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This is the San Juan Horseshoe

Celebrating 41 years of American satire in 2018

 “The Premier Rocky Mountain Humor/Satire Parody Website & Funny Paper from Western Colorado”

Please remove shoes before entering categories such as Lifestyles and Soft News, accessible 24 hours a day simply by clicking on the names like Featured Peeks, Fractured Opinion and Hard News

Directly under the masthead.

There you will find new stories written daily

Official humor website of the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution (1775 – 2016).

Home page rules: Don’t piss off the cook. Don’t touch the other readers.

Kindly show discretion with regards to more exotic tattoos and piercings.

Do not pick wild flowers or your friends’ noses.

Featuring in-depth, introspective news stories written by people who weren’t there either.

 Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our Rocky Mountain stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in  political emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.

Sorry, weekend editions no longer come with Full Irish Breakfast.

Our Pledge to you:

This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Chang Mai wanting to borrow a cup of rice. Back in May a woman in Bilbao sent us a humorous Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was all wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!

As with all newer endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly. (Oft the same).

Failed comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.

Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).

Contact us: sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net

and sanjuanhorseshoe@gmail.com

Offices in Colona, Colorado, Hoi An, Vietnam, and Jardin, Colombia

P O Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427

COPYRIGHT: KEVIN J HALEY 1977 – 2017

Serving Region Zen and the Snotty Beach Communities since 1977.

Another fine product from Musick’s Bad Tuna Aftershave,

olfactory gatherers and makers of perfumes, lotions & aperitifs

since moments before the storming of the Bastille.

EDITOR’S CORONER

Photo for Editor's Coroner

I’m here to warn you about the dangers of solar terrorism! The situation is far worse than we had earlier perceived. What if your toilet paper (software) is off the grid? Who flushes first after receiving E-Mail? Can one really downsize at will? What really goes down when your traditional output has been tinkered with after you fall asleep for the night.

I don’t know why I have ascended to the position of town crier on such issues. One advantage of this blind focus is that I can write whatever I want in this column. I can jot down total nonsense and potential readers won’t be too critical albeit there are a few out there (like our enlightened advertisers) who scan these pages with alacrity, celerity, not in search of literary stimulation but for typos and subliminal ink spots.

Nonetheless, it’s vital that we keep a realistic view as to our relative importance in this world and not become disconsolate at what we see in the cosmic binoculars. Why just the other day I spent the entire afternoon watching ants trek across the driveway swept away by the knowledge that they were not watching me. Happiness may be obscurity.

While traveling various designated scenic routes (were these same pathways sordid dumps before the feds came in with their signs?) this month we have discovered an assortment on unrelated truths. The windshield is the catalyst, the metaphor for daydreams, a great place to collect insects, or parts of same.

Anyway, so as to yield to the rambling of a windy corrections editor (below) I’ll get to the point: This month we’ve not covered potential President Forbes and his association with a PR firm that made the fish stick great again. We have ignored the innovative Liposuction Bill now pending in the Senate. We lost our notes on cellphone suppositories. Our staff missed Hillary’s last speech in Brooklyn Heights, forgot to look in on Bernie’s candidacy, missed a chance to photograph a 350-pound man on a full-dress race moped in Placerville, and still hasn’t reached agreement on who or what will be the next governor of Texas.

In our story “Hair Bag Houses High-jacked”, which focuses on ethics cleansing in Pinkyville, it should be noted that a secret Rasta plan to rid the town of Realtors has surfaced too. It is modeled after the new video game “Let’s Bomb Someone Tonight”, which despite all the bullet-proof rhetoric regarding gun control, is selling well.

And so here we sit rubbing knees with the Rockies. Sounds intimate…here in Colona it is. If you’re trying to find our offices look directly behind Winkie’s Feed Lot and just follow the flies. Come the cold weather they’ll be gone. Hopefully we won’t be reduced to burning bundles of 7-ll firewood like that miserable winter of 1974 in Capital Hill.

Thought for the day: “Ain’t nobody hates wind like a mosquito.” – Jingles

CORECSHUNS

with Dwin “King” Hevaway,
Executive Corrections Editor

Filing cabinets containing our literary cree and mission statements were regrettably misplaced sometime in the early eighties. The result as you can see is not only a publication lacking a “soul” but also a reprehensible waste of what otherwise may have been useful paper and ink.

A casual perusal of letters received by our office over the last several months has led us to the sad yet inescapable conclusion that various personages within our marginal readership are laboring under a vague although quaint misapprehension that we can read.

The Kente cloth worn by our publisher to various graduation ceremonies wherein he received many honorary degrees and coffee mugs is actually the tartan used by his family during the 11th century before they were kicked out of Ireland for keeping geese (and occasional insobriety).

Summer jobs in our news room advertised as “a stepping-stone to a journalistic career” do not involve journalistic activity per se. Instead of “attractive women only need apply” we meant to say “only attractive women will be hired.” We are an equal opportunity employer as long as you don’t take opportunity to mean any kind of chance.

Road conditions reported in our Metro section should not be viewed as current.  Surely, readers understand that information in a monthly newspaper is not intended to be current at the time it is read.  It is only included to confuse Texans, and we would hope that graduates of our fine local schools would understand.

The road map of San Miguel, Cozumel shown in our May issue incorrectly showed stop signs on streets running parallel to the shoreline.  This is actually the exact opposite of the actual case.  There are many reasons to love Mexico, but the lack of 4-way stop signs is not only refreshing, but illustrates a fundament difference between Mexicans and Gringos:  Mexicans have common sense, and an ability to share.

Due to the depth of material in this newspaper, it is recommended that a decompression stop of at least 5 minutes be made reading Rock Soup.  For those of you who have read for less than 10 minutes, or whom only look at the pictures, a five minute safety stop in the obituaries should be sufficient.   

Stuttering and the shakes, exhibited by our editor, are mercifully removed in the editing process.  As these symptoms intensify, it may be necessary to move the editors coroner toa more stable section of the newspaper, or indeed, onto the utter stability of the editing room floor.  Rest assured that the ultimate quality of this publication could not be affected negatively, in the opinion of many leading readers.

Vitamin and mineral figures listed on last month’s contents page were based on the assumption that you can digest cellulose. This assumption is true for many of our readers. MSG is present in some of our color lift-out sections but overall, fewer than 30 percent of our calories come from fat.

Retroactive price increases for which we billed subscribers last month are solely for the purpose of keeping this newspaper out of the hands of children. The names of all subscribers whom fail to pay this assessment will heretofore be listed in our bi-monthly “enemies of kids” inserts.

klan on ferris whell copy

 

 INSIDE YOUR PAPER

RV Divas and Monster Minivans
Summer is over and traffic is insane
in Rocky Mountain Lifestyles
Aliens to Paint Chaco Canyon
Anasasi ruins host extraterrestrials
in Decorating For the 21st Century
Erotic Thriller to be Filmed Near Gunnison
Just another fly fishing fantasy?
in Cinema Review
Memorabilia Auctions Expand
Offering body parts, bats and uniforms
In Sports Excess
Genetically Altered Horse Runs
on Plastic, Discarded Appliances
Landfills could shrink with further breeding
in Hay, Dude, Your Barn Door’s Open
Polarization of U.S. Worries Santa
Concerns New Ice Age, Civil War and Intolerance
in Big Brother’s Agenda
Fifty Ways to Lease Your Lover
Mortgage Companies Jump into Dating Scene
in Business of the Day
Plus a whole lot more to eat, drink, roll in and be hesitant to approach.
Tune in often. New stories published daily.

guy reading with cow

     

“We have given you a republic, if you can keep it.” – Benjamin Franklin

     

Plan to create more land gets commissioner approval

(Almont) A sweeping new blueprint which would effectively create more land in Gunnison County got by a major stumbling block Thursday as the Gunnison Board of Commissioners voted unanimously to give the plan a go.

The concept, brainchild of Tiera Tiera Tiera, a Denver geophysical consulting firm, calls for the expansion of current acreage some 10% each year over the next few years resulting in an additional 145,000 acres at the end of the program, which is expected to be concluded before 2010.

At first cold to the idea the commissioners warmed up when told that the expansion would be comprised of 40% wetlands and another 35% dark timber contemporary, comparable to the Ohio Pass region and lands above Crested Butte. The remaining 25% of the new land would be alpine and sub-alpine tundra.

Environmentalists reportedly have reserved final comments until a public hearing, slated for early March. Although cynical at first, many seem to have adopted the idea from a custodial standpoint allowing potential conservation measures to overcome preliminary fantasies and physical laws.

“We can envision acres of greenbelt, surrounded by Nature Conservatory parcels dotting the landscape,” said one HCCA source. “We know what these people are up to and it has to do with feeding the building boom. Sure, we can tolerate a few more trophy homes just so long as at least half of the land is protected from development for all time.

If the land expansion goes as proposed, Gunnison County officials will be hard pressed to find enough wildlife to fill the newly created vacuum. Expanding the current deer and elk herds won’t be much of a chore but attracting the right kind of predators, more trout and twice the eagle population could take decades. All parties agree that preserving the food chain, regarding people and wildlife remains a top priority.

“People take the elements of living here for granted,” said one commissioner. “Do they think all of these animals just showed up last night? And what of the trees and plants? It took generations for these intricate elements to meld as one ecosystem. If we are going to pursue this exiting experiment with space we want to do things right. Rushing into a poorly conceived notion at this point will spell trouble down the road.”

Already the largest county in Colorado, the newly emerging landscape could, in a few years, represent a mass larger than several New England states and the District of Columbia.

“We’re not map snobs,” said a spokesman for Tiera Tiera Tiera, “or megalomaniacs intent on expanding our reality for the sake of power or profit. We just want to offer rural counties the option of positive growth beneficial to everyone, you know, more elbow room. When the first pioneers arrived they didn’t have to deal with land use codes, covenants or easements. Why? Because there was more than enough room for everyone, except of course uncooperative residents like the Utes and the timber wolf.”

Whether the existing population centers will expand has not been discussed at press time nor was the necessary construction of new roads connecting old land with new. Percentages of vertical to horizontal parcels likewise has not been undressed.

“We’d like to see more people able to buy land, more animals grazing, more water, said one commissioner, “and, yes, even more sagebrush. Let’s not forget the sagebrush.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

foto D Austin

photo by Delinda Austin

No animals were armed during the construction of this website