wins Senate Seat

(Washington) Journeyman scribe Melvin Toole came close to winning a senate seat yesterday although he campaigned only from his bear claw bathtub in suburban Virginia.

In fact, as the details of political jousting become clear, Toole was never a legal candidate having been born naked in Canada in 1937.

Experts are convinced that Toole’s excellent showing has a lot to do with voter apathy and a sense of distance with the powers that continue to govern.

The seat itself was a crushed velour with gargoyle trim featuring oak trim and a curious mephitis common to the notorious public restrooms of the Menshevik Period.

Toole had no comment having fallen asleep during the returns.

Hopped Up Teens Just About Wreck Colona

(Montrose) Beer guzzling teens from up the street came close to sacking the tiny fishing village of Colona Wednesday. The fracas seems to have been the result of infighting over a spelling bee held in downtown Cahone last March.

The scoundrel element smashed windows, spit on the street and dodged semis on Highway 550. Later in the evening local fire departments were unable to keep them from the more fashionable neighborhoods of East Colona and Grog Hill Mesa where the disturbance reached epidemic levels.

Hurricane May Have Leveled Bingo Hall

(Grand Junction) Hurricane Rick may have been responsible for the total loss of Oil of Olathe Bingo Complex on 35298844 Road here. According to authorities the 400 mile-per-hour winds of Rick could have “hurled a two-bit tart from a tuna boat Thursday.”

Of course, as we all know by now, Hurricane Rick, and most of the killer bee population, never had an impact this far north. The county coroner has sighted natural causes in the disaster, either that or planetary suicide, depending on a out-of-body skin graph experiment scheduled for the weekend.

Rick was not held since that would be vistually impossible.

Compiled by Suzie Compost

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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